Hello, chicken: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 381st week in a row we are chickening here together….
What worked this week?
The Iguana Liberation Front
Iguana is code for anything I don’t feel like doing — usually iguanas are things I’ve been avoiding, they often lurk inside of piles which is why piles are not fun.
I realized this week that the iguanas and I have a shared mission: to be liberated from fear-dread-guilt shackles. And so I joined the Iguana Liberation Front, an imaginary organization that supports iguanas in leaving their current hideouts in my workspace and procuring safe passage back to iguanaland where they may roam free forever, amen.
Turns out I am much more motivated to give twenty-three minute segments of my time to [things that have been stuck] if I imagine I am part of a quiet revolution, dismantling the hierarchies-that-be through releasing guilt and helping iguanas find their way to freedom.
Next time I might…
Remember November.
It’s not just the November Glums at the beginning of the month, and the early darkness. It’s what happens energetically when North America goes into holiday mode, and everyone is girding themselves for travel and wildly unsovereign family gatherings.
The collective cultural energy of this time of year is very heavy and exhausting, for me, and I need to remember that this is a thing so that I can be extra-conscious to separate out and not carry any of it.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Oh Okay Fine, My Clothing Is Leopard-Print Everything: A Woman In Her Late 30s
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Paris. Let us have a breath for Paris. A breath of deeply grounded internally-rooted presence so that we can glow light.
- It is so hard in these painful times to not take on the pain of the world. And it is vitally important for me to remember that joining in the collective wobbliness does not serve anyone involved, including me. The answer to wobbliness is steadiness and steady love, and the secret to steadiness is permission, acknowledgment and legitimacy for the wobbliness and the pain. A breath for being a tall sturdy oak, and for breathing love through steadiness.
- Tuesday was just a massive meltdown, and it was not fun. I disconnected and forgot truth and really believed that Everything Was Wrong. A breath of compassion for me who got triggered and forgot. So much love and understanding for her! Shedding isn’t easy, and meltdowns are part of life.
- I am feeling bittersweet (ha!) about the chocolate shop closing next month. I don’t want to own a chocolate shop anymore but I also feel almost unbearably sad at the thought of this historic chocolate shop becoming a store-room. A breath for trust in my yes, right timing, the truth of Everything Ends.
- Speaking of everything ends, still/again deep grief-denial about the boy being gone, lost in this loop of knowing he can’t come back but still some part of me who can’t comprehend wants to know when does he back and why isn’t he coming back, and I don’t know what to tell her. Waves of sorrow. A breath for love, which just is. And a breath of thank you for the treasure of our fourteen months of sweetness and all the sweetness that is and will be.
- All this endless work stuff makes me long for shmita, and not sure how to get back. A breath for new doors.
- The familiar pain of vastly overestimating how much I am capable of getting done. A breath for remembering that the Game is Rigged, and I have been trained to overestimate.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- The November Glums have not reappeared, it really was just a brief thing, delight! A breath for this.
- Tonight is the sixth consecutive night going out dancing (mostly blues/fusion with some waltz and west coast), and then more dancing tomorrow. This is part of my November mission/adventure of Glow More, and I am enjoying myself so much more than I’d anticipated, especially given how much this involves Trying New Things. A breath for the healing joy-treasure of dance, movement and connection.
- A life-changing dance lesson with Jen on the topic of How To Relax (last week’s salve!), and I am so excited about how this connects to my other missions. Oh, and I got to dance with Marjorie again, and she makes me weak in the knees. It is all I can do to maintain minimal gracefulness, especially when I follow something tricky and she says “niiiiiiiiiiiiice” in my ear. Steamy joy breath.
- I planned twelve days of beautiful running away in December, where there will be sun and sweetness and even more dancing, and could not be happier about this. Everything is easier knowing that this exists for me. A breath of thank you.
- A laughter-filled evening of urban adventuring that included crashing a wedding that wasn’t a wedding. A breath for play and its magical healing powers.
- I immediately came up with a possible solution to something that appeared in the form of Very Bad News, and while I don’t know if this is the answer, I like how wonderfully not-worried I am about the seemingly bad news because I feel the truth in my heart, so I know that it’s not bad news at all, even if I don’t know for sure what comes next.
- Treasure in my life in the form of home-made soup, texting with Marisa, my smiling waltz circle companions, being a grand adventuress in spirit and occasionally in deed, sweet loving words from far away, the best cheesy dance aerobics, happy hour, warm orange sweater, favorite winter scarf. A hand-on-heart breath of wonder for the good in my life
- Thankfulness. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Operations completed and forward movement!
Working on phase II of the Fountaining op is good to go, Ruby Jewel (not actually a jewel) is good to go except for one thing, and I took three steps towards Sweet Honey and Shed Shed Shed. Panther Time is on the docket. Thank you, fractal flowers.
I now bestow upon myself a quintillion sparklepoints, like a Fairground Stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the superpower of total trust in right timing, and oh wow, I had this all week!
Powers I want.
I want even more of last week’s Not Caring What Other People Think, and I want to remember my glow.
The Salve of Remembering My Glow
When I still had the Playground, my retreat center, often just walking in the door was enough to recalibrate my glow-field. I’d sit on the floor, soak up the glow, and then my glow was just there.
It is so easy to forget, and yet, here’s the trick, it is also so easy to remember, and that’s what this salve is for.
This salve comes with an applicator, a slender silver wand with a hand at the end. Dip it into the salve and then write the word GLOW on the palm of each hand. Do it. Feel what happens.
Let the tingly sensation grow and glow and spread. Kiss the palms of your hands and place them on your cheeks, feel the glow develop and envelop you.
Write GLOW on your heart. Feel the jewels in the palms of your hands, soles of your feet, diamonds on the soles of your shoes, like in the song but better. Breathe light in your heart now.
This salve makes this happen effortlessly, and when you use it, you not only remember your glow, you remember to pause and to cultivate your glow. You remember that your glow is unique, that being in it is healing for both you and everyone you encounter. Your glow is enough. The salve just reminds you of the truth of that, and lights some sparks that weren’t visible before.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band:
The Wedding Crashers Limited (Unlimited)
Their latest album is Mambo #777, and, of course, it’s just one guy.
ANNOUNCEMENT!
I was supposed to close down the Flash Sale while Richard was in Europe and I forgot! Which means you can stil come to our Flash Sale! The password: sweetdoors
As you know if you’ve hung out here for a while, we offer things pretty rarely, and they are always amazing, so come spark with us!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Chickens ahoy!
This weeks’ hard:
– Paris. The sadness of hate. Children (and adults) not knowing or not accepting love.
– One contact lens still not fitting properly. A third version on order. Eye hurts. Vision with glasses gets blurry while I wait. Not good to drive at night. Early darkness more annoying.
– Early darkness may also be involved with a spending spree in a local business that is closing soon. Implication of ” … time to store up for the winter.” Ouch.
– Perpetually stuffy nose. Fighting off colds and/or thinking about whether a cold is coming that will need to be countered.
This week’s good:
– Found a great gift for upcoming wedding shower.
– Cousin’s 2nd daughter passed her Board exam and now officially has her license as a Doctor of Physical Therapy after three hard years of study including ADD testing accommodations. So proud of her! My heroine of persistence!
– The spree has demonstrated a budget would be a very good idea to support safety and freedom no matter how boring it sounds! This is good! (Must find a metaphor so I don’t have to use that blah name.)
– Experimental approach to improving a weekly chore was about 80% successful. Will tweak and try again next week.
Thank you, chickens. Thank you, chickeneers.
“Budget” was once a slang term for mouth or speech — opening your budget meant opening your mouth and speaking out of turn or saying things that it wasn’t your place to day. When someone talks about the budget, I get a mental image of a mouth with lips *pursed*.
Oh, that’s helpful! Thanks!
<3 I am glowing my glow into the sometimes dark world, and practicing trust that steady presence may be of service.
A lot of good things have happened for me this week. The ongoing challenge, for me, is finding ways to integrate ease and peace and lightness into times of busy-ness. The exciting thing is, I have a sense that this is actually beginning to happen. I like *integrating* better than *balance*, which is what I attempted to do for years. This feels more like… alchemy. I think I'm on to something.
Meanwhile, I am lighting little sparklers of gratitude for coffee and tea and music and words and people who love me and people I love, and this week's salve, and dismantling all hierarchies that need to be dismantled. Merci. Grazie. Todah. Thank you. <3
This was a good week!
The hard:
– Driving in the darkness in an unfamiliar place, missing my turn, unable to backtrack — feeling like the roads were randomly relocating themselves.
– Not knowing where things were and being given confusing directions when I stopped to ask.
– Fierce cold winds and not having my coat.
The good:
– MrB saw three of his specialists this week; good reports from all of them.
– I made the phone calls that have been sitting on my list for weeks.
– A break. I had days of solitude and time to do creative activities.
– A favorite museum.
– Safe travels for me.
– Safety at home for MrB and Bro
– Good food.
– Home is a lovely place to be.
If you are the person who used to comment as Vicki B, I’ve been wondering how you and Mr B were doing. (Posted a comment asking if anyone knew a few days ago.)
If not, well, please disregard. 🙂
Hello — yes, she is the same person, and I believe that she recently posted a direct reply to the comment in which you asked how she and MrB have been doing. 🙂
Oops, didn’t see that (obvs). Thanks for heads up.
The familiar pain of vastly overestimating how much I am capable of getting done. A breath for remembering that the Game is Rigged, and I have been trained to overestimate.
First just let me say AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH because yes this.
Secondly I have gotten slightly better at estimating how much I can do in a day (& also how much is a good idea to do in a day, which is not the same thing).
Thirdly I SCHEDULED TOO MUCH FOR TODAY ANYWAY but I am blowing off the stuff that was too much for today LIKE A FAIRGROUND STRIPPER.
& then there was hot chocolate, & it was good.
Samedi shalom!
What worked? The pajama pants. The Montreal jam jar. The postcard stamps I packed, which worked out to exactly the number of cards I ended up wanting to send minus one — and for that last card I’d wanted to use a vegetable stamp anyway because of a conversation about pickles, so that was perfect too. The empty water bottle I filled at the LaGuardia water fountain. Packing only what I could read physically comfortably in the middle seat.
Next time? Less researching; more attention. Less scheduling; more cushioning.
The superpower of staying dry. To protect my glow and savoir faire.
Hard, daunting, and such:
* People dear to me hurting, grieving, struggling…
* The rose cuttings aren’t looking too good after my week-plus away.
* Cracked heels, itchy elsewheres
* I just stepped on a wasp while barefoot. The wasp fared worse than me, but eek.
* Do I have time to go to a picnic *and* complete [A] to my satisfaction?
* Am I delusional about [B], given that after 6+ years I still don’t have a handle on [C]?
* Dishwasher funk. Gross.
Good, (ful)filling, satisfying:
* Past Me had stocked the pantry with clams, pulpo, spicy sauce, and angel hair. I wanted seafood pasta when I got home. Yay!
* I had saved the white wine in the jam jar to use as a vinegar substitute someday, but somehow it had become just right for sipping this evening.
* Ripe tomatoes and peppers greeting me from the library patch.
* Delightful cards from Rae and other beloveds.
* The YO/OY sculpture by the river.
* The older couple by the river whose wedding or engagement photos were being taken — she in a floral party frock and short cape that reminded me of an Eastern European princess, and he in a kilt and jacket. And further down the path, another couple being photographed, the bride in jeans and a black shirt with shiny lettering. The just-rightness of both.
* And a few neighborhoods away, our newlywed friends talking about the nonheteronormative logic puzzles they constructed for the kids at their celebration.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
The salve is just-right. Thank you!!!
The Hard:
Silent Retreat
Silent Retreat 2: The Retreatening
Silent Retreat 3: The Return of the Retreat.
Silent Retreat 4: The Final Treat.
The Good:
Feeling resilient.
Spending time with different people.
Friday night restorative yoga class. And then wine.
Spending time with the Boy as friends and laughing. Despite the brief weirdness when an old man pointed at me and said (in what he thought was his quiet voice but was not) to him “do you two date?” and then we both looked down and mumbled no and later I wished that I had just held my head up and smiled and said “no.”
The hard:
– oh, this world, this world, this world.
– and people not seeing how hating only makes it worse.
– I get so tired these days
– and now I’m paying attention I notice it more
The good:
– my lovely ex-colleagues. This time two years ago I was worried I’d never see any of them again, and now some of them work in the same building as me, and the others turn up at least twice a year
– [work thing] went really, really well. Better than I thought it could possibly have done.
– *sees CommentLuv* Purple Prose! It is happening, hurrah!
– excellent fun weekend with Nicky and co., looking at shinies and playing raucous games and stroking cats and singing songs to hats
Hello, chicken!
“The familiar pain of vastly overestimating how much I am capable of getting done. A breath for remembering that the Game is Rigged, and I have been trained to overestimate.”
Omg, this. To the word.
The salve is gorgeous, and I want to write GLOW on my palms with glitter pen so I keep remembering it throughout the day.
Love for the people of Paris, Beirut and all the other places in the world that need it right now.
Challenges
~~~~~~~~~~~~
– Work related situation that keeps coming up with different people, and the entire structure bothers me because it’s putting me in a place of zero control, and the only reason I still agree to it is because I “need the money”. I see it as a temporary thing, but I don’t know for how long I will still accept it. I want a more empowered place to be in, and fear of losing the money I’m getting this way is keeping me stuck.
– Dear women near me having terrible time with their male, domineering, unstable boss figures. I see the pattern, but don’t know how to help other than say “I’m really sorry, that shit sucks, and you know, you might want to look into that pattern”. It’s also a situation of 50% yes that makes people say “yeah it sucks, BUT the job itself is good” and I see how it relates to the point before, though thankfully I no longer have an asshole boss (except if I count myself as such).
– The situations above so obviously linked, along with my own parents issue. I was wondering where I was still holding pain, blame and resentment and how I needed to see these conflicts outside of me that symbolize my inner conflict. Realization about how I cut all emotional ties so as not to be vulnerable to them again, and so I don’t feel the pain of not being understood or supported. I don’t yet know how to love a person and not be sensitive to their opinions of me.
– I wanted this “finish work before lunch” thing (which depends on me getting up earlier, didn’t happen), and ended with “work until 8pm” on most days. Sigh.
– I want to finally sell some of my old original art to clear room for the new, but the logistics and cost of shipping it abroad scare me. And also the idea that no one will actually want to buy it. Unsure how to proceed with this op.
Celebrations:
~~~~~~~~~~~~
+ My mojo is finally (sort of) back, and not a minute too early. It’s comforting to know other people also go through these creative ebbs and flows, because I used to think I’m broken.
+ Progress on one big project! Also the client was extra gracious and understanding when she had every right not to be, and I’m so grateful to do business with people who accept that I’m a human being with my own needs and issues. More of this, please!
+ Yesterday was game night, and it was way more fun than I anticipated. Also, Story Cubes is the best game ever, especially for those who love stories and I’m so happy to own a set (go check it out!) It was hilarious and my jaw hurt from laughing so much.
And it was revealed that all the young women present at the table have some pretty disturbing thoughts about babies. Not your bedtime story material!
+ It’s amazing and funny how each time I “take a break from art” there’s an opportunity thrown just at my feet and I’d be silly not to pick it up. And so now I’m creating again, just for fun, and I’ll see where that takes me.
+ Grateful for all the insights I got from processing parents issue, and especially insights on honesty and hiding the truth. That was pretty huge and very valuable.
+ Adding a magic touch to my workspace seems to have helped with being more willing to do work there. Also moving my morning practice from dining table to my work desk and so infusing it with awareness, compassion and self acceptance.
WOW you guys, I got COMPLETELY overwhelmed = giant breakdown this morning thinking about how hard The Game Is Rigged and how deeply and in how many different ways.
Here’s a breath for Trust, and for remembering that Noticing the Pattern is Changing the Pattern, and for remembering I am not alone.
<3