Hello, Friday: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 375th week in a row we are chickening here together….
What worked this week?
Recognizing a voice
I was so tired, disoriented, cranky, and I wanted to tell someone I care about to go away and not come back, and before I did, I suddenly recognized the voice.
It wasn’t me who wanted to say that. It was 26-year-old me. It was exactly her words and her tone and her mood.
So I went to the bathroom, and talked with her. I told her how much I love and appreciate her, how much I admire her boldness and her fearless unwillingness to compromise what she believes in.
I also told her about how Now Is Not Then: we don’t need to lash out to protect ourselves anymore. And I pointed out that the main reason we were often harsh and reactive then was all those years working nights and not sleeping until morning. And she understood that this is what was happening now, and that she didn’t need to get involved here, and went to a safe room to sleep it off.
Next time I might…
Use the Flow Chart of Spaciousness, of course.
Well, use it sooner, at least. Once I remembered it, everything got better.
Who here has been reading (or poking around in the archives) long enough to remember The Flow Chart Of Spaciousness? It’s nearly six years old!
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Maybe Don’t Respond To Anything Until You’ve Caught Up On Sleep: The Havi Brooks Story
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- My dance crisis (which is getting boring) is still a thing, or on and off a thing. A breath for figuring out a new relationship to this so that I can enjoy the parts I love, and steer clear of the aspects of dance culture which don’t support me.
- No matter how tangled up I get, dance is still pretty much always in the top five things I want to be doing, while for the beautiful boy who’s been in ongoing work crisis, dance has come in at maybe seventeen on his list. He’s been focused on just getting through the day. Suddenly last weekend, after a couple months of dance not being on his radar, it mysteriously and unexpectedly — from where I stood — got bumped up to number one for him! Which sounds great, except number one takes precedence over sleeping, eating, sex, closeness and connecting. I really wanted all those other things. Like, really, really, really a lot. And they weren’t on his list. And it sucked. A breath.
- Something shifted for me, and all of my superpowers got way more intense this week, which is cool except it also means that all my already highly-heightened sensitivities are through the roof, so I’m going through the growing pains of that. Trying to navigate with these new skills, and without thinking that the blessing is the curse. Things I used to be able to do out in the world (bus, supermarket) as long as I came prepared with presence, a strong forcefield and an escape plan, are not really doable now. That needs to change. Or I need to find a new way to do things. A breath of compassion for me who is struggling, and a breath of thank-you for the gifts of growth, may I see them and smile.
- One late night of dancing knocked me out for most of the week, and I had trouble receiving/revealing my decisions until I followed protocol. A breath for following the protocol.
- The two things my lover and I don’t have in common with regards to how we live have shifted from “haha it’s fascinating how we’re so completely different in these two very particular ways” to “okay, this is actually not healthy or sustainable unless something changes”. Sure, it was kind of sexy being a passionate firefighter having a hot affair with a good-looking pyromaniac, but now I’ve been promoted to station chief and he’s gone full-scale all-out arsonist, and this is a very inexact metaphor but the point stands. A breath for us and the big love in our hearts.
- My mother’s yahrzeit was this week, and that was a sad and not-easy day. A breath.
- I’m not sure how much of this is Portland changing (very quickly) and how much is me changing (similar pace). It seems the number of people exhibiting erratic behavior has increased tenfold this year. Lots of unpleasant incidents, to the point that it’s no longer appealing to me to do many things I used to find pleasurable. Things are what they are, and exit signs aren’t bad. A breath for this, and for me.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Friday night dancing (until 4:30am!) was fun and creative and playful, and did a lot to restore my confidence and joy, and it was so sweet to dance with the beautiful boy again and smile that joyful smile we have while dancing. A breath for play and delight, and being at home in my body.
- Someone I care about is making real changes and wearing their crown again, and this fills me with gladness for them. Yay! A breath for hope.
- When my plans for where I’m going to be living come January fell apart, I didn’t freak out and homeless-me didn’t surface, and then the new (and much better) plans revealed themselves almost immediately. A breath for the magic of this.
- Operation Honey Sweet! I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited to start a project. A breath for bubbling enthusiasm, and how good and right it feels.
- I had ten thousand (approximately) wild epiphanies this week, as well as hugely helpful counseling from Incoming Me. A breath of yes and thank you.
- Deep intense sweetness with my lover prevailed this week, despite all the challenges of the weekend. We spent Sunday night and Wednesday night together, and even with his seemingly unending work crisis, we still found time for deep joy and presence. A breath for closeness, adoration, pleasure, dozing on his chest seconds after closing my eyes, like the most contented kitten.
- I feel vibrantly hopeful (as opposed to frustrated/scared) about everything right now, including things that aren’t working in various parts of my life. I know what I want, I know what works for me and what doesn’t, I’m not afraid. So that’s a beautiful miracle, and I’ll take it. A breath for all the work that got me here.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Everything is okay. My sweetly humming home. Cold dates (the fruit) with freshly ground peanut butter. Hot dates with myself. Tea in the best mug. A terrific dance lesson that put a giant smile on my face. Nothing is wrong, even when I think it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Operations completed!
Forward movement on many ops this week, including Operation A Sweet Fountaining, Operation Shed Shed Shed, and some more exploration into parachute play. Thank you, fractal flowers.
I now bestow upon myself a quintillion sparklepoints, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
The superpower of cherishing myself, which is no small thing. I will take some more of that.
Powers I want.
I want the superpower of Not Stealing My Own Joy: ACTIVATE!
The Salve of Not Stealing My Own Joy
If we are to believe the internet, Theodore Roosevelt said that comparison is the thief of joy, and Mark Twain said comparison is the death of joy, and the sufis say that comparison is the devil, and either way, there are endless ways we can inflict self-harm through trying to measure up to someone else instead of being present with our hearts-wants-feelings-breath and everything we are in this moment now.
This salve sneakily reverses debilitating comparison tendencies like so:
First, it fills you with the most sweet, steady calm, as if you had nothing that needed doing but gaze contentedly at sunbeams dancing on the water, or enjoy a spectacular rainbow from a cozy hammock.
The phrase “I Don’t Steal My Own Joy!” pops into your head, and suddenly ALL YOUR JOY IS RESTORED.
Any joy you’ve given away by accident — for example, I give mine away a lot while watching tiny petite advanced dancers who are twenty years younger than me and have ballet training — comes flowing back to you, clean and clear, ready to be distributed to wherever you need the most pleasure.
This is a secret sovereignty salve, and a secret gratitude salve, and everyone around you can feel it, because the joy that is yours that returns to you is the most special thing in the world.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from my lover, and also could be the title of his memoir:
Prone To Ridiculous Complications
Their latest album is It’s Probably A Curse, and, of course, it’s just one guy.
Quick announcements!
While clearing out the house, I discovered a hidden stash of the gorgeous Stone Skipping cards! $22 for an extremely magical deck of cards plus shipping, or for $30 (plus shipping) we’ll add a cheery red Playground mug, since I found some more of those too! Tell the First Mate if you’re interested.
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Follow
Sparkly quintillioness! (In which I suddenly see a hidden yet sparkling lioness…)
What worked: Contacting contractor #3. Going to Chinatown. Not trying to fit in a co-op stop.
Next time? I’m not sure yet, but it may involve better socks. Or putting off skating.
Hard, frustrating, etc.:
* Fresh dental WTF
* Fresh bug bites, too
* Mountaining of molehills encroaches on dreamspace, working out, etc.
* Something smells ooky in the front room and I am feeling daunted about dealing with it.
Good, lovely, etc.:
* Gorgeous Persian artwork and a silken bag of tea
* Heart-shaped pendant from the aunt = perfect thank you gift
* Dealing with ook — both known and hidden = physical activity
* Friends getting married radiantly happy. It’s wonderful to witness.
Shabbat shalom. Warm wishes to all y’all.
The big thing this week was the P of C; anticipation of it meant stress and also using the superpower of recognizing and planning for the Day of C.
I lost sight of something important and forgot to follow my own RR and that made things more difficult in many ways.
ML continues to be helpful — I hope CT realizes what she let go of and also her contribution to the problems that led to the Problem.
Dave tCG came today and was helpful; MrB was a lot more relaxed than he has been for some time.
Husband’s wounds looked better and now they look worse and he’s having severe pain that’s not associated with the wounds. I thought something like that would happen and I haven’t said I Told You So — I get lots of sparkle points for that.
I chose a Theme of the Month (the decision revealed itself to me) and it’s Comfort. The word of the year is Rest, and lack of comfort interferes with rest, so this month I’m going to be all about comfort.
Comfort! F#@& yeah!
Happy End-of-Month Wishing Chicken Thingy!
Oh, wow what beautiful wishes.
My One Big Wish now is that The Dude get a job. He has been called by a recruiter from the Place I Just Left. Not for a contractor providing them with workers, from the Place. He had a phone interview. It would be One for the Books if They hired him. I told him I’d bequeath him my carpool people.
Wants – the Living the Smile T-shirt and music that sounds like sparklepoints. Find the charging cord for music.
Sovereignty today. I am wearing my Impresario Hat that I got at the Playground to an event that specified that people wear crowns they have made. Sparklepoints for Being Different even if it Flouts the Directive!
Want Ads answered – new mouse and earbuds and a clock for the computer room. thanks to retirement gifts.
Wow! My new roles as Soprano and Choir Librarian, for which I got a round of applause from the choir.
New shoes. Not a metaphor.
Bree, from whose fingers Lightning flashed (not a metaphor), setting up the system so I can do this from my Comfy Chair and can get e-books.
Goodbye, Front Yard Niggle and Iguana! Yes, yes, I see the other Yard Iguanas, you other Yard Niggles.
A letter from Galina with contact information. Now is not Then, and she has No Claim on me. Safety first. I can investigate without committing. Anything.
Hard – The Sunday after the Saturday below, a Hot, Painful Poem of Woe.
Things Is Tight. Things are taking their Own Sweet Time. Making the Best of Things. Making Do. Living on Less.
Good – Living the Smile is my code for retirement, replacing Gallivanting for Fun and Profit.
Saturday, we were at the foot of Mt. Baldy smelling the cool pine-scented air, watching the squirrel, chipmunk and bird show.
Colorado D. says, “An A turns any Place into a Palace.”
Having the artist staffing the desk at an exhibition that included a piece by Suvan Geer ask if I was there to set up my work for the upcoming Fashionista exhibit. Ha Ha! The Power of Looking Like an Artist!
Lower gas prices, lower temperatures.
Booking my Birthday Present.
Big bubbles. Not a metaphor.
I didn’t want to close the book on Deconstruction/Congruence and move into Glowing. The Planner, Mr. Pert-Gantt, PMP arranged it so Glowing doesn’t start until October 15!
What I will try next time – Make sure I have written instructions with me, so I’m not guessing about The Plan.
Chicken hugs!
Sparklepoint theme music! I am going to look for some right now.
An A turns any place into a palace-i absolutely love this!!
Happy Chicken, everyone.
The Hard:
– Got some kind of flu-ish thing and spent two days too nauseous to eat. Plus now am averse to the foods I ate as it started, which is difficult given that I’m allergic to almost all other foods.
– Busy. I am very busy.
– Transportation and scheduling issues are taking over my life in ever more complex ways. “If there’s one car and buses are slow and someone has to get from downtown to Lake Oswego and someone else has to get to Parkrose *with* the car seat and person X is available after four but person Y could maybe start at 4:30…”
– Once more, the whole “life plan” is up in the air and I’m once more judging myself about the whole thing. And trying to “make a decision” instead of letting one emerge.
– Hearing about another college shooting, just as I’m beginning as a college “teacher” – too much resonance and so much sadness.
– Really facing a lot of my own discomfort about racism and privilege and where I stand in it all as a white person. Feeling guilty and out of my depth.
– Learning to ground from my root instead of my brain. There’s a lot of unsteadiness (of all kinds) and pain (mostly physical) involved in this transition. Part of the bottom of my foot actually ripped itself open, for instance, right along a meridian. It’s progress, but I’m needing to work on gentleness, as always. This also means “doing” from a completely different mindset. Or rather bodyset. There’s more energy there but it’s hard for my mind to trust it.
– i need to stop breastfeeding next week so I can take heavy-duty medications. It’s been almost three years, and I’ve always said I didn’t particularly enjoy it, but I have all the feelings about stopping. Not to mention how the kiddo feels.
The Good:
– I LOVE TEACHING. So very very much. I’m not great at it (yet), but this figuring out how to better help my fluffy little 19-year-olds (ahem, newly-minted adults) is a fascinating and rewarding thing to think about in basically every waking moment.
– I’m also right up against my learning edge on collaboration, which isn’t something I really know how to do. Dominate, yes. Submit, sure. Do my own thing? My preference almost always. But collaboration is a new exploration and I’m excited to try it.
– Coming from a new energy means this quarter is one thousand million times calmer than last quarter (at least so far), despite the addition of 20 hours of teaching/prepping/meeting with students out of class to the week. And, like, the hardest class I’ve ever taken, which should be listed at so much more than 4 credits.
– Amazing news at the doctor’s. We are 80% certain of the two big things wrong with me, and both should be radically improve-able in the next four to six months. Hope!
– Kiddo randomly recited the ABCs almost perfectly. She’s known from Q onward for forever, but I didn’t even know she was working on the first half. She’s so much fun. Still switches identities every few seconds – definitely the Pisces Moon shining through. Last night she was her dad and I was her and he was me, which was a bit hard on this literal-minded Virgo, but I kept up okay.
– Overall, I slept so well this week. It’s been awesome.
Those are some hard hards. A breath for ease and light.
The Hard:
Trying to make the snobby and judgmental part of my brain shut off when there is a lovely man talking to me. It’s the Monster that sounds like my mother, I think: “He isn’t smart in the same way you are and therefore he is dumb.” I know this monster is trying to keep me safe and well cared for but I’ve sent it off to a playroom with some books where it can not worry about me. I gave it a little window, though, so it could see the person’s heart and the exclamation points he used when I texted to ask him if he’d want to go out. (A billion sparklepoints for bravery.)
The Good:
“Hey! What’s up! Yeah sure!” A breath for enthusiastic assent.
Recognizing the snobby judgmental part of my brain and remembering that now is not then, and that I can quiet that monster down.
Possibly having a date tonight. One that doesn’t make me want to cancel and hide but instead makes me want to puke in a good way.
The prospect of kissing a lovely man in his truck which is one of the all time best things ever.
Exclamation points!!! Kiss prospects!! Bravery!!! Yay :)))
Possible date turned into actual date which turned into 20 hours of loveliness!
Sparklepoints all around!
omgyessss!
The good, which is sort of overwhelming a lot of the bad:
Operation Safe, Beautiful, Comfortable, Mine is starting to actually look possible!
*kermit flails*
Those are some flail worthy qualities! Yay!
Chicken! <3
A hard thing: I kind of botched something yesterday, and of course my brain keeps poking at *that* instead of the many many things I did beautifully. (What if the botch was also beautiful? Radical thought!)
A good thing: An all-day, potentially draining event got rained out, leaving me with some much-needed quiet time at home.
I now invoke the superpower of Always An Artist!
Always an Artist! I am Arting right now! (Okay, I’m letting the oil soak into the wood & typing, but there’s Art!)
This salve was the perfect salve at the perfect moment. Thank you. *leaves hearts and pebbles*
Hi there chickeneers,
The unpleasant stuff:
– Spent one day vomitting every two hours, it was just yuk.
– We had an important thing coming up at work and boss was utterly stressed. He did not aim any of his stress outbursts at me or my colleagues but the general vibes were tense and I am not good working in an energy net that is weaved of tension.
– People watching videos without using headphones while on a train.
– Whenever I start a process of cleaning and decluttering I feel I get so grumpy when I am half way through it because it seems it will never be finished.
The good stuff:
– I guess vomitting is also a form of release. And when not throwing uo I succumbed to deep sleep and despite being sick and feeling lousy it was somehow cosy to be in bed.
– We had someone with us who is a living legend in my field of work. Such a privilege to meet this person.
– 2 hours on the phone, a really imtimate discussion, nourishing female solidarity. A breath for feeling connected.
– An utterly pleasant evening in the company of people I hardly know but who all work in the same field as I do. Again a breath for feeling connected.
– So glad I discovered Mari Kondo thanks to reading this blog. Almost everything in her book works for me and my place and I am in the middle of the most thorough decluttering process in my life and am joyfully getting rid of stuff and am welcoming the lightness that it brings.
Cluck cluck cluck
The hard:
– too many committees! everyone needing a slice of my time!
– the %$^$&&&$$££ photocopier!
– mornings are getting dark, and my sunrise alarm clock broke
The good:
– excellent progress on [mermaid project]
– LIZZIE ARMITSTEAD!
The good:
Autumn! Everything sort of sparkles with autumnness. Everything seems special because these things are happening or existing in autumn.
Things have just sort of clicked into place. I don’t know how or why, but they have. All the overwhelm and stress I’ve been feeling for months has disappeared. My goal of Thriving Harmony is happening. I don’t know what made this happen. It’s like the world shifted.
My schedule coordinated with my cycle and I got some guilt-free luscious delicious rest, just listening to my body and drinking tea and reading a fantastic book. It was like all the good parts of being sick–tea, soup, toast, rest, reading, looking out the window, being in the moment–without all the coughing and sniffling and headacheyness.
Worked on an autumn story in a caboose park full of flowers, watching the foggy bay and the trains go by. Yay! Creativity and sweetness and presence.
The bad:
Well, things weren’t perfect, but I’ve got nothing to complain about. Maybe I’ll eat healthier in the coming week. Maybe I’ll write more. Maybe I’ll get more sleep. But last week I had the goal of smalls steps toward being congruent, and I achieved that.
Ola Chickeners! Sending love, hearts, sparklepoints to all this week.
The Hard:
– M.E. relapse continues & worsens.
– I agreed to dog-sit for close friends whose dog is dying and needs a LOT of care, but I wasn’t very well either, and both me and the dog had a pretty crappy time. Big breath for both of us.
The Good:
– Sitting in my garden in the sun, because yay I have a lovely garden, and it’s been sunny all week!
– No physical energy made me sit still and think about what I might be able to do if I have to sit still forever, and I started writing again!
This week’s salve is wonderful thank you, and I will have it in bubble bath, spray-mist, and ice-cream form please!
<3<3<3
Yeah! Chicken! Whoa!
This has been a [week] of shifts, of pushing and permissioning and liminality and all sorts of other weird shit. The hards have been SO FUCKING HARD and the sweetness has been SO FUCKING SWEET and I’m exhausted but not nearly as exhausted as I was before the Nap Vortex, and, yeah, here we go, here we are, here we have it.
Breathing for the tangles, the rough spots, the banana peels.
+Breathing for the Pegasus Blue mission. Breathing for the unbelievably stressful trip to Binocular Central. Breathing for being called the wrong name. Breathing for stupid fucking gender segregated bathrooms. Breathing for 3 month long waiting lists. Breathing for my body trying to shake out the shit in the room with no windows. Breathing for all the mes that didn’t want to do this in the first place. Breathing. Breathing.
+Breathing for the Ciudad Applejack mission. Breathing hope that it will turn around. Breathing okayness for it maybe not working. Breathing for the future convergence. Breathing for the hat rack.
+Breathing for the [me who wishes I could do a thing that requires more spoons than I seem to reliably have]. Yes. What a beautiful wish.
+Breathing forgiveness for The Me Who [Gorf]’d. Breathing for All Timing is Right Timing.
+Breathing for the sadness of [Raisin Heart]. Breathing for the emptiness, the bucketness, the past-me-who-thinks-it-should-be-not-this-way.
+Breathing for the Fallmax that keeps not obeying the geometry I thought was permanently integrated into my System of Crocodilia. Oy! Frustrating! Also, relatedly, breathing for the shmrpfiness of the Ingredients. Bleh! Wishing this were different, what a beautiful wish.
+Breathing for [silent retreat]. SIGH sigh sigh sigh.
+Breathing for [this week is an anniversary of bad, lots of hard because of that]
+Breathing for the broken water bottle that had to Go. Breathing for how sad that was/is, and how utterly senseless for it to have to Go that way. Blah!
+Breathing for the me who [silent retreat!]. Also blah! Bigger blah! The biggest!
+Breathing for [Swamp Thing Everywhere auaaauuauaagggggh!!!!].
+Breathing for Agent Beady Eyes and how ze hasn’t answered my email and I really want zim to answer my fucking email please. Breathing for remembering that ze is not obligated to answer email, at all, ever, just like everyone else. Breathing for I don’t know what’s up. Breathing for BUT THIS IS IMPORTANTTTTTT.
And breathing for the donuts, the rainbows, the glittery symphonies!
+Breathing for Magic Happy Wonderful Quaker Retreat Weekend! Breathing for the safety, the warmth, the love, the realness, the hot buttered epiphanies! Breathing for the thing I thought was going to suck that turned out to be wonderful! Breathing for the thing I thought was going to suck that turned out to suck but not quite as much as I thought it was going to suck! Breathing for the smoothness, the possibilitiness, the dreamseedness! Yes. Breathing. It is okay. I am okay. I am the okayest.
+Breathing for Operation Huggapumpkin (aka Operation Space Waffles)! Breathing for the smoothness of the transition from Operation Dragonwings. Breathing for the magic rainbow ladder (aka the magic rainbow box of chocolate XD). Breathing for MEEEEEEE.
+Breathing for Operation Tetris Tree! Breathing for forward motion in the direction of Ciudad Seaside! Breathing for that convergence. Breathing for how excited I am. Breathing for the [EATP@LU]. Breathing for Agent Klingon and Agent Mitochondria and Agent Silverlox. Yeah. Yeah!!!
+Breathing for Point Dreamseed. Breathing for how it is unfolding in its very own time. Breathing for presence (presents!) Breathing for the points and the dreams and the seeds. Yes.
+Breathing for Biblio All Over. YES!
+Breathing for my new friend Agent Radio. How cool that we are friends now! Yay! Yay!
+Breathing for resilience. So much superpower. Yeah.
+Breathing for Agent RH being there when I need hir. This is what [rhbfness] is, yeah? Yeah.
Bathing in Hope. Rolling around in leaf-piles of it. Eating it like tiny candies one after another after another. Yes. Yes. Yes.
And my fake band of the week is: Green Bean Bandit Face! (You announce the name of this band by singing its name to the tune of I Am Ironman. OF COURSE.)
Long time no chicken. Cluckity.
Some difficult things….
* I made unsovereign decisions out of love. This is never sustainable. A breath for letting the lesson land.
* Energy available and energy requested by my life set-up differ. A breath for the constant shortfall.
* Not infrequently this shortfall leads to me being snappy, bitchy, mean or shouty with my kids. A breath for the kid inside me who thinks this is necessary to ensure we survive and the adult inside me who is learning to stay at the front of the V.
* Things. I have a lot of things and I would like them to all have a home. Nearly all of them spark joy, but not all of them have a home. A breath for the process being a *process* and not a destination.
Some lovely things……
* My kids are cute and mostly lovely. A breath for the intensity and sanctity of stewardship.
* Spring has sprung 😀 A breath for warmth and blossoms and quickening.
* I have released the idea I had deeply absorbed that unless I am, like, FAMOUS in my field (whatever field that might be) I am not living up to my potential. That belief was a drag even if it used to be motivating, given that I’m not nor does it seem likely that I will be. A breath for de-colon-ising my mind. (My mind being the incorrect organ for housing that kind of crap! Geddit??)
* I like reciprocity. It feels good to me. A breath for connection and flow.
That’ll do. Chicken out. xoxoxo