It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday, for this space, and for being here when we get here.}
What worked this week?
Asking the magic eight ball online.
Sometimes you just need something to confirm what you already knew but didn’t want to admit that you knew.
Looking at buttmonsters.
Look at those adorable buttmonsters! Look at that adorable tiny couch! Brandi bought these when we closed the Playground, and she sent this picture, and I can’t even stand how cute they are.
Usually it’s squeezing buttmonster butts that cheers me up. This week, just having this picture made things better.
Next time I might…
Rest more.
Always. But especially now. Rest is the door to sovereignty. I can’t feel what I need or stand up for what I know if I’m too worn out to take care of myself.
And the title of my upcoming Biopic if it were based on this week…
Hiding Under The Skylight. The Havi Brooks Story.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The news is heartbreaking, and it seems like lately it is one gut-wrenching moment after the next. A breath for Charleston, for justice, for naming what needs to be named.
- Chronic pain is back. Five straight days of agony. A breath for presence and for moving through.
- Still so tired. I can do so little right now before becoming completely worn out. A breath for acknowledgment and legitimacy.
- Temperatures in the 90s make it impossible to function, even if I weren’t exhausted and in constant pain. We finally got out of the city where we can run the generator and have air conditioning, but it only works if you are constantly supervising and tinkering. The thought of being in 110 degree heat and having it break down is pretty terrifying, to be honest. And I can’t go into deep focus and writing mode if I need one ear listening at all times for the tiny signs that means the air conditioning unit is unhappy and needs immediate attention or it will stop. A breath for trusting my gut when it says no, this is too much to deal with right now, choose away from this.
- Plans keep changing, and then changing again, and I am in all of my homelessness stuff about Not Knowing Where I Will Be. A breath for remembering that I still have a home and I still have the camper with the beautiful boy, and I am held in love, and Now Is Not Then.
- I just want to be writing. And cooking. And have energy. A breath for this is how it is right now.
- Leaving the beautiful boy tomorrow for sixteen days. I am going to miss him so much. A breath for trusting the magic eight ball, and for trusting what I know and didn’t know that I knew until it was “confirmed” for me.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Gratitude for all this work of releasing. A breath for letting things go.
- I trusted my instinct and stopped taking the probiotics I’d been using to counter the effects of the antibiotics from last week, and the next day my pain went from unbearable and everywhere back to just the pain I’d been used to. Hey, progress. A breath for listening, and for relief.
- I got another session with the healing table. A breath for taking care of myself.
- We left the city and headed for the mountains and the trees, and everything is better. A breath for remembering this.
- My lover strokes my hair and listens and is present and kind and sweet with me, when I am panicking, when I am in pain, when I don’t know what to do, at all times. A breath for treasure: this is treasure.
- Today is 100 days of Shmita. A breath of appreciation for past-me who sent me on this wild adventure.
- Even though I don’t know what the plan is, I like the direction these new possible plans are going. Dreaming of tiny houses, earth ships, labyrinths, home base, building, writing, creating, cooking, resting. A breath for yes.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Frozen bananas. The Sounders falling apart and getting three red cards, and the Timbers winning 3:1. I made glass cleaner from vinegar, water and lemongrass oil which I happened to have, and it works so much better than commercial cleaner. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong, even when I think it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
I slept for twelve hours one night, I wrote blog posts, I processed pain, I hid when I needed to hide. Let’s call that a successful mission and I now award myself a billion sparklepoints. Wham Boom.
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpower of trusting my body, and that was amazing.
Powers I want.
I want the superpower of believing that the decision I just made was wonderfully right, and if it turns out not to be, then finding the aspects that were vital to the mission and feeling happy about all of it.
The Salve of Trusting The Body.
When you put on this salve, it’s a bit like when you put on really high-quality noise-isolating headphones. Everything goes quiet all around you, like sinking into a beautiful pool that exists just for you.
And then you hear the quiet intel that was there all along:
Yes, you need to pee. No, that food is not going to feel good in your body. Yes, second breakfast is actually a great idea. Hmmmm, maybe a fifteen minute nap. Yes, yes, yes, change position. Yes, yes, yes, smell that flower.
You trust and listen, trust and listen, trust and listen. It’s like reuniting with a friend you haven’t seen in too long, and you giggle together and catch up on everything you missed. It feels sweet, familiar, safe and full of love.
When you wear this salve, people will wonder if you are in love.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is The Traveling Mulberries. Their latest album is called Flat Bed Ruckus. They play doowop covers of Dolly Parton songs and it’s just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
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hard
– so much tired. after three weekends of working in a row, the bucket was empty, so empty.
– much tension at the current work assignment
good
– i got to work at home for a full day. well, at noir. love the noir.vhttps://www.facebook.com/NoirCoffeebar
– allies and help are coming in the work assignment
– sleep. appreciation for slee.
The Hard:
– Traveling. I didn’t have time to pack or really prepare so I told myself “whatever; it’ll be fine.” But so far while it’s not a *total* disaster, it is pretty bad.
– The babers isn’t sleeping hardly at all, and keeps saying “I miss home,” we have to eat out every meal, my stomach is so upset the pain is almost debilitating, the weather’s in the 90s, our hotel is awful so we mostly wander around downtown trying not to die of heat stroke, we are spending *so* much money we didn’t have in the first place, and the house I thought we’d get to borrow at least for a few hours of laundry and cooking is being remodeled, so that plan’s out.
– Still unclear, resisting, and in my stuff about next plans.
– I have to start an intensive statistics class Monday and I’m not getting back until Sunday night. I don’t have the book or calculator yet, but the professor has already emailed to say I need to have two chapters of the textbook read before the first class.
– My textbooks this quarter are ridiculously expensive. Bleh.
– This wonderful, wonderful thing was happening and then it kind of exploded instead and I’m very sad.
The Good:
– Last Saturday I had the *most* beautiful ritual, and I got to hold an important place in it and I managed to do so and everyone thanked me.
– I carpooled with someone I’ve found difficult in the past and got to know her and how beautiful she is underneath it.
– So far on this trip we’ve connected with two dear friends and it’s been so good. I’ve missed these people and their wisdom so much!
– Scarlet and I have been alternating swimming in the creek and swimming in “the blue pool” (aka the kind of awful one in the middle of the hotel parking lot with no trees or bushes around it at all.) She is *determined* to learn to swim and I love helping her be in the water on her terms. She’s an uber-HSP (second or third phrase she ever said was “too loud,” another favorite is “too sun!”), so I wasn’t sure how she’d feel about swimming. But she can’t get enough of it. And neither can I, really.
– I get today to myself! David’s busy and there’s no one to visit, so Scarlet and I are just going to swim, rest, swim, rest, and find a laundromat.
So much good and so much hard! So much overwhelminess and so much inner peace! Whoa.
Breathing for the tangles, the mysteries, the scatterings and clutterings.
+Breathing for the Mystery of Check Box. More like Mysteries, really. Where did it go? Why wasn’t I informed? Was I really misled or was it just an oversight? Recognizing that all these Mysteries are just ghosts circling around the True Mystery which is: What Do I Need To Have In Order To Feel Okay?
+Breathing for the Mysteries of Operation Pterodactyl. Which is really mostly awesome! Just sometimes a little frustrating and a lot overwhelming.
+Breathing for the X I wish I were having and am not having.
+Breathing for the Hard trying to figure out how to integrate True Blue into Operation Unicorn Violet. Breathing for how proud I am of myself for the tiny walruses I have put into this mission today, and all the days.
+Breathing for Operation OAR, which I don’t actually need to release if I don’t want to, even if I feel like it would look to others like I have released it or like I should release it.
+Breathing for Operation Q. Fuck all that! Fuck how hard this is! Fuck! Big fat permission slip to be upset and angry about this. Big fat permission slip to not do it again. Noticing that the resistance I feel about this pales in comparison to other similar Q-Ops from The Past, and also noticing that this does not by any means trivialize this experience or make it any less real!
+Breathing for the Bad Surprise Scenes in a show I was kinda enjoying. Breathing for sad angry scared me. Breathing for me now, breathing for me then, breathing for all the mes. Big fat permission slip to not watch this show anymore, to not need to know “what happens” to any more fictional people about whom I have grown to care a great deal.
+Breathing for the mystery-twins of How Do I [Get My Hammock] and How Do I [Have Cake To Share]?
+Breathing for worrying about Agent Popcorn. Can I not be worrying about them? PLEASE?! EVER?!
+Breathing for the sadness of releasing [CC]s. Sadness of releasing Indigo Rose. Sadness of releasing Space Man. Sadness of releasing Marinara Dreams (even though…ew). Wishing I could have one that I didn’t have to release like this.
Breathing for donuts, for sweetness, for joy, for delights and treats.
+Breathing for Operation Pterodactyl. Love love love.
+Breathing for all of the noodly delights. Noodly delights!
+Breathing for my new Flamingo Rampant books. YAY!!!
+Breathing for Operation Hammock Plus! YAY YAY YAY THAT WAS SO GOOD.
+Breathing for Operation Q+Q. Bookends! Agent Summers! Shininess! Self-care! Interconnectedness! Yes yes yes.
+Breathing for the new James Taylor album! I want to hug it a million and a half times!
+Breathing for Agent Rainbows coming to visit me! EEEEEEEeeeEEEEeee!!!
+Breathing for the Me Who Says Yes! Oh I love that me so much. And all the other mes of course. YES.
Activating: Superpower of Receiving What I Need!
Activating: Superpower of Asking the Right Questions of the Right People!
Activating: Superpower of Birthing Awesomeness!
Activating: Superpower of Open Connection!
And my fake band of the week is: Proto-Clusters! YEAH!
Hello and Cluck! It is Friday and we are here!
What worked this week: week of Ritual and Writing, not that much of either happened but remembering the name kept it from becoming another Week of Tv and FB after work. Gluten free. moving thru the list. Not engaging with D’Baron.
the sucks:
-D’Baron. I really hate this fucking guy.
-the news. Charleston and everything that comes before. The wilful moral cowardice of soooo many people.
-I am really in my ‘us v. them’ narrative this week, so oi have to ask: where am I failing at living up to my own standards
-stall and stuck on too many things
-the lack of sober, the things that don’t change
-the lack of Orange Blossoms
-had to speak my truth to a dear one. it’s all good and clean, but also lonely
the sparkle:
-Santa Clara and all the plans for Operation 50/50
-Santa clara tix in hand!! #gratefullydeadicated
-my garden and all the rain
-Summer Solstice! I literally have 12 invites for this weekend
-getting a handle on the money better, finally
-progress
-Guidance
-no gluten = feeling so great. this is amazing
Ohhh, Friday. <3
Hard: the news from Charleston. Absolutely heartbreaking and horrifying.
Good: my beloved guitar, which was damaged six weeks ago, has been repaired, and it feels and sounds beautiful. Yes, you can see the scars if you know where to look — so now my guitar is a wounded healer, like me, like so many of us.
I now invoke the superpower of Softening Into Sweetness…
Breath for Charleston.
What worked – The Dude coming out of Sick Bay on my vacation day Monday with less pain and “lighter” than the last two times.
The salve label said, “The Salve of Deep, Guilt-Free ____________”. And so it was – a blanket salve. It mainly was a salve of permission to cry.
The Wolf fed itself and went away – presumably happy.
Church variety show dinner and movie another night with my girlfriend.
The Hard
Wearing the Common Female Torture Device whenever I’m vertical.
Tea.
Head spinneys hard for two days.
The Good
Used the “It’s Just a Test” card for everything to do with the Last Required Class.
Enjoyed the last ProfOrg meeting. Especially seeing the new officers installed and none of them are me! A member asked me a question for my former office, and I felt upwelling joy as I directed him to the person who replaced me.
THEY are Monitoring me to see if my heart is working right.
I am able to just do things with less Monster Input.
What will I do next time? See what’s up with the small, dark, strong fears.
Another Chicken in the basket!
I’ll take a buttmonster, please! 🙂
The hard:
Doing work for another professional who doesn’t do what I do and who needed my help with their client, and then having them say “that is too much money for you to charge.” A breath for disappointment and not feeling valued.
Alone.
Feeling like a giant when I visit my family.
Grey skies break my brain. And even though I know it’s broken I sometimes just want to believe it. And then the sun comes out.
The good:
Maine to see papa.
Papa still being on the earth.
My niece and nephew loving my company.
The most perfect baked beans.
What worked: playing lots of Foster the People.
Next time? look for the card before spending time on research.
Frustrating:
* Unexpected SFX. FFS.
* Bank handling my HELOC app not inspiring confidence.
Reassuring, moving, delightful:
* Sending and receiving thank-you notes, including one that acquainted me with a new-to-me French word (douillette)
* My church performed a new setting of Step by Step: The Ruby Bridges Suite last Sunday. Listeners were crying, applauding, beaming …
* My sweetie helping me dress
Warm wishes to all y’all.
There was recently an article out that said a huge percentage of probiotics tested have gluten in them, not mentioned on the label. Very interesting read.
I have had a lot of success with not caring–it’s 50% of DNRS. Which is starting to knock out my gluten sensitivity teeny bit by bit so that is a joyful thing in a line of miracles it has already brought. Happy little chicken moment.
Hope you feel better soon.
Ohmygod that would explain so much, also the brain fog in addition to the horrible pain. Yay for happy little chicken moments and not caring! xoxox
Hard
– tired
– being on a booked train, and then having to wait hours for it because I was so early.
– yet another existential crisis
Good
– pie and a pint in my favourite Edinburgh pub
– moving on, moving on
– being at the start line for the Women’s Tour
– six years!
Next time I might:
– get an open ticket
Havi, thank you for the salve, which is exactly what I was trying to construct for myself!
The hard: my only job right now is listening to my body.
The good: my only job right now is listening to my body.
Superpower of Slowing Down is Easy.