What do I know (so far) about the month of light?
Light like glowing.
Light like carrying everything more lightly.
Light like lightheartedness.
Light like hope.
Light like sparks.
A new experiment.
I have been wishing wishes about gathering and community. Light and lightness together.
And I have been wishing wishes about simplicity and sustainability. A lightening of loads.
After 436 weeks of a weekly ritual of checking in, and 385 weeks of wishing wishes, and one of the most stressful and exhausting months of my life, I need to try something new.
That’s why I’m designing this post to be a play-space for the month of Light (December).
A gathering of-and-in lightness.
This way, we can gather here all month with everything we are wishing for and working on.
And we can keep checking in with what is going on in our lives.
We can name superpowers and invent salves!
We can say what we want to work on and play with. We can share.
I may of course post other things to the blog, but right now I want to find out what it’s like to have a gathering space for the month.
We play, we wish, we chicken.
Let’s see what that looks like.
I honestly don’t know if anyone will even remember to come here without the weekly reminder, but hey, that’s how experiments work, and in nearly twelve years of doing this, I’ve tried all kinds of things. Some were fun and some were less fun, and we will keep what is fun.
In the meantime, we play, we wish, we chicken…..
What’s been working? What do I want to play with….
Metaphors work for me.
I have stopped trying to troubleshoot all the problems and am instead focused on obsessively interviewing The Cake Maker so that I can learn all I can about her magical cakes as well as her perspective on the bakery business.
This is a proxy of course, and The Cake Maker is a version of Wise Me, but it turns out that cake making is actually a surprisingly apt metaphor for writing, and my cake-making baker self is a total badass who has been giving me some pretty sound advice.
For example, she told me that she takes as much time to have experiences that infuse her baking style with [wonder and delight] as she puts time into baking itself.
And she told me that it’s ridiculous to grind wheels over the problem of not enough people buying cake when actually you’re the one who keeps giving out unlimited free doughnuts. Especially if the thing you actually care about most is sharing the experience of delicious and wildly transformative cake.
Fair enough. I’m listening.
Breathing for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Dark days. It’s a challenging world out there, and we need to be strong and fierce in our resistance. And, as Agent Emdee and I were discussing, it’s not like we didn’t already have enough to do (and enough reasons to cry in bed) without fighting fascism and strategizing for protecting the environment and so on. A breath for light.
- I’m in Nevada this week and Trump signs are everywhere, and all I can think is that I am surrounded by people who think sexually assaulting women is fine, deporting people is fine, xenophobia and wall-building is fine, xenophobia is fine, demolishing the EPA is fine, torture is fine. Oh, and they’re all armed. It’s awesome. Breathing.
- Even as we celebrate the order to cease work on the Dakota Access pipeline, I am feeling very wary about what is coming. Breathing justice, power, prayer, fierceness.
- I have never worked so hard in my entire life (and I say this as a known workaholic), nor have I ever had so many non-paying projects. Yes, ridiculous, and I need to rest, because my body is not happy with me right now. Breathing for change and clear-eyed knowing.
- It is time for action, and this is important and also it is a lot of work. Breathing presence, intensity, wild witchy fury.
- And! I slammed my finger in a door and it is an unpalatable shade of purple. And I might be moving to Nevada. Or I might be on the road for the next six months. And either way, I need a car. And I have too much to do. Breathing receptivity to good solutions.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Breathing for the good, reassuring, and magical!
- Finished five massive projects! Breathing thankfulness.
- I keep saying this and it’s still true: the disastrous political situation is asking us to get powerfully focused, to prioritize both what takes care of us and what we are passionate about. Important stuff. Breathing power.
- Even though the monster chorus was singing their favorite song in my ear all week — “you’re going to be forty and your life is a mess and you live in a motorhome with no heat and you’re working at a cafe wearing pajamas because you did not plan laundry day well and you have fucked up everything, lalalala!” — I had help talking them down. Agents Ravenstar and Emdee came to the rescue, pointing out that actually I like adventures and being someone who pursues freedom, and this is just a creative experiment in small, sustainable, alternative living. I feel better. Breathing for friends. And remembering that Nothing Is Wrong.
- Writing all day every day. Breathing thankfulness for an outlet.
- I know what I want. I am very clear about this. A breath for the many things that are possible.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of love, sweetness, quiet, friends, warmth, all-day breakfast, big ideas, big stars, big adventure, companionship, perspective. A breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
What are my wishes?
I want to live by the compass of Do Less and Choose Ease and Savor This Moment.
I want to bake more cakes — both real and metaphorical, and do this while channeling outrageous amounts of love, passion, dedication, integrity, playfulness and pleasure. I want to make joie de vivre cake!
And I want to get louder when that is what is necessary, and quieter when quiet is the answer.
What else?
To be true to yes, to my yes of the moment, to current yes. Wild dedication to yes: 120% true to 120% yes.
To write/bake each day but not spend all day writing and editing, baking and cake-decorating, as has been the case the past months.
To live boldly. I typed love instead of live, so that too — may I love boldly!
To cultivate a more loving relationship with both effort and effortlessness.
To take care of my body that is my home, to invite in my panther self.
To feel myself as an embodiment of the superpower of Regal As Fuck, no matter what monsters have to say.
To color as many monsters from the monster coloring book as possible!
And to receive whatever decisions need to be received with great lightness and with hope.
What do I know about my wishes?
They feel very sweet to me.
It is funny that sweetness has become such a theme — for someone who does not consider herself to be sweet but once was the owner of a metaphorical chocolate shop, and recently returned to ice cream after a nearly seventeen year hiatus.
But sweet: this is how I feel towards myself right now. There is a tenderness towards these wishes, towards this desire for a new relationship with light and lightness.
I’m dealing better with the dark days this year — I mean, with the days ending earlier. Usually this throws me into despair. Somehow having an easier time with it now, maybe the stars help.
And I’m having a very difficult time with the dark political days, but I am channeling Fierce Determination and a spirit of forwards and towards.
Anything else about my wishes?
I am welcoming them.
The image of the door of light is so inviting to me right now.
We just finished the 2017 calendar of qualities and I am echoing and reverberating qualities, and all the superpowers of doors.
These are the qualities for 2017:
Prowess
Reflection
Pleasure
Serendipity
Plenty
Vitality
Restoration
Courage
Grace
Wishing
Meaning
Ease
Lightness, again.
I’ve been having such mixed feelings about not doing a print calendar this year — I can’t mail things when I’m living on the road and we never make enough money to justify the work it takes, but oh how I love their magic!
But right now I feel really good. Clear, steady joy for these gorgeous glowing qualities, as if the door of light itself is already inviting these in with more lightness, in all senses of lightness.
Also, this year’s calendar experiment feels like it is a lot more in line with my big wish of Choose Ease, and I am, generally speaking, not very good at choosing ease, and so this is useful.
Yes, I am (slowly) learning more and more about the relationship between lightness and light, about being okay with letting lightness in.
Superpowers.
December’s superpower is Steadily Glowing Always, and January’s superpower is Serene Powerful Presence.
I want to combine these, so that one enhances the other, so that by the time we arrive in January, serene powerful presence is an old friend, and I am able to stride through that door with a giant smile on my face.
May it be so.
Invitation: come play with me…
You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…
Tell us how your week was! Or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code.
Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishes and checking-in are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing.
We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.
Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!
♡
Spouse is away on business this week, and I hoped I would be having adventures and/or writing, but instead I’ve been mostly huddled under blankets, feeling poorly, and thinking.
I have managed tiny changes to our apartment, making things work a bit better, while being prettier. Possibly new plants will be joining us.
I’m writing a letter to a woman writer in Idaho whose 2 memoirs I just finished. {Mary Clearman Blew}
There’s a woman poet I want to write to too, but I haven’t figured out my approach yet.
I can’t send out winter holiday cards until I get notified about Q, which is good because I have to write the poem first.
I ate a piece of “ultimate chocolate cake” last night; it was delicious.
Idaho! I will look her up. Ultimate Chocolate Cake sounds fantastic. As do new plants.
* <3 *
This is me, lighting my candle, and setting a purple zafu on the floor beside it, claiming my space.
I am here.
It’s a zafu! What a cool name! I had to look it up. I had gotten a pirate one from Rally X. It got a hole in in from the washing machine, so I had to put a patch on it.
A pirate zafu with a patch! That sounds excellent. 🙂
pirate patch!!!!! <3
<3 <3 <3
So many beautiful sparks. So much beautiful space.
<3 <3 <3
“Unlimited free doughnuts.”
Is it any wonder I keep drifting back here to chicken with Havi?
They’re a perfect match for your unlimited free coffee!
Doughnuts! I adore having/making doughnuts and having you here <3 <3 <3
I know rules aren’t really the thing here, but I’m curious if your intention, Havi, was to just reply to our original comments with updates or make new comments as the weeks go by?
Meanwhile, I want to share that I find myself breathing a little better today. I have made a concerted effort to stay away from Twitter and FB as much as I can and thereby limit exposure to the always distressing news. Trying to avoid negativity triggers and, in so doing, avoid having a rage stroke.
So my wish is for continued ability to breathe and be calm and to try to regain some light – light that feels like got smothered for a lot of the year and was practically extinguished on Nov. 8.
oh that last sentence – yes, this is exactly how it feels for me, too, thank you for your eloquence.
and I second that wish.
<3
I am also wishing wishes about gathering and community. I am trying to find my community here in this new home, this new culture that is so very different from what I have known. I want to be a beacon to those I am meant to know without any uncomfortable or awkward advertising of who I am. I want my glow to attract the people who are waiting for me here. And I want to be attracted like a moth to their glow. I want my people. I want my allies. I want community, face-to-face, nose-to-nose. I want bodies playing together. I want to persist, steady in my readiness. I am ready, and I will wait.
And I will return, with more wishes, more chicken, more play.
With gratitude.
Amen, me too, more of all of that, yes please! <3
I love the phrase “to those I am meant to know.” So beautiful. As someone who has been a newcomer more times than I can count, I know that feeling, that wonder, that curiosity. Who am I meant to know? Such a wonderful way of phrasing it. You will find your people, and they will find you. May it be a joyful meeting!
Thank you for that perfect, beautiful support!
Wrenna, you are doing it!!
Saturday was the best night I’ve had in this still-new city by far! And more than recounting what made it a great night, in terms of events and experiences, I want to check in about what made it a great night, in terms of what tools and practices I used to enter into the evening in a way that allowed me to be present and full of play.
For the past few months – since Evangelos’ workshop, I’ve really been working with the concept of force field more than ever before. It was somehow revelatory for me to construct my force field (not the term he used, but I translated it into a concept I was familiar with from this magical space) and then to have the opportunity to dance around the room, staying safe and protected in my force fields. Of course dance IS a force field for me, but the realization that I can infuse my force field with all of the qualities I want, AND THEN TAKE THAT SPACE WITH ME WHEREVER I GO was magical.
And so I have been imagining my force field, filling it up with all of the qualities I desire, making so much room for delight and play and me-ness, and knowing that I get to be and have all of that, wherever I may be. And so in the taxi on the way to the party, I strengthened my force field, remembered that I get to be exactly who I am wherever I am. Know that I am a delight – to me, at least, and that is enough. It was amazing to walk into that room of strangers and not feel nervous or insecure!
Oh, and on feeling nervous and insecure. Yes, I’ve learned and practiced so much on this in recent weeks. Since the US presidential election to be exact. A day or two after that horrific, disastrous event (oh wait…we are not AFTER that event at all…), I was having such crushing chest pain that I left work for the emergency room where they gave me an ECG. There was nothing (physically) wrong with me, but that crushing pain, the anxiety continued until just one week ago. I am not typically an anxious person, but I considered that the world is entirely fucked (ok, maybe it’s not, but I do certainly feel that way some days), that I am in a new city far from everything I know, that I am working in a position also completely foreign to my way of life, and on and on. So yeah, ok, maybe there’s a reason why I’d be feeling anxiety and crushing chest pain.
But in the workshop on Monday, I realized that most of that anxiety is not mine at all! There was so much anxiety and insecurity in that room, and in my workplace in general, and I had been taking it on as my own.
Oh, but back to Saturday night. I think the most exciting thing I’ve been practicing also came from Evangelos’ workshop. At one point we got into groups of 6 people, and one of us went into the centre of the circle and yelled out what inspired us. Then we would all dance in exuberance and support of whatever that was. I was so struck by the older woman getting into the centre and yelling out that she was inspired by sensuality.
What is it to be inspired by sensuality? There is so much I can write here on this question, on my history with sensuality, on sensuality itself… but for my purposes here, I’ll just note that after that workshop I decided to explore sensuality in a new way, a way that rewrites my extensive and deeply ingrained history of interactions with men (i.e. 20 years a stripper). I started looking men in the eyes when they passed me in the hallway at work. I started being vulnerable rather than always in control. Present.
And now, for the first time in my life, I am making friends with men! And I met JP on Saturday night – the most spark-filled meeting I’ve had in a long time. And he wants to dance!!!!
Thank you, Wrenna, for continuing to learn and practice these tools of self-fluency, so remaining present and curious in the good and the hard.
Oh how beautiful! And thank you for the reminder about the force field and the qualities!
Oh wow! What a beautiful story. Thank you!
December wishing-space! December chicken-space!
Invoking Light for entry.
—–
By the way, the photo of this month’s door is one of the most spectacular in the calendar.
The light is sneaking out of the photo, sliding through the edge of the door through some mechanism of quantum magic; it is a ray of sun rolled up and plopped into this entranceway, a ghost of what a sunflower sees.
Time is here, too. While frozen in the moment, in the photo, I can “hear” the light moving across the face of the door somewhere else in time, hissing and humming; I can see it sparking and flashing. It smells of burnt toast and hot metal. It warms as it approaches, and when it departs, the air cools.
I bow to the photographer. (And to the selector(s) of this photo for the calendar.)
—–
At this moment, I am wishing for light in a private space, light on a communication situation, light for work progress.
At this moment, I am grateful for light in family, and in music, and in art, and writing, and humor. And even in political commentary and action.
—–
Dear Monsters, I hereby request a truce for the month!
Let me show you what I have in mind … here is the door to your party-room, let’s go in! Ahead is the dance floor, lit with the traditional colors of any holidays you like. To the left side is a table with rum ice cream egg nog, glogg, wines, and a large variety of sweet and savory snacks. There is a band setting up in the corner (they will play any music you like). There are cocktail tables and chairs on the far side, near the patio which overlooks the beach or the ski slopes, whichever suits your fancy.
From time to time one of you may be tempted to provide your wisdom to me about the events of the month. For that purpose I have placed a writing table over to the right side of the room, with writing paper and pencils, pens, color markers, etc., and a large box. You can write me a note, place it in the box, and it will magically transmit to my email inbox where I can see it but don’t have to read it right away. If I respond (to ask for clarification, for example), one of my agents will quietly pull you away for a short consultation, so you won’t have to worry about leaving the party. There are coloring books and blank sheets, too, in case you’d like to do art.
I’m going to be busy, and I’m pretty sure I’ve got the gist of your concerns, so I’ve set this up so you can have a good time while I’m off to Do the Holidays. Even though I have a lot to do, I’ll be having fun, too, and I’ll be sure to tell you all about it when we get back after New Year’s. Love you guys! See you soon!
—–
Invoking light for exit.
Mmmmm Sue you are SUCH a talented writer, your description of that photo is so beautiful, I want to, like, I don’t know, hire you to describe all photos for me, amazing. Thank you. <3
Also LOVE the monster party room!
<3<3<3!!!
Seconding the love for the monster party room! I need to offer my own monsters something like that.
Hello, December. Hello, Thursday. Hello, everyone.
I’m not sure whether I’m wishing or chickening today, so I am just going to make a few notes and leave my scarf draped over the back of my chair, so to speak.
– it is definitely a day for more light. I have my light therapy lamp running, and I think I will switch it on again for another session once this one’s up.
– I find myself hankering after red velvet curtains and plush seats. Opera! Operetta! I don’t mind which: I could take champagne and silliness, or emotions too deep to be expressed without music.
– yay me remembering to bring my headphones to work.
– clue from today’s lunchtime walk: ‘fight fire with ice cream’
Also, doughnuts <3
Chicken chicken. Cluck cluck.
The hard:
– urgh MORNINGS.
– urgh evenings.
The good:
– Secret Star Society!!!!
– one set of curtains hung
– surprising and massive progress on Operation Safe House II, potentially
– dinner with the in-laws
Clues:
– our regular conductor’s brother, rehearsing us in ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’. ‘At the end of the storm… what is there?… A golden sky… And what else is there?… The sweet, silver song of a lark…’
What’s been working?
– daylight lamp
– looking for the good
Tried samphire; liked it.
Wishes for this week:
To have some energy left over for the evenings. For the various social events that I have scheduled for this week to be joyous and light. For people to know who I am and to like me that way. To hold on to my integrity. To finish those curtains.
Ease. Love. Space.
Energy left over for the evenings! YES! Some of that please!!
Saturday chicken.
The hard:
– miasma of gloom hanging over the discotheque
– sore throat/headache/sinus thing, meant I went home instead of lunchtime church, which I’d been looking forward to
– general melancholy
The good:
– getting tiny things done. SPARKLEPOINTS!
– still being in the black come payday. Finally feeling that I’m beginning to get to grips with money
– Articulate
– colouring monsters, listening to opera
– Lost in Translation (Eva Hoffman)
– dark chocolate with burnt toffee
– walking at dawn
Clue: sometimes Bolivia is not a metaphor
Bolivia is not always a metaphor. But lots of things that I thought weren’t metaphors turn out to be them after all.
Wish for this week (and possibly for ever): to see what’s really there.
Wishes specifically for this week: Calm graceful interactions. Light from within. Trust and more trust.
Clues: City of Stories. Tunnel of Light.
It’s the solstice and I feel like wishing. Or actually not even wishing, just lining myself up with things:
– growing light!
– deep rest
– being in the middle of things
– the turning point
– o morning star
– this is the day for hope
MAY IT BE SO <3
Friday chicken! Last day of work chicken!
Tidying my desk, throwing away some dead paperwork, setting up a fresh chicken sheet.
The hard:
– still so tired
– grumpy drinking
– And does the road wind uphill all the way?/Yes, to the very end.
The good:
– pub with lovely people. And another pub with other lovely people!
– gin with lavender
– Christmas affogato
– the year has turned
– Malcolm Guite’s O Antiphon sonnets
– Il Barbiere de Siviglia
Clue: ‘righour, imagination, courage and grace’
Love to you all xxx
I’m wishing from my mother’s computer, which is set up with the screen in portrait format, and the calendar page of light comes up full and wide, running the whole way across. It’s very striking.
What do I wish?
– peaceful, glowing interactions; the maximum of light and fun with the minimum of angst and drama
– some time alone with the sea
– safe journey; travelling light
Clue: postcard, very old and dog-eared, in the front of a letter rack. Sailing boat with sails furled and oars in the water. A rather bare bank in the background, with a small clump of trees and that’s about it. Somepeople in the boat, with what I think are white headdresses, but they look like haloes from here.
I assumed the water was the sea, but the caption is
‘For men may come and men may go
But I go on for ever – – -!’
And looking very close ‘The Nile’ is written in the corner of the picture. I know that poem: it’s by Tennyson, it begins ‘I come from haunt of coot and hern’ and it’s about a river. Not the Nile, I wouldn’t have thought, but rivers are rivers.
What are the clues in this postcard?
– I thought it was the sea, but it was really the river. The reason I thought it was the sea was that I couldn’t see a near bank. Moral: check for information I might be missing.
– Those three dashes and the exclamation mark are very thick and black. I don’t remember them being in the poem. It almost feels as if the person who made the card is making a joke, about the Nile being the longest river, or having the oldest recorded history – or as if they’re deliberately leaving space for me to react.
– I may be able to extrapolate experience from one [river] to another [river].
– Possibly something to do with my wish from a while back to be a saint
– and my more recent wish to sing things clearly (oh, thank you subconscious! That was meant to be ‘see things clearly’ but yes, I’d like to sing things clearly, too)
Hello, all, and hello, December. Light is the perfect metaphor right now, both in the world and in my life. I have spent so many months obscured by the muddle of work and exhaustion and events and juggling all the things that now my mind and home and studio and calendar are both a literal and figurative mess. I can’t think while things are this way. So I’m slowly (“Too slowly!” the monsters shout) putting things away, making space for the new things that have appeared, paring down what is no longer necessary, organizing the admin stuff, tidying and clearing. Letting the light in. Making space for it. Dreaming of the day when the slate is clean again, or as close to it as I can manage. And all the while lighting that proverbial candle instead of cursing the darkness (thanks, Eleanor Roosevelt). I don’t know what happens after the light is let in and my space is clear and calm again (except I believe ice cream may be involved), but I find I’m not anxious about that part. What I most want to do is meet that clear, open, light space. May it be so.
Hello December, and hello Light.
An experiment sounds wonderful. Let’s do this.
The challenging:
~ Spending a ton of time writing thoughtful proposals, and then not hearing back as much as a “thanks”, let alone “great, we’ll hire you”. This isn’t getting any easier.
~ Repairs around the house scheduled by unlaws without my knowledge and then I’m 24 hours without running water or sewer. And 3 days without a kitchen.
~ My intentions for this year will not happen and I’m feeling disheartened. Things I’ve put a lot of hope in and spent A TON of time on didn’t give any results at all. Not sure what to do next.
~ Not enough magic beans for the thing I really, really want.
The shiny:
~ Feeling appreciation from people known and unknown <3
~ Video by Marisa Peer on not feeling “good enough” is pretty mind-blowing.
~ I'm writing a book! Sort of.
~ ALL THE IDEAS. Flashes of inspiration as I'm falling asleep, running to the office to sketch them down before I forget, working over weekend to get them out into the world. My favorite way of working.
~ Students making creative discoveries and exclamations of delight!
Superpower I've had: Joyful Giving
Superpower I want: I Am Enough
My wish is to be open to the new body of work that is coming in.
To clear the space for it and hold the doors open, and welcome it with full attention (and snacks).
To be present with it as it’s emerging and not judge what comes in, or the process, or the feedback.
To listen behind the chatter, behind what I already think I know, and let the deeper, wiser parts of me write.
To be moved to tears by what comes through and drink it in and let it ring through my being and settle in as a part of me.
What do I need?
I need more mind space to do this, so a month long media Sabbatical might be in order.
Nonnegotiable projectizing time every Friday morning no matter what, no exceptions.
What else do I need?
Documenting the process. Thinking on paper. Daily creative practice.
Supportive people to chicken with who are on a similar path and know what it's like and want me to succeed.
Appreciating myself no matter what.
!!!! ! !!!!
Hello, all! Hello, December! Hello, Light!
I am setting off on a grand experiment, a great adventure, and it is sparking so many monsters inside me but also so much joy and freshness. Moving out of my parents’ house (even if it is only to a temporary room in friends’ apartment) has been such a perfect move, clearing so much stagnation, so much muddy muggy air.
I am tasting a hope and a wish that the terribleness and worry of this American election is also a clearing of stagnation. There is so much to worry about and I am worried, but I am also feeling hopeful because it seems to me that so much fierceness and action and love is coming out in response to this. May all terrible worrying things be met with fierceness and action and love.
I keep finding out again and again that working quietly in a room together with another person (each of us on our own things) is very good for me. My extrovert is soothed by the company and I am held accountable in my focus. A breath for remembering this about myself. And so many breaths and sparks for being all right with This Is The Way I Am! In every realm, not just this one.
Ever since you announced the names of the months, my heart has been glowing such resonance for January. Prowess! What a magical word. I feel it like a sun, drawing me to it and also frightening me with its strength. Monsters say, “It is too awesome a word for a little thing like you.” But something truer in me says “No, you do have Prowess. You get to access this too.”
So may we tread lightly toward Prowess this month! <3 to all
I second your wish about A Clearing Of Stagnation, may it be so! And ditto for Prowess, I’m drawn toward it and it scares me. Here’s to moving towards it until we embody it!
Hello, mid-December!
Oh, transitions, you are such good teachers. Clucking in to say:
– I am learning over and over again what kind of sleep I need and aligning with my own schedule and not anybody else’s is so hard for this extrovert. A breath for shining my own light.
– Existing in my body continues to be fraught and often frustrating. A breath for being whole in myself.
– I finished one project for work and now I am entering unpaid days which is bringing up all the monsters of ‘You cannot survive on your own’. But I can survive on my own and I have another client coming in, and I am looking forward to new jobs. A breath for adulting (what a word!).
– Apartment-hunting is both good and hard: people like me and want to live with me! But I have to make big choices about where to live and make my home! A breath for decision-making and for letting the decision reveal itself to me.
– New datemate is not-so-new anymore! Six months together and so much joy and excitement and my bones still yearn for him when we’re apart. I’d forgotten what it’s like to be excited about a new relationship. A breath for joy.
– Last night I went to bed at the perfect time for me and woke up the correct amount of hours later and I feel so good about this. A breath for working together with my body.
Wishes this week:
Clearing of Stagnation has been pretty rad and I want more of it please. A wish called Knowing the Place of Things (where organizing my friends’ bookshelves is an exercise in fractal flowers and the bookshelf is a metaphor for my home).
I would like the Superpower of Trusting Myself (always and forever).
Hello! Today is Friday, and I am choosing to Chicken!
Hard things:
–I saw a sweet little journal in the store today for five dollars, with Say Yes To New Adventures in gold letters on the cover, and I didn’t buy it, and later I began to wish that I had, and this is kind of driving me crazy
–We have moved out of our home in South Carolina, and now most of our stuff is in limbo (going into storage), and we do not yet have a home in California, and I wish so much that this could be easy but so far it just does not feel that way
–I said goodbye to all the wonderful people I was working with, and now I miss the rhythms of working so much! I miss the big things, like making music with my clients every day, and I miss the little things, like stopping for coffee and listening to the radio while driving around on my own
–in fact, most of my daily and weekly rhythms have been thrown completely out of whack; this is disorienting and stressful
Good things:
–yes, the truck broke down, but the *way* it broke down — *after* my last day of work and *before* we started our cross-country trek, with reasonably quick towing service, and with friends who were able to lend us a car while repairs were happening — was so ease-filled that I am counting this as a good thing
–lots and lots of money mojo this week, *so* helpful
–Secret Star Society! Talk about right timing, this is some of the rightest timing ever for me!
–Path of Color, too! <3 my glitter gel pens are so happy
–staying with my mom for now, which has occasional challenges but is still such a blessing, I feel very much supported
This week, I had the superpower of Getting It Done. Next week, I would like the superpower of Well, That Was Easy!
*slow deep breath*
Salve of Say Yes To New Adventures!
p.s. I get all my journals from The Frantic Meerkat:
http://www.mincingmockingbird.com/collections/journal
Current favorites to write in at cafes are I Regret Nothing and Screenplays About My Cat
They are having a 35% off sale and free shipping (in the States) right now, I recommend!
Hee! Those journals are great. I also like Jittery Scribblings of an Overly Caffeinated Introvert!
I’m here. I’m here each week–several times a week. I often talk so much (and manage to drown in Shame because of it!), but I’m not talking much at present. And because this is a written forum, you can’t see my presence (though maybe you can feel my energy). But I’m here.
Sending Gentleness to all of us in this space.
Cold & windy & low energy this week – I decided *not to* either push myself to do more, or feel bad about not doing more. As a result, I discovered more patterns in my natural rhythms too subtle for my busier self to discern.
Have been off Twitter since late Saturday.
Watched a few favorite movies alone: improved my enjoyment to be able to emote effusively, talk out connections I just noticed, dance. Will need to do more of this.
Disastrous “trial run” of groceries Monday night => troubleshooting tonight’s trip, which went swimmingly.
Will be picking up Spouse shortly; ready to be partnered again.
Staying off Twitter is a superpower – it is simultaneously the most empowering and most difficult thing to do.
CHICKEN! Today is Friday and I am also choosing to Chicken! (Thanks, Kat!)
Hard things:
+ ugh the news holy god how does it just keep getting more terrifying by the hour
+ ugh I can’t tell if I’m more depressed reading the news and panicking or not reading and panicking
+ ugh important check got deposited into wrong account
+ ugh heater is broken and it is cold
+ I do not know where I will be next week or next month, and I would really like some sort of even tentative plan, and an idea of what might be, but it is just all up in the air
+ spent this week in nevada, a place of trump voters, gun shops and terrible coffee, it was depressing
+ had MASSIVE fight with person I love, and now not feeling the love
+ still too much work / too many projects / too many monsters
+ ran out of data on phone
Good things:
+ I am here
+ Resisting
+ daily rituals
+ ice cream
+ secret star society!!!
+ secret projects!!!
+ progress
+ getting to know The Cake Maker
+ snuggling in sleeping bags
+ the Path of Color monster coloring course is so beautiful
+ daily acts of resistance
+ friends
+ beautiful sky
+ deep breathing
+ downloaded Signal app for private communication (recommended)
+ community and companionship (THANK YOU, everyone here)
Superpower I had this week:
Finding the good.
Superpower I want:
Putting my own well-being first
I am feeling very enthusiastic about Cake Making! <3 <3
Yea Cake!
Saturday Chicken, feathers fluffed by the wind!
This week’s hard:
– Toooo cooold for the coats on hand. Need to move project-related equipment to get to the coat closet. Conflicted. However, the glass insert for the storm door is also in the closet, so It Must Be Done.
– Watching myself postpone and delay and ignore. Boring.
– The Vulture (proxy) is causing body reactions. Some of them are very subtle and therefore doubly annoying. Some of them are not so subtle.
– [Medical procedure] scheduled Tuesday. Anticipating. The prep Monday afternoon/evening will be the worst. Bleah.
– Disrupted sleep times.
– The news. More bleah.
This week’s good:
– Secret Star Society!
– Christmas shopping. Extended family does an exchange which I only partially participate in. I love shopping for all the individuals, for items they need which are not on their lists, or stuff they would enjoy but never ask for. This year I am successfully limiting my purchases to one or two less expensive items for any one person.
– Music, especially choral.
– My financial assistant and buddy Ferdy is in Key West with two of her sisters and some other friends this weekend. Glad she got to go this time (advantage of being in job-hunting status).
– One bit of news: dinosaur feathers in amber!
Cluckity cluck.
Dinosaur feathers in amber!
I am padding softly, barefoot, into this space, to plant a wish before I go to bed.
This may be a thing I’ve wished before. If so, that’s okay. There are always deeper layers.
I am in the middle of a big, complex project — and yet, I really want to be able to rest, and breathe, and take time to notice the little lights shining in the darkness. I need those little lights, now more than ever.
I am wishing for the power to rest in motion.
I am wishing for the courage to be still, to rest more deeply, each and every day.
And I am also wishing to *be* a light shining in the darkness.
May it be so. * <3 *
“… the power to rest in motion.”
!!!!!!
I support all the wonderful wishes!
Chicken of a Monday morning, after a weekend of eating too much delicious garbage.
Breathing. Trying to let the always horrible news wash over me.
Delighting in children at Christmas. School programs, church programs, scout programs. Delighting in my favorite Christmas cookies, which my mother made – with assistance from my children – and I am going to eat one right now. Okay, two.
Delighting in the most extraordinary thing – I was in the grocery store parking lot yesterday and got chased down by a woman who asked if I was single. I said no, and she was disappointed, explaining that she was a professional matchmaker. As weird as that was, I am going to continue to delight in it as long as I can, and how I wish I could tell past me – especially me in the nineties – that one day this would happen.
Finally beginning to feel the Christmas spirit and remembering to be the light even as it is still such a dark and scary time in the world.
Monday chicken! Hello, loves!
As someone who has enjoyed both the donuts AND ordered several cakes, I like checking back in with a post over time. I embrace whatever we can do to make this space sustainable.
I’m not going to dweel too deep into the Horrible Suck, under which we all labor. MAy this understanding resolve itself quickly, in laughter and in love.
Other sucks are all basically the same suck. I am tired, and I do not make the best use of the time i do have, which is there, is increasing, in order to make art or even get still and quiet enough to listen to my own guidance. This is really no one’s doing but my own.
So much sparkle:
-the joy of Sequin Arts! i love this and i’m happy to discover that one art form creates all kinds of energy and inspiration for the others
-finding things i need in the Vast Collection of Art & Craft supplies. such a great investment, really
-following True Yes
– communities of practice
SuperPowers I’m claiming anf questions I’m asking:
-I know the next thing to do
-I receive and understand Guidance
-Creativity is always there for me.
-Doing by doing
-What do I need now?
-How can this be eeaier, gentler? Is this necessary?
-What’s underneath this feeling?
And since it’s the Winter Holiday season, I want to be a light and a bell.
I want to see the light again. I want to be the light again.
AMEN x10000
Today I was at the [Big Medicine Hospital] outpatient center to have a [medical procedure] which one normally appreciates only when it’s ovedr. On the way from the parking garage to the suites where the procedure is performed, I had to walk through the new Childrens’ Center. The entrance areas I passed through are enhanced with huge, cheerful, colorful sculptures, hanging aloft; they are charming and appealing to both children and adults.
But particularly, as you walk from the registration desk toward the elevators, you walk toward a very very large “television” screen, taking up about a third of the vertical wall ahead. As you approach the dark screen you start to see sparkly lights which approximate the shape of your body. If you stop and wave your arms around, the lights bloom and spark, reflect the movements of your arms, fading away where you were earlier and lighting up in new areas. It’s a SPARKLEPOINTS WALL! As long as you stand there, bouncing and twirling, watching your own movements reflected in colorful lights, you become a child yourself in a joyous, timeless space.
Wishes for us all — May we see the lights in the world this season, and whenever needed. May we find joy and laughter in unexpected places. May we take the light and joy with us into our ordinary lives.
<3
SPARKLEPOINTS WALL!!!!! I am glad your procedure is over and glad for these lovely wishes.
!!!!! So wonderful. Cheers for being done with the procedure and thank you for sharing the magical sparklepoints wall! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
My Wish this week:
I want to meet the me who is Easy about logistics. I get very tangled up about logistics and resent them, she does not. If logistics are a rubik’s cube (which is either the best or worst metaphor), I want to throw it out the window, and she is like, “ooooooh, this is fun!”
So either I want to no longer have a cube or have this delight in puzzles, or some combination of the above, but mainly I just want this easy sense of ease and No Big Deal about how things work out while I am in [major transition].
I want to feel grounded, stable, easily adaptable. I also want to make sure that I state my preferences when I have preferences, not some *distortion* of easy-going where I just go along with whatever instead of following my yes. Yes to my yes, but with ease and simplicity, full trust that however it works out, it’s going to be fine.
I am also seeding BIG SEEDS FOR BIG MIRACLES in the political realm, something that can pause and calm the storms and reverse some of the damage, without instigating war. I don’t know what these miraculous shifts are, but I am praying hard in the direction of Surprise Miracle Solutions and Doors Where We Couldn’t See Them Before, may it be so. <3
Adding my prayers (praying So Hard!!!!) to these wonderful superpowers of Surprise Miracle Solutions and Doors Where We Couldn’t See Them Before.
May it be so! <3 <3 <3
*fervently wishing alongside you, both for the personal and the political*
May Ease and Miracles abound!
It’s 6am Thursday morning and I need to Wish Chicken (or Chicken Wish).
The Overwhelmingly Grim
~ The rise in overendowed sense of entitlement by the privileged elite seems to be hitting the Western world with a vengeance and it’s hurting globally and personally… and those of us who are Sensies (Sensitives) are feeling it intensely
~ Internal landscape shifting so dramatically since my mother died it feels like my world has tilted on its axis; much Grief and disorientation and haunting by old memories, and of course pulling in all sorts of unrelated Grief because grief does that
~ It’s been nearly ten years since my [close family member] has been unstable and paying out (with periods of respite in between acting out, targeting those closest to her) and I truly Can’t. Do. It. Anymore. I love her dearly and will forever, but this last toxic spew has just completely and utterly crossed the boundaries into outright emotional abuse and I’ve actually blocked her (*Deep Pain*). I shall no longer, for the time being, try to redirect the interaction into a healthy, safe space–I am focused purely on Self-Protection right now *hangs head in sorrow*
~ With all this internal landscaping (Gardening! I’m weeding and planting and furrowing the soil!), I am so severely fatigued, I can barely function. Forget anything fun; I’m struggling to feed myself and get to work, much less add anything else in. Gaa!
~ Feeling horridly Alone (except when I’m at work)
The Deliciously Joyful
~ A teeny new family member has entered the world and I’m Just. Smitten! So much delight and clearly much oxytocin flooding my poor battered body as I hold this tiny being–better than pain relief and a nap! May I play a long and valuable role in this little one’s life *grins delightedly*
~ I know I bang on about my work colleagues, but they are just insanely good to me! I find flowers from someone’s garden or a pebble with a tiny card on my desk, I get lots of hugs, I make people laugh and am relaxed and can be myself, and I love how people come to me to arrange to have lunch together or ask for help or debrief about something–I feel wanted and included and valued for Me; all antidotes to what I knew most of my life.
~ Sweet birds visit my verandah (I live amongst the trees!) and there are a pair of King Parrots in parrots that particularly visit often–the boy parrot will come and perch near my window, sometimes whistling loudly as if commanding me to get him food (I occasionally give him organic sunflower seeds, but mostly avoid feeding them as they’re wild and need not to become reliant on humans), but other times he just sits there quietly and I feel like perhaps he likes the company too.
~ A Fluent Self space that is a lifesaver when I’m drowning–somewhere safe to retreat, where Sensitivity is normal, and Safety abounds–deep, loving gratitude to Havi and the Fluent Elves
Wishes
~ May all this dramatic axis tilting (internal and external) somehow release the Poisons and free up the Healthy (Heal Thy) Revolution
~ I wish for the superpower of Choosing Healthy without even thinking about it–this is emotionally, relationally, food-wise, sleep-wise, and also where I Invest my Precious Energy
~ I wish for Supports and Resources, both internally and externally, to face/manage/address the challenges that abound within and without me at present
May it be so. Tiny sweet orchid gifts in glass bowls to all.
<3 <3 <3
<3 to you!
<3 <3 <3
All your sweet hearts mean a lot, ty xx
Was reminded today of the superpower of kindness.
It’s good for others and good for yourself.
Wishing for the strength and forethought and temperament to be an oasis of kindness amidst a world gone mad.
Kindness is one of the most important superpowers.
This was precious hearing this, thankyou Neil. I have this superpower yet I take it for granted and wonder why it’s not more prevalent–but when you cast it as a superpower, I go, “oh” and appreciate.
Thankyou Kathleen xx
Chickening on a cold, dark Friday…
The amount of energy and money involved when coordinating a cross-country move is tremendously draining. My hard stuff this week is pretty much all variations on that theme, and you know what? I don’t want to put any *more* energy into talking about it right now. I want to talk about the good things!
–I’ve been staying with my mom for the past couple of weeks. We’re getting pizza delivered for dinner tonight. I haven’t lived in a place that could get food delivery in years!
–The dog has figured out that she doesn’t need to try to rush out the door every time it’s opened. This is making life much easier.
–The blanket I’m snuggled underneath right now is soft and is the color of a sunset.
–When I’m feeling tired and vulnerable, I have places like this where I can just show up, and be me, and be safe.
Lighting two candles this time — one for me, and one for you.
* <3 * * <3 *
Thank you for the candle!
I am glad you are finding good things in the midst of all the hard. <3
<3 <3 <3
Soft sunset blankets!
I’m lighting candles alongside you…
The hard:
– Haven’t written any poetry since the election that works. Good ideas fizzle, or get stuck.
– Usual feeling logy of this time of year. Too cold to go anywhere.
– Back and forth about library books on depressing topics: read or don’t read?
– Since my body doesn’t regulate my internal temperature effectively, i’m freezing all the time, no matter what I’m wearing. Doesn’t help me *think*.
The good:
+ Big pan of kugelis, and lactose-free sour cream, for lunch every day this week (even though I don’t normally eat lunch (because it’s too much bother)).
+ Sent out my winter holiday cards today. Recipients are 12 people in 1 ring, and 4 farther out, of a web that i’m in. I’m not completely ‘socially isolated’.
+ New plant has a wee sibling (captured in photo – I hadn’t noticed it until posting it on IG).
Samedi shalom!
Hard:
* North Carolina Goddam
* Michigan Goddam
* Maine Goddam
* Oklahoma Goddam
* Ohio Goddam
* [insert other states/regions/etc.] Goddam
* Dementor rodeo sucking up chunks of time
* Lungs acting up anew
* Not feeling like I have time for [h], and feeling like I must make time for [h].
* When will former yoga studio offer workshop I can use my credit on?
* Concerned about various people’s health / fitness
Good:
* 27th floor gathering = splendid views of my beautiful city
* Pear Mountain tea
* The CD I sang on in May is about to be released!
* Cake mix cookies to the rescue, and future ideas galore.
* Dwelling-reveling in today’s mild weather while shoveling leaves and scraping at weeds.
* Divinity done right really does keep for several weeks.
* Unexpected bunnies, nested in polka-dotted tissue paper
* Income!
* Treats!
* A friend loving their new job.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
*•* Sunday Chicken! *•*
This was my first week of my month-long social media sabbatical (which also includes blogs, but I’m still showing up here because this one is an exception. It’s not so much a blog, but a wonderful container and community of magical people and things).
The hard:
* Ugh the hangover following a bachelorette party. Asleep through half the day, which is the reason why I stopped going out.
* Trying hard not to watch TV, and then still ending up watching TV.
* Why are all the best sunny cafés smoking-friendly?
* The horrible pile of trash in the forest is getting larger, and today I discovered another one nearby. I’ve reported it last year and the authorities apparently don’t care. I’ll try to find the right person to notify, but my hopes for anyone actually doing anything about it are low.
The good:
* Social media sabbatical is wonderful.
* Writing a book! I’m actually excited about having some downtime from client work so I can focus on this project.
* Creative practice (almost) every day.
* The BORK! <3 I'm delighted that it's available again and looking forward to my first Rally.
* Walking in nature.
* Gorgeous weather and probably the warmest winter we've ever had.
* Lovely human rights activist friend inviting me to talk on her radio show! Honored and excited to speak out on feminist issues at this time when feminist and humanist values are under fire. Fierce Determination all the way!
* All the naps <3
Superpower I've had: Eyes On The Shining Beacon
Superpower I want: I Am Enough
Practicing asking for what I want:
If anyone reading this is currently writing a book (or wants to start like in the next week or so) and could use a chicken-buddy to chat, drink tea on video, vent, encourage and share wins and sparklepoints with, I'd love to talk to you. Please send a note to hi(at)neladunato.com
Thank you <3
*smiles at “community of magical people and things”*
lights and sighs
so many lights and sighs
my motto for 2017 is soft
because i have been feeling for months
that i had to become so tough
& efficient & dry & bitter
to make it through this year
now that i’m almost through
i wish to melt
to become soft again
& vulnerable & emotional & present & alive
coincidence:
me from january thought that
“soft&sweet”
would be a good thing to devote the month of december to
and wrote it on a paper
(came across this while looking for my credit card)
what’s the lesson here:
none
cause i’m not at school
what’s the mission here:
softness & sweetness & softness & sweetness
i light a light and sigh a sigh for all you good people out there ~~~~~
Sweet tender wishes…
Throwing some wishes into the pot on a Monday morning…
*light
*hope
*sparkle
*love
*kindness
*safety
*appreciation
*presence
Pot wishes!
Adding…
*even more safety
*respite
*at least equal ratios of Delight to Suffering, if not more
*laughter
*sweet soothing rest
*for good to somehow come of so many tears
*the deliciousness of Touch
*stirs pot and grins in delight*
I’m up at 1.38am on a work night due to an intense Grief Attack (I’m okay). I’m learning to just let myself weep/cry/sob/howl/feel the enormity of the pain (which has a knack of dragging in every other unprocessed pain so it becomes the Snowball of Grief Avalanche) yet also keep an eye on the clock, as that reminds me that this wave of excruciating pain is not forever (some are as short as 5min, even though they feel like forever, and my longest is 36min, so all I have to do is hold myself as gently as possible for up to 36min), and this strategy helps me ‘ride the wave’. But then I need some recovery time, so I came to this sweet safe space before I attempt sleep again. Heartfelt thanks for this space, all of you.
This is one of the *best* places for recovery time. Glad you’re here! <3
<3 <3 <3
I’m bringing some sweet smelling Comfort Cupcakes (the quality kind, but also the other kind if you like!) to this space – to you, and anyone else who might need it right now. <3
The last 6 months have been unsettling and disorienting. I feel ungrounded and adrift. I did some stone skipping about my lack of perceived good outcomes at interior decorating. And I realized that something inside me has shifted and my interior no longer looks like what I’m used to seeing. There are walls where once there were none. No wonder nothing felt right and nothing seemed to be working. I need to step back from the role of interior decorator and need to instead try my hand at creating some sort of floor plan or blueprint of my interior. It’s hard to decorate a room if you don’t know how big it is or even what sort of room it wants to be. I will let my values be a compass for my interior exploration: Learning, Creativity, Connection, Playfulness.
Oh I love how you’ve expressed this, Gnome! So creative and insightful. And it broadens my perspective on my own challenges, thankyou.
<3
*•* Saturday Chicken! *•*
Last weekend was very eventful (attended a wedding plus visited parents) so I skipped the chicken somehow. This week was pretty good.
What worked?
Following the rabbit holes!
Next time I might: test things throughly before I send them into the world to avoid potential bugs, frustration and embarrassment.
The hard:
• Working until 10 PM, not the best way to take care of myself.
• Tried to placate parties who had conflicting desires and ended up frustrated and angry because I’m trying to accommodate everyone and make sure everyone’s getting along, when in fact the only thing I should be doing is taking care of me, and let everyone else take care of themselves.
• Finding faults in every single thing I do and obsessing about things that were less than perfect. It’s difficult for me to enjoy the fact I’ve done well enough, to the best of my ability.
• Too much TV this week.
• Everything takes so much more time than I expect. Didn’t call the friend I wanted to Skype with because it turns out I was booked all day long. Sigh.
The good:
• Launched the Brand Revamp class! After more than a year of putting it off! The format is different that I initially planned, and I allowed myself to do it imperfect because man, I’m not waiting another year.
• Super kind emails from really wonderful people who dig my things. <3
• Handled the perfectionist monsters pretty well when they became very loud.
• I love my Friday mornings reserved for projectizing, and the [not so secret project] is coming along great.
• Social media sabbatical! <3
• Fun time with friends, eating fine cheese, olive oil and almonds.
• Discovered a new favorite tea blend.
• DONE with all my commitments for this year as of yesterday night. Whoosh, goodbye!
Superpower I had: I Am Enough.
Superpower I want: CALMS, Luscious Leisure