It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Listening.
We were planning to head out to Joshua Tree, and I really wanted this. The quiet, the beautiful, the not-working.
Except then Slightly Wiser Me stepped in and gave a no. Well, not so much a NO as a NOT YET, BABE.
She said, “Sweetie, tomorrow you are going to want to cry a lot and sit on the couch with a hot water bottle or hide in the bathtub. This is the cycle your body has, like it or not. This is not the time to be on the road or in a camper.”
And then I argued.
I pointed out that since quitting [gluten] back in March, our monthly time-out has gotten way less nightmarish and is actually perfectly manageable. Which is true. Except experience has shown that when Slightly Wiser Me makes a suggestion, I really want to follow it.
She said, “Do this for me, as a favor.”
So I listened.
Thank you thank you thank you thank you a thousand times thank you for this moment of listening. She was so completely right.
Next time I might…
Say yes to retreating.
{YES}
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- This was a hard, challenging week for me. I was deep in my stuff. A breath for meeting myself where I am, with as much love as I can muster.
- Grief and pain. Realizations about loss, memories about loss, reflections of losses past. I am feeling rage about injustice in this country, about the helplessness of it. I am feeling astonishment at seeing the abusive things I have put up with in past relationships. I am seeing the interconnectedness of pain as I walk through the sadness around losing my mother. I danced the dance of the spirals in the desert, and wept about not being able to teach anymore. A breath for everything, for letting be and for letting go.
- A super depressing realization about next year, after crunching numbers in a hundred different ways. I don’t (yet) see how it’s possible to follow the road that is calling me, and to give myself the time off I so intensely want/need. A breath for asking for clear seeing, for surprise miracles.
- Radical Sovereignty: It is so hard to live like this. I mean, sure, it is so much harder to not live like this but my god. The vulnerability of saying to someone you care about that you don’t want the thing they want. The way I compromise my desires, neglect to state my preferences, avoid opportunities to treasure myself, pretend that what I want is not important, or act as if I don’t even know what that is. A breath for ease and comfort.
- A lot is in flux right now. Like, a lot a lot a lot. Body is freaking out about this, even though it’s good. A breath for trusting the process of life.
- Forgetting truth-love, forgetting to nourish myself first, forgetting to tend to body first, forgetting that this is my real job and only job. A breath for remembering, and for trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
- I miss teaching [thing I used to teach]. I feel so much sadness and pain about that whole stupid, sad, obnoxious misunderstanding. A breath for smiling at the broken pots.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic: now on Day 30. It has been so amazing. A breath for receiving.
- Love. A breath for pure joy.
- Being in spectacularly beautiful places that are a healing. Thank you, Death Valley. Thank you, mountains and sky. A breath for deep quiet.
- Dancing spirals in the desert. A breath of thank you.
- I am having ideas and insights about all the things that aren’t working instead of just being in a mood about how frustrating it is that they aren’t working. A breath for hopefulness.
- I caught myself in the pattern of [trying to force myself to do the thing I don’t want and somehow make it work] instead of speaking the truth about what I do want, and I said what I wanted. A breath for how this breaks things, in a good way. A breath for sweet powerful necessary destruction/deconstruction.
- Warm hand on my cheek. Warm voice in my ear. A breath for this sweetness.
- Thankfulness. Heart full of love. Tiny miracles everywhere. Wise friends who remind me to forgive myself. So much sweetness in my life, so much kindness, so much generosity and permission. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
More editing done, more Sip Hint magic done, and a ton of planning for the next two years. Come on, fractal flowers! Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.
This post: This may be slightly surreal.
Superpowers…
Powers I had this week…
I had the power of Remarkably Calm And Sanguine.
I had this power to such an extent that it somehow prevailed even when we got lost in the Mojave desert in the dark, on foot, and couldn’t find the camper, and the moon was hidden by clouds and we were wandering back and forth on paths that might not have been paths, and it looked like we might have to give up and sleep in the sand and be cold and hungry until morning.
It was a very good superpower and also we found our way back and had a very delicious dinner, and slept like babies in a warm bed.
Superpowers I want.
Same same. The superpower of Joyful Full-Hearted Adventuring While Treasuring Myself. And trusting my instincts.
The Salve of Remarkably Calm And Sanguine.
This salve contains many qualities, including:
Presence. Surrender. Comfort. Grace. Steadiness. Trust. Illuminating. Receiving.
I want to say that it is a salve that offers perspective, but really it is a salve that reveals perspective.
When it touches my skin, I remember that the thing I think is bad news might not be. In fact, it probably isn’t. For sure it isn’t.
That bus that just blew by without stopping for me was not my bus, even though I thought it was. I know that it isn’t, because I’m not on it.
That means that either another bus is my bus, or I am going to have a fabulous adventure walking, or something else is going to happen, but either way, this is not bad news. Everything is okay.
While I gradually soften into this remembering, my skin remembers truth, steady calm begins to circulate through my system, in my breath and in my blood…. and everything changes for the better.
Or maybe it doesn’t change. Maybe it already was good and I didn’t realize it.
But in this moment of steadiness, I can see new options and better possibilities. I am able to play.
It’s a secret clarity salve, because as you stop assuming that things are a disaster, all the little sparks of good begin to reveal themselves. And it starts to be the tiniest bit funny.
You can laugh your way into solutions with this salve. You can even trip over them, but it doesn’t hurt. You’re Remarkably Calm And Sanguine, as you giggle and pick up your next clue.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is an Australian group called You Can’t Fake That, they play lounge music and actually it’s just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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What worked? Frontloading the week. Friday p.m. disco nap!
Next time? Listen to SWM about eschewing events (1) with challenging parking (2) on school nights. It is not even remotely letting down Future Me to choose sleep over socializing.
Hard, disturbing, etc.
1. Oh, world. I have no words.
2. Really? The light is out again already?
3. Might be time for a new machine. Not wanting to deal with that yet.
4. My sarcasm detector is a slow, small thing, and I’m feeling bruised and harassed by what seem to be routine interactions in the larger world.
5. Wondering what I ate that didn’t agree with my digestion.
6. Witnessing or overhearing digs against political correctness and anti-harassment policies from a variety of people. Feeling anguish, exasperation, and exhaustion about all the Not Getting It.
7. Mystery trash in our recycling bin.
8. All the other mysteries, fears, and their like that remain unspoken. Thank you for the wisdom and perspectiveness and aliveness.
Will continue with the good later… Shabbat shalom and warm wishes.
Oh my goodness that post about arms. My right arm has been having a protest for nearly 3 months. It too keep saying “no more pain.” Or possibly “move to Maine.” On the off chance that it is the second, that is where I am going tomorrow on a reconnaissance mission. (If anyone has a lovely story about how the nerve pain from herniated disc went away completely after the second Cortisone shot I would love to hear it.)
The hard:
Arm pain returned after a small reprieve. Another shot next week which means time off work but hopefully not carsickness and bleck again.
Talking to the money ambassador and having to answer questions about why was this like this and why isn’t there more? Shame and remembering Then.
Trying to listen to my body, but so many messages coming from it I don’t know what it wants.
The good:
Realizing that having all the things that brought me here be gone means that I am free to leave too.
Realizing that now is not then. And that I am a grown up with her head held high, not cowering in shame.
The money ambassador returning with a letter that says Yes. Yes.
A little house that says “come and make me yours.”
I can do lots of things with only one arm working well. And today was better than yesterday.
I giggled about “move to Maine” because my body has been saying “move to Nevada”, but maybe it really means “eat a banana” or something else entirely…
Lassitude and Inertia ruled my week. Possibly not true, because when I think about it, I got stuff done.
I had three bad nights of little sleep and much pain in. a. row. and I still had to do stuff.
I reread a Nero Wolfe story and found Clews and I followed them today and a few things are lots better now. Operation Nero Wolfe was put into effect this afternoon.
I finally made all the calls but one and set things up for next week to be a good, relaxed week with fun and getting things done and also a week of setting things up for more fun and more good things.
I’m trying to listen more to my body and it sometimes seems like we speak different languages. Where “move to Nevada” might mean “eat a banana” — like that.
Come to think of it, my body does want more bananas.
Oh week. Cluck and more cluck.
Leaving pebbles for you all.
What worked this week: Calling in sick ontuesday. I didnt eevn realizing i ws going til i was in the shower. My work clothes were laid out, but no, i tok the day to adjust my own oxygen mask, and it really helped. Also , Sagitarius capers. I aspire to them, but fall short, but i like that i’m seeding this
the sucks:
-elder kid’s grades slipping, asking for counseling, wanting and not wanting to see her dad
-husband and the New Normal made me lose sleep. literally, beign up all nite, having to sleep on couch. being kind but seriously ugh
-slow movement at times on SuperAwesome project, like the past 3 days i just couldnt get anything doen
-the freindly dogs are toxic
-i spent the evening spinnign m wheels and ended with bad bedtime routines with younger kid, total suck
-i spent the evenign spinning my wheels and have not really danced, or had altar time or anything constructive> i have to reclaim friday nite
-not going to tango class
-Murica
the sparkles:
-tuesday was warm, and all mine
-many seeds i planted around sharpening senses and perception paying off
-dreams, starting to remember them
-sweetness is sweet
-lots f process goodies, vrygrateful. must jounral more.
Oh, this *has* been a hard-feeling week. Wow. It hasn’t even been bad, exactly, for me, just hard.
Logistics and anxiety and insufficient sleep. Oh, and a disappointment or two as well.
Good stuff: music and satisfying work and beautiful ideas bubbling to the surface, and lots of things to look forward to. And liking myself, which is no small thing.
I am accepting some of your glorious salve, with love and gratitude. I now invoke the superpower of Remarkably Calm and Sanguine! <3
Hello Chickeneers!
This week has been a week, alright.
The Hard:
– Umm… Death. Specifically my two sweet chickens, who were killed by a raccoon. You (collectively) are only the second [] I’ve told. I’m actually kind of amazed by how much shock and sadness I have in me about this.
– Also Christmas Cards, the ones I’m not sending. See also: relatives who’ve recently died. Though if someone were going to send Christmas cards to their dead relatives, it would totally be me.
– Rats. In broad daylight several feet from me. So I’m scared to walk anywhere in the house in case they’ve infiltrated and I need to close up the hole under our sink and also put out traps and I don’t want to be involved with this.
– So much news of so many sorts, all requiring action, all at once.
– My husband and I searched a long time until we found a therapist who wasn’t too freaked out or baffled by us to help us. So that we can actually have conversations about what’s going on instead of endlessly having to explain/defend that we’re poly or kinky or HSPs or whatever. But then last week our amazing super-therapist totally seemed to go into weird judgment mode about a thing I’m doing, and told me to do something that won’t work at all instead. As if I said: “see my oil painting masterpiece? But the easel was a bit low, so now my back hurts.” And she responded “I think you’re too tall for oil painting, but you could express yourself fine in less-dangerous sidewalk chalk.” And then I said “no, I think I’d just like to adjust the easel,” but she kept I insisting on sidewalk chalk. I think it’ll be fine and we can just not bring up this part of our life around her, but my monsters are in their “you are TOO MANY CONFLICTING MINORITIES” story, with a chorus of “NO ONE WILL EVER GET YOU AND BE ABLE TO HELP YOU, BUT EVERYONE WILL CONTINUE TO TRY FOREVER AND THEY’LL BLAME YOU WHEN THEIR ADVICE DOESN’T WORK.”
– Trying to write scholarship essays, and just really struggling with the whole thing. Basically all the same monsters from above, actually.
– I wrote to soooo many people this week. And I think it’s equally hard to hear back and to not hear back.
The Good:
– Read some super useful stuff on HSPs on Elaine Aron’s website that was the exact perfect reminder/clew for this whole going back to school thing. Actually, for this whole “being Rhiannon” thing as well.
– I’ve figured out the core of two of my essays, hitting that exhilarating moment when I know what I want to say. Now it’s just a matter of hammering the words into place.
– I get to send Christmas cards! I don’t really get why, but I just love it. Like in the actual card you can’t really say anything real so it’s just superficial stuff and photos of you looking happy in a kind of insane way, but I love sending them with real true goodwill. Something tangible for all these people I love and don’t always have words for, or a way to reach out to.
– So many new words and phrases from the babers this week. She is so funny and insightful and I love hearing what’s going on in her head, playing with language with her – all of it. Her vocabulary of phrases is still so limited and yet she uses them to say so much.
– Also at her Spanish class today she was doing crazy spontaneous yoga all the time and I was so proud. Oh that’s my kid, the one in the corner singing and moving her body *exactly* how it wants to move.
– I called the person I didn’t think I was allowed to call anymore and though it was confusing and didn’t resolve anything, maybe there is still room for HeartTruth here.
– As stressful as it is, having two different universities trying to convince me to chose them is a nice challenge. I get a million points for even entertaining the idea of communicating and negotiating instead of going the less stressful route. I feel like I’m more able to feel the goodwill and caring instead of my own anxiety, and that’s very different from last time.
– I watched some amazing movies this week. Beautiful moving art. It was great.
Love to you, Chickeneers.
Sending you love and tender thoughts.
Now for the good things:
1. Things working out in spite of mistakes. The drop in temperatures keeping the beer cold even when I forgot to put it away. The bulbs that were too big for the chandelier fitting the back sconce.
2. I grind my teeth over Past Me’s decisions a fair bit, but the kid made some good calls along the way. One of them — stocking up on plain bras six years ago — was a godsend this week.
3. I’m feeling good about some of the time vs. money vs. opportunity judgment calls I’ve been making.
4. Being old enough, solvent enough, and secure enough to plot some seasonal surprises.
5. An excellent massage therapist I’d wanted to see again is now five minutes from my current office. Her new salon has a much better vibe than the one she was at, and she gave me some extra attention since “it had been a while.”
6. My old powder matches my face again. And I’m still within the window for exchanging the new one.
7. My mentors. They are so encouraging and experienced. I am so grateful.
8. There is much right with the world. My brainy, brave, compassionate friends raising brainy, brave, compassionate children. Adorable dogs. Amusing beloveds.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
I am re-learning [dance that must not be named] from you, even though you are not teaching it now. Time is funny.
Thank you.
This salve is exactly what I’ve been needing lately. I might need a giant jar of it, since even when I remember it exists, I keep forgetting it.
Thank you.
I hope everything is more ease-filled for you 🙂