Hello, Friday Saturday: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 379th week in a row we are chickening here together….
What worked this week?
Changing the names.
I changed “back to square one” to “back to square miracle”.
Then the magic of anagrams helped me transform one thing into another.
Like when I had to write an autoresponder message, aka something I will do pretty much anything to avoid. Guess what?! The word Autorespond anagrams to Around Poets, Sundae Troop, Donut Operas, and A Postured No! This made me laugh, and then I was able to just write the exact thing that needed to be written.
Next time I might…
Remember how much it helps to laugh.
The anagram generator helped, as did making up ridiculous dance moves, once I remembered that these are always options.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
If The Resting Step In An Obscure Scandinavian Dance Is The Polka, All You Can Do Is Laugh
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Missing, missing, missing, and the ever-widening absence distance. The person who is so far away texted me: “running my hands gently through your hair, tracing a line with my finger across your cheek to your mouth, sweet on you”, and I cried. A breath for my sweet heart, for longing, for breathing my way through with love.
- Panic! Got triggered at a bus stop, body freaked out, took the entire day to get my ground back. A breath for this.
- I have the Glums. Finding myself in a glum state that is hard to describe, but I think is partly seasonal. For years, my housemate and I had a halloween ritual of watching Tim Burton’s beautiful halloween-lovestory, Nightmare Before Christmas, and eating popcorn in the dark. Now he spends halloween with his girlfriend, and I am at this odd crossroads of not wanting to go out into the world but also not wanting to be alone at home. Last year, the beautiful boy and I spent halloween in each other’s arms, in bed in the dark, marveling over this miracle of closeness and sweetness, so close and so sweet. I thought this should be the new halloween tradition and he said, “I can’t wait for next year with you to do this again”, and now it is here and he is far away, and I am so sad. Let’s have a breath for this, and for remembering there are many possible new traditions, and many possible ways to have sweetness, and that sweetness is a quality of soul, and therefore always mine and cannot be lost.
- These short days, getting shorter. Maybe one day I will live somewhere with more light, or maybe one day I will learn to welcome the hibernating. Right now it is hard for me. A breath for this, and for the week in the sun in December-me that last-month lovingly planted for future-me and for me-now to look forward to with hope and joy.
- The big projects are still completely overwhelming, and there is no one to help me, and I need someone there with me while I puzzle things out. A breath for remembering my deep roots.
- Missing shmita life. A breath for trust.
- I’m thinking a lot about the tremendous waste this business of halloween generates, and it is a business. Just in the US, we spend 8 billion dollars a year on halloween candy, costumes and decorating, most of which goes to landfill. Candy wrappers can’t be recycled because they’re made of mixed materials. And kids in my neighborhood often use plastic bags or pumpkin-shaped buckets for trick-or-treating instead of the pillow cases we used in my day, and apparently — and again, this statistic is limited to the United States, so it’s way worse than this — we throw 100 BILLION plastic bags into landfill each year, according to World Watch. 85% of textile waste here goes to landfills, and halloween costumes are cheap, flimsy, often made of plastic or with plastic accessories, and rarely get reused. And even pumpkins are worth thinking about. Of 1.1 billion pounds of pumpkins (thanks, national agricultural statistics service), most get used for decoration/carving, and then dumped. It seems pumpkins do not break down well in landfills because there isn’t oxygen, I doubt most people are composting, though I did read a hilarious suggestion to donate them to a local zoo because apparently lions are crazy for pumpkin? Anyway, the point is, we live in a culture that has conditioned us to generate waste, not question how things are done or why they are done that way, and this is a heart-breaking thing. Let’s find a better way. A breath for a better way.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- While sweetness from far-away makes me cry, it also eases the loss and absence. A breath of gratitude for the treasure in this.
- Many, many not-good states of both body and mind can be solved by extremely delicious Egyptian food and talking to a dear friend about life. A breath for the truth of this.
- Finished TWO giant projects and one smaller one, all of which had been suspended in Maybe Someday, and this feels so good. A breath of relief!
- Dance solved everything this week. I took Nomi to the portland swing dance club dance, and it was so much fun. The Wednesday dance, which is hit or miss, was full of joy and creative play and wonderfully connected dances. Thursday, I went to two dances, both of which were just breathtaking and awe-inspiring, and my whole being is filled with love for dance and for the pleasure of play. Oh, and for the first time ever in a dance workshop, I was chosen by the instructor to be in the video recap, that was new and exciting, and I’m not sure why it didn’t terrify me, but it didn’t. A breath of thank-you for everything that brought me to dance.
- I made delicious food this week — for myself — with quality ingredients, and had the superpower of perceiving that I am Well-Provisioned. And I took pleasure in simple nourishing meals, like Forbidden Rice with sauteed onions, mushrooms and steamed sweet peas, made with love and presence, and just so much more pleasurable than I was expecting. A breath of thank-you.
- So excited about the 2016 fluent self calendar!!!! Each year I wonder how we are going to out-do the last one, but this is just magnificent. The Year Of Doors! Doors and Double-Meanings. Delight delight delight. A breath for all this smiling and the profusion of exclamation points.
- I am so fortunate in so many ways. Kind, supportive friends. Legs that hold me up. The treasure of having the time to think about all the things I am thinking about. A warm home. A hand-on-heart breath of wonder for the good in my life
- Thankfulness. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Operations completed and forward movement!
The first phase of the Fountaining op is good to go, Ruby Jewel (not actually a jewel) is happening, huge progress on Sweet Honey, Shed Shed Shed, and Panther Time. Thank you, fractal flowers.
I now bestow upon myself a quintillion sparklepoints, like a Fairground Stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the superpower of 120% YES, which is the superpower of warmly and lovingly clearing out all the things from my life that are only partial-yes, and this is getting easier for me.
I also had the power of asking for a ride home.
Powers I want.
I want the superpower of Not Caring What Other People Think, and the power of remembering that Now Is Not Then.
The Salve of Small But Meaningful Changes
This is a salve of shift, and it works through small movements and small miracles.
When you rub it into your skin, everything softens, and suddenly your powers of discernment are so much more palpable, in all ways.
You recognize exactly which conversations you don’t need to have, you know the right place to move the vase, you fold a blanket and it changes the entire room, you take a breath of SUSTENANCE and the field around you changes.
You know what needs your time and attention (and it might not be what you think, for example, maybe a healing regrounding pedicure is suddenly at the top of your list), and what doesn’t. You see through the rigging. You make steady choices, and let what you already know become so beautifully clear.
This is a secret gratitude salve and a secret Stand In Your Strength salve, and it has power and smells faintly of lemongrass.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from CQ:
A Momentary Vortex of Whine.
Their latest album is Services Rendered, and, of course, it’s just one guy.
ANNOUNCEMENT!
We have a Flash Sale! Come to our Flash Sale! The password: sweetdoors
As you know if you’ve hung out here for a while, we offer things pretty rarely, and they are always amazing, so come spark with us!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
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“I am at this odd crossroads of not wanting to go out into the world but also not wanting to be alone at home”
Me too! This resonates.
A breath for what is.
Hello, Halloween,
The Hard:
– Cold, dark, rainy.
– This week is possibly the busiest I’ve been in my entire life. And while I received a lot of support for that in the form of childcare and food and empathy, I did not receive other support I was wanting (like: if I am working 12+ hours a day plus homework, and you are not working at all, then YOU clean the bathroom, goddamit.) i.e. I was in my stuff.
– In order to pass a class, I have to interview five or more people in the next week. And in order to schedule those interviews, I had to call three people in one day. And it did not go well and I had my first literal panic attack in quite some time.
– Still having pretty intense social anxiety about the whole thing.
– I have been working so hard because I needed to clear this weekend for spiritual commitments (since I basically don’t have time for homework during the week and a whole weekend off means I need to be a week ahead in all of my classes), and then yesterday I ended up being spectacularly rushed/ungrounded in those commitments and screwing up so often they took hours longer than they were supposed to and I ended up working straight through from 8am until the work started, and the spiritual work lasted until 4am.
– Also, the person who was supposed to help me with the things I’m in charge of at the work forgot or something and so I ended up totally overwhelmed. I need to say something to her about it before Sunday, when I’ll also need her help, but I’m too livid to speak with her cordially. (Though I’m certain she wanted to help and it was just a misremembering or misunderstanding.)
– It’s weird having this intense demanding unbelievably beautiful path and not getting to talk about it in most spaces or with most people. Because like many unbelievably beautiful things it needs to be experienced to be understood (if it can be “understood,” which is an open question). Still I’m always wanting to talk about it and spaces where I can are rare.
– At the work a whole new level of presence came up, and I am not ready for it and so I spent most of the time seeing myself very clearly in a way that was very unpleasant.
The Good:
– My energy came back!! After six years of worsening CFS and a summer spent mostly in bed… The treatments I’m doing (physical, spiritual, emotional) are helping. On Tuesday I got off the bus at the end of the day and came inside and danced with my kid because my body had the energy to do that. It’s, like, the greatest miracle.
– We need another bullet point for this.
– Also, sex came back! In a big and most welcome way. It’s amazing how wonderful life is when one’s second chakra begins to work again.
– I get one thousand million points for calling people, and for working through a big pattern it brought up.
– Even if I was stressed before the work, I showed up and did my part guiding the new people with as much kindness and orientation as I could give them, and this is my right role. Just with more support.
– Not feeling like I’m receiving support is definitely coming up to help me address a pattern, and for that I’m grateful.
– We have four people visiting our spiritual community from another country and they are really amazing. I got to cook and clean for them, since they’re staying with someone who’s just had a baby, and it was an honor. Even if I was kind of comically bad at it. (And even if it was not remotely comical to me at the time.)
– There’s another work this Sunday, and while I may try to fit in some homework in the morning, I also may not and that is fine. No work of any kind today; which is like a soft blanket I’m rolling around in. Also am rolling around in a literal soft blanket.
– In my muggle cover story, I had a real breakthrough with some of my students and I’m excited to keep doing things in this more useful and positive way.
– Having a very specific anxiety trigger (which gave very useful information) threw into relief how little anxiety I experience most of the time these days. Life is just so easy with more grounding and firmness.
– I did such a good job taking care of myself after my panic attack! I was on campus and had to stay there, but I took myself to all the safest most secret places and was as nice as I could be to myself and this helped a lot.
– Was required to go to a talk by Van Jones at my school on environmental justice. Didn’t have a lot of expectations; I was mostly upset it meant I was on campus 14 hours that day. But he was so inspiring, and definitely a secret ally of mine (albeit in a very different part of life.) He’s trying to connect social justice and environmentalism, to convince us there are not disposable things or disposable people. It was a beautiful talk, and it ended early. 🙂
– My costume-obsessed child, who changes identities by the minute, has been waiting for months for Halloween and it is now Hallween and she’s thrilled. Trick or treating begins as soon as chicken moves offstage.
– To sum up: I’m grateful.
We don’t normally get a pumpkin, but this year I bought 4 small gourds to put outside our door. Festive, and they can be composted.
We were hoping to get trick-or-treaters, now that we’ve moved to an apartment complex with lots of kids, but… we’re on the 3rd floor. 20 yrs of disappointment, because growing up Halloween was my favorite day of the year. Not for the candy — for Being Someone Else.
Of course, nowadays i’m just invisible every day.
Tangential encounter with my (estranged) father yesterday. Unsettled but mostly fine until I told Spouse about it. Cried. If only it were possible to interact with my parents without them trying to squish me. But it isn’t.
Watching an odd movie last night with social dancing. Lindy hop described as “West Coast swing” + Something Else. Excitedly told Spouse, “I know someone who does West Coast swing! I’m not actually sure what it is… Looks fun.”
I’ve been watching a lot of choreography in movies lately; it’s a newish interest.
This week–
– A Momentary Vortex of Whine is a great band name!
– I will take some of that salve, please.
The hard:
– not traveling this weekend, missing family I travel to
– plotting to escape trick-or-treaters
– stuckness; sticky energy threads of unattended paper and object piles
The good:
– got tickets for a choral performance tomorrow, includes a piece I have sung before, should be amazing
– not traveling, so I could make the performance
– got fabric to make a cozy winter flannel pillowcase, mmmmmm
– neighborhood halloween decorations please me for a change; the few people who decorated in our block didn’t go overboard, seems less commercial.
– Fluent Self Flash Sale!
Good night, chickens.
Samedi shalom!
What worked this week? selective stubbornness
What might be next? less research, more sleep
I am having flashbacks to dancing polkas during a New Year’s Eve, and yes, there was much laughing, sometimes at there being more polka. I’d like more of the dancing and the polkas.
Hard, vexing, daunting…
* The coughing. The exhaustion. The backlog.
* The horse is fabulous. The misspelling is not. And I’m deeply conflicted about the whole industry anyhow.
* Those fine lines between detailing how freaking much is on my desk(tops) so that I’m doing something about resenting feeling taken for granted vs. not wanting to be seen as a whiner or wimp vs. not wanting other people to pre-emptively decide what I can or cannot handle (especially given the inverse proportion of people who should “impose” and do not vs. the egregiously entitled … navigating those lines feels like doing the polka around tripwires.
* Fits of forgetfulness. Understandable given exhaustion/distraction, but having to go back across town to collect the dry-cleaning I left on the rack is still a yargh.
* Paperwork hijacking an evening I had set aside for watching a movie.
* I would like a whisky toddy right now, but I also just took an ibuprofen.
* Magazine publishers bleating about one’s subscription being on the verge of expiration when the expiration isn’t until March. Good freaking God.
* Missing canopy WTF?
Good, delicious, promising…
* My sweetie may have found the right new space for his shop.
* I like experimenting, and there are plenty of nonalcoholic toddy recipes out there.
* The rose cuttings are still alive, and there are new mint springs emerging out of a tulip bed. And tomatoes nuzzling my ceiling.
* Pajamas. Permission slip to self: search for pajama-comfortable work-appropriate pants.
* The dental x-rays didn’t show anything needing further treatment.
* Requesting the nin jiom pei pa koa (honey-loquat syrup) kept behind the counter was not an ordeal, and sipping it was soothing.
* An accceptance!
* More snow pea greens at the grocery.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Very very thankful for that salve.
Hard: at a gathering of people I love, seeing some painful patterns unfolding, feeling some disappointment and loss around that.
Good: recognition, appreciation, opportunity, diversion, stretching, growth. Oh, and flirtation! Quite unexpected and very fun. I mean, this was decidedly different from any flirting I have ever experienced before, for some important reasons, but I know flirty energy when I’m in it, and oh my this was flirty energy! Delicious. I’d like some more of that, please.
Lighting my Samhain flame, and sending love…
The salve couldn’t be more right on target!
What worked: not carrying, and not caring.
Ie. I didn’t carry a phone on my person all the time and even went out without it accidentally, and it’s so calming to not check, read stuff, obsess if someone wants something from me.
Also, clearing! Energy, space, crystals, schedule, notes… The whooshing sound of unwanted things and memories leaving my life was music for my ears.
The hard:
– So much resistance to work. I process and process and it just isn’t going away. I feel tired and inspired to do only the things that are not about work, or art.
– Spent 3 days in fear of reading email, and when I finally checked, there was nothing to fear.
– I got triggered into a feeling of “I’m sick and tired of being poor”, even though in reality I’m not poor, I have a pretty comfortable life, but there were things that I wanted and I didn’t have the magic beans for them, and I was just so sad that I’m unable to treat myself in the way I want to.
– I may have made an ass of myself in front of a person I respect because I was reacting from hurt that had nothing to do with them (see: above). I hope my apology will be received.
– Clothes with holes in them annoy me, but no magic beans at the moment to buy replacements.
– Still avoiding certain people because I’m feeling conflicted about rekindling our friendship.
The good:
+ Clearing, clearing and so much clearing!
I credit you for inspiring me. I avoided work and went to clear my storage room and threw out so much junk and made room to store things that were cluttering my office and our bedroom.
Now the bedroom is all shiny and sparkly and there’s so much room in it that both me and my partner could do yoga together. Maybe we will, maybe we won’t, but we could.
There’s so much more stuff to get rid of, but this is a start and I can see the difference.
+ Epiphanies that helped so much with my information addiction.
+ Writing and more writing. Words just flow and I’m so happy to see how my writing has changed over the short time that I’ve been writing regularly, almost daily.
+ Staying home and enjoying peace and quiet instead of attending social gatherings I don’t feel excited about. The inner conflict of what to drink if I don’t drink beer, and tap water is not socially acceptable, has solved on its own.
+ I opened a conversation about business with my partner in a way that wasn’t big and threatening for me. It still went into some of the hard topics, like “why are you like that, and not more like me” which is always difficult to hear, but I can deal with it so much better now. Subjective reality to the rescue!
+ I picked an alter ego that doesn’t have all the limitations I seem to have (so I can see the possibilities I cannot see from where I am) and later realized her name means “crazy” in certain Slavic dialects, which is appropriate and funny. My grandmother used to call me that when I did something outrageous. It’s exactly what I need right now.
+ Crystals, my dear crystal friends that I completely neglected since I moved here, but really even longer than that… Just seeing them all makes me appreciate the abundance I do have – all those rocks from different parts of the world, now in my home. Kid me would be shocked to see all this (maybe I should show her). I’m clearing off the dust, putting them out in the open, having them do the work they are here to do: looking gorgeous and radiating their qualities into my space. Thank you, crystals.
+ So much rest this week. So much appreciation for sitting in the sunlight, looking out the window, reading things that inspire me to look within and hear my own needs.
I can’t figure out what superpower to ask for. Maybe there’s something in the other folks’ comments that would fit me as well.
The Hard:
My website got sick and is now offline until it is fixed and that has the monsters crying that we will have no money because no one can find us. I reminded them that google will help people find us anyway until it is back up. But still. And I only noticed because I checked my junk mail folder and there was an email from the website people about it from 2 days ago.
Sending resumes out into the void and getting nothing back. I keep thinking “it’s not be” but after a certain point one starts to think that is is oneself that is the problem.
Lonely for someone to be sweet on, who is sweet on me.
The Good:
Remembered that I can do a small hike and not 10 miles and finding the most beautiful lake 1 mile up the trail. And finishing a good hike while still feeling human.
Spend time with friends, which was much needed and there was lots of laughing.
Saw the Boy and we are back to being friends again which is very welcome. A breath for your right people staying your right people.
Brighter mornings and extra sleep today.
Happy November, wonderful people,
One of those weeks where so much happened that I can’t remember what happened.
Companion Me says we don’t need to think about the whole week if it’s a no. We can just focus on NOW if that feels better.
Hello, Now.
In this moment……
I feel APPREHENSION about many anticipated Future-Hard-Things. Apprehensive Me, hi. it makes perfect sense you are here and I am listening. Let’s be here together and maybe we could talk if you feel ready.
It seems you are (a) anticipating the WORST POSSIBLE THINGS THAT COULD HAPPEN, and (b) imagining that I WON”T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT ALL and will be STUCK. Yes?
I agree with you that (a) can be useful to think about… enough to understand the risks we are taking, and enough to be prepared for them. I completely agree. And we have done that already, VERY thoroughly, about these exact situations! The situations have NOT changed since we last thought them through. I promise. We are already prepared.
I swear to you on the most beautiful sunrise that I am AWARE of the risks and challenges ahead and am READY for them. You have my word.
As to (b), [deep hand on heart sigh for us]. I completely hear you. Yes. I also, do not want to relive the excruciating unprepared-ness and stuck-ness of [X]. That was not fun at all. That was pretty much the opposite of fun. Ah–you also remind me that [Y]. I agree, that was not fun either. And [Z]…
Listen. This is really, really important. NOW IS NOT THEN. We have had a chance to learn from those things that already happened! We know a LOT more about our needs and patterns. We know how to talk to each other. Look – we are fully listening to each other right now, instead of me hiding behind something while you shout at me or vice versa. We know TONS AND TONS more about [this] and have literally DOZENS of tools and strategies. We have an amazing support network that is NOT GOING AWAY, and three safe places to go if we ever need to. We remember how to do magic now. We have the lovely space of this blog……….
If you feel ok with this for now, let’s breathe, and stretch, and continue with the day, and we can talk more anytime we need to.
<3
Ohh Margaret, this was inordinately helpful to read your process of talking to Apprehensive You and how you so beautifully welcomed her! It brings me to tears to have it role modelled so clearly. I fear I have lots of Me’s running around screaming at me and I can’t make sense of it all, much less sit down to talk with them. Yet this shows me pieces of what I can try. Thankyou for sharing your self and your process x
Havi, your delicious creativity in Name Changing also gave me a new strategy that works! It helps me engage in that which I resist (well, some of the time at least *grins*).
This Week’s Grim:
~ The sweet one in whom I was beginning to invest mine energy turned out to be horridly fraudulent and I’m left (again) doubting my judgement. Even in hindsight, I cannot see the clues, so Self Doubt reigns. And this replays the last time I fell in love–three long years ago–when the One that Caressed Mine Heart turned out to be horridly dishonest and I. Could. Not. Tell. Even with hindsight, I saw no clues. Which devastated my trust in My Elf. And now I revisit this scene, though with far less invested in this person, yet of course much invested in Elf Trust. I breaketh mine own Heart *smiles sadly*
~ My sweet, sensitive body is showing signs of not managing such input and it’s been hard.
~ There have been misunderstandings around my health care, triggering my old friend, Shame, as well as sending me to the Land of Overwhelm (which includes a free trip to the Island of Under Self-Advocacy).
The Magic
~ I’m not destroyed! (Hurray for remaining intact!) I’m breathing and not taking on unhealthy beliefs, despite the temptations. I don’t know what’s real but I know that unhealthy distortions are not.
~ I’m being more kind with myself than ever before, just going slowly and gently and allowing what Is
~ I’ve breathed, reoriented myself, and put my EWS at the head of my flock. This includes writing a kind and respectful but forthright letter to two health professionals, seeking clarity and Advocating for My Elf.
~ I made a gentle difference to someone this week and it felt sweet and right and I felt blessed to be able to do so
I crave tenderness and safety right now, so within this, I send out Gentle Tenderness and Big Soft Fluffy Cloudlike Safety to all! Thankyou for your realness, and for your vulnerabilities and strengths! x
floating happily in the Big Soft Fluffy Cloud <3
o
~ o ~
~ such beautiful chickens <3