Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
What worked?
Waiting.
Not taking action until feeling the pull.
Listening.
More and more and more.
Trying on courage like a costume.
And wearing it until it felt like something I’d actually wear.
Next time I might…
Remember that doing deep emotional work means internal fallout, even when there’s no external fallout.
And especially if there is!
Build in time to fall apart a little. Schedule it.
Instead of being surprised by something that is really not surprising at all.
The mysteries. Things I found challenging (and mysterious!).
- Exhaustion.
- Three nights of screaming terror nightmares. Stuff from then.
- Needing to say the words and make the endings. So hard.
- Seeing people I love in pain, and watching them continue to choose pain and stay in situations where they are not treated lovingly and respectfully.
- Missing Shut Up & Dance because too tired to see straight.
- Stompopolis scheduling mix-up on Saturday!
- Playmate is far away.
- Realizing I have been keeping reminders of pain on my phone in the form of voicemails, because deleting them meant acknowledging: this is over. But the not-deleting causes twinges of sweet sadness that keeps things stagnant. And stagnation is not what I want.
- Time to do all the hard things. This required immense levels of courage, and I had to learn many new things about courage this week. I am very glad to know them. The process of learning them was not the most fun thing I’ve ever done.
- Letting go of things that are not working. Grief and sadness about change and about endings.
- Monsters. Specifically What If You Never Have X Again and What If You Never See Y Again and What If You Are Screwing It All Up. We had a lot of talking to do about “never” and about safety and plenty. It was useful and also pretty intense.
- Fear. Sadness. Doubt.
- Concepts I have made clear not landing.
- Releasing attachment and a bowlful of “But but but why is it not like this?!”.
Things I found delightful.
- Friday night.
- 16 hours in bed dozing, drifting, dreaming, listening to internal weather reports.
- The Wheels of Justice bout against Bay Area. Could have been a killing for B.A.D. It wasn’t! We lost but lost VALIANTLY. Definitely the most physical bout I’ve ever seen. Add to that: well-matched teams and four lead changes and you have some pretty great derby. Afterparty was pretty fun too…
- Four days of curiosity, playful discovery, smiling.
- Having painful things received with love and sweetness, without the other person trying to fix it or change it. Just presence.
- Heart overflowing with gratitude and appreciation.
- Sent a secret birthday present that was full-of-secret-meaning to person who is meaningful to me in ways that are not-at-all-secret, who really, truly understood, and was over-the-top delighted with it.
- Every moment of Surprise Beach Day at Seaside and Hug Point. Sharing. With the ocean. Perspective. Getting really really clear on what I want. Thank you, ocean.
- Doing a thing that was like [scary-for-me thing] but without the PTSD attached.
- Adoring. Adoring. Adoring.
- “You are safe.”
- Up to date thought ticker reports.
- Internal spring cleaning. Including: Deleting the voicemail messages. Ending things that needed endings. Doing what is right.
- Intimate acceptance. As in: Here. Now. I will be deeply human with you in this moment.
- Seekrit flowers from Floopers! Flowers everywhere.
- Comfort. Sweetness. Compassion. Warmth. Delight.
- Sharing concepts and metaphors.
- The side effects of Courage. They’re a lot like the side effects of silence.
- Met the new Incoming Me! She’s a more intense version of Bond Girl. Bond. Havi Bell Bond. She has the best superpowers ever. I am especially liking Blissful Steadiness and Effortlessly Alert.
- There are people who can handle [hard things that I think no one can handle].
- Slow Melting Internal Light-Glowing Effervescent Smiles. An acronym that stands for itself, but better! This is right.
The most extraordinary thing from this week!
I was walking down the street and a woman was getting out of her car. She looked at me and asked, “Do you like flowers? I have a car full of flowers!”
Then she handed me two large beautiful bouquets. They had tags on them that said “donate”, apparently from some kind of auction. I LOVE flowers!
You know what my proxy mission at the Crossing for [how I want to live my life] was, right?
Learn how and why flowers make everything better!
I wrote her a note that said “Flowers make everything better!”
Thank you, flowers. Thank you, woman who gave them to me! Thank you, silent retreat so I didn’t make awkward small talk but was present for and with the exchange. Thank you, abundance and plenty. Thank you, appreciation and gratitude. Thank you, Crossing. Thank you, proxies. Thank you, favorite cafe for suddenly mysteriously filling up with people and noise so I left an hour earlier than I would have. Thank you, Bond Girl for saying now, go! And telling me to walk faster and make the light. Thank you, beautiful world for life!
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed this week:
The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this op is done, baby! It is often shortened to WHAM boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.
Operation Internal Spring Cleaning and Preparing For Many Difficult Goodbyes. Wham boom!
Miracles!
I believe the phrase “Would you like flowers?” can be a stand-in for this right now.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
Trusting in courage.
And a superpower I want next week.
Sweet grounded blissful Steadiness. With Focus sprinkled on top.
Proxy of the week.
I’m wearing courage.
Freudian Typo (or autocorrect) of the week.
Whole-heatedness, instead of whole-heartedness. Mmmmmhmmmm.
Salve of the week. Yours if you want it.
This salve is the salve of courage.
And because courage contains, I learned, lots of other things, it has those too: Plenty. Trust. Freedom. Wonder. Curiosity. Joy. Lots and lots of joy.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
Covered In Wow.
They are loud, raucous, fun to dance to and do things with woodwinds. Musically, I mean.
Of course, as it turns out, it’s actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
Announcements coming so very soon! Are you on the list?
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Flowers! Flowers, flowers, flowers, flowers, FLOWERS!
Speaking of which:
Our tulips finally, FINALLY opened this week. They are gorgeous AND amusing. The weather boomeranging from sunny to rainy to sunny makes them close and open again, and it’s so odd how there’s one lone tulip on the right side of the walk and a flurry of them on the left, even though both beds were planted with the same number of bulbs…
Other things I found delightful:
* finding out that I won the Charleston tennis bracket. There is Flirty Sugarpova coming my way!
* a poem getting shortlisted
* doting on dog and man
* Beverage Queen! Longshot horsie FTW!
Some things I found challenging-mysterious:
* deleting contacts: some literally dead and others, well…
* contempt. Corrosive stuff. Where to channel it…
* reality checks
* career-compensation/direction demon jamboree
What worked?
An eclair at the ready. Holding my fire.
Next time?
Deliberately deferring action. Giving the gut more time to react.
Superpowahs in da haus: Rolling with delays. Cutting my losses. Inching along learning curves.
Superpowah I want: to cope like a queen with squashy invasions of my space, which is how I currently feel about both mammogram machines and extroverts getting on my case for not displaying what they deem appropriate levels of woo-hoo. (I get happily woo-hoo about a lot of things, but I get real ornery when I feel I’m being pressured to woo-hoo a certain way.)
A clew that reminded me of chicken: last night’s Omer reading (“the Mystery calls; I am doing a new thing”)
*tucks salve into my backpack*
*checks out Covered in Wow’s double-reed chops*
Warm wishes to all!
Loving the Salve of the week!
hmmmm, this week?
what worked: best practices, smiling and laughing at the absurd
next week: more Best practices, like all the time. everythign else proceeds therefrom.
i’m almost finsihed with my Landmark Seminar and it is kickign my ass and throwing my Shit in My Face. hooray, so much growth. i hav many feels about this right now. the language is intuitive for me and i’m using the tools. I like the one where we define a breakdowna s the space between what we want and where we are (very rough paraphrase) so, i’m experiencing breakdowns in:
-my participation in the seminar itself because i just dont want to go to class on thsrday nites, and now i’m being meh about the homework
-lots of fighting with cherise
-my exhuband being an absolute douche-canoe and trying to figure out how next steps. i’m silent retreating for the oment, which helps, but i will have to take action soon
-not writing and resenting eerything that is in the way, including my own darn self
The sparkle:
-keepign my cool under ciscumstances that would have fucked me up before.
-making foundational changes in support of Agent Natasha. some movement here!
-ideas! yea! about blog content
-more sleep over all
-partnership is strong between aaron and myself
-work so busy the day flies by
-deciding i really Want some things. and that these things are Good for me. we agreed to budget 60 bucks for me to get body work, turns out basic membership at cross training is 59 a month. i’d rather have that. I really want to take Thorn’s e-class, feeling strong enough in practice and finances to do so. this makes me happy.
-lots of powerful stuff happening in ritual space, and esite weeks away from the Flail, lts of conenctions lately.
-getting Level 1 down. not all of it is smooth, but i have it. i never thoguht i would get it down, i swear.
I love Unexpected Flowers! I am bringing flowers into the house more lately, and this year’s big project is Investigating White Flwoers. this is on going, but wow, to think that Unexected Flower Windfalls are possible!
What worked? Letting go. Of course.
Mysteries?
Wither thou clients?
Maybe they are gone to make room for something new and grand?
Delights?
A meeting set up.
Writing, so much writing. Library sitting, words on paper.
Sleeping.
Vision board time. Getting clear.
Courage!
Tacos at the Irish pub. Not a proxy!
New books, and a day spent reading.
A brain with things coming in and things going out.
The way writing exhausts me, so I know I did enough.
What worked? Journaling. Lots of it. Writing love letters to my journal, in my journal.
Next time I might… Well, this is embarrassing, but I’m just going to come out and say it: dust. There is too much dust in my environment, and it’s bothering me, and taking five minutes here and there to deal with it could maybe make a big difference. Worth a try, certainly.
Mysteries:
–Physical exhaustion after about ten days of intense activity. I built in recovery time, but it wasn’t enough.
–Seasonal allergies kicking in the day after the dress rehearsal. The performance is tomorrow, and my singing is in jeopardy. Noooooooo!
–Beginning to tell local folks about our impending move. Figuring out whom to tell and when, and in what order. Awkward.
–Not knowing what our selling/buying/packing/moving timetable is going to be. At all. Because of logistical and financial tangles. I mean, I know that we never really know anything, that even when we think we know it’s really just self-delusion, but it’s comforting self-delusion, y’know?
Delights:
–Dress rehearsal was lovely. Also, YAY for chairs on the choral risers, so we can sit down when the soloists are singing! This makes such a huge difference to my comfort and enjoyment, and I am soooooo grateful.
–My family loves me a lot.
–Tasty foods.
–Flowering trees, and the fascinating patterns of their blossoms.
–Cool sheets and pillowcases.
–My daughter’s smile.
–Treating myself to something I’ve been wanting for a long time.
Superpowers! This week: The power to take in energy from inanimate objects when necessary. Next week: The power to release excess energy when necessary. (Oh yah, you betcha.) (I’m not sure where that twangy midwestern comment just came from. I don’t think it’s an Incoming Me, but maybe it’s an Incoming Me’s imaginary sidekick?)
Lighting my candle now…
Clucking in after a magical weekend retreat. Feeling fiiiiiine.
Hhhhhmmmmmhhhmmmmmmm.
Things I resisted welcoming:
– [silent retreat] and all [silent retreat’s] stuff. YAWN.
– um, how do I put this? Patriarchal capitalist society and all the shitty shit it has brought with it? Is that sweeping enough? Pretty much.
– technology being hard.
– my stuff around buying a car still not being sorted. Ack.
Things I welcomed with delight:
– Monday night goddessing
– awakening an energy that has been in flatline for aaaages
– RETREAT! Hippie dippie sacred women’s festival honouring ‘the divine feminine’. So much great. It felt like HOME. I could even just take my Outsider Complex and shrug it off. Invoking my own belonging.
– So much great stuff at the retreat. Including two soul sisters I adore. And Wonderbaby and I being welcome ev.er.y.where, in all our baby-ness and mother-of-baby-ness. Yoga teacher picked her up and carried her when she was getting too much in other people’s space so I could keep going with my practice. And this was No Big Deal. <3
– I have so many beautiful, inspiring, smart and wonderful friends. Truly. So blessed to have found a place to connect with people while being unabashedly, unapologetically myself, and to really, truly belong. So grateful for every atom that ever moved the way it did to create this reality that includes this.
– Joy. Feeling the way I do right now. This is certainly welcome.
xxxxxxxxxxxx
How did it get to be Sunday night? Time for chicken amnesty.
Not so bad, all things considered.
The hard:
Slow recovery from illness. Still coughed and croaked a good deal.
Construction at work means no kitchen, no microwave, perennial confusion, and loud machine noises. This will go on for two months, we are told.
I thought of bringing flowers for my desk, but I can’t fill up a vase with water.
Realizing I have No Faith in Management.
Cold, dark and rainy.
Outlook uncertain, what am I going to do with my life? I WANT ANSWERS but the Magic 8 Ball says Try Again Later.
The good:
Finally recovering.
Sleeping! A lot (see above).
Being able to eat again (see above also).
Writing out some of the stuff from then as if it was a memoir. It seems to quell the impulse to re-hash the old stories in my head.
Finally deciding what is best to do about A Hard Situation. And talking it over with C who had reached the same conclusion. And then telling D what we were going to do. No fast resolution but at least not making it worse.
Quiet weekend puttering.
Keep on keepin on, all you lovely people.
What Worked?
Listening to the voice that said Now. Now is the time. (I wish she’d introduce herself better!)
Experimenting with What if we just let this happen without trying to change it
Declaring that Internal Putterday was exactly what was called for.
Remembering that too much caffeine makes me feel stressed when I am not. Experimenting with this and giving the scientists some data to work with.
Next time?
Next time, I might stock my office with tasty non-caffeinated supplies that are just what I want. It’s very sad-making to arrive at the cafe only to find out that non-caffeinated options are not what I am craving.
Mysterious Challenges
Seasonal allergies. Have the sniffles handled, but the overall exhausted effect on my poor body systems! Excited about the next phase of the year and hoping it brings flowers and less immune system crap.
Experiencing my fear and lack of trust with a new maybe friend sitting at my table. Hand on heart ow ow ow on this one.
The difficulty of finding products that are both low-sugar and low-caffeine. Water is great, but I like variety.
The Stuff around being less productive this week – and the way I’ve been avoiding that Stuff.
Finding a couple of articles that really excited me, and having other people’s stuff make them less fun.
Still keep tripping over my Stuff, and frowning at it like I can’t believe it’s still here. And forgetting that it’s not going to get up and go away just because I want it to. Translation: running into patterns that are not easy, that exist for good reasons, but really having a hard time being patient with myself around them. Have direction from my therapist to try and give myself this patience.
Soft Glowing Delights
Opening up and trusting what was happening just a little turned out to be pretty good. This is still hard for me, but I’m making an attempt to acknowledge what was good about it.
Hey! Articles that really excited me. And an Introvert bar on Facebook that’s been very wonderful and supportive of each other!
Learning from seeing how other people’s stuff affects me. Silent retreating after the first response.
Magical Powers
Last week, I asked for the magical power of Remembering that This is Part of My Story. I think what I actually GOT was the power of Listening To The Voice of Now, which was a pretty cool alternate.
Next week, though, I think I’d just like a surprise power. There’s so many of them that I’d like, I can’t choose, so I’ll throw the seed out there and hope it’s something interesting.