Hello, Friday: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 377th week in a row we are chickening here together….
What worked this week?
Napping.
Sometimes I want to keep gnawing at a logistical dilemma, and not pause and not rest until I have something approaching an answer.
Invariably though, if I just listen when my body sends me back to bed, I either wake up with the solution or I wake up not caring so much about not having figured everything out yet, and often both.
Saying thank you.
Grief is not easy, and I am deep inside of it, and the only thing that helps when I am like this is to say thank you to everything, for everything. It is a form of naming things and saying I AM HERE, but with added appreciation.
Next time I might…
Do some advance monster-troubleshooting
I’ll be thirty nine this year, it’s not like this is my first breakup rodeo, even if this one hurts more than I remember anything ever hurting in my life.
So I know how my well-meaning monsters work. They want this to be all those years ago when Itamar left Tel Aviv without me, they want this to be the time Braude chose Vancouver and far away. They want me to believe I have been forgotten, so that I will be mad instead of sad, and get over it already.
They’re trying to protect me, of course, but they do this by telling me very convincing and very hurtful lies. And it somehow just now occurs to me that it was all lies then too.
Remembering that yes, this is what happening helps a lot, but/and: what helps even more is bringing in the negotiators, and talking about truth and Now Is Not Then.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Breathe And Say Thank You, Cry And Say Thank You: the Havi Brooks story
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The aching pain of sad goodbyes: he is gone. A breath for breathing my way through the ending.
- Oh, my sweet sad heart that hurts so much. A breath for my heart.
- Monsters telling me lies about how he has already forgotten me, and doesn’t love me anymore and that’s why he really left, to be free and as far away from me as possible, and most of the time I know these are lies, but sometimes I’m like, oh this is fascinating tell me more, as if there is anything to learn here other than the fact that yes, of course, some self-defense mechanisms are self-destructive and cruel, and there are reasons for that, and that doesn’t mean we have to buy into any of it. A breath for remembering truth.
- It gets dark so early now, and I do not like this, and I feel a Hermiting coming on, a withdrawing from the world, and I do not know if this is good for me or if it will be too isolating. A breath for me.
- Portland gets bigger and fancier and more unappealing to me by the day, and the street harassment is exponentially worse, and being here is not my yes, but I do not know where my yes is, and I do not have the means (at the moment) to go explore and find out, so let’s have a breath for me who both wants and does not want to be a wanderer, and wants and does not want to be effortlessly rooted.
- The beautiful boy is gone, not here, away, and I have so much trouble getting used to this, I bought his favorite olives yesterday even though he is in Montana, as if having olives for him would be enough quiet magic to draw him back to me. Another breath.
- There is so much big change in my life right now, and so many decisions to be made and real-and-perceived deadlines, and I am feeling completely overwhelmed, and also I need to go back to work for a few months, to take time off of my shmita in order to have more shmita, and I understand why this is important, and my feelings about this are very mixed. And also I am so sad about this ending with my lover that I can’t seem to focus for very long on any of the other things that need my attention. A breath for finding the treasure in all things, may this get easier.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- While the most beautiful weekend was also the saddest weekend, it was full-to-overflowing with sweetness and treasure, and I will never forget it. A breath of immense gratitude for the gift of that.
- When I am not under the spell of monster-lies, I remember that I am deeply loved, adored and cherished, not only by the boy but by myself and my wise selves, and also by source/LIFE. And I remember that love cannot be lost, because the very idea of that is absurd, a distortion of the true essence of love. I can forget that love is available to me and lives inside of me, but that doesn’t make it not-there. Broken-hearted is a misunderstanding. There is always more heart, more wholeness. A breath for this full-heart wisdom.
- So much of the agony of last week was not just the pain of the end but not knowing if we’d ever see each other again. Now we have a date for a someday. I mean, it’s very far away, and who knows for sure if we will make it there, but I don’t care, it’s an X marks the spot, a map of jewels, arrows drawn on a slip of paper, and this helps. A breath for faith, and for hopefulness.
- I am so fortunate to have such warm, generous and loving friends, who show up and glow love and support for me, and send texts that say all the right things. A breath of appreciation.
- Oh the luck-magic of good timing which allowed for so much extra support and companionship this week when I needed it so much. Lira was in town, Marisa came and stayed with me for two days, Kyle had the day off and took me out to breakfast, I am sitting with Ms Amye in a favorite cafe, and Audrey is in town too and I get to see her Sunday. A breath of thank you.
- I have new sheets and they are they color of RUBIES and marvelously soft, and I already really loved being in bed, but now it is just the best. A breath of joy for the transformative power of color.
- For the past two weeks I have been stuck on a seemingly-endless project and not able to make progress, and then one morning this week, this suddenly shifted and now everything is moving. And a parallel process is happening in dance, where I have been on the cusp of so much, and on Wednesday I had a remarkable lesson with Jen where suddenly I could see the seeds growing where before was just dirt and hope. A breath of relief.
- Thankfulness. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Operations completed and forward movement!
Even more progress on the 2016 Fluent Self calendar, steps taken on the Fountaining op, and lots of ideas about both Sweet Honey and Shed Shed Shed. Thank you, fractal flowers.
I now bestow upon myself a quintillion sparklepoints, like a Fairground Stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
The superpower of remembering that actually everything is fine, thank you last-week me who asked for Deep Beautiful Trust In All Is Well, I had sweet moments of that and it helped so much.
Powers I want.
I want the superpower of choosing towards Delicious Space.
The Salve of Delicious Space
This might be the most healing salve there is. It is immensely powerful. It works mostly under the surface but it will make everything glow.
As I rub it into my skin, I remember that I am allowed to want supportive environments and supportive people in my life. Unsovereign bullshit starts to fade away. I make fearless intentional choices, small ones, and they add up.
I become very aware of what does not belong in my space, but it doesn’t bother me anymore, I don’t feel conflicted, I just step back and stand in the calm knowing that I am allowed to let things that don’t belong gracefully exit.
I am part of the grace and I am part of the exit, nothing is forced. I choose towards delicious space, and everything that doesn’t belong there is invited to find its own way out. I allow some doors to open, I allow some doors to close.
There is a sweet simplicity to this, and it comes from not being worried, and the reason I am not worried (even though, yes, I usually am) is that worry doesn’t belong in delicious space, so once I have chosen delicious space for me, there is no room for things that don’t belong there.
This is a very difficult salve to describe, so I am just going to flash an image of the round silver container it comes in, with a tiny rose in a tiny crown on a tiny boat, and trust that the feeling of it will waft its way to you.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is for the beautiful boy who is so far away:
Big Sky Fans
Their latest album is Inaugural Uses, and, of course, it’s just one guy.
Quick announcements!
While clearing out the house, I discovered a hidden stash of the gorgeous Stone Skipping cards! $22 for an extremely magical deck of cards plus shipping, or for $30 (plus shipping) we’ll add a cheery red Playground mug, since I found some more of those too! Tell the First Mate if you’re interested.
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Follow
All my love and support to you. <3
o
This week:
1. The end of breastfeeding. A big door to step through. The sweetness that’s ending, and the unknown of the other side are both tough. I’ve been doing this almost three years now. But it’s time, and I sense goodness on the other side.
2. Two nights of big huge messiness and no sleep and being completely in my stuff and feeling I’d lost the bedrock of my life. Followed by two of the most hellish days.
3. Going back in time a little and finding so much grief for past me and her naïveté and optimism. Because while I’m much steadier these days, a lot of that comes from having given up… Almost everything. Plans, relationships, dreams, ideas of myself. I miss the days I thought it might still be easy.
4. Beautiful beautiful community meeting. And getting to be there with my family. It meant so much, was so gentle and nourishing.
5. Took a huge step with my family of origin. And then three tribal identity things landed and I felt very confirmed in the work I’m doing.
6. Acupuncture this week was delicious. Super helpful.
7. Really, considering bear time and my belief (possibly true, it’s still unclear) that I had lost the bedrock of my life, I was pretty cool about it. There was a lot of crying, but it only took about two hours to land in “if this isn’t the way, a new way will reveal itself.”
8. Reading the post on Shiva, I realized that in 2010 when I prayed to change my life, I prayed to Shiva. I mean, I knew that. But somehow it didn’t connect that this is the destroyer of ego. Everything that’s happened since makes perfect sense. I stand by the prayer, but I do have a bit of a bitter laugh about it because wow was it (is it) hard.
9. Being a weepy clingy mess of a person, probably more subtly than I fear, all over in public. Watching misunderstandings happen as I’m too tired and triggered to get my words together. Waiting for everyone to decide I’m just too much of a mess. (Though isn’t it funny this isn’t gratitude for how many people have tolerated me?)
10. For the longest time I’ve had pride and thought it was self-love. Now I’m learning to be humble (being forced to learn to be humble, aka “oops did I pray to the ego destroyer?”), but I still don’t get the love part. If I’m not better than everyone (and I’m really not) then what is my worth? It’s hard not to have the answer to this somewhere in my body to help me get through my days.
11. Lighting candles. Always helpful.
<3
Delicious Space is a very welcome salve! I love its beautiful container, and I love the way it helps me remember beautiful containets.
Hard: one of the people I love most sees some very important things very differently than I do, and is very vocal about it at times.
Good: Successful experiments in pattern reweaving. This is subtle stuff, mostly internal shifts that the people around me may not notice, and yet, hugely significant. Thank you Swoop, thank you Fluent Self, thank you Havi, and thank you Me!
I now invoke the superpower of Sweet, Easy Motion!
Hard
No word from the job. Which is reminding me of no word from the boy which reminds my monsters that I do not get anything in life because I am a failure and do not know how to human.
Skipping an event that I wanted to skip but seeing all the pictures from the event and sometimes wishing I could be like those people Who are probably more like me but they just hide it better.
The good
I don’t know. Well the dentist was good and my teeth are all happy.
Yoga is good and getting back in my body.
Dentist and yoga.
And not having to pretend to like people tomorrow because I won’t be there.
O <3 O
Hards:
– Strong feels about boundaries and space and culture, and no idea how to make space for them. Seething with anger a lot of the time.
– Questioning a lot of my choices, aka projecting responsibility onto past-me.
– Perceiving more of I’m The Only One Who Gets Dynamite Kid. Obvs my [ego] and [monsters] love this story.
Goods:
– Jazz lunch with a chest-melting version of Both sides now.
– Long slow Saturday just R and me.
– My job is becoming way more doable.
– Trusting there are jewels in all this questioning.
Blowing kisses to all.
Projecting responsibility on to past me!!! That’s it! Thank you for articulating this. <3
o
Clucking and waving 🙂
Hardstuffs…..
* change, even when it is right
* conscious goat herding young kids
* navigating the ups and downs of being in a body/mind that runs in third gear most of the time, while living a life at full speed, and finding it difficult to feed myself genuinely nourishing fuel.
* zombie days
* the game is rigged, resentment, love for a vision of how the game might be and the gap between that vision and reality. Bah!
* being a tender creature
Goodstuffs……
* change that is right
* so many magic beans, and the opportunity to offer a resource that is sorely lacking in the world/game that is rigged the way it is (take that, stoopid game!)
* the flipside of all the hard things, of course
* I am well and all is well and I am filled with appreciation for this moment now. Amen. (It seems I think in prayer format A LOT nowadays and that feels good and right to me). Yay.
<3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3
-o- -o- -o-
-o-
Oh, so much that resonates. Griefing (because it really is a Gree thing), naps that make things just a bit easier, the Seeking of Deliciousness, clashes of values with an Important One…
And Rhiannon, your beautifully eloquent “weepy clingy mess of a person” so connects with my sometimes perception of myself! And yes, lighting candles is so good for many things (along with incense or oil burners *goes and sounds all hippy*).
Tis scary to share online, but– *takes a breath*
The Grim:
~ realising how deeply alone and un-understood I’ve felt these past many moons by Significant People
~ so, so much work to do on the vast Magic Realm that’s not feeling very Magic at all *sad face*
~ slipping on the edges of the Vortex of Chaos, Overwhelm and Dysfunktion despite all best efforts to avoid said Vortex
The Magic:
~ returning to a space from which I’ve been estranged (through circumstances, not their or my choice) and being deliciously welcomed with crazy genuine warmth
~ nurturing mine body attentively, including Resting (Resting? I’m learning!)
~ reconnecting with an old–no, a ridiculously young, former lover who does magical things to said body EVEN IF I can’t see it going anywhere, yet not feeling ambivalent, just allowing it (not fighting myself, hurray!)
Sending Sweet Soft Safe Just-Right spaces for the tenderest parts in all of us,
Magic xx
<3
Samedi shalom!
What worked last week? Choosing sleep over various shoulds.
Next time? I might start a box for the next trip, and put hair towels in it. As much as I like the idea of souvenir towels, I don’t need the pressure of finding them right away, especially as a guest in someone’s home.
Upcoming biopic: Taking Things Lying Down: The Disguised Pause on the Learning Curve
Hard, exasperating, etc.:
* Feeling and fearing being run down, in multiple varieties of the term
* The hotel was fine, but given what we paid for it, I’d expected better. Same with the stylish sticky notes.
* I’m not liking my options for [a] and [b] so far.
* Beautiful watch stopped working. So did the clasp on fun purse. And a dress I wore on several memorable occasions is no longer truly flattering.
* Near-misses are still Not Sales. Oof.
* Feeling fresh sadness over not having (yet found) the right salsa partner.
* Recognizing when someone is In Their Stuff doesn’t make it less stinky when they’re flinging it at me. Ugh.
* Hearing about specialists being condescending as well as unhelpful to a friend. Feeling so much rage at those men.
Good, reassuring, etc.:
* The wedding and the gatherines/gatherings related to it were wonderful.
* Now Is Not Then. I am more organized and realistic than Teenager Me. For example, Monsters, I packed EXACTLY the right amount of reading this time.
* I won a door prize at the concert I went to on impulse. It was sparkly!
* It was unexpectedly a week of splendid salads: my honorary mama made Salade Nicoise Sunday night. The arugula salad at Five Points Pizza Thursday night included orange peel and was delicious. The farmhouse salad at Fado included pickled beets and carrots and went well with the lime-sriracha wings and Redbreast whisky. Not to mention the Irish band playing Elvis and Johnny Cash as well as reels and sagas.
* I am enjoying studying when I actually get to it.
* Sun lighting the bathroom as I clean it.
* Writing progress, and ideas for things that aren’t working.
* Beautiful cards in the mail, and quality time with beloveds.
Superpower I had last week: Recognizing shoes and other Stuff as Not About Me.
Powers I want: Collaboration with Quality. Gliding through the Grinding.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Mmmmm those salads! I am currently writing a post about Ingredients and wasn’t sure if I wanted to post it yet, but reading abut those salads just makes me go YES YES YES YES. Gliding through: may it be so! <3
So much love and presence to you, Havi.
Hard:
-Work and moving my stuff to the new apartment, and the lack that comes with this. This is all temporary, soon enough I will have plates and chairs and a desk to do things on.
-My phone went mysteriously dead, well the screen anyway, and I was supposed to have it within 48 hours, and I still don’t have it almost a week later.
-I am afraid that my friend who I lived with and just moved out of is mad at me, and I have messed.up enough.that I get it, and yet I don’t know how to fix it now, and it’s difficult to talk about. May this tension be dissolved in ease, if not laughter.
-Recurring patterns of.My.own money mismanagement, shame arises, etc. I adjust and learn something every time, but man, I wish I was just good.at this already.
Good:
-I have my own space!!! It’s beautiful, wood floors, natural light, a huge balcony and secretly huge closets. I love.it! for now I am calling it Humming House.
-I met someone special! Still very early, enjoying butterflies and sweet laughter together.
-Got some praise.at work this week, feeling good about my day job
-I went out and did something social last week, Taco Tuesday, and I met someone really cool for friend-ing! Awkward conversations out in the city can lead to the types of interaction that I want!
Remember last week when I declared SPAMNESTY because there were eighteen thousand comments in the spam folder and I didn’t want to go through it? Well, there are now 13,770 that have shown up since then, so Eternal Spamnesty, I guess.
Eternal spamnesty for all!
<3
All of us here love you, Havi.
I can make phone calls now because of you, and enter supermarkets. And so many more things.
Thank you.
The more I paid attention to my patterns this week, the more I noticed (about 100 million times) something or other triggering a feeling of “AAAAAAAAAUUUUGHHHHHH!!!!!”
It’s awesome to learn this much about how I work. But also, challenging.
Deep sigh for me.
Deep sigh for all of us.
Abundant sparklepoints to all * * * * * * *
choosing truth.
this feels like such a revolutionary concept to me right now. just this one line thrills me in just the right way. thank you.
***
there is this beautiful song i forget about. and than it found its way back to me, right in this moment where i feel overbearingly sentimental and thankful and lonely and alive.
“our favorite parts are what we’ll keep
ornamental parts of love and parts of memories
so everything else has room to grow
’cause in better light, everything changes”
this is my wish: better light, for me to grow.
Hearts, pebbles, flowers, colours, light for you, Havi and all chickeners!
The hard stuff:
– Brother-in-law and wife have so been wanting to go to Bolivia for years and years. A direct flight was never possible so they always took various detours and had managed to just set a foot on Bolivian territory a few times but were always expelled pretty soon after this. This time they really thought they had made it there, feeling already pretty much like legal citizens after 5 months on Bolivian territory and then a few days ago they were expelled again and had to leave a tiny, tiny, tiny little Bolivian behind who looked as though he was only sleeping.
I feel entitled to my own problems and my own hard no matter how much harder other people’s hard is compared to mine but somehow this diminished all my hard this week so I won’t bother mentioning it.
The good:
– The colours of the food on my plate: bright orange of the pumpkin, dark and full green of spinach leaves, bright red barberries
– The rediscovery of my Paul Grilley DVD
– A walk in the woods
– Getting enough sleep
– Not procrastinating the only thing at work I really don’t enjoy
<3