When we can’t write
I was writing about something intense and personal, and then something in me tightened, and I couldn’t write anymore, about anything, at all.
Luckily for us, I remembered that some things (for example, a tightening, an inability to express) require calling on superpowers.
I am talking about the superpowers of Incubation, Percolation, Clearing The Path, Trust and Process, Trust In Process. What if we can give ourselves (and our writing) that grace? I think we can.
And, we can also always write about what is in front of us, we can describe what we see, we can play with what is true and what else is true…
This is not a writing prompt / Ceci n’est pas une prompt
I am so deeply resistant to “writing prompts”, as you probably know.
Maybe because I am the rebellious one, and the word PROMPT makes me want to refuse to do as prompted.
So I use the imagery of stone skipping instead, dropping a question into consciousness, like a stone skipping across the water, watching the lovely concentric circles that echo out from our question-stone.
Today’s question-stone / questing-stone is I am thinking about…
I am thinking about
I am thinking about Fluid Motion, and the hawk soaring outside, as I watch from the window, all grace and precision, its purposeful arc. I am thinking about purposeful arcs.
And I am rooting for the hawk, my ally in my ongoing war with the mice who want to live in my car.
Hawk-like. Hawk-honed. I want to glide with fierce power and strike terror as I move through the world with my graceful precision, my purposeful arc.
I am thinking about
I am thinking about Consolidation, as a word and as a concept or theme in my life.
CONSOLIDATE.
This keeps coming up, in scribbled notes, in a Monday Meeting, in meditation.
Consolidation in the pantry: how can I make quarantine easier to navigate by being able so see what is here? What can be combined? What can be stored together?
Consolidation of ideas and projects, how can these interrelated ideas and concepts support each other???
Consolidation of things, again, let’s see what we have. Inventory. Clarity.
I am thinking about
I am thinking about Congruence and Harmony, in interior design and in very interior design (inside of us, internal world).
Instinctively I know what needs to be right in my space.
But I don’t always respect that knowing. Sometimes I try to logic my way out of that knowing.
I am thinking about
I am thinking about Mysteries Of Laundry.
There is no washing machine at the dome (there was and now there is not, long story), and so far have been keeping up on hand-washing, but at a certain point there will need to be a washing of things like sheets and blankets, jeans and sweaters, and I have no plan for that yet.
Day 18 of Isolation. Currently my plan is waiting as long as possible, then visit a laundromat armed with gloves and homemade hand sanitizer, and then presumably head right back into quarantine because laundromats are kind of gross under the best of circumstances.
Laundry is kind of a proxy-worry for the many unsolvable mysteries, but the good thing about a proxy-worry is that if I can find a solution for it, that solution will apply to lots of other things.
And if I can’t find a solution, I can keep asking for one, or seek a solution for something else, all mysteries are related, this will be solved.
I am thinking about
I am thinking about Possible Futures, many meanings to those two words combined.
Mostly trying to imagine some positive outcomes and the superpower of Good Surprises, but also thinking about a lot of ways things could go, and how to adapt.
Certainly my industry (hosting retreats) no longer exists, and many other industries will no longer exist. It’s quite possible that there won’t be yoga studios, or at least those that exist in physical space, or gyms or hair salons or many in person places at all, there will be new forms and new solutions we haven’t thought of yet.
Very excited for silver hair to be in fashion. Very excited to find out what my new job will be and how it will work. Haha understatement.
Can we concentrate hard and hold hands and skip over to a parallel reality where some of these mysteries have been joyfully solved?
I am thinking about
I am thinking about Getting Lost.
Whenever I get lost, I pay close attention to every detail of my surroundings.
That’s because I like to imagine (or pretend?) that a me from a parallel life will need this information some day, and I want to remember it for them, I want them to be able to draw on the good fortune of this moment of lost right now.
They’ll be like, oh right there’s the post office, that was already in my mental map.
Yup, because I put it there! High five, Havi from other dimensions, past, future, parallel, I love you babe, hope you find what you’re looking for, I’m rooting for you, always.
I am thinking about
I am thinking about the words TAKE NOTE.
They are on the cover of a notebook that I never use, I put it in the spot where I do my morning and evening practice, because I always wanted to jot down a reminder note for later, but now that it lives there, I do not take notes.
Among the many mysteries: let us take note of the not-taking-note.
Take note like LET US MARK THIS MOMENT, take note like hey let’s write this down and then it is a spell, take note like okay, let us observe what is.
Let’s take note. What’s true and what’s also true? What is Known? A lot of unknowns, and that’s real and that’s a lot, but what is known?
I am thinking about
I am thinking about Fog Clearing.
For the first week of Quarantine, I was lost in the foggiest fog and so was nearly everyone I know.
I have so many useful Fog Clearing techniques that are really essential to self-fluency skills, because goodness it is so easy to get caught up in external fog. Anyway, had been thinking I would write something about that for you and then I didn’t.
Then yesterday the fog came back, in the form of a day that was entirely made of molasses but the molasses was made of kryptonite.
And now I am out of the fog, which is a delight, and I am pondering if I want to write out some techniques for people or do a brief class, but thinking I need to take time with that and maybe gather powers and encouragement, because my What’s The Point monsters are very loud at the moment.
Hopelessness and fog go together. Taking breaths for Wild Clarity, Seeing Through, Remembering Truth. We got this. Fog is temporary, like so many things.
I am thinking about
I am thinking about Noon Reset, this is something my friends and I have been doing to interrupt fog patterns, and this is something I could write about too.
Noon Reset is still happening at noon, though now we are resetting every two hours at least, because tremendous times requires tremendous everything. Don’t they though.
I am thinking about
I am thinking about Amends, and how they are different from regrets.
A lot has happened in the past sixteen years since this business came into being. A lot of astonishingly beautiful things and also a lot of sad things, and just a lot, in general. Life is tumultuous, especially right now.
Friendships have ended, I have made choices I regret, and said words I wish I had not said. This is what I was writing about when I stopped being able to write.
I am thinking about how to make amends, and what this means and the forms it could take, and actually this is not new, this has been the main theme on my mind over the last two years at least. There isn’t a way to right wrongs, but there is a way to apologize.
I am thinking about
I am thinking about Roll Call / Role Call, which is how I begin my Monday Meetings with my Incoming Selves and my projects.
Who is here? What roles are here for me? What are we here for?
I gather with my selves: me of right now, me of next week, Hard Femme Hellcat M, The True Assassin, The Desert Sorceress, and the projects which right now are all going by acronyms.
We gather and I skip a stone for us, asking a question by dropping it into the water, and each of us answers or channels a response.
Hellcat M reminded me that I once made a reflecting collage that had the most marvelous clue: Your Specialty Glow Flash, Your Famous (Fill In The Blank)
What is my famous Fill In The Blank? Maybe that’s a question for the next meeting.
I am thinking about
I am thinking about Good Fortune, and all the ways that I am tremendously fortunate right now in my quarantine, in addition to all the many magic beans of white cis abled privilege which make my life easier, in all ways and especially now.
Fortune that I already often spend long chunks of time in isolation, I am used to this, I have trained for this, I already know how to make one hug last two weeks.
Fortune that my backyard is hundreds of acres of state land with endless trails to follow if I wish to be outdoors and meander without seeing other humans.
Fortune that my windows feature gorgeous views of ocotillo and prickly pear and agave, and light on the mountains. I am visited daily by road runners, bunnies, quail.
The bobcat visits at night and leaves me loving gifts in the form of poop statues by the front door, my precious baby is an artist.
Fortune in the form of the absolutely lovely community of wise and fun people who hang out here and work with the concepts I write about, I adore and appreciate all of you.
I play the game of what fantastic unexpected luckiness, and it helps.
I am thinking about
I am thinking about Hardships, both real and perceived, real and remembered, past and present, and the variety of ways that quarantine is hard for me, in general and right now.
In addition to the loss of my job and loss of income (all retreats canceled, and I needed to refund so many people at once, glowing a loving thank you everyone who is still waiting patiently, I appreciate you more than I can say, and we are going to solve this!), there are other challenges.
Okay so right now I don’t particularly feel like writing about them, in part because we all have our big challenges right now and in part because it just feels so vulnerable, but yeah, they exist, and each day I have to talk my way through, and remind myself of the bigger truths.
I am thinking about
I am thinking about Sharing (all meanings, sharing like in kindergarten, sharing of ourselves, sharing resources, sharing by showing up for each other with presence, empathy and endless sparklepoints), and how we are all in this.
I am thinking about how I can best be of service.
And I am thinking about how life circumstances right now are asking us to get very creative and agile, while at the same time be able to calm ourselves down enough to focus on the creative and agile solutions that are still incoming.
This is where self-fluency is so useful, the ability to recognize monsters, to lovingly speak truth to fear, to take exquisite care of ourselves, to soothe past versions of us who have forgotten that Now Is Not Then, and so on.
Doing the work, because the work works, and we get to make it playful too.
I am thinking about
I am thinking about the Steadiness of Ritual.
In early September, my incoming selves got VERY serious about morning and evening practice. They wanted it to start on time. They wanted it to be consistent and to follow a sequence that I would be able to remember.
They were very clear that I should not be depending on mood or youtube or a teacher. They wanted me to show the fuck up and do my practice, in a way that required no thought or planning, nothing other than being there.
Some days I’d be like, come onnnnn, can we just go into the city and take a yoga class with someone please? And they were really clear that this was not the way.
They kept saying, Listen, you need the skill and the stamina of a consistent home practice, of being unwavering in your practice, you need to prioritize this and not let anything else come first.
And so that was weird. Until now.
The easiest part of quarantine has been my morning and evening practice, because those were already solidly in place.
And I will be very honest, these stabilizing practices are keeping me from being a total mess. I held the ritual, and now ritual is holding me.
(Sidebar!)
Obviously everything changes and everything is allowed to change, I am not advocating a formal restrictive practice with lots of rules. I am just noticing how I am being held right now by my movement practice.
I am thinking about
I am thinking about Companionship and Community and conscious intentional forms of Interdependence, and what a big deal this all is, especially when we are isolating, but really always.
The way we can glow for each other, conjure sparklepoints together, call in/up/on superpowers together, do things with intention, even when we are alone, we are doing our alone things for the collective, for each other.
Isn’t that magnificent? It cheers me up to think about it.
It means so much to me that you are here, that we are thinking these thoughts together and in relationship (as in: I think my thoughts in my ways, you think your thoughts in your ways, we are equal, we are in an ongoing relationship with our own process).
Anyway, I am glad you’re here. We’re not alone in this. We are breathing breaths and channeling superpowers for ourselves and each other, in connection.
Come play with me!
You are welcome to play with me in the comments, maybe you would also like to do a round or many rounds of the not-a-prompt of I Am Thinking About, or maybe you want to share anything sparked for you from reading this, or maybe you just want to keep me company.
Which is awesome, because again, I have not seen a human in eighteen days and I could use all the company.
I am wishing ease for you, and lightness and joyful realizations. Thank you for being here with me while we figure things out together.
Follow
Oh what a beautiful post, and just what I needed.
Inviting back in the qualities of playfulness, steadiness, spaciousness. Today, on top of big sadness, I realize a pattern of “should” is rearing its head again, when truly What Is Required is just anything that brings me through the day with grace. Didn’t revise a scene? Didn’t check out new job postings (didn’t dare to see if such a thing exists)? Didn’t start the book for book club?
Well guess what we *did* do. We did get sunshine and fresh air. We did check in with people. We did cry a little and give a loving No to an activity that was a No. We did nourish and clean dishes and stay safe and do yoga. What a mind-boggling amount to have already done in a hard time. The rest is gravy!
-o-
Thank you Havi! So much here for me. I am also thinking about Good Fortune. I have so very much of this, and right now it’s even more obvious. I have the good fortune of having a NYC refugee here in this safe and rural space. Company in isolation, help with basics and beyond. I have neighbors that I love and we can drink wine outside sort of near each other. I have lambs and calves being born. I have spring walks through mud, with frogs all around. I send out the love; I let myself feel the grief and fear. Maybe taking on as much as I can digest will help a little. I spread the good fortune where I see the golden opportunities; maybe I will get better at spotting more of them.
I Am Thinking About how, even though I’ve been essentially living a hermit’s life since I ‘retired’ some years back, this extrovert retained sanity by weekly trips to the public library, monthlyish trips to the florist, in addition to my (hermit!) spouse’s company. Today is my Day 20, and … when I get caught in a worry loop, I talk too much about my fears and I can see when he stops listening and that hurts. I try to talk less, but that hurts too. Quality Conversations is my top love language and they are in very short supply these days.
On the plus side, having involuntarily ‘retired’ 9 years ago, we’re not now scrambling to replace a second income. That disaster, even before I knew it was permanent, caused me to founder in a fog of despair for 5 years.
I am fasting from the news, and the gossip blogs I read for fun, for 9 days, and here on day 5, I feel a lot steadier at least. Maybe I will extend it.
I am thinking about how much I appreciate these blog posts. Thank you for Glowing your Glow, Havi. Always, and ESPECIALLY now.
I am thinking about how my Yes for this technically-just-past day was to write many online comments in a couple of corners of the blogosphere. One comment at a time. And to do a little sketching. And a little knitting. And about half an hour of Muscle-Tendon Changing Classic Qi Gong. A day of Stretching and Expressing and Useful Rhythm.
I am thinking about how what I choose to do First Thing in a day is what I am most likely to get DONE, that day, and about how tired I am of wanting several different things to fit in nearly every day’s First Thing time slot, when Reality doesn’t work that way.
I am thinking about how I don’t feel a Yes for extending this comment further, so I will just send out a little bit of the small Glow that I feel, right now. I hope it will reach you in some useful way. Yes, you, whoever is reading these words.
May all beings be free from suffering. May joy persist, and wisdom increase.
So many things surfaced as I absorbed this post.
On Getting Lost, I thought you meant metaphorically, like how we’re all so Lost at present. And (cutely), I got lost in your post when you (even more cutely) mentioned the post office! It took me forever to realise it was in reference to being physically lost! Yet it was such a useful map; when I’m Lost (in Life), I can pay close attention to my surroundings, to notice it for a different time and place. (More to ponder on that one.)
In Fog Clearing, it helped illuminate my recent fog—which I confused for Life, but this makes me go, ohh, it was just a fog. And in the fluent self impacty way you have, I could see it less as a fog and more of a mist. When the mist descends around my property, the sounds are muted, the grass is dewy, movement is stilled, the leaves on the trees glisten. It is not scary or anxiety-provoking—unless of course you’re driving in it and can’t see a metre ahead of you—so the key for me is snuggle indoors, gaze peacefully out the window, and relish the gentle serenity of it all. AKA, STOP DRIVING IN THE FOG OF LIFE WHEN IT’S TOO FOGGY TO SEE! Oh.
And more light shining upon Regret. I tried to teach myself, “If you do something wrong, make amends, resolve to learn from this, and forgive yourself.” And even though Amends are *obviously* different to Regret, it made me go ohhhh, why of course; we can make Amends but we can’t really *make* Regrets—because if we were (knowingly) making regrets, we’d stop. (It felt more profound in my heart than when I write it out *coughs self-consciously*)
And by the end of it, I feel more present with myself. More able to hold all of it. I am anxious, I am grounded. I am terrified for those more vulnerable than me (I work with asylum seekers and refugees). I am terrified for myself (I am already isolated and injured). I am hopeful for the new world that will arise from all of this chaos and calamity. I forget I am Magic. I eat badly. And then I return to my nourishing way of eating. I get Lost. And then I dance, I plant, and I read absorb Fluent Self things. And I can breathe.
Needs Met to all of you—thankyou for being the people you are, even if I don’t read or participate much now x
<3
I am thinking about Consolidate, and how it makes me think of Streamline, and I like that; I like the idea of channeling currents into a clear and flowing stream.
I have a habit sometimes of writing, "I am keeping you in my thoughts, and holding you in my heart," and sometimes my monsters think this might seem too glib, too much like "thoughts & prayers" or "love & light " — and yet, here I am, sweet friend Havi Bell, and I am keeping you in my thoughts, and holding you in my heart. I simply am.
Thank you for this post. I think it *is* the point. <3 <3
This is ********, thank you for being willing to publish and share/spark with us.
It seems like all i have been thinking about lately is disability. Everyone is feeling so restricted etc, and i am like, nothing much has changed, this is my world that i’ve lived in for [time/space]. I’ve had some comments recently that come from cultural ignorance/erasure of disability (specifically chronic/permanent, ppl are different about temporary disability). I have so many layered/complicated/unpleasant reactions and feelings. I already have a big dose of bitterness and cynicism and reading/hearing some of the stuff out there makes me want to detonate. But i wanted to say that i don’t feel erased here, in this post, in fact there was a space of acknowledgement. Thanks for that havi. also, i acutely know/feel that these aren’t the most gracious, empathetic reactions to have to the current goings-on but my word for this year was LEVITY, with a side of IMPUNITY, and boy am i ever channeling those things right now. Offering them up to anyone else who needs them to navigate and survive this thing xo
<3 <3 <3 resonance to all of this and yeah you are right, and I think the frustration is so legitimate
(it’s definitely been frustrating for me that suddenly the world is like WHAT WAIT URGENT SITUATION WE NEED TO HAVE ACCESS TO VITAL THINGS when we needed access to vital things for everyone all along)
Feeling a bit down with everything that is happening. As I tried to think of something to help me switch my perspective, I thought of mindfulness and automatically remembered your blog.
Thanks for sharing! Thanks for reminding me I have many blessings that make this time more manageable! Thanks for showing we are in the same boat, even if in different conditions, we are all in this together! Most importantly, thank you for being there so I remember to be with me, and be kind and patient with me!
I am thinking about sustainable support: about ways to share what we can, when we can.
I am thinking about how we might support and appreciate creators, small businesses, charities, causes and organisations, without worrying that the amount we offer isn’t enough, helping to establish a culture of openness, and creating paths for that support to flow.
Glowing for the collective! Thank you, Havi, for sharing this space and wisdom.
I am thinking about time: how I lost my watch, and how the clock face disappeared from my phone screen, and how the clocks went forward. And how I’ve been doing things twenty minutes at a time, twenty minutes, twenty minutes…
I am thinking about this quotation from Rainer Maria Rilke: “If I were to come and visit you, I’d also surely see the splendour of moor and heath, the hovering bright green of the meadows, the birches, with new and different eyes.” And this riff on it from the Hidden Europe newsletter: “We have all changed in these past weeks. We have new and different eyes. Our view of the world, our perception of our immediate surroundings, and the value we place on space and horizons have all been reengineered within the compass of a month. We have become more diligent in our attention to the detail of what’s happening on a balcony, in a garden and our immediate environment. ”
I am thinking about how I and two other sets of church friends who had moved away from that church, out of the parish, were all back there this morning, now it’s happening on the internet.
I am thinking about expectation, or, perhaps, how I’m not thinking about expectation, how I’m working my way into expectation around the edges.
Lots of resonance here with past selves preparing for future selves and the skills of being lost (and found!), and the collective US that we are being apart for. I like to remember that I am doing a vigil or a watch with everyday I do not leave this house. I am protecting people with my absence.
I am also reaching out with heart and mind and words and every bit of technology I have to make connections and hold connections and help the world feel a little more kind.
I AM
…thinking about how I talk to myself – I see these old habits of being sooooo rude (to myself) that I’m letting go of.
…enjoying the beautiful sunny day
…sending you (Havi and fellow readers) all kinds of Bright Blessings.
Thank you for the bit about proxy-worries–it makes sitting with my response to one much easier, knowing that this is rippling out into the other areas of fear.
So glad you are ok, and in the desert/wilderness.
(((This Post)))
Regrets and Amends… how to know what might be Necessary Amends to Consider and what might be Old Patterns of Self Hate Coming To Light So I May Gently Unweave Them With Magic Wand?!
Where does genuine gratitude for my blessings stop and guilt for having so much when others have so little begin?
My journal and practice keep telling me my April words (birthday month, so, significant!!!) are JOY and SACRIFICE and I can see they are related but still working out how….
Thank you Havi for your words and this space.
I am thinking about the tension between knowing enough information and having too much information.
I am thinking about quarantine as 40 (quarantina), and musing on 40 years in the wilderness and how the wilderness is maybe not a place for answers, but just for being. How being “passed over” didn’t exactly lead directly to the Promised Land.
And I am thinking about how my stuff is the same during a pandemic as before; it is just the story line that has changed.
Yes, hopelessness and fog go together. Maybe because it’s only fog that keeps us from seeing the hope that is always there. And of course, we get hopeless when we assume the fog is permanent, built of stone. Silly…and great name for a band: The Stone Fog or the Unmoved Mist. Or Evan with a Perm (there are ingredients for an evanescent/permanent word play in there: help yourself). Just one guy?
I have a notebook in a place where I think I “should?” take notes. I thought it was a gift from the future me that is consistently self-reflective but maybe it’s a poop statue from passive-aggressive teacher’s-pet me! At least my baby is an artist, I mean, expressing herself and pointing out my need to express myself. So many webinars and articles and zoom calls where people don’t hear me.
I remembered how holidays would make you anxious because places wouldn’t be open as expected. I think many places aren’t open now but I get to save myself the anxiety of expecting them to be. Just staying home. I am making do; the part of me that is the inter-generational pain body of living through war and communism is so pleased (finally, her scarcity mindset is validated–oh, wait, I may not want to take that lesson forward with me). Maybe my eschewing of concerts and bars and group sports has been my lifelong training for this time. I am ready.
“And now I am out of the fog, which is a delight”
A delight and also daylight, maybe?
I am thinking that I’m glad I’ve finally remembered this place.
I am thinking I wish I remembered what name I was using here so I could use it again.
I am thinking about a text conversation I just had with a friend, about how lonely I am, how much I want to believe that I will not be alone forever. I am thinking about how ‘forever’ and ‘the next year or so’ seem synonymous at present. I can’t imagine the world a year from now which seems to make it not exist.
I am thinking that I have (too much stuff) and (too little storage space) and even if I cant solve the second right now, solving the first helps solve the second almost by proxy.
I am thinking of the scary paperwork and thinking maybe I can do one tiny part and see if that helps the rest. I am finally remembering the fractal flowers. I’ve been needing them for so long.
Thank you for still being here <3
I am also thinking about these themes (not being able to imagine a year from now makes it unreal) and also solutions that solve other things and tiny parts. <3 for DAYLIGHT
I’m thinking about:
How everything is different, completely. And yet I’m still doing the same work I’ve done for years, just working from home full-time instead of ad hoc.
I’m thinking about:
My kids. How my son who is a senior in high school might never go back to his school again, a school he has been attending since 7th grade. How they don’t know how they will hold a graduation ceremony. How important that ceremony and closure is.
I’m thinking about:
How are lives have been totally uprooted, everything’s changed. But we are in the same place. And we are (so far so good) alive and well.
I’m thinking about:
How I can be jealous of my friends who get “time off” and can create new things, except how do you do that and also take care of everything, keep body & soul together.
How I am trying to do my essential work and still give myself room to grieve all the upheaval, the uproot, the loss.
About how do I make room for tears when there is so much work to do.
I am thinking about how grateful I always am to rediscover/remember/happen upon your blog again at just the right time. Every time I read your words, there is a whole universe of permission embedded in them to be where I am, and start again, and think/write exactly what is here.
What a wonder that you established morning/evening practices before this! I am thinking that this is a v hard time to establish new routines, and maybe I need to be gentle with myself about that.
Sending so much love for everything being disrupted & in flux. And a flurry of inner excitement at whatever your next step is, possibly maybe we get new ways to experience Havi magic in quarantine? That would be delightful. (One of the few good things coming out of all this is having more access to good things as a spoonie with limited means, because everything is going virtual. <3)
foggy lights and lamposts!
i am navigating this like a labyrinth and i’m painting everything with my hands and songs.
i am hanging out in the Liminal spaces (that’s the name of the lounge where my selves live.)
i am SO excited to see where our sparks meet. the sun and the moon are loving me and i am so excited to see where my stars rise.
that is to say.
hi. <3