Hello, week: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
This is where we chicken.
Thank you, week! Or maybe not. Or as close as I can get to that.
Some weeks are harder to say thank you to.
Some weeks, I just want to wrap up the week in a shroud and drop it into the middle of the ocean, and cry.
Some weeks I don’t have the thank you in me, but you know what? We have been doing this for four hundred and twenty one weeks in a row now, and either I will find-or-remember the good in this week (of which I am sure there was plenty, I am just not in the mindset for it), or something else will happen.
That is what the space of ritual is for: experiencing what is. And sometimes [what is] is not the most fun. Zeh ma yesh, as we say in hebrew. That’s what we’ve got. Also known as baby that’s how it is right now.
What’s been working?
Many things. Deleting most of the contacts from my phone — everyone who doesn’t make me smile from ear to ear with delight upon seeing their name has to go.
Renaming everyone else so that their name matches how I think of them: Va is a badass. Laura is a sailor. Dar hunts for treasure. Audrey photographs rodeos. Agent Spalding: favorite robot.
I might try…
I don’t know what to try right now. I think that is because I didn’t leave town when I needed to leave town, and then it was too late to solve the mysteries because I was in them. I am going to try leaving town.
Naming the days.
This was the week of new adventures await and these were the days.
Ready to glow clarity. Let there be lightness. Il dolce far niente aka the sweetness of doing nothing. Effortless visible movement. Palace in progress. Star power. The star is here.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Time to put my house in order.
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The mystery of 103 degrees fahrenheit (39.5 celsius), which is also the mystery of it is no longer sustainable or even possible to do any of the things that I need to do in order to be moderately functional. A breath.
- The mystery of how are we not all marching in the streets about climate change? I mean, obviously because it is way too hot to march. This week my heart ached about all the many things in the world that are not okay, the situations, the injustices, the terror, and how we act as if they are normal, and then they become normal. A breath of hope, please.
- Related to the above, the mystery of Portland is full of homeless people and my heart aches for this and for how is anyone going to make it through this heat, or through any of this, and what does it mean for me to be in a place that constantly reminds me of the worst thing that happened to me? I mean, if, god forbid, I had been attacked by a shark, would it make sense to live in a place that required me to swim past shark reefs multiple every day? That is not the right metaphor, because it’s more like I had to be a shark once, but I also had to pass as a dolphin while I was a shark, which was scary and exhausting, and now I am, let’s say, a mermaid with some painful memories, and I want to give back to sharks and to dolphins because I know what it is like, but/and I also do not ever want to swim in the same waters that I swam in before, or even be reminded of what it is like to be in that environment. I am not explaining this well at all. Who is the me who says NO THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR ME, I will make new choices and make sure I can float somewhere safe and beautiful, to heal without these daily reminders of Then. Breathing for light and safe passage.
- The mystery of the perfect storm of premenstrual hating-everything, combined with severe sleep deficit because of [loud circumstances beyond my control], combined with the cowboy performing his patented maneuver of pulling the rug out from under my feet and then immediately disappearing into some magical place where there’s no cell service so we can’t talk about what just happened, and somehow this takes me by surprise every single time, even though this has happens so often that I should be able to just put it on the calendar at this point. And then I get lost in the way deep past and my history of rugs and not trusting the ground, and I get mad at myself for falling for this shit, in addition to feeling hurt and sad and pulled into stories and stew-stirring and misunderstanding. A breath for loving myself unconditionally, because here I am in all my pain and fear, and I am the adult now who can give tiny-me all the hugs and reassurance in the world.
- The mystery of the three week migraine from hell, which is not actually a mystery at all, since I know exactly what is causing it and what to do about this situation, but it involves cutting ties and pissing some people off, and this requires being brave, and I think that requires more sleep so I can do this from a calm, rested, state of in-my-power-and-grace. A breath for this.
- The mystery of how intensely I loathe the basement studio that I have been working on making since January, and how it is not working at all as practice space, or as any kind of space, and I cannot put any more time or money into this mystery. And the mystery of where is my sanctuary if not here, in addition to the ongoing mystery of where will my new home be, well, it’s just too many mysteries, and I am out of things to try, and I thought I had found a beautiful temporary sanctuary for September but now that’s in the category of “who knows, we’ll see”. A breath for whatever is opened for me through saying no to all the no-things now. And, as I said last week, a breath for all the right solutions — speedy, easy, inexpensive solutions, may they reveal themselves soon.
- I miss my mom. I miss the beautiful cowboy. I miss the sea. I miss the red hills. I miss sunset in the desert. Intense heartache. A breath for whatever this is.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I said this last week and it is still true now: many beautiful things happened this week which proved that now is in fact nothing like then, and All Is Well, it just is, even when I forget this. And even if right now I cannot remember the beautiful things because I am in shock from the past twenty four hours, that doesn’t negate their beauty or the fact that they happened. I can remember that they happened even if temporarily unable to conjure their memory. I remember that this week included so much good, and it doesn’t stop being good just because I reflect on the week in a moment of hard. A breath of sweetness and presence.
- I am very, very clear on what I don’t want. Also on what I do want. Maybe I have not fully appreciated how much treasure in this, but it is actually a wonderful thing. A breath for this steady knowing and powerful certainty.
- While in my anger about [various things], I remembered what Karla says about how anger is a messenger that tells you a boundary has been crossed and needs to be restored. I said THANK YOU, MESSENGER over and over. I restored some boundaries. I stopped trying to fight AT&T and switched to a different phone company. And I exited situations and locations that asked me to exit them. A breath for remembering my crown.
- Another repeat from last week but still true and still amazing. The stone skipping not-a-course is full of wise, compassionate people saying wise, compassionate things, and so many sparks of good are sparking everywhere, and we are having the best insights and exploring things we never would have found without everyone else doing the work too. I am feeling so proud and joyful about all the self-fluency happening there. A breath of appreciation.
- Float tank is big wild magic for me. It is where I remember what it is like to be a star. A breath of thankfulness.
- A weekend of intense posture training — Gokhale! All day!— was very intense and brought up a lot of stuff, but it was so good for me. New and important things integrating in my body and life. I’m doing the work and it is hard (right now, for me), and it is worth it. Good for me. I can appreciate how hard it is, and also how valuable it is. A breath of gratitude for this.
- We send out the YEARbook! I read it three times. It is full of treasure. A breath of glad heart.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of the most incredible clues, the best salad I’ve eaten in my life, my mother’s favorite song playing, all-night hypnosis, dreaming up yeses with the beautiful far-away cowboy. What else? Oh right, I went dancing after a long time avoiding a dance, and I went in like a queen, and had so much fun! And had two fantastic lessons with my teacher who came to the coast to work with me. See? I knew good things happened. Maybe later I will remember more. In the meantime: Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the powers of Let There Be Lightness, and I had this in the form of floating and in the form of posture adjustments that allow me to carry myself with much more ease.
And I had the incredible-to-me power of asking the loud guy using the three-hour-bus-to-the-coast as his office to get off his phone, and he apologized and shut up. Actually, this week was full of people apologizing to me for things that are worthy of apologies, so maybe that was my superpower too.
Powers I want.
I would like more layers of Let There Be Lightness, in the form of energy lightness and emotional lightness and more ease of releasing. And the power of Feet On The Ground.
And I would like a mute button. Which is funny.
The Salve of Practice Secretly Pays Off, As Does Not-Practice.
This weekend I repeated the foundation course in the posture training I took two months ago, and was astonished to discover that things in the category of [I don’t get how to do this and I have not practiced it because I was practicing other things instead] just worked themselves out so easily. And now I can do all these things that were impossible two months ago.
This is the salve of that. It is filled with permission and sparkle. It opens your eyes and heart to see and appreciate all that is, and all that has changed, and all your hard work, and how your work (and your rest!) in totally different areas is changing everything.
This is a fractal flower salve, and it is big magic.
This salve brings the lightness and also lets things happen through-and-by lightness.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from Agent Sloan:
No Fake Babies
Their latest album is Ugh The Patriarchy But Also Fireflies, and this band is just one guy.
Announcement time….
My week may have been not the most fun, but at least I didn’t take anything my monsters said to heart at all, and that’s a useful skill. Highly recommended. You can buy the monster manual which is available here, and it is enormously useful if you would like to practice being Way Less Impressed with the horrible things that internal critical voices say.
Plus it comes with a coloring book.
Plus buying something at the museum gift shop helps offset the cost of running a free museum.
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
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a pebble for this week -o-
My hard and good are all intertwined right now. Yesterday I brought my deeply loved daughter to her new college and left her there, and we will spend days and weeks at a time in different geographic locations, for the first time ever, and that is hard. At the same time, she is beginning a grand and glorious adventure, she knows it and I know it, and there is *so* much good in this — and we will find ways to stay connected, they are already seeded and will continue to grow and blossom.
Havi, thank you, just thank you for the magic of this space, where we can come as we are and practice self-fluency together. Thank you. Here is a flower. {{*}}
Greetings and Pebbles to all.
The Tangled:
~ So. Much. Entanglement. Monster Soup and “Why don’t we make up ridiculously painful fantasies as a new way to suffer?”
~ Ethical dilemmas that are painful
~ Ethical dilemmas that I begin to get my head around only to find Crazy Entanglements and Twists that you couldn’t make up even if trying
~ conflicts of needs and caring deeply about their needs…combined with a crazy lack of reciprocity
~ intense pain at aching for the plight of many but one in particular who shared deeply
~ being ignored because it would appear I push her buttons though I’ve no idea why as she’s not taken the time to even remotely know me–and knowing my stuff is right in there too *smiles ruefully*
~ zero care/support from quarters expected
The Delicious
~ one sweet young thing who just loves and adores endlessly
~ insane and satiating lust
~ Untangling–and whilst painful, also sweet relief and big learning
~ Respecting my Ethical Stance; self-respect just always feels good
~ being trusted so deeply; being safe for others feels beautiful if at time not enough
~ oodles of care/support from unexpected quarters *smiles*
~ being valued by those who spend the most time with me; compared with being devalued by those who have little exposure *raises eyebrows (and secretly grins)*
Here it be’eth horridly cold and unbearable, so I look forward to the Northern hemisphere’s heat making it way down under, and may some of the cool of southern Australia’s winter (but not too much that you freeze!) make it’s way to those who be’eth too warm *smiles*
Hmm, placement error!
But sweet breaths to you, Kathleen, and your daughter…
<3 Always lovely to encounter you…
I’m estranged from my family of origin, have an uneasy relationship with family history that predates me, and yet… I’m the one who feels everything, the one who remembers, the writer & poet.
I’ve been trying to write about a Lithuanian-Jewish foremother, and I keep getting mired.
I definitely don’t want to write about my own mother (anymore – i’ve written reams about her, for years).
My obligations are murky.
How do I stay true to self, while X?
Love to everyone’s chickens and cheers to the week ahead.
Last week I asked for the superpowers of Strength Builds Quickly (Only Begin), That Was Unbelievably Easy, and Wisdom. and they showed up for me big time.
I’d like to…remember that superpowers are always there – I just need to invoke them.
Though [thing] was pretty-much-unbelievably easy, it is not over yet. May the next round be unbelievably easy.
-A thing with the house requires a number of to-do’s. Time consuming, wasn’t in the current plan, and [it] has decided that now is it’s right timing. Now? really?!
-It is too hot.
+Remembering, reminding myself, or maybe it’s learning-it-again— that it is a practice. Not an event. It works when I practice. Pulling out the tricks only when I’m in emergency mode yields emergency answers. Practice teases things out all along the way and builds a nice support structure.
+The energy of community in practice is a powerful thing. Grateful for the community.
+It was pretty-much-unbelievably easy. It was as easy as it could have been. Thank you, superpowers.
+Finding treasure – in the stone of treasure and finding treasure where I never looked before. Like, it is so bleeping hot (not usually my kind of treasure) and it is so hot that my neighbor, whose hobby has been sawing bricks [a truly disturbing noise that’s a cross between a dentist’s drill for the 50-foot woman and the world’s largest leaf blower] for over a year every weekend to hardscape his large back yard has not been sawing bricks because it’s too flipping hot.
+Hot spearmint tea that is very refreshing even in the heat of the weather.
Forgive me for my continual fascination with this one tiny detail of your rich, full tapestry of a life. But. When you got the bus guy to stop talking on his phone, how, exactly, did you accomplish it? Did you hand him a nicely worded (or, alternately, a seethingly passive aggressive) note?
So much of this post resonated with me.
Sometimes when I am climbing a mountain, the trail is covered in scree so that when you take a step up, you slide half a step back down, or maybe 2 steps back down, or 7 and you can’t get a grip and you wonder why you are there and when you will be done. I am on that scree trail right now. Sometimes is is also a trail of steep rocks that are slippery and the same thing happens. That is what this [everything] is.
The Hard:
The Comparison Monsters are whispering in the corner. Comparing what they think I should be to what I am.
I am so tired of this scree trail.
Nothing ever really changes.
The Good:
My foot does not hurt today. Thank you clogs.
Hello and cluck!
what worked last week: setting the bar low, and remembering what I want. the week had a bunch of stuff in it, and I listened to the No.
the sucks were few, but deeply rooted:
-more of the ’empty arms’ narrative. it sucks, and a bunch of it is starting to feel like a story I’m making up. I start feeling so Unto Myself, and then I start feeling lonely and longing and then
-the ‘I cant get no satisfaction’ narrative kicks up
-I start “wooking pa nub”
-many weeks ago I told MoonBoy: It doesn’t feel safe for me to go chasing people, so I expect that if people want to see me, they’ll INVITE ME. no invites, no calls, not even Faceboo likes.
-reaching out to several new friends, no one reaching back
-I had a lovely time at Red Tent on Saturday and the following day everything felt ‘gritty and unsettled.’ the whole day felt off, weird, not okay.
-sunday also sucked because I have a MILLION things to do, a MILLION pieces of art I want to do, that I cant stop thinking about all week. now I have hours of time to play and…nothing. so frustrating.
-and I end up just walking around all day, moving from one bit of puttering to the next and NOTHING moves forward. this was my lunation vow and it is not okay that I havge not moved it forward. I have tons of art supplies, ideas, writing projects, and I put no time in on any of these things
-when I don’t work on my art, I feel really REALLY shitty
-my garden is so sad. a breath for hopelessness
-the silent treatment. it makes me feel very hopeless
but there is sparkle:
-went to a burlesque show last Monday. yeah way too late for me, but I saw my friend J perform, and ran into friends. am becoming part of this community of practice.
-getting invites to play with the big girls
-went to Red Tent and invited a bunch og women, and got to spend time with one lady I’ve been wanting to get to know for years.
-rest
-have been asking for things to realse and let go and slowly, the clamp on my heart and mind is easing.
-beautiful projects
-a good talk with the husband, makes me feel less hopeless, maybe a step towards great hospitable-ness
The hard:
– sore throat, general blurghness
– still haven’t quite worked out how to let myself want something while acknowledging that it might not happen
– finding myself wanting more time at home than I’m getting at the moment
– fretting, making up ridiculous stories
The good:
– the wonderful story of the raffle in which I won the thing that I really wanted
– the wedding at which that raffle took place, hurrah that this can now happen
– dark blue nail varnish, and ohmyword my new hat
– found the boss key
Clues: dinosaurs; fossil hermit crab in an ammonite; multiple people telling me I look fabulous; Mary Poppins interviews her prospective employers; I come as myself and myself is a person who wears hats; the ASLEF poster.
HELLO CHICKEN
IT IS TIME TO CHICKEN
HOORAY
AND THANK YOU YAYS
So yeah, I’m moving to Boston next week and I’m just going to bounce up and down and all over the place because I’m SO EXCITED ABOUT IT. and also scared out my mind but WOW SO EXCITED EEEEEEEEE!!!!!
What’s been working?
+turning things over to the Agency
+continually reminding myself that no matter how well or poorly I do This Thing, it will be over on Ocean Day, the waves will wash everything away, the sandcastle will melt and we start over, that will bring us back to Do.
+regular visits to the land of Tree Sets
+working the Toolbox, hell yeah!!!
+saying nice things to myself a lot, because you know what, i’m great and i deserve to be treated with love and respect by myself and everyone else who interacts with me ever <3
I might try…
+interrupting more
+lighting up RadaLeez (on fire!!!)
+channeling Agent Raincoat 😉
+a little more Splash, a little less Tread
[Colorset 8B]
field green, cardinal feather, desert shade, sea foam, dry pine, juicy pink, tide reflection, screaming red, birthday purple, sunset pink
Hello, mysteries.
+Breathing for the Mystery of My Hand Hurts A Lot Except When I Don’t Use It But I Need It But It Hurts if I Use It But Oh Waaaaaaahhhh.
+Breathing for the Mystery of So Many Boxes. Box box box box box.
+Breathing for the Mystery of Point Three; what is the POINT, really? It is Three, but there is Heresy in the Control Panel. This is Problem of Mathematical Proportions which surely has a Solution somewhere, perhaps in a Closet somewhere, but who will find it and when will it be found? The mystery remains. The breathing carries us through.
+Breathing for the Mystery of Tactical Wing Green. Why this has to be a Tactical Wing I do not know but it is so, we breathe.
+Breathing for the Mystery of Dust Mites. And the somersault version, which I didn’t even realize was hiding in there. Wow! Spoons! Breathing.
+Breathing for the Mystery of Where Is My Favorite Tarot Deck? I figured I would have found it by now and there aren’t that many places left that it could be. Hmmm. Breathing delight for the Future Me who finds it!
+Breathing for the Mystery of Hex Aqua. I want it! I don’t want it! I am wanted by it! I am unwanted by it! All hands on deck? Yeesh. Breathing. Still alive. Breathing.
+Breathing for the Mystery of Why Is Ikea So Terrible? I mean, they have so many good things going for them but (a) it is a maze and I don’t like being in a maze (b) sensory overload (c) no natural light (d) SENSORY OVERLOAD DID I MENTION AAUUGHH. Breathing for Brave Me who went in there and LIVED and found the thing i wanted too! YAY ME.
Hello, delights!
+I had a birthday! I am birthdayed! I am 31! I am very happy to be 31! I am very happy to be alive another year!
+I had a going-away party and people came to my party and wore purple and brought foods and games and it was fun and lovely and celebratory and not stressful!
+I am getting a new bed! I successfully completed the mission to select the new bed that will be my bed and now I get to have a NEW BED to go with my NEW APARTMENT 😀 😀 😀
+I am not in as much pain right now as I thought I would be! This is pretty exciting!
+We are almost at the Ocean! The next Beach Leap is incoming! Whoa!!!!!
+There is only ONE UNIT between the Sparrow Nest and the Crane Palace! A unit of ONE!!!
+Dim sum. That is all. <3
+YAY FOUR YAY FOUR YAY FOUR YAY FOUR. <3
Superpowers? Fuck yeah!
+Superpower of Flick Swish, alive and ACTIVATED
+Superpower of Waves
+Superpower of Four Heart
+Superpower of Three Prong Plugs
🙂
Fake band? Fake band! This week our Fake Band is: Swooning Tomato! <3
<3<3<3
Happy birthday!
Your chicken is sparking for me! … In many ways, modern life (aka the Rigged Game) is like Ikea. But, just like Ikea, you can only go forwards, not backwards, and sometimes that is a good thing to remember.
Hm!
bork bork to everyone!
You bet! +saying nice things to myself a lot, because you know what, i’m great and i deserve to be treated with love and respect by myself and everyone else who interacts with me ever <3 <3 <3