A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

Some ROI-related stories, but not the kind you’d think

Telling and retelling

I have told you about this before. In fact, in the past somehow twenty years of writing for this website, I am sure I have told this story several times.

My dad says that a good story is like a good song, always worth repeating, new every time.

I tend to disagree with him on this point, cursed by the gods as I am with too good of a memory. In other words, I often don’t want to hear the same stories that I have known word for word for as long as I can remember.

Or at least I didn’t want that when he could still remember them. Now I crave anything familiar.

An accounting and a recounting

But we are getting off topic. The story I have shared here with you that I want to revisit and retell is this:

My favorite uncle likes to say that, traditionally, the ROI on worry tends to be very low.

A low return on investment. The lowest. Worry doesn’t yield good dividends.

Right?

He’s not wrong.

And yet…

And yet

This is true, or it feels true. There is little return on investment on worry. Certainly not in a good way. No reason to keep doing it.

And yet. When I am experiencing debilitating anxiety, this wisdom doesn’t help.

Or at least, it doesn’t matter to me because worry is one experience, and having my body-mind flooded by overwhelming terror is another.

Worry state vs an actual anxiety episode

When I am in a worry state, it is or can a good and useful reminder to me to pause and breathe. What’s the ROI on this worry? Oh right, it’s zero.

Yes, good point. Typically the ROI on worry is very low, let’s cut that shit out and stop worrying. Yes, right, I forgot. What a useful reminder.

On the other hand, when I am inside of the experience of what I can’t even really describe, but it does feel like a flood, a hormonal flood? A flood of terror washing over me?

Reporting to you from within the flood zone!

All I can say for sure is that within that flood state of the anxiety episode, everything is or feels overwhelming, impossible, too big to meet, too scary to even contemplate…

From within that space, it doesn’t matter at all whether or not it’s true there’s no return on investment in this emotional chaos state, because ROI is irrelevant. I am focused on surviving, just trying to find any ground to stand on.

All I want in that moment is the promise of land ho, even a glimpse of potential terra firma in the not-so-distant distance.

A prayer for landing, a prayer for shelter

Yes, that is all I have in those moments.

Please just let us find land, any shelter from this storm…

Or maybe the prayer is about seeing or recognizing or remembering how the storm is not real? Or remembering that it is temporary and of the moment, that it too will pass.

It’s hard to say.

All I know is that in those moments, I crave stability and sanctuary. But mainly: I don’t want to keep doing what I’m doing.

I don’t want to have to keep being this resilient, this brave. I don’t want to fight and I don’t want to surrender; I want to be somewhere that is not weathering these ongoing waves of panic.

ROI, renamed, revisited

And so I decided, in one of those moments of seeking the ground and not finding it, to temporarily rename ROI so that I can be the thing I need it to be:

Reduce Overwhelm Instantaeously. Or: Reduce Overwhelm Incrementally.

Whichever is more accessible to me in that moment.

Often that means reducing what is overwhelming in my immediate space because I tend to get visually overwhelmed before everything else.

But often it’s about making a very brief list and then doing seven minute bursts of activity in service of reducing overwhelm. Making room in the chaos, grounding and regrounding.

A list of ROI

What would be the smallest and most readily available steps to reducing overwhelm right now in this moment?

What would support this? Who can help?

The other day, my friend spent three hours with me on the phone while I broke down boxes, washed dishes, cleaned countertops, and then chopped twelve onions and slowly caramelized them.

Who knew that what I needed most was to have a big jar of caramelized onions instead of a big pile of onions on the counter? Well, the version of me who was able to come up with the list did, and they were right.

Transformations into transformations

It’s kind of an apples into applesauce into cake thing, an alchemy, a transformation in space.

The bowl of onions was maybe more of a symbol of what is stressing me out more than what is actually stressing me out, but the process of caramelizing them was meditative, and the extra counter space helped me focus.

And then over the course of the week, the caramelized onions volunteered themselves and became an onion soup, and then the soup became a green chile stew, transformations into transformations. Process.

What else do I know about this?

People vary, of course, and you will have your own sense of what is right-sized and what is overwhelming.

For me, eight emails is a doable amount of emails to look at in my inbox. More than that, and I don’t even want to open the inbox.

Which is a problem, because then I just won’t for two weeks, and then there are considerably more than eight items in there.

It’s good to learn these things about yourself and then develop protocols around them, figure out what helps. Try things. Run a grand experiment. Check in, try again. Or try something new!

Talk to me, ROI expert self

I am ready to get some advice from the part of me who is already an expert in ROI.

And maybe this self is an expert on Reducing Overwhelm either instantaneously or incrementally or both, or maybe they are an expert on the more traditional ROI, return on investment.

Or maybe they are an expert in my uncle’s wisdom of simply not worrying because it yields low returns. I don’t know, and maybe I don’t need to. I am just asking for wise counsel.

What does this self want me to know? What do they wish I knew?

ROI expert self has some thoughts….

I set a timer for ten minutes and listened.

ROI expert self: It is not news to you that you are a sensitive flower, though sometimes you try to forget this or power past this. Reality is that you are easily overwhelmed by what is in your line of sight, and you are calmed by open space, a clear line of sight.

Reducing overwhelm means letting yourself prioritize this, it means tending to your actual needs at hand. It might sometimes mean that more things need homes, or at other times it might mean reducing what you have.

You need everything to be fun, or you won’t do it, and that’s why we RENAME everything and try to channel a good degree of lighthearted play.

What else?

Me: Okay, this all feels accurate, and also not new, though I’m sure I need the reminders. What else?

ROI expert self: Writing hour is good for you, regardless of whether you perceive it as yielding returns. Same goes for walking in the pasture. Do these things that help you feel grounded and supported. Do them not for the returns, but for the steadiness of doing them.

Keep things moving. Let go of what is done. Or give things as gifts. You don’t need to hold on to every clue. Trust that the next one will arrive in good timing. Keep clearing space. Gleam some surfaces.

What’s next?

Me: I get so overwhelmed and don’t know where to start.

ROI expert self: It does not matter where you start. The starting shifts the energy. You have a good intuitive feel for what is needed. You know how you would clear space for a guest. Start there.

Light a candle. Have a brief dance party. 7 minute timer. Shift the energy in tiny bursts. Trust in the fractal powers of small shifts.

Rename everything on the list so that it’s less stressful, and break it down into what Barbara Sher called Complete Willingness Units, what is the smallest simplest step you’d be okay with trying?

Sometimes you tell yourself you don’t know where to start, and yet I think you do know. You have a feeling or an urge. Dance it out for a song or get on the floor and stretch for a song. Ask yourself again.

Or, flip a coin between two options, and then see how you feel about what you landed on. There’s always an internal clue to listen for. But also it really doesn’t matter. Timer on. See what you can shift. Give yourself credit for being brave.

Where I’m starting…

Clearing space. Cleaning surfaces. Trying to stay intentional and grounded. Reminding myself that both [immediate] and [incrementally] are valid options.

Noticing any guilt/shame patterns as they pop up, or if I get WAYLAID, and applying as much compassion as I can muster. It is easy to get overwhelmed. It’s okay that this is how my brain works even if I don’t like it, that’s the reality I’m working with, so how can I approach with kindness…

That’s the real work, isn’t it…

That’s the real work isn’t it. How can we approach with kindness. And reality is, sometimes we can’t, either because we forget, or it isn’t available to us in that moment. Okay, we can take a breath, begin again, and remember together.

If kindness isn’t feeling like something we can access, what else can we channel? How would we respond to a friend who was overwhelmed? With understanding and a hug? I think that counts as kindness.

Let’s start there if we can, or brainstorm a new starting point as needed. We can figure this out, one fractal step at a time.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

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