It is a day and we are here.
A lot has been going on for me, so this is the latest chicken in three hundred and fifty eight weeks of chicken, and my internal scientists need to remind my monsters about all the evidence they are collecting in favor of All Timing Is Right Timing.
So I’m taking a few breaths to fill up on the superpower of There Is Actually No Such Thing As A Late Chicken Because Whenever It Shows Up Is Right On Time.
{a breath for this space, and for being here when we get here.}
What worked this week?
Eight breaths.
When I remember to do this, everything is better.
Also the phrase “I trust my good intentions”, which is generally my mantra in situations where I fear misunderstandings. This served me well.
Next time I might…
Remember that if it’s not a yes, it’s a no.
This concept was the theme of the week.
It’s something I was pretty sure I already lived by, and often say to other people, and a bunch of people had to say it to me this week.
And it has become clear that I actually live by “If it’s not a loud no, then okay, fine”, which is not the same thing.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- This week was just really, really hard for me in so many different ways. A breath for release: we’re here, we made it, we’re done. And a dozen roses for me and for all the other actors in this play of being alive.
- Most of this week was spent dealing with Mystery Physical Ailment and pain management, as well as the fear that the rest of my life is going to be about this. A breath for peaceful presence, and for trust that whatever is going on, I am safe and loved.
- Procedures, tests and pre-emptive anxiety. And people in my life being in their stuff related to this, and taking it out on me. A breath for rewriting old patterns and remembering that things are different now.
- Waiting for test results. A breath for this.
- Not remembering how to want to go to sleep, due to all of the above, and staying up until four in the morning. A breath for meeting myself with love.
- Missing my lover. A breath for presence.
- Both being ill and the process of recovery mean that all the body’s energy goes to that, so you can’t really add anything on top of that or it’s massive fatigue. A breath for rest, and for trusting my wise body to do what it needs to do.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I am so fortunate to have generous, sweet, loving people in my life. Richard took me to all my appointments so I didn’t have to be alone. Kyle gave me middle-of-the-night medical counseling when I was panicking. Marisa took me out to lunch and distracted me with stories. Danielle and Briana and Agent Annabelle texted me reassuring things. A breath of deep gratitude.
- I had remarkable good fortune with medical professionals this week everywhere I went. A receptionist who was willing to fight red tape for me and combine two appointments at once even though that was against the rules. A warm, friendly nurse, a helpful pharmacist, a wonderfully calm and patient technician, and two different doctors who were good listeners. One of them said he wished all of his patients were like me. A breath for what a big deal this is.
- Two wildly transformative healing sessions with Dr. Cornelius, who in addition to being a dear friend and a Rally buddy, is also a wise and deeply gifted healer. After seeing her the first time, I got to experience EIGHTEEN HOURS without pain, which was incredible, and the techniques she gave me are helping me so much with both the physical and emotional sides of this experience. If you are in Portland or plan to visit Portland, and you have (or have had) female body parts, go to see her. Even if nothing is wrong with said body parts or any body parts. Just go see her. A breath for miracles.
- It felt good to be at home, to take baths and walk in the rose garden and wash my hair and use lots of counter space, and all the things that are the opposite of living in a camper, even though I love living in a camper. A breath for contrasts, and for the magic of bath time.
- Not doing much of anything is not a bad thing. A breath for learning more and more about rest and releasing and Shmita.
- I gave myself blanket forgiveness/permission for being too worked up to sleep, and it worked like a charm. The resistance disappeared, along with the monsters, and the frightened animal that is my body was able to soften into a deep tranquility.
- Back in my lover’s arms Friday night. We are in Salt Lake City now. A breath for these big smiles.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. I made some DIY hair treatments that are better than anything I’ve ever bought from a store/salon. And sugar-free dairy-free ice cream that was the perfect comfort. The Plastic Free book by Beth Terry is terrific and inspiring. I have time, I have resources, I’m going to figure this out. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong, even when I think it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
I was brave this week and set up appointments and went to them and breathed and asked for help on Twitter and shared my thoughts and feelings, and I am going to call that a successful mission and award myself a billion sparklepoints. Wham Boom.
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpower of Naming All The Superpowers I Could Think Of, which was surprisingly helpful.
Among these superpowers I asked for were I Find Calming Things All Around Me, as well as Piscean Superpowers and Play Is Everywhere. And while I was having an uncomfortable ultrasound, I looked up to see a mobile above me.
I had not realized how calming mobiles are. Not even sure why we only use them for infants. Mobiles. It had fish and a seahorse, and it made everything better.
Powers I want.
I want the superpower of I Trust Myself And My Body Completely, and the superpower of Surprisingly Well Rested and the superpower of Things Can Change For The Better Faster Than I Think, and the related superpower of Releasing Assumptions.
The Salve of Things Can Change For The Better Faster Than I Think
This salve somehow manages to be both cooling and warming at the same time, I’m not even sure how.
As it seeps into my skin, I feel a deep, steady, luscious sense of calm. There is a slight spring breeze, as if all the doors of Things That Are Possible And Good And I Forgot To Consider That These Might Be Options have opened themselves.
The body lives in right now, which is great for some things, and not great for remembering that actually, things are not always going to be like this. This salve takes care of that: it restores trust, peacefulness, hope, and the willingness to see solutions that weren’t there before.
It smells delicious, and brings sweet surprises in all aspects of your life.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes to us by way of autocorrect, who does not believe that cooking is something I do, even though it is. The band is called Coping and Cleaning. Their latest album is called Uh Oh. They are a hick hop band (it’s a thing), and actually it’s just one guy.
And my upcoming Biopic…
On My Face. The Havi Brooks Story.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. You are welcome to take a breath, share something from your week, leave warmth or hearts, whatever works for you. My format doesn’t have to be yours. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Follow
Clucking in…
What worked? Going home. Staying home. Going out. Asking questions. Laughing at myself.
What next? More sleep. Less rushing. More tea. More leaves.
Hard, frustrating…
* So much What and Where TF
* So much ibuprofen
* Why the wiltedness?
* Gunk
Good, reassuring…
* Drinks with my sweetie
* Enough rain to feed the seedlings, enough sunshine for the solar lamp to shine at nightfall
* In my pajamas all day
* Water and ice abundantly available
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Hello, Chicken!
Hard:
1. A quiz and a final and a sudden rush of homework assignments that had to be typed up in advance. All of which was stressful.
2. The what the heck do I do with my life mobsters were incredibly loud for a few days this week. (Okay, so I tried to type “monsters” but autocorrect’s version is better.)
3. Feeling sick. When am I not? I mean, it was maybe 3 out of 7 days but it’s not like it’s ever 0 out of 7 days.
4. I got into a deep process and as always this brings up stuff.
The Good:
1. I had two really beautiful rituals. Singing and ritual and nature are all very good for me. Amazingly so, actually.
2. I figured out a big layer of the what do I do with my life monsters out. They were posing all these reasonable sounding but contradictory plans all of which had a root in fear. So I still don’t know what to do but it’s nice to call a spade a spade and see fearplans as fearplans. And then I got some clues.
3. My kid continues to express more and more interesting concepts. I’m amazed by her sweetness, insight, and general shining selfless.
4. I biked so much this week! I’m getting a lot faster.
5. Had a very important, if slightly difficult, conversation. Survived. Got a lot of clarity.
6. I spontaneously ran into someone I adore and want to get to know better and we chatted for, like, 40 minutes and then she asked for my phone number! Yay potential friends!
7. So for about the past year, when it’s time for the kid to go to bed, this means reading books and getting on pajamas and whatnot and then sitting in the dark for an hour or longer praying she’ll sleep. I mostly do not do it anymore (the sweet man does) because it makes me feel like I’m going to explode. But for the last few nights I’ve been putting her to bed and then just walking outside to sit in the hall, after which she is almost immediately quiet. Who knows if it’ll keep up, but I like the direction this is going.
The hard:
1. Not sleeping/eating well because of SO MUCH TO DO FOR SCHOOL.
2. A moment of feeling totally alone when we got an assignment to do in pairs/groups and in a millisecond everyone was arranging those pairs/groups and noone asked me if I wanted to work with them.
The good:
1. Knowing that even though I’m doing it for too many hours sometimes, I’m doing something that I enjoy, and learning so much, and challenging myself.
2. Just remembered the Superpower of If That’s What I Feel, It’s OK To Feel It.
3. Dancing in my room. Forgetting everything and remembering everything.
4. That assignment – I actually turned out in a group that will be probably interesting and surprising to work in. With two friends that I love spending time with.
5. Listening to my intuitions and.. They Were Right. As always. Which led to doing well in my assignments even though I worked at the super-last moment and the week was crazy in general.
6. My niece asked my brother why I don’t come to visit. Which is a bit sad because I really want to but am full of schoolwork, but also exciting because it means she wants to see me and she’s probably my favorite person in the world. <3
Ooh, love the salve, don’t mind if I help myself to some…
The hard:
– Cold and a sore throat in the summer, what? That’s a clear sign my body is done putting up with me and needs rest.
– Ants, ants everywhere! And I can’t seem to find where they’re getting in, must get my partner with much better eyesight to locate the portal where they spawn.
– I’m such a newbie with a razor that I cut both of my legs in multiple places while shaving in a hurry. It looked pretty messy, and I look like I’ve been walking through a jungle.
– Everything takes more time than I anticipated. The money that was supposed to arrive this week still hasn’t, and I’m running on fumes. I’m pretty tired of living like this.
– D’s parents who keep walking into our garden and do things that are our responsibility, but we can’t be arsed because we have other more important things to do than gardening. And what are any of them doing in my yard after midnight?!
I need boundaries, and D is not standing up for us because he doesn’t care, and it’s not my house so I don’t know what is appropriate for me to ask for.
The good:
+ Taking almost a real day off on Thursday. Ok I did work some just for a bit, but then I went to meet M and it was fun.
+ Beach time yesterday, first time this year! The sea is freezing cold, but it was a welcome refreshment.
+ Banana ice cream! I realized I have all the ingredients at home and it was so creamy and fantastic. May have overdone it on the cocoa front because it was a bit too bitter maybe, I’ll test with different amounts.
+ Stopped and listened to myself and gave myself what I needed, even though it was the opposite of what everyone does.
+ Lazily enjoying reading in my yard in the shade of a cedar tree and it’s wonderful.
There is never a wrong time to chicken.
What Worked:
Doing a shorter hike. So much nicer being done while feeling good.
Not care-taking my friend, as I used to always do. She even said “wow, this is different, you keep telling me ‘no.'” It was nice.
The Hard:
Misunderstandings and distance and then realizing that the misunderstanding was there because the person wanted a way out. And would have found one no matter what.
The Good:
Finding my voice and using it.
Content Sunday clucks.
Hard:
– Exzema on my right hand will just not go away.
– Moments of battling with “Am I allowed to to all this good to myself without feeling guilty?”
Other than that so much good:
– An amazingly relaxed week at work which put everyone in a good mood.
– Getting up at 6 on beautiful warm mornings, yoga every day just aftere 6 and having a coffee in the morning sun out of my favourite mug.
– Very positive effects off having been practicing hormone yoga for a month now.
– Girls’ weekend in a place of our past, refreshing memories, chatting, laughing.
– Apple/celeriac/rhubarb juice in an amazing organic café.
– Ultra delicious dinner in superb restaurant.
– A weekend that feels like I have been on holiday for a week.
– A very content breath for old friendships
The hard:
-Being sick.
-Being sick, but feeling guilty for not Doing Things, and wondering if I’m using being sick as an excuse.
-Eating crap, even knowing it won’t fix anything, just make things worse.
-My Stuff coming up, anger and fear and hurt and more fear.
-Conversations about the above that don’t make the stuff go away, just leave a dull sense of fear and not-rightness.
-Someone’s in the hospital.
The good:
-Fun times with friends, including an awesome acapella concert in a gorgeous cathedral, right on the steps of the stage.
-A great birthday–time with Mom, pear crostinis, exploring Snohomish, getting to publicly say me and the Consort are committed.
-Sweet memories of the whole three-day birthday weekend.
-Satisfying moments at work, like knowing my boss values me enough to want me to apply for full-time, or the customer who brought us hot-out-of-the-oven cookies in appreciation.
-Reading Mists of Avalon for hours and hours while sick. It’s a tragedy ala Hamlet or Oedipus Rex, but SO GOOD.
-How good I feel when I eat lots of greens, sparkling ACV and earth milk.
Tiptoe-ing in quietly to leave hearts strewn about randomly for anyone who’d like one <3
<3
Goodbye, week! You contained plenty of sweetness, and a bit of discomfort here and there, and all in all, I have appreciated you.
I am lighting a candle in my heart, and I am invoking the superpower of Fresh Beginnings. Breathing possibility, and sending love…
“If it’s not a loud no, then okay, fine” is…basically how my day went, and ugh, ugh, just ugh. I’m working on honoring how I feel about it while also reminding myself that just because I feel rotten now doesn’t mean everything will be horrible forever.
Such a week! so glad to be here!
what worked this week: letting things go, becuase i cannot take any more. Spirals, yoga and pushups.
sucks:
-it was an intense week and my mentl health day got eaten up caring for others
-the i got sick for real on wednesday and STILL had to take kids to school, pick them up, and ordeer dninner
-continued lack of progress on Ops. sigh
-state of the house
-mass culture, double ugh
-because i have no accrued sick time, ext paycheck is going to be more than 12 hours short. suck
the good:
-beautiful weather
-kids off to miami, much needed break
-naps, oh joy
-gardening, going to he farmers market
-spirals, yoga, praxis
Cluck cluck chicken.
The hard:
– is this existential crisis not over yet? I feel rather as if I’m in a Susan Howatch novel. I mean, yay for sorting my head out and all, but I’m just a bit knackered now, and I’d just like to sit in the sun and not think of anything much at all.
– all sorts of eras ending, and all sorts of stuff around that. Numbers are an illusion, but they seem to be catching all sorts of symbolic stuff at the moment.
– the absolutely positively last Guildford piss-up, for example, and I should have dealt with that and moved on a year ago (say the monsters)
– perceived mass emigration to Bolivia, for everyone except meeeeee. Perception of being left behind. Also not really ready to think about whether or when I actually want to go to Bolivia.
– feeling tired and as if I need a break from everything. Not really wanting to write.
– wanting to be on a Grand Adventure now. Now!
– the second pint was a mistake. Not a huge one, but urgh, waking up at half past five when I’d got in at half past midnight and then having to process all the Last Time stuff before I could go back to bed again was not ideal for a Saturday morning.
The good:
– thank you Havi for the wonderful spaces you create, where there is room to spread out and explore oneself with space and ease
– I have a Grand Adventure planned! (And because it’s planned I’m already on it, no?)
– slow work beginning to pick up again. And possible things going *ping* around the concept of work
– I am moderating the loveliest, most supportive, online writing community for this month, and getting the email notifications makes me happy.
– Visibility Charm earrings work, well, like a charm, and they do it not by outing me but by making it turn out that people already know.
– yay beer! I like beer. When Tony finishes his year off the booze, I shall move on to Not Drinking Very Much Alcohol, the same way that I Don’t Eat Very Much Meat. I’ve had enough of Always and Nevers.
– middle brother and his girlfriend stopped by