I talk to my monsters. Kind of a lot.
Last week I talked to the one who doesn’t want me to go on Skabbatical. This time: an especially bizarre conversation with the most giant monster of all: Book Monster.
Usually I get a Negotiator to show up. But the only one who is intimidated by my book is me.
So it was clear that I’d need to do the negotiating on this one because no one else can even see this monster.
Also: usually my book monsters are the scariest, most doom-filled, threatening, “you don’t deserve this and you’re not good enough and everyone will hate you and you will FAIL” monsters ever, but that’s not at all what happened. Anyway.
A very unlikely beginning.
Me: So. What happens if I write the book?
Monster: Gaaaaaaaaah. Disaster!
Me: Tell me more.
Monster: (sighs) Where do I even start? First of all, you’ll get fat.
Me: Huh?!?! Where did that come from?
Monster: Look at all your friends who gained weight like crazy while working on their books. It’s like a pregnancy, but worse. Especially since no one ever says, “oh, you’re eating for two” when you’re writing a book.
Me: (cracking up) You’re kidding, right? That’s what you’re worried about? You know, I wasn’t sure what you were going to come up with but I DEFINITELY wasn’t expecting that. Really? That’s my fear about writing a book? That I’ll gain weight?!
My monsters like to know that there’s a plan.
Monster: (tries to be menacing) And never take it off! And you won’t get any sympathy! From anyone!
Me: You know, I have to say … I’m not completely sure I believe you. I think you’re probably trying to distract me. But I did write a section in the monster manual about how it’s good to treat monster objections as if they’re legitimate. So … okayyyyyy.
Monster: Nu?
Me: Alright. Can we come up with a plan for this?
Monster: What kind of plan?
Me: I don’t know. What if we walk for 45 minutes after every hour of spending time on the book?
Monster: That would be good.
Me: So what, you’re not worried?
Monster: Not if you have a plan.
Me: This is really screwed up.
Monster: Just tell me you have a plan.
Me: Alright! Good to know. I have a plan. What’s next? Give me some more objections. Why is this book a Very Disastrous Thing To Be Avoided?
Monster: You’ll turn into an annoying pompous asshat once you’ve been published.
Me: You believe that?
Monster: No. But it happened to so-and-so. And also that one person.
Me: Okay. I’ll come up with a plan for that one too. Actually, I’m pretty sure there is something about that in my Pirate Queen Vacation notes.
Monster: Fine.
Ah. Here comes the Doom!
Me: So what else? What do I need to be worried about, in your opinion?
Monster: (frowns seriously) You might not finish it. You do, after all, come from a long line of people who don’t finish things. It’s your heritage.
Me: First of all, that’s hardly true. And even if it were, what happens if I don’t finish it? What’s the big deal about not finishing?
Monster: DISASTER!!! DOOM!!!
Me: I know, I know, but what kind of disaster? Is it the shame and humiliation I should be worried about? Or other people’s criticism? Or self-doubt? Or is it that I’ll get paralyzed and won’t start other projects missions? Or the world will have expectations of me that I can’t meet? Or …?
Monster: Yes.
Me: Yes?
Monster: All of that.
Me: And … what if I’m okay with the possibility of not finishing it?
Monster: What?! WHAT?! Are you trying to break my head into a million pieces?! I do not even understand your question but I DEFINITELY DON’T LIKE IT.
This is The Book we’re talking about.
Me: So you’re saying it’s unacceptable to not finish things? Or, alternately, do you meant that it is impossible that I’d be okay with it?
Monster: Both.
Pause. We look at each other.
Monster: But more the second one. I just don’t see it. Why would you be okay with it?!
(That last bit said with such utter disgust you’d think I’d not only suggested eating worms but insisted that putting olive oil on them makes them more tasty).
Me: Huh.
Monster: Anyway, I wouldn’t let you be okay with it.
Me: I know. That’s why we’re having this conversation.
Monster: Which I didn’t want to have to begin with.
Me: I know, honey. And I appreciate it. Thank you.
Monster: Hmmph. Don’t try to be nice to me. It disrupts the order of the cosmos.
Me: Clearly. Anyway, why are you so determined to not let me be okay with starting a mission and not finishing it?
Monster: Are you kidding me?! This is The Book we’re talking about. The Book! If you start being okay with abandoning your dreams, we’ll have total chaos around here. End of Days! Doom!
Tell me more.
Me: Tell me more.
Monster: If you abandon a dream, it sticks up the works.
Me: The “works”? Are you speaking metaphorically.
Monster: Maybe. The point is, you really shouldn’t abandon dreams. It’s very bad for the system.
Me: The system.
Monster: My job is to make sure you don’t abandon the important dreams. But also that you don’t make progress on them. That way at least we maintain the status quo.
Me: Riiiiiiiiight. I have to say, this conversation isn’t going where I thought it might. Let me get this straight. You need to keep me from forward progress on dreams. While still making sure I don’t abandon them.
Monster: Yes.
Me: And tell me again why this is so important.
Monster: Oof. I told you.
Me: You said abandoning a dream sticks up the works. But what about moving forward? That sticks up the works too?
Monster: (extremely agitated) It disrupts the balance!
What do I know about balance?
Me: And balance is important because …?
Monster: What the hell kind of yoga teacher are you? Balance is an Extremely Important Principle!
Me: You’re right, at its essence. But this isn’t balance. It’s limbo. It’s living in limbo. Though this does kind of explain a lot of things in my life.
Monster: (suspicious) Limbo? Like sticks?
Me: No, like purgatory. Frozen. Paralyzed. In between.
Monster: (relieved) That’s what we’re going for, yes.
Me: But that’s not balance.
Monster: (narrows eyes) What do you mean?
Me: I’m a yoga teacher, remember? So I know about this stuff. Balance is related to flow. Things that are in a state of flow can achieve balance, which they do by reacting and adapting to new input. Paralysis isn’t balance. It’s stasis. It’s stagnation.
Monster: What are you saying?
Me: You’re not helping me achieve balance. You’re keeping me from achieving balance.
Monster: Oh no! Are you sure?
Me: Yeah.
Monster: Uh oh. Because I’m definitely supposed to be working in service of balance.
Remember San Francisco?
Me: Remember San Francisco? How the buildings are flexible instead of rigid so they can withstand earthquakes? That is balance.
Monster: (hangs head) Oh.
Me: Okay, so back to The Book. Assuming I’m in a state of balance that is informed by flexibility and flow … what if I start the book and then realize that another mission is actually a better use of my genius right now?
Monster: Where are you going with this?
Me: Well, maybe that wouldn’t count as “abandoning a dream”, would it?
Monster: I guess not. I hadn’t thought about it.
Me: So what if I stop treating the book like a dream that has the power to hurt me? And start treating it like a project mission that is related to stuff I’m passionate about?
Monster: I don’t know. That sounds really vague. And stupid.
The factory.
Me: Alright. What if we invited metaphor mouse to help come up with a better way to describe it?
Monster: (rolls eyes) As long as I don’t have to be there for that part, I don’t care.
Me: Right on.
Monster: Are we done? Can I go home now?
Me: Home? Where’s home?
Monster: The dream factory.
Me: You live in a dream factory?
Monster: The dream factory. What’s it to you?
Me: You know, usually I really dislike talking to you, but I think I’m kind of starting to like you.
Monster: You better not try to hug me or say namaste to me or something. You pull any of that hippie shit and this is our last conversation ever, sister.
Me: It’s cool. No hugging. I promise.
Monster: That was close.
Me: It so was not even slightly close but whatever, I’ll see you later.
Monster: Maybe.
Comment zen for today.
Talking to monsters is so hard. And challenging. And intimidating.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We’re here to support each other. And part of how we let people have their own experience is by not giving advice — unless someone specifically asks for it.
This is an incredibly personal thing I’m sharing here — not to be told what to do with it, but in the hope that someone else gets a glimpse of something useful. Love, as always, to all the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.
Follow
I think my “this hippie sh!t is a waste of time” Monster just high-fived your Book Monster.
Oh my GOODNESS your Book Monster is ADORABLE.
That is all.
(Also I am imagining her as gruff and stompy and fuzzy and with antennae and a Proper Monster, and she threatens to eat books to get you to behave but she could never ever follow through with it, not least because she has a Monster Decimal System and then she’d have to fill the spot with something that Didn’t Go There and… er. *cough*)
(♥)
.-= Chris Anthony´s last post … Case Study- Barb the Shoemaker =-.
I think this might be my most favourite monster post ever!
She lives in a dream factory! Wheeeee!
Some days, Havi, you just make everything all right for a minute.
(especially that last bit, which made me laugh out loud in a non-internet-LOL-ing, actual-laughing sort of way)
Your monsters are just so freaking cute, Havi. But don’t tell them I said so, they might sulk. 🙂
.-= Kirsty Hall´s last post … The Wisdom of Mistakes =-.
I so enjoy the monster posts. I love how your monsters have such a great knack for timing and subtle humor. Reading your conversations makes me think that one day I might even maybe talk to my own monsters, which couldn’t fail to be quite interesting, I’m sure. They are pretty well camouflaged, though (what? I’m not a monster, I’m *reality*), and I am not yet great at spotting them, but maybe if I arrange a summit and invite them they would come? Thank you for giving me so much to think about, Havi.
.-= Darcy´s last post … A day worth writing about =-.
hmm. I’m liking the balance vs stagnation thing. Not progressing on stuff so you don’t trash your dreams also sounds familiar. *reaches for Book Of Me (except it’s at home in the kitchen….and I’m not) *
Very cool and super helpful. But how do you create these conversations? Do you script them out in your head? Do you write them down? Even though you’ve shared several Monster conversations, it’s just occurred to me that I might write out a dialogue much as you’ve done so that each of my Monsters has its own voice.
Duh.
^^Thanks for your input Don’t Bother Sharing Because You Will Always Sound Stupid Monster.
PS. We’ve got to talk.
Lovely monster convo!
Mike the Goblin would like the Book Monster to know that he completely understands and agrees that it’s best not to either pursue dreams or abandon them. Frustrated longing is the only way to go. And he hates hugging too. (Not that you’d want to hug a goblin anyhow.)
It’s always the coolest when they go off in a completely different direction than you were expecting and you end up learning so much, isn’t it? I’m so grateful to you for teaching me how to talk to my goblins!
xxx
.-= Fi Bowman´s last post … Rastafairyan =-.
The “in between” is paralysis! That’s what’s been bugging me about my situation. Thank you for sharing the conversation and helping me to put words to my stuff. 😀
.-= Andi´s last post … Drawings Drawings Everywhere =-.
Havi, this is definitely my favorite monster conversation so far.
Lovely that you’re teaching your monster about the essence of balance, that wonderful quality of responding to constantly changing circumstances with minute shifts that look like stillness but aren’t.
And best of all, your monster gets it, even if s/he won’t permit hugs. Or namaste! 🙂
Is it okay with you if I kind of love your monster a little bit? In its monstery self, but also because I think I might now be able to talk to MY Book-and-actually-any-writing-at-all-so-stop-wasting-your-time Monster? I hope so!
I so love these posts. Havi, your courage is spectacular.
I love this.
I especially like what the Monster had to say about being kept from making progress and not abandoning the dream. It’s layers. The top layer is being kept from forward progress and the third layer is being kept from abandoning the dream. Both layers surround and protect the dream, which is the middle layer, so it’s safe and hidden. Because the biggest thing the monster is concerned with is losing the dream altogether.
This is a Dream Keeper Monster! If the dream doesn’t move forward, it’s safe. Moving forward might expose it to the danger of abandonment, which is the second layer. If it stays hidden between these layers then it won’t get lost or given up on because losing a dream, or giving up on one, is the worst possible fate for a dream to suffer.
Evidently the Dream Monster, even though he lives in the dream factory, isn’t aware that there are many dreams in the factory. And they’re shape shifters because they can change their form many times and thus, be born many times in many different ways. So they’re safe no matter what really.
Is there a Monster Supervisor at the Dream Factory that could help the monster with this? Perhaps this page got coffee, tea or wine spilled on it in his dream keeping manual so s/he didn’t see that part? Maybe this is a good time for a dream catcher…just a small one on a ring, or earrings or necklace or to hang near the place where you work with this dream? One of those pretty small ones, hung over the work area, spinning prettily might work. A nice brightly colored one with a shiny faceted jewel hanging from it to show the different forms a dream can take. It can help the Monster know that the dream is safely held in the webbing of the dream catcher. That would be neat to play with and what monster doesn’t like sparkly things and feathers?!
Lovely talk.
@Wulfie – interesting idea to have a dream catcher. I don’t know if this particular monster is into sparkly things but maybe we don’t have to tell it just yet. We can ease into the shifting at the factory …
@Sarah – oh, absolutely. I kind of love my monsters too, though more often when we’re actually in a dialogue, not so much when they’re just in sabotage mode. My wish is that with enough years of talking, they’ll find other ways to be on my side and I’ll be quicker to remember that they *are* on my side. That’s been my experience so far, but it could definitely get smoother. 🙂
@Fi – hi to Mike the Goblin! I remember when he was just a shapeless fear blob (but don’t tell him that)!
@Dawn – I don’t script these. I create a safe room for a conversation to happen in, invite mediators, and then I start asking questions.
Then I write down everything I ask and the responses.
For me it’s easier to deal with one monster at a time so they’re not all ganging up on me. But a lot of my clients and students like to just get all the conversations out at once.
You could also have someone sneak into the monster convention and just take dictation, so you can prepare responses for the next time you interact with them …
Lots of ways to do it. The main thing is that your safety is the hugest priority.
@everyone except my monster and people who don’t want – hugs
Thank you for this post. I am currently giving birth to my first book and the moment MY book monster got wind of the fact that we were close to the end, it roused and starting jumping up and down on my belly, creating all kinds of real, painful symptoms to distract me – just like it did last time – when I almost finished a book, and the time before that.
No advice, as you requested (esp. as Ive got none.) But thanks.
.-= Amy´s last post … Let yourself dance revise =-.
@Havi, thanks so much for the feedback! This almost feels above my head, so I’ll need to sit with it and come up with my own process. 🙂
.-= Dawn´s last post … All the Monsters Have Hearts =-.
What the heck are you doing, talking to MY book monster? Sounds exactly like the conversations that have been going on in my head, except there’s no chance of me trying to become “McNasty” on a poor little monster. (Does that involve flinging overcooked hamburgers? Stuffing fries up his nose?)
I’d like to point out that you’ve written way, way more than a book already — something I figured out when I did a word count on all of the incarnations of my blogs. I’m easily in Barbara Cartland territory, and closing in on Dean Koontz.
If you’d like, I’ll send my Book Monster up to PDX (economy class) to spend some time with your Book Monster. They could hug each other, go for long walks on the beach, and eat hummus while watching socially conscious movies about recycling.
.-= Dick Carlson´s last post … The Seven Habits Of Highly Annoying Clients — And How To Profit From Them =-.
Getting my mind blown into tiny smithereens just a little bit more today because your monster’s balance-that-is-really-stagnation is exactly my monster’s thing, too.
“Things that are in a state of flow can achieve balance, which they do by reacting and adapting to new input. Paralysis isn’t balance. It’s stasis. It’s stagnation.”
This quote makes my brain light up and sound like this: YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES.
I think I need to sit down with my own goblins and talk it out, all about why balance isn’t balance if it’s stasis and stagnation. And however much I want to throw tantrums or hide in a cave, flow-balance is the way to go.
.-= Jesse´s last post … persnicket- -Write-Spirit Welcome- Your bio line is inspiring me todayIm still figuring out how to balance motherhood with all my other selves =-.
Is this monster conversation part of the book? If not, it should be….profoundly innovative, magical, yet practical.
For some strange reason, I thought there was an illustration of a monster in the post…scrolled upward to find that it was in my head…hmmm.
Thanks for the fun trip Havi!
P.S. Interesting San Francisco trivia.
I *love* your definition of balance! That stagnation/status quo/paralysis thing didn’t feel right at all, and for me to be able to get it to move on I needed something to take its place – there it is! Thank you, this is very helpful!
Thank you, Havi. Balance & flow versus stagnation. Yes. So helpful to have a different angle for approaching this conundrum.
I love Talking-To-Monsters days!
But my Freakshow-Shadow-Monsters? They did NOT want me to read this. Seriously. I had to force my attention back here at least six times. Once, they actually managed to close the browser! And now that I finished reading, they are doing their best to keep me from thinking about it. One of them definitely just yelled out “LOOK! A butterfly!”
Lately, I wonder if the Freakshow is responsible for my stepping away from the spiritual communities where I used to play negotiator for others. I suspect they didn’t want me talking THEM out of their jobs.
Anyway, thank you for being so vulnerable. Again. You’re beautiful.
I just love your monsters.
Your monster is so funny, and *difficult*.
Monster: My job is to make sure you don’t abandon the important dreams. But also that you don’t make progress on them. That way at least we maintain the status quo.
This is my monster’s main theme, just gives me chills to read that. OMG MONSTERS!
Fabulous conversation! I especially love the “Whoa, where did that come from?” surprises that kept popping up.
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … The trouble with “middle vision” =-.
Wow. And here I thought that Havi was channeling MY monster, I read the comments and find out that I (and my monster) have large and distinguished company…
A monster that will not let us give up on our dreams, but not make progress, either, defending the status quo.
But, to quote Dr. Horrible, the status is not quo.
I think it’s time to go talk to my monsters, again.
Thanks Havi.
Oh, goodness, Havi. The Keeping-Dreams-Alive-While-Not-Allowing-Any-Progress-on-Said-Dreams thing … well, it’s *so* what my monster has been trying to do to me for the past six months. (And it even pertains to a book, the deadline for which is imminent.)
Except I’ve never even dreamed of looking at it that way. It’s like you just made the clouds part for me, or something. Just—wow.
I’m off to try to shift a little stagnation towards balance now. Thank you for the revelation!
Is it wrong to be entertained by your monster convos?
This actually made me laugh out loud.
It’s weird how monsters neither want you to progress nor abandon the dreams they prevent you from fulfilling.
My gremlins often do that which leaves one in a confused kerfuffle
The Book. I’m intrigued & excited for you…
.-= Nats´s last post … Pony-headed woman -amp the Warrior of Light- =-.
Monsters,… gotta love ’em. Mine offered me waffles today. I didn’t waffle. I am in a waffle free zone. 🙂
Hi Havi,
I love this monster discussion and your skill in finding its nuance. Insight-full. Thank you.
.-= Jim Greenwood´s last post … Peace =-.
Hmmm…That would explain it…this feeling of one foot on the gas and one on the brake. I think this just explained a Very Confusing Thing. Whew…lovely to know I am not nuts…it’s just a Monster! Off to discuss with said Monster…thank youuu!
This monster is so adorable, I almost want to take him home with me. But my monsters would probably object.
.-= Waverly´s last post … Lotus Moon =-.
Amazing!!!
It really strikes me how many of us posting in the comments here have monsters that say and do things that are rather similar.
I’m not sure what it means. But it’s interesting and catching my attention.
Thinking is required. IF my monsters don’t try to stop me anyway 😉
Andy
.-= Andy Dolph´s last post … Under the Sky in an Inflatable Planetarium =-.
Thank you so much for sharing this. SO MUCH.
It so happens that I have a book idea that I love. It’s my The Book. But I sort of don’t want to write it, I suspect for a lot of the same reasons that your monster doesn’t want you to write yours. You’ve given me a new perspective, and I’m grateful.
.-= Amber´s last post … Routine Chaos =-.
Love love love this post. Also made me laugh. THANKS
I can’t talk to my book monster. There is a time hog interfering and saying things like, “You don’t have time to talk to the book monster. There’s a fire to put out over there.”
So I go to put out the fire. I apparently need to work things out with the Hog, but when I do, I’ve got a great example to follow when talking to my monster. Life is so much different now that I am aware of them and that I can talk to them.
My favorite part:
“Me: I’m a yoga teacher, remember? So I know about this stuff. Balance is related to flow. Things that are in a state of flow can achieve balance, which they do by reacting and adapting to new input. Paralysis isn’t balance. It’s stasis. It’s stagnation.
Monster: What are you saying?
Me: You’re not helping me achieve balance. You’re keeping me from achieving balance.
Monster: Oh no! Are you sure?
Me: Yeah.
Monster: Uh oh. Because I’m definitely supposed to be working in service of balance.”
This is some absolutely amazing, totally compassionate and sovereign conversation kung fu! I love it.
And you amaze me, Havi!
.-= Melody Kiersz´s last post … 10 Reasons Why I Will Rock Your World and One Why I Won’t =-.
Balance = Flow NOT Balance = Perfect Opposition.
Two forms of balance for two completely different situations.
OMG – brilliant! Once again, I’ve been led to the post that Explains So Much of What Is In My Head Right Now.
Thank you for this. Esp. w/my current living situation, knowing of both kinds of balance will allow for EVER so much more progress. Yay! 😀
.-= Birdy Diamond´s last post … Writing Wednesday – Verbhounds Edition =-.
I’m writing a book.
I really needed this.
Thank you for sharing. -bookmarks-.
Love and hugs to all who want them.
.-= Rose´s last post … Personal Notes- Vulnerability in Space =-.
In the past two months I’ve had two conversations with my pain – I guess I’d call it “The Pain Monster.” I expected it to be physical pain only; I expected it to be mean and nasty. But I got all kinds of advice and encouragement and destuckification from talking to my pain. Which was great, even if it was absolutely terrifying. So now I’m going to start doing it regularly.
And probably try to read every single Monster post on your blog because it’s kind of awesome to know that other people do the same (er, similar) crazy things that I do and I can probably learn a lot from you.
Fairly new to your blog, and I absolutely lovelovelove it.