Yep. Talking to my monsters again. Last time it was the Skabbatical monster and the Book monster.
Then on Official Pirate Queen Holiday I had the best idea for the most perfect thing ever: a long, sweet writing vacation. Not just going on Skabbatical but being somewhere fabulous for it.
And I knew this was something I really, really wanted because about ten monsters showed up immediately and were extremely emphatic about what a terrible idea this is.
I made it clear that I’ll only deal with one at a time. This is the one who showed up.
And of course I took notes, scribbling furiously in an effort to keep up. It was pretty trippy, for the record. Shocking, I know. Here we go.
Shame!
Me: Thanks. It was getting really hard to hear with all the yelling. So. Can you tell me what your issues are with this?
Monster: Too many to even list!
Me: Well, what if you just list as many as you can?
Monster: Okay. It’s stupid. It’s frivolous. And there is nothing worse than doing things that are frivolous. It’s not a good use of your time. You don’t have the money. You can’t justify this. No one can ever know about it because it’s so …. peinlich.
Me: Wait, you’re German? I have German monsters?
Monster: You’re avoiding the issue. This thing you want is embarrassing. Shame! Shame on you. That’s the main thing.
Me: Uh…
Monster: But also your business will suffer. And it’s not fair to your gentleman friend. And you’re abandoning Hoppy House. And your whole business will fall apart. And no one can EVER KNOW that you even want this thing because if they find out, they’ll lose all respect for you. Shame!
Traitor!
Me: Ah, you mean because people don’t understand what vacations are like. They don’t know the kind of awesome creative explosions that I get on holiday.
Monster: Are you out of your mind? If someone finds out you were even considering spending that much money on a VACATION?! You’re doomed! No one will ever respect you again. No one will ever be able to relate to you again. Your credibility will be shot to pieces.
Me: Oh. You’re afraid people will lose respect for me.
Monster: They’ll know what a traitor you are! They’ll be disappointed. They’ll abandon you like you abandoned them. They’ll know that you betrayed them.
Me: Ah. This isn’t about vacation, is it? This is about betrayals and shame again. Old stuff.
Monster: Maybe. But my point still stands.
Pain.
Me: Which point is that?
Monster: If your people find out, they will detest you. Why would you even want to risk that? How can you help them if they can’t stand you?
Me: That doesn’t strike me as especially likely. You really think that’s what will happen? And is that the only option of how this could go, in your opinion?
Monster: Remember the noozletter of that one biggified chick? When she was all, ooh look at me I’m in vacation in Paris and this is the view from my fancy hotel, don’t you want to be fabulously successful like me, you should buy my blah blah product. And then you unsubscribed because she was so annoying.
Me: You’re right. I did.
Monster: See? That’s what will happen!
Me: I’m glad you don’t want that to happen. Can you really imagine me doing something like that?
Monster: No, not intentionally. But a lot your people are really, truly struggling. A lot of times they’re working a gazillion hours a week at a job they hate and they’re working on destuckifying, using your techniques and they’re working on their thing. How DARE YOU take three months off? How dare you?!
Not off.
Me: Well, to be fair, it’s not off. It’s not time off. It’s three months devoted to working on one specific project.
Monster: (accusing) That will make you money.
Me: Well, yeah. That’s one of the perks of having a business, once it reaches a certain level of healthiness. And anyway, if it helps people and makes money, isn’t that okay? And I cannot believe you are ganging up on me like this with my money monsters when you said you’d come alone. And when we’re supposed to be discussing my Skabbatical.
Monster: So it’s not vacation.
Me: No. Though, to be honest, that would be nice. We might have to have a talk about that someday too.
Monster: It’s not vacation?
Back to the shame shame shame again …
Me: No. It’s projectizing. Intentional projectizing time.
Monster: But such an extravagant environment for it? Is that really necessary? So much money? What if you get caught? EXPOSED! Shame!
Me: Wait a minute. Are you implying … wait, that can’t be right. It kind of sounds as though you don’t really care whether or not I do this as long as no one finds out about it. Can that be right? What happened to “all things that cost money are bad”?
Monster: As long as no one finds out — AND — as long as you are working — AND — as long as you are convinced that this particular environment will help you be creative and produce (which I have seen happen and so I believe it), it isn’t necessarily bad. You know, in this particular situation.
Me: I don’t believe this. Really?! You don’t care about the all-luxury-is-bad thing anymore? We’re over that one? Ohmygod.
Monster: But NO ONE can find out. Ever. And here’s the thing. Someone could. Someone probably will. And you do not want to risk that. Remember the people who were jealous and horrified when you bought the really nice mattress? Remember?
Me: Yeah.
Monster: Yeah.
Me: Okay. So I’m on board! What’s our plan?
Monster: Our plan? Our plan? Huh?
Our plan!
Me: Our plan! We either need a Super Secret Glamorous Spy plan to not get found out. Or we need to have a plan to bring it out into the open, and frame it in such a way that my people will get it.
Monster: Get it? Get it how?
Me: Listen, my people like me.
Monster: Pfffffft. If you say so.
Me: Whatever. Either way. They like the fact that the stuff I write about is useful to them. And so if this is a trip designed to help me write more things that are useful and better things that are useful … and if I’m still going to be posting regularly to the blog, why wouldn’t they be happy for me? You’re the one they don’t like, anyway.
Monster: You are delusional, my crazy, crazy friend. Sure, they’d be supportive of the idea, maybe. But not if they knew how much it costs to take three months off. That’s luxury. You can’t flaunt luxury. It’s extravagant. It’s disgusting. Shame!
Me: Yeah, I know. We’ve covered this so many times. And yet, it still sounded for a while there like you wanted me to have this beautiful writing project vacation.
Monster: I do. You deserve it.
Me: What? Who are you?!
Monster: I know you.
Me: You know me?
Remembering.
Monster: Remember Berlin?
Me: How could I forget Berlin?
Monster: Huddled in the cold. Writing the very first version of your website? You were amazing. But your situation was so … shaky. The abandoned building, the punks in the yard, the squatters, the junkies, the complete and utter lack of funds, lack of plans, lack of options.
Me: I remember. I was there. And that wasn’t even the worst we’ve been in, not by a long shot.
Monster: So, I don’t know, it seems like poetic justice somehow. Having three months to travel, be somewhere beautiful, eat good food, write your heart out and create something that the world needs. It sounds really good, actually.
Me: Are you sure you’re one of my monsters? Did I accidentally invoke a helper mouse instead? I do not believe what I’m hearing.
Monster: But no one can know — you cannot ever tell them, because they won’t understand. They weren’t there. They never slept in a kindergarten. They don’t know loss like you know loss. They can’t understand the way you have lived. They won’t get it. They won’t understand that this is about redemption.
Who doesn’t know loss.
Me: I’m not sure that I understand that this is about redemption either. But either way, I think that’s kind of presumptuous. How can either of us know what my people have gone through?
Monster: I don’t know.
Me: That’s my point. How can we know what kinds of loss they have experienced? Anyway, who hasn’t experienced loss and pain? So what if they weren’t there? Why should we assume that they won’t or can’t understand?
Monster: Do you really want to risk being shunned?
Me: Whoah. Who is shunning? What are you talking about?
Monster: (closed eyes and deep scary voice) They’ll cut you off. You will have no community. You will die alone.
Me: Wait. Who are you? This sounds like really old stuff. It’s not from now, is it?
Monster: (emerges from trance): Huh? Maybe.
Clearing.
Me: Listen. How much of this belongs to now?
Monster: (shrugs)
Me: Come on. Give me a percentage.
Monster: Five percent. Maybe seven.
Me: Okay. So we’re going to give the rest back to wherever it came from. And how much of what’s left belongs to me?
Monster: Not very much.
Me: So it can go back to where it came from too.
Monster: I guess.
Me: So what’s this shunning thing about?
Monster: I don’t know. That was weird. I’m not sure where that came from but you’re right. It really doesn’t have anything to do with your life. My job is to protect you from disaster but I’m not going to fight disasters that don’t exist. Not anymore.
Me: Thank you.
Monster: Sure.
Me: Where do we stand now?
Monster: In relation to?
Me: Three months of Skabbatical.
Monster: I still really don’t like the idea of people knowing.
Me: What can’t they know?
Monster: How much you spend on it. And you cannot be too loud in your enjoyment. It can’t seem like you’re lording it over them. You have to write about the sucky parts too.
Me: I always do, no?
Monster: Yeah, but you have to be careful. It could seem like you’re bragging.
Me: What, that I’m working on the book?
Monster: You’re moving forward on a dream. That shit pisses people off. Don’t you know that yet? How have you not learned that yet?!
Responsibility and freedom.
Me: Who? Who am I supposedly going to be pissing off?
Monster: You know who.
Me: Say it.
Monster: Nuh-uh. Not going to say it. You know.
Me: I don’t, actually. Is it __________? Is it X? Is it Y?
Monster: Who cares. There are a lot of people in your life who don’t act on stuff they want. Do you really want to be responsible for their pain?
Me: No.
Monster: I told you so.
Me: But that’s because I’m not responsible.
Monster: What? What are you talking about?
Me: It has nothing to do with me. It’s not my responsibility. It’s their responsibility to do stuff with their dreams. If the steps I take inspire them, yay. If not, oh well. It has nothing to do with me.
Gotcha.
Monster: Remember how you wanted to spend this week getting better at being sovereign?
Me: Yeah.
Monster: Behold the master. Shaka!
Me: Dude, have you been devil’s-advocate-ing me? No way! Get out of town!
Monster: You’re the queen, baby. You’re the queen.
Me: I don’t believe this.
Monster: That’s how transformation works. Or have you not noticed?
Me: So we’re done here?
Monster: You wanna hit the bar?
And … comment zen for today.
So yeah. Talking to monsters is challenging, intimidating and can be really painful. I’m so sorry. And I highly recommend having a Negotiator with you at all times.
Anyway. We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We all get to talk about what we’re working on. We’re here to support each other.
This is an incredibly personal thing I’m sharing here — not to be told what to do with it, but in the hope that someone else gets a glimpse of something useful. Love, as always, to everyone who reads.
Follow
Monster: You can’t possibly comment on Havi’s blog. You never have before and you’ll probably say something inane or redundant or reductive or in other ways show your inadequate grasp of the essence of her post and the English language. PLUS, you’re stealing her format and that’ll either make you look like a suck-up or just a stealer wheeler who can’t think up her own funky ways of saying stuff
Jill: you’re right. Do we still have Season 4 of LOST out on loan? I might go and see if Jack and Kate really do get off that freakin’ island and get together.
Monster: MUCH better use of your time.
Jill: but can’t I just say how utterly blown away I am by Havi and how I used her website today as part of a “analyse the best blogs in your nichc” exercise and spent twice as much time here as I timeboxed? Plus, I’m Australian. She’ll like that.
Monster: She doesn’t care if you’re Plutonian, just get off this blog. Quick as you can.
Jill: On my way.
Havi — I am in awe. When I read what you write I see courage and humour and insight. The blogosphere is a better place because of it. Bravo.
I like this monster. He’s cool!
That wasn’t trippy at all though. I’m disappointed. Just kidding. That was really useful. I like how you pulled the monster up short when he started about money. I have a lot of trouble keeping monsters on track, they just seem to meander all over the place and I can barely keep up.
Wow! What a tricksy little bugger that one was!
Where your monster says, ‘That was weird. I don’t know where that came from’, does that mean… your monsters have monsters? Because that boggles my mind.
.-= Chloe Walker´s last post … chloewrites- @madeinmelbourne We saw Greenberg It was good! Ben Stiller is crusty =-.
I have a shame monster following me around (he likes to hide in closets). I wish he were this articulate right now! And now I know where his cousin likes to hang out! 😉
Sometimes my monsters aren’t even monsters, they are just other people who I’ve given permission to rent space in my head. I think my monster is saying X, but really it’s this other person I know who has said X to my face. And now X is floating around in my brain and I think I thought it up! So I loved the idea of identifying what is yours and giving the rest BACK to where it came from.
Thanks for sharing!
Dude! Your monster was a helper mouse with a touch of boxing coach! That’s so awesome, Havi. It gives me hope that if I face my monsters with the same kind of courage and patience you do, they might turn out to be helpful after all, too.
High five!
.-= Catherine Cantieri, Sorted´s last post … Where do you start Part 2 =-.
Thanks for sharing this conversation. Everytime I read these exchanges?…encounters?…whatever they are, I get more tips on how to converse with my own monsters. Super helpful.
For the record, I’m ecstatic that you’re considering taking a skabbatical. It’s the coolest, bravest thing. Although I realize it’s entirely yours, it nonetheless stands as a great model for self-care and nurturing your dreams. Of knowing yourself and what you need.
I cannot WAIT (no pressure! really!) to read your book or whatever other treasures you create, between now, then, and beyond. I have long been craving a book from you. Not sure why — maybe it’s greed, maybe it’s wanting something tangible (though I have no idea if it’ll be a print product, but whatever it is, I can picture it in my hands), maybe because I love love love books, and I greatly benefit from and enjoy your concepts. Books + Havi = a natural pairing!
.-= Dawn´s last post … All the Monsters Have Hearts =-.
^^PS: sorry about all the indiscriminate italicizing. I was excited.
.-= Dawn´s last post … All the Monsters Have Hearts =-.
thank you!
and i’ll add my name to the record of people who want this for you. the more luxury the better. self-care. nourishing. dreams. bring it on.
.-= andrea´s last post … creative genius badge =-.
‘Havi’s writing a book, Havi’s writing a book’ – in case you weren’t clear, that was me doing the happy helper mouse dance of joy. Of course you should have a – shush – vacation or a sabbatical.
.-= Kirsty Hall´s last post … On Being Brave =-.
Okay, you guys are so awesome I can hardly stand it. THANK YOU.
And my monster who says you guys are sick of reading about my monsters, especially when our conversations are long and rambly, has just been shown Useful Evidence that he might be wrong. I should have known he was just scared that I’d talk to *him* and sort things out.
@Jill – That is the most delightful, hilarious, wonderful thing I’ve read all week. Mwah!
@Chloe – whoah, I don’t know if monsters have monsters. That is a little intense. My sense was that this one got … hijacked. Like old internal psychological programming was jumping in. But what that actually means? No idea. I felt very relieved when asking everything-not-from-now to leave actually worked.
Hugs to everyone. Appreciation!
New here…loving the monsters…just starting to sweep mine our from under the rug, and in their corners and out of the closets and give them names. Thank you.
I just want to say I LOVE that monster! Can I please please borrow him? I think I could use one of those long talks, where everything gets better after. Or clearer… Hmm… Scheduling monster chat for tonight, hope it goes as well as yours.
And YAY for the BOOK!!!
Dear Havi’s Monsters-Who-Think-Her-People-Are-Sick-Of Monsters… I’m not sick of you! The Monster Chronicles are my absolute favorites. They remind me who I am. And since I’ll never be sick of who I am, I’ll never be sick of Monster Chronicles. In fact, if I ever find a pirate map? Before I sought the X-marks-the-spot treasures, I’d head strait for the Here Be Monsters! Seas.
And I can also assure you that I, for one, will *definitely* understand if Havi takes a long writing Skabbatical. And I will welcome her back from it with welcome arms (or open fonts) (or something)
So there!
And Jill? You cracked me up!
.-= Tori Deaux´s last post … Needful Things! The Yes-I’m-Still-Breathing Edition =-.
oh Havi
I love it when you talk to the monsters! especially when they say completely unexpected things that I never could have guessed! like the “gotcha” there at which I was laughing out loud.
(and I’m not just saying that in answer to the monster who says we’re sick of reading about the monsters – I was already going to say it before I read as far as that comment)
also, these vacation/sabbatical/time-out-to-create things… I’m watching to see how you do it for when I do one myself some time… it’s very useful stuff. so thanks.
.-= Jennifer´s last post … Satirical video not by me =-.
Clever little bugger, this one! Much love to him, to you, and to your wonderful, as-luxurious-as-you-can-stand, skabbatical writing vacation. *mwah*
What a great dialogue!
If it helps, I’m a reader who has been going through a tough time looking for jobs and having little in the way of money, and I would find it delightful and inspiring to read about you being happy on Skabbatical someplace fabulous. We’re rooting for you, out here on the internets.
I have been talking to the New Relationship monsters this week, and this conversation really applies to that situation. So, so much. Especially the “okay, how much of this is about NOW?” part!
Wow, this is awesome. When I got to the word redemption I burst into tears. It made me think of myself and how much of the way I’m living now is a redemption for the unhappiness that I inflicted on myself over the years–the thinking I wasn’t good enough, the incessant fat talk, the feeling invisible, the wanting to be invisible–and so much more.
I like to think of each day as a redemption for all of that.
The conversations with your monsters are so helpful. Please keep sharing.
And I knew this was something I really, really wanted because about ten monsters showed up immediately and were extremely emphatic about what a terrible idea this is.
This is a great piece of articulate-ness about how good things make stuff come up! Love it.
Looking forward to blog posts from Skabattical!
Count me among the Monster Fans. 🙂 These talks are fun and super helpful when I’m dealing with my own monsters.
I’m also in favor of Writing Skabbatical. Have a wonderful time!! We’ll be right here when you get back!
I’m already impatient to read the book. (Oh patience, one day perhaps we will meet.)
So we’d get Havi blogging + being in a super fabulous place + writing an awesome book = basically get yourself on that plane now. It sounds wonderful and inspiring that it can be done without becoming a soul whore.
Havi, this was wonderful. Thank you for sharing it. I can’t wait to see what comes out of your Skabbatical.
(And you’re inspiring me to pursue my dreams. Thank you for that, too. ♥)
.-= Chris Anthony´s last post … Everyday Delight 4 – Comfort Edition =-.
Oh, also:
@Jill: Welcome! I hope you leave many more comments; that was great. 🙂
@Chloe and @Havi: It’s monsters all the way down, clearly. 🙂
.-= Chris Anthony´s last post … Everyday Delight 4 – Comfort Edition =-.
@Lindsay “Sometimes my monsters aren’t even monsters, they are just other people who I’ve given permission to rent space in my head. I think my monster is saying X, but really it’s this other person I know who has said X to my face. And now X is floating around in my brain and I think I thought it up! So I loved the idea of identifying what is yours and giving the rest BACK to where it came from.”
Argh! Yes! That! I have *got* to stop renting out the space in my head, I need it for my own creative Things. Time to kick out the tenants. Sorry, tenants. (Sort of sorry. Well, not really.)
@Jill I’m Australian too! High five.
@Chloe and @Lindsay …the other people/monsters who rent space in your head = ME TOO. How do they get there?
But more importantly: do you ever think those monsters might go away completely? Sometimes I go back and forth on whether I think the monsters will go away one day, or if they’re meant to stick around but just get less powerful as I become more self aware. But can we learn about ourselves without the monsters that appear sometimes?
I don’t know. Maybe some are helpful monsters at heart, and others are vindictive things from the past that are ultimately meant to get kicked out.
Or maybe one day it will be like the monsters in Where The Wild Things Are, and we’ll sleep in a big fuzzy pile together because we’re all friends, and I know sometimes they’ll say silly things but it won’t matter as much to me anymore. I’m caught between this image of vanquishing the monsters, or of living in happy friendly harmony with them.
.-= Jesse´s last post … Very Personal Ad No 3 =-.
Havi, you are amazing and I love you! (But not in a weird I-want-a-piece-of-your-clothing kind of way, more of a you-make-everything-seem-ok-even-the-crappy-bits-and-it’s-really-ok-to-be-me kind of way. Just wanted to clear that up.) Thank you thank you thank you! 🙂
I’ve only been reading your blog since the start of the week; and I’m totally addicted. Especially love the monster talks – they make so much more sense to me than all that inner child, transactional analysis, gestalt crap that I’ve tried and failed to use. Monsters are just so much easier to work with (still terrifying though!)
It seems like going on a super-Skabbatical is like introducing Selma to the world – those that get it are those that you want around you; those that don’t… meh! Go for it. 🙂
My monsters use shame as a weapon with awful regularity, so this post is super helpful.
I also am coming to recognize what it feels like when I get an emotional response that isn’t even mine. It may feel like it’s mine, but then it turns out to be a legacy, perhaps from a parent or grandparent, or from some source that I don’t even recognize at all.
My job is to protect you from disaster but I’m not going to fight disasters that don’t exist. Not anymore.
Beautiful. Are you listening, Kat-monsters? Hey, I have an idea: I’ll protect you from the disasters that don’t exist, and whenever you believe you’ve discovered a disaster that does exist, let me know, and we can talk. Okay?
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … The trouble with “middle vision” =-.
@Kat’s Kat-monsters: I know you’re used to being the protectors so this may seem weird, and now it’s time to have new ways of protecting Kat.
@Peta – that’s so sweet. Thank you. I also often can’t really get anywhere with inner child stuff, even when the process is similar. Anyway, HI!
@Jesse – yes. To all of that.
My experience so far has been: the more I consciously interact with my monsters (and all parts of me that show up) …
1) the less impressed/scared I am,
2) the easier it is to come to a reconciliation
3) the less time it takes
4) the more comfortable it is
5) the quicker I am to realize that we’re on the same team
6) the more likely they are to reveal the support and the kindness they have for me (in which moment they stop being monster-monsters and become furry-cuddly-monster-friends)
So it’s an ongoing practice, yes, and at the same time it gets considerably easier. I imagine that at some point I will be so well versed in this that there won’t be anything to be intimidated by, just respectful conversations.
They show up more and get louder when I ignore their messages (and my own fear and pain). They get more agreeable when everyone’s needs get acknowledged and when there is room for all parts of me. Does that make sense? I hope so … 🙂
@Chloe and Lindsay – totally. I return people’s stuff to them several times a day. Actually, pretty much all the time. “That’s mine, that’s not mine, this is something that belongs to me, this is something I’ve taken from someone else, everything in my space that isn’t mine can go back to where it came from.”
The thing I’ve learned from Hiro is: the more time I spend in my own space and being present in it, the harder it is for anyone else to get in there.
@Chris – monsters all the way down! I LOVE it.
@Jane – I love that you said soul whore. Awesome.
Falling asleep here. Must go to bed. Hugs to all. You are lovely.
That was both incredibly useful (I *will* be using this technique with my own monsters) and the end gave me such a fit of the giggles my daughters came into the room to see why I was laughing so hard. Better living with comedy! Thank you!
.-= Jeliza´s last post … a few more lumen prints =-.
dude, that was awesome! shaka!
i had an interaction with a Fun Monster last week, who basically wanted me to accomplish what i wanted me to accomplish: release from a cycle of OverWrought OverThink (OWOT a bitch this is, etc.). The fighting and arguing and demand for Fun were just the *words* he was using–and honestly, as soon as the monster asked for release, i felt this…expansion…on a physical level (gah! woo-woo alert!)
I have promised to relax, engage in the qualities of Fun deliberately, say yes to more, and we have been at peace since!
shaka!