Reflecting on both the hard and the good in the week that was…
Hello, week: we are here.
Thank you, week. Thank you, space to reflect.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
This is week 429 of this ritual, and so we chicken.
Or check-in, if you prefer to enunciate.
If you feel drawn to comment on aspects of my week, I will take love, hearts, breaths, pebbles — I do not need advice or cheering up, though presence and sweetness are always welcome
What’s been working? What do I want to play with….
Saying THANK YOU to my no for being my no.
Thank you, objects, situations, choices and circumstances that are not 120% yes. Thank you for showing me what not-yes looks like.
Thank you, sweater that is almost right but not. Thank you, cafe for being is a little too noisy and prompting me to leave. Thank you, people I do not wish to dance with again.
Breathing for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Oh, man. This week. It’s Thursday but I’m calling it. Actually this week was so hard I was ready to just call it by Monday morning, just give up, have a good cry and write the world’s longest Friday Chicken of woe, all before the week even really started. Breathing patience, compassion, receptivity to the superpower of Hey Things Suddenly Get Better!
- Abrupt unanticipated drastic change of plans (by the way I’m in Los Angeles instead of Idaho) with only a few hours to process. The change of plans was actually a good thing, but it asked me to access resources of adaptability and agility that I just did not have in me at the moment, due primarily to extreme zombie-exhaustion. Breathing trust: look, everything is working out beautifully and in my favor, even if it is unexpected and temporarily uncomfortable.
- Actually, many forms of Adjusting Expectations. That was a thing this week. Breathing presence.
- Four nights with minimal or no sleep, culminating in a night of four hours in bed with no fewer than nine interruptions of sleep. I also learned that my personal definition of considerate roommate behavior is not universal. Breathing for rest and recuperation, and glowingly healthy boundaries, may I get better at setting expectations in advance.
- I am a highly sensitive clairaudient empath, so being in a room full of three hundred highly ambitious dancers who have just watched the pros perform, lost in insecurity fog running their internal mantras in the key of “I’m Not Good Enough”…it’s extremely overwhelming. Remember that episode of Buffy where she hears everyone’s thoughts and they are awful? That’s what it was like, and all my filters that usually protect me got overloaded and I experienced the total state of panic and anxiety brought on by feeling everything at once. Breathing love for being me, it is not always very fun but that is who I am.
- People around me had trouble with my state of falling apart, even though I actually think I handled it quite gracefully, taking care of myself and making a speedy recovery, considering the severity of the situation. Breathing. I don’t know why people don’t have the self-fluency skills to recognize that someone else being in pain is not about them or any of their concern (oh right, it’s because of the rigged game), but it is seriously exhausting to have to deal with people who go into their stuff about you having a moment of being in your stuff, and I have zero patience to do any caretaking for that. May there be good healing for this, and for the rigged culture that dismisses any pain that isn’t visible. I have lots more to say about that but saving it for later, because otherwise this will be a five thousand word chicken.
- Being around couples, and various toxic things related to that, gender role bullshit and unexamined assumptions, like going from clean mountain air to a polluted city and not wanting to breathe that in or even be around it. Breathing for clean air, an environment that reflects how I want to live.
- Being around other forms of toxicity like fatphobia and slut-shaming and “oh I only want one tiny bite of cake” and all the broader culture things that do not live in the culture of me, but suddenly being exposed to all of that, and watching how it slowly begins to become normal and not as noticeable, and I do not ever want this to be my normal. Breathing my power.
- The angry avenging-avenger is still with me with her doubt and fury, she comes and goes, but oh these overwhelming moments of fire-breathing and wanting to destroy everything. Breathing presence and grace for our transition to Diana Rigg’s glamorous Avenger who is cool and collected, and can set boundaries without destroying everything in sight.
- The plan that changed from ten hour drive with friends to three straight days of driving plus a funeral on the anniversary of my mother’s funeral. Breathing gratitude in the form of “thank you, plan, for being so completely crappy that you are obviously redirecting me to do something else”, may I get better at paying attention to my yes.
- The anniversary of my mother’s funeral. Bleak. Breathing.
- Sadness about the museum and how much I love it and also What Unsovereign Shit Is This if I pay for it to continue to exist instead of it paying me to curate the exhibits, that is no way to live and not something I can agree to model in the world. Breathing clarity.
- That is not even close to all the things but that is enough things because I don’t want to name any more. Breathing for this too.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Breathing for the good, reassuring, and magical!
- Seriously it was marvelous treasure that my plan for the week became increasingly more unappealing, because once the penny finally dropped and I realized I was being Redirected, my heart felt so light. Speediest transition ever from Holy God Why Does Everything Suck So Hard to being at ease with life. Aka Oh This Is A Miracle I Am Being Handed A Free Pass To Not Do Any Of The Crappy Things, No Wonder Everything Was Getting Increasingly Awful, I’m Being Redirected! Breathing for treasure.
- Speaking of pennies that take a long time to drop, this is a theme right now: something looks like a Series of Unfortunate Events when actually it’s more like, things are finally so bad that I have no choice but change course, which is a good thing, I suspect this is also the case with the museum, because that really does explain the increasingly ridiculous issues we’ve been having. Breathing for seeing the good.
- Clues everywhere, dragonflies everywhere I turn, we even parked on a street called Hope just when I was feeling completely hopeless. Breathing appreciation: I see you, sparks.
- My marvelous friend Agent Ravenstar who was like, oh OF COURSE you are coming to LA and staying with me for two weeks and we will have adventures. And then I didn’t need to solve any logistics at all, which is fortunate because I hadn’t slept in forever. Breathing thankfulness and delight.
- In fact, my wish this week was for Delicious Space and here I am in her gorgeous apartment which seems positively palatial to someone whose frame of reference is “motorhome” or “crowded hotel room”. I have my own room and beautiful bath and it is full of books (the room, not the bath), and rainbows everywhere, and it is absolutely the very definition of Delicious Space. Whereas spending three days squished up in a car, and visiting Salt Lake City (not my favorite place, understatement of understatements) and attending a funeral on the day when I’m already torn up about losing my mom, and not being able to get any work done all week, that would not have been delicious space for me. My wish came true, and if it required a massive amount of Redirection, I am okay with that. Breathing peacefulness and joy.
- Cooking! There is a kitchen here and I get to do all the cooking! Inventing delicious nourishing magical meals with quality ingredients and having someone to cook for who appreciates it, this is a dream. Feeling so much delight about this. Breathing happiness.
- Massive progress on projects and secret ops despite fatigue. Finished two rounds of editing the next YEARbook ebook, wrote bits of the next two, and came up with all kinds of fun creative solutions for various unsolved mysteries. Breathing creative power.
- Found the most marvelous clue while editing, I hadn’t remembered that I wrote this but it was so perfect: “She doesn’t try to problem-solve but instead acts through REMOVING incongruencies wherever they arise.” Yes. That is so wise. Let us do that. Breathing .
- Love is treasure. Deep intense closeness and sharing with the faraway cowboy, big honesty, big clarity, big sweetness, and a heart of love. Breathing love.
- The night I slept for ten hours and woke up significantly more functional! Breathing grace.
- Inventing/discovering the best proxies and having wild epiphanies as a result. Breathing for joy sparks.
- Dance convention was beautiful. I had some fear of a repeat of the last one when a crisis of confidence (and of everything) had me hiding and crying in the hotel room, but this time I was ready to bring the party. Dancing until 6am, magical moments, creative self-expression, pulled off a new move and nailed it the very first time, happiness! Breathing for connection, intensity, seeing favorite people, being a panther, the moment when the total stranger you are dancing with beams at you because they are so overjoyed to be sharing this moment with you.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of the most wonderful hidden spice shop, finding the perfect code name for doing laundry, the best mug, dancing in the kitchen, dancing everywhere, eye-flirting all over LA, silliness, play. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Superpowers.
Last time I asked for the superpower of completely at ease being myself, because that’s the only job I want. And the advanced version of this, the superpower of I AM A STAR. Got it and working on it. More of that please.
And I want the superpower of Speedy Recognition, for example, when I am being Redirected, or when something that does not look/sound like love actually is, or when I really just need to go to bed. Maybe this is related to the power of knowing/trusting when is the right time to burn it down and when is the right time to rebuild.
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
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Hi, chicken! Thanks for being here to keep me company while I’m having trouble sleeping.
Hard stuff:
–Having trouble sleeping. It’s been happening a lot this week. This is especially frustrating because I really want to take care of myself with early morning writing, and instead I end up taking care of myself with early morning sleeping. At least I’m taking care of myself, which is the main thing.
–Another week of waiting for The Thing, not knowing when it will happen, thus finding it very difficult to make plans for the not-too-distant future.
–I slipped and fell on a patch of wet floor, which might have been merely embarrassing except that I also slammed the side of my face into a wooden door frame. This left me with pain and swelling and a feeling of wobbliness. I wanted to stop working for the rest of the day, but at the same time I didn’t want to, so I just kept working while feeling wobbly.
Good stuff:
–My daughter is home for fall break, and we are basking in togetherness and cuddling and music and play and laughter and deep mutual appreciation.
–I have been writing and thinking my way into some very satisfying epiphanies!
–I love the feeling of slipping into a loose cotton robe after a long shower.
–I am grateful to myself for prioritizing beauty, by which I mean multisensory aesthetic pleasure and joy, in the everyday elements of my life. My wallet, my cup, my pens, my towel, and the list goes on — I have chosen these items to increase my happiness, and I love the permission I give myself for this, for all these visible, tactile reminders of treasuring myself!
(So, yeah, that last item — I’d say *that’s* what’s been working. Next week, I want to continue applying that approach to my inner Delicious Space, to make it even richer and to help me remember its presence.)
*lighting candles*
I am so happy you landed in Delicious Space! Breathing love for 10 hours (whut!) of Good Sleep, and all the treasure that unlocks.
Hello, Chickens.
Hard this week:
– Disturbed sleep – not the worst sleep ever, but just not good. Waking up feeling not rested. Walking through days feeling “off” and not quite in my body, or in my body but not quite balanced or centered.
– Chronic pain. It sucks.
– Mental fog. Brought on partly by insufficient sleep, and also partly by fear of the next steps. Breathing for the unhelpful internalized voices who want me to do MORE and FASTER and THIS WAY NOT THAT WAY, and also breathing for the small scared me whose default coping response is just to hide and do nothing.
Good this week:
– Finally a good night’s sleep, hooray!
– Back in a morning yoga groove, which eases pain, eases my mind, and generally makes everything better for me.
– Supportive champions on my team. A gentle chiropractor, a sweet and encouraging trainer, both of them super knowledgeable and able to really, really help me with specific issues. Plus they are just wonderful human beings, who feel good to be around.
– Delicious Space. My home is filled with color, comfort, books, art, rainbows, tons of light, and trees outside. It really is beautiful, and I am deeply grateful Every Single Day for the magical set of circumstances which enabled me to create this space. The twists and turns of life can be challenging and scary, AND sometimes there really is a “pot of gold” at the end of the rainbow. And more rainbows!!!
– A Star has fallen into my Delicious Space, and she is magical. I am nourished by her (fabulous!) cooking, creatively/energetically sparked by her radiant presence, and just really, really happy to have a dear friend with me.
– Beginning to feel glimmers of what I wished for earlier this week: to surrender, to not try so hard, to just let answers reveal themselves. I will expand on that wish (because who says we can’t Wish On a Chicken?! haha) to add “and feel good about this, feel at ease, and trust-full.” May it be so.
<3
Yeah! Wishing on a Chicken! <3
Happy Friday and cluck!
I have lost so many threads lately, started up capers and dropped them, all of which is about ‘the pieces are not fractaling.’ This has gotten me to turn my attention back to fractaling and also to spoon-management.
What worked lately: Going to bed when Aaron does. Choosing rest and play. Time limits on chores, a valuable inquiry (it only takes 7 minutes to unload the dishwasher, but it can be radically more time to refill it. Therefore, imposing “ten minutes on chores” makes sure things happen, and I am not depleted).
the sucks:
-the Treadmill, or more accurately, the Hamster Wheel
-losing the sequin thread. I was working every night on my mnoves, my choreo, my costumes…kids come back to town, bam, all of that is shut down. I have not practiced my routines in weeks
-and I’m watching all the Halloween shows advertise, and I am not in any of those casts
-because exhausted. all the time. we are not at Dee, Pleated levels yet, but I am chronically under-sleeped, and low energy
-putting non-existent spoons into a project and got STOOD UP. grr
-oy the money. my credit cards are ramped up and altho I am paying them down, more expenses come right behind.
-I got those side hustle blues. I got no hustle in my main hustle, or my side hustle. I got no hustle. a breath for the lack of hustle
-losing the writing thread
-losing the clean diet thread, and gaining back all the weight I lost since August. fuck gluten, but seriously, a girl has to eat
-the husband is sick and depressed and really unhappy at work
but sparkle too:
-had 2 workshops accepted at Pcon. one is waitlisted, but yea!
-went to my audition! first audition in 18 years. no, I didn’t get called back, but I still went, and the process has started up for me again. a breath for art and fear and more art
-clues are landing
-picking up the threads again
-I have gotten really good at discerning which spoons are worth spending. I am dismayed because I made time for [meet-up meeting] and NO ONE showed up. I had plenty of other uses for those 2 hours, so I was tweaked about it. But it showed that I ought not invest [X] without [Y] return, and made me feel very empowered about following a more present and pressing Yes. The No is good redirection for where to put my energy and where not to
-and suddenly, the Yeses are FAR more clear
-back on the clean diet/more movement thread. making time for morning movement, seeing the next steps.
-Hogwarts! I was worried about all the canceled classes, but the next steps are revealing themselves, and they are good steps.
-beautiful weather! October! I love this time of year
I am very much resonant with the SuperPower of Delicious Space.
I have an Unpleasant Thing that must occur by late November, and I thought I would be able to finally do it this week, except… my body keeps saying No, No, No. Today I figured out: 1. I think my gut bugs are fighting off an infection. 2. My heart is having one of those episodes. 3. I’ve been ‘even more low energy than usual’ all week. 4. Possibly exacerbated by 1-3, my anxiety is spiking.
You know what? I can do Thing next week! Or whenever *it’s a good time for me*, which is clearly not this week.
Havi, it was only the day (some years back) that I was having a sucky day/week/month at my job, and then my tooth fell out while eating a tootsie roll, and in my new panic & despair found the courage to Have the Unpleasant Conversation with my Boss, that I realized… for whatever reason, I have historically needed Bad Business as Usual => Craptacular Emergency, before I *know exactly what to do*, and then *I do it*.
Obvs, this is not sustainable or pleasant, and i’ve tried (w limited success) to contravene it.
Only recently did I realize this sorry state of affairs arose from an upbringing where Normal = Everything Sucks. So… to differentiate levels of suck so I could allocate my extremely limited personal resources optimally, waiting until/if a Craptacular Emergency arose… was actually an effective & adaptive strategy. 🙁
A long way of saying, I feel solidarity with and empathy for you this week.
I also live in a beautiful space, by design. Our apartment is filled with ‘colors that want to be together’; comfortable sitting spots (including on the balcony amidst my garden, and across from my tree-friend); books, art, afternoon rainbows (a prism in my studio); lots of light, esp glowy-warm afternoon light.
No wonder I don’t like to leave home, unless I expect a lovely adventure.
In case someone else finds it useful, check out the 10.14.2013 post of this blog, lunalindsey.com. It’s titled “Splines Theory: A Spoons Metaphor for Autism”, and it’s rocking my world.
Debbie the speech therapist, Fe the OT, and the social worker at the dialysis center were bright spots in another hard week.
I made a decision that I wanted to make and talked myself out of several times. Not going to do it. Not sure what to expect now. Things may be be difficult because of potential undesirable consequences for another person.
Something that I want to do is going to be difficult-to-impossible because of undesirable consequences to another person (not the same one).
I decided by default to get out of something I’ve been enthusiastically involved in, and now I have to take action so it won’t be hanging over my head and Inowanna!
I can feel myself wanting to talk myself out of that thing again, and also to talk myself into giving myself one more week before I take action to get out of the other thing.
Every day I plan about doing certain things, and it always seems doable and then the plans get derailed and I wonder if I am being too ambitious or too lazy. Both?
MrB and I keep making plans for things to keep him active and involved in life and those plans get derailed too. Recent plans to take him out had to be canceled because he is on bed rest again. Things that we could do at his tray table are not doable because he can’t sit up high enough. It’s always something!
Hello, friends. Thank you, week.
What’s been working? Remembering that not everything requires a response from me right away.
What do I want to play with? Flowers that look beautiful in shade and in chilly conditions.
Hard and such:
1. Workload.
2. Someone close to me demonstrating contempt for my feelings.
3. Respiratory woe.
4. Missing the sweet doggie so very much.
5. And her mad kitchen-cleaning skillz, too.
6. Car trouble.
7. Restaurant I’d made reservations at for a celebration turned out to be far too noisy AND nasty-smelling.
8. A gift worth less than I’d hoped.
Good, rewarding, and such:
1. Restaurant gracious about me having to back out of reservation.
2. A schedule conflict solidified my gut feeling about something being a Should rather than a Yes.
3. Wham-boomed meals and deliverables in spite of illness and exhaustion. And now I get three days of solid holiday.
4. Won a professional award. Receiving multiple “you deserve it!” congratulations = surprise nonpareils on the cupcake.
5. A friend gave me a glow-in-the-dark planter earlier this year, and I finally plugged it in, and it was glowing at me when I came home tonight, and I laughed out loud in delight.
6. Giant illuminated bunnies.
7. Waking up sans alarm early enough to pull together card for MIL, and the satisfaction of using paper I marbled 20-odd years ago.
8. A friend just got hired at a wonderful place!
Warm wishes to all y’all.
GLOW IN THE DARK PLANTER! Also applause for backing out of the reservation. <3 <3 <3
Walking Past a Rose This June Morning – Alice Oswald
is my heart a rose? how unspeakable
is my heart a rose? how unspeakable
is my heart folded to dismantle? how unspeakable
is a rose folded in its nerves? how unspeakable
is my heart secretly overhanging us? pause
is there a new world known only to breathing?
now inhale what I remember. pause. how unbreathable
this is my heart out. how unspeakable
this is my risen skin. how unthinkable
this is my tense touch-sensitive heart
this is its mass made springy by the rain
this loosening compression of hope. how unworkable
is an invisible ray lighting up your lungs? how invisible?
is it a weightless rapture? pause. how weightless?
now trace a breath-map in the air. how invisible?
is a rose a turning cylinder of senses? how unspeakable
is this the ghost of the heart, the actual
the inmost deceleration of its thought? how unspeakable
is everything still speeding around us? pause
is my heart the centre? how unbearable
is the rain a halo? how unbearable
I meant to gift this poem here a year ago…but apparently I am internet-shy 🙂
What perfect timing! Thank you! <3
@Havi @Ravenstar – What a marvelous rendezvous! <3
This week's hard:
– Noticing I am fearing next round of [treatment for an illness], which after 3 or 4 weeks will produce another round of side effects. Bleah.
– Remembering I still have symptoms while after recovery from treatment pulses, so we are not done with pulsing. Could take many months or years.
– Recognizing that fear monsters are sometimes based on actual danger. Must juggle my attitudes to "fears" and "danger" when some monsters are plush and fuzzy, and others are spiky, dense, and nasty.
– Realizing how much I have allowed this intermittent illness to derail my (metaphorical) train this year.
– Difficulties associated with maneuvering around the train wreckage, and figuring out how and when to work on cleaning it up.
– Regret/guilt over feeling grateful I do not appear to be getting sicker, and certainly am not as sick as many.
– Adversely reacting, and being surreptitiously unkind by withdrawal, to someone who pushes boundaries without recognizing she is doing it, or without realizing how to stop. I have lots more spoons than she and could afford to be kind.
– Misunderstandings and mid-steps with loved family members.
This week's good:
– Loved family members. Forgiveness. Kindness.
– Resources/spoons for personal relationships. And for investigating and treating the illness.
– Trusted advisors. Assistance in train wreckage inventory and cleanup.
I am grateful for my body which is supporting me in this illness; and for the fact that I was treated even before diagnosis.
I am grateful for this space, and its cousins, which have taught me the language of monsters, how to play with proxies and metaphors, and what sovereignty might mean.
Have a lovely weekend, chickeneers.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 to you, Sue! Wishing you great ease of recovery
<3!!!
Hello Havi, hello chicken, hello chickeneers!
The hard:
– still this mystery of burnout; how do I stop it happening again? how do I break the cycle?
– still so tiiiiired, and people keep saying how about I come in later, then, but there are only so many hours in a day
– where is the place where I can be wholly myself?
– diminishing returns
The good:
– things do seem to be getting easier
– a fairy godmother task for the fairy godmother, and wham boom is she good at it.
– Red Pen Me ran the show last week; she cuts out everything that obscures the meaning (now, can we extend that beyond the page?)
– a mind of my own
– being appreciated (in the proxy sense as well as the real one)
What worked?
– printing it out
– walking and walking and walking
– costumes – well, costume jewellery, anyway
Clue!
“That woman is a saint. For non-Christians, that means she is fucking good at her job.” (not me, but I do want to be a saint, and also fucking good at my job, and yes, she’d managed quite an amazing thing by all accounts)