the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 364th consecutive week of wishing, come play!
it’s closing time
I found this on a morning note by my bed
scribbled by half-asleep me in the dark hours as a clue
it’s closing time
and yet nothing is closing
(so what does this mean?)
the rally of
this week I am having a solo rally
and it is the rally of Astonishingly Simple Solutions
solutions that are so simple they make me gasp
this is also the rally of Italian All The Way
as well as Solved By Being A Panther
and here is my first clue
it’s closing time
a door to harmony (and hilarity)
each day I name the day, sometimes in the morning and
sometime the night before
and today I woke up and wrote DOOR TO HARMONY
because that is what present-moment me desires most in the world
and then about ten minutes later it hit me why this is the funniest
I had to put everything on pause and just laugh for a while
more on this later, as the arborist likes to say
falling apart
yesterday I arrived at my paid-for-in-advance two hours of
solo dance practice aka slow motion montage aka panther training
at a beautiful ballroom that is not my ballroom
excited about practice time, and yet as soon as I got there
all I wanted to do was throw a giant temper tantrum on the floor
in the middle of the room
and yell
just yell and yell and yell
at first I didn’t even know what I wanted to yell but then I did
I wanted to yell you know what fuck this and fuck dance and fuck everything
because guess what I quit
I QUIT I QUIT I QUIT
yes I quit!
no more portland and no more cities and
no more half-yeses or partial-yeses and
no more dance training
(okay I still want dance but not like this, some new way!)
because I quit
and also I want to quit my job
and write a letter of resignation
(okay I still want to be a bell and a beacon of self-fluency
and to do this through many
beautiful forms of not-teaching,
and yes it is still my yes to doing this through writing,
just not in the way it works right now, some new way!)
closeness
I texted the faraway cowboy and told him
all I wanted was to fall apart on the floor and cry about
how I am done done done done done really done with everything
he said, you know you can do that if you need to
he said, kissing you and holding you close
and I crawled over to the center of the room
where I lay on my back and sobbed for ninety minutes
the kind of loud messy crying that needs big space to contain it
for example, let’s say a giant empty ballroom that is
full of big wild unconditional love for you
ah what tremendous good fortune that I had rented the space
thinking it was for dance
and then for the last thirty minutes of my studio time
I walked up and down the long room
breathing in the light
sometimes doing tight chene turns and
sometimes walking slowly and deliberately like a panther
drawing power from the earth
and sometimes just walking and breathing
inside the sanctuary of dance
acknowledgement and legitimacy (because that’s what we do)
that was some good crying, I told the faraway cowboy
like when you hold me while I cry
the ballroom held me and I miss my ballroom
he said, glad it helped sweet girl
he said, yes, that was a magical space and so was the playground
you can figure this out, you’ve all the right resources, your writing is important and has a big impact on thousands of lives, you’ll make this work in a way that is good for you
I miss magical spaces
I miss drawing out the magic in spaces
okay are you ready for the funny part
in two days we cross into July and guess what July is on
the fluent self calendar
(it’s Harmony)
and this is the year of doors so July is not only the
quality of harmony but the door of harmony
which is also the door to harmony
past me made a door for what I need
she even gave me an image of it
and here I am asking for a door to harmony
having completely forgotten that one is waiting for me
it’s literally on the calendar
actually this part is even funnier
even though harmony is the quality I crave most right now
I have spent this entire year convinced that
July was the weak link in the calendar
I was pretty sure harmony didn’t really need to play a vital role in my year
and maybe I’d have to
rename this one or reinterpret it when we got to July
because meh, harmony, who cares
what a beautiful moment
again, what tremendous unanticipated good fortune
which, haha, actually was completely anticipated by past me who
channeled truth and wisdom like a boss
nicely done
harmony, come in and do your healing magic
harmony, invite me in to your secret places
be my door
and I will be yours
somehow this weekend I ended up at a terrible party
okay I mean it’s not actually all that mysterious
because I know exactly how
it happened through saying yes to things that were not especially yes
definitely not 120% yes or even close
at most 52% yes
except I have not yet learned to read this number:
it’s a failing grade, not a reluctant nod to a ruling majority
a cascading of no moments brought on by the first
half-hearted maybe yes
each moments of [not a no but not a yes] leading to a new one
until I was at full no
you could also call this unsovereign choices
something understandable and forgivable
we live in a rigged game culture where we are trained from
the youngest age to override instinct,
to placate and people-please and above all else do what we’re told
aka what external authorities indicate is best
so no wonder we don’t learn to trust (or even listen for)
our own true yes
a clear and obvious no glowing a path for me
path of least
anyway I went to a show I didn’t particularly want to go to
where the music was too loud (for me) with
too many people (for me), where I
consumed a drink I didn’t particularly like
and danced to a song I didn’t particularly want to dance to
agreed to let someone give input I didn’t want
until it was all too much and I had to exit
which was misinterpreted by friend as Storming Out
and then when we sorted things and all I wanted was bed
I reluctantly let this friend talk me into going to the afterparty
because it was clear that this was the easiest (and possibly only)
way to convey that I wasn’t upset
and blah blah path of least resistance
but it isn’t actually the path of least resistance
if it’s also the path of least joy, pleasure, comfort and
doesn’t support my sense of at-home-in-my-life
wanted: a more harmonious path
so the afterparty was somehow even worse than the party
like, I am pretty sure this was the worst party in the history of the known universe
and I have been to some agonizingly terrible parties in my day
(and okay, as a highly sensitive person I do not really understand parties
but this one took the cake)
I think the answer to why did I not immediately run away
is that I was actually kind of in a state of shock
both physical and existential
from the sensory overwhelm and just how bizarre it was
like, how did I — eccentric reclusive writer! glamorous cosmopolitan!
end up the lone adult in a decrepit indoor skate park at 2am
in a tiny town on a summer night
where a bunch of drunk kids were jamming (“jamming”) on a low stage
a brawling free-for-all of incoherent clashing sound waves
a cacophony of disharmonies
I described the scene to Agent Spalding
once I was semi-recovered
and he said yes that sounds intensely bad, aggressively bad
mmm I think I am just now realizing the echoing effects it is having on me
and my internal space
how much rattling occurred
what is needed
a door to harmony
ease of releasing and ease of transition
soft waves that crest gently, not the angry jagged up-and-down
I am talking about music and I am talking about
breath and light
how does one access a door to harmony
I think you just ask for it and then wander your way into it
wander by way of wonder
(June is the month of wonder)
wonder –> harmony
wonder comes from Awe
and awe comes from Sanctuary
and sanctuary comes from Presence
and presence comes from pausing
{I am here :: holy holiness}
sanctuary is the safe space to be receptive
to access a state of wonder from which things can begin to harmonize
at least that’s the working theory
wander and wonder
this is basically my life plan right now anyway
and here I am at the end of the line where the powerful columbia river
becomes the pacific ocean
speaking of harmony and wonder and doors
words from the bridge
I visited the bridge this morning and it spoke to me (this is a thing)
the bridge said, very clearly:
to be in your shininess, you require beauty and quiet
which means you need to become the ADVOCATE of these things
no one else is in charge of making sure you get these
and they are important so you must insist on them
this is what Adrianna knows how to do and what you need to learn
go be in harmony
go hand in your letter of resignation
and let yourself be re-signed (and reassigned) to harmony
let harmony BECOME your new job
here it is: my letter of resignation
and it really is resignation
that is in fact the exact correct perfect-fit word!
resignation is in fact how you feel in the moment it becomes apparent
that writing a letter of resignation is the only remaining option:
I am resigned to the reality of this situation that is not working
and to the fact that there isn’t a way to change the not-working-ness of it
I am resigned to resignation
such a funny word — it sounds like a sigh and looks like a re-signing
(look, here it is again, the exit sign, the sign that it’s time to leave)
(how did I miss it before?)
and true, I didn’t want to feel this feeling but now I get it
resignation can actually be quite lovely, the bridge was right:
a resigning and re-assigning
in the sense that everything needs to reconfigure now
or in other words, wait for it… to become more harmonious
I don’t actually want to resign
in the sense that I don’t want to leave
so what do I want
hmmm I want a raise and a new job title and a vehicle and
for the groundedness of these things to contribute to a
a sense of harmoniousness
this is a proxy but also not entirely a proxy
what do I want
a door into harmony / releasing everything that is disharmonious
letting this happen with astonishing simplicity
what do I know about my wish?
I want everything I do to be
for pleasure and joy instead of for comfort, validation, other pellet rewards
I want to follow the spark trail
to unveil or stumble upon
the next elegant easy graceful solutions
to live from within the compass of Do Less and Choose Ease
to feed myself with love
closing any doors that need closing
each closing and each opening deliberate and clear
moving from wonder into harmony
in a state of whole-hearted yes
now
each day two baby deer come visit my window
or they casually traipse past me on the sidewalk
when I am on my way to the pub
sometimes with their mom behind them
I would like some of this cool and collected presence
maybe that’s what harmonious looks like
the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed to me
June is WONDER with the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed, and it turns out the next indicated step is Harmony, which also happens to be the month we are about to enter, how perfect is that
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called more breath more light …
and I received this in many unexpected forms, including an invitation to come live at the coast for the summer, the place where I breathe more light
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
Mmmmm, what beautiful wishes!
Mmmmm, what flooding appreciation I feel for all the sparks here!
Wonder to harmony is a big clue for me right now. (As always, this year’s calendar is the best ever, month after month.)
Releasing all that is not harmony in my current situation(s) is my wish.
Thank you, Havi!
Perhaps this song is for you today… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-0lV5qs1Qw
!!!!!!!
This is beautiful, and yes, harmonious.
This week, I have been receiving glimmers of a facet of myself that I haven’t seen for quite some time. She’s young, *very* young, a playful, confident child. My wish is for her to shine. I want to remember what it feels like to be this version of me. I am very excited and joyful about this!
May it be so. <3
I continue to love “the funk of no”.
I was trying to write about yesterday’s angry and bitter, but discovered today’s shards of anguish. Progress?
Last year, a bilingual poem; this year, blog post in mostly English, some Spanish. A welcome development.
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Having some serious commenting issues:/
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<3
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On Friday, when I was hiding from the internet, I organised two things:
– a blood donation
– getting the piano tuned
I gave blood on Monday, and yesterday the piano tuner came.
Today the piano is so happy. It glows and rings and resonates. The wood is the most glorious warm brown and the sound is rich, triumphant, joyful. It’s back at concert pitch and I sing to it and it sings back to me.
The piano belonged to my godmother Heloise, and before that it belonged to her mother Karin, who was my father’s godmother. ‘Ray used to play jazz on it,’ says my father, ‘and Karin used to play Chopin.’ Anne plays Mozart and I play my way through the Aaron adult piano course and Tony plays worship songs. And whatever you play, it can’t help but sound glorious. It’s that sort of piano.
On Sunday I become a godmother. I have always been a fairy godmother, but now I am becoming the other sort as well. And I wish to bring all the qualities of my beautiful piano to this, to me and to my godson:
– connection
– resonance
– continuity
– presence
– glow
– polish
– harmony (yes!)
– love
– transformation
– acceptance
Oh, I love it! I love all of this.
Me too!
A longuish worth languishing for. <3
For the entire time I have been here I have been wishing for safety; a few weeks ago a friend suggested that perhaps what I needed was not safety so much as sanctuary & it turned out she was RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT.
& upon wishing for sanctuary I nearly immediately found it; over the next month or so I will be moving to a place that is safe for me, that is, in fact, a sanctuary, a place where I can grow & stretch & become, instead of having to hide & survive.
IT WILL BE AWESOME
<3 <3 <3
<3 <3 what beautiful wishes <3 <3
I am wishing for shifts and shifting. To shift the places I go to for [qualities]. To shift my goals and the way I go about them. For my body to shift more frequently. For my perception of [specified time] to be a shift, the morning shift, the evening shift, the night shift.
I wonder what the etymology of shift is. I will go and look it up because I like doing that.
xoxoxo
Loving you and your shift wish. I am also thinking about shift as a simple dress, shift as a period of time, shift as a useful button that changes where you are on a page. May it all be so and/or something even better, my love. <3
My most recent horoscope had many words that resonate with this. Being my birthday, and half way thru the year, I had plenty of wishes, and many came true, and all of them led to the next indicated step. I named June the Moon of Beuaty and Pleasure and it had so much of both. very grateful.
Next steps included: Just Do It. Return to Best Practices. Leveling up. On the mat. Bianca Jaguar (incoming me)
My new wish: Operation Bianca Jaguar – to get my first burlesque solo choreographed and performed in public in 2016. You have no idea how vulnerable it is to write this out.
WTCW: I will take VV’s class in august, where a public recital is part of graduation.
ICT: Putting walking-warmup into morning workout. work on routine. immersion.
SMIB