bubbling

all week long I have been bubbling a wish
a continuation of last week’s beautiful wish
and I can’t write about it
it’s too fresh and I am too passionate
I mean, I am just the right amount of passionate
but it isn’t yet ready to come into words
there is a passage required, a crossing through,
from wish-into-words
and so all I can do is trust more
and receive the gift of knowing that my wish wants more time
to self-express

echoing

and so how very appropriate that my wish this week
is about passages,
not just the passage from desire into words
from heart-knowing into spoken and acknowledged
but also from the Day of Leap into the new year
yes, I begin my year when february opens into march
extra-sweet when there is a hidden day as I cross through

I began my year by skipping stones
asking questions and letting them echo through the water
for this year of echoing and reverberating

maps and passages

this past weekend I entered my first dance competition
something that has scared me for years
I did it through imagining I was on a secret mission to Monaco
to retrieve some lost jewels
and while in Monaco, I would try my hand at gambling in the casino
even though I’ve been so convinced that gambling is something
I wouldn’t enjoy and would never be good at

this story became my map

when I got caught up in the results
I could remind myself that no, I’m just gambling to have fun
and for the experience of becoming someone who isn’t
intimidated by walking into a glamorous casino in Monaco
and all of this is secondary to the actual mission
and don’t I look amazing in my emerald green gown
I belong here with my gambling chips and champagne
this is not outside of my skill sets and experience

when I felt heart pangs of indignant outrage
when the winner at the blackjack table
was the pretty young thing with none of my hard-earned skills
I could remember that of course the house always wins
and anyway I was not there to win or to lose but to play
and to give a convincing impression of someone who is at home
at a casino in Monaco
which I did
so I win

jewels

plus I got all the jewels I came for and then some:

Presence, Play, Experience, Courage, Calm, Excitement, Practice

not to mention my ability to slide
into the arms of a total stranger on the dark
dance floor at 4am and share the most
connected, creative, playful, wildly magical dance that
smolders and burns because two dancers and a dance well shared
is absolutely transcendent
and this is something the winner of the blackjack round
doesn’t have the skills to experience yet

and one day I will also reveal the jewels of Graciousness and Laughter
I will know what it is like to be gracious and laugh about this
until then I have my beautiful story to be my map
and guide me back onto the right trail

peak moment

the other day I was at peak resentment
not about monaco, about something else
I said to myself, okay we’ve hit peak resentment
and somehow in that moment, the phrase struck me as the funniest possible
way to describe an emotion
if I’m at Peak Resentment, that’s a mountain top, clearly,
and so it stands to reason that I have the best view and therefore can
see where I want to go

where do I want to go from this peak, I asked
mapping out the landscape
pen on paper
until it became clear that the place I most wanted to be was
Appreciation Parks
the route was clear
I only had to walk it
so I did

passage

I went outside and walked it out
going from where I was (Clarity)
to where I wanted to be (Appreciation)
and that was exactly where I ended up,
even appreciative of the resentment,
because that was what brought me to the view

it’s the moment of knowing what isn’t working
and giving myself room to not like it
that lets me wonder what would be better
and head in that direction

here, now

I am moving out of my home
where I have lived for the past seven years
this is right, and also,
this is painful and difficult
this is beyond painful and difficult
as I don’t yet know where to
and this period of not-quite and in-between and
living out of a bag
is reminding me hard of the very worst part of my life
which I don’t like to talk about
because it was really, really bad

and even though Now Is Not Then
(and may we all have the superpower of remembering this)
now is reminding me of then in so many ways,
challenging me to stay present and trusting

what is true

here are two things people say that are so very true and yet not exactly true
(1) the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek
said, if not in those exact words, by joseph campbell
and (2) beyond fear is freedom
said by I don’t know, probably internet life coaches or something

as you know I am a big believer in asking
what is true and what is also true
it is very true that freedom is exactly what waits on the other side of fear
and it is very true that meeting a fear shows you the jewels it contains

what is also true?

this:

you are not required to take the direct route

you can go around fear
for example this is what I did when I used the game of Monaco
to dissolve both my fear of competition and my fear of being afraid

color schemes

sure, maybe the cave needs to be entered
but not necessarily alone and also sometimes it just needs to be remodeled first
and since we are the interior decorators of our interior spaces
we can make the cave a safe beautiful place to visit before we get there
by getting curious
asking questions
choosing Safety First
bringing along allies
and coming up with a color palette

there are so many ways around fear instead of through
worth repeating:
THERE IS NO RULE THAT WE HAVE TO TAKE THE DIRECT ROUTE!
and the best way to sneak past fear and dissolve it without being in it
is play

so how am I going to do this with my biggest fear in my own life
that I might relive the [truly awful things from then]
because I have no home again
what do I need from/for this cave to create safety before I enter
to transform it before I enter
let’s start with light
and with lightness and light-heartedness

leverage

I love the television show Leverage
it is a bit cartoon-like and maybe not exactly the most polished acting
and I love it
there is always a mission, that involves some kind of long con and cover stories
and taking on roles and undergoing wild risks
and it’s not actually scary because you know
that none of the good guys will ever actually get hurt
my favorite part is that they say
“oh, we operate under an entirely different income stream”
which is actually another part of the wish I am not wishing yet

what if I am not someone in the process of facing their biggest fear
in the form of reliving something very similar to the worst thing
that every happened to them

what if I am a character on Leverage
what if I’m the new member of the team
and this next however-long period of transition and in-between
is my role for the mission
I’m not in it, I’m acting it
I’m not even acting it, I’m acting the part of someone acting the part

see?

around fear is freedom too
to hell with going through if you don’t have to

getting in character

what is my character like?
on leverage, each character has a skill and a weakness
parker is an accomplished thief who can
steal anything but she loses her mind
any time children are involved because she can’t not identify with them
while sophie devereaux is a terrible actress who is an amazing actress when
she’s playing a role in a con

so who am I?
obviously my skills are writing and dancing
and my weakness is that home is very important to me
after what happened to me

let’s say that my mission involves acting like someone who doesn’t have a home
but of course I will still have safe houses
and once the mission is over in a couple months, I will have a marvelous very tiny
sweet safe home that is all mine and just for me

what will help me get into character
without compromising the mission

I need a new map

maybe this map tells me more about the character I’m playing
maybe this map tells me more about my safe houses
maybe this map shows me the set-up of the cave
so I can start decorating it now

it’s my map and it lives inside of me
so I can learn everything there is to know about it
through asking questions and skipping stones
getting quiet, getting curious, being receptive to truth

what is special about this map

ah of course
this is the month of Lusciousness
and my experience of [homelessness] was basically the opposite of that
I was cold, hungry, tired
very, very thin and very, very scared
but now-me still has the ability to infuse this mission with all things luscious
I work for the Leverage team, and we have resources
even better, there’s a team that has my back
so I don’t have to get by on my skills alone

let’s make this mission luscious
let’s make sure there is good food
and plentiful rest
good music, late-night dancing, things that deliver joy
flowers, of course

let’s commit to pleasure

let’s commit to wild adventuring
in a way that feels good at all times
and if it doesn’t feel good, add more pleasure
sweeten with honey
walk the map
touch the jewels
breathe deeper
add more light
glow

what do I know about my wish this week

it is time for this mission
even though it scares me
because it scares me
and actaully making scary things less scary is my job
so I can do this

now

listening to a song I like, and half-choreographing in my head
dancer-me and writer-me playing at the same time

superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing

february on the 2016 fluent self calendar was the door of SANCTUARY, and march is the door of LUSCIOUSNESS, which comes with the glowingly important superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing

thank you, past me
for naming this month
and reminding me of this superpower
which is exactly what I need most right now

ANNOUNCEMENT!

this is the last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards
— PASSWORD: sweetdoors —
because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them
or the shipping materials
so get them this week, they’re amazing!
and while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course
where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry,
to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom
and whatever else we might need
dates coming soon!

if you want bulk packs of cards, we can do that too…

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish called true currency…

this wish launched a plan I never would have thought of otherwise
and helped remind me of what is most important

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

or if you have APPRECIATION for this space, I would love that

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

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