Hello, week: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 408th week in a row we are chickening here together!
What’s been working?
Setting up my day in terms of Truth and Video Game. This is what I usually call playing in the soft versus working in the hard.
For example, my video game list might include things like “write check to M, get provisions from grocery store, urgent laundry situation, ask person X about thing Y…”
And my truth list is more like “today I want to shimmer and spark, I am practicing wearing the cloak of someone who deeply trusts life, there is plenty of time for what is most important…”
I might try…
I want to remember to keep asking my project what it wants me to know for now, so that I don’t get overwhelmed by all the possible things I could be working on.
Naming the days.
This week was the week of Fierce Independence, and here were the days:
Awake = freedom. Ready to trust life. What is simple. Where ease meets joy. Plenty of time. I hold the light (because I am the light). Clean and clear.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Setting boundaries is my cardio. The Havi Brooks story.
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- My body had so much trouble on a hike. The visiting faraway beautiful cowboy, who always likes to get to the top of a high thing as fast as possible, suggested we climb Hamilton mountain, on the Washington side of the Columbia Gorge. I like pretty views and outdoors and waterfalls and long walks, and I appreciated that he chose something he thought I could do. But then my body just could not do it, and I was tired and kept getting dizzy, and had to sit on the ground and rest literally every five minutes if not more often than that. And oh the agonizing self-judgement and shame that accompanied this even though my body is my body and my only job in life is to meet it where it is with love, and this has been my primary focus for the past eleven years, but guess what, there is a lot of rigging in the rigged game, and so I felt shame about my body for being my body. A breath of love for me in that moment.
- It is incredible how quickly the monster-brigade of self-criticism and comparison can take over the brain in a moment like that. I felt bitterly envious of everyone who blew past us on the trail while I rested and rested and rested some more. Envious of their strong, capable twenty year old legs and their lack of cellulite and their good moods and their ability to keep going. I needed REASONS for why my body couldn’t do what I thought it “should” be able to do, instead of being amazed by what it can do, and does, for me, in every moment of the day. (“Maybe it’s the 90 degree heat, maybe the bottle of wine we drank the night before since I hardly ever drink, maybe-probably iron deficiency again, maybe Some Horrible Reason Of Doom And I’m Probably About To Keel Over And Die Right Now, etc.”) I forgot truth. Truth says I don’t ever need a reason to go at the pace that I need to go, and this body that houses me is a miracle, all the time. Sometimes it’s like my whole system just disconnects from truth. So let’s have a breath of compassion and a breath of truth, I am okay whether I remember this or not, and not remembering it sometimes is also okay because it’s very understandable and part of the process of remembering.
- Three and a half days with the beautiful cowboy (aka Operation Field Work) went by way too fast. A breath for wanting more when I can’t have more.
- A spell was broken and I didn’t want it to break. A breath for this.
- Creep on plane thought he could get away with inappropriate touching, and then of course denied it, and I insisted on moving seats. Also had to repeatedly explain this week about how invisible limitations work, and identify to people what is not possible for me to do even though from the outside it looks as though I could and just don’t want to. A breath for powerful boundaries and radiant presence.
- It is extra hard right now to take good care of myself and also get anything done and so many important time-sensitive (work and personal) keep getting lost in the shuffle. I mean, the game is rigged anyway, so doing all this is basically impossible to begin with, but when you are between homes and on the move and you have nowhere to really land and all your stuff is always somewhere else, this is extra-extra-extra challenging. A breath of steadiness.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- This week was filled with many beautiful joyful things, and I will start with this: I made it to the top of the mountain, despite blisters and being about to keel over the whole way! Monsters say this is really nothing to be impressed about but I am going to be impressed with myself anyway. It was indeed spectacularly beautiful. The way back down was blessed with ease: no people in sight, and a lovely cool breeze on the other side of the mountain. Then outrageously delicious tacos at Walking Man, and a baptismal dunking in a swimming hole in the bracingly cold Washougal river before the sun went down, then snuggling into our treehouse lair with great joy, and peaceful happy hearts. A breath.
- Big wild sweetness, intensity and closeness. A breath for joy and magic.
- So proud and grateful about The Toast acknowledging the rigged game bullshit that is creating something amazing but having to carry it yourself. Extraordinary community is quite possibly the most exciting thing in the world, and constant [work + raising of funds] is not sustainable, and there doesn’t seem to be a good way to have solve this but how can we solve it when no one brings up how broken this is? Very few people talk about this openly and honestly, and I brim over with appreciation for The Toast: for what was, and how beautiful it was, and for ending it in right timing with this big honesty. A breath of gratitude and saying thank you because it’s the right thing to say.
- A spell was broken and now I am free. I thought the answer to what was hurting would be “trust more” but it was actually more like “trust more and care less”, which maybe isn’t all that helpful except then I magically was able live that. A breath for new beginnings.
- After not dancing or practicing for most of the month, I rented an actual dance studio for two hours like an actual dancer and DANCED. It was amazing. Then two private lessons with my teacher who was in town, and she saw big improvement and we had a breakthrough, so maybe time off has been good for me. Waltz brunch was glorious. Live band. Dance floor was so crowded that dancing became an adventure in deep trust and intimacy, because you just had to believe your partner was going to whisk you through the crowd, like whirling between raindrops without getting wet. Big magic. A breath for movement.
- I said what I needed (which is brave!) and got what I wanted (which is a cool bonus!) and felt peaceful and relieved about standing up for myself. Rewriting old patterns. A breath of appreciation.
- Going through this big intense time in my life and most of the time not falling apart about this, and I don’t even know how to explain what a big deal this is. A breath of appreciation and gratitude for being able to access my adventurous spirit when I need it most
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of a wild affair, a perfect midnight meal at the Fleetwood, people in my life who understand, the best smiles, trusting life. So much treasure. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for power of trusting life, immediately forgot about that, and then it was the theme of my week. It’s a good one.
Powers I want.
The superpower of being glowingly unapologetic about the fullness and richness of who I am.
The Salve of Appreciation.
This salve smells delicious and reminds me to breathe. When I wear it, I notice what is beautiful to me and smile at it, and I make small adjustments in my environment (external and also internal) so that there is even more that invites me to smile.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes from my brother, who is also the most considerate person I know and makes all of his plans in service of…
Maximum Doom Avoidance
Obviously they’re a metal band and their latest album is Fuck You I Am Not A Touch Screen, and this band is just one guy.
Announcement time….
More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
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Hello, Chicken!
Havi, I send love and breaths for all the hard things.
In retrospect, the themes of my days this week have been…
Traveling companionship. Following my fascination. Claiming space. Infinite permission for finite action. The playful option. I Seem To Have Forgotten How To Panic. And (bringing us to today) All of the Above!
So yeah, all in all, I’ve had a pretty good week.
Beloved lurker here chickening in for the first time. I’ve been reading your blog on and off for years but only recently caught up with last couple of years of writing here because my life also fell spectacularly apart more or less at the same time as it happened to you and my body forced me to do absolutely nothing for almost a year.
I love the way you now talk about the game that is rigged and how just being in this world is a revolutionary act. It resonates deeply with me and it’s helping me to find my own path in my new life. I just recently got an official recognition of being wired in a different way (aspiewoman here) and it’s changing everything and nothing. Everything because it gives me the tools and knowledge to live my life as who I am and not what others expect me to be. Nothing because I already knew I was different in some way and tried to be me and no one else.
Much love and many thanks from Copenhagen.
Nice to meet you, Lone 🙂
Hello, Lone.
My old life fell apart 7 years ago; after much investigation, I self-dx’ed as autistic last summer.
It explains a lot, but I’ve also had to grieve what (I now realize) I can’t learn my way out of. I have to accept what I am.
Cluck cluck chicken
The hard:
– SO TIRED. What is that thing about the body keeping score? Seems to resonate this week. I can’t game the system by writing thousands of words during six hours on the train and expect not to be tired.
– that feeling that I get at 20% of the way into a project, where all the stuff that made me excited about writing it is down on paper and ceases to be exciting
– irritating exercise book with paper that soaks up ink and is pretty much unwritable on using fountain pen
– going out not with a bang but a whimper. Not being sure whether I have in fact already gone out.
The good:
– absolutely amazing apple and cinnamon flapjack
– new T-shirt with cats on
– fabulous greenness of pretty much everything. And roses and marigolds and the mint’s going wild.
– Giro d’Italia. Four hours of amazing views of the Dolomites, with some occasional cyclists whooshing through the shot.
What worked:
– deciding to be a saint. I spent a whole half hour thinking that everyone else in the world was absolutely fantastic, which is no mean feat at King’s Cross at rush hour. And everything turned out to be amazing when I really looked at it
– also, deciding to be someone who really appreciates food is going pretty well.
Next time I might try:
– No numbers. (This is a very very scary concept and full of monsters. But next time is not for another two weeks now.)
Love to all the chickeneers.
“Truth says I don’t ever need a reason to go at the pace that I need to go, and this body that houses me is a miracle, all the time.”
Beautifully said. I often forget this Truth (I wonder if I’ve ever known it? I don’t think so) and compare and judge, and it’s horrible to live in a body that a part of me is judging all the time. My beautiful body is feeling unloved and underappreciated, and I can see how that ties with me feeling underappreciated as a person and as a professional. Something to explore even more.
I love the salve, and I will apply it from head to toe while appreciating my body. Thank you.
What worked: Daily morning creative practice.
Next time I might: Avoid social media like the plague while there’s a political protest going on.
The hard:
– Misunderstanding that I refused to take responsibility for and said no to fixing at my own expense that ended with a passive aggressive message, and then total radio silence even though I need intel on how to proceed so we can finally get this over with.
– I’ve sent the “process, boundaries & policies” (not an actual name) document I’ve crafted to several trusted friends to review. Two didn’t respond at all, and the other two had comments that were less than favorable. Unsure if my own perception is the one I should be guided by, or if others have a point, and to what extent. I’m confused and a little deflated.
– A ton of hours in front of the computer, and some of that time wasted on things that don’t matter.
– Annoyed by the lack of initiative by people at the org. I have less and less desire to be there.
– Another clear “NO” business opportunity. Still waiting for that huge, powerful, buzzing YES.
The good:
+ Artsy stuff every morning is making my day, and I’ve gotten inspiration for future projects with so much possibility, and I sure hope this feeling lasts.
+ Did good work. Got external acknowledgement for doing good work.
+ Friends! As one of them said, “I have a secure attachment with you”. That’s one way to put it.
+ Had the house all to myself for 4 days, and it was glorious and quiet.
+ Sun, finally!
+ Impromptu hackaton session with some really cool people at their office. We worked on a Saturday which I’m normally not thrilled about, but it was fun.
I’ve had the superpower of Eyes On The Shining Beacon I’ve asked for. More of this, please!
Superpower I want: Luscious Leisure.
I shut my business in 2008 for same reasons. The long healing phase afterwards included a lot of little islands of doubt and confusion. Right now as this happens with the Toast, other very longstanding blogs, and people folding into Medium etc–I see that those moments I had in like, 2009-2011 thinking “everyone else can sustain it, why can’t I?” were as inaccurate as my wise advisors were telling me at the time. Nobody can sustain it. Those online businesses I compared myself to were just earlier in their life cycles.
A very very few people can sustain it, maybe, but they’re the people who really, really, really want to be doing the nuts and bolts boring stuff of running a business, including the periodic phases of 16 hour workdays, and whose content is therefore recycled from people who really want to be creating and downloading new information from the universe, actual creating of deep stuff. Nobody can do both: this I know for sure.
What we actually need is old structures, I believe, that we’ve lost: fair labor laws, incomes tied to rate of inflation, affordable housing, overtime pay, this kind of stuff. Basics!!! The right to workplace discrimination lawsuits (currently mostly removed via arbitration clauses in employment contracts, thank you Chief Justice John Roberts) Our former labor protections need to be morphed for a new paradigm but it is not actual rocket science, it’s basic needs stuff. And we need actual arts funding, which got lost as even a topic for discussion in the slide to churning out unpaid “content” for exposure.
May we all move into a better future.
Ola Havi & all Chickeners, sending you love, hearts & lightness! My internet connection is finally working again after almost 3 months, which has made me appreciate this amazing gift of connectedness in a new way. And I am APPRECIATING the Salve of Appreciation, thank you!
This week’s band made me LOL: if only it were not Just One Guy, I’d want to join!
Flowers and sweetness for hard things.
I’ve been off Twitter for 4 days, and need to make it stick this time. (Even though it’s my only social outlet, besides here.)
However, today I wrote a substantive blog post, the first one in almost a year.
Sad about The Toast.
Even as I acknowledge that, on my own blog, I never wanted to create a community. And I haven’t. But I have wanted, in general, to have friends. But I don’t. I make ’em, but can’t keep ’em. Maybe that’s just how it is.
Am learning to be thankful that I can still physically get out of bed every day. I can physically do the (few, minor) things my current life allows. I love my body. I don’t wish I was younger, in better health. I am who I am.
Today I was dreading having to Do a Thing, & I was in the shower & thinking that I soooo very did not want to Do the Thing, & then I realized that I did not, in fact, have to Do the Thing. There was a blinding flash of light! Choirs sang! Actually the water abruptly went cold, but it seemed an appropriate sort of omen & it’s hot today anyway so.
Anyway I did not Do the Thing, & nobody yelled at me, & also I would not have cared if they had, & today is Much Better because of this.
& it is all because of you, Havi!
Saturday! Welcome, end of the week. Welcome, rest of spring.
Hard, frustrating, infuratiating…
1. Encountering the mental gymnastics fans will perform to avoid thinking poorly of a celebrity.
2. Totally recognizing the same inclination in myself. Ugh.
3. Lashon hara. UGH.
4. That thing where it is obvious there is more to a situation than what I’m reading, but I don’t have the connections or time to gather more context.
5. Working out + working in yard < work
6. Computer frequently fritzing out.
7. So much ironing. So much mending.
8. Recognizing that seat in chair vs. socializing (aka networking) isn't an either-or thang, but DAMN is it hard to devote actual time to either, let alone both.
Good, reassuring, kick-up-my-heels happy…
1. Finding fun socks for a friend.
2. A past research tangent = currently useful info for a friend.
3. Harvesting a tomato for breakfast this morning. Radish and arugula seedlings, too.
4. Birthday gifts, including some items I put on my wishlist a long time ago.
5. Chocolate-covered toffee, from a candy store stop requested by my honorary mama.
6. Being at home with my dog.
7. Tennis fandom on the eve of a major = major entertainment.
8. Sipping bourbon on the porch with my sweetie and one of his besties.
Warm wishes to all y'all.
As so often happens, the hard in my life is about MrB and his health problems. So far he’s had three days in May when he was not in the hospital. He has had an infection for the entire month and during his hospitalizations, he’s developed new problems, some of them iatrogenic and nosocomial. At one point I had to stand guard to keep them from putting an IV in the arm where they suspected a blood clot. Current medical care is … driving me mad.
He was delirious one night and he proposed to me six times.
As so often happens, the good in my life is because of People Who Care and who encourage me to take care of myself. And opportunities to sit outdoors in lovely weather, and good books to read, and fresh fruit. All-night grocery stores where I can get what I need at a convenient time.
To quote Margaret Fraser: It’s surprising the weight that the small good things in life have against the messes. (I think she said messes. I’m pretty sure she didn’t say “challenges”.) I keep looking at the small good things in life and giving thanks.
(((o)))
“The superpower of being glowingly unapologetic about the fullness and richness of who I am.”
YESSSS! So many sparkle points for this!