very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (or a vision of possibility & anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 376th week of wishing, come play!

clues everywhere

once upon a time I wished for clues everywhere
(may I see them and laugh)
and now this is just a power that I have;
something that feels so familiar as to be intrinsic
I don’t even remember what it was like to not have
clues right in front of me
or to miss them even though I was tripping over them,
now I am someone who just lets them land in my heart
as easily as I would cup my hands to receive a snowflake
and let it kiss my waiting palms
whispering thank you

thank you

smile at stars

back in 2014 when I wished to be someone who sees clues everywhere I asked:

may I see clearly, breathe deeply,
take exquisite care of myself, ask loving questions, choose peacefulness,
smile at stars

and now I am out in idaho on operation wild freedom under the stars
learning how to live by the moon
and be a star

smile at stars

this morning I forgot how to be in my star-like clarity and radiance
crying quietly in the car
thinking about something that hurts in my heart with intensity
thinking what if it hurts this much forever
I thought: I need to remember the stars
because then it will be okay

I will glow my way through this with love and compassion
with great tenderness for the tender places
and one day there will be ease
which will allow me to look back on this vulnerable time
and be at peace

then we arrived at the cafe and I went to the bathroom
on the wall in front of me:
a large print of The Starry Night

thank you

thank you, wishes / thank you, me-who-wishes

I wished to be someone who smiles at stars and look
here I am, smiling at stars
in a restroom in Twin Falls

I wished to be someone for whom
clues are readily available
and here I am, smiling at clues

whatever qualities and abilities I wish for today
will be mine one day
maybe they are mine already

friday

late friday night in the car on the way to a hotel
to hide out in a giant bed
and make space with sweetness and intention for
vulnerable honest open clarity
about a tangled heart-hurting situation

a combination of trepidation
what will I learn that I don’t want to know
and determination
the me of next week who has been through this weekend is
wiser and more grounded than I am, more trusting,
she has skills and superpowers that I don’t even know about,
and I am ready to meet her and become her

oasis

I thought: I need to be comforted
but there is something beyond comfort
what is it

glancing out the window of the car
passing a shop called Oasis
just as a song by the band Oasis comes on the radio
there it is
oasis is what I need

thank you

at the oasis

the hotel had a small hot pool
completely empty
and I immersed in it for a long hour the next morning
thinking many thoughts
alternating between raging vengeful fury lashing out in pain
splashing my anger across the tiled walls
the embodiment of turbulence
and also thankfulness for everything I have

for example

this quiet peaceful oasis all to myself
warm water is where I heal
and oh this unconditional brave love I have for myself
and healing is kind of my thing
gratitude for everything I have been through because now I
no longer fear exploring the dark places of my internal landscapes
thank you for this strong healthy body that I love and loves me back

I mean, wow, a healthy relationship with the space that houses me,
speaking of wishes I once never believed would come true
and all the many skills and superpowers I have
cultivated over the years
they are all here to help me cross through this
I trust my ability to do this, I trust my skills, I trust
the process of life
ready to love-more-trust-more

rainbow

suddenly a rainbow sliced across my field of vision
as light from outside met the water and
repeating shiva spiral patterns danced on the ceiling above me
I understood that this was a form of mikveh
a rainbow oasis
just for me

I remembered what Karla says about how anger is a messenger
whose message is about a boundary that needs to be restored

thank you

restoration

it was beautifully clear which boundary was asking me for restoration
and so my anger turned to peaceful understanding
because there is actually no one to be angry at in this situation
and restoring the boundary can be as simple as
stating my preferences with clarity and love
(maybe not easy, but simple)
trusting that it is safe for me to want what I want
regardless of how it is received

that’s the hard part, but that’s what this weekly practice of naming wishes has been training me to do

resolution

everything that needed to be resolved was resolved
there were star clues everywhere
including on the tiny spur of a cowboy boot
stamped on the back of my hand at the dance club

star clues say: glow, glow
star clues say: do not forget your power
star clues say: give this time and presence
star clues say: be in your state of light to shed light

clear the path to clear the path
approach everything with intention and clarity
and it will get lighter

what other forms of resolution do I want to wish while I’m wishing

these are all interrelated wishes
even though I don’t see how they are connected yet:

wishing ease for the forgotten nightmares
for the violent night terrors to disappear
(I thought they already had but it turns out they’re
still happening every night and I just don’t register them consciously)

wishing ease for vestibular hyperacusis
whether in the form of a magical solution to it
or in the form of taking better care of myself
to guard my superpowers and protect my body

wishing ease for the parts of me who are still clinging to pain
yes please to laughter and love and perfect simple solutions
yes please to new metaphors
a new way of seeing
clear-eyed appreciation for what is

wishing to maintain this state of gratitude
for clarity and presence
rainbows and stars
what it means to have crossed through this intense weekend
and now here I am so ready to
glow my star power

may it be so!

the superpower of I Am So Very Clear

months-September-VPA-2016

August was MUSE, with the superpower of Deep Listening, and now we are in the month of INTENTION and I Am So Very Clear

there is so much in this too that I had not anticipated: Clear Knowing, Discernment, Resonance, Transparency, all the many beautiful forms of clear

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called live by the moon
and this is exactly what I am doing

thank you, me who wished

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

The Fluent Self