Derailed.

This morning all my plans for a day of Making Big Progress On The Project were waylaid by what is ultimately, I hope, a minor crisis or maybe even not a crisis at all, but which felt/feels more like an enormous insurmountable disaster, and I cried, in public, again, and it was awful.

Except there was this moment, the briefest clearing of static, and in this moment I was able to hear this narration in my head as it was happening — Everything Is Awful! What About Your Plans! Waylaid! Crisis! Crying In Public Again!

It was the word [again], that particular intonation, the blaming voice, and I was able to remember that [again] is almost always a monster-word, which means it is also a clue.

Words are clues. This means this story of Derailed is also a clue, something I can investigate, with love.

Narration.

Anyone can have the job of narrator of my life if I’m not paying attention, so I always want to channel the wisest, most compassionate version of me to voice my internal narratives.

Here’s to the superpower of hey guess what, I get to decide who to nominate for this job!

Remembering this option is where I interrupt the pattern of the Narration of Doom, and pattern-interruption is what self-fluency is all about.

Process.

I asked Slightly Wiser Me to walk through this with me, to be my companion, can we traverse this current experience of [crisis] together, can we take a step and then another step?

This is called process, and here is the shape my process has been taking today.

Caveats!

I share this with the usual reminder about People Vary, aka my steps don’t need to be yours.

Additionally, it is not at all important which steps we take or how many or in which order or even if we perceive them as steps. We play, we try things, it is all a practice, and like any practice, it is alive and dynamic and can change shape as needed.

Some things work well, other experiments will probably want to be adjusted next time. Everything counts.

This isn’t a map or a formula or a recipe, take it more as a snapshot, a postcard or a series of clues. This is how process looked for me, today, one possible example of interacting with life as it is happening.

We reach for what works in a moment, and, with any luck and a lot of practice, we are able notice what types of techniques we like, how they work for us, and what we might want to try next time.

Love.

So let’s breathe love for process, and let’s breathe, in general, because that is where I started.

The step before all other steps: remembering to breathe

Once I notice that I am in a loop of monster-ing, I interrupt it with breath.

Oh, right. I am in a body, my body is where I live, breath is what brings me home, no matter how choppy the waters of my thoughts, I can soften into breath and noticing.

Hello, life force. Hello, fluctuation. I am here.

Even though this train of monster-thoughts that I just noticed sounds very believable, it is a story, it is one possible story, not necessarily true. Breath will return me to steadiness, and from steadiness I will find something more true.

Let’s trust the breathing, trust and breathe. We’ve got this.

Step: acknowledgement & legitimacy!

This is the door that always returns me to self-fluency, acknowledgment & legitimacy.

Sometimes it is too hard to offer this to myself, so I have to channel wisest me or imagine what I would say to a friend going through something hard.

Wise Me: Oh wow, Unexpected Bad News is really very distressing, especially when it changes all your plans, one hundred percent understandable that you got thrown by this. Let’s breathe some compassion for all this distress. Crying in a supermarket seems not only like a normal human reaction to a genuinely upsetting situation, but probably the best possible option available. Good reaction, nervous system! Good job, tear ducts! You guys are doing your job of releasing.

Me: Are you sure?

Wise Me: Babe, you are doing amazing. Look at all the strenuous, challenging circumstances in your life. You are already dealing with agonizing heartbreak, which honestly would be reason enough to fall apart on the regular, even without being between homes, as a wanderer whose car broke down mid-road-trip, and dealing with the work-related mysteries and the physical-therapy mysteries plus the unanticipated expenses of both, not to mention the ongoing ptsd of this presidency. It is honestly a miracle that we’re not all crying in public all day every day. Any one of these things would be devastating on its own, any one of these things could set off the monster narratives, and you are dealing with all of this at once, and it is so much, do you even realize how much you are dealing with here.

Me: Thank you.

Wise Me: Experiencing distress in reaction to distressing circumstances is legitimate and understandable. These feelings are valid, even when the monsters say that our reaction is overblown (which is hilarious given that they’re the ones trying to convince us everything is awful, they need to chill). We are allowed to be having this intense reaction to life!

Step: Small external shifts. Or: what needs to change in my environment?

Ah, of course, ear plugs.

Noticing that I am in a very loud place, which is probably not helping. Acknowledgment and legitimacy for the challenges of being a highly sensitive person in a world of overwhelming sensory chaos.

Do I want to practice Change My Place, Change My Luck?

What else is needed?

Let’s apply [RGW] because Replenishing Glass of Water always helps.

How am I feeling in my body? What would help me feel better? Feet on the ground. Shoulders can relax, let’s keep ribs anchored down. More breathing.

Step: internal shifts.

There are endless ways to do this but I like to use sixteen breaths cycling around the points of my compass, a breath towards each direction-point, clockwise and counter-clockwise.

North: Fierce. Northeast: Fearless. East: Powerful. Southeast: Striking. South: Of the earth. Southwest: Wild. West: Glowing. Northwest: Alive.

I am fierce, I am fearless, I am powerful, I am striking, I am of the earth. I am wild, I am glowing and alive. I am alive and glowing, wild and of the earth, strikingly powerful, fearless and fierce.

Yes. This feels better.

Step: Noticing and naming the monsters, giving them keys to the Safe House.

I see you. Hello to You Are A Terrible Adult and You Have Fucked Up Everything Again and Nothing Ever Works.

I appreciate how you have my best interest at heart and how deeply you want to keep me safe, and at the same time, there is no way I can take steps to deal with this [crisis-with-a-lowercase-c] while also dealing with all this blame-and-shame.

Can we establish a safe house for y’all to playdate while I take some steps? Can you observe from afar, and maybe pass notes to a Negotiator?

Step: Perspective and sparklepoints.

Hey I might be crying in public but this time it was because of my broken car and not because of my broken heart, this is a huge improvement.
Hey I am taking steps.
Hey I am paying attention.
Hey I am remembering to breathe.
Hey I am amazing for doing this all on my own in these scary times.

A hundred billion sparklepoints to me for being in this difficult moment and taking steps, whatever they are, I am trying things and they all count.

Plus extra bonus sparklepoints for being able to do anything since that awful day last november when the election results were in [ptsd of 45] began, really how do we even concentrate on work or car trouble or anything, how do we ever manage to not cry in public, we are doing amazing, really we are, all of us, even when it doesn’t seem like it at all, let’s breathe perspective.

Even more perspective!

There will be treasure in this mystery, there always is, and I can skip a stone on that later if I want to, maybe that will be one of the steps in my process.

Step: Name the mission, what do we know about it?

Ugh I have to find out if my car insurance will cover [terrifying monster-number unexpected cost], and I want to find a better name for this mission because nothing about this sounds fun.

Right now this mission is an iguana, but it doesn’t have to be.

We also have some phobia stuff around this especially when it comes to contacting institutions, so how can we make this better? Let’s investigate!

Elements and superpowers of the mission:

Congruence, Peacefulness, A Return To Harmony, Turning Things Around, Elemental, Being The Loving Observer, Dropping In, Attentiveness, Treating My Objects With Love, Treasuring My Life, Ask For Help, Where Is My Partner In This aka how can I be the best possible partner to myself right now

Yes, this is good intel. Let’s call this Operation Harmonize.

Step: FRACTAL FLOWERS

I feel better when I remember that everything is connected, and I call this fractal flowers .

My monsters believe that spending my day dealing with insurance (and processing all this process) is an enormous waste of time, taking me away from my other important missions. But if I pause and breathe, I can remember that anything I do in service of this project is initiating secret underground progress on all the other projects.

Whatever intentions I set for this mission, the clues revealed and the insights that land, the treasure I uncover, everything I learn about myself, all of this supports my other projects and brings them closer to fruition, even if I didn’t take any active visible steps on them today.

Tending to one piece of my garden nourishes my entire environment. It all counts.

I invoke the fractal flowers to remember that Nothing Is Wasted, this unexpected detour is not taking me away from anything important, it is another door that can bring me closer to myself if I let it.

All my adventures are intertwined, all the mysteries are connected, today I am focused on this one, but whatever I do today is supportive of all the projects my monsters say I am neglecting. They are wrong. The superpowers of intention and fractal are more powerful than their judgment.

Step: CWUs!

CWU stands for Complete Willingness Unit, it’s something I borrowed from the amazing Barbara Sher, except I change the acronym all the time, today it is Code Word Universal!

The CWU is just the smallest, least stressful step that you can think of that you will actually take.

My CWUs for Operation Harmonize included 1) look up contact info for insurance, 2) find numbers I need to give them, 3) the briefest script of what I want to ask.

If my CWUs are still too scary (legitimate and understandable!), I can rename them or use the metaphor trick or make them even smaller.

An imaginary helper works too, Barrington absolutely loves to look up contact information for me.

Step: Alignment!

I have written about this technique quite a bit, it is a favorite and it always works and I have no idea why.

You come up with six or so things you imagine you have in common with the person you will be interacting with, even if you know nothing about them, just based on their job and what it is like to be a human in the world.

This practice helps me approach from the mindset of We Are Equals, instead of going into Must Rebel Against Perceived Authority mode aka my default state. Alignment helps me keep my crown on.

Like this:

1. this person and I both want easy solutions!
2. we both want a harmonious interaction
3. we both want to resolve this with the least amount of stress possible
4. we are both present and engaged, having this conversation is our job today
5. this person’s job is service, which is a quality of spirit, I can also attune to Service, the practice of being in-and-of service, what if this interaction can be transformative, a fractal flower in the field where good is seeded
6. we both want our work to have Meaning (haha, we are in the month of meaning, this keeps coming up)

Step: Invocation/wish-scripting.

Or, what will help me feel best while I do a scary thing? How do I envision this?

I keep my feet on the ground, I feel the ground, I remember to breathe, I remember to smile. I connect with a playful person whose approach puts me at ease and we are able to enjoy this unique human interaction. We are both aligned with the higher mission, our channels of communication are clear, I remember that I am safe. Nothing Is Wrong. I have all the help and support I need.

And now we check in and notice.

That was my afternoon today, a passage from crying in public to doing something regarding the not-good news, and now we check in and notice.

What worked?

Alignment is so good. The support person I contacted, Alyssa, was warm and kind, my dread was unwarranted. I remembered to breathe and smile.

Even better, I was able to notice when I was placing my feet not-on-the-ground and make postural adjustments, a thousand sparklepoints to me for maintaining body awareness inside of a stressful moment.

Yes, monsters are not happy that it took so many steps (“why can’t you just be someone who takes care of life shit as it happens without being paralyzed by fear and pain?”) but guess what, the steps took us to where we needed to be, and got things moving.

Most importantly, I did a thing that scared me and I did not cry while doing it, and that is a Big Deal, so let’s celebrate what is.

What do I want to try next time?

Hmmm. Noticing many more monsters about how long it took and monster-judgment that I have done everything wrong, and I still don’t have good news and won’t know until tomorrow, and won’t have a vehicle for five more days.

Mainly though I am working on noticing monster-narratives sooner, and calling in an Incoming Me who is really committed to harmony and congruence, and takes action on things that aren’t working.

Anything else?

I’d also like to do more exploring into this story about “derailed”, the idea that my day can be derailed or a project can be derailed, when what I actually believe is that everything that happens while working on a project is in fact part of that project, even if it seems to be a distraction, even if it is a wild rabbit hole.

So yes, the monster story says today took me away from my Real Project, but what if everything I experienced, learned, practiced and processed today is actually actively supporting both the work of my real project and my relationship to that project?

Can I remember that my actual Real Project is taking exquisite care of myself, learning more about who I am in the world and what I need to function and thrive, pursuing pleasure and freedom and the aliveness of life? In that sense, of course everything I played with today is in service of the Real Project.

Also, when is derailed a good thing? Maybe my day did get derailed, but also I derailed the monster-train of Everything Is Wrong, so maybe sometimes derailing is good/useful/treasure. When is it useful to derail? What do I know about this?

This is process.

Not linear, sometimes messy. Curious and compassionate. Intentional and also unpredictable. There is so much more I want to say about this, and will save those words for another day, for now just love.

Invitation (come play with me / how we play here)

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here

You are welcome share anything sparked for you while reading, maybe you have new ideas about steps and process, techniques and approach you want to play with for your own projects and secret ops.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to look anything like yours, and this is a good thing.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation.

Further Resources in the shop!

Go deeper into self-fluency with the monster manual, or get me to write even more by joining our secret op!