A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

THE ELK ON THE PATH

Ultimate

Driving down a dark and winding mountain road, I came around a bend and in front of me stood the elk.

I have seen elk before, but really only as a blur. They are massive, powerful creatures, and they move so fast that it’s almost as if you sense them more than see them.

Something flashes before you on the road, and you think, well that was a freebie. Alive.

Safe and well. The ultimate that-was-a-freebie.

Once

Once, standing in my kitchen, I heard a reverberation that reminded me of thunder, but also of an earthquake.

Turning to its source, I saw or perceived a blur of large motion as it whooshed past my front porch.

And then, turning my head back to the window, I recognized the majestic elk, disappearing into the forested hills, having vaulted over my gate like it was nothing at all. All grace and speed.

Blessed by a swift visitor. Later I read that they can jump up to eight feet in the air vertically. I believe that, though can’t imagine how they measure it.

This was the opposite of that. This elk was motionless. This elk was standing his ground.

Here is what I remember

Here is what I remember:

My foot on the brake, trying to slow to a stop before reaching the elk. The elk not moving.

A certain moment in which I understood, or maybe we both understood, that I was not going to be able to stop in time.

And the moment of realization that the elk was not going to move from the path.

That collision was inevitable. Nothing to be done but meet.

Receiving

And then we both just sort of received the slow collision.

You could say that we softened into collision.

I don’t really know how to describe the collision because I don’t remember anything about what it felt like.

The part that is clear in my mind is that I saw the elk fold to the ground like origami. Then it bounced right back up and vanished into the ravine, as if it had been a figment.

Lights, breath, action

My body seemed to be in working order, my car seemed to be functioning as well.

I did not feel brave enough to venture out to look at it, but the lights were still on and all systems were go, and so I drove home, aware of the many miracles.

The many miracles

There are easily a hundred different ways that an elk collision on a dark winding mountain road with sheer drops into a ravine could have either killed me or totaled the car, or both.

I am lucky to be alive. I am lucky to not be experiencing pain.

Similarly I am glad and relieved the elk seemed to move easily and lightly as it disappeared into the darkness.

And my car feels good to drive.

The next day I gathered all possible courage to take a look. The headlight casing is broken, some cosmetic damage, a lot of elk hair. One part will be expensive to replace, but I am lighting a candle to support my hope that my mechanic will give me only good news about everything else, amen.

Mr Carr’s thoughts on cars

The person who taught me how to drive was Mr Carr, which is an amusingly apt name for a Drivers Ed teacher.

He was a kind and thoughtful teacher, who noticed things, and would lend me books about topics he thought I would like (people living off-grid in New Hampshire, I think, is the one I remember most), and I was lucky then too.

I was an anxious driver, worried about everything. And Mr Carr pointed out, correctly, that you cannot possibly prepare for every scenario. And also that you can train for many of them.

You cannot, for example, do much, if a plane suddenly crash-lands on the freeway while you’re driving. Some things are beyond your control.

Some things, many things

Some things are out of your control. Many things, probably.

Other elements, like paying attention, gathering information, training yourself to react calmly, getting to know your instincts, can be trained for, or finessed, over time.

Attentiveness is a form of training. Breath is a form of training.

We trained for this

We trained for this. It is good and useful to train.

And also, shit happens.

More specifically, shit happens that really challenges all your training. So part of the training is knowing and remembering that you will get waylaid.

Path medicine

My friend Cate said:

Elk is the medicine of stamina. Pace yourself to maintain stamina.

So there is the medicine of stamina, there is the medicine of the path and what is in it, there is the medicine of [you cannot prepare for everything and also you can train for many things].

Naming the medicine

There is the medicine of surrender and receiving the collision.

There is the medicine of miracles. There is the medicine of shit happens.

There is the medicine of colliding. I am still learning about this.

Quiet

Things have felt very quiet since the collision.

I am sleeping again. And doing brave things, even though I don’t want to.

Some days I feel floaty and unfocused, like my nervous system can’t remember how to sequence things.

Other days I feel remarkably focused, as if all the noise has disappeared.

Either way, I am slow-moving these days, but moving slowly feels indicated, so I am going to trust that path.

Attuning to the truth of things

In the morning guided meditation I listen to sometimes, they say, you cannot control everything, you do not control everything.

I am trying to stay attuned to the truth of this, while I continue to train.

How can I react with grace to what is in front of me on the path? How can I be more compassionate with myself in moments or situations when I am questioning my reactions.

That’s also part of the training, and the medicine, apparently.

Fifteen minutes

I have been setting fifteen minute timers for Bravery Ops, reminding myself that fifteen minutes is a container of time to experiment.

When I don’t want to be brave, which is often, I look at these words that I wrote on a card:

Guess what, I am so fucking brave, and I only have to be this brave for fifteen minutes, and nothing scares me because I calmly experienced a collision with a massive elk who could have destroyed me and my car, but I emerged unscathed, and if I got that lucky, I can also be this brave right now.

And then it’s one step and another step. Sometimes renaming the steps so they don’t seem as daunting, sometimes doing alignment, sometimes breaking things down into even smaller steps.

Quests versus locations

I have been sitting with this incredible sentence from PJ Vogt, from the Search Engine podcast:

“The real questions that haunt me don’t tend to be resolvable; they aren’t quests you get to go on, they’re places you just have to live for a while.”

This is interesting to me because right now all my questions feel like quests. But what if they are locations, and I just need to spend time in them…

Considering, for example

My questions have to do with, for example…

I am considering what the elk who wouldn’t move from the path was trying to tell me, if anything.

Or what it tells me that I didn’t freak out and just kept my foot on brake and stayed the course and we just both received the collision. I could have swerved either way, but I did not, which is fortunate on a steep mountainside.

I am considering questions that have to do with trust and vibes and right timing.

Resetting

Since the collision, I have been sleeping much better and also not thinking about the mysteries of heartbreak, so I am trying to imagine or at least pretend that this elk collision was a sort of cosmic resetting that solves and resolves.

I have questions about this too. I have questions about what it means that I am so slow-moving these days, and if that is a good thing. I have questions about We Trained For This.

But also I think PJ is right, and I need to stop focusing on clues and quests, and receive the reality of this moment, hang out here for a while.

It’s either a cosmic resetting or it’s not, but either way, my next steps are the same.

But either way my next steps are the same

Yoga, meditation, journaling, snacks, deep self-treasuring, gentle recovery, go see my country mechanic who adores me, get hugs from the best chiropractor, get back in the saddle, let the elk medicine be absorbed.

Those are my next steps, yours may vary. Everyone is different and needs different things. I bet you have some good clues to follow.

It is interesting and comforting to me though to realize that I don’t need to adjust my next steps very much.

We do the things that help. Sometimes it gets sticky because the vibes aren’t right, or it feels like something is missing. Okay, into the wishing cauldron it goes. May a lovely, simple, elegant solution arise to this too.

A candle for this.

A candle for this

A candle for all the miracles that have been, a candle for miracles incoming. May we have many more opportunities to exhale, fill up on gratitude, and say, “Wow, that was a freebie”.

You are welcome to leave pebbles or light imaginary candles in the comments, and I will also gladly take all well-wishes! Also any clues you might have or fun theories you want to spin about the medicine or meaning of an elk encounter are welcome too.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️