A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

I know who I am

Addiction patterns

I am hooked on a language app that many people, very rightfully, are currently abandoning (“user attrition”), as the CEO decided to use AI and waste the world’s precious water reserves instead of paying human beings to do jobs.

Someone less addicted than me might have their values in the right place and make choices accordingly, but lololol not me. I stayed up until 1am last night reviewing vocabulary for points, even though I’m someone who likes to be asleep by 9pm.

I forgot who I was. I can’t explain it better than that.

Clue: Your POWER comes from the GROUND UP

This is a clue I have working with lately.

It is a clue from boxing, but it also relates to dance, yoga, writing, really everything I can think of that I enjoy. Maybe even language learning.

In dance you draw power up from the earth, and you send energy down into the earth. You use the floor.

The floor is your one true dance partner, a constant, like the breath. The floor is where your power comes from, if you choose to use it, if you dance with the floor, instead of moving on top of the floor.

There’s your body, and your partner’s body, and the music and the connection itself.

But it all comes from, or reacts to, your grounded push-pull relationship with the floor, receiving power, drawing it up, grounding down.

Olympia

My mother’s favorite movie was Moonstruck.

I would probably also put this movie in my top ten. What’s not to love. The absolutely bonkers chemistry between Cher and Nicolas Cage, the opera, New York City in the snow, the romance, the character actors, the bakery, the Italian-ness, the banter, the philosophizing about love, the idea that sometimes a thing that is bad is good, and sometimes the good thing is bad.

The grandfather instructing the dogs to howl at the moon. Olympia Dukakis cooking egg-in-a-hole* for Cher.

* I’m linking to that piece specifically for the phrase Suburban Cowboy Eggs, but also for the clip from the show Friends.

A classic.

Drinks in the face

My mother’s favorite part though is when Olympia Dukakis tells John Mahoney, “I can’t invite you in because I know who I am.”

That’s John Mahoney, better known as the cranky dad in Frasier but here playing the scene-stealing, extremely charming, emotionally messy, eternally baffled professor who ends up joining her for dinner and walking her home when she is in an emotionally vulnerable state.

And when I describe him as eternally baffled, I mean: eternally baffled by people’s entirely predictable reactions to his equally predictable behavior.

Knowing who you are, and then acting on it

As Sarah Larson phased it in the excellent New Yorker profile on him after his death, “Mahoney plays an aging lothario professor who often gets drinks thrown in his face by indignant younger women after a sleazy remark.” He does indeed, and then he’s baffled by it, and this repeats itself.

If you want a good recap of this movie, I would read this one. But also just go watch Moonstruck.

Anyway. Olympia Dukakis knows who she is, and that is what determined her choices, and this is what my mother loved most.

I used to think this was a weak point in the movie, but now I agree with my mother.

From the ground up

Is this (power from the ground up) related to my mom’s love of Moonstruck?

Surely the power of I know who I am is power from the ground up, embodied.

Surely this is the power that I am craving when I am trying to connect to the ground, the reset I need when I forget what is important to me.

You can see in Cher’s acceptance speech for the Oscar she won for Moonstruck that she too knows who she is.

I am thinking about games

I am pretty much constantly thinking about C Thi Nguyen’s excellent writing on games and gamification, and how Thi says that games and gamified systems and experiences essentially train you to align your value system with the values of the game.

A great example being Twitter (RIP), a place whose utility and joy, for me at least, came from things like connecting with colleagues, having interesting conversations, having a place to share your weird little brain thoughts, etc.

But because of the nature of the platform, and because of the way our brains react to Number Goes Up, you could make some little joke that got thirty thousand likes, and then suddenly you’re trying to be the person who makes thirty thousand people laugh, instead of being someone who is there for connection.

Related: I am thinking about choices

So let’s say, because it’s true, that I am someone who loves to learn languages because I love words and people and connection and solving a giant puzzle. And I am also someone who loves Early To Bed.

But the app is a behavior modification mechanism, as Zadie Smith puts it.

And really, it is a values modification mechanism, according to the work C Thi Nguyen is doing.

The point of the app is allegedly to help me learn languages, but what it trains me to do is to be on there at certain times doing certain activities to get the highest number of points, or to achieve a goal that is related to the app and not related to I know who I am.

Thi says that the only way to navigate this is to regularly check in with yourself to make sure that you are still acting in ways that are aligned with your values and not the values rewarded in the game.

Sticky

That’s probably the best possible advice for this sticky situation, and also it is extremely clear that I am forgetting who I am, and what is important to me.

Anyway, this morning I woke up late and felt wildly hungover, and ate the entire chocolate bar that was supposed to be for a baking project I was excited about, and skipped morning jog, and (astonishingly) felt worse.

About as surprising as John Mahoney getting a drink in his face.

I wrote a sticky note to myself about that sticky situation with the themes I feel drawn to contemplate for today…

Themes to contemplate (for me, right now) include…

• never again
• check in with your own values
• stay curious: things change, you change, that’s okay, just find out what feels true and right for you right now
• do you know who you are, babe
• because you used to be someone who didn’t compromise on sleep or morning practices
• but also we can salvage this and everything is an experiment and therefore useful
• and also Compassion First, before and after everything and also in between
• what would help?
• RESET, RESTART, REGROUND
• draw power from the earth, start from the ground up

I was in a major downward spiral day, and then I interrupted it, with these themes and questions, and with the reminder to me to keep adding compassion.

I am thinking about the question: What is the utility

I have a friend who, somewhat like John Mahoney in Moonstruck, is eternally baffled by people’s reactions to his predictably inappropriate behavior.

Sometimes I am good at the American practice of prefacing what I am about to say with “can I be blunt”, and then also softening what I was going to say. But sometimes the Israeli side of me forgets to do that, or simply doesn’t want to.

And so, the other day, after he said something predictably inappropriate but particularly out of line, I said:

“Dude, do you not ever just get tired of being a frustrated, resentful, homicidally horny innuendo machine? What is the utility in that? What is it giving you?”

Interesting interesting

And he was hurt and annoyed, by my bluntness or by the content of it, which is interesting, because hurt and annoyed is quite often the exact response he receives to the inappropriate things he says, which he doesn’t have a lot of patience for.

What’s the utility? Do we know?

I know who I am

And I tried to explain that the things he says do not offend me, they are just irrelevant to me. I don’t need to know them, because I know who I am.

And I am okay saying that I don’t want this input, because I know who I am.

Even if sometimes I forget.

Because forgetting is part of remembering.

What would Orna say

I had a beloved teacher in Tel Aviv, back when I was studying something called the Yemima method, and she would often say something like this:

If someone’s behavior is annoying you, there is probably some element to this that is reminding you of a situation in your own life where your behavior also doesn’t make sense, or isn’t aligned. And you’re annoyed about that.

It’s not that the other person’s behavior isn’t annoying. It’s that the reactiveness to it is coming from something closer to home.

In other words, I see my friend repeating behavior that does not serve him, and does not bring him joy, and I want better for him, and for everyone who encounters him. And then I have to investigate my impatience further.

Okay, so two questions arise from this…

Two questions, with an “And, also”

Can I set clear, firm, loving boundaries with the people in my life?

And also: can I look at the places in my own life where I too am repeating behavior that does not serve me and does not bring me joy.

Which leads to a third question: Can I want better for myself?

Okay, how about a fourth question…

Can I know who I am?

I am thinking about Grounded Enthusiasm

Can I stay grounded and positive, can I channel curiosity and infectious joy, can I be motivated by what I value?

Anatomy of a downward spiral day

Like I said, I stayed up way too late (for me, people vary), and then was moody and cranky and impatient with myself.

I got mad at myself for forgetting to do something the app rewards me for, and then I didn’t do languages at all, which is the whole reason I use the app to begin with, then got mad at myself about that.

Then contemplated a wide variety of regrets and sadness and shame related to the last thirteen years since my former mentor brought a lawsuit against me, and all the ways I didn’t protect my students or myself, and how I should have just shared all the information I had with everyone instead of following the advice of my lawyer and staying quiet to not exacerbate or escalate.

And how everyone said it would blow over, and all the ways I thought it would eventually be fine because people know I’m a good person and therefore they would know that if someone says I’m not then obviously that person is either mistaken or confused or being dishonest, but it wasn’t fine.

How does it work, to know yourself? And other questions

I knew who I was and thought everyone else did but that’s not how anything works.

And how will I ever make things right? Is it even possible to do that? AND SO ON.

Forgetting and returning

Like, I fully spiraled today. In the bad way.

And it all started from forgetting that going to bed early is the most basic foundational piece (for me, I’m not giving advice to anyone else) in my self-care and mental health maintenance, which I forgot because I let the app change what I value.

Sometimes spirals can be healing though. A re-patterning. A celebration of roundness and returns.

Remember? Yes.

Channeling compassion for a downward spiral

Extremely normal to have trouble granting ourselves compassion and grace in a downward spiral.

In fact, I can’t think of anything less helpful than someone telling me to have compassion for myself, that’s sure to backfire.

And yet I know I would model compassion, grace, loving acceptance and warmth for someone I love who was downward spiraling. So can I remember to do that for myself, even a little?

Again, we forget in part in order to have the experience of remembering

This is something another teacher of mine, Esther Gokhale, says all the time.

Forgetting is part of remembering. We forget and then we can remember again later.

This is part of the learning process and part of making progress; not a diversion from the path but an intrinsic part of being on a path.

Let’s pause, breathe, remember. Good job to us for remembering, each time we remember.

I know who I am (some of the time at least)

I know who I am.

I forget, I remember.

And also: it changes.

And that’s okay too.

And that’s okay too

If I want to experience or experiment with being someone who stays up to 1am, god bless. It’s an experiment. Nothing is written in stone. My yeses can change.

Experimenting is how I learn. Visiting the edges. Returning to center.

Lovingly interrupting the pattern, and resetting the VALUES (yes, all meanings) of my own game that I am playing. And not the one the game wants me to play or is playing for me, or the game that is playing me.

A sugar cube into the champagne

Champagne is served twice in Moonstruck, and both times Loretta (Cher’s character) drops a sugar cube into it.

This is related to an Italian superstition that you need to distract the devil who is attracted to your joy. You sort of feed the devil with a different form of joy.

I love this because I love ritual, and I love this because I love sweetness, but mainly I love the idea of acknowledging fear and discomfort, and giving it something.

What if? Let’s start there

Today I got mad at myself when I (extremely predictably) shifted my behavior and my values because I (predictably) got conned by the Behavior & Values Modification App designed by the smartest people in the world to get me to do just that.

But what if I drop a cube of sugar into this experience of being upset with myself over a series of predictable events, and take a breath, draw power from the ground up, and reset.

I can reset and reconfigure through getting curious. What do I value right now? What brings me joy?

Yes, that’s a good starting point

Let’s start there, with patience, with grace, and ideally the ability to laugh at my own shenanigans.

I tried something and I didn’t like where it got me. And now I get to follow the questions…

What is the utility? Where is the joy? Let’s drop a cube of sugar into this and take joy in the bubbling-up.

Power from the ground up. Effervescence. Curiosity. Loving Clarity.

The experiments continue.

Come drop sugar cubes with me.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

You are invited to share any related situations or musings (or favorite Moonstruck quotes) of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️