the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 376th week of wishing, come play!
clues everywhere
once upon a time I wished for clues everywhere
(may I see them and laugh)
and now this is just a power that I have;
something that feels so familiar as to be intrinsic
I don’t even remember what it was like to not have
clues right in front of me
or to miss them even though I was tripping over them,
now I am someone who just lets them land in my heart
as easily as I would cup my hands to receive a snowflake
and let it kiss my waiting palms
whispering thank you
smile at stars
back in 2014 when I wished to be someone who sees clues everywhere I asked:
may I see clearly, breathe deeply,
take exquisite care of myself, ask loving questions, choose peacefulness,
smile at stars
and now I am out in idaho on operation wild freedom under the stars
learning how to live by the moon
and be a star
smile at stars
this morning I forgot how to be in my star-like clarity and radiance
crying quietly in the car
thinking about something that hurts in my heart with intensity
thinking what if it hurts this much forever
I thought: I need to remember the stars
because then it will be okay
I will glow my way through this with love and compassion
with great tenderness for the tender places
and one day there will be ease
which will allow me to look back on this vulnerable time
and be at peace
then we arrived at the cafe and I went to the bathroom
on the wall in front of me:
a large print of The Starry Night
thank you, wishes / thank you, me-who-wishes
I wished to be someone who smiles at stars and look
here I am, smiling at stars
in a restroom in Twin Falls
I wished to be someone for whom
clues are readily available
and here I am, smiling at clues
whatever qualities and abilities I wish for today
will be mine one day
maybe they are mine already
friday
late friday night in the car on the way to a hotel
to hide out in a giant bed
and make space with sweetness and intention for
vulnerable honest open clarity
about a tangled heart-hurting situation
a combination of trepidation
what will I learn that I don’t want to know
and determination
the me of next week who has been through this weekend is
wiser and more grounded than I am, more trusting,
she has skills and superpowers that I don’t even know about,
and I am ready to meet her and become her
oasis
I thought: I need to be comforted
but there is something beyond comfort
what is it
glancing out the window of the car
passing a shop called Oasis
just as a song by the band Oasis comes on the radio
there it is
oasis is what I need
at the oasis
the hotel had a small hot pool
completely empty
and I immersed in it for a long hour the next morning
thinking many thoughts
alternating between raging vengeful fury lashing out in pain
splashing my anger across the tiled walls
the embodiment of turbulence
and also thankfulness for everything I have
for example
this quiet peaceful oasis all to myself
warm water is where I heal
and oh this unconditional brave love I have for myself
and healing is kind of my thing
gratitude for everything I have been through because now I
no longer fear exploring the dark places of my internal landscapes
thank you for this strong healthy body that I love and loves me back
I mean, wow, a healthy relationship with the space that houses me,
speaking of wishes I once never believed would come true
and all the many skills and superpowers I have
cultivated over the years
they are all here to help me cross through this
I trust my ability to do this, I trust my skills, I trust
the process of life
ready to love-more-trust-more
rainbow
suddenly a rainbow sliced across my field of vision
as light from outside met the water and
repeating shiva spiral patterns danced on the ceiling above me
I understood that this was a form of mikveh
a rainbow oasis
just for me
I remembered what Karla says about how anger is a messenger
whose message is about a boundary that needs to be restored
restoration
it was beautifully clear which boundary was asking me for restoration
and so my anger turned to peaceful understanding
because there is actually no one to be angry at in this situation
and restoring the boundary can be as simple as
stating my preferences with clarity and love
(maybe not easy, but simple)
trusting that it is safe for me to want what I want
regardless of how it is received
resolution
everything that needed to be resolved was resolved
there were star clues everywhere
including on the tiny spur of a cowboy boot
stamped on the back of my hand at the dance club
star clues say: glow, glow
star clues say: do not forget your power
star clues say: give this time and presence
star clues say: be in your state of light to shed light
clear the path to clear the path
approach everything with intention and clarity
and it will get lighter
what other forms of resolution do I want to wish while I’m wishing
these are all interrelated wishes
even though I don’t see how they are connected yet:
wishing ease for the forgotten nightmares
for the violent night terrors to disappear
(I thought they already had but it turns out they’re
still happening every night and I just don’t register them consciously)
wishing ease for vestibular hyperacusis
whether in the form of a magical solution to it
or in the form of taking better care of myself
to guard my superpowers and protect my body
wishing ease for the parts of me who are still clinging to pain
yes please to laughter and love and perfect simple solutions
yes please to new metaphors
a new way of seeing
clear-eyed appreciation for what is
wishing to maintain this state of gratitude
for clarity and presence
rainbows and stars
what it means to have crossed through this intense weekend
and now here I am so ready to
glow my star power
the superpower of I Am So Very Clear
August was MUSE, with the superpower of Deep Listening, and now we are in the month of INTENTION and I Am So Very Clear
there is so much in this too that I had not anticipated: Clear Knowing, Discernment, Resonance, Transparency, all the many beautiful forms of clear
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called live by the moon
and this is exactly what I am doing
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
Smiling at stars, and a rainbow oasis. Oh *wow*, what beautiful wishes. <3
There is a saying/question I read somewhere:
Can you wait for the sand to settle
And your water to clear?
Or something like that. I feel I am waiting for that, except behind my back a secret hand (my hand!) is stubbornly swirling a finger around to stir up more sand. She is afraid of something in the clarity. My wish this week is to hold her hand, very gently, reassure her that we can handle this, and let the sand settle.
That sand image is really powerful for me. Yes, me too. Letting sand settle.
Hmmm, interesting image, thank you!!!
Oasis! Wow! In recent weeks I have been considering the possibility of moving into the desert (which is both a proxy and not a proxy at all) and I had forgotten all about oases! Thank you so much for the reminder-spark.
This week, I wish to remember that my force field can be an oasis. <3
force field oasis!
I remembered the song Midnight at the Oaisis and felt — magical! Rainbows, oases, magic, hope!
MrB is in the hospital again and I wish him restored. Monday is his birthday; I wish for us an oasis.
<3
A rainbow oasis mikveh <3 <3 <3 what a stunning image, thank you. May it be a blessed beginning for a blessed next.
I am becoming aware, now that I am not applying the 'medicine' of depression to my state as a 'why-even-bother' solution to the problem of mismatched standards/desires and capacities, of just how much anxiety lives in that gap.
So, I am wishing for some combination of:
* increased capacities
* more gentle standards
* healthy, heart-led desires not fear-induced monster desires (and the ability to tell the difference)
* perfect, simple solutions to filling the gap
* trust, calm, ease and gentleness for all the parts of me that feel stressed and worried and anxious about a shortfall between standards, desires and capacities.
May it be so.
xoxoxo
<3 <3 <3 may it be so x1000
Spouse back to his usual more-good-natured self Sunday. So I went out to buy the eggs he forgot Saturday night, and we made some for dinner.
Spouse liked NM so much, he… wants to return next year(!). He suggested maybe we combine that with solo time for me at Ghost Ranch. Just… astonished.
Removing problematic people & their events from my poem cleared space. Only then did I get a better sense of what the poem is trying to be about.
Now I have Midnight at the Oasis as an earworm, and I don’t mind at all. 🙂
New Mexico! Eggs! Clearing space!
Stars.
Rainbows.
Oasis.
I am going to name donuts after all of these.
And I will eat these imaginary donuts to help myself combat a spiraling trip into the depths of nostalgia and then I will drink real actual coffee to help burn my way forward into taking action for a change instead of just living in my big dumb head.
And I will send Havi a postcard depicting a kayak, because when I google “rainbow oasis” I am immediately shown a kayak and I’m thinking, with all the water imagery, Havi could find use for a kayak right now.
<3 I could definitely use a kayak
Donuts and kayaks!!
Kayak.
Mmmmmmmmm what beautiful wishes.
Last week I wished about learning to live by love and since then I have been all hidey and distracty, and OK, part of that’s been having people in my space and starting on a new job, and part of it is that it’s just plain scary. Feels too big to get it all at once. And yet! I do not want to cut my wish down to fit into the space it feels like I have a the moment, so I am going to wish:
– to learn to live by love
– to see the next move (ah, we’re back to ‘one step enough for me’, here we are again, thank you spirals of time)
Misread your “spirals of time” as “spirals of me”, and that’s resonating for me right now.
hooray!!!!
Such forward-thinking, clear wishes *wide-eyed amazement*
Might that I emulate such clarity and self-wisdom, not Havi-like (because clearly I’m not Havi) but Magic-like (because… well, clearly I’m Magic *smiles*).
I am a Sensi-Extrovert (in contrast, many Sensitives are introverted). This is complex and confusing, though far less confusing now that I understand this–though it took observation of one Beloved Sweetest Little Thing Ever and seeing it in her, to understand it in myself. The sensitive part of me needs time alone, time to process, gentleness on the senses (bright lights, loud noises–even so-called *normal* noises, visual clutter, and especially more, shall I say, Obtuse people can leave me in utter turmoil internally and very off-balance). Yet conversely (why of course), the extrovert in me needs to connect with others and is stimulated by meeting new people. So tis this crazy juxtaposition of oftentimes conflicting needs.
Yet this week, I met three new people. All “Other” (one tribal indicator), all “geeky” (another) and intelligent, and yet two were Sensitives, and one was not. And I made two new friends and one we smiled at each other and parted (though I know he doesn’t understand). And this experience taught me a lot (and omgosh, sometimes I think I am So. Slow!).
I am also learning (more of the Slow!) something about Slots–new people don’t have to meet your Everything criteria to stay in your circle, as this is how I isolate myself. I need to think of concentric circles (Everything people can get to the innermost circle), and Slots, as in “this person is fabulous to catch up with and talk about x and y, but z is off limits” so just remember this. Or “this person is fabulous to work out with, and to talk about z, but x and y don’t work”.
So this week I wish the following:
~ may I represent my Elf clearly (as in, not over-represent the Sensitive, nor the Extroversion, but the accurate balance of these that I be) so that I attract That Which is Right For Me
~ Mutuality (life is easier on all of us when tis mutual *smiles*)
~ may I have Clarity about my available Slots (ha, there’s something you don’t run around saying in public!) and may I match Mutual Connections with said Slots
Wow, convoluted, complex wishes *smiles* Thankyou for listening, facilitating such a space (Slot?) for this process, and for sharing your own pieces *smiles* Blessed be!
Gaa, stupid extroverted expressiveness! Next I shalt write elsewhere, then select several lines (no more than five?!) to put here. My apologies for the overload…
Haha there is no word limit here, you’re literally on the site of someone who writes 2500 word posts because she can’t figure out how to say less! I think we have parallel sets of monsters. 🙂
Ha, thankyou for this and it made me laugh! Except of course it’s YOUR site so of course you’re *allowed* to write lots (hurray!) but my monsters are like, “Dude, you can’t hijack someone’s site by writing damn epics!”
Haha the more damn epics, the merrier! If anything it convinces my monsters that other people are wordy too, and that I’m not The Only One On The Internet who can’t just write concise little snippet articles with accompanying pictures!
I’m a Sensitive who is also an Extrovert (who is also autistic), but until I read your comment, I hadn’t realized they might be contravening each other.
Despite my innate friendliness and interest in people & the world, I don’t make (human) friends easily at all.
I like your idea of Slots. I have 1 cousin I’m trying to stay in contact with, and she is definitely not safe to talk to about a great many things, but the Slot metaphor may help me navigate that more effectively in the future.
Cheers!
Thankyou for this. I feel like I’m learning a lot about this Shrink/Expand dynamic I have, that probably occurs naturally, but is magnified by the Sensi-Extrovert scene *smiles*
I’m only in early days of playing with Slots, and I can see myself falling over my own expectations, but omgoodness, even at this early stage, it means I’m experiencing more connection and less isolation! And interestingly, I just had a cousin come down from interstate and she is not remotely sensitive, and we are a million miles away from each other in values, perspective and so many other ways (and she thinks I’m the weirdest thing out *grins*), but we love each other and we are Kin and whilst we’re clearly not Tribe, the Slots thing helps me keep her appropriately close yet keep distance in the many areas I need.
(Okay I know this is a Monster thing, but gosh, couldn’t I have responded in *short* ways?! *boggle*)
Hey Magic, I very much appreciate that you shared this comment, and it helped me think through many things within myself. Just writing to let you know that!
I’ve been disconnected from Wishing lately, not because I am not feeling my desires, but because most things course correct rather quickly.
But we’re in a dark moon, and my latest horoscope said to focus on “the places where I feel most brave, powerful and audacious.”
So, I would like to welcome incoming me(s), with some things I know about them:
Bianca Jaguar:
-knows she is beautiful, and cares for her coat
-knows that she can retreat into the shadows and be unseen and observant
-and knows when she can move into the light and be the most glowy thing around
-because she is always glowing her jaguar glow
-which requires panther time to keep healthy (joyful, conscious movement, physical practice)
-requires solitude and rest, and is unapologetic about either
-clues just land, gently, and she receives them all
Bianca is my connection to my wildest self, which is calling for more places to shine.
Operation Lotus Greenleaf:
-is my connsction to my Temple self, my Priestess self
-which can hold Bianca’s energy, but Bianca feels like movement, and Lotus feels like sustained holding and containment.
-all clues land gently
-Lotus knows she is the center of the Temple, and she does not resent being the ‘vibe cop’
-Lotus sees next steps, and is not daunted by adventure or stretching or being out of the comfort zone
-because she knows she can rely on herself
-and she is very able to recreate the loving juicy space she wants, whether its formal or informal/
-she does not need to be reminded she is loved and admired, but it helps
-she knows her Yes and No
-she is more willing to be still than Bianca, and is confident about putting things on the list because she is empowered to remove them.
Both of them assure me, they are on my side, and I feel very excited to meet/become them.
also, just re-read my horoscope. it says:
“find a new type of OASIS”
!!!!
!!!! especially the bravery of this: “unconditional brave love I have for myself”. And seeing and feeling and being immersed in beautiful clues and stars and rainbows (which are all sort of always and never there, because it all depends on one’s perspective!) Just last week, I explained rainbows to a two-year-old. Good times!
I wish to be steadily infused by the light of the star that I set out to find many light (!) years ago. Yes, I am clear, as in cleared for takeoff!
Yes yes yes always and never there, and perspective, exactly! Me too! Amen to your beautiful wishes and cleared for takeoff! Aw, and rainbows to a two year old. <3