It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Saying yes to my yes.
It sounds so easy, and — when I actually do it — often it is.
Getting there though…
Next time I might…
Notice rules about self-imposed rules, limits and restrictions.
I got a no to the place where my traveling companion wanted to stop for lunch, so I shared my no, as well as intel about what would be a yes for me, and this worked out so beautifully for both of us.
My internal scientists scribbled lots of notes about this to calm my monsters who think that the world will end if I want what I want, or worse: admit to wanting what I want.
You might think the next step would be more Yes to my Yes and No to My No.
Hahaha. Not at all. Of course I then proceeded to squash my next two moments of no, even though the whole point of Operation True Yes is to be true to my true yes.
I did this in part because I was afraid of other people thinking I’m a PLB (Pissy Little Bitch), and in part because I didn’t want to be perceived as greedy, and in part because apparently I have an internal rule about Only One Yes For You, Young Lady.
So that was interesting and useful, and I now declare this rule to be very out of date. This rule has expired!
Whoosh! Goodbye, all expired rules. I release you.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The boy’s climbing schedule means waking up much earlier than I like. A breath for this.
- Feeling (emotionally) dizzy and disoriented. A breath of steady peacefulness.
- My complicated relationship with dance is complicated. A breath for me.
- My learning curve gets higher while my saturation point for taking in new information gets ever lower. I was so excited for my first weekend of dance workshops since September, but I could only get through about 45 minutes of class before my brain would shut down and I’d need to go nap the rest of the day. A breath for this is the new reality right now.
- Mosquito bites everywhere! Giant red welts all over my arms. Everything itches. This is clearly not unrelated to the situation in my life which is also very itchy. A breath for easing.
- The situation in the building where the Playground lived has gone from bad to worse, it is beyond infuriating. We are losing so much money on this, and that’s not even the most frustrating part, it’s the stalling and gaslighting and not being taken seriously, and everything about this sets off my stuff so much. I don’t know what to do about this, I don’t know what to ask for help, all the people who are supposed to be allies and advocates have all checked out completely. I can’t even remember the last time I was this upset about something. A breath for the pain of this, and for Assertive Me, where is she, I want to meet her again.
- Trying to arrange a couch to sleep on this weekend and having zero success in that venture brought up a lot of memories from Operation Resilience (six months of homelessness), and I had a lot of trouble understanding that Now Is Not Then. A breath for undoing.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- My knee! It is still on and off, but this week it let me do things! Three days and three nights of dancing! A two hour hike in the red hills! A breath for the wonderful spaciousness of not being in pain!
- Ohmygod it felt so good to be back dancing again. For an entire weekend and then again last night. I was able to do so much more with my body than I expected, and felt stable and grounded even when making mistakes. I had the superpower of Really Good Saves, and someone said, “You have the best eye contact of anyone I’ve ever danced with, it’s kind of amazing!”. I had fun, playful, inventive dances with creative partners who appreciated how I dance. And I took a fantastic jazz class. A breath for my excitement coming back.
- Smiling at the beautiful boy. And this intensity of FEELING, like how he squeezes my hand when I’m half asleep in the car, and there is this sweetness to it that goes so deep, and then this full-body thrill that goes along with that. Then he kisses my hand and I can’t stop smiling. A breath for not being able to stop smiling.
- Being in beautiful places. A breath for the way that beauty can be a healing.
- Many wild and mysterious things happened this week, for example the time two hundred horses lined up in a circle and surrounded our little enclosure at Jailhouse Rock and stared at us in some weird and intense horse ritual. Big wild full moon energy. Have you read Dominic by William Steig? You should. It’s one of my favorite books of all times. You know all the mad and mystical moonlit scenes? When he awakens Phineas (the somnambulist goat), or is so moved by the mice dancing after their picnic that he has to howl out his feelings, or when he stumbles onto this odd little hidden ritual where a woodchuck, a beaver, a raccoon and a porcupine are all bowing to each other? This week was kind of like that. A breath for the beautiful mysteries of life.
- I love being on Shmita. This is the smartest thing I have ever done. A breath for this grand adventure.
- Jane said, “I admire your willingness to be brave and take chances.” A breath for my desire to be able to see this in me too.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Catching up with old friends. Making new ones. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
I wrote about a thing that happened ten years ago, something I have tried to write about so many times and not been able to. Thank you fractal flowers, thank you Shmita, thank you Switch/Swoop. Wham Boom.
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the good witchy superpowers this week, including lots of moments of knowing something before it was. Generally I find everything related to [clairaudient] to be intensely distressing, and I’ve spent years learning how to keep my radio from picking up on signals other than the station of right here right now, which is the only one I want to listen to.
This week I had many tastes of how delicious it is, or can be, to be a high-end radio.
The boy made me a smoothie, which he doesn’t usually do. I walked towards it and thought, por moi?
This is funny because 1) I don’t speak French, and 2) I don’t speak at all. And yet it kept repeating, so I was going to reach for my notebook to write this, and he came up behind me and said in my ear, por toi!
That’s how this whole week went. That, and the superpower of Looking In The Right Direction.
Oh, and I asked for the superpower of Taking Time Off From Something Actually Makes Me Way Better At It, and this happened not only with dance, but also with spirals and with [secret whatsit] and with some other things. Sweet!
Powers I want.
The superpower of All Roads Lead To Yes.
The Salve of Ready For Yes (because, ta da, All Roads Lead To Yes).
This salve delivers an exceptional steady, calm feeling of “okay, let’s do this”, which works retroactively as well, healing patterns beneath the surface.
Suddenly I am ready to recognize my yes, stand up for it, follow it, trust it, even fight for it.
And as I feel this readiness coursing through my veins, something changes in my past, with all the times in my life when I said no to a yes, or yes to a no. The readiness for my yes now — somehow it softens my history and pulses life force through these past moments as well.
As this happens, all the potential power from those moments goes kinetic, and I get all the energy of True Yes and True No.
All the false moments of yes or or no reveal themselves to have been agents in leading me towards my true Yes now.
Everything I have experienced in my life is now a road, a path, leading me towards my Yes, and instilling in me the deep, powerful knowing that of course I get to say yes to my yes, and of course I say no to whatever is no.
My life is a map of True Yes. That’s what happens when I wear this salve. It is spicy and tingly and has a kick of cinnamon, followed by a serene dose of fennel and chamomile.
I am ready for yes.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is called Pleasure Cupcakes. Their latest album is Vaguely Disinterested, they are a metal band that only does covers of Roy Orbison songs, and it’s actually just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Follow
I’m in a Ritual Death period, mourning all the (failed) relationships I’ve been letting go of. And this week… I have a new friend who is kind and learns things from me and… patterns are being rewritten. I’m changing.
Looking for my own Yeses, and finding some of them. Respecting my No’s, and leaving them behind. It’s all good.
If my couch is ever in the right place at the right time, you are completely welcome to use it. You know that, yes?
This week’s hard: Someone I love very much sometimes says and does things that are just so incredibly upsetting, and Wednesday was one of those times.
This week’s good: Such wonderful, wonderful encounters with clients and colleagues. Also, my daughter trusts me. My teenage daughter trusts me. What an amazing and beautiful gift this is. I am forever grateful. Also, songwriting! I keep catching these exquisite little fragments, like bits of stained glass mosaic. More, please, along with time and space to arrange them and light to illuminate the whole, please, please and thank you.
I now invoke the superpower of Radiant Release! <3
Good Friday:
I am safely and sanely through my first week of school. -whew-
The Hard:
– Coming into the first week of school with “nothing” (external) done due to months of sickness.
– Lord do I hate April Fools. All day I don’t get to know if people are lying. Goodie.
– Not getting to see enough of my kid. Especially the night I had to leave after only ten minutes with her and she was in such a good mood and I wanted to just stare at her sweet face forever but I had to walk out the door instead.
– It always hurts that my ex-best-friend-and-lover is suing us and that we don’t speak and that he’s back with [dangerous person]. Sometimes it hurts more. For no particular reason it hurt a lot this week.
– Several days of incredibly cranky child times, as she adjusted to her Grandma going home and me being gone a lot.
– Lovely husband is in a hard process and I can’t fix it. It’ll be fine, but boy to I wish I could take away his pain for him.
– I got a very strong, very clear message that makes zero sense to me and is literally not followable in my life right now. Mysterious.
– Having some ideas slain that I’d been attached to.
– Linguistics or anthropology? Anthropology or linguistics? And complicated questions of grad school logistics.
The Good:
– My yard is certified backyard habitat! Not just silver, but gold and almost to platinum.
– School is so much fun! I love my classes and being out in the world and using my brain and all of it. It is also so much easier than last time, because I have significantly less stuff involved in it all.
– Bittersweet (but mostly sweet) finally meeting of my memoir writing class. We hung out talking and drinking until very late in the night.
– New perspectives. Questioning my thoughts and finding them wanting, in the most energizing and exciting way. (I may or may not have bounded out of class and texted my husband PROF JUST RIPPED APART ALL MY THINKING AND I CAN’T STOP GRINNING!)
– My daughter named her toy astronauts Shay and Paz after her two best school friends. She has friends!
– I got an experience that was exactly what I wanted and had been asking for in the deepest and most satisfying way.
– Getting to be a supportive member of a community. Adding something for real to an experience.
– I accidentally ended up participating in a celebration of this whole Easter myth, which has never been remotely interesting to me, and I found so much beauty there.
– It took me three days, but I can now get to all my classes, lunch spot, library, bus stops, professors’ offices, etc. without a map or getting lost.
– 13 credits is the perfect amount of work to fit in around the rest of my life.
<3 for all your weeks.
To Dancing. And Smiling. And Releasing. And now being Now.
To the anxiety and frustration that surrounds the legalities of it all.
As always, thank you for sharing. For lifting us up with your strength and vulnerability.
And for providing me a forum to have a voice.
The Northern good-bye trip went, well, it went. I am thankful to have gone. To have said my good-byes, in spite of the frustration that I never actually said ‘good-bye’. To have been given more clarity on some of my own issues, and to have been given more peace where no clarity lies.
All treatment and life support has been removed. Palliative care is now the focus. A breath for his sole/soul job being to pass on. A breath for that passing being peaceful and painless.
My Darling Detective has a saying, culled after many years investigating the deaths, and lives, of those passed: you die how you live. (quickly, slowly, lovingly, avoidantly, violently, peacefully… and any other adjectives one can create). And so far, it has been so. A curmudgeonly, little Frenchman in life… so too in death. And a smile for that.
Also, I am not the black sheep. Amidst many shoes being thrown – and my subsequent huffing and venting and tear-shedding in the car – I realized (for the 93rd time (that day)) that we are all just trying to make our own way in this world, using whatever tools we have at the time, at whatever pace we can muster, in whatever manner suits us best. And while I may rage that their tools are rudimentary, their pacing slow, and their manner crude… it matters not. And I release it all back to them and back to me and back into the ether to sort itself out, or not.
I am thankful that my sound advice aimed at protecting the safety of all involved was not followed. Because, sometimes, growth is more important than safety. So, I am thankful that others listen to their True Yes, thus ignoring and ultimately vitiating my learned fears.
Facing the death of another forces me head-on with my own mortality and end-of-life fears. But, this confrontation has spurned much-needed discussions about end-of-life fears (and goals, and desires) that have brought clarity, comfort, and security having merely been voiced.
Calling in whatever Superpowers I will need this week to be available and at the ready.
…
And, of course, by ‘adjectives’ I mean, ‘adverbs’ – as one does.
<3
Hard:
Arm strength what arm strength?
Core strength what core strength?
Hopscotching among land mines.
So dadgum tired I can’t deal with the splinter in my foot.
The many things to do and the hoop-blocking monstahs to negotiate past to get to Project Thirty Feet.
Good:
Being in demand both socially and professionally.
Lovely walk among spring flowers in Centennial Park with my hiking partner, and the thunderstorms held off.
Tulips in bloom in my own yard.
A friend telling me about the mallows she’s growing from seeds I gave her.
43-minute swim. Splitting lanes with the right guy.
A potential birthday surprise just became $120 more manageable. *rubs hands*
That satisfaction of being experienced and talented enough at what I do to catch mistakes/omissions that got past dozens of other readers and experts.
Warm wishes to all y’all. Chag Pesach sameach.
I almost delayed chicken until Saturday, thinking the surely by Saturday that would be more good. But we chicken with the Friday we have not the Friday we wish we had.
The hard
No word from the boy
Anxiety over work
Papa’s brain weird
The good
Not waiting for a word
Studying for work which dispels anxiety
Loving papa no matter what
Someone to say I am pretty and lovely and beautiful so that I believe it
Being with the right people
Hope
The good
– depression lifted all in one big whoomph and I spent a lot of the week in love with the entire world
– singing singing lots of wonderful singing
– itchy feet
The hard
– ill again, and I don’t know why or what with. I don’t feel ill, just lacking in energy. Feeling so frustrated. I just want to be well and do things, damn it! And I thought it would be over along with the winter.
Happy chicken everybody!
We’re living parallel chickens this week! Depression suddenly lifted here, too, and I was feeling love all over the place. Tons of smiling and laughing. And now I’m in bed with sinus stuff and a headache. Totally drained. Not sure what, if anything else, it will turn into, but hmmpfh! So it goes.
Here are some pretty painted pebbles for admiring, stacking, or skipping into lakes… 0 0 0 0 0
I learned something in therapy that has changed a lot of my thinking and I need to journal about it but I am not doing it. Something about that probably means something.
Breaths and pebbles for all the good and hard of the week.
Extra breaths for item #6. <3
For me, this was the week of Lots.
– Lots of socializing
– Lots of work
– Lots of food
– Lots of feeling drained
– Lots of feeling rushed
– Lots of laughing and smiling
– Lots of feeling happier
But what it mostly means for me is that I am living more again, and this is the best part.
When I finally acknowledged my Permission To Self-Discover, it was after many months of wanting to spend most of my time hiding. The more I focused on me, and was patient with me, and was loving toward me, and took steps toward my best interests, the more I started to feel like ME again. This was a miracle!
So I started working again, in a new line of work — with kiddos — and it makes me so happy!
I made plans with girlfriends two nights in a row and they both made me dinner! We had the best chats. One served me my favorite ice cream afterwards, and the other shared an amazing brownie with me. Hugs were shared, too. Talk about feeling loved.
I'm loving being married again – a wonderful byproduct of being super self-caring and honoring my Permission To Self-Discover. I feel like I'm falling in love with my husband all over again. I like this a lot.
Things I want to pay more attention so that they have a chance to become easier:
– Getting more sleep
Pretty much this is it. I just haven't been feeling rested, so I choose the super power this week of Knowing When to Close My Eyes and Keep Them That Way.
This issue is related heavily to my Permission To Self-Discover, though, so I'd especially like to discover how I can feel relaxed, comfortable, and safe with my eyes closed without having to be about to pass out from tiredness. No wonder I'm not rested.
So, I also invoke the superpower of Seeing Black Heals Me.
Hmmm. I just tried it out, and it feels better already.
Heavy eye lids = time to heal. #icandothis
so late! but cluck!!
what worked this week: early bedtime and my body gets the deciding vote.
sucks:
-green eyes
-crossing the Rubicon. anxiety etc
-stasis
-so much things! so lil movement
-foggy head weather at times
-i could go on in this vein
-such little joy between the husband and i. we went away this weekend, something i’ve longed to do for so log, and it was nice, but he is in so mch pain, and things are so negative so often, it was not the romantic getaway, or even a silly giggle fest, he seemed at times to merely tolerating it and me. a breath for this, all this
-the early evening pit-wallow. this is probably the most ineffective, dysfunctional patterns in my day.
-not making better use of the kids’ absence.
the sparkles! so many!
-first a shout out to the lovely weather, with continued lil snowy-rainy days. we need a wet spring. and so far it is sooo beautiful and the land feels pretty ehalthy
-getting my plants at the nrsery that dont poison bees.
-the high energy right after OStara has mellowed a bit, or i have integrated it better. i have access to more energy, and i have been whamboomed a bucnh of stuff at work and home
-strokes and props
-my garden
-finally going to the Hot Tub Cabins in morrison, i have wanted to go since my first trip there (97?), and i finally managed it. it was expensive, but the soaking in the tub looking at moon, was hard to beat
-plus delicious exensive meals in Morrison. it is a sendy little cute town
-going to bear creek this morning. felt good. reminded me i can have as much fun, live a good life, feel loved and valued, as i choose.
-more training opening up, but feeling stronger in Foundation and Temple. not alwasy, but i recognize that i have hit places of calm stabilty, i dont feel liek anything is happening, but the win is feeling like calm even when shit is moving.
-the joy of deep extended well-tending. i feel so filled up.
I claim the SuperPower of Always finding the good, the fun and the useful, and i take exquisite care of myself.
What worked this week:
Working hard actually brought results. Not giving up. Following my rule of “better do something than nothing.”
Next time I might:
Sleep more. Not only the last week before Passover (on which it was kind of impossible anyway), but always. My body is begging for sleep.
The Hard:
1. Still sick + toe pain and no idea why. Not entirely understanding the message the universe is sending to me. Or maybe not at all.
2. Feeling (see number 1) that there’s something I missing, and not knowing what.
3. Doctors. Just… ugh.
4. Wanting something I can’t explain in words and never getting it. And maybe never will.
The Good:
1. Getting an OK, GO ON for this animation sample we’ve been working on SO hard. Finally.
2. Seeing my lovely niece (4). I’m always afraid that she’ll forget me or stop loving me if I don’t come for a while. But she was so happy and said she loved me without me asking or anything, and cried when I left. <3
3. Family meetings went by just fine! 🙂
4. Started Italian on Duolingo. Best idea ever. Io sono una rigazza, etc.
5. Met two old friends (separately) and got more clearness on [lifeissues]. And had fun too.
6. Going on a 5-day-festival tomorrow. Monsters are screaming that THERE'S SO MUCH TO DO AND I CAN'T GO but I'm going anyway. If I don't fall apart, that is (sick etc).
Mmmm, this Salve of Ready For Yes (because TAAA DAAAAA!!!! All Roads Lead To Yes) is SO TOTALLY MY YES. Thank you for this! Spicy tingly cinnamon… then fennel…then chamomile… and mmmmmm a hint of lavender at the end, OHHHH so much yes. I Am So Ready.