So. There is a me who has … oh, let’s say, issues about making phone calls.
And there is a me who does not even slightly have this problem.
And I know this because …
Well, according to the Book of Me, which knows all:
I have been known to put off calling certain people for weeks — even though I like them and want to talk to them — because the thought of picking up the phone makes me hide under the bed.
And I can also easily and gracefully jump on a teleclass where a thousand people are waiting to hear me say smartnesses, completely unprepared, and not even feel the slightest bit nervous.
Weird. Okay. Where do I go from here?
My clever, clever plan.
Obviously, the crazy best thing to do is to (nicely) lure these two selves into a room and eavesdrop while they have a conversation. And take notes!
But first I am going to make a list of everything I know about each of them.
And then I am going to ask each one to tell me more.
What I know about The Me Who Dreads Making Phone Calls:
She (especially) does not like to call:
- if it involves setting up an appointment
- anyone related to her
- good friends she hasn’t spoken with in a looooooong time
What informs the not-wanting? What situations hold discomfort for her?
- if there might be waiting or being put on hold
- anything involving confrontation
- possibility of questions that she can’t answer (or doesn’t want to)
- when there is no limit, no end in sight, no way to know how to end things
How she is feeling in this state of not-wanting-to-call:
- irritable
- anxious
- worried that other people will try to make her feel guilty
What else?
She has a lot in common with how I felt when I was a smoker.
In fact, sometimes I think I mostly smoked because it was such a good way to avoid things like making phone calls.
She likes safety, quiet, isolation.
What I know about The Me Who Has No Problem Whatsoever Making Phone Calls:
The calls she makes with such ease:
- client calls. Fun!
- teleclasses and teaching events
- her gentleman friend
- her best friend
The elements of these calls. What gives them so much ease?
- she is a pirate queen
- there is comfort for her: she is welcome, she belongs here
- there is nothing to defend
- there is either an agreed upon ending point or it’s no big deal to say okay gotta go
How she is feeling in this state of calling not being a big deal?
- relaxed
- gracious
- at ease
- comfortable
- safe
What else?
She also likes safety, quiet, isolation. But she brings those qualities with her.
And she also has access to other qualities, like radiance, groundedness and grace.
She has a lot in common with Teacher Me and Yoga Teacher Me and Shivanaut Me.
Okay, Me Who Dreads Making Phone Calls. What can you tell me?
She says:
I need more comfort. More! Comfort!
I do not need to be talked out of this or healed of this or … fixed. Don’t fix me.
Just give me space and comfort.
Things that help me: structure, form, order, certainty, lists.
Things that stress me out: mainly just not knowing how to get out.
I need another fox in my video game, you know?
Spaciousness. Protection. A better invisibility cloak. Lowered expectations. Trust.
Really, the best scenario would be if I didn’t ever have to call anyone. But if I could go away and someone else would do it for me, that would be okay too.
I say: Thank you for telling me what you need, sweetie. I will do everything I can to make sure you have access to these qualities.
And you, Me Who Doesn’t Have A Problem With Phone Calls? What do you want me to know?
She says:
You think of me as the strong one, but the truth is that both of us (the one who can make calls and the one who can’t) are strong.
And we both exist to protect you and to serve you and to make your life good.
We are sisters. And partners.
We are not as separate as you think. We exist together.
I say: Wow. That wasn’t what I was expecting. Thank you for telling me. Appreciated.
That’s where I’m stopping for now.
It just seems like a good place to stop.
But yeah, the two versions of me had a fairly entertaining conversation and then we all went out for beer.
I’ll post it here next week. In the meantime …
Comment zen for today …
As always: We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff.
You are more than welcome to share things you know (or want to know) about various selves or parts-of-you.
This is a safe space for us to be with our stucknesses, which means 1) we don’t try to push through fear, and 2) we meet people where they are and we don’t give advice (unless someone specifically asks for it).
I don’t put Phobic-Me out in public in order to be told what to do. I let her show up here so that none of us has to be alone in this. And for hopefulness and for the process of being in a process.
Internet hugs all around.
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Oh my goodness. I am a total phone-phobic. Really, really, really (can I say that enough times?) grateful to peek in on this conversation, Havi.
The not knowing how to end it is what gets me. A few months ago I shared that with my mother and she said, “You can just say, ‘I gotta go.’ Most people won’t ask for an explanation.” So I do that sometimes, but then it is like leaving the dentist and setting up your next appointment, you know? “Well, I gotta go, but I’ll call you on, hmm, no tonight I’m busy but maybe Tuesday?”
Oh, okay, epiphany-mid-comment, a big part of my mine is the “needing more containers of time” structured into my day. Part of it is I’m not sure what I am doing once I get off the phone, either. Time for some Level 2 arms to help unravel some more of this.
.-= Megan Lubaszka´s last post … Wednesday Wisdom =-.
Thanks for sharing this conversation.
In my newspaper job, I always put off making the calls for interviews, etc. as long as I possibly can. I tell myself things like: no one will be there, they won’t want to talk to me, what if they’re mean to me, etc. etc.
Then, finally, when I can’t put it off any longer, I pick up the phone to make the first call. It’s never as bad as I imagine it will be when I finally hear a voice on the other end. Most of the people I talk to are really nice, and I get to ask questions and learn things- things I love to do.
So yeah- I get the phone schizophrenia!
And I’m thinking I might try this with other things that parts of me hate/find difficult and other parts of me don’t mind or maybe even like…
.-= Liz´s last post … Back to School- Without Losing Your Cool! =-.
Thank you for this wonderful space of not having to be alone. If fact without access to your wonderful blog I do go a little mental and people do get a bit sick of hearing me say, “well, I read this thing on Havi’s blog the other day and ….”
It is the canopy of protection and most especially tonight, as I embark on a wild and scary adventure alone to meet a part of me that really needs meeting, I am grateful for knowing it is here.
.-= Wormy´s last post … The Tale of the Silver Ring =-.
Oh wow, you nailed my phone call achilles heel (heels?): Making an appointment or calling an old friend I haven’t talked to in a long time.
How brilliant to bring the video game fox in with me! Because for me it’s definitely all about not wanting to feel stuck — Trapped with Official Appointment scheduled, OR on a rambling rundown of everything that’s happened since we last spoke and We really must do this more often and why don’t you ever callllll meeee?
(And, I also had a funny flashback of my friends making each others’ break up phone calls circa junior high. Or, erm, more recently.)
.-= Briana´s last post … Shannon Wilkinson in the Green Room with an ice axe =-.
Yay! I have those versions too, but the side conversations are not nearly as interesting! I take comfort in the fact that it’s normal to be ambivalent about most things in life, and acknowledge that I’ll never be Chatty Cathy to more than a select few.
It seems whenever I comment on your blog, I’m in the coffee shop across from the lovely neighborhood yoga house thinking how beneficial a bit of Vinyasa would be…
Okay, you so nailed me here. I feel the exact same way about making appointments and calling people who I know I can’t easily get off the phone with, or who may mercilessly interrogate me.
It’s this weird paradox for me of I don’t want to be lonely, but I don’t want to have to actually talk to anyone right now.
Thanks for naming this for me.
xoxox
Jess
Hello Havi,
I have part of me who doesn’t like to call people too. Though I’m not sure I have the other one. Lucky you!
I think appointments are stucky for me because I don’t like to go out, and I know if I make appointments then I’m storing up more scary going out stuff for later. I also don’t like to let people down, so I don’t like making appointments incase later I can’t meet them.
I don’t like phoning relatives and friends because I feel bad that I haven’t phoned them (I know, its circular)and I don’t want to have to explain why. I also take a lot of other people’s stuff on me if I’m not in the right frame of mind to speak to them. I feel I need to ‘fix’ things for people, which as you know isnt really helpful. I also know a lot of people ask what you’ve been up to. And because I’m so stuck at the moment, I haven’t been up to much, and what stuff I have been working on, I don’t really want to talk about.
There are some people I can speak to, though I don’t usually phone them. I think I manage that because they understand (as much as anyone can) my stuckiness and don’t feel they have to sort it (cause that just makes me feel guilty).
Thank you for giving me lots to think about.
Pamela
Havi, hugs for Phobic You and Pirate-Queen You and all the other You’s that play in your inner garden.
Talking on the phone, like anything is else, is great only when the timing is right. So I’m very conscious of when I get on the phone.
When I don’t feel like talking on the phone, I don’t make or answer phone calls. I also don’t get on the phone shortly before bedtime, or when I’m tired, or hungry, or need to take care of myself first.
When I do talk on the phone–my closest friends live far enough away that we have long conversations on the phone several times a week–it’s generally lovely.
This is partly because, if I feel myself starting to disconnect from my body mid-way through a call, I’ll say something like: “I’m starting to leave my body, so I’m going to hang up now.”
The people who love me understand, and love me anyway. 🙂 And they know they’re free to tell me when they’ve had enough too, so there’s none of that awkward, trapped how-do-we-get-off-this-thing feeling hovering in the background.
Love, Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … There’s Wholeness in Holes =-.
Interesting…I knew I had a Phone-Phobic-Me – she is well documented…but I hadn’t realized that there is a little, teeny, tiny Non-Phone-Phobic-Me. I’m interested to hear more.
This is so interesting.
My phone phobia developed relatively recently, so sometimes I still don’t think of myself that way. And then I wonder why the heck I’m not making that call I need to make.
My biggest cause of phone phobia is definitely the appointment setting. In fact, maybe I really have appointment-setting phobia. That future planning kind of drives me nuts!
But to hear that phone-phobic me might actually be partnering with a non-phone-phobic me? Can’t wait to read more about this. So much to explore!
.-= Victoria Brouhard´s last post … Find the No-Brainer Scenario- The “Good Enough” Opportunity =-.
The only time I’m truly, 100% comfortable on the phone is when I’m talking to my mom, who, after a lot of years of ups and downs, has become my dear friend.
The reason is that nothing is expected of me.
I don’t have to be knowledgeable, or funny, or accomplished –or even very newsy. There’s ease. And a lot of laughs.
Plus, she does most of the talking. 🙂
.-= Rupa´s last post … The Snooze Button =-.
Phone calls are difficult, especially when:
– I have to make an appointment
– I have to negotiate
– Something in my house is broken, and I am scared and feel stupid.
The other conflicting two selves I have, is being a shy extrovert. I teach creative drama, I love people and I actually enjoy public speaking. But, place me in a room with strangers and I’m stumbling over words, awkwardly hopping into conversations and pretending I have something interesting in my purse. That was only great thing about smoking…it was an easy ice-breaker.
.-= kerri twigg´s last post … My education- grade five =-.
My phone phobia has been lifelong. I remember begging my mom to make phone calls for me at a very tender age.
Being a visual person, not being able to see body language is a major handicap. Also, I hate the “improv” quality of phone conversations. I don’t do spontaneity.
Email is so much easier: I can choose my words at my leisure.
I don’t think I have a non-phone-phobic me.
.-= Barbara J Carter´s last post … New dot painting- “Mandala” =-.
Wow.. just wow.
I don’t have a Phone Phobic Me, I have a Getting Things Done Phobic Me. The Not Getting Things Done Phobic Me is very like your Pirate Queen. She loves being useful and skilled and competent. She loves checking things off her to-do list. She loves being admired for being so awesome. The Phobic Me is worried…. what if I don’t do it right? What if I can’t get it done on time? What if I’m not really half as awesome as the Pirate Queen thinks I am? Better just not do anything.
Maybe I’ll put a pirate flag on my to-do list for tomorrow. Aarrgh 🙂
I relate very strongly to both Phobic-You and Not-Phobic-You. I have very similar phone issues. Right down to hating to make appointments, and avoiding making calls to family members or people I haven’t spoken with in some time.
And yet, other calls I make with no problems. Calls that may seem, to others, MUCH scarier. Doing interviews and that sort of thing. No sweat.
I also feel that it has something to do with having a known protocol and ending point – an escape route if you will. In any case, I look forward to reading more of this conversation.
.-= Amber´s last post … Practicing Creativity =-.
Wow. This is great! I like that you broke this down, and since I suffer from an eerily similar phone phobia, it’s like you gave me free therapy today.
Free therapy rocks! Havi!
It’s cool that you were able to so easily clarify the triggers of each situation, and what would make it work.
And also, how cool is that, that the phobic you said, “Don’t fix me.” So much of what we do has nothing to do with being broken, and everything to do with not listening.
Awesome.
.-= Bridget´s last post … Moneylicious Pt 2- The Pole Dance =-.
I await the next installment with pleasant anticipation!
Right now, the Me who just wants to sit quietly and relax is running around in agitated circles, because there’s a deadline tomorrow morning and I’m making her do stuff! That part of me hates deadlines, but I really don’t want to miss this one, so I hope I can figure out some way to help her.
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … It’s only Day 4… =-.
OMG, this is me – well not the smoking part since after the third person told me I was holding the cigarette wrong I said Screw it. I could not get why sometimes I just pick up the phone and dial and then other times a Sherman tank can’t drag me anywhere near it. Epiphany.
.-= Deb´s last post … When the miracle becomes a curse =-.
I love this! So glad to hear of you & the lovely people in the comments w/phone phobia. I thought I was the only one – If I’d had to call to order the Shiva Nata DVD rather than do it online, I’d never have it! I have one friend who understands. It’s a huge wonderful relief to have made a necessary phone call. But then the other Me gets up and reads my poetry to an audience without blinking an eye. I wonder what they’d say to each other.
I’d say “me, too” but that’s been done much more eloquently by the other commenters here.
What is it about talking on the phone that does this to us?
I do two things that help me, all tricks I play on myself (it’s my my brain, after all):
1/ I pretend that, whatever the call is about or who it’s with, it’s going to be F.U.N!
2/ I pretend that when I get off the phone, I’m going to feel G.R.E.A.T!
A lot of times those tactics work. They’re better than pretending the phone call is going to suck and I’m going to feel completely rotten after it.
Havi, I love how you bring an issue to light that’s real for you… that we can relate to … and you show it to us with such dignity and humour. You’re marvelous and amazing.
.-= Jill Chivers´s last post … What Happens When You really Listen To Yourself =-.
Fascinating.. I relate to most all of this.
But for me, a great deal of it is also Pavlovian. For many years, I could not answer or pick up a phone without a cigarette lit. Years after I quit I still feel the discomfort of the nicotine trigger when I’m around a phone. It’s more difficult when you brace or psych yourself up, only to encounter the answering machine wall on the other end. If your (message) call is returned even just a few minutes afterwards, the moment is lost. You’ve lost control. So much easier to pick up and be surprised, even. And way easier to make phone calls that aren’t as important to you. Afraid you’re going to catch someone in their very own phone-phobic mood!
Still trying to figure this out, looking forward to the next installment!
I love talking to total strangers. Clients are a delight, although not as easy as strangers. A phone call (or GASP a vist) to someone I love feels like I have written a blank check that my bank is now asking me to cover. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! It works when I successfully remind myself that unconditional self acceptance is the ultimate radicalism and when I free myself I free everyone else too. And then sometimes I cheat and also remind myself that it’s my screw ups that often end up being the biggest gift I can give — because they’re so danged authentic.
I find having at the very least a pen and paper at hand helps with the phone calls because it gives me something to fiddle with in addition to taking notes (like for appointments etc). I used to love talking on the phone, just ask my mom, who paid the $300 in reverse charges I ran up the summer I was in Michigan. LOL But things changed.
The pen helps. Putting on a persona helps. Knowing the call will be over soon helps. But I still have trouble calling my parents now. I still am afraid I’m going to be interrupting/bothering them (they took care of my grandfather the last two years of his life and inevitably I would call when he needed something).
Good stuff to ponder here. And glad I’m not alone. 🙂
.-= Andi´s last post … The Sketchbook Project- Week Two =-.
Dude, I’m having a Fluent Self first! As in, in this case I actually already know what’s going on with me and phones for the most part.
I don’t have internal conversations the way you do per se, but I always used to think of my alter ego as the one who was confident around people. Then I saw I heart Huckabees from which I took my favorite line: How am I not myself?
Then I didn’t think about the alter ego that much because we’re all the same me. Focusing on the integratedness helps me access stronger aspects of myself more readily.
Phones, blergh.
Some of it’s timing: I don’t like calling when people are preoccupied with doing other things while we’re talking. And since it’s hard to predict & people tend to be busy, I’m reluctant to call most people. I don’t like feeling that I’m not worth their full attention. Only 1 exception I can think of.
Mostly, I don’t want to answer the phone after 8 PM. Or before noon. Or during any meal.
I can mush through appointment making (assuming it’s something I don’t mind much in the 1st place, but that’s a separate issue) and inquiries. It’s awkward sometimes but I know what I’m after and they don’t last that long usually.
Perhaps oddly, I think I could handle a teleclass without being crazy nervous (least not about the phone other than for technical reasons). It reminds me of my alter ego when I worked in film. I’d show up on a set where I knew no one, would find the people I needed and then have someone ask if we were old friends. I could do it because I knew my role, what was expected of me, what other people’s roles were (call sheets are awesome that way listing names and job positions). There was CONTEXT.
Well that’s enough rambling from me.
.-= claire´s last post … Im not going to apologize =-.
Thank you so much for validating this. Sometimes I feel a little crazy because I find it so hard to call FRIENDS, but other times I’m totally at ease. Very comforting to know I’m not the only one!
Yes, yes, yes! I’m flabbergasted at how many people echo my feelings! I so love this community of sensitive folk.
.-= Dawn´s last post … Taking the Learning Out of the Classroom =-.
You are FUN!! I’ll be back for sure. Thanks for the inspisration.