It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Writing in the truck!
It used to be that reading or writing as a passenger made me dizzy, but this has changed.
We logged a lot of driving hours this week, and two things helped a lot, credit to my adventuring companion for both of these: a laptop charger that plugs into the lighter thing, and hanging a shirt over the window (and then rolling it up to hold it in place) to help with glare.
Going on Shmita has unleashed some things for me, and all I wanted to do this week was write and process, and I was able to do both.
Learning from experience.
Operation Tranquility Recovery, our six week road trip adventure a few months back, gave me solid intel about optimal conditions for long hours in a truck.
This time I am Well-Provisioned.
I have smelling salts with lavender, chamomile and clary sage, which keep me steady when I start to disconnect from my body.
I have a little cloth bag with velcro closure to stash scraps of paper or food wrappers. I have a small bolster cushion for my back, and a bag of tinctures. My lover calls me the Traveling Apothecary, but hey, whatever it takes.
Next time I might…
Do even more advance-provisioning.
For example, a spray bottle of rose water that lives in the truck.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The fuel tank in the truck blew, eighteen miles away from the racetrack. We didn’t die! But we were stranded and had to wait for a tow, and the tow couldn’t manage the trailer so we had to wait for another one, which added a three hour delay to our eight hours of driving that day, which meant hardly any sleep before track day. And it will cost $3500 to fix the truck. A breath for this.
- About fifty dollars worth of food was ruined, as were all my notebooks, due to weird and unexplainable mishaps. And my brand new glasses are missing, and I need them. A breath for letting go.
- My right knee, aka the one that hasn’t been injured for the past two months, started hurting, for no apparent reason. When I pulled out the ice pack, it had somehow also broken and was leaking toxic goo. A breath for comfort.
- The boy crashed his motorcycle. He is okay (and Marvelously Unfazed), but the bike is pretty beat up and needs lots of fixing. See also: money, obstacles. A breath for protection.
- And that’s not even the obstacles of the unbelievable heat, and the fact that a racetrack is no place for a premenstrual HSP. Or any HSP for that matter. But especially a premenstrual clairaudient one with hyperacusis. Even with ear plugs in and fancy noise-destroying headspace protectors and hiding under the covers. A breath for relief, and for not overestimating what I can comfortably handle.
- There’s also the most recent mystery where my body is hungry all the time but all food is revolting. Or at best, palatable or tolerable, to the point that even my very favorite foods are just mildly okay. And no, I am not moving to Bolivia to become a cupcake-maker. Anyway. A breath for this.
- Panic attack after I didn’t follow my yes and then as a result ended up getting trapped in the very tiny back seat of a tow truck and the door wouldn’t open and I couldn’t move because my knee hurt so much. Then all of Thursday was pretty much a repeat of that except without a tow truck. A breath for undoing.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Sometimes while writing Very Personal Ads, I make extra quiet unwritten wishes, and am extra delighted when they come true. This week my secret wish was for Shmita to be a time of Quiet Enjoyment and No Input. I also know my traveling companion gets great joy from listening to podcasts, and didn’t bring this up because I wanted to sort through my thoughts first, to be sure I only made completely clean suggestions that are respectful of both his sovereignty and mine. Then he solved this on his own by using headphones to listen while I was writing. A breath for solved!
- Spent the entire first day of Operation True Yes just smiling my face off. I didn’t think I’d love the eight hour day of driving, but I was just so happy to be on the open road, with the boy smiling at me, beautiful horizons. A breath for joy.
- Miracles. The tow truck guy who picked us up when we were stranded used to race motorcycles, and gave the beautiful boy some tips for the track. We got permission to stay in the empty paddock at the racetrack when we were stranded the second time. The truck fix ended up being way less than estimated, and we found the exact right person (and dog) for the job. Solutions showed up as needed. A breath for thank you.
- It’s easier to handle [Everything Is Breaking] with someone who has a similar approach or level of reactiveness to bad news. My lover and I both go, oh huh that wasn’t expected at all, okay whats the new plan. It is a lot easier to deal with a situation (and wow were there a lot of situations this week) when we both switch gears at the same rate. A breath for a good fit.
- I got to see all my stuff this week, which meant I got to do a lot of practice (Safety First! Acknowledgment & Legitimacy! Now Is Not Then!) and deprogramming. A breath for releasing old trapped fears and stories.
- Joy. Presence. Pleasure. A breath for Shmita and this grand adventure.
- I got to visit one of my favorite places, and received some marvelous intel from the ocean. A breath for beautifully closing a circle, and opening a new one.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Traveling is easier when it isn’t dark at 4pm. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
I wrote every day, and wrote the things I wanted to write. Thank you fractal flowers. Wham Boom.
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpower of Joyful Courage.
Powers I want.
The power of I Don’t Even Consider Things That Are Not My Yes, and the power of I Glow Safety For All My Past Selves.
The Salve of Glowing Safety.
This salve sets off chain reactions of rescues and do-overs, where any version of you at any age who needed safety gets whisked off into the most beautifully designed safe rooms, to be held in love, comforted, restored.
This salve activates now-wisdom retroactively so that small scared me from then suddenly has more resources, more trust in her intuition, more of a sense of her own power.
When I wear this salve, my breath becomes steadier. I am better able to take care of myself. Water tastes better. I see the beacons that are shining just for me, and I follow them.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is called Lone Bull Bishop, their latest album is Sheets & Rattles, they play punk rock versions of Patsy Cline songs, and it’s actually just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Follow
So much love for schmita, and Friday.
Friday is much needed. A breath for releasing and easing and accepting what is possible and sticking with it. You cannot get milk from a stone.
The exact right person and dog = win!
What worked? Bringing along a book. Betting on Deliciano. Spending yahrzeit coinciding with a holiday at home.
Next time? Respect my capacity. No shame in not getting to concerts or classes given everything else expected of me.
Hard:
* Not having enough Mandarin to cope with phone calls
* I’d hoped to change my driver’s license photo, but doing so would require more time than I can reasonably spare.
* Bracing myself for shoes is tiring.
Good:
* I feel loved — and warm — every time I wrap myself in the shawl from Dawn Rae.
* Deliverable delivered.
* Happening on Alice Randall + Caroline Williams’s new cookbook at the library.
* It becoming warm enough to move many of the plants outside.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
The Hard:
– Transformation
– Illness
– The sense that my time is getting crunched (aka next week there’s no preschool and the week after I start classes!)
– Interminable weekend
– Stupid taxes and their stupid fiddly details
The Good:
– Meeting the two nicest people from Brazil and getting to speak (listen to, at least) Portuguese. Languages!
– Also spent a lot of time teaching myself Portuguese. Very fun!
– The taxes are done, and one part of them turned out to be less orneous than feared, at least.
– Transformation.
– It is *beautiful* outside right now.
Thank you for your post, i enjoy catching up with you on Fridays ????
Many happy happenings on your trip and much cheerful courage, a superpower I am adopting for myself x
Thank you Nicola! I love this superpower. Cheerful courage: may it be so!
Hello and cluck.
What worked this week: Wham Boom! Many Ops got finished, fun ones too. Trusting my yes. And the sudden appearance of omg what is this increased energy???
the suck:
-winter weather. I know we need the snowpack, but I are tired of it
-“Our lives do not adequately support us. Our systems do not support ME.” a breath for given circumstances
-all the housework. all the yard work. all the magick/altar work. all the writing and art. all the kids.
-my kids are 14 and 8. they are smart and capable girls. but if I say, please pick up your stuff, I get resistance. I ask them to empty the dishwasher, I get refusal. it is “not fair I have to pick up after ” anyone not themselves, and even after themselves. I told the youngest, so it’s okay for ME to pick up after 5 people? and she shrugged and said, it was your choice to have a family. a breath for second wave feminism.
-I have a warmer. more affectionate relationship with co-workers who don’t know my legal first name, than with my husband
-losing my temper and making the husband mad. I am not sure he is coming home this weekend. a breath for whatever the fuck this is
-wondering why every woman I know is treated betrer by her lover than I am.
-hiding from my kids. failing as a mom. I should never have moved to Bolivia, but then I wasn’t the only one on the plane, now was I? a breath for men who can step over a bleeding llama and say hey, walk it off, cry baby.
-no escape hatch, no exit strategy.
-feeling like this on Ostara. I demand my money back
the sparkle:
-a beautiful and healing night with dear friends
-movement on Ops
-submitting some writing JUSt in time!
-all my workshop ideas were accepted! a breath for moving in the right direction.
-lilies of the valley
That is the best salve. I am going to coat myself in gallons of it.
bawk! bawk! chickens!
I love a chicken that mentions a dog! woof!
boo!
-knee pain. I knew when I twisted it, it was not going to be easy-peasy. not a proxy.
-overwhelm. a bit too much going on. a breath for noticing.
-my car is falling apart from the inside out.
yay!
+for regrouping and self-care in the face of overwhelm
+my car’s 18-years of stellar service to me
+wham-boomed the Dodos and Orangutans
*/* superpowers this week: Completion!
*/* superpowers I want for next week: ISleepDeeply
I am here, chicken. <3
Hard: conversations that made it difficult (read: exceedingly difficult) to fall asleep afterward. Can we please not have these conversations at bedtime?
Good: A forgotten cache of gift cards, an invitation from the universe to treat myself well. Henna on my hair again at last, so beautiful and delightful. Loving and creative energy in all the usual places, and in a few unexpected ones as well.
What worked? Trying things. Opening more. Allowing tears.
Next time… I don’t know. More light, I think. More light, please. Light around me, light within me. I do not dim my glow for anyone — thank you for that.
A Saturday Chicken.
The Hard:
an under current of anxiety all week. maybe runoff from the feelings about the Boy and the Job and the Papa.
People not hiring me still upsets me. Which is valid but not useful because not everyone is my right person and I am not everyone’s right person. Maybe I need to set a goal to repel a certain number of people per month, in addition to my goal of people to attract. But then I worry they will say to their friends “she is too expensive and not worth it.” I need to change something about this. Advices welcome on ways to turn it around in my brain.
The Good:
Texts from the Boy. Telling the story to my best friend and having her say “that is my favorite story!”
Being a haven for my right clients. Having them leave and say “I feel so much better.” Having them call me and I can say “give that burden to me, I can help you carry it. You have enough to carry.”
Papa’s heart healing (not a metaphor.)
Bagels that I made with my hands.
The taxes arrived and I did not fall apart. A breath for resiliency.
Breathing for this stretch of time, for the insights, for the force fields, for the truest of yeses.
Breathing for the tangles.
+A breath for all the incoming magnets. I have the awesomest of shields. You can wait. I can breathe. My space is mine.
+A breath for the stupid thing with drama and goats. Ugh. Deep breath, strengthening my force field. Deep breath, grateful for my Chief of Security. Deep breath of compassion for the goats, not because of anything about their goatness but because I am compassionate and loving and that is the kind of person I choose to be regardless of drama and goatness and magnets.
+A breath for the smallness and uncertainty. These are okay. I touch my hands to their hands. What do you need? Soothing words and touch. Breathing, mostly. Solace. Yes, yes yes, may you have those things and more, may you have what you desire.
+A breath for the chasing that I do not have to do. It is okay if I do not do this. The world will not end. Breathing into the spaces where there is still exploration to be done about why the chasing, and how the chasing, and what instead.
+A breath for the thing I will not name, and a breath for my resistance to naming it, and a breath for how it seems to spiral in and out of itself, and a breath for how breath mirrors the spiral.
+A breath for the unexpected candle thing and the place that it took me. Wow, that was a strange portal. Hello, portal. I would like to explore this portal AND I would like to do that SAFELY. Breathing for the portal. Breathing for the safety. Breathing for the magic. Breathing for the ancestors. My ancestors. Breathing for me on the deepest cellular level that will always be connected to this part of my history, our history, the richness of it. Yes.
+A breath for the Pailful Chorale. Holy fucking fuck. Breathing for that. Breathing for me putting up with that. Breathing for the impossible choices I make for this body. Breathing into the wishes that feel beyond my capacity, these and all of them.
+A breath for the eye contact I’m trying to have with the Agency of Mister Newts. I see you. Can I blink? Can you blink? What is happening here? What can we know about each other now? What are we? Breathing for the questions asked and unasked.
Breathing for the donuts!
+A breath for the actual donut! YAY DONUT!!
+A breath for the Platypus Preludes and the Coda Raft with Dear Prudence. I love how these are settling. I love how I am playing with them. I love the space where I am holding them. YES.
+A breath for the ongoing adventure of Bibliophilia. YES. YES YES and more YES. A breath for all the places it’s taking me inside and out. A breath for who I am when I’m on this adventure. A breath for all the past and future mes who come together in me when this piece of me is treated with great honor. THE GREATEST. OF HONORING!
+A breath for the Triple C Scroll. A breath for taking my own sweet time and letting it be my tiny sweet thing before sharing it. A breath for sharing it. A breath for the me who forgot the exclamation points. A breath for the me who LOVES EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! A breath for the possibility that this is a clue. A breath for the possibility that this just is what it is, and that I was just tired at the time. A breath for all possibilities, sparkly and miraculous and OH so much possibility, so much is POSSIBLE.
+A breath for the delicious foods I have made this week! A breath for the cannellini-chickpea-kale soup! A breath for the vegan “goat” cheese with walnut pesto! A breath for lavender chocolate chip cookies! A breath for noodly sparklepoint soup magic! Mmmmmmmm FOOD.
+A breath for Vestibule Festival. Vestibule Festival!!!!! YAY!
+A breath for being awesome at Team AXS. A breath for Agent Jardin for being awesome at it with me. A breath for Agents Jardin, Glass Bell, and Powerduck for knowing I would be awesome at this. A breath for that whole adventure of wanting to say yes so much and being scared to say yes and finally being READY to say yes and then saying yes and now it’s SO YES because I waited till it was TIME. YES. BREATH. YES.
+A breath for the me who [LALALALALA]. OH MY GOD. THIS ME. I LOVE THIS ME. I WANT TO ALWAYS BE THIS ME AND I WANT THIS ME TO ALWAYS GO AROUND AWESOMING. I want this me at the front of the V. I want to be surrounded by people who RECOGNIZE this me and who LOVE this me being THE ME.
I am invoking the awesomest and badassest of Force Fields for the Millicent Goat Show and all its associated ephemera. Actually this Force Field is FOR ME, and it is FROM the Millicent Goat Show but mostly it is just to keep that and all the other Millicents and all the other Goats and all the other Shows THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME because they are Goat Shit and definitely definitely not my shit, and even if some of it is my shit, I am NOT required to deal with it just because some Millicent Goat Show crew members have decided that I am. SO THERE. FORCE FIELD. Practicing this HARD.
I am powering up my Silent Retreat Purple Powers. SOUND EFFECTS OF POWERS POWERING UP. I am WELCOME to use these powers. It is GREAT when I use them. Everything is better when I use them to the MAX.
And my fake band of the week is…Phthalate Ghost!