It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday, for this space, and for being here when we get here.}
What worked this week?
The Katy Perry School of Packing.
I have obscene amounts of packing-related anxiety, and so many related monsters it’s like a monster family reunion, or possibly a very crowded monster wedding.
The bride’s side is all about Why Can’t You Just Do It Already It Will Take Five Minutes, and the groom’s side is You Will Never Be Ready In Time And You Won’t Have What You Need And This Is A Disaster. And then I just hide in bed and read everything on the internet until it is almost too late.
This time I invented a game called I studied at the Katy Perry School of Packing:
What Would Katy Perry Do? And how much can I pack in an hour while listening to Katy Perry and invoking her superpowers?
Among the principles of the Katy Perry School of Packing:
- The speedier the packing, the more time you have for a calming bubble bath so you arrive non-frazzled at the airport.
- No matter how bizarre and unlikely your haphazardly selected clothing choices might be, people will assume they’re intentional, so just pack whatever. YOU ARE A FASHION ICON and a GIANT WEIRDO, and these things can go together.
- Unless you have some sexy skinny-muscular back-up dancer boys in black pants and white undershirts and possibly suspenders accompanying you to carry your bags, remove some items and then keep removing more items until you are sure your shoulders won’t hurt from carrying them. You need your shoulders to dance, girl.
Next time I might…
Remember that rest is kind of like a full time job.
I tried to hurry recovery, and that backfired, surprise!
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Releasing is hard, you guys. And so much is changing. Some of it is good, some of it is hard, all of it is shaking things up. And all this shedding. It is rough. A breath for presence, trust, ease, finding comfort, breathing into the adventure.
- I am exhausted. Beyond exhausted. There is big healing happening in my body, and it is work, and it is challenging. I can do one thing (laundry? a shower? groceries?) and then I’m done for that day. I miss being outdoors. I miss moving my body. I miss having the desire to do anything other than crash. Also, remember when I thought sabbatical time would mean wild self-expression and creative flourishing? It’s really mostly breakdowns, crises, laundry. And I don’t even have energy for that. I’ve dealt with worse in the past, both in terms of chronic pain and chronic fatigue, but of course there is also lots of monstering about What If Now Turns Out To Be Just Like Then. Another breath for rest, and for remembering truth: now is not then.
- I said okay fine to something when I knew my real answer was ABSOLUTELY NOT — UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES. And then — surprise! — I was miserably unhappy. And, of course, like with all people-pleasing attempts, no one ended up happy. I felt resentful towards the person who had not understood the urgency of my situation and suggested the thing that was a No, and I felt upset with myself for the Reluctant Yes, and furious that not only had I chosen Noble Suffering but it of course had turned out to be Wildly Unnecessary. And I felt frustrated when the thing I thought would be blessedly over in fifteen minutes turned into nearly ninety minutes. How about we learn the lesson this time, my love. A breath for honoring the truth I can feel in my body, for being the person who hears the no and says the no, with sweetness and with love, may I learn how to do this gracefully, and if I can’t do it gracefully, may I do it anyway.
- Got upset with my lover for the first time since we met. This never happens. A breath for remembering that everything is a misunderstanding, and then reverse-engineering.
- Holy god it is hot in Utah, and even hotter in the camper, and it is muggy and sticky, and there is no air conditioning and everything seems harder than it should be. A breath for cool breezes, and for sweet rain.
- My sweet stressed-out lover had to work late this week, and by late, I mean between four and six in the morning. So really right now it’s less of a road trip with my lover and more like I happen to share nine feet of space with a random person whom I find very attractive. A breath for new cycles and getting on the same schedule.
- I was feeling excited and hopeful about a thing, and now isn’t the time and I want now to be the time, and I would like some good news please. A breath for finding the good in everything.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Releasing is potent stuff. A breath for astonishing things, and for recovery.
- I received WONDERFUL and VERY REASSURING test results: the thing I am dealing with is tiny, relatively common, benign. It is not any of the horrible debilitating diagnoses my monsters were loudly betting on. A breath of relief and deep, deep gratitude.
- My monsters were wrong! They were so completely wrong about everything this week! A breath for trusting the quiet steady voice of wisest me.
- Much less pain this week. So much so that it’s kind of shocking. It is amazing what a cheerful person I am when things don’t hurt. And food tastes good again. A breath for miracles.
- My lover is sweet, kind, warm, steady, loving, accepting. I feel such exquisite tenderness and vulnerability and trust, and without the accompanying oh god this is so uncomfortable part. A breath for joyful smiling, tears, gratitude, steaminess, wonder, passion, aliveness, all of it.
- I said this last week and it is still true: being only able to accomplish one thing a day, while frustrating, is not a bad way of being. A breath for rest and more rest and living the mission of Shmita.
- I made roasted red peppers and am so happy. I made a delicious mushroom soup. This process of removing plastic from my life, cooking from raw ingredients, and not generating trash is rewarding in ways I hadn’t expected — I did not think I would enjoy making things as much as I do. A breath for what if the thing I know is right can also turn into the thing I happen to find pleasurable.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Friends who rejoice in my good news. The sweet and thoughtful people who read this blog. Finding what I need when I need it. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong, even when I think it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
I took care of myself this week AND made soup, and I am going to call that a successful mission and award myself a billion sparklepoints. Wham Boom.
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpower of knowing what my yes is. Even when I didn’t act on it. I knew.
And I had the superpower of remembering that often what I think is bad news turns out to be really useful and even good.
Last week I asked for the superpower of Things Can Change For The Better Faster Than I Think, and got it IN SPADES. Thank you.
Powers I want.
I want, again, the superpower of I Trust Myself And My Body Completely, and the superpower of Oh Look The Perfect Door.
The Salve of Deep Guilt-Free Rest.
This salve erases all the scripts that say things like “I don’t even know why I’m so tired” and “It doesn’t make sense that I just want to rest”, and replaces them with PERMISSION, LEGITIMACY and ENDLESS SWEETNESS.
It dissolves all inherited social, cultural and familial guilt lines. It is a beautiful softening: I can let this go, I can put this down, I can close my eyes and let all the thought-worries drain into the earth.
This salve is wildly subversive, and I recommend using it in outrageous quantities. Put it on everything. It works great as a lip balm too.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is Too Busy To Talk. Their latest album is called Side Eye On The Side. They play harmonica and tambourine, and actually it’s just one guy.
And my upcoming Biopic…
Crises About Laundry. The Havi Brooks Story.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. You are welcome to take a breath, share something from your week, leave warmth or hearts, whatever works for you. My format doesn’t have to be yours. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
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Ever so glad you received good news about [medical thing].
If you’re in Utah during the summer (with no a/c), I… am kind of astonished that you can do anything at all. I wouldn’t be able to. (Current heat index in my area is 101. We have a/c, but this room is warm, w poor air circulation. Blinds are closed; I have barely done anything at all. Oh, I did get dressed. That’s it.)
Spouse has been working fairly nonstop for weeks, so I sympathize on that too.
Now if I could find a way to [that thing I’ve been trying and failing at, for the last 8 years].
“This salve is wildly subversive, and I recommend using it in outrageous quantities.” = possibility the best sentence I’ve read all week. Okay! I’m on it! And it’s on me!
Hard:
–having some difficulty simply giving myself a thing that I really want; noticing myself putting limits on how much I permit myself to claim
–waiting for certain people to get specific and commit to a thing, and telling myself unnecessary sad stories about the situation
–things don’t look good for a project I’ve been putting energy into for the past six months
Good:
–new pants, soft and light and flattering and comfortable
–back in rehearsals!
–summer rhythms are off to a good start
–Birthday Season has begun!
–lovely new clients
I now invoke the superpower of I Can Always Rest. *lights candle*
The Hard:
A No about a job that I hadn’t even asked for but that I wanted.
Having to choose between writing group & friends and having it be very difficult because both fill a need in my soul.
The Good:
Havi reminded me about mushroom soup. Which also reminded me about mushroom pate. And now I have new things to cook.
3 hours on the kayak, paddling, floating, tied up with friends.
Being able to decide whether to go or stay home tomorrow.
Superpowers I had this week:
Resilience.
And the power to make The Boy laugh, which is my favorite super power.
yay, Yay, and more YAY for all the good news!! <3
The Hard:
I am back in school and the homework that I wanted to get done last week kind of kicked my ass and left me wondering whether maybe I am not cut out for this after all.
Honey out of town all week & just me with the kids = not enough break
Seeing so much of my shadow all of a sudden (this is actually very good, just also a bit hard all at once).
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The Good:
Late nights were mine. No tv in the bedroom. Fan on all night. #Heaven
Found some super helpful worksheets and am feeling like I'm making good progress on [project]
Figured out homework (though I don't understand the logic of it, the program runs) so I asked for help before next class & kept right on going despite the doubts!
Honey comes home tonight!
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Happy Chickening all around! <3
Hard – The Dude is in the Sick Bay as I write.
The car pool has been dry for two weeks.
Had to work too hard to be Appreciated – stand in line at 2 lunch trucks, turn down the water in a cup because I couldn’t manage a cup of water and food. Sparklepoints for doing it within the allotted time, though!
The Last Required Class is one of those Everyone Gets To Rate You ones.
A lot of Iguanas have been pushed to tomorrow. Like with a bulldozer.
I need to put the food outside today for The Wolf to eat.
Doctor said to quit drinking tea (with caffeine in it) and wear a Common Female Torture Device (whenever I’m vertical.) I will consider alternatives tomorrow, since I’m heavily provisioned with caffeinated tea. And I’m Even More Resistant to wearing said Device when I’m not at work. Sudden idea – maybe colorized versions for weekends? Release the most uncomfortable ones. Oh yeah, baby!
The Good – Ha ha! They postponed scheduling the Dread Diagnostic Procedure until Monday. I can wait!
Joy for a haircut.
My girlfriend’s Big Hero 6 on my big screen. Better than I expected.
“I am what I am” from The Birdcage as a church anthem. I could just see the Burning Bush singing this and blowing Moses’ socks off. I got to sing along because I came late and was in the narthex with the Poopy Baby Family.
What will I do next time?
Use the Salve for Permission to Cry. Soon.
Get a Safety Alarm for when I am pushing my Boundaries out (releasing my Boundaries.)
Decide whether to use the Quest Card to take the shortcut around the Last Required Class or to start building a very strong Safe House.
May your Chickens have all the qualities you need.
Mercury, you’re not supposed to be retrograde anymore. So why is it all still all wonky-feeling? It’s terrible when the planets you were blaming for everything change their orbits, haha.
Anyway, taking a breath here. I so appreciate everything you wrote about in this post, since feeling frustrated at my lack of energy has been a theme for the last few years (and also in our household in general, where basically everyone is struggling with health issues). That salve = much needed!
The hardest thing about this past week has probably been feeling impotent and unproductive even though my work right now is literally about investigating how my creativity and ways of doing things have been warped and out of wack.
The good: I am surrounded by permission-giving people, I’ve restarted my writing practice, and I hurt much less than I did a few days ago. Also, I am equipped with Emergency Calm! Yes good 🙂
Hello, Friday. Hello, Chickeneers.
The Hard:
1. Finals. And not so much finals themselves as my over the top resistant tantrumy reaction to finals, and my feelings about that reaction, and my feelings about my feelings.
2. That thing when I am resisting information that scares me and so I am redirected more forcefully than gently.
3. I only have two days between finals being over at long last and then going out of town straight through until summer classes start. Today is one of those days, but I’m basically too tired to move.
4. I’m excited for this new direction, and I do not like the (slow) pace indicated going forward. Or the amount of questions I need to ask or the number of people I need to ask them of.
5. My final paper was just laughably bad. Terrible. Awful.
The Good:
1. Very good times singing with the people I sing with.
2. Finals are over!!!!
3. I have a new direction and it’s very exciting.
4. My husband is oh so very kind and attractive and patient and I appreciate him very much.
5. Now that there is this new direction, all these things that weren’t making sense suddenly do. Yay for mysteries resolving!
What worked? tablet! bite adjustment! and choosing a nap over practice.
Next time I might try… to go back to sleep sooner. Because I do not care to repeat the struggle to stay awake eleven hours later.
Hard:
* The backfiring of good intentions. Ow, ow, ow.
* Crossfire. Ow.
* The me that refuses to let go when a transaction doesn’t go right and I lose a discount I’m expecting, even though following up invariably costs me more time (aka prospective earnings or sleepings) than the money I would have saved.
Good:
* More cornflowers. Sweet cherry tomatoes.
* Final yoga class of old membership was a good one.
* Instincts stood me in good stead with [f].
Warm wishes to all y’all.
So much love for this Chicken and all the Chickeneers!
Good:
-I am currently chickening on Cannon Beach. A place I have dreamed of but never been until NOW.
-I got my first easily-visible tattoo. I love it! I trust the Incoming Me who has it.
-On my Road Trip of Trasnformation! In a few days I can officially say I live in Spokane, WA
-Going to have friend time with Floopie Jess! And watch TV and have snacks on her houseboat!
-The ocean and the redwoods are amazing and powerful allies!
Hard:
-Leaving was last minute, and I was sweaty and teary, and I got a rash from my bra. Ugh.
-Still too much driving.
-Most of my belongings that I brought with me were stolen on the first night. Old laptop, suitcase with 90% of my clothes, meds, and two plastic containers with random stuff. All my nail polishes. The entire day yesterday felt unreal. Still reeling.
-Tired
-physical stuff
Both:
-The Wild and Great Unknown
So sorry to hear that your things were stolen! That’s awful.
The ocean and the redwoods *are* powerful allies. I still have vivid and comforting memories of a drive from Eugene to Sunnyvale, and of places where I could see the redwoods and the ocean at the same time. So marvelous.
Oh my goodness, so sorry about being robbed!
Sending you a lot of love and flowers, and wishing you a speedy and pleasant healing process.
I’d actually pay to see a guy playing a tambourine & harmonica at the same time.
Your salves keep getting on point with what I’m dealing with for the past weeks.
So progress on my rest, I ran off from my office on monday to the beach, and I thought I’d work in the evening, but I came home too late for that. A minimum of guilt was had.
Living near the sea is wonderful and I feel happy and blessed that my seed had fell on this particular area because I’m not a moving kind of person.
Real life and internet conversations with people who are thinking the way I am about our country and the economy and want to stick around, instead of run a way to somewhere else. It’s nice not to feel like the only crazy person who actually likes it here.
I’m rambling now, but this is what I remember most from this week so I guess it’s fine 🙂
Hello, fellow chickeneers!
What worked this week:
I had this question from one of Havi’s posts on my desktop the whole week: “What if everything in your life is an ingredient that can change form when you let it go?”
And this is kind of what happened to me (the last two weeks to be exact): I let go, and the results were better.
Next week (which starts today, sort of) I might:
Well, I already put a new quote on my desktop. (This salve erases all the scripts that say things like “I don’t even know why I’m so tired” and “It doesn’t make sense that I just want to rest”, and replaces them with PERMISSION, LEGITIMACY and ENDLESS SWEETNESS.)
I read it for the first time just when I was having the same thoughts, put it on my desktop and went to sleep.
May come back later for the hard/good… lots of hearts and pebbles for everyone!
– 0) –
that’s a HappyLittlePebble, ala Bob Ross…
Happy Saturday! What a week!
My kids went to FLA, which is wodnerful and disorienting. And as usual, i spent the first week mostly on the couch, watching tv, and napping. WHich is lovely the first week, i really love feeling the break from being overscheduled. But i dont want to waste the next few weeks because they are precious. And binge-watching OITNB all evenng long is only fun for so long.
the suck:
-situation jellyfish
-lack of movement
-so much work to do
-blah
the sparkle:
-adjusted my Crown in a way that needed to be done, and took back my power and integrity by speaking my truth, proud of msyef
-June! the rain! the weather!
-my garden!
-possibility
-fan dancing class last tuesday nite! dancing again
-sending out mesages in bottles, getting the replies back.
-i went gluten free for 48ish hours and felt amazing. Joy!
-famers market season
Chickening in super late…
My hard:
– A new neighbour and whereas I never heard anything from the old one the new girl listens to music I cannot stand and the building I live in is so not sound-proof. I hate having to listen to someone’s music or TV
– Fasting really hard this time, I had been looking forward to it but I am not enjoying it
– One day that suddenly seemed endless and I could not fill it
– Something really annoying and time-consuming but also really important came up at work that has ripped me out of the pre-holiday-slowing-done-mode.
– The whole thing with him, patterns, patterns, patterns
My good:
– Still so happy about weekend before last
– A really cute text message by god-son
– Dug Paul Grilley’s yin yoga DVD out again
– Spontaneous get- together with neighbours (the nice ones, not the new noisy girl) was really fun
– The cranio-sacral fairy
– Lovely and uplifting evening with friend who I only see once in a blue moon
My wish for this week is Simple. With the concussion lethargy I understood why Yes is necessary – because there may only be one metaphorical step in one direction today and I want to choose it. Now I have much more energy and it is slow and exciting at the same time. It is Matariki, the Maori New Year, and we went to a dawn ritual in which voices pierced the veil between the human and spiritual worlds and made a bridge for us to walk into the new year (so said our host.) Afterwards I was explaining the yes means yes, no means no, not-no means no too strategy from Havi, none too clearly, when my partner summed it up: “So, it’s fuck yeah, or fuck off!” Simple. Moho – mo is the sound that helps the dash to the couch, and ho is the breath released when we reach its trusty cushions.
Mmmmmm. The exhale of reaching trusty cushions!!!!! YEAH.
Hearts and pebbles for all this week.
That salve is perfect! So perfect! I am going to use it as soap in the shower and wrap myself in it every night and every morning. Guilt-free rest. Sweetness, relaxation, permission. Yes.