Renewed
I had a flash of a desire during my morning tête-à-tête with Incoming Me, something about renewing a ritual.
Tête-à-tête is my secret name for the time I take to sit and commune with Incoming Me for twelve minutes, some people refer to this contemplative sitting as meditation, my word is both funnier and feels more true somehow, but I am the Namer Who Names & Renames, and playing with words is often the only way I get things done.
Anyway, a glimpse of a wish, related to something we used to do here every week for many, many years called The Friday Chicken where we checked in with ourselves and our week, naming what was hard and what was good, to practice presence (and other good things) in community.
So let’s see how this feels. It’s been a lot, this first week of 2021, let’s breathe and feel into the moment, a quick scan of where are we, these are disorienting times, let’s ground down and down-regulate the nervous system.
Weekend. We made it. High fives all around and admiration (a whole parade if we want one), and some breaths.
Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…
Obviously THING ZERO before all else, the ongoing unfolding terror of watching neo-nazis & pals storm the Capitol while their cop buddies invite them in. We knew this was coming, the writing was on the wall, and yet, somehow, still, it is something else to witness it. White supremacy at work is always grotesque, but this is a lot to take in even as I find myself surprised so many people are surprised when the game plan was known in advance. Anyway, hand on heart breaths for existing in this tumult, and separating from the anxiety soup of the collective.
Thing One is the dissonance, ongoing, the gap between realities, no consensus reality is exhausting and disorienting, a breath for the grief-rage and the perception that I can’t trust people around me to recognize an emergency. This is true for the pandemic and the political chaos, and I find Business As Usual stuff to be as irritating and challenging as The Many Bad Takes (and there are many, and they are bad!).
Thing Two is the missing, my hurting heart, I want an impossible want (a substantive apology from someone who hurt me, for starters), the only way to get my wish is to bathe myself in love until I can let it go.
Thing Three is the many unresolved items, tasks and mysteries, all in relation to the chaotic unknowns (when will a vaccine be on my radar, how can a transition of power work with no adults in the white house, etc).
Thing Four: moving is exhausting, and I am always doing it because of the no home thing (loading and unloading the car is my life right now), and this is especially not fun in a pandemic, this is part of the What Is of the moment. But hey, thanks to (jazz hands!) GENERATIONAL TRAUMA, at least I’m always half-packed…
Thing Five is big painful memories resurfacing, rediscovering old hurts that hurt somehow almost as much as in the moment even if the moment was seventeen years ago, and sometimes these realizations show up at 2am and then I am lost in a long Witching Hour of grief.
And Thing Six is realizing that if I want to be bathed in love and affection instead of waiting for crumbs, I have to do that for myself. I knew this, and writing it out makes it the most boring obvious epiphany of all time, but I was struck by the depth of the realization. This is all my job to hold myself in high regard and be that someone who loves me and treats me right, because no one else is going to do it.
Breaths of Acknowledgment & Legitimacy for the hard things being hard, recognition that they really are a lot.
Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet
- Thank you, pink light on the mountains
- I asked for supportive solutions and they showed up, thank you, miracles.
- Heroically dealt with a scary medical thing and it was okay, a trillion points to me.
- Pleased to report I spent a shocking amount of this week reclined on the floor with legs up the wall, and wow was that ever the right choice for me while everyone was (understandably) spinning out.
- I actually enjoyed my solitude this week instead of feeling desolate; a lovely change of pace.
- Chanced death by going to see my chiropractor and good news, I am recovering well from my little car accident, and we laughed about funny things. (Mostly about STRETCHING: How dare it always work?! Rude!)
- A new incoming self who showed up between solstice and new year’s is hilarious and fun. This is the me who excels at I Hold Myself In High Regard, while being That Bitch.
- And a long-time wish came true: to plate my food beautifully even though it is just for me; less resistance to making things luscious and enticing even if no one else appreciates or even knows about it.
- I had good dreams this week for the first time in a very long time. Feels important, like a sign that I am no longer clawing my way out of The Big Despair and have found my way to the forgotten path.
- And oh Georgia, what a miracle and blessing, relief and joy about Senators Warnock and Ossoff, gratitude for Stacey Abrams and everyone who worked so hard to make this happen.
Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…
I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.
We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!!
How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot.
And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.
Love ya,
Havi
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Chicken!
The hard:
– slump. The days are short and the nights are long and the mornings are dark, and all I seem to want to do is watch the skiing, and I’m not sure I even want to do that.
– mostly dealing with Brexit by ignoring it.
– terrifying news out of London. I have not been to London since August, but many of my colleagues live there. Worrying for my public-facing brothers, too. As above, hiding works fine for me, but I’m aware that it can’t work for everybody.
– [insert rant here about what a decade of underfunding public services does]
The good:
– in spite of all of the above, I’m more hopeful than I was last year. Not *about* anything in particular, but in myself. I’d got stuck waiting for the other shoe to drop, and at least I’m not stuck now (except when I am)
– I bought us (untimed, refundable) Interrail tickets. We may yet get up the Rhine.
– kardamombullar from our local bakery. I do like cardamom.
What’s working:
– beautiful pictures: new computer shows me gorgeous landscapes as a screensaver, and the thing about watching all of the skiing is that it lets me look at snowy mountains.
– finally got round to retrieving the daylight lamp and setting it up over my desk. Result: suddenly clicking into gear at 4.30pm on the last working day of the week.
Much love to everyone.
kardamombullar <3 <3 <3
Chicken! 🙂
The Hard. Ugh. (Waving hands vaguely at The World.) Also, the first migraine I’ve had in a couple of years. Ugh. Ow. Ouch.
The Good. Learning to actually feel and Acknowledge my anger?! At (the world stuff) and also at like stuff that happened over 20 years ago, and small dumb stuff that happened yesterday, etc. The anger is uncomfortable but Havi has written that that Congruencing Can Be Uncomfortable. And also when I allow myself to feel it that seems to free up a lot of energy and power; I guess I was using A LOT of energy repressing my anger.
Also I made an offering to Hecate because it’s 2021 and, like, heck it, I’m a witch now. (Hecate…heck it…LOLOL)
Ahhhh I love heck it Hecate I’m a witch now! And yeah The World. <3 <3 <3
Cheers, Chickeneers!
The hard:
– ::gestures broadly at the state of the world::
The good:
– an amazing reiki session with a practitioner I was trying for the first time
– in advance, made 4 different delicious plant-based soups this week so it was easy to do a yoga double header in the evenings (ginger carrot, cauli-potato, tortilla, winter chowder)
– reconnected with several people out of the blue; hooray for synchronicity
– found out I’m under strict orders from the universe to play more which is great since I quit my veep job at the end of last year and am taking a month off (at least?) to decompress
Ahhhh CHEERS CHICKENEERS! Missed that!! Also yum soup yum what a good plan.
Havi, I’m so happy for the return of the Friday Chicken.
The Hard: Yeah, Thing Zero, and also the world.
Thing One: the return of the cold. There are air leaks and every time I get one plugged, cold air finds another way in.
Thing Two: Grieving. Again. And grieving the letting go of grief.
Thing Three: Things take time.
The Good:
Thing One: Things take time. Contradictory, I know.
Thing Two: Grieving and letting go so I can move on.
Thing Three: Decisions made and first steps taken.
Thing Four: The comforting Presence in the House. Is it the Dear Departed, or the Spirit of the One To Come?
Love these lists and all the interconnections between them, as well as the contradictory hard/good/useful of Things taking time. A comforting presence sounds pretty good. <3
Oh! A Check-in, with the softest iridescent feathers! *This* just became my #1 Good Thing of the week!
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Hard:
-oh, Wednesday. Not surprised, and shocked isn’t even the right word, but horrified and terrified and shaken and stirred. And somehow I keep doing the day-to-day things, and not feeling day-to-day at all.
-on Monday I received some Very Scary mail, which will require action and courage and space and strength and entry and resources, and I don’t know when all these things will come into alignment, and meanwhile time is ticking.
Good things:
+Chicken!!!!!!!!!
+Thank you, Georgia!
+Now that we have switched cell phone providers, I actually *can* get some crumbs of internet at home, so long as the weather is right and I put my phone in the kitchen window and lean wayyyyy over the sink. That has to be a metaphor for something.
This week, my superpower was The Breath of Centering. Next week, I would like my superpower to be Deep Sleep and Deeper Dreaming.
*tosses a purple schmurphle!*
Sink metaphors abide! Breath of Centering! Deeper Dreaming! Schmurphle!
A Saturday Chicken, feels like the welcome return of an old friend.
The hard: so much hard (!)
Oh America, my heart breaks for you. So much grief online and so many friends taking that shame on themselves too. Please know we know it’s not your fault. We know you are trying to fix it.
Oh England, what a mess! Over 1000 deaths a day and counting, infections totally out of control. 1 in 30 people in London have it and my step family are there. Gulp.
My little island has had a huge increase in infections and no longer seems a safe haven.
I’m not even going to think about Brexit. I just wish I could go home and vote SNP.
A breath for all of that and 10,000 sparkle points for all of us for still being here.
The good:
My lovely man who realised that more cuddles and cosy fires were the only way to keep us going. He is just about coping as a musician with no live audience and an extrovert with no company but me.
A tiny feeling of hope, new vaccines, a glimmer of possible, actual company by the summer not just on a computer screen.
The winter beach 10 minutes walk away. Wild and deserted.
The winter visiting birds.
The orchard garden that nourishes and feeds us, even in winter.
Black swans on our estuary! We have a black swan event!
My super powers for the coming week: I would like Clear Sight and Monster Wrangling. I just rediscovered my printed copy of the Monster Book and will put it to good use this week.
Clear Sight & Monster Wrangling: yes yes may it be so or something even better, love it! Also black swans!!!
I love this chicken so much!!!
The hard: an agonizing decision led me to terrible nightmares and night sweats and difficult, raw conversations with my love. Going back and forth between hope and fear, faith and panic when faced with uncertainty about moving forward. Suffocated by knowing what I want to do, and begin afraid to do it.
The good: actually deciding to do the scary thing I want to do but am terrified to do. Jumping in. Remembering my old favorite Leap and the Net Will Appear. Finding faith, trust, and pixie dust. Shimmering. Noticing the return of better dreams.
Wanted to add how much I love and appreciate this haven. I seem to find what I need at any given time. <3
<3 Haven appreciation club plus powers of finding what is needed!
Chicken! I love it and you all and tiny ritual = YES.
The hard:
The world *gestures*, but mostly the way the world is making my loved ones feel, because yes, I hoped we would not be here, but I have read too much to not have seen things coming.
New glasses have been very hard. I needed them, but the new frames fit very differently, and ow. I’ve had a headache for days.
Class preparations have eaten my weekend, and I made choices earlier in the week that have lead to here, but I need a real few days off soon.
The Good:
Lots of boundary work is paying off, go Past Me who worked really hard to learn these skills.
Flexibility becomes me: Lots of shuffling schedules and projects and dates around and it all mostly working out. Remember, self, you can dance the dance of moving all the moving pieces.
In Progress but moving:
Noticing the pain points in habits and routines.
Loving the alone.
Planning to plan counts as movement.
Planning to plan counts as movement!!!! <3
OOh I have missed the Chicken so much! And now it’s Monday but All Timings Are Right Timings…
The Hard:
Dropping everything to help Parents In Crisis. Again.
Pretty much everything that happened as a result of *above*
How The F. did I FORGET my MoT??
and…The State of The World
The Good:
Lovely hire-car company person. And Lovely car.
Lovely people who wish to help my parents.
Lovely friends who supported me
Unexpectedly beautiful Elvis-jive moment with my dad
My amazing dog
Coming home, and Being Home and finding The Chicken and reading the timely reminder that it is My Job to be the one to hold myself in High Regard and bathe myself in LOVE. So I am not answering the phone tomorrow!
Love to you all and a planetful of sparklepoints for getting through another week. You rock! xx
Yay timely reminders! The phone can wait! Right timing forever!
Here 4it!!!
<3 <3 <3
_o_
Yeah!!! <3