Something about checking in
I have had the phrase SOMETHING ABOUT in my head a bit lately.
As in: I don’t know what, exactly, but something about…
Something about a something!
Something about how I am finding myself in and out of moments of utter fog and startling clarity.
In other words, [Something About] is what I’ve got at the moment, a clue, a direction, a pointer, maybe.
And who can even know anymore which things are hard and which are good, how can we categorize anything when it’s all so confusing at the moment, so I am trying a slightly different format to check-in/chicken, and naming all things on my mind at the moment. Like an inventory. Of somethings.
Something about a (something about) and something about a check-in that is also a chicken.
For starters
Something about returning to ritual, specifically.
Something about freshness. Something about sorrow.
Something about beginning again, and the mysteries of re-emergence when there is no going back, and no “back” to go to, even if we wanted to.
Something about forgetting and remembering.
I made a mint simple syrup for the first time in twenty years and added it to a startlingly tart and bright lemonade that I made from the lemons from a tree in a garden in Arizona, on the property of the parents of a friend of mine from Oregon.
Something about paths and how they cross, something about sense memory, all the way back to my forgotten orchards that are never forgotten and always so close and too far at the same time, long gone, gone now.
What did I forget last night
I have to laugh about this because the main something about something that I wanted to tell you about has slipped my mind.
It is so odd to have been cursed by the gods with flawless recall of any conversation I’ve ever had, but to also have ADHD and not know where my keys are or what I was so clear on last night.
Something about it was until it wasn’t, and now something new.
Something about the relationship between mourning and demolishing
Something about grief, again.
Something and really Everything about DEFUND & ABOLISH, and more than that, and sooner, and how do we get justice when the system of justice is inherently unjust, and the casualness of the wrong-doing, the [overwhleming vastness] that is too much, to see and re-see how our culture continually harms black and brown kids in terrible ways, and the cumulative damage to the psyche from watching it happen over and over again, how is this still happening (I mean, I get that the system is designed for this to happen, but it’s still infuriating), this past week of murder after murder was so awful and so telling, and the “justice” so small.
This week was so much.
Something about impatience
I have lost my temper many times this week, and was abrupt and unkind.
Something about authority (experiencing helpless fury dealing with institutions and their uselessness, endless phone calls to resolve a mystery bill, and it is still unresolved but I am out of the ability to stay with this and stay embodied at the same time).
Something about sudden uncontrolled rage (mine), and how it still surprises me.
Example, I got so mad at a Keurig coffee maker, I don’t know why, it was just taking up so much space while doing so little and being unattractive to me and drawing the eye exactly where I don’t want it, so really this is more something about aesthetic sensitivity, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing at all.
Something about maybe I am getting mad at the small things because I can’t handle how mad I am at the big things.
Something about rage and spite as fuel, and how relatable this is to me.
Mysteries of X and not-X (what am I solving for)
Something about the mysteries of sleep, and of course how the longer they remain unresolved, the more moody outbursts I am likely to have.
Something about the mysteries of place.
Something about unknowns and waiting.
Something about a line in a song suddenly striking differently. “Once I could swallow the full (entire) moon…”
Something about poetry.
Actually, quite a lot about poetry. Most of my somethings, maybe. I don’t know.
Something about wishing wishes in the shower, and how this is the only place I like to wish wishes.
Something about how most of my moods can be fixed by adjusting the temperature or what I am wearing.
Something about the power of aesthetic pleasures.
Something about zen and something about emoji
After much much effort on the part of Richard, we did figure out how to make emoji work here (aha, something about ❤️ ☀️🌵⚔️ !!!!), so that is a delight.
However making this happen involved losing the last two blog posts and related comments (something about loss).
So I don’t know, if having those is important to people I could try to possibly repost them, maybe salvage some of the comments, or we could also let it be like a zen garden made of sand, and know or remember in our hearts how the sand made beautiful patterns that were then lost to the wind because they were of the moment.
(Something about taking a breath for the beautiful that is beautiful because it is ephemeral).
Something about second-guessing myself.
And then getting bored by that pattern, and then doing it again.
What is yes? What is known about yes?
If nothing is known about yes, surely something is known about no?
Something about wanting to be seen and known by a someone
Something about how someone who I thought knew me very well saying they don’t think of me as a hedonist, when obviously I am a Known Hedonist (but not to this person, so do they need to know me better or do I need to recommit to my Devotion to Pleasure, probably both…)
Something about my friends and how they, unlike former lovers, can always be counted on to text the best and most correct things (“wow how could anyone read you so wrong, you are a top 10 hedonist, you are the blueprint of hedonism, you prioritize lusciousness and sensual delight in a way that is INSPIRING!!!”)
Something about blooming
Thinking about walking somewhere with my cousin Itai, this is many years ago, and he said something about how I am blooming now, like in the sense of coming into my myself, flourishing.
This week I drove through saguaro national forest, as I do, and the saguaro are blooming, I got to see it happen, because I drove every day, so one day they had not bloomed, and the next day my tall beautiful friends had sprouted hats and crowns, soon with white flowers that will open, glorious.
The ocotillo are blooming too, speaking of plant friends who teach about boundaries and boundaries and boundaries, with love and patience.
Something about what have I learned since last they bloomed? A lot. Not enough. Something about that question more than the answer.
Something about what have I learned (or maybe what haven’t I learned) during pandemic life.
Something about assumptions.
Okay, maybe a lot of things about assumptions.
Hmmmmmm feelings
Something about getting a text that says “Still adore you” from the person who disappeared for nearly a month after saying they would never disappear again.
Something about feelings and something about being addicted to chaos.
Something about needing more reminders and never enough, tell me again.
Here + now
Something about finally landing.
Something about full powers.
Something about lusciously embodied.
Something about the solutions that show up when you need them, and how they are not the ones I tried to force or jerry-rig.
Something about the bliss that resides and hides in repetition, sort of a runner’s high, but without the running part.
Pleasure
Something about the best Bulgarian sheep feta drizzled in olive oil, something about the small joys.
Something about a poem a friend sent me, something about translations and renaming.
Something about the just right pillow and how it changes everything.
Something about the small pleasures can lead (sometimes) to bigger ones.
Something about anticipation, my very favorite drug, and finding new sources.
The freedom in the grief
Something about knowing there is nowhere I need to be, no one I need to take care of, nothing that needs me, and this can be very deeply depressing, or it can be beautifully liberating, and right now I am finding some joy in something that has been painful.
Come play with me in the comments!
Something about how much I love you all and appreciate your company and companionship in these experiments, these adventures into reflection.
You can regular chicken (name some hard/good in your week), or name some somethings about somethings, or whatever you feel drawn to do with lovingly reflecting on the week.
DID I MENTION WE HAVE EMOJI WORKING NOW?! Go wild. ✨
Reminder that you can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.
We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing.
How are we holding up? Haha maybe that’s the wrong question. What kind of somethings are we having a something-about about?
xox
Havi
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Oh, yes,the duality of hard/good was just not working but SOMETHING ABOUT totally works! Brilliant.
Something about being lonely while still living happily with my partner of 35 years and being an introvert and grateful not to have social obligations.
Something about needing to write and not knowing why or for whom.
Something about reclaiming a purpose in life.
Something about creativity within the need to be “good enough”.
And so much “ Something about maybe I am getting mad at the small things because I can’t handle how mad I am at the big things.” (Relief at accountability, despair at the illusive nature of true justice.)
Something about all this in the context of spring blooms and vegetable seedlings, fresh and local broccoli, asparagus, radishes and greens of all kinds.
🥦🥬🥕
Something about bliss and anguish existing simultaneously and just being the essence of life. 🧘🏼♀️
(Noticing how I still think in opposites, even while saying hard/good duality doesn’t work for me right now. Hahahahaha.)
Something about watching ducks.🦆
Something about needing to know more about the just-right pillow!!!!!
Something about hope in the form of offspring who are finding ways to make a difference.
Sending light to all.
Something about everything trying to happen at once and a little bit of a reality traffic jam.
Something about the past changing constantly.
Something about how the word apocalypse means uncovering.
Something about forms and essences and who we are even when we don’t know how to say it.
Something about the goodness of what is, the goodness of simple, the smallest unit of what you’re sure of.
Something about Mrs. Dalloway.
HARD:
-12 hours of fasting, for…
-blood work. Yay. My most favorite activity. Yay.
-AAAND the nurse missed the vein on one side, brutalized the other, AND left a needle drag when yanking it out. Great.
-I had to do this in the middle of a pandemic.
-And we were definitely not 6ft apart.
-And one person was clearly not wearing a mask, DESPITE ALL THE SIGNS.
-And I had no choice, because life-giving medication is on the other side, because insurance does not care if it kills me.
-I have woken up to an anxiety attack every day for the last 3 weeks. I can’t imagine why.
-Something about depletion, needing REST so hard I could cry, but somehow no amount is ever enough? What is this black hole of Need That Cannot Be Met?
-Something about the existential terror of WAITING FOR RESULTS, and I hate this.
-Sick cat is still sick. We’re on med #4 now, and starting to combine them to become Super Med.
-Other sick cat is still refusing to be sedated, because of course he is.
-Only doing useful rituals 50% of the time.
-Forgetting to do physical therapy.
-Or hydrate.
-Or water the yard.
-Something about being interested in / wanting things that my body cannot do.
-Something about liking routines, maybe a little too much.
-Something about wanting / needing to talk about things that are taboo, and so I have to keep them internalized, and it’s so very frustrating.
-Something about heartbreak, and how sweet heart moments feel the exact same to me as very very bad heart moments.
-Something about just drowning myself in other worlds this week, to the tune of blocking out the world. What even happened there?
GOOD:
-SASSWitches discord, thank you for existing.
-At least I’m doing the Useful Rituals more often than never. (Or Every Little Bit Helps.)
-Second dose of Pfizer is on Wednesday!
-The inflatable hot tub is the most glorious thing ever created. I have spent an obscene amount of hours in it.
-Resistance bands came in, so now I can rehab my knee without needing to force it to just take body weight, and hallelujah.
-I now have a document of Wise Questions and Wise Reminders, and this has been obscenely useful. Stuck? Check if I have violated a Reminder. Still stuck? Refer to the questions.
This week was… not good. I’m praying that next week brings good news and good vaccines with no awful side effects, please. Hope, Magic, Growth, Ease, Rest, and Uncovering Mysteries, please.
Comment🔥♥🙏💯🤩
Ha I did not mean to leave the word “comment” but I’ll take it as a metatextual comment on commenting. 🤔🧐😜
“Something about second-guessing myself. And then getting bored by that pattern, and then doing it again.” Sparks of resonance for *that*.
Something something treasuring myself in the way I choose nourishment, in comforting familiar ways *and* in intriguing new ways.
Something something why does it so often feel so hard to Get Things Done? Something something GTD is malarkey anyway, and dangerous malarkey at that — and sometimes I have to do it anyway, and I would rather *dance* with that truth than battle with it.
Something about a soft cotton dress on a beautiful spring day.
Something about connection, wanting to feel connected to people, wanting to have them feel connected to me. Something about wanting to be cherished and to *know* that I am cherished.
Something about sleep.
Something about being here, being present, taking this moment to reach out to you — yes, to you, reading these words now — and glow kindness.
Something something 💖✨💖
Thank you.
I think it’s all wrapped up together for me. This/that.
I have had a week off! It has been just what I needed. We were meant to be going down the Rhine, but we always knew April was a long shot and the ticket is good through November, and also refundable if nothing works. And yet I am still a little bit sad about not going down the Rhine.
The tulips in the garden are wonderful. Striped red-and-yellow, pure yellow, striped red-and-white, purple, pink…
New shoes (one pair is also striped!) Deckchair in the garden, trip to the seaside.
The this/that of being tired and fed up despite the fact that there’s nothing objectively wrong with my life, acknowledging the reality of the tired and fed up and looking for ways to appreciate the nothing being wrong. I had a good cry on Thursday morning, then sorted out all the aloe vera and spider plant babies, and then we went to the tip.
I still don’t know how to deal with other people’s anger, other people’s frustration. At the moment I am hiding from it, but that is not an approach I want to adopt for the long term.
I mostly do comments on my computer rather than my phone, but let’s have an emoji orchard:
🌳🌳🌳🍎🍏🍎🌸🌸🌸🍊🍊🍋🍋🍊🍒🍒🌳🌳🌳
Something about the phrase “bulgarian sheep feta” fills me with delight. As well as the thought of you savoring it.
Checking in because some things were — not as expected.
The email about the check-in showed up in my inbox tonight (April 25) but was for February, not April. Is that a message of some kind?
February: for me, the 14th is family birthdays, nothing more any longer. Can romance return soon?
Something about anniversaries. This past week, April 22 was THE anniversary, the fourth one, and it didn’t feel like a thing. For the first time in four years, I’ve been thinking ahead to the anniversary on May 4 instead. And that *does* have an emotional link to February 14.
Something about rituals and observances. I made up some personal observances (something meaningful on a personal level) for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s. I had nothing for Valentine’s Day, St Patrick’s Day, Easter, or April 22. I kind of regret Easter, because last year sister C and I did some cool stuff. This year it coincided with a trip to see a family member whose birthday is April 4. Birthdays seem to matter more now.
I want some kind of observance for May 4. That’s a Tuesday and Tuesday is kind of a meaningful day for me. I was born on a Tuesday; maybe this year May 4 will be a kind of day of rebirth?
This feels very woo.
Something about new furniture for the living room. I ordered it months ago and it is supposed to arrive this week. Will it be what I wanted? Will it fit? Will it be comfortable?
Something about real food.
Something about a decision that I won’t be making but that will affect me in a really huge way.
Something about my broken ankle, and older, ongoing problems of pain. Something about physiotherapy, chiropractic, slow healing, gaining strength. Something about finding the balance between activity to build up strength and too much of the wrong kind of activity.
Something about planning the week and following through.
Something about sleep.
Something about making a list of things that are on my mind… yes, that feels very right. Thank you for the idea, Havi!
Something about sovereignty and knowing my limits.
Something about revising rituals.
Something about motivation beyond fear. Motivation rooted in love and belonging and knowing my worth.
Something about holy rage and how peace is not the absence of anger.
Something about needing the polarity or dualism to categorise my experience; I got so lost in all the ‘something abouts’ that I lost what they were about. Something about executive brain functioning?!
The Hard
~ an intense sinus infection that seemed to impact me systemically
~ very sick/sick too long + accompanying isolation = emotional downward spiral
~ the horrifically protracted, dehumanising treatment of asylum seekers
~ the realisation that my home is making me sick yet being too unwell to figure out solutions
The Magic
~ a doctor that trusts me more than I trust myself, it would seem
~ food prep over the weekend meant I still ate healthily all week, thankyou Past Me
The Uncategorisable
~ I invariably look good no matter how sick I am* which is both a blessing and a curse
* Once I was hospitalised for five days in ENT hospital (when beds were scarce and they kicked people out prematurely, when I could barely speak, and had to shuffle myself and the IV drip to the bathroom), yet I looked so well that people were confused and doubting. Luckily/unluckily, I was too sick to care what they thought.
“Something about maybe I am getting mad at the small things because I can’t handle how mad I am at the big things.”
WHEWWWW
Yesterday I got so annoyed by my partner doing something maybe a little thoughtless but not a big deal that I had to leave the room until I was ready to say “hey next time could you XYZ?”
Yesterday I almost cried when I realized the Caesar salad I had been looking forward to from the fancy place a mile away had come without any dressing
Yesterday I almost slammed the laptop shut when my friends on a Zoom call were taking longer than usual to wrap things up.
I am feeling this. Hard-core.
Something about (finally) remembering to listen to this blog post late on a day of more intense depression than usual, and having it be deeply, deeply heart-satisfying. 💞
Hand-on heart thank-you’s to you all, for calling your calls of comradery across the intarweb, and a deep Namaste-bow 🙏 of thanks to Richard, for heroic opening of the way for Emojis! 💻🏆🍑🎆🎡