Say no more (story hour)
Over the past months in the desert, my car has gotten dustier and dustier, and when I do curbside pickup and have to identify my car, I say it’s dusty, and the person I’m speaking to says SAY NO MORE, I SEE YOU.
This week I finally got around to figuring out how my mini vacuum cleaner works, and gave star car a thorough interior gleaming, and then figured MIGHT AS WELL take care of the outside too, and drove across town to that one car wash where everyone is in a mysteriously good mood.
“Spa day for star car!”, I sang to my car. That’s the entire song, but I sing it to her when we are going through the car wash, both to calm myself down and to remind my car that she is loved, and that we are doing this in service of Freshness and Shininess and other spiritual-magical qualities that we want to be reminded of.
Anyway, I got back to the casita and it immediately began to rain, and then it rained on and off for two days. So I didn’t need to go to the car wash, but also I did, you know? I don’t know if I can explain it better than that, but that was basically the theme of my week.
Things were stuck until they weren’t, and then when they were unstuck, everything else flowed in such a way that I didn’t really need to do that work of unsticking to begin with, but also all timing is right timing, and no effort is wasted, and it’s all connected, and things get clean in the time that they get clean, and so on. And so we breathe through it and sing a little song.
Weekend Check-in, we made it.
Reviewing the week aka Chicken/Check-in is not only a reassuring ritual and fun to say, but another form of remembering, turning inward with attentiveness.
We can name what was difficult and name what worked, I find naming therapeutic. What am I experiencing and how am I experiencing it? All intel is useful.
Mainly we’re here to take a breath for having made it here. High fives all around and hand-to-heart appreciation.
If I neglect to name something big in the world, could be ADHD but also I’m on an extended news break after spiraling hard.
Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…
THING ZERO and THING ONE remain the combination of the pandemic and the dissonance, no shared reality, no shared context, re the coronavirus, though also in the political and also re climate change, it’s kind of all blurring together to me, it’s hard to remember who I can talk to and who I don’t trust anymore.
I said this last week, and I still think this: The pandemic has been so revealing and so clarifying, and that’s maybe the most diplomatic thing I can say about it, but one of the main things it has revealed and clarified is how many people I know (and thought I admired and respected) who view my life as expendable, and seemingly view most lives as expendable. Or maybe they don’t think about my life at all, and they just do what they do, but I don’t like it. It’s embarrassing and infuriating that we couldn’t get it together in the most minimal way to protect each other.
Other than that, kind of in and out of moods, and extremely exhausted.
When I finally got to the new place, I slept for ten hours straight and then spent the next two days napping, binging netflix, pacing, and staring into space. There might be more of that. It’s been a lot. Everything has been a lot.
Skipped sun salutations twice this week because the thought of moving at all was more than I could take.
I suddenly have multiple options for safe places to stay this summer which is exciting, but also like, where were these options when I had to move eleven times in a month?????
What else? So. Much. Anger. Just rage-fury-pain at the world and my world, and a world of memories. I am pacing and crying and taking dance breaks and just feeling everything the way I feel everything.
Also I really need a hug, and someone to talk to please, and we are still in a pandemic so there is still no way to do anything about either of those things, they remain wish-hopes, and I wish-hope for things to change.
Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet
I gathered forces and found a new safe house and made it there safely and I get to stay for an entire month. The last time I was somewhere for a month was last June. I almost don’t know how to handle this feeling, what is this, sanctuary, relief, hope.
Listening to music I haven’t heard in twenty years and some of the memories are sad, but so many are wonderful. Dance dance dance, keep dancing.
I have been making really fantastic meals for myself, which is the goal: Delicious Food, Beautiful Plated, Just For Me. This has been so hard for me in the past — I love to make meals for someone, and the idea that actually I am that person who is deserving of the kind of meals I can make, is blowing my mind.
Made deliveries of dessert to two people and they were both very happy with the surprise treats, and I was happy with their happiness.
Despite all the pressure I feel to Solve All The Mysteries, Close All The Doors, and generally get things off my list as fast as possible, I have been trying to practice compassion and go slow, aka let the pace be the pace.
Visited one of the places where I might be this summer, and it was beautiful and peaceful. Made friends with some donkeys and a horse and a very sweet dog.
It snowed on the mountains which is extremely unusual for March, and then I saw two rainbows. Big change, big hope. Clues everywhere.
I was feeling so foggy and lost, and then Incoming Me said, babe you’re a sorceress, please act like it, and I snapped out of it and went back to making things extra-magical, infused with intention, playful, delicious, unexpected, in the ways that I know how, even when I forget.
Delicious things remain delicious. Vengeance remains a truly excellent and exalted pursuit that brings me joy. Legs up the wall remains a perfect way to spend an evening.
Thank you again so much to everyone who sent me surprise Appreciation Money this week via Barrington’s Discretionary, it is always welcome and received with love, and if I can land in a place, which is the wish-goal of wish-goals, I can share more writing here, that’s my preferred way to fill time; writing and hopeful thoughts.
Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…
I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.
We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!!
How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot.
And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.
Love ya,
Havi
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Hi Havi!!
I love your story of sparkly un-stickiness!! It matches the little insight I am having as in my emergence from the stuckness of It’s Time For a New House But There Are No Houses, into Suddenly There Are Possibilities Pouring On My Head! The insight is that I don’t need to flail around making backup decisions to the backup decisions. Each thing will emerge in its time. I feel as if I’m going to be watching as their shiny selves pop up and settle where they belong.
That is the good this week! I am finally heading into my New Life with New Sweetheart.
Love to all,
Do Mi
Do Mi! I am so delighted for you and New Sweetheart and New Life, that news warms my heart truly and deeply, and yes to your beautiful realization about emergence and watching the shiny selves pop up and ring into their right places, I love this so much, thank you for this cheery update, I have been thinking of you!
????
Words are hard and I am sleepy (time change jetlag without even the benefit of travel), so I am giving hearts.
I’m so happy whenever I hear from you. Wishing you (and us all) safety. Sending virtual hugs & the hope of in person hugs one day soon.
Hearts back, safety and hugs and all of it to you. <3
*babe you’re a sorceress, please act like it* may be my rallying cry for the week ahead, and I needed one, so thank you!
I’m going to silent retreat on the hard things in my world right now. The good things include a cat who snuggles with me, spiced chai, and a new-to-me humorous podcast series that gives me comfort and delight.
RALLYING CRY!!!
Wishing you a joyful approaching Spring!
This week’s hard: clarifying realizations about life and my place in it, worthy of further investigation.
This week’s good: successful negotiation with a money monster.
Wishes: improving health for my cousin, recovering from a time of critical illness.
<3 <3 <3 for all of this
“ Despite all the pressure I feel to Solve All The Mysteries, Close All The Doors, and generally get things off my list as fast as possible, I have been trying to practice compassion and go slow, aka let the pace be the pace.”
Yes yes yes. Thank you for naming both halves of that dance.
“babe you’re a sorceress, please act like it” oh.
YES. Such an ongoing theme, and I cannot be reminded of it enough!
*hugs* from across the Atlantic (that’s got to be socially distanced!)
That reminds me of a time in my life when it seemed like nothing happened until I was OK with the idea of it not happening, at which point it promptly happened.
Anyway, I just chickened yesterday, but I’m going to chicken again, because why not.
The hard:
– wanting to be appreciated (and people to read my books)
– and also wanting to be left alone (to write my books)
– the social media mystery
– the news, ugh
The good:
– [exciting family news]
– grape hyacinths flowering
– enthusiasms!
– cheerful bras
What’s working:
– online board games
– following the rabbit hole
Working on:
– single-tasking/hold the gaze
Yes and thank you for the reminder re following the rabbit hole and also being okay with the not happening and then it happens, that is such a thing. Transatlantic hugs back!
I am so grateful to have been led here by forces of benevolence and master poets of right timing, emerging from a very hard week into I don’t know and feeling ok about it, even glimpses of peace and hope
The hard is a long story and metabolizing into some mythic nourishment so
The good was watching the pine tree across the alley dance in the harsh breeze
Dream messangers were prompt in patching up leaks in my magic stores, dreams of retrieving beautiful tattered clothes and making potions with rabbits and owls
My children’s eyes shining and their own organic acts of kindness coming forth
Tending to my houseplants and the joy of unhurried maintenance
Thank you so much for this space to share
Pine tree dance magic <3
All timing is right timing. This landed in my mailbox on Monday evening and I opened it this evening (Tuesday), at the right time to appreciate it’s beauty and wisdom.
@ Do Mi– I celebrate your New Life with New Sweetheart! How joyous that you have found someone! I wish for you the perfect house at the perfect time.
Last Tuesday I broke my ankle, and that has derailed by plans for how I want to handle moving. Pain hurts and it wears me out. I can’t work when I’m exhausted, and I can’t work when mentally sluggish from being medicated. By work, I mean packing and organizing things. I am putting what energy I have into holding onto the vision I have of creating an orderly environment out of the chaos of moving.
I want to get a knee scooter so I can be mobile and active and carry things.
I’ve been promised helpers this weekend. May that come true!
The hardest hard was being in pain, and the “goodest” good was the helpful people around me, including my sisters, and friends Wes and BB.
I hope and wish for helpers this weekend to pack and move small things, and for the professional movers to *be* professional and competent and careful.
Oh Vicki I’m so sorry about your ankle, and the timing of that with the move, I hope a scooter helps and may all the right helpers show up. <3
“Let the pace be the pace.”
Thank you for that clue.
Babe, you’re a sorceress! Oh YEAH….
This has already been a week of Quiet Mind-Blowing Revelations for me, and it’s only Wednesday! Even when these are hard I always count them as Good. I have been on a very very long journey with something about myself which has been one of uncertainty, not-knowing, pretending to know but not feeling that comfy with what I chose to pretend, questioning, abandoning questioning and in the end Admitting That I Don’t Know and trying to be OK with that. Then suddenly I woke up on Saturday morning and I knew. And I wrote in my journal, “Well, I didn’t know before, because I didn’t know. And now I do”.
A big breath and hurrah for this, which changes my entire landscape. Another reminder to Let The Pace be The Pace and All Timings are Right Timings, even if they take YEARS longer than you want/expect/think they oughta.
Blessings and hearts and breaths of love to you all, and thank you Havi for the language and tools to help me create my self-fluency. xxx
Landscape changing! Quiet Mind-Blowign Revelations! AND YES omg to we couldn’t have known what we didn’t know until we knew it!
Hyperventilating, trying to let go of things I can’t control anyway so why am I accepting the responsibility?
Breathe, dummy, breathe.
Wooooooosh.
Need some serious gleaming.
Must…stop…trying…to solve…all…mysteries…
Trying to be the happy go lucky carefree dumdum everyone else thinks I am. It’s so hard.
Now channelling my inner assassin: “Help me Obi-Wan Havi, you’re my only hope…”
Ah so relatable, so much energy has gone to surviving that figuring out the rest is a lot <3
Slow motion montage, what a helpful concept. Perhaps when I’m in slomo I can notice the details better?
Mostly hard this week, but a few tiny accomplishments and I know it could all be worse.