Friday chickenWhere I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

What worked?

Waiting.

Not taking action until feeling the pull.

Listening.

More and more and more.

Trying on courage like a costume.

And wearing it until it felt like something I’d actually wear.

Next time I might…

Remember that doing deep emotional work means internal fallout, even when there’s no external fallout.
And especially if there is!

Build in time to fall apart a little. Schedule it.

Instead of being surprised by something that is really not surprising at all.

The mysteries. Things I found challenging (and mysterious!).

  • Exhaustion.
  • Three nights of screaming terror nightmares. Stuff from then.
  • Needing to say the words and make the endings. So hard.
  • Seeing people I love in pain, and watching them continue to choose pain and stay in situations where they are not treated lovingly and respectfully.
  • Missing Shut Up & Dance because too tired to see straight.
  • Stompopolis scheduling mix-up on Saturday!
  • Playmate is far away.
  • Realizing I have been keeping reminders of pain on my phone in the form of voicemails, because deleting them meant acknowledging: this is over. But the not-deleting causes twinges of sweet sadness that keeps things stagnant. And stagnation is not what I want.
  • Time to do all the hard things. This required immense levels of courage, and I had to learn many new things about courage this week. I am very glad to know them. The process of learning them was not the most fun thing I’ve ever done.
  • Letting go of things that are not working. Grief and sadness about change and about endings.
  • Monsters. Specifically What If You Never Have X Again and What If You Never See Y Again and What If You Are Screwing It All Up. We had a lot of talking to do about “never” and about safety and plenty. It was useful and also pretty intense.
  • Fear. Sadness. Doubt.
  • Concepts I have made clear not landing.
  • Releasing attachment and a bowlful of “But but but why is it not like this?!”.

Things I found delightful.

  • Friday night.
  • 16 hours in bed dozing, drifting, dreaming, listening to internal weather reports.
  • The Wheels of Justice bout against Bay Area. Could have been a killing for B.A.D. It wasn’t! We lost but lost VALIANTLY. Definitely the most physical bout I’ve ever seen. Add to that: well-matched teams and four lead changes and you have some pretty great derby. Afterparty was pretty fun too…
  • Four days of curiosity, playful discovery, smiling.
  • Having painful things received with love and sweetness, without the other person trying to fix it or change it. Just presence.
  • Heart overflowing with gratitude and appreciation.
  • Sent a secret birthday present that was full-of-secret-meaning to person who is meaningful to me in ways that are not-at-all-secret, who really, truly understood, and was over-the-top delighted with it.
  • Every moment of Surprise Beach Day at Seaside and Hug Point. Sharing. With the ocean. Perspective. Getting really really clear on what I want. Thank you, ocean.
  • Doing a thing that was like [scary-for-me thing] but without the PTSD attached.
  • Adoring. Adoring. Adoring.
  • “You are safe.”
  • Up to date thought ticker reports.
  • Internal spring cleaning. Including: Deleting the voicemail messages. Ending things that needed endings. Doing what is right.
  • Intimate acceptance. As in: Here. Now. I will be deeply human with you in this moment.
  • Seekrit flowers from Floopers! Flowers everywhere.
  • Comfort. Sweetness. Compassion. Warmth. Delight.
  • Sharing concepts and metaphors.
  • The side effects of Courage. They’re a lot like the side effects of silence.
  • Met the new Incoming Me! She’s a more intense version of Bond Girl. Bond. Havi Bell Bond. She has the best superpowers ever. I am especially liking Blissful Steadiness and Effortlessly Alert.
  • There are people who can handle [hard things that I think no one can handle].
  • Slow Melting Internal Light-Glowing Effervescent Smiles. An acronym that stands for itself, but better! This is right.

The most extraordinary thing from this week!

I was walking down the street and a woman was getting out of her car. She looked at me and asked, “Do you like flowers? I have a car full of flowers!”

Then she handed me two large beautiful bouquets. They had tags on them that said “donate”, apparently from some kind of auction. I LOVE flowers!

You know what my proxy mission at the Crossing for [how I want to live my life] was, right?

Learn how and why flowers make everything better!

I wrote her a note that said “Flowers make everything better!”

Thank you, flowers. Thank you, woman who gave them to me! Thank you, silent retreat so I didn’t make awkward small talk but was present for and with the exchange. Thank you, abundance and plenty. Thank you, appreciation and gratitude. Thank you, Crossing. Thank you, proxies. Thank you, favorite cafe for suddenly mysteriously filling up with people and noise so I left an hour earlier than I would have. Thank you, Bond Girl for saying now, go! And telling me to walk faster and make the light. Thank you, beautiful world for life!

WHAM BOOM! Operations completed this week:

The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this op is done, baby! It is often shortened to WHAM boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.

Operation Internal Spring Cleaning and Preparing For Many Difficult Goodbyes. Wham boom!

Miracles!

I believe the phrase “Would you like flowers?” can be a stand-in for this right now.

Superpowers!

A superpower I had this week…

Trusting in courage.

And a superpower I want next week.

Sweet grounded blissful Steadiness. With Focus sprinkled on top.

Proxy of the week.

I’m wearing courage.

Freudian Typo (or autocorrect) of the week.

Whole-heatedness, instead of whole-heartedness. Mmmmmhmmmm.

Salve of the week. Yours if you want it.

This salve is the salve of courage.

And because courage contains, I learned, lots of other things, it has those too: Plenty. Trust. Freedom. Wonder. Curiosity. Joy. Lots and lots of joy.

These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

Covered In Wow.

They are loud, raucous, fun to dance to and do things with woodwinds. Musically, I mean.

Of course, as it turns out, it’s actually just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat

Announcements coming so very soon! Are you on the list?

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

The Fluent Self