Reflecting on both the hard and the good in the week that was…
This is week 433 of this ritual, and so we chicken.
What’s been working? What do I want to play with….
Fierce Determination — as salve, as quality, as battlecry.
And: one day at a time.
Breathing for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The people of the united states revealed true colors this week, not the most attractive ones, and now we all live with the consequences, in the best case for the next four years, and I refuse to consider other cases. Though, hey, we all refused to consider this, and now here we are. Breathing for any form of hopefulness, may it reveal itself.
- As @KenTremendous said: “America, in its collective wisdom, has elected a vain, violent, ignorant, sexist bully as our President. Not everyone who voted for Trump is a racist, or a misogynist. But they did vote *for* a racist and a misogynist.” Yes. That happened, right here, and it was (is) exhausting, depressing, awful. Breathing.
- Noticing my intense desire, as it goes in times of deep grief, for someone to blame. I mean, yes I know I could just be mad at racist, sexist, unbearably complacent white America, as well as the unexamined sexism of everyone who would have absolutely voted for HRC had she been a man. But instead I’m mad at Bernie bros, and everyone who voted third party, and Snowden for encouraging them to, and Comey for the worst possible timing, and every newspaper that was like oh lalala just trying to show both sides here instead of denouncing fascism and bigotry at every opportunity. Stirring stew here, and ready to stop. Ready to riot. Breathing for reclaiming power.
- Shaun King has been collecting reports of violence against minorities in the first days after the election, and it is absolutely horrifying, and oh, dark days are here sooner than expected, and we have a lot of work to do, you guys. Breathing fierce power for our work.
- Me: Man, today is seriously not fun. Agent Spalding: I’ve lost the ability to think clearly about reality. Me: Ditto. I just feel hungover and dizzy. Breathing for regaining the ability to think clearly, may it return soon.
- I am in a town of four thousand white people who are all in a suspiciously good mood, and I want to scream. Pickup trucks flying the American flag. People who are in no danger of being deported or worse saying things like “maybe now we can all just get along”. Smug old white dudes talking loudly about how Sonia Sotomayor doesn’t know the Constitution. Right. Fury and rage and sadness and so many feelings. Breathing for healing.
- And in case you were wondering what came of the mouse in motorhome situation, well, it turned into seven mice in the motorhome.
- The things that usually make me feel better (writing in the cafe, walking in the desert at sunset) have not been working at all. A breath.
- I don’t remember what else happened this week. So let’s breathe. Oh right. Clocks changed. It is dark and horrible and I hate it. Breathing for light.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Breathing for the good, reassuring, and magical!
- Relieved to be out in the wilderness under the stars where it is quiet and beautiful. Breathing appreciation.
- Sleeping in. Breathing thankfulness.
- Writing helps. The cowboy said, “Glad you’re writing to get through the ugly.” Yes, that is a good way of putting it. Breathing for finding our ways through the ugly.
- On the hard day, went to the movie theater because I needed to be somewhere else, and the only thing showing was the Middle School movie, which I kind of assumed would be terrible, but it was wonderful and I loved it and I cried through the whole thing, but I also really needed to cry, and I laughed a lot, out loud, because it was also very funny. Funny and sweet and sad and sweet, and also funny. HIGHLY RECOMMEND. A breath for unexpected sources of comfort, reassurance and grace.
- Dreaming up dreams with the cowboy. A breath for the many things that are possible.
- Thankful for the big outpouring of love and support for this online space. Looks like we can keep the lights on for the next three months, which is at least a start, even though I don’t know what happens after that. Glad for this. Breathing for magic.
- A super scary thing happened and I was so brave and took care of it, and I get a hundred billion trillion sparklepoints for taking care of me. Breathing.
- Agent Sloan said, on that first awful day, “There is only one day that is this day”, and she was right. Each day a little easier, because I am moving from grief into Fierce Determination and Fiery Grace, and we are going to use this awful situation as a catalyst for channelling our most badass superpowers so hard, we are going to act, because that is the only option. Breathing fierceness.
- Focused on what I want. Let’s do this. Breathing expansiveness.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of my imaginary dance crew, learning two new moves on the balance board, training for the olympics (proxy), dessert in the desert. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Superpowers.
Last week I asked for surprise perfect solutions that are so beautiful I clap my hands in delight. And I still want this. I also want to own Fierce Determination so fully and powerfully that it glows for miles.
May it be so.
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
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The hard:
– I think our countries missed our fascism jabs back in the thirties. Such awful stuff coming out now.
The good:
– there are red buses coming past my window at work, and winter sun
– the writing has suddenly kicked up a gear; this book’s going to happen; bits of it are pretty good already
– my brother is cycling the Camino de Santiago. Following his progress online and looking at landscapes I walked through a decade ago.
– the new job is great; it is pretty much impossible to think that I’m not making a difference, and OK, we can’t fix everything; in fact, there’s loads we can’t fix, but we’re doing what we can
What worked:
– medieval calendar. Winter started on the 1st, because obviously it did, look at the weather, and look, it’s only two weeks until Advent now, and that’s the new year.
– the bigger picture. Art, music, things that are in the present moment but which take time.
– weird apocalyptic shit at Morning Prayer. Dorothy L. Sayers. (Things have come to a pretty pass when the doctrine of original sin is a comfort, but there we go. I felt this way after the June referendum, too.) Very grateful to my past self for having read Creed or Chaos back when the world was stable, so that I have it in my mental toolkit now.
– staying off Twitter, posting good things via Instagram instead. I will not be responsible for spreading discontent.
Even though I’m all the way here in Australia, thankyou for expressing how I feel about Trumpocalypse. I didn’t expect this outcome at all and it’s devastating.
The Painfully Hard and Overwhelming:
~ in my focus on my mother, her husband, the funeral, and simply being in Survival Mode, I’ve let some serious things slip and there is Fallout
~ I am genuinely struggling to find things I enjoy (see also Survival Mode)
~ repeatedly, I am not getting my needs met, and I’m twisting myself inside out and it’s Still. Not. Working.
~ I am (shamefully) struggling with Despair and Overwhelm (oh, and Shame, clearly!)
~ the Changing of the Guard as friendships wilt under the pressure and others Step Forward unexpectedly
The Precious:
~ omgoodness, I swear I bang on about this, but I never cease to be amazed/delighted/blessed by the love of my colleagues–it’s weird and I question, but wow! I feel like they see my Skills and Gifts, AND they can hold my Fragility (even though I contain it at work–maybe that’s why they can hold it, when family can’t?)
~ my eyes glow brightly (how? why? nevermind, just enjoy)
~ my smile and laughter come easily and I see them engage others and that delights me
~ I’m genuinely loving my Acts of Kindness (despite the monsters’ derisive scorn)–even when I’m leaving an intense family gathering exhausted, to be able to stop, reverse my car wildly to a distressed looking woman, and then drive her home (and we have to go the long way, as we’re on a one-way street), Just. Feels. Good. It makes me hopeful, I like the Goodwill and Trust we share, even though obviously we potentially are each at risk. And even though I’m so exhausted, it’s like it makes a few of depleted little body cells spark up a little
~ watching/feeling/sensing my internal landscape shifting, and trusting that it’s Good and Right
(this all feels very self-centred but perhaps that’s just where I need to be right now)
All Hail those of us who seek Goodwill, Kindness, and Safety for ALL x
Oooooookay. Chicken. Hello, all.
Hard:
–I had, shall we say, a very hard time getting any sleep Tuesday night. Wednesday was surreal and challenging.
–Two of the people I love most in all the world are many miles away, at a time when I would especially like to hold and be held by them.
Good:
–Having people to share my feelings with.
–Finding ways to take care of myself.
–Doing simple things with great love. Also, doing things that my monsters insist ought to be simple but feel scary to me, with quiet courage *and* great love.
Fierce Determination is a glorious superpower. I would like some of that, along with Unexpected Glow.
* <3 *
Oh, Havi, I’m so glad you’re here on this blog. Stunned disoriented deep terrified grief to, yes, getting there to fierce determination, yes. Yes.
I had a dream about you this week, Do Mi! We were renting a house together for the summer and there was a whole room that was a library full of books! <3
Aww, that sounds perfect!!!
I just made a SoulCollage card for Fierce Determination. Thank you again for giving me that phrase right when I needed it.
COLLAGE Card! That is good healing magic. <3 <3 <3
Clucking in now with fierce love and gratitude.
The hard:
-Election Day was my birthday and I worked the polls in a very Republican area and was relentlessly misgendered so what would have just been a long day turned into a long miserable oppressive day. Breathing.
-Fatigue, so much fatigue and so little sleep. Breathing for rest.
-I have been carrying so many of my emotions in my body and this week my body had enough. Breathing compassion for this physical self.
-I still live at home with my parents who don’t get me; they don’t get me; especially my father. Breathing for grief.
-Just found out that a former friend/roommate of mine is a supporter of that guy and it’s distressing me more than I anticipated. Breathing.
-I have been so in myself that I haven’t been here for others and I feel guilty about that. A breath for monster narratives.
The good:
-My friend organized Free Compliment Day on Facebook and my news feed was full of people saying kind things to each other. A breath for kindness.
-This week has been so like the week after 9/11/2001. I’m in NYC and I remember. The first day was shock and silence and then people came together and I’m in awe now as I was then of the strength of our communities. Breathing for that.
-It’s my birthday week and people are being nice to me 🙂
-A new friend invited me to go dancing and it has been an incredible night. A breath for bodies in motion.
-I just had a tarot reading from a lovely queer human & it was so on point. A breath for insight.
-So much empathy and planning and consideration of next steps. People in my circles are wonderful.
-There are good movies out there and I watched one yesterday.
Love to all in these dark days. This too is a community I’m in awe of.
*loving energy*
<3 <3 <3 for all this and especially election day.
Trying hard to find happiness in the everyday, in watching my children continue to be children, even as internally I am numb and worried about the world they will inherit.
There must be strands of hope out there. Right now it just feels dark and empty and cold.
Maybe by the time my birthday rolls around (on Thanksgiving Day this year) I can be happy to gorge myself.
Trying to remember what it’s like to feel light, to radiate light, to harness light into creative action. One day it will come. One day. Not today.
I took Spouse with me last night to see Arrival, and it opened my heart and spirit in ways I needed. Today, a long walk in the woods, near rainwater running nearby, and I found clarity.
Part of what I realized is that despair is a flavor note, a paint color, a thread, that I’ve always had in my life (depression, anxiety, terrible life circumstances). And I’ve always been trying to eliminate it. Today I felt a new truth. Despair is part of my life, but it’s not most of my life. Yet, having it, dealing with it, (not hating it, not pushing it away, not repressing it) means that… I *know* it. I’m not overwhelmed by it. It’s one flavor note among many. (I am a whole meal, a mural, a tapestry.) And despair, yes, adds piquancy: I taste everything more clearly when despair is part of the mix. It’s the secret ingredient.
Writing has improved my life immeasurably.
Thank you for this about despair!
Just when I could hear it!
<3