the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 380th week of wishing, come play!
Say what you want to say…
That is the song playing right now.
Say what you wanna say /
And let the words fall out /
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Honestly I want to see myself be brave.
Say what you want to say and say what you want.
This is how the song goes in my mind.
What do I want?
I have been less than honest with myself lately, maybe always, both about yeses and about lots of things.
I have been upset with other people for not sharing with me what they want or how they feel but I have also been keeping my cards close to my heart, and then sometimes even forgetting to look to see what my cards are to begin with, it’s been so long since I looked at them….
What do I want?
Beautiful Clarity. Wild Clarity. Trust in my clarity.
Quiet. Freedom. Quiet Freedom. Out under the stars. Deep healing sleep.
But mainly I want to keep being present with my cards, checking in with my current yes.
Am I following the path of now-yes, or am I taking long, winding, not-particularly-fun detours related to yeses that past-me set into motion, and somehow I got distracted by life and neglected to alter my course. Ah, of course, this is about intention and trajectory.
What do I want?
I want to be someone who sets clear, loving, sweet expectations with everyone in my life. I want to say hey let’s put cards on the table, let’s be warm and honest and vulnerable about true yes in this moment.
I want to release expectations and assumptions. Conclusion jumping is the most dangerous sport in the world, and I feel upset when people I love partake in it, but to be fair to them — and to myself, I need to permanently quit too.
What do I want?
A new way.
Do I know what I mean by this?
Yes: A new way (or possibly many new ways) of communicating what I want, of being beautifully clear.
Is there anything else I mean by this?
Yes: More time communing with the yeses, finding out more about what is true yes, what is 120% yes, what thrills me and calls my name.
Is there anything else I mean by this?
Yes. But I don’t know how to describe it yet.
A new way of everything, maybe. I will know more about this later. For now, this is more like a clue about clues to come.
What do I want?
A new metaphor.
What do I want?
Less is more.
Well, sometimes less is more. Other times less is clarity. Other times less is just right. Either way, I want to practice Do Less and Choose Ease. I want to remove distractions.
What do I want?
To keep asking this question until I know.
What do I want?
To be out in quiet peaceful places, writing, in happy connection with fun playful people, creating. Trusting the process of life and taking joy in being alive.
What do I want?
Some goals in the form of secret missions.
And to go wild with proxy missions, following all the rabbit holes.
For example, yesterday I was imagining what it would be like to run a retreat center in Bliss, Idaho, because who doesn’t want to come hang out in a state of bliss?
Clues about what I want…
- Phoenix rising from the ashes. Aka sometimes letting it all burn to the ground is a good thing.
- I had a dream that Vanna White came to visit me and she told me I was beautiful. Best dream ever.
- Lady K of the Jewels said something about how in order to achieve [Thing X] that I strive for, first you have to become a walking fuck-you to the rigged game. I used to be that, and then I forgot how. Time to remember.
- All week long I have been asking people how they feel, meaning: emotions, when to me it is very obvious that this is the context, and they have been responding with answers about their physical environment or how tired they are, and it is time to ask a different question, or to ask the same question in a new way.
Superpowers
I watched all the Cubs vs Dodgers games in Los Angeles, surrounded by Dodgers fans.
As you might imagine, I am always happy to watch the Dodgers suffer humiliating loss, in addition to being thrilled to see the Cubs finally make it to the World Series. And so I was completely charmed and surprised when the series ended and the bar full of Dodgers fans applauded the Cubs for winning. Their team lost and they applauded. I’ve never seen anything like that before. It was beautiful.
Here’s to the superpower of applauding the outcome, even when it isn’t what you want.
I also want the superpower of entirely new levels of DNGAF, and the related power of Saying What I Want Even If It Scares Me, and the related power of treating myself like I am a wild wonderful genius worthy of being cherished, may it be so.
Anything else?
Yes. Maybe this is a clue too. Or maybe it is more like a theme.
I own two lipsticks. One I lost almost immediately after acquiring it, as if being instructed to go with deep bold red and not screw around with being sweet and pink, because now is not the time for that.
After I made peace with bold red intensity, my friend found my other lip color under her couch. Time to make peace with the bold intense things and then trust.
Or to trust, and then be bold and intense. Something like that. Maybe that is another form of say what you want to say.
Centered
This is the month of Centering, with the superpower of Delicious Space, and I am returning to what centers me by asking what I want.
And actually you might say that being curious about what I want and need, as a life practice, is a form of making room for delicious space.
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a very long wish called new breath / new air to breathe, and now I am out of Los Angeles and out of a ridiculous misunderstanding and out of all kinds of things, and this is good.
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
we remember that people vary and my wishes don’t have to be yours, each process is unique, and this is a good thing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
Follow
“a clue about clues to come.”
So many <3 sparks for this.
I'm circling around two wishes. Or maybe it's more like two wishes and I are circling around each other in some sort of ever moving Venn diagram. Sometimes we're all very far away, then sometimes we all very close, and sometimes two of us are very close & one is far away, and at other points are all the various combinations of closeness in-between close & far.
But I don't quite know these wishes.
These two wishes are not solid "I want that" sort of wishes.
And they're not quality wishes (wishes for a quality).
And they're not far off, someday wishes.
I know, generally, some of the things these wishes are related to, and some of the things they concern. So, I know the peripheries of these (my) two wishes. I do not know the heart of these (my) wishes.
They feel big, and highly interconnected.
So, I'll wish a stepping stone wish of, more intel please!
(And a companion wish of seeing clearly the intel I have and the intel I gather.)
<3 <3 <3 I am familiar with this kind of wish or a similar kind, the periphery hint-wishes, and I am rooting so hard for your wishes, may they have all the sanctuary they need to reveal the heart in right timing, and I am already excited about them, whatever they are!
<3 <3 <3
Ouch:
“superpower of applauding the outcome, even when it isn’t what you want”
“treating myself like I am a wild wonderful genius worthy of being cherished”
So many sparks erupted when I read these that the embers almost hurt.
!!!!!!!
How do I feel?
Curious. Hopeful. Open.
What do I want?
Connection and Freedom. Both/And.
* <3 *
Both/And. Yes.
apparently cryptic rambling is what i have to say:
i want to be honest and sit with this very unwanted truth: my competitiveness is enormous, especially with this *binary magic* thing that i want to make my new profession. [today it almost ate me up.]
i see and deeply feel how the game is rigged and i cannot spend a day outside my house and not see all the people (=ALL the people) fall victim to this and hurt.
yet i cannot break free from my? / outside? expectations and pressure. i want to succeed, i want to be quick, i want to be b e t t e r. no, better be perfect!
what i want to admit is: i have no idea how to make this stop. i feel defeated from the very power that allows me to do this (very hard) thing in the first place??? so it’s a circle – but what does this mean? i have no clue and i am crying (not about the news or a movie but) about myself for the first time this year. which is so very belated…
(superpower of cryptic rambling bringing whatever it needs!) and love for your good heart
I am beginning to learn about the Queen of Hearts (who is the one who lives by love and not by guilt). She is surprising me. She likes dark, intense, moody colours. She has hearts all over the place, obviously, but they’re very red. She isn’t scared of feeling what she’s feeling. But she isn’t all hello birds hello sky.
It turns out that I do want to go to Mars, or, at least, to have a sniff around the launch pad. So that’s useful to know.
I am a bit scared of this week’s wishes. I’m going to wish them in brackets:
[ ]
[love more]
[trust more]
[even if I have somehow wished for the wrong thing, I will get the right thing]
!!! <3 !!!
Dark & moody Queen of Hearts!
(Which I originally typed as Queen of the Hearts!)
!!! !!! !!!
“Here’s to the superpower of applauding the outcome, even when it isn’t what you want.”
oh yes. ty for this.
A new incoming is whispering to me, a new wish has presented itself with blinding clarity…and the monsters are Not Having It. Wishing safe space for the wish to nestle in, root, and grow. Wishing the courage to nurture it, to give it water and nutrients in the form of actual action steps. Wishing Trust. Deep Trust, and all the superpowers of Belovedness.
Love for everyone’s wishes. <3 <3 <3
!!!! ! !!!!
I want solutions to (literal and figurative) rot that do not (literally or figuratively) bankrupt me.
I’d like for this cough to clear out before contradancing commences.
I want the Cubs to win the Series.
I want tomorrow’s call with an insurer to go smoothly and the transaction in question to be performed accurately, efficiently, and competently.
I want ease for my friends in therapy.
I want more waltzing.
I want dance partners twice as good and three times as patient as me.
I want more exhilaration than exhaustion.
What do I know? That my doggedness has stood me in good stead.
That my impulses have served me well as well.
That I am lucky.
That I am deserving.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
I am finding Rilke’s letters to be a lovely, gentle and deeply perceptive catalyst for questions and answers about true north and inner life. Rilke knew things. If nothing else, a beautiful read. Suggesting. Hope that is not overstepping into offering advice.
yes <3
I am sensitive (mm okay, that’s a given–how about Even. More. Sensitive.) and raw and I have finished organising my mother’s funeral service and (why of course) I am now badly sick with a chest and sinus infection, and have even conceded to taking antibiotics (which turned out to be a very good call, thankyou GP and wise me who recognised I had been diligently netipotting and salt watering bits of me and perhaps needed additional help).
But the big thing is wondering how I will speak at her funeral tomorrow. As well as being unwell (though my voice is returning–metaphor?), I am feeling maligned (which is likely part real, part perceived) by family members, and had to book a taxi to go to the doctor’s (though at the last minute my Sweetest of Sweet Neighbours took me), but I was still left feeling super Alone and super Sooky.
So here are my Wishes:
~ (borrowed from Havi as they’re so perfectly articulate!) May all misunderstandings and distortions dissolve in Love, if not Laughter
~ May I Honour my mother AND my experience of our relationship
~ May I express myself Eloquently and Poignantly and be the Queen of Grace and Integrity
~ May this Old, Old Feeling of Unwantedness loosen it’s grip on me–may I hold it with love and tenderness (and yes, even wantedness) so that it doesn’t have to hold me so tightly I’m burningly alone
~ May bonds be forged and grown from this jungle of weed and debris
~ And ohmygosh, please don’t let tomorrow be filled with tangled suffering; let the grief just be clean and whoosh away the distortions and suffering
Ugh, and another wish is “Please teach me to CONDENSE my self-expression!”
(I am translating this wish, for me, to something like “I am looking forward to being able to delight in my unique form of expressing myself in whatever form comes in a given moment!” because this is a superpower I want, along with my always-wish for brevity superpowers which I suspect is really a wish for having more options of how I want to process things! <3)
YES to being honest and clear about what is 120% yes! And yes please to the SuperPower of I Am a Wild Wonderful Genius Worthy of Being Cherished! May we each remember that this is of course already so. Sx
<3 <3 <3 MAY IT BE SO