A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

Heart Felt

The hurting in question

On the way to yoga, I had an encounter with someone who once hurt my heart. Encounter is a generous word. They tried to get my attention, I ignored them.

The heart-hurting in question was brief and swift, a sudden moment like a knife thrust and then it passed. Grief to fury to bitterness to nothing to more bitterness. I exist at a steady baseline of bitterness, that’s not wrong.

The yoga class, ironically or not at all, was centered around a theme of heart-healing.

Couldn’t hurt, I said to myself. At least, not more than everything else does.

The bravery in question

Sure, I can be brave and do a seventy five minute heart-healing practice, while breathing through it.

That’s something too; not just the bravery, but the remembering to acknowledge the bravery.

Sometimes I forget that existing through ongoing pain / loss / trauma / heart-hurting is a form of bravery.

It is tough and I am tough. Both of those things can be true.

It is tough and I am tough

Both of those things can be true.

This is also a reminder that I need a thousand times a day.

This, and that grief really does have its own timing, and that I am brave for existing through it.

Stories that are untrue or mostly untrue

Sometimes in my mind the story that comes up is about weakness, or hyper-sensitivity. Why can I not get the fuck over the small hurts or the big wounds, or the cumulative pain of all of it.

And yet, reality remains. The hurt hurts, I keep on keeping on. This is a courageous yes to life and aliveness, whether I am able to acknowledge that in the moment or not.

What do I know about the story?

The story that says I am a big baby is obviously a monster story.

The kernel of truth within the lie of that story is that I do long to be over it, and that is a reasonable longing, that comes part and parcel with the human experience.

The most reasonable longing. I can stop blaming myself for longing.

Returning

On the way back from the heart-healing yoga class, or the yoga class that was focused on heart healing, I had another encounter.

This time an encounter with a person who hurt my heart a lot, and never apologized for it, in fact never even reacted in any way when I told them how deeply they had hurt me.

Freedom, I said, to the car and the winds and the enormous sky. Love, Courage, Strength, Miracles. A whole heart. Healing towards freedom. We can do this.

Dreaming

I got home and fell asleep and in my dream, I dreamed the entirety of the yoga class I had just taken, the heart-healing yoga class.

Does that make sense? I re-experienced the entire yoga class, breath for breath, in the dream.

Everything in the dream was exactly the same as it had been in the class, except there was a different person on the mat next to mine, and instead of a shoulder-stand towards the end, the teacher offered a headstand sequence.

In the actual class, I noped out of the shoulder-stand because of my neck injury, and took legs up the wall instead.

In the dream class, I skipped headstand for the same reason, and moved slowly back and forth between a dolphin pose and a downward-facing dog, focusing on fluidity, breath, strength, and of course, my poor beautiful hurting heart.

Same same but different

Beyond that, everything was exactly as it had been in real life. My subconscious created a replica of the class, and I went through the entire workout as I slept.

It was only as the class came to a close that everything changed…

At the end of dream-class, I turned to the man on the mat next to mine, and said something like, “What a lovely class…”

And he said, “I didn’t like that you were laughing at me.”

Untangling

The conversation got confusing, but it became clear that some awful misunderstanding had taken place in his mind.

Apparently at some point during my immersive dolphin-to-dog flowing sequence, I had been smiling to myself in a blissed-out moment within the practice. But at this moment, he had wobbled in his headstand, noticed my smile, and came to the conclusion that I was smiling because he was unable to hold the pose.

Each attempt on my part to explain myself seemed to go nowhere.

“I was entirely unaware of you, if I was smiling then it was to myself about something unrelated. Falling is part of balancing, I would never judge someone for falling in a balance pose, I don’t even do that pose because of my injury, to hold it for one breath is more than impressive enough for me, I wouldn’t laugh at someone for trying something hard.”

He got more and more upset.

Ah yes, the fear that is always there

Finally, I said, “Listen. I want us to be friends. I swear on all that is holy that everything I have said is true. Give this time and think it over.”

And he said, “I will probably forgive you by the next class.”

And we hugged it out, and I left class, and woke up.

I wouldn’t call it a nightmare exactly, because it was reliving a lovely yoga class, but it was intense.

And it did center on my eternal big fear, aka being misunderstood and unable to explain myself and blamed for something I didn’t do. Ah, the familiar wound, here we are.

Round two, or is it round three

I fell back asleep, and in the next dream, I ran into my friend V from Tucson, and relayed the entire situation to him. Yes, dream two was a recounting of dream one.

Except in this dream I did not remember that the story I was telling him had also taken place in a dream, and thought it was all real.

So I was telling the story of the dream within the dream.

It’s all about the heart, I said, that’s what it comes back to. This person did not trust my good heart and freaked out and ran, but my good heart is still my good heart.

Heart conversations

I don’t know what is left to do other than to keep interacting with my heart. Let’s try for a conversation.

Havi: I want to know you. I want you to trust me. I want this deep hurting to run its course. I want us to feel connected. I want to trust that there are ways out of the misunderstandings even if there haven’t been in the past. I want to hug it out like in the dream.
Havi’s heart: soft humming

Havi: Are you going to talk to me? Or is that just how you talk?
Havi’s heart: soft humming

Havi: Can I get a translator in the house please?
Havi’s heart’s translator: You didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t need to explain yourself. The fact that the world is full of conclusion-jumpers and people who aren’t ready to be vulnerable and real with you and talk it out or hug it out is not about you. You need to just keep humming your hum.

Heart felt

Havi: I feel everything in my heart-space, maybe I feel too much in my heart, maybe that’s why everything hurts all the time, in my heart.

Havi’s heart’s translator: You might want to try humming. If you can’t hug it out, you can always hum it out.

We take a break for humming, thumbs blocking ears, fingers to center of forehead

How was that

Havi’s heart translator: How was that?
Havi: Resonant.

Havi’s heart translator: What do you notice?
Havi: So many birds. The wind. Everything is moving, dancing a little dance.

Havi’s heart translator: You felt the dance. Pain is just one sensation, but the dance is bigger than the painful moments.

The Void

My former teacher used to say that the more you crave distraction, the more you need to sit with the void.

And if anyone craves constant distraction from loneliness and heartache, it is me. Even in my dreams, I invent new people to untangle with, to hug it out, to talk it through with me.

I don’t want to be with the void any more than I want to listen to my heart, and so I do another round of sensory humming.

But the void was still too daunting, so I spent an hour seeking distraction (studying Spanish).

Okay, so maybe this also requires a translator or an intermediary, or something to make the scary thing less scary, or something to invite in a braver version of me, but let’s start with what feels most approachable.

Let’s stay in this heart-space, hum it out, ask for more ease, insist on more ease. Safety first!

A trial run (but first we hum it out)

Havi: humming
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: hums back

Havi: I’m struggling with feeling lonely, but also I crave alone time, and I am bored of this conundrum, and I am craving distraction, and none of the available distractions are fulfilling, and I know that I need to spend time with the void, but it’s very intimidating…
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Humming works. You don’t need to do more than that. You are being honest, and that’s cool. Most people can’t bring honesty to the void.

Havi: When will it stop hurting this much?
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: That’s not information we have, things take the amount of time that they take, just keep humming.

Hmmmm

Havi: I’m gonna need more than that.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: You are inside of the process, or inside of a process, or inside of many processes. You can’t see the forward movement, and maybe you can’t perceive it in other ways either, and yet it is still happening. The healing process is mostly invisible. That might feel frustrating. That might be why you are craving distraction.

Havi: Hmmmmm.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Say what’s on your mind.

Havi: I am hurting. I am also deeply sorry for hurting that I have caused others.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: And?

Havi: Hmmmm.

During the period of

The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Your efforts are enough. You keep looking for something more you need to do in order to experience healing. The thing is, there isn’t something you can do to make the healing happen, you just need to keep doing things that feel good while the healing happens in its own timing and its own way.

Havi: That’s actually helpful, thank you. But isn’t it about distractions then, like am I not still seeking things that feel good so that I don’t have to deal with the healing?
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: You are keeping the healing company. And you are pursuing joy. These both have value. Find the pleasures, however small. Keep humming, keep checking in.

Havi: Tell me more about DURING, like what am I doing while this healing is doing its healing work beneath the surface.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Do what works. You like being outdoors, you like cooking, you like journaling, you like dancing in your kitchen, you like strength training and pretending to be a glamorous assassin recovering at a safe house. Pursue joy. And if joy is too big, then find tiny sparks of it and collect them. Smile at things.

Training

Havi: It sounds like a training. A slow-motion montage.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Maybe it is. Hum your way through. Pause to notice what has shifted already. Like we said, smile at things. People, objects, experiences, plants, ideas. Smile at them.

Havi: What else???
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: There is no else, this is exactly why people have such a hard time with the void. It isn’t about doing or seeking or shifting, it’s about humming, smiling, playing and then noticing what has already shifted while you weren’t trying to shift.

Shifting by not-shifting

Havi: I’m going to need to think on that, or hum on that.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Take your time.

Havi: That’s the thing though, isn’t it? It’s been so long, I feel so impatient.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: The shifting is happening. Just move your focus and your effort to the joy and not to the shifting itself.

What is next

Havi: What is next?
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Other than humming and pursuing joy?

Havi: Yes
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Clean something. Move some things out of your space. Plan a small trip (you don’t need to take it, but planning it will give you some information). Bake that ginger cake you like. It doesn’t really matter. Just try some things that might contain joy. You are allowed to have more joy. Just because you are in heart-pain doesn’t mean everything has to be miserable.

Havi: That’s not what I was expecting you to say.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: And yet, there it is. Joy is good medicine. Stop fighting with yourself.

Havi: Am I fighting with myself?
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Have you tried fighting for yourself? Maybe start there…

What is next (again)

Focusing on:

Neck stretches. Going for a walk. Listening to the wind. Inviting people to do things outdoors. Letting myself want what I want. Writing wishes. Humming the hum. Living room dance party.

Yes, we could bake something. Let’s start there.

Come play with me, we can name possible joy practices, or commiserate over how scary it is to talk to the void, we can hum our way through this too.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

You are invited to share any related situations or musings of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️