A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the California wildfires, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling for everything getting peaceful as swiftly as possible.

Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

Right Sized

Appreciating the little things, but in a very literal sense

One of the things I didn’t anticipate about living in a tiny space (just under 200 sq ft) is how much I would come to love and appreciate smaller scale objects.

Not in the usual way that we tend to adore tiny things — they are cute, it is pleasurable to hold something small in the palm of your hand, there is something almost magnetic (to me at least) about an object formed in miniature, or really any smaller version of its usual self.

But specifically I mean that when you reside inside of a very compact space, there’s something compelling about the sense of utility and grace when you are fortunate enough to have the right tool for the job; an object that is just the right size for that small space.

Utility and grace

I have a petite potato masher that does everything I need a potato masher to do, including helping with the alchemy of apples, turning them into the best applesauce for applesauce cake.

Or mashing the no-longer-frozen bananas that have been macerating in brown sugar all day for chocolate cinnamon banana bread.

And when I see it hanging on its tiny hook, I think: that is the perfect size potato masher for a very cozy kitchen.

It does the job, and it is also compact in a way that makes sense within the space. There is something harmonious and reassuring about its right size.

Not fitting

“We don’t easily fit the world.” This is something C. Thi Nguyen, the philosophy professor whose every thought I am delighted with, said in a podcast episode, and it sent my mind in a hundred different directions at once.

This seems true, or at least, it feels true. We do not easily fit the world. I often have the sensation that the world and external culture generally were not designed for me.

Who made all these flashing lights and loud noises. Who came up with all these rules and expectations.

Or: Why is the time of year that we do new year resolutions and are expected to set goals and make progress on said goals, located in JANUARY, the time of year when all I want to do is hibernate in bed on a heating pad under a gigantic pile of blankets?

Some of these are the questions of a neurodivergent person who is tired of this nonsense, but also I think they are generally reasonable.

And while I’m asking, let’s whisper-ask this, or maybe shout it into the abyss…

Where is there room in this culture to question this basic setup of being expected to work forty hours a week when in reality it takes at least that many hours just to make food, clean house, get fresh air, get enough movement, tend to mental and emotional well-being, check in on people we care about, and maybe knock some things off the ongoing list of things that need taking care of?

Add to this the fact that quite often many of our “working” hours are not in fact particularly productive in a way that is either meaningful or fun?

And yet sitting at a desk for hours at a time refreshing email is somehow so much more highly valued than the time we spend in percolating mode, going for walks, talking to a tree friend or a person friend, or taking hours to make a soup…

Back to right-sized

The point that Thi was making though here is that inside of a game, you can accomplish things and enjoy that feeling of accomplishment, because it’s all designed to be right-sized in relationship to each other.

Everything in the game has been set up so that with a right-sized amount of effort, you can achieve the objective, or a step towards the objective. Everything is made to fit.

That idea and also the word-combination — RIGHT + SIZED — began to reverberate within me as I went about my day of trying to solve all the problems, resolve all the mysteries, troubleshoot the troubles, deal with the seemingly endless list…

The right word for the job

I started talking about RIGHT SIZED as a theme to various friends, and they all felt this same spark of excitement, the same sense that right-sized feels vital and crucial both as a clue and as a useful term that we can use.

A couple of them began dropping this phrase into morning or evening journaling: what could be a more right-sized approach to a task, to the ongoing list, the day to day doing?

A chance to play

I was immediately handed an opportunity to play and experiment with questions related to literal RIGHT SIZED, because…

My friend is visiting from the Pacific Northwest, and brought me the gift of a toaster/convection oven which was so kind and thoughtful, and also a beautiful and elegant It Solved Itself answer to an ongoing wish I have had.

Which is related to how my current tiny oven is absolutely right-sized for my space, but also it is truly a teeny tiny thing. Like imagine an EZ-bake style child’s toy oven, but then also know that every time someone visits me, they literally gasp at how small it is, and at the miracle that I am able to bake in it.

So I have been wishing wishes about being able to do things like roast a pan of vegetables, or bake multiple pieces of cake at a time instead of painstakingly baking one piece, and then the next.

And then it solved itself because I got this lovely gift of a larger oven, except the larger oven is not right sized for any of my shelves or cabinets in my tiny space…

Observing how I can default to contorting myself…

Instead of remembering to put this dilemma into the cauldron of It Solves Itself, I started frantically considering how I could make it work anyway.

Get a shelf built a for it but where? Move everything off the counter and let it take a chunk of precious counter space? Move things out from under my kitchen table and let it live there where I either bake on the floor or take it out and put it on the counter on Cooking Club days?

Put it outside in a tub and bring it in when needed?

All of these solutions felt effortful and not right-sized, but I was really trying hard to make one of them work anyway.

What else is known about Right Sized?

I am loving Right Sized as a superpower and as a clue, and as another iteration of It Solves Itself.

What if right-sizing is the solution, or, what if it is the approach that will allow the solution to reveal itself?

Kristi said: Ooo game clue: recognize a category of problem solving that is “right-sizing” and how much life/points does it provide, which objects/concepts are relevant, at what point in the turn does it get done…

If I am in a game, or if I can imagine that I am in a game, what is my objective, and what is my approach? And am I doing too much? Am I making something more effortful and contrived than it needs to be out of habit?

Do Less To Get More

In the context of goals or wishes or goal-wishes, what do I know about goals that are right sized?

This is related to what my dance teacher used to call DO LESS TO GET MORE, and also related to taking on fewer things generally, to the extent that this is even possible in a world that has a lot of demands and things that need to be done.

This is also related to my ongoing practice of remembering that I have ADHD, and 90% of the time, a given task will take 4-5 times longer than I estimate, but the other 10% of the time, something I think will take days might actually only take like ten minutes if I can just get myself to start.

And while I can’t necessarily know which is which in advance, I can be kind to myself and give myself grace.

Kindness, and giving myself grace

I can practice kindness and giving myself grace by noticing when I am being hard on myself or harsh with myself or expecting myself to be able to do things that are not easy for me.

I can also practice kindness and giving myself grace by being generous with how I go about allotting time for activities, but also by lovingly selecting constraints that will help me just start.

The ongoing troubles of Just Start

It is quite often almost impossibly hard for me to Just Start, but I am a big fan of any right-sized Complete Willingness Unit (a term I think I got from Barbara Sher but if I did not then please correct me).

That is to say, maybe I can’t JUST START writing, but maybe there are some right-sized CWUs.

For example, maybe I can make a cup of tea, vacuum the floor, light the candle, and open the document of themes on my mind. Maybe one will speak to me. Maybe I can journal on it for three minutes. Maybe.

Maybe I can’t JUST START getting ready for the laundromat, but maybe I can put on a trusted song and bravely gather up all the towels.

Maybe I can’t JUST START dealing with email, but maybe I can come up with a strategy for braving ten minutes in the inbox and just deleting/archiving anything is very clearly a delete-or-archive.

These are potentially more right-sized doors for me into doing some good vanquishing, which is another current theme…

What do I know about Right Sized?

What does the self or version of myself who knows more about Right Sized want me to know?

This self dwants me to start with the opposite question: What do I know about what is not Right-Sized.

Okay, I do actually know quite a bit about that. What is not right-sized is goals that are too big, or projects with too many steps, that’s a surefire way for me to get overwhelmed.

I need it to be crave-able, to feel [AND I CRAVE IT], because if I don’t crave it, I won’t care enough to stick with it, and am not sure exactly how this is part of Right Sized, but I feel certain that it is, that the appeal and the size are related.

It solved itself is also a form of right-sizing

One of my mysteries of Right Sized solved itself which is a win on both the category of RIGHT SIZED and in the category of IT SOLVED ITSELF.

I found a more narrow plug attachment that would allow the not-right-sized oven to fit; in other words something not right-sized can potentially become right-sized. A transformation, which was last week’s theme.

And then it solved itself again!

It turned out that my friend felt bad that the oven they brought was too big, and maybe also was feeling sentimental about all the good times they’ve had with that oven, so they started doing right-sized oven research and found a smaller toaster/convection oven that was super on sale and bought it on a whim.

So now I will get the smaller oven and my friend will take their favorite oven back with them, and it all worked out and we were both happy about this, which is also the amazing blessing or superpower of what if what is best for me in this situation also turns out to be best for everyone involved, the dream.

A right-sized solution in all ways. Isn’t that beautiful. What else is like this or could be like this?

It’s the little things (sometimes literally!)

I am thinking about other ways we can appreciate the little things, as in: it’s the little things, but also in the sense of SMALL SHIFTS towards yes, and also in the sense of compact solutions.

When a right-sized solution offers itself, it is reassuring.

And if a solution is not right-sized, maybe I want to wait and see, or maybe I want to keep it moving, or maybe I want to get rid of some things and make space.

How do we bridge?

What is the transition from not-right-sized to more-right-sized?

I think it starts with noticing that I have yet again taken on too much, or that I got overwhelmed because something has too many steps, or the steps are too big.

Or, alternately, that I am thinking too small, and need some expansiveness.

I think this is about checking in with the question more than anything. How am I doing? Where am I at? Is this a good fit?

Right-sizing the list

Something I try to do each day with my list is rename each item (for magic, for poetry, for de-stressing, or to make it either more enticing or more relatable), and then break it down into smaller steps, the aforementioned Complete Willingness Units.

Is this step right-sized, is it a step I could conceivably take or coax myself into taking, and what is its new name?

Right-sizing, and also renaming as a form of right-sizing.

Disentangling myself perfectionism, when I can, to the extend that I can

This is about noticing patterns of perfectionism, aka am I turning my wish for RIGHT SIZED into another form of striving, more focused on a future idea of achieving than on being present with what is.

And can I be kind with myself about that when I notice it too?

Right-sized isn’t about perfect; we don’t have to fall into the trap of expectations related to getting everything to fit just so or be just right.

Right? Because, again, the world isn’t built like that and life doesn’t work that way. Most of it is going to be not right-sized, and navigating the discomfort of that is part of existing.

Right-sized as a theme for me is more about orienting myself towards a theme, and less about being laser-focused on an end-goal, if that makes sense.

What is next on the quest of right-sizing?

I think I want to just sit with this phrase and concept some more, and let it reverberate. It feels like an important clue, and maybe the why of that will reveal itself later. Or maybe it’s not important why.

Also I am hoping that I can keep finding daily examples: ”Oh look how x solved itself, look how y became more right-sized, look how we changed the shape of a task or lowered the expectations to make it more doable…”

Maybe as I play with noticing how I relate to the size of things, I will also become aware of how I want to be in relationship with those experiences…

How do I want to be in relationship with [X]?

Calling on grace, compassion, curiosity, sweetness and warmth.

Drawing on presence, playfulness, receptivity, courage, trust and ease.

Channeling a motivation to show up and just start, and find out where it leads.

A right-sized amount of these qualities, a right-sized appreciation for the mystery.

And so we begin / and so we continue

Here’s to a year of right-sizing, of trying to be in right relationship to the tasks at hand — which probably involves making them more bite-sized.

Here’s to a year of being more attentive and cognizant in my relationship to how things are sized, to what Thi calls An Aesthetics of Activity

Adding right-sized to my wishes, my experiments, my compass — the circle of qualities I am naming and invoking for this year.

Entering as I wish to be in it. With as much hope and presence as I can conjure in this moment, and maybe that too can be the right size, however much it is. Breathing into my courage-heart, let’s do this.

That seems like a good place to start. What do you think? Let’s be brave and keep going.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

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