the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 367th week of wishing, come play!
channel
sometimes I sit down to write a wish post
or anything asking to be written
and I suddenly know exactly why I have been doing
everything-else-but-this:
because being a conduit for my truth in this moment is intense
sometimes acutely uncomfortable
to channel these words and let them land
it asks us to enter into a state of awe
(1) Awe: in the presence of something mesmerizing in its magnificence
(2) Awe: you don’t want to look towards it and you can’t look away
yes it is tingly, powerful, beautiful
and sometimes I don’t want to be in it
truth is disruptive
but hey here we are
and the truth-words are asking to flow through me, no, glow through me
so let’s hear them clean and clear,
not in rant-form, this is a place of sanctuary,
not hiding, not apologizing, not placating, just what needs to be said
as it needs to be said
come in, truth-words, come in peace, come in as a ray of light
not a lightning strike
let me be the copper vase and the candle inside it
the container that holds the light and also the shimmering reflection
into shit
bryan, a favorite yoga person, says, about yoga,
“people bring their shit to yoga and turn yoga into shit”
what does this mean
yoga is for quieting, breathing, turning inwards,
listening, reflecting,
letting go of things that need letting go
which leads us to relinquish false stories or beliefs
to undo the rigging of the rigged game
and do less and choose ease and pause more
glow more light, meet ourselves with love and presence
which changes how we are in the world
and oh these are sweet and important things
and if you have ever fallen in love with yoga
this is probably why
which is a luscious transformative experience
and yoga was a door
but what actually happens, more often,
is that we — as individuals, of course, but really I mean this more
collectively as a culture,
we have brought our
comparison, competitiveness, monster stories
about not-good-enough and not-this-enough or that-enough
our never enough
and instead of letting the love-and-grace of [yoga]
transform our internal culture
we let these distortions in our broader culture transform yoga
and this is why yoga is full of shit
nothing is wrong with you, you probably just got the kind that
had already been turned into shit
so good for you for being discerning
what do you mean, full of shit
I mean, oh, just for example,
magazines about yoga that sell things
so that we can “do” yoga “better”
articles about how to get your leg behind your head
which is meaningless
classes on yoga for weight loss
which is worse than meaningless because not only is it meaningless
but also oppressive
judgment and exclusion and one right way and an end-goal
of looking or being a certain way
are not yoga
we have made a yoga of buy this thing, wear these clothes, look this way
and be in this exact alignment like this other person
curvy yoga had to come into existence because “regular” yoga
has been so horrifyingly unwelcoming to
people with bodies other than long-and-lean
that we had to invent new classes just to make safety
for people to be how they are, as they are
and do you see, being as we are was the original point
which has been lost
that was the point
to be so at home, so at peace in our body-minds,
in ourselves and our selves
that we can let go of all the shit
we have made a yoga of I’ll Be Happy When
when I can touch my toes
when I can reach X or accomplish Y
instead of a yoga of here I am right now in this moment
breathing presence
there is no one right way
and yet we we have constructed a yoga where it
is the norm that people
surrender sovereignty and agency
and look to experts to tell us what is correct
instead of feeling what is right for us
in our own bodies
where we live
in this moment right now
this is why I stopped teaching yoga
and also because I don’t believe yoga can be taught
or that it should be taught
being curious about the bodies we live in
how they move, what they desire, what supports them
in rest and recovery,
how to take exquisite care of ourselves
this curiosity and exploration is our heritage,
it is already ours,
so no one gets to teach us “how” to do yoga
at most they can just remind us that we are yoga
through living and breathing yogic qualities
anyway, I can say more about all that, some other time
but the point is that I shifted my business to self-fluency
because that to me was the quiet essence of yoga
without all the shit
the wisdom without the distractions and distortions
eleven years
for eleven years I have been running a business (this one) that
secretly teaches what I think of as yoga
the turning inward and getting curious and listening
trusting our own wise knowing
but what I have learned is that this problem
with yoga exists not just in yoga but in everything
we bring our shit to everything and turn everything into shit
including to self-fluency which is the thing that
shows us how to turn inward and trust our wise knowing
how to meet ourselves with love even while we are
(turning things into shit)
and not be impressed about how there we go doing it again
because this moment is useful
and Nothing Is Wrong
the self has disappeared
I have watched the same thing happen in this field as in yoga
I have watched the special world
of [turning inward and learning about ourselves]
become distorted through the culture of experts
which is maybe another way of saying that we have
brought our shit to [self-help, self-work, self-discovery]
and turned it into shit
we have taken the self out of it
we have made it not about our own process
but about the people who write and teach their way of how to process
and we have done this by putting people on pedestals
or agreeing to stand on pedestals ourselves
the culture of expertise is toxic
the culture of experts encourages people to
surrender their agency
(which so many of us are so quick to do anyway
because the game is rigged and that’s the programming)
and all the magic of self-exploration gets lost, and we end up
with a cult of expertise
admiring the experts and wanting to be like them
instead of wanting to be like ourselves
and bring in more of ourselves (and our selves)
the culture of experts is problematic and sometimes downright creepy, and I
refuse to take part in it
so I stopped teaching in all forms
I stopped offering “coaching” which is a word I never liked
though I still do sessions here and there with a few people
but one of the prerequisites is that they have already arrived at the
delicious point where they don’t care what I think
they know my opinion doesn’t matter
that I am not wiser than they are and I do not hold their answers
we are equals and we play as equals
which is marvelous but there aren’t a lot of people who can do this
because the toxic culture of expertise
is so fucking pervasive
then I stopped answering questions
and for a while I just answered all questions with Flalaleelalooola
which is a word I invented which means any or all of the following
(1) that is not actually a question for me at all because it’s for you
(2) I don’t know, sweetie
(3) your question contains its own answer and/or you will
get more benefit from processing it on your own than you will from
any response I could give you
(4) I love you and have complete trust in your wisdom and
your ability to find your answer
then I stopped altogether
I even stopped speaking
which makes it even more futile to ask me questions
because I just smile and fill up on love-more-trust-more
and eventually big magic started happening
in the form of everyone suddenly realizing
that they didn’t need me or my answers or even my non-answers!
they were able to trust their ability to listen for their own answers
it was beautiful
it is beautiful
so here we are
what I do now is cultivate the most supportive culture possible for people to
do their own inspiring internal exploring
I don’t want to encourage anyone to try and be like me,
but for us to all feel safe and supported figuring out our own magic
and how it works
is arbitrary and self-proclaimed and kind of boring
there are only two challenges
except we know from this weekly practice of wishes
that challenges are just questions
and that asking questions with love
(skipping them like stones)
invariably reveals wild treasure
one question is about legacy and form
right now I am calling this question “what about the museum!”
which is another exploration for another time (soon)
and the other question is about
how we develop a culture in which we are all experts in ourselves
or really, in the beautiful ongoing life process of
becoming experts in ourselves
our internal kingdoms, who-and-how we are in the world
so that we can remember that we don’t need the external experts
we can turn inward and play
we can turn outward and play
because we trust what we know
and we know how to get back to what we know
stones
stone skipping is the practice of
turning inward and asking ourselves questions
and accessing our deep quiet knowing
the things we didn’t know that we know
stones change everything because they subvert the paradigm that has
turned self-discovery into shit
when we skip questions like stones into our
internal rivers of knowing
we are forced to let go of this idea that there are other people
who are the real experts
we have to stop thinking they might have our answers
because it is so clear that our own clarity is everything
we stop surrendering our crowns
and we go inside where all the good stuff is
we re-remember how to listen to what we know
what is a course that is not a course
I made a course that is not a course
(because I don’t believe in teaching, only in playing, as equals)
more like a course in the sense of winding your way down a path
it is a path of stones
to practice stone skipping
where I will not be the expert
because what is that
but we will skip stones together, turning inward to
discover unimaginably beautiful things
in awe, big wild awe, at the wise knowing that we
uncover in ourselves
without anyone’s help
we begin next wednesday august 3
aka the beginning of the month of muse
and play through september 7
taking us from muse into intention
what do I want?
I am hoping that this course that is not a course will
— in addition to being big wild magic
and glowing treasure and wisdom into the world —
support several of my deepest wishes through
bringing more people into this state of sovereign play
where they can actually
feel how much they know
and reveal how little they need me (or anyone)
so that we are all beacons
for ourselves and each other
all of us seeds of light
what do I know about my wishes?
wishes are seeds of light too
and so wishes about seeds of light
are the best possible wishes
will you come walk this course with us?
you can join to learn marvelous things through turning inward and listening
you can also do it to fuck with the patriarchy and undo rigging
and of course participating in this course is a lovely way to
express appreciation for what is here
so that the valuable powerful transformative work of self-fluency
has a real home, both here and in our lives
and if all that weren’t enough there is also the course itself
six weeks of a path of stones in a secret online space
plus ebooklet plus deck of cards!
—> here is the sign up link, my loves!
now
in the spirit of “clues everywhere”, which is also
one of the themes of the not-a-course,
this morning I wrote in my notebook
[treasure reveals treasure / stars and bridges]
and I just looked up from my seat in the cafe
right across from me is a guy with NASA stickers and stars
all over his laptop
and at the table to his left is Josh
wearing a shirt with a bridge on it
so yet again I am reminded
that there is really nothing to solve here
just to savor this moment and delight in
how sweet and funny things are, if I can stop
making it all so complicated
the superpower of hearing the melody
July is the month of HARMONY, with the superpower of hearing the melody
and as I keep remembering, this is really the answer to everything, maybe even all I need
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called prowess …
and this wish is/was treasure, it is bringing me not only more balance and grace (internal and external) but much more calm when I am out of balance and grace, and it is also helping me figure out how I can be a beacon and an activist while also maintaining the quiet I need to function…..
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
Follow
some words that i love in your post here havi are:
‘big wild magic’
‘fuck with the patriarchy’
i love you.
i’m in.
xoxo
<3 <3 <3
YAY!!!
*incoherent squawking noises*
*points emphatically at basically this entire post*
*wanders off, squawking*
(squawkitty-squawking with you)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for your courage, your honesty, your presence.
I’m very excited about the stone skipping course, and my wish this week is to remember to give myself plenty of time and space for mindful entry. <3
mmmmmm yes and thank you and ahhhh spaciousness and may it be so <3
Yes, yes, and more yes. And add an amen to the yeses!!!
Looking forward to the not-a-course with so much delight.
<3 <3 <3
Every. Single. Word. is YES!!
I’ve been writing and ruminating on all of this and I love you with a well nourished and flooded over for you heart of love. Thank you for being the beacon, even if you didn’t know you were. Because I need you to just keep being you. Gratitude. <3
Part of the time with the not-a-course I will be getting ready for beach week.
Part of the time I will be at the beach.
Part of the time I will be recovering from not still being at the beach.
Part of the time I will be celebrating the coming change of seasons, looking forward to cooler weather.
Part of the time in the Year of Doors the not-a-course will be in the month of Muse, with the superpower of Deep Listening, the Moon of Earth and Revelation and Ripening and Early Harvest.
Part of the time will be in the month of Intention, with the superpower of I Am So Very Clear, the Moon of Moving Towards Stillness and Discerning the Inner Sea.
So the not-a-course is already Perfect.
Thank you, past Havi, for plotting it out.
Thank you, future Havi, for beckoning.
I am already walking in the sands with my kite.
<3
I can’t even.
Thank you for being ahead of, oh, 99.9% of the world.
Thank you for being ahead of, also, 99.9% of this “selfhelpyogablahblahwhatever” world.
Thank you for journeying the way you journey.
I am regularly stunned wordless by your love-courage-truth.
Thank you thank you thank you. I am in.
I am in so hard.
Let’s subvert all the things.
So looking forward to the skipping cards not-a-course, and especially looking forward to not-learning. Very excited!!!
Yeah! Here’s to the not-learning! <3 <3
wheeeeee yes me too I plan to NOT LEARN A FUCKING THING
NEW LIFE MOTTO!!!
Oh my yes. I am very fortunate to have a full time “job” of teaching (history). But the longer I do it, the more I’m like, “what is teaching anyway? And what is it, really, that I should be teaching? And what on earth makes someone an expert on something? Who is teacher and who is taught? Like what is the POINT of these interactions I have with young adults every day??? (but also I love my job and concomitant salary and benefits)” Wow hurray this also applies to yoga and to LIFE!
Excited for the course!
!!!!!!!!!
A thousand time yes to all of this. Hurry, 3 August.
{“Shit” in yoga really resonated bc 6 yrs ago Spouse & I took it up from someone he knew, so we could do a fun thing together and I could become more flexible. I was just beginning to listen to my body & set limits. “Teacher” trampled my limits, aggravating an old injury that will now never heal. Aarggh.}
I’ve been (subconsciously) trying to “catch up” to the knowledge of poetry that I presume everyone with an MFA or BA or PhD in Writing has, since I will never have those things.
But why? I don’t want to write poetry *like* anyone but myself. I don’t want to *read* poetry by people whose poetry I don’t enjoy.
Spouse wrote a poem for my birthday yesterday, about me – I simultaneously recognized myself, was surprised, and was delighted. Best present ever.
<3!
<3
Looking so much forward to playing.
I’ve signed up for the thing. Just the kind of thing my life needs, wants.
looking forward to adventures along the path of stones!
<3
So much to love here!
I cant wait for the not-a-course to kick off.
ENTER
I have doine and experiemnt and i am going to t tryin typing withouth hitting the back space h key i think it wilNO
I NO
i am going to do this because it is helping me get an ryhythm of not secon dguessing my every thought and i lik the fieelingi of it and i am trying ting that anyone who is reading will understand or fi they dont I dont’ actually give a fuck
also it’s easier whith my eyes suhut
that is itneresting
so this is a hello and i am looking fowrrward to being with you all and skipping stones even though it si also very scare y becaus i don’t actulaly know any ov of yo u(I think) and because thie inernet is afucking insane pit of hell most fo the time/space
LIK E ALL OF IT
but sicne i ..
NO
i do not need to give a reason and i do not need to make sexcusies for joinging or not joining I am doning this becuase I FEEL LIEK AIT SO WHAT THE FUCK EVERY…
…
YAY
hahahahaha sexcusies
— worth it —
so in an actually trying to communicate way, hi and i am looking forward to the thing. and teaching and “expertise” i think a lot about i just started a new job where i am an “Expert” and it’s odd, but i do believe expertise is useful/good in some circumstances
such as “hey i do not know enough about chemistry/biology to understand this thing that I need to understand to do my thing, could you help please”
i believe there is a seed of something good there
but FUCKING HELL the ways it is twisted
words escape me for the gargantuousitude of … (trust you understand if you need to)
and i entirely, hugely agree that expertise in one self is a personal matter
and i know exactly how it feels to reject that and squrim and squeal and beg and plead another person for help, and how it feels to do this other, but the other is so big, but maybe its the self that is big, hmmm
hmmmmmmm
and i am seriously excited as fuck about thinking in general
rock on, everyone
Yes, THIS:
“Hey, I do not know enough about X to understand this thing that I need to do MY thing, could you help please?”
This.
This is what being taught should be about; saying “I know just enough to know that I know not enough, could you show me where I need to turn to learn enough to do my thing?”
Not “Oh great guru filled with light, so much further along the path than I will ever be, would you make me be JUST LIKE YOU?”
Not “Oh, I am the source of all that is wonderful; grovel at my feet for I know what is best for you. In return I may drop pearls of wisdom for you to gather and hoard — but don’t think you will EVER reach the point of pearl generation for yourself, no , never. Be content with the lowly worm-self you were given.”
Blargh. Shit begets shit, world without end, amen.
SEXCUSES! that is my new favorite word
I found a book recently whose title appealed to me. It’s called Teaching with Your Mouth Shut.. It was written by a professor of Education at Evergreen called Donald Finkel and sometimes it is a little too pedagogical for me. But mostly it totally explains what I do as a teacher who is not an expert. (I was suggesting a topic to teach with another person recently and she said Oh I can’t teach a course in X until I know hot to do X and be successful at it and I said, no that’s exactly when it’s too late to teach X). Anyway, this book reminds me of you, Havi.
And I’m totally in for not-a-course.
Haha yes that is when it’s too late to teach X 🙂
And lots of love
to clarify, by “chemistry/biology” i mean any matter in which there actually is an objective and useful truth to be communicated
*steps off soapbox to go reconsider everything she just said*
<3
eeee, it always makes me SO happy when someone else gets what is wonderful about yoga (of course you get that, Havi), and I have been struggling to find words for why I love it so much and why I quit teaching it. Why teaching it felt so fake and I couldn’t figure out a way to make teaching this wonderful thing feel authentic, at all. this is why. Yes.
AARGH, YES
So, *everything* = !!!
And especially, for me, right now
‘let it come in as a ray of light, not a lightning bolt’
*swooooon*
<3
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also– I am doing a mini-Rally the next few days. I call it Selva Oscura and so far, so much trasure.
My Compass is DARK WOOD
Dancing
Awareness
Revel(ation)
Kind
Wonder
Only
Opportunity
Devotion.
I applied this sacred spirals today and got:
Dancing Wonder! wonder Dancing!
Kind Devotion!
Revel Opportunity! so much fun!
Having never been to Rally, I am blown away at how much these DIY Rallies are! SO GRATEFUL for the Book of Keys, MOnster Coloring Book, and my eternal favorite, Art of Embarking!