This is week 430 of this ritual, and so we chicken.
What’s been working? What do I want to play with….
Applying legitimacy (oh hey yeah this thing that is hard for me is actually hard), going on clue walks, three minute dance party.
Also TURNING OFF MY PHONE and then taking notes about how that goes. For example, if I know I check my phone 752 times in three hours, and in that entire time literally only one person texted, with the least interesting intel in the world, that is useful to know. Ta da! I just saved myself hundreds of tiny disappointments, the not-fun compulsiveness of pellet-pushing, and gave myself the gift of clear head space.
Breathing for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- I’m stranded at LAX right now because I missed my flight to Phoenix, on standby for a flight that leaves in three hours. Haven’t had a full night of sleep in two and a half weeks, and can barely walk a straight line. Breathing for what if this somehow turns out to be lucky.
- Pretty much everyone in my life was AWOL this week. Craving companionship and closeness and not knowing where to find it. I mean, I do know — it comes from connecting to myself, to Source, to life, to love, to wise incoming me. But in the practical sense of wanting people to play with. Long nights feeling lonely, confused, and Prone To Monsters (fake band of the week, it’s just one guy!) Wanting more people to talk to about yeses and passion and the stuff of aliveness and life. Breathing trust. May I remember that I always have Wise Me and Diana Rigg, they always want to hang out with me.
- Extreme lack of sleep. Each night something different — marauding Coyote Karaoke Hour (also a fake band), the person throwing weights on the floor, raccoons on roof, loud bleating electrical surge noises, and so on. Apparently being awake each night from 2am-5am is just my thing right now. Tired. Very tired. Breathing gratitude for useful intel about what supports rest.
- Missing dance and movement and training. Breathing even more trust..
- Still being visited on and off by powerful waves of hurt and anger related to information I learned a few weeks ago. Sometimes I can channel Diana Rigg (the calm cool collected Avenger) instead of my furious avenging self who wants to rain destruction, and sometimes I just have to let this run its course, trusting that all pain is legitimate, my process is legitimate, and one day it’s not going to hurt like this. Breathing.
- So much about Los Angeles is not good for me, like the air which hurts my lungs, throat and eyes. Like not feeling close to the moon, and drivers who are unaware of pedestrians, and the current extreme heat wave which is I experience as somewhere between boring and oppressive, and being surrounded by workaholics. Breathing patience: this adventure is treasure, and I am learning.
- People in my life who are jerky jerkfaces and/or lack communication skills (yes, okay, me too right now) and can’t say what they want, and I am realizing that if I want other people to treat me with more respect, I need to believe it is okay to expect better. This is actually true in many areas of my life, so at least it is an interesting theme. Breathing an invitation for new people with new skills, or for the current people to catch up. Breathing trust.
- It was 97 degrees this week (36 degrees celsius). Missing fog and mist and drizzle and coziness. Breathing.
- The Everything Is Hopeless Why Even Bother monsters were in full force this week, which made it difficult to receive an important piece of information. Breathing peacefulness.
- I’ve been working my ass off trying to come up with creative solutions to the museum crisis, finally found one, then realized it isn’t going to work. Breathing for the next solution, may it reveal itself soon.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Breathing for the good, reassuring, and magical!
- LA RALLY! A week of solo rally and a beautiful day of shared Rally with four favorite secret agents from the Playground. Wild Clarity. Getting so much done! Even on th most stuck projects. Breathing for treasure, and for companionship.
- A much-needed smackdown from wise incoming me on the topic of No, You Really Do Deserve Better and You Need To Get Clear About This and Stop Putting Up With These Astounding Levels of Crappiness. Breathing thank you for truth-love and much-needed perspective.
- Best night ever out at La Cuevita with amazing DJ, fun new friends, playfulness, creative sparks, big joy. Breathing thank you.
- The three hour nap the other day that is the only reason I am still hanging in there. Breathing rest.
- Reorganized everything on my computer. Typed up all my notes. Understood how everything fits together and gave it all new names. Feeling inspired and, for the first time in many months, hopeful about the mission. Breathing for this.
- First glimpse of redesign for website and business (to be unveiled shortly, and also an experiment to see if there is something I can do other than burning everything down, a different kind of bonfire maybe). Excitement and sparks and, again, hope. Breath.
- Agent Ravenstar and I parked at the corner of Hope and Hope! Clues everywhere. Breathing hope.
- Finally came to resolution and understanding with something that was causing me great distress, and with someone far away that I love. Breathing appreciation and joy.
- It was so hot out that I ended up wearing my favorite scarf as a top, and every day someone asked me where I came by this gorgeous outfit. This worked really well with my current proxy mission of I am an avant garde fashion designer. Breathing playfulness.
- I was wrong about something, and I am glad. Breathing and remembering that very often my assumptions are completely off base.
- Stone skipping for days. Breathing creative power.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of clues everywhere, loving friends, the best secret agent to hide out with, ice cream, smiles. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Superpowers.
Last time I asked for the superpower of Speedy Recognition, and it led to big understanding.
Now asking for extreme levels of believing that something that looks like bad news (missing my flight?) is actually What Unexpected Good Fortune. I would especially like to remember this when I get lost in shame-blame and self-judgment about how I’m probably the one who screwed everything up.
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
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This week, I had the superpower of Patient Perseverance, which served me well in some tight spots, but enough already; in the week to come I want the superpower of INSTANT RECESS! I am ready to play, damnit.
What’s been working? Writing. So much writing. I intend to keep right on going.
Here I am, lighting my candle and setting out the tea things. It feels good to be Chickening with you. * <3 *
This made me grin; hear hear to Instant Recess! (or as in my mind, “instant gratification”! *grins*)
Hello and cluck!
what worked this week: Not sitting on the couch, I should do that more. Asking for help. Chunking things out. Remembering to think abotu my partner, and not invest in Narratives.
the sucks:
-getting lost on the way to Red tent
-getting to red tent and it was a LOT of chitchat about Herr Drumpf. i do not feel empopwered to redirect the event, but we have lately suffered a great deal of [loss of center and circumference] is we’ere talking about the election.
-my daughter came home from something pretty wonderful and her sister essentially pissed all over it, out of boredom and spite. seethe
-i did a lot of wonderful things, BUT here we are 5pm sunday, and when does the art happen? yet? later? how about now? why is desk so messy? UGH
-this fucking woman-hating culture. see also: everything on tv
the sparkle is much:
-Op Bianca–massive progress, including the acquisition of 2 [hard targets]
-Op Lotus –answers. Hogwarts is of great help with this
-the Work–revealing itself
-health–another clean biopsy
-marriage – we have ups and downs but right now, the husband and i are working in concert a LOT and not in oppostion, we are doing okay, there is closeness and gentleness, and i am very grttaful
-Disaster Narrowly averted. Thanks so much to invisble allies, the only explanation.
-Nothing is wrong, so much is GOOD. ANd I know what Next Steps are. That is the superpower i keep coming back to.
This week I had the superpower of Speaking To The Right Person And Saying The Right Things and it really worked like a superpower because something that I have been working on since mid-August is finally happening.
A bad thing keeps happening to MrB and it has bad consequences, and I hate all of it. A bad thing that should never have happened did happen to MrB and now similar bad things have been happening. If people would just do their jobs —! Then I wouldn’t have to and these things would stop happening. I try telling myself that nothing is wrong but I don’t believe it.
Message from the universe: the truism that you can’t pour from an empty cup, was reinforced by my pastor who conducted an activity to illustrate that very point.
Message to the universe: show me how gangrene is a good thing.
Oh, yuck, to the gangrene and at people not doing their jobs. Hearts and hugs and hoping that the infections/aggravations clear out and your cup is allowed both refilling and resting time.
Ugh to not enough sleep. Yay to scarf as shirt! May the balance and bounty bound in and abound.
What’s been working? Napping. Reading old Christine Kane messages.
What do I want to play with? Being truly present and alive for this weekend’s decorating and dancing. Glowing even when there aren’t glowsticks in hand.
Hard, challenging, mysterious…
* Lung crud.
* Plants in the same row: some thriving, some shriveling.
* Simultaneous relief and grief about a situation.
* People sniping or lashing out at me because they are encased in Their Stuff.
* Glares and complaints when I stumble — but little assistance with getting things done.
* Am I being pound-wise or pound-foolish when thinking y/n to the workshop or the gym membership?
* Itchiness.
* It does not matter whether the person is a boy or a girl. Jesus.
Good, reassuring, magical…
* Being able to stay offline throughout Shabbat, and that being absolutely what I needed.
* Seeing stars in the sky when draping strings of peppers over a conveniently bare curtain rod.
* Cubs won! And rejoicing in that with old friends.
* Having the experience to recognize unsovereign shit for what it is. Doesn’t mean it isn’t a vampiric drag, but I’m getting better at rebalancing and refocusing.
* Conversations with neighbors.
* Cards ready to mail.
* My stack of cards and letters from Rae. Celebrations of color and other pleasures.
* As torn as I am about whether the workshop + gym are yeses or noes, the facts are that deciding in any direction will almost certainly result in something I want. I am delighted about realizing this.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Corner of Hope and Hope!!!
May I not ramble, and may I keep it under 500 (okay, 5000?) words, BUT…
The Insanely Hard
~ Power (and for those of us on tank water, water also) outage from lunchtime Sunday 9Oct to dinnertime Thursday 13Oct2016
~ Although it *seems* like a first world problem, it actually ended up triggering me severely—I was so cold for so long, that by the third day, I felt severely neglected and unloved and started tripping out quite badly
~ I don’t even know how to tell this part, but my mother was diagnosed with cancer mid-June… and is now dead, as of last week. It’s been a whirlwind (a tornado?) and I feel like I was on one rollercoaster when she was dying, and then promptly got off that and onto another rollercoaster when she died. I can’t think straight—hell, I can’t *feel* straight. I function on a high level to organise the funeral and support my family, and then I fall apart, get so messy I can’t see straight, fuck up relationships because I’m beside myself… and then I pull it together until I fall off again. Trying so very badly to be kind and gentle with myself, to allow myself this crazy journey rather than add judgements and self-criticism to the mix…
~ and of course, in my Hardest Moments, I return to old, unhealthy habits which harm me
~ people who make assumptions about my relationship with my mother, and thus about my loss—this stings deeply, even whilst I recognise tis well-intentioned (Havi, you spoke of Invisible Pain, and not only does this resonate consistently throughout my life but tis so highlighted now; the loss of my mother is acknowledged, yet the pain of a complex history of course is not—you also spoke of the anniversary whilst attending another funeral in a WUSIT situation, and omgosh I don’t know how you did it—a breath for you)
~ being told to “let it go” when I couldn’t find the right word for her death notice—the funeral parlour suggested “loving” (she wasn’t), “kind” (she wasn’t), “adoring” (seriously?), and “protective” (err, no)–I was so desperate to both honour her AND my experience that this one word became crushingly important
~ running on adrenaline (hi, Old Habit), then crashing and getting sick (sweet body, I’m so sorry)
The Crazy Good
~ fortunately I went to the home of [someone who loves me] and with warmth, coffee, and care for a few hours, I was able to stabilise and realise that I was in fact triggered, not *actually* unloved
~ despite a horridly tumultuous relationship with my mother over my lifespan, the last four months have been The. Most. Crazy. Beautiful. Gift. Ever. This includes climbing into bed with my mother many times as she was dying—at first, I was so careful to ask her in a way that gave her choice without pressuring (which is kind of dumb really, as my mother is the Queen of Blunt and will say exactly what she wants and doesn’t want!), “Mum, would like me to hop into bed with you, or would you like me to pull my chair closer?” And her answer was not only bed, but she would pat the (damn narrow!) space next to her and say, “Always bed,” so that as she lost lucidity and responsiveness, I could still at least say to her, “Mum, I’m going to climb into bed with you, so it’s going to wriggle a bit as I get in,” and know with certainty that it would be her wishes. The second last night, I slept with her the whole night, with the palliative care team supporting it thoroughly *tears up* So fucking hard, yet such a gift.
~ daily contact with my mother as we worked out bits and pieces that needed attending before her death, and just working really well together; she valued my skills, who I am, and how I am, something I’d never experienced from her before—she’d even have hour long phone conversations with me on some days, something *completely* unheard of from this pragmatic, stoic, straight-to-the-point woman *smiles*
~ Having her tell me during one of these crazy long conversations that, “Things happened to you under my guardianship that shouldn’t have”—this from a woman who never says sorry, who never acknowledges wrongdoing, and certainly never acknowledged my childhood. This was a gift worth gold.
~ despite my forays into Old Unhealthy Habits, returning always to that which Nurtures me
~ solar fairy lights that flick on at dusk, reminding me there is Magic everywhere, unexpectedly—thankyou Me who set them up to create daily pieces of Delight
~ people who don’t make assumptions, who offer unconditional support without assuming what it’s like. People who know it’s Hard.
Sending fairy light energy to all who delight in it, and gently breathing as I try to still my little heart.
Dear Magic, I’m so sorry for your loss.
I hope that life will offer you much needed space to step away from the roller-coaster and take care of yourself in all the ways you need to, and plenty of moments of Delight every single day.
<3
Beautiful Nela, thankyou x
Magic, your experience reminds me of some of mine when my mother died. Heartfelt sympathy, commiseration, and admiration.
Thankyou Mechaieh
Hugs and heart for you. And light and warmth and a string through the fog, if you need any of these things.
Beautiful, thankyou Questing Lee. How perfect is a string through the fog?!
Hello, chicken.
The hard:
– I’ve been in constant red alert mode since my vacation in August, and this continues on for another 2 weeks *at least*. After that I start teaching part-time again, so any possibility of a sabbatical to recharge and replenish goes down the drain.
– Arguments with people about silly non-issues because we’re all tired and high-strung which took energy that I don’t have.
– This has been going on for weeks now: somebody was supposed to do something, they weren’t aware they were supposed to do it (and didn’t think of asking a logical question, and others assumed they knew this), and then issues arose, and people expected me to solve it. I was caught between not wanting to blame people, but also not being physically able to take on even more work, gaaah. People were legitimately disappointed, and I can’t take care of everyone.
– Work-related disappointment that came about completely unexpected. I tell myself that it’s for the better, and that it must be just making space for even better opportunities, but it still stings and I wonder if it’s somehow my fault.
– Money worries.
– Because of the red alert, I’ve completely lost touch with the larger picture of what I want to do and how, and I really, really need some time to just think.
The good:
– I’ve announced my decision to resign to my organization, and they took it pretty well. Things have already started to reconfigure without me, although I’m sure I’ll still get requests to do this and that, but at least I have set expectations that I will not be around and saying “no” will be easier.
– Processing of all the grief and disappointment (so much disappointment!) the night before the meeting was very helpful, and I went in it calm and not holding any grudges.
– Hopeful about Creative Clarity Retreat, although it won’t happen this December as I hoped, but I know what needed to change to make it possible next year, and I’ve made the change.
– Resting for the weekend. My original plan was to work because [red alert], but this was way better.
– Spending almost an entire day alone with D, for the first time since our romantic weekend 3 weeks ago. I’ve missed that.
Superpowers I’ve had: extreme levels of Not My Circus
Superpowers I want: Stellar Self-care, Eyes On The Shining Beacon
Ugh@red alert–Hard.
And I LOVE your superpowers of Not My Circus! That is one of my favourite sayings, and understood it to be Polish so even more thrilled that you use it *grins*
Ola Chickeners! Not Enough Sleep has been my daily (nightly) reality since I moved into this noisy house so I am sending you love and recuperative-vibes for this.
This week was hard! But some of it was good! I was so very thankful when Friday came, I sat and did eight breaths for the Hard, eight for the Good, and it meant a lot to think of all of you I knew would be Chickening as well, either at that moment or later.
Lots of thanks for this supportive space. I can’t tell you how much it helped to remember Now is Not Then this week! Sx
This week I had the superpower of Even Painful Epiphanies Lead to Yes and the related superpower of I Know Who My People Are.
There was a lot a lot of hard this week. Realising that most of my body pain is sublimated emotional pain and setting up ways to release it has been the big Op.
A lot of moving parts are bringing up a lot of monsters but also a lot of hope, which is a fun tightrope to walk.
I am an Acrobat of Emotion! Let that be a superpower too!
Super well-timed RETREAT coming up this week, so thank you Past Me for knowing so well just when I’d need this. And thank you to Incoming Me by whom I feel so held.
<3 to all.
Acrobat of Emotion! (and I didn’t even know I’d (re)joined the circus!)
Hello chicken, hello chickeneers!
The hard:
– ugh, autumn. There is still a week to go until the clocks go back, and mornings have been getting harder and harder.
– that unhelpful interaction between physical gunk and mental gunk, where I’m not quite sure which is in play or how to deal with either of them
– when will I learn to let myself stop?
– I have landed myself with a project on learning how to live by love and not by guilt and I have no idea about love
– very clumsy at the moment, probably because I’m tired
The good:
– signs that I may perhaps not be a robot after all
– two cormorants sitting in a tree
– I like Liverpool
– nail varnish called ‘Queen of Hearts’. The Queen of Hearts seems to be Incoming Me, or at least the one who knows about this love lark.
What worked:
– spending most of a day in bed
Cluck cluck cluck chicken out