A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

Operation streamlined / learning about ease & not-ease

The most confounding advice

I wrote about this a little bit last week, but basically the situation is this:

Every time I try to consult with any Incoming Selves, aka any slightly future versions of me, they refuse to weigh in on my problems, and just say: It’s easy if you do what you want.

It’s easy if you do what you want.

Is it though?

I mean, come on. I want it to be! But I don’t know…

Havi Gets Prickly!

And then, invariably, predictably, I get a little prickly about this, for two reasons.

First of all, I am very limited in what I can do thanks to a variety of constraints, from financial resources to available options to how much energy I have, so how is it even relevant what I want if I can’t act on it.

Second, what if I don’t know what I want!

Or what if the things I want all seem equally appealing and/or unappealing! And often at the same time! Which seems extra unfair.

What if everything just comes with pros and cons, and considering them is overwhelming, how do I even know which is my yes?

To which my incomings say, you guessed it: It’s easy, if you do what you want.

Exploring

So I have been exploring this concept of It’s Easy If, as well as my own prickliness in response to it.

This exploration has become the theme of Operation Streamlined, which is the name I have given to my summer excursion that resulted from fleeing a fire at my place, without taking anything with me.

Now I am visiting family and friends in Oregon while I wait for some good news, and I am considering what it means to let something be easy. I am learning about Ease and Not-Ease, and how they relate to Streamlined.

And I am learning (a lot) about how much resistance I have to this entire process. Good to know!

Clarity, a slow and steady drip

So far, some bits of Clarity have landed, and I am going to share them with you.

They might not be the clarity you need for your situations, whatever those may be, but maybe the clarity I received contains some sparks or truth-kernels that can support your own investigations and explorations.

Clarity #1: the caveat to It’s Easy If You Do What You Want

The thing about It’s Easy If You Do What You Want is that first though you gotta do the hard part of admitting to yourself what you want.

I have to be honest with myself, maybe even uncomfortably honest with myself.

More than that, I cannot pretend to myself that I don’t know what I want! And it turns out that I like pretending I don’t know what I want!

Wow, it is so vulnerable to just say it out loud. And yet. Every time I say that I don’t know what I want, it turns out that I do know, and I just don’t want to admit it.

Ease begins with Not-Ease

As my wise and hilarious friend Kathryn put it: Tough news that in order for things to be easy you have to begin with the hardest task in humanity!

Say what you want. To yourself. That’s step one. And it’s a doozy. Or it can be.

It’s easy if you do what you want (but first you gotta name what that is and not hide it from yourself!).

Clarity #2: Acknowledging some ingrained patterns

I found another way to frame this question of how would it be easy to do what I wanted if I knew what I wanted or if I could be honest with myself about what I want…

And that is:

What would I do in a given situation if I weren’t invested in people-pleasing everyone involved in these scenarios???

And what I got from investigating that is that the reason I do so much people-pleasing is because I don’t want to be around the energy of someone feeling resentful about me being in their space.

Some background

I was raised by people who had big moods that were unpredictable, I was married to someone who didn’t like sharing space with me, I’ve had roommate situations with people who wished I didn’t exist, and so on. I have spent a life maneuvering, trying to not stress anyone out with my presence.

So of course I am not taking into consideration what I want because I am primed to worry about what I think everyone else might want.

Or: it turns out that I can’t turn off my accommodating and people pleasing patterns while making considerations, then maybe the answer to what I want right now is to not stress people out because then I have to be around their stress…

And also maybe there is a deeper want that I can access if I’m not trying to accommodate everyone…

Something about conflicting yeses

For example, I want to be somewhere by myself so that I can’t engage in those patterns, but my other True Yes is three minute hugs (outdoor dancing) and seeing friends and connection.

So I am back to diving into this question/mystery of “It’s easy if you do what you want” but hard to admit what you want.

A clue about cards

My wise and wonderful uncle, Svevo, said something about sometimes just saying yes to everything and letting the cards fall as they may.

And he’s not wrong, and also even with that I have to be hyper aware of people pleasing tendencies.

I am thinking about being raised by people whose moods swung rapidly and unpredictably, and how I am trained basically from birth to be hyper-attuned to everyone’s mood, and contorting myself to not be a negative impact on someone’s mood through being in their space.

Something to take to shower-therapy or walking-in-circles therapy, or walk a labyrinth on it.

My comment is more of a question

I thought I had another piece of clarity, but it was more of a question than a comment, or: more of a question than a clarity.

Is the wisdom of “It’s easy if you do what you want” the same as “If it’s not a hell yes it’s a hell no”…

And for me, if that’s the case then everything right now is a hell no, because all my options are in the category of “sure, maybe that would work for me” but nothing is a concrete yes, other than outdoor dancing which is a big yes.

Interview with an Incoming

Havi: Please help me integrate this clarity. I’m still feeling unsure about how to assimilate any of this. Like, I think I understand the basics of [It’s Easy If I Do What I Want], and that first I have to get really honest with myself. But where is the ease exactly?
Incoming self: You are going to do some outdoor partner dancing, after six years of not dancing. Do you remember the secret to dancing with someone?

Havi: Yes, you can’t try to devote yourself to pleasing the lead, because it will just be confusing and exhausting for both of you. You have to move from the earth, and dance your dance, and be beautifully grounded and consistent. Then the lead knows what they are dealing with, and it’s easier for them to dance with you than if you are trying to give them what you think they want.
Incoming self: You get it.

Havi: So it’s like that, but between me and me. Or between me and the situations, or between me and the cosmos. Or am I not getting this?????
Incoming self: It’s easy if you do what you want.

Tell me more

Havi: Tell me more, please. Like what do I do with all these constraints, for example.
Incoming self: Treat the constraints as a gift. The constraints make things easier not harder because they are so clarifying.

Havi: Say more about this.
Incoming self: Constraints are your friend. Constraints are the banks of the river. The constraints show you what you are working with. They narrow things for you in a useful way. Like the structure of a haiku. Sure, you can only do so much, but that also means you have the gift of a form to fill.

What if

Havi: What if I genuinely don’t know what I want?
Incoming self: lololol

Havi: What if I’m scared to say what I want?
Incoming self: Of course you are. That’s why it’s so courageous to choose ease.

Havi: I don’t know what to do with that.
Incoming self: Say what you want.

Havi: I want my passion back, but also I know there is no back, so maybe I want a new passion. I am afraid of burning out again, so I want a new way that prioritizes my well-being. I want to prioritize joy, fun and play. I want to find a new better path or enjoy the one I am on more.
Incoming self: That’s a great start. Good job. Tell me more.

The gentle art of being uncomfortably honest

Havi: I miss teaching, but I don’t want to be at the front of the room.
Incoming self: What if you start by just magic-8-ball-ing some small situations…

Havi: What do you mean?
Incoming self: What do you want today? What do you want this week? What feels like a strong yes as opposed to a maybe? You have the tools to get quiet and tune in, so get quiet and tune in.

Getting quiet and tuning in

We take a break to do a little meditation.

Havi: What I want is to prioritize peace and quiet. And there are things I want to teach but through not-exactly-teaching them. And you are right that it’s time to release the people-pleasing.
Incoming self: You know what I’m going to say.

Havi: It’s easy if I do what I want? But first I have to say what I want and make peace with the fact that I want it?
Incoming self: Yes, and you have the right idea on first steps. Get really quiet, go inward, wait it out. Say no to things that get in the way of that. Say yes to experiences that fill you up on joy. Reduce chaos. That is also related to streamlined.

Havi: Anything else?
Incoming self: Try to have more fun. I know these are terrifying times, and also: you are alive. Find the pleasures that feed you.

Where do we go from here?

My plan is to keep exploring.

Which right now involves more getting quiet, more fun, more talking to my incoming selves even if they give me the same advice that I haven’t figured out how to follow yet. More practice following.

Whether that’s following clues, following instinct, following like in dance which is mostly about feeling and trusting and moving from the earth…

Let’s start from quieting, and from fun. And keep asking the question, keep being brave. What do I want?

A breath of thankfulness for the possibility of knowing that I can ask, even if the answers scare me, even if the silence scares me. It’s courageous to wonder and explore and care and keep on keeping on. A thousand points to us for playing.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

You are invited to share any related situations or musings of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️