Hello, week: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 419th week in a row and I am glad we are chickening here together!
What’s been working?
Asking “what is the version of this with less story?”
In other words, am I stew-stirring a narrative when I could acknowledge the feelings without buying into the story….
Also I invented an AWESOME DANCE DRILL that I am very excited about, it involves dancing to a song while standing on one leg, and not making the face if I fall.
I might try…
Given that it is not exactly a secret how important quiet is for me, making sure I get more of it is not a terrible idea.
Naming the days.
This was the week of welcome the muse and these were the days.
In my element! Salud y pesetas. The muse is welcome. Welcome, muse. Freedom is the foundation. Winged goddess of. Every turn is a solo turn.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
I Only Made The Face Once.
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- This week was just incredibly hard for me. I cried a lot. A breath.
- I cried in the park because I had nowhere to go, and this reminded me of then even though Now Is Not Then. Homelessness triggers and reminders everywhere. Nightmares at night. Awful memories of something scary, and I am not sure if it happened or not or where or when, everything around the memory is gone. Sitting in a park waiting for [all is clear] is the worst, and I didn’t even know I had so many different kinds of memories of this. And even when I remembered that I had somewhere to go and went there, it was not good for me to be there. A breath for safety.
- I had trouble all week remembering that Now Is Not Then because now was reminding me of then in every possible way. A breath for remembering that is is only reminding me of then because it’s a chance to do things differently in this round of the video game.
- And I need peacefulness and quiet to do my work, and everywhere I am is the opposite of that. Breathing for spaciousness.
- Had the thought this week that I need a tattoo on the back of my wrist that says YOU DESERVE BETTER so that I see this and remember that it is true and do something about it, instead of putting up with the epic amounts of WUSIT (What Unsovereign Shit Is This) that I am currently putting up with. Another breath.
- The beautiful faraway cowboy was AWOL and for five days barely even surfaced to say hello, and because I am having trouble differentiating between Now and Then, I was experiencing this like a repeat of the time the kid took off for Berlin and disappeared on me, for months, and then came back to Tel Aviv like he could just dust off his favorite plaything, as if I would just be there waiting. Big upset feelings of hurt hurt hurt and wanting to lash out, and knowing I don’t do that anymore but not able to remember why or what it is I do instead. A breath for now is now, and now is different.
- Everything is no, which is useful, because no is a beacon, and also it’s really frustrating because I am in the no places. And I had a two day on-the-floor migraine of the kind when everyone wants to be in my head, which is also no. And there are too many mysteries to solve right now, and I still have too many jobs. A breath for all the right solutions — speedy, easy, inexpensive solutions, may they reveal themselves soon.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Many beautiful things happened this week which proved that now is in fact nothing like then, and All Is Well, it just is, even when I forget this. A breath of sweetness and presence.
- The stone skipping not-a-course is amazing, and everyone in it is so great — what a gathering of warm, thoughtful, wonderful people, I feel so good about it! And no one is asking me questions or trying to get me to be in teacher mode, and it is heaven, I wish all courses were like this. A breath for play, and for all the seeds-and-sparks of wisdom that are going to change our worlds, I can absolutely feel the power of this and we only just started!
- Agent Sloan invited me to stay with her and her cat — who is my favorite and also the schmooiest schmoo, and it was so quiet and peaceful and just what I needed most. A breath of thank you.
- Incoming me is obsessed with floating in dark floatation tanks, and this was big healing this week. Intensity! A breath of thankfulness for the amazing discoveries and transformations that happen for me through this specific form of immersion. And also, while I may think I hate Portland, it is also the float tank capital of the world, which is not a bad place to visit. Breathing.
- The beautiful faraway cowboy loves me, even when I forget this and am upset with him. A breath for remembering.
- I followed Adrianna’s forever-advice (breakfast first!), and everything got better. A breath for listening.
- Learning how to glow and to trust my glow. A breath for this.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of a day trip to the coast turning into something longer, progress on the secret subterranean studio op, things being so bad that they forced me to switch seats which is how I learned about sloth sanctuaries, and if that’s not a clue, I don’t know what is. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the powers of Welcoming the Muse, inviting what needs to come in, and self-forgiveness , and that is exactly what I got.
Powers I want.
More of the same please and also the superpower of claiming space for myself, which is also the superpower of remembering that I matter and my state of well-being matters.
The Salve of Claiming Space.
This salve is about Crown On. It immediately bestows truth-seeds: you claiming space for you actually makes more space for other people to have their space, because things get more clear and delineated, less muddy. It is a kind and welcoming thing to do for other people, to glow boundaries for you. And it is a retroactive healing for all the past selves who didn’t get the space and safety they needed.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from the moment I discovered the lock on the studio door doesn’t work, exactly like twenty years ago when I lived in a place that had no locks, and everyone thought it was the art gallery and would just wander in, and oh wow I got sent into some serious stuff aka….
Spirals of Then
Their latest album is Excellent Escapes And A Swing, and this band is just one guy.
Announcement time….
The fantastic monster manual is still available in the place that used to be the the shop, and it is enormously useful if you would like to practice being Way Less Impressed with the horrible things that internal critical voices say!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Hello, week. Hello, Havi. Hi, y’all.
Sloth sanctuaries!
Hard:
* NBC, Chicago Tribune, et al.: sexist much? Ye gods and fishes.
* Recognizing Past Me in other people’s delusions / drama.
* Refraining from trying to make things better because it’s not like Past Me would have appreciated or adopted the advice either.
* Heat rash, bug bites, yeast vise, knee twangs…
* This crashtop. So frustrated by its unfixable seizures.
* Feeling foolish for expecting a delivery that hasn’t happened.
* Contractor litter. Yuck.
Good:
* A friend providing timely intel.
* Pound class did not require cheering or other forced enthusiasm.
* Fried calamari and a frozen margarita after church.
* A librarian at my neighborhood branch has now been there long enough to recognize my name. A pleasant flashback to my encyclopedia-entry-writing days.
* Lane all to myself during a swim.
* Clean sheets.
* Finally visiting a local landmark — and finding it interesting enough to contemplate several more visits. And the professional discount that lets me not feel like I have to take it all in at once.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Cluck cluck chicken
The hard:
– seasons change, my head breaks, regular as clockwork. But I’m getting better and better at noticing it and realising what it is, and it passes off faster.
– the lunch culture here. I want to be alone. Can I be Greta Garbo?
– relatedly, the bit of my head that filters out other people’s conversations is on the fritz, so the office isn’t much fun, and I didn’t bring my headphones.
The good:
– friends who get it, hurrah
– an absolutely magical Friday afternoon of being very quiet and not talking to anyone, just smiling and waving.
– the Olympics. I am always dreadfully cynical up until the moment it starts, and then it starts and I believe in the vision, and I’m always surprised and yet not.
– I’m pretty sure I started visiting here regularly around about the start of the last Olympics. Four year anniversary! So glad I came here.
– a couple of really good writing days.
– I spent some of my birthday money on a stamp that makes the impression of a compass. Stallholder demonstrated how to use embossing powder, using the paper bag. Now I have a compass in gold!
Gold compass!
… which I initially typed as Godl(y) compass. Which fits as well. xx
*resonance*
The Grim
~ fragility and/or unsafe spaces
~ feelings of betrayal, rapidly followed by self-invalidation
~ facing incongruency and experiencing instant energy depletion
~ realising my jaw is hurting from gritting my teeth and my neck sore from squaring my shoulders!
The Magic
~ Just Right connections in unexpected places
~ healing pieces of Old Stuff
~ establishing a new pattern within an old, painful relationship and both of us experiencing peace, connection and release (and of course the obligatory side of grief)
~ increasing the lovingness with which I tend to my body (even if I fall off this wobbly old wagon periodically *grins*)
Much gentleness to all and the divine swishing of trees in my sweet neck of the woods for those who desire it…
” … divine swishing of trees …”
Mmmmmm, yes. Thank you.
@Havi
_o_ for your migraine
This week’s hard:
– being sick
– trying to be not-sick during family events, and not quite managing it
– confounding symptoms: what sick is it?
– doctor on vacation, no backup
– uncertainty about beach trip next week: prep and possibly transport compromised
– feeling too lousy to take much advantage of stone skipping not-a-course
The good:
– able to drive to family event
– lunch with friend plus attended song/dance performance
– came to agreement about getting help installing WiFi in my house (assuming I don’t stay sick)
– able to imagine getting better
Here, chicken, come sit next to me.
“cluck” *ffluffs feathers*
@Havi, I have no idea where the idea of a migraine came from. Anyway, the pebble is for all your hards.
Oh there it is. I am not processing visuals very well, apparently.
Sending so much love to everyone here! And to you, too, week that was.
Hardness: Transitions and unknowns making me feel like I’m standing on shifting sands. Falling into old patterns, with new layers of recognition and insight, which is wonderful and helpful but in this case was also painful.
Goodness: Ahhh, the stone skipping course, the peace and comfort of having this safe haven! Also, feeling cherished and appreciated by the people around me. Also also, the perpetual presence of my journal.
I’d like to continue my superpower from last week, I forget how I phrased it but I know it was a good one! Oh, and thank you for the perfect (as ever) salve, I am slathering some on right now. <3
Sloth sanctuary! I love it. And it reminded me of a day where I went for a walk inside one of those big Victorian glass conservatories. I was in the room of tropical plants, and I happened to look up and see a *sloth* curled around a branch above my head. A real, no-kidding sloth. I asked a docent about it, and she said, “Oh, yeah, that’s Chloe. She lives here.” Nobody else seemed to notice her, and there were no bars or cages or anything separating her from me. It was quiet in there, and cozy-warm, and lush and green. And the thought of being a sloth in that space still makes me smile when I think of it—sloth sanctuary indeed!
Mmmmm I love that! Also, Chloe! <3
A Stone turned into a Chicken and landed here.
This is my Thin Time of year. I am more open to my emotions, especially sadness and grief. The season changes. I feel the nights getting longer. The air is cool in the shade, not burning hot. Things end. People I love die, or I feel grief over their deaths now more than usual.
It is Time to Clean House. The Niggles in every room, and in the Yard, and even the one I don’t go out and look at in the garage, huff with crossed arms and give me the stink-eye for ignoring the Iguanas. I am also feeling the Guilt Bug’s pinch and the Should Bee’s “You should be getting this done.”
It is the Time for Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop. The next death. The next person to lose their job. The next Bad Thing to Happen to Me.
September starts my year. So much to finish, first.
Good – A listening to the Dude that uncorked the Angry Bottle of Hurt from Then. He said it helped.
Skipping stones. The password works to enable entry with All the Qualities. And a reminder to change The Password that is Not Helpful to One that is.
I can haz the temperature I want in my new car and get 44 mpg. His name is T.J. Insight. He is masculine and protects me. He proudly wears the stickers proclaiming my views. I am back to using only as much space and resources as I need. And smiling at how far I can go for so little.
Massage that helped release sadness and some pain in My Good Right Arm.
Hard – The bugs are pretty loud and I have not been good about cuing Boof! the Sparklepoints Releaser.
Invoking strong boundaries when thinking of you, Havi, so if anything bad escapes my force field, it is bounced off yours.
I was just thinking of you and your year, with great fondness and a heart of love! <3
Good morning and cluck!
What worked last week: According to recent horoscope, the feeling of total lassitude and no ambition is perfect for the mass karma-releasing we’re doing. So my non-doing is perfect. yea me.
the hards:
-the husband is sober, but still angry, rude, scornful and in pain. he says he wants me to be more present with his projects, but does not seem willing to take anything off my plate to help. silent treatment aboiut one-third of the month, just days of no contact, just filthy looks and hostility when I walk into the wrong room.
-no matter much we want to change, if circumstances are not altered, nothing changes. despite all my work and determination to shift things at home, this weekend showed that bad old pattern of: all the things + everyone is at rest = Leni doing everything. fuck. that. noise
-seriously, 9pm on sunday nite–realizing I have spent the entire DAY inservice to the family–running errands, cooking, cleaning, taking kids where they need to be–and did nothing that made me happy. Bianca was PISSED. NEVER AGAIN.
-omg so much to fucking do all the time
-I gave up Friendly Dawgs. why is it so hard to stay away from the Pound.
-missing Jeromy. I don’t even want to proxy this. I wish this man was my boyfriend and lover. a breath for longing.
the sparkle:
-stone skipping not-a-course! seriously making me happy
-all of Hogwarts, really. the Water class, my work in the Order, stone skipping. I’m sure to start a new course of study this fall.
-glad the girls are home, happy that FOundation includes a whole lot of patience and gentleness
-Operation Bianca jaguar–working!
-house congruencing is happening
-recommitting to Operation Gold Star. Working steadily away on Blue Lotus
HEYO CHICKEN ON A RAFT
What’s working?
+I have been writing down Beautiful Wishes every day, and of course wishing wishes is WORKING; whether as in “i wish for a thing and then the thing happens” or as in “i wish for a thing and then i learn about what i want / what’s missing / what i already have”.
+[BAM!] is working a lot, so that’s pretty cool
+Operation Gold Plus aka The Water is Wide is totally working which is GREAT because HERE I AM IN IT.
+PILLOWS <3 <3
I might try…
+Learning more about Bay Flow and seeing (SEAing!) / exploring whether it can be implemented in Real Life or if it were just specific to being In The Bay.
[Colorset 8A]
tenderberry, toasted butter, minty, loud hot pink, plum juice, astroturf, mustard, passionate hot pink, gentle light blue, chartreuse, warm pink, superblue
Breathing for mysteries, tangles, enigmas.
+Last night I wanted to sleep and instead I had gross nightmares and now I never want to sleep again. Breathing for the me who never wants to sleep again. Breathing for the brave me who will try again soon, and breathing beautiful wishes of sweet resting and only lovely dreams for this me.
+Breathing for the Body in which I live. Full of mysteries. Full of me-ness, always. Trying to love it. Trying to love me.
+Breathing for the me who keeps the Banana Peel. I keep doing the thing. I keep keeping the thing. This is what is now. This doesn’t have to always be. Breathing.
+There’s going to be an Ice Cream Stand and I feel scared. Breathing for Scared Me. Gentle, soothing breaths of salty sea air.
+I have a LOT to do before The Big Move and I am breathing myself all of the patience and slowthefuckdown.
+I feel like I’m Missing Something and I can’t tell if it’s Something Important or if it’s Just Monsters. Eek! Breathing.
+Breathing for the Mystery of Operation Green Bean. It is so wanted, and yet so many variables. Breathing for the Hard.
+Breathing for the Me who wants to do all these things with my Hands and yet ow ow ow ow ow. 🙁
Breathing for delights, deliciousness, donuts of all varieties!
+Breathing for the magnificent Bay Adventure. YEAH!! YAY!!
+Breathing for the Me who is SO EXCITED about moving to the New Place and the adventure and the beautiful wishes and Oceans Forever and Sparrow Nests and Magic Bus Lives On!!!!!!!
+Breathing for the magic of Tea Party Resets and the Tyrannosaurus Rex Capers. Mmmmm, steadiness and reintegration. Mmmmm, [MLiiMHs].
+Breathing for [PetalPlus!]
+Breathing for popcorn. Whose magical genius idea was it to invent this glorious thing? Gratitude forever and ever. Popcorn!!!!!!
+Breathing for my BIRTHDAY which is NEXT WEEK and I feel very YAY about BIRTHDAY!!!!!
+Breathing for Flick!Swish! which is somehow working, which is super cool and I’m pretty excited about its level of workingness in conjunction with Op: Decked Out.
+Breathing for Rocksteady, for the rocking and the steadiness, in Full Bloom. Yes, yes, yes.
Radiating gratitude, appreciation, love.
And now we welcome our Fake Band to the stage! Let’s give a big round of applause for: the Swooning Tomatoes!!!