It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Changing passwords.
Partly because I got a hit from Incoming Me that the time for this is now, and after not listening to her on the credit cards, I think-hope I’ve learned my lesson.
And partly because I realized that a password I use often is like a door. And why would I not want my doors (and my passages through them) to be beautiful, congruent, harmonious, and generally reflect how I want to be in the world.
Now whenever I log into things I smile with delight.
Turning off notifications.
Yes!
Next time I might…
Pause, breathe, say thank you.
This week I noticed that I would mysteriously forget the good, even though good things are right there in front of me, waiting for me to smile at them.
So. Thank you.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- As a friend of mine says, the strategy of “wait it out and hope things get better” is not particularly effective. The sovereign thing to do is to keep checking in, ask for status updates, and not fear being a squeaky wheel. My long-standing pattern of I Don’t Want To Be a PLB (pissy little bitch, long story) gets in the way. A breath for strength, sustenance, and (quietly) making some noise.
- Related: it’s been two weeks since I made a very firm request of someone, and they have not responded. A breath for the perfect simple solution.
- Packing is fraught. For me. Preparing for a six month road trip more so. No small feat to balance Elegant Minimalism with Be Prepared For Anything, with I Am A Devoted Wild Sensualist, with I Am A Formerly Homeless Person Who Likes Visible Evidence Of Plenty. A breath for trust, and remembering that I am held.
- This week did not include much sleep, and now my body is complaining, rightfully so. A breath for taking care of myself, and for making peace with the fact that what I need is what I need.
- Second-guessing everything. A breath for standing in my strength.
- A year and four months ago, during rally, incoming me acquired a gift for me. To say I liked it is an understatement. I liked it so much that it scared me, and immediately hid it in my closet. This week it was time to bring it into the light. This was important, and not easy. A breath for safe passage.
- Frustration with so many things. With institutions, ingrained patterns, outrageous sexism (and all the -isms and -phobics and -shaming) and how this is everywhere, both in the sense that it is built in, and in the sense that it pops up, and is exhausting and stupid, and yet still mysteriously invisible to those who don’t directly experience it, A breath for undoing, and for bridges.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- For the first time ever, the spring time change didn’t mess with me, and was funny instead of traumatic. I have not-fun memories related to Sudden Time Change Sprung (ha, pun) On Me, including the time I was late to an exam at university in Tel Aviv, and the entire lecture hall laughed at me. No one believed me because the time change had happened a week earlier, and I hadn’t known. Being disbelieved is the most painful thing for me. This year, I forgot, as I do every year. Took a nap at 7:30pm only to wake up six hours later. Set a timer to go off X hours later for a breakfast rendezvous. Woke up on my own at the exact right time, completely baffled to see there was another hour left on the timer. Took a while to put the pieces together but I laughed. And for once not feeling jet-lagged, maybe thanks to fourteen hours of sleep? A breath for rewriting.
- Speaking of curses being lifted, the beautiful boy made it his mission in life to reverse my birthday curse, and it really was the loveliest day. Offline. Out in the woods on a glorious spring day. Delicious pizza sans gluten (how is that even possible). Kisses and sweetness. Writing notes with Incoming Me. Tea with my favorite uncle. And then, as described, bed at 7:30pm, because being thirty eight is exhausting, apparently. A breath for pure, sweet, unconditional joy.
- Brunch with Luke the Noir Gunslinger, getting caught up on all the machinations of Blakely’s henchmen. A breath for friendship.
- My knee is steadily doing better. It was able to go on hikes (with a brace), and my balance is better. Sitting is still not fun, and I’m still being pretty careful, but things are moving, in all senses of that. A breath of love for my body.
- I expected leaving for six month road trip would provoke the most intense of identity crises, but mainly I feel excited. This seems like a brilliantly reckless and irresponsible thing to be doing at thirty eight years old, while other people are doing adult things like jobs, kids, goals. In the meantime my big plan is: DO LOTS OF NOTHING AND BE OUTDOORS. Turn inward, get quiet and peaceful, follow each tiny yes, see what happens. And I’m weirdly fine with this. A breath for Marvelously Unfazed, the superpower I always want.
- Embarking on Operation True Yes aka Rosh Tzalul (clear head) aka six months on the road. It is happening! We took off last night for California. A breath for Shmita and this grand adventure.
- I caught myself in a hilarious lie, and realized that I have been telling a story about how I don’t know anything about how to resolve Situation X, when in fact I am practically the world expert on resolving Situation X, and no one is more qualified than I am to do this mission. A breath for remembering, and for listening to the things I tell myself.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Brunch with Marisa. Passing notes with Incoming Me. Sweetness-laced wisdom from my lover when I was falling apart. Richard took me on a hundred errands. Days are longer. The magnolias and forsythia are just obscenely luscious right now. I love the Secret Sword Society so much! Discarding things that are no longer my yes. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
I am retooling the Provisioning Map (packing list) based on what I learned this week. The errands happened and the packing happened, and I made it! Oh, and an addiction broke (like a fever breaking, not like a limb), and I did not engage in pellet-pushing this week. Thank you fractal flowers. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise words from past-me.
Oh, Barrington!
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpower of This Moment Is Right, and the related power of Looking Up At The Precise Moment To See The Clues.
Powers I want.
The power of Letting Go Of This Is No Big Deal.
The Salve of No Big Deal.
This salve features Katy Perry saying, bring the beat back.
It eases headaches, soothes worries, and has a bubbly, fun, pink feel to it. It’s like something you’d run into on Adventure Time.
When I wear this salve, I stop being impressed by my fuzzball monsters, and I remember that actually I am okay, and things are okay, and the story hasn’t unfolded yet, so let’s kick back and watch to see what happens.
It has a clean, clear citrus scent, it is impatient with unnecessary cobwebs (as opposed to the kind in my uncle’s house, which are absolutely necessary), and it makes me think of the word uplifting, and realize that I never properly understood it before.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes from my friend Luke, and it’s called The Technician, their latest album is The Map of Suspicious Weird Things, they play wistful ballads on banjoes and ukuleles, and, as it turns out, they’re actually just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
Two wonderful playground companions, Momo and Shmulik are still available for adoption.
They are fuzzy, friendly, and very helpful. You put a mason jar inside with water for drinking, or snacks for snacking, and your marvelous provisions are in disguise, because everyone just thinks you have a very friendly monster.
They attach to your bag with clips, or hide inside your bag to surprise you. When unzipped, they grin wildly. Each has a hidden pocket inside for post-it notes or treasure.
$12 each + $5.95 shipping/handling or both for $18 + $12.65 shipping/handling.
And, as always, I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
They help, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
This week was another weird week, which is making me wonder how often I *don’t* think a week is weird.
THE HARD
–body having pain and brain fog and mysterious patterns in my fairly-predictable-even-if-the-pattern-is-crap cycle.
–experiencing something as deeply incongruent without having the first idea how to do anything about it
–travel + time change = cranky
THE GOOD
–I actually took a sick day, which I almost never do unless I’m so sick I can’t even email from the couch
–some clarity about the incongruence
–spending time with supportive, sovereign, kick-ass online communities
–hanging out in my aerie, which is also a cave. And awesome.
Hello Chickeners and cluck cluck.
It was a better week in many ways, but so much hard.
What worked: Best Practices, esp early bedtime, not clicking the link, not reading the comments, remembering there is a way of interacting that is not disdainful or mean.
The sucks:
-the Re-Appearance of the OMG WTF BBQ
-so many hurt feelings, every day, so much Now Sure the FUCK Feels Like Then
-yearning for the Occultist. a breath for radio silence
-so many deadlines, all crowded up together. what was I thinking?
-Monday nite was awful
-Tuesday morning I spent 10 minutes in the parking lot at work, sobbing hysterically because I was so sad
– totes lack of movement, totes lack of White Flowers. a breath for feeling like I suck
-I am determined to be done at the Pound, but every once in a while, I go and I always regret it. a breath for No There There
the sparkle:
-both kids doing well on report card. Oldest kid in particular really succeeding, and excited for high school next fall
-registering for Black Forest Retreat with youngest kid! Feeling so excited and looking forward since then
-submitted two workshop proposals for above, so excited!
-returning to Best Practices always feels so good
-I’m not doing a morning workout yet, but I’ve been very consistent on morning pushups and sun salute. I now have a Phantom Six Pack.
-nicer weather and the return of spring
-invites for Spring equinox include going to 2 events, both will be a second appearance for me. a breath for getting out into the community, and continuity
The week!
The Hard:
– Everyone is still sick/sick again. So the kid was home from school all week, and overwrought by the tiniest thing. And my love could barely move and had to cancel all his work, not that there was much anyway. Bleh, money.
– All the stuff that needs doing “when I’m well enough.” We’re on month two of not well enough. I’m afraid one or more of us has pneumonia.
– Bad news.
– Taking a big scary step. Or kind of pre-taking it. Working through some of my stuff by being in it.
– My sproutlets are somewhat mysteriously ailing, poor dears.
– Struggling with patience. I want to make 30 years of life changes this week and it annoys me that this is unrealistic.
The Good:
– This week’s mission-on-the-college-campus when one hundred million times better than last time. I think I can do this. And enjoy it.
– I’m a finalist for the teaching job I really want!
– Three nice things about Scarlet being sick: 1. She doesn’t have enough energy to be quite so destructive/disruptive to the house. 2. She’s amazingly cuddly. 3. I’m getting pretty good at holding space for someone who’s completely past their ability to handle their emotions. And that’s a darn useful skill.
– Every week she’s better at communicating, and every week this makes my life so much easier and more fun.
– Plants blooming like crazy! I can’t even handle how great it is.
– I found an awesome breakfast food I can make in advance for the whole week!
(ps yes i used this as a coping strategy too:
when they are sick it is sad, but heavens they stay PUT and it offsets a bit of the worry and labor)
The Hard:
People are mortal. Even the people we love. A breath for life spans.
Uncertainty about fees and clients and things that I feel like I should be certain about.
Wanting.
The Good:
Being reminded that we are mortal.
Sent the project! In the rock climbing sense. And got a high five.
2 thank you notes from clients this week.
An old friend back in my life. Right when I need her.
My Unconscious informed me this afternoon that we need to go wordless for the foreseeable future.
I dropped my 2 Meetup groups, and withdrew from my 2 Patreon thingies. I emailed the new proto-friend who was waiting to hear from me that they… wouldn’t be.
When we “get back”, we will be different — we will get to start from scratch. Again. I love the freedom of that.
Clucking in…
What worked? Deferring errands.
Next time? Wear socks.
Challenging:
* Having to say no to a prospective client
* Worked 47 hours at the day job this week, and that was with a morning off. Which has meant saying no (or at least not yet) to other people and projects as well.
* Mysterious invisible stuff in the way.
Good:
* Tulips sure are sturdy, and crocuses too. Worst winter in my city in years, and they are still up.
* Teaching colleagues software and PM hacks. Nice to be reminded of how much I know … especially during a week where various learning curves repeatedly dumped me into the weeds.
* Antibiotic is working.
* Had such fun pulling a piece together for First Class Lit, and this week they published it.
* Zouk! Especially the Jean-Marie Ragald song I’ve had on heavy rotation all week.
With warm wishes and bouquets to all who would welcome them.
Ze week o’ me…
Say What?
– My skin is not so happy in exactly three places. All the lotions and ointments I try do not help. I guess I’ll try applying salve of No Big Deal on it this week. Skin stuff? No big deal! A breath for body love.
– Awkward networking meeting at new job sponsored by building manager. #hiddenagenda #getyourfriendstorentemptyoffices A breath for noticing judgements.
– Exhaustion. Is it possible to feel caught up on sleep?! A breath for more self-care.
– Desire for something that I can’t have. Well, I could, but I don’t think it’s a good idea. But I also *do* think it’s a good idea, that’s why I desire it. A breath for going back and forth and sometimes even feeling frustrated and angry about it.
Hooray!
– First time in months that I felt like myself again. A breath for self-recognition.
– New job makes me smile! I love being away from the computer. A breath for new beginnings.
– Hugs from little ones who think I’m awesome no matter what I’m going through on the inside. A breath for friends of all sizes.
– Driving with the windows down and singing. A breath for fresh air.
– Session with new coach was nice. A breath for staying relaxed while talking about myself.
Say hi to CA for me, Havi!
O Chicken, my Chicken..
What worked: allowing my feelings to be what they were, even when they hurt.
Next time: More costume changes. More changes of scenery. Maybe I can choose some of my own plot twists, instead of just letting them happen to me.
Hard stuff:
Waves of grief, not only for things lost, but for things that haven’t been lost yet.
Watching my daughter struggling with something, and struggling myself to know how to interact with her struggle. Sovereignty in parenting is not an easy thing.
Feeling very far away from a lot of the people I love. Fearing that I will cease to matter to them, because of being far away. Oh, monsters.
Good stuff:
Lunch with a local relative that I haven’t seen in years. Coffee and conversation with a lovely individual that I was meeting in person for the first time.
Singing every day. Playing piano and guitar, and feeling the instruments vibrating in my hands.
Delighting myself with my own writing.
Wonderful music therapy clients.
The miracle of the Internet. I would be so much lonelier without it.
Plenty of energy! Don’t look now, folks, but I think spring is on the wing.
A powerful insight that is taking its long, sweet time to be fully processed. It even woke me up in the middle of the night, just to let me know how significant it was.
I now invoke the superpower of Softening Into the Present Moment. <3
This was another week, and like all weeks, it passed. Some good things happened this week, and so did some not good things.
What worked this week: using what I know.
Next time: I want to use what I know sooner, and involve other versions of me in the discussion and planning and trying things.
Good things:
My husband is more like himself some days. He did well at PT and is making a lot of progress. The therapist was amazed. After his massage, he stood for several seconds unsupported and was so happy that he hugged both me and the therapist.
A friend I haven’t seen in a long time came by with a book that I needed, and I was able to say some things to her that she found helpful.
I had two great classes this week; the other is on spring break.
I took 8-year-old me and 85-year-old me for a walk, and some other versions of me tagged along and we had a nice time and then spent over an hour on a project that we’ve been stalled on for a long time.
Hard things:
Some computer confusion that took days to straighten out.
Skipping and hopscotch don’t come easily anymore.
Pain and swelling and not sleeping and exhaustion.
I haven’t seen any flowers coming up, nor buds on the trees, which I usually do see this time of year. But the prediction is for lovely weather this week and I hope to be out in it.
Wow… my week was weird.
What worked:
– Some hard stuff happened, and I took it in a relatively ok-stuff-happens-not-the-end-of-the-world way. Which is quiet surprising for me.
– Listening to the voice that said, Don’t Over-Do.
– Walking a lot. Sitting on the beach and drawing a sketch there. Using a pilot pen for sketching. Sitting in my new secret corner in Jerusalem and thinking about happiness.
Next week I might:
– Avoid Facebook, like the week before. It felt really good then.
The challenging:
– I decided to tell [close friend] everything that bothers me about our friendship, which by itself was probably a good idea. But I did it via WhatsApp, which means a lot of misunderstandings plus not knowing even what was understood and what wasn’t. It led to an argument and to him not speaking to me and not answering my messages.
– Didn’t sleep enough and was really tired at school, which can be OK in some lessons but really exhausting in others.
– Wanting something to happen and then hearing, first source, that it did happen – sort of – but not to me. A bubble exploded and it is weird and also kind of sad. Not being able to say how I feel because apparently it doesn’t really matter anymore.
The good:
– My roommate’s birthday party.
– Some responsibilities coming to an end soon, after I did SO much. Other – and nice – responsibilities that I really wanted instead.
– Suddenly I have more work options than I have time for, after only recently the situation was quite opposite.
– Remembering happiness and smiling without a reason and also with many reasons.
– I said what I feel in most situations. Except one where I really think it’s unnecessary, although I think it is necessary always, which is also an issue.
cheers, Chickeneers!
you can’t always get what you want
-B dq’d for an inadvertent infraction, when they could have assessed a penalty & L’s physical health will remove him from the sport he love
-community gutted by these 2 things
-a whole bunch of firings/letting go’s at work. we can tell – they go to a meeting, and HR shows up at their desk with boxes & packs up their personal things.
but you get what you need
+a world-wide community bands together and out of yuck came so much uplifting, positivity, and support, in an amazingly sovereign way. can you believe it?!
+feedback that a project I took on, on my own, was the right thing to do
+earlier bedtimes are making such a difference. yay for rest!
aaaahhwaw yeah
toolbox tools: Alignment Exercise (I have a love/hate ‘ship with that one), It’s Not About Me, Right Timing
superpowers: It’s My Door And I’ll Close It If I Want To, I Take Care of Myself, BOUNCE! <- that is my awesome force field
superpowers for next week: Completion! Trusting the Voyage! I Take Care of Myself
Hello Chicken!
This has been the week of Op: Mister Newts. Adventures! Secret Agents! A flurry of intel! WOW.
Breathing for the tangles.
+A breath for the resurfacing of the Rogasia Heisters. No thank you! Force fields!
+A breath for the Questionable Spinach conundrum. Blech! Releasing and forgiveness.
+A breath for forgetting the cookies. Whoops! It’s okay.
+A breath for the me who cried when the Triple C scroll showed up. Oh sweetheart! It’s okay to be sad and happy. It’s okay not to know why. I am the okayest!
+A breath for the me who hasn’t done All The Things yet. Also okay! I am the okayest!
+A breath for Agent Codo. You’re awesome! Thank you for being a Fairy Godmonster Agent!
+A breath for the Banana Peel dilemma. Breathing in solutions, potions, magic, healing.
+A breath for the me who hasn’t been to MM in quite a while. It’s okay! Maybe I will go this time.
Breathing for the donuts.
+A breath for Op: Mermaid Wings. MERMAID WINGS!!!!
+A breath for all the books. ALL THE BOOKS!!!!
+A breath for the Big Yellow Platypus World Evolution passage. HOW AWESOME IS THIS THING I HAVE MAGICALLY CREATED FOR MYSELF.
+A breath for successful Op: Zmob. WHAM BOOM!
+A breath for Mister Newts! Oh WOW. Breathing excitement and transmogrification and delight and superpowers and magic and receiving and presents (presents!)
+A breath for the Triple C scroll. Relief. Sparkliness. Possibility.
+A breath for planning the Rainbow Spice Voyage. Finally! YAY!
+A breath for springtime. SPRINGTIME!!!! Warmer weather! More sunlight! Plants!
I have been very centered in my Superpower of I Am So Ready this week. Yes. YES. I Am So Ready. Also: Superpower of I Totally Got This. And a good does of Superpower of Where Is My Mind.
Now I am invoking: Superpower of I Totally Got This. Superpower of Plenty of Time, Plenty of Space. Superpower of I Receive The Support I Need. Superpower of MMMmmm Plants.
And my fake band of the week: Glitter Savage! Playing tonight in the Studio by the Sea!
The Dude still in hospital. The Future is Not Now. Me seeing him daily. Napping, reading, and being. Keeping people in the loop. Appreciating Medical Professionals and People Who Feed Me. Also, people I can call who will Be Alarmed if I don’t call. An invitation to talk to a Listening Professional and one for a massage. I will know the right time for these.
Sparklepoints for the absence of recriminations about The Nuclear Pancake Incident and the I’m on the Outside and Can’t Get Back In Incident, both of which were resolved without damage. Yes, I’m stressed.
I think an Iguana ate my Monster Manual. Ha ha! Foiled by electronic back-up! I needed it to do the portrait of Fluster.
Realization that sometimes what looks like Hard coming over the horizon may just be Different. Miss Edna came out of semi-retirement to write me a Permission Slip to make the Hard into the Just Different. It may be a Superpower, too. I will keep my looking-glass on it to see what it might be.
And I am still Dealing with this like a Riverboat Gambler who Owns the Boat, but may not be Playing With a Full Deck.
prayers for The Dude. <3
Red Hot Chicken!
The Dude has been off oxygen and sitting up in a chair, all day. He is getting above 90% of his oxygen needs even though he’s talking on the phone and with a visitor.
Bouquets for your prayers and love
Oh this is excellent news!