Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
This week of rallying it up at Rally (Rally!) has completely thrown me off. I am astonished that it’s Sunday again already.
Thing 1: more action at the Frolicsome Bar.
Here’s what I want:
The Frolicsome Bar (FB) is what I call our facebook page for The Fluent Self.
It is so much more fun than I thought it would be. Ah, memories of past VPAs where I asked to get over all the internal crap that was getting in the way of setting it up to begin with…
We have 918 people there (neat!) and some lovely things happen there.
But I’d like to use it more, and have other people use it more, and have more people there. How about 82 for now to bring it to an even thousand while I figure this thing out?
Ways this could work:
Not sure.
I can do some interviewing of myself (or Slightly Future Me) to brainstorm things that might be useful or interesting to post there.
We can just experiment.
Maybe I’ll ask the people at my Kitchen Table program who are wise and creative in many ways.
My commitment.
To pay attention to what comes up when I think about this.
To not force anything. To mess around with this in a way that is curious and playful.
Thing 2: bus pass!
Here’s what I want:
I’ve been totally putting this off and I’m not sure why.
Maybe one of those things where I’m building it up to be way more complicated than it is. Or thinking that it will force me into making decisions about my plans that I don’t want to make.
Also, I kind of loathe the bus.
But it needs to happen.
Ways this could work:
Giving my internal patterns detective the job.
Doing Shiva Nata on it to find out where the stuck is and what needs to happen.
Giving myself permission to put this up here even though all my monsters are thoroughly disapproving — Are you crazy? Do you really want people to know that you can’t even get a bus pass without running into all your crap?!
I am going to make a safe room for them and another one for the part of me who is in resistance. And we will get information that will help us take the next step, whatever it is.
My commitment.
To not push.
To not apologize.
It might turn out that there’s a really good reason for this. And maybe I don’t even have to know what it is.
I’m going to acknowledge pain and stuck when I encounter it, and then sneak around the edges.
Thing 3: receptivity
Here’s what I want:
Receiving things. Not something I’m very good at.
Especially when it comes to help, support, compliments, appreciation.
I’d like some insights on this and how it could begin to change.
Ways this could work:
I don’t know.
Planting the seed here and hoping to fractal flower the hell out of it this week.
My commitment.
As someone I adore says, “patience is a virtue but being patient kind of blows.”
I’m going to have to be patient with this one but I’m hating that right now, so instead my focus is going to be on noticing. I will notice things and track them and write down what I find.
Thing 4: planning a pirate queen holiday
Here’s what I want:
Oh oh oh oh oh I want a vacation so bad I can taste it.
And now it needs to happen before it becomes Emergency Vacation time.
Nervous laughter.
Ways this could work:
I’m determined to find out!
Maybe I will run away to visit Svevo in the woods.
Maybe I will just go dark for a while.
My commitment.
To combine this work with the receptivity thing and see what comes up.
To interview the me who has done this.
To interview the me who is dead set against this.
To make peace between these various parts of me so that we can all get on board with the mission. Whoooo!
And, of course, more Shiva Nata for insights, realizations and to see what the patterns look like.
Thing 5: we have two more spots for the July Rally!
Here’s what I want:
To find the two people who will be joining us for the amazing thing that is the July Rally. Rally!
Ways this could work:
I will try to remember to tell you guys Rally stories about how incredible the last one was.
My commitment.
To love and love and love some more.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted bright fingerless gloves in a primary color for teaching Shiva Nata. And Liz, who was at Rally #9, offered to make me some. Thank you!
The second want was about teaching Shiva Nata at Derby Daze, and I completely spaced out on this. So I’m going to re-ask and think about this a little differently.
I wanted help spreading the word about my Shiva Nata snack preview sneak picnic freebie call, and there are one hundred and fifty people signed up. So thank you for helping me spread the word, and please keep helping!
And I wanted appreciation and a new pattern related to it. Still working on that one.
But you know what was neat? I do coordination and agility training (cough, Shiva Nata!) for the roller derby girls, and they are so very appreciative of what I do with them. So maybe I just need to look to other sources to find out what’s going on with this pattern. We’ll see!
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
Stuff I’d rather not have:
The word “manifest”. To be told how I should be asking for things. To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given unsolicited advice.
Much love for your gwishes! So happy to have you doing this with me.
Thing 1: Idea Center
Here’s what I want:
A super deluxe corkboard/whiteboard/photo holder thing that’s Just Right to be a bucket for thoughts, ideas, dreams, inspirations, etc. But it has to be the *right* super deluxe corkboard/whiteboard/photo holder thing.
Ways this could work:
– I could see something on a crafty site or blog that solidifies the picture of this in my mind so I can build it
– I could interview myself to better define what “Just Right” means for this project, so that I’m better prepared to know it when I see it
My commitment:
To keep open-minded thinking on this, and to not spend money on maybes in the meantime so that this want doesn’t make backwards progress on my decluttering goals
Thing 2: Safety for Monsters
Here’s what I want:
I have a Big Possibility that has recently entered in my life that is very exciting, but the Monsters aren’t happy about it. I want to help them see how this possibility is worth trying at.
Ways this could work:
– I could have conversations with them, so they feel heard and counted and acknowledged and safe.
– I could finally buy the Monster coloring book, which I’ve been eyeing like a kid drooling at the candy store window 🙂
My commitment:
To keep working with the Monsters and keep them in the loop. They get the most rowdy when they don’t know what’s going on.
I was just thinking how I need also a place to consolidate my head which tends to scatter around four or five notebooks, two electronic calendars, four email accounts and a board.
I had been thinking for months and months whether I should invest in a gadget. I’ve been resisting it so much on principle but this chaos couldn’t go on so I caved in.
So here’s what I want:
To use the tool that will help me spend less time looking for notes and more time doing what is written on said notes WITHOUT GUILT.
Ways this could work:
I could begin transferring the coolest projects into it and see them neatly colored and labeled.
I could use simply jump up and down and say: weee! new toy!
I could put on my calendar the 30 day return limit. Knowing I can return it even after I’ve tried it might just ease the process of adoption.
My commitment
To be aware of how I’m using it.
To lovingly try to stop justifying that i *need* it. I need it, period.
Last night, I had the most vivid dream about “accidentally” buying myself a last-minute plane ticket to join a rally!
[background info – that’s a 10-hour-or-so flight from here, here being belgium].
In the middle of the dream, I realized the real-life-fact of having a big presentation in Italy this very same week and spent most of the rest of the dream between meeting really interesting people at the rally (one or two people i already knew happened to be there) and worrying about how to get back to the presentation on time.
Just thought I’d share that for fun.
The VPA of the week – happy bubbles and confidence and playfulness for this presentation. I am so nervous. But I figure this dream has to mean something about playfulness and the big colorful charts I dreamt up. I’d love for the presentation to be about the process not the end result and to include the audience and to be fun and not disappoint the person who invited me.
Ways this could work
I could converse with the monsters, write a little love letter to the presentation, have a mini rally in the house and plant happyness in my heart.
My commitment
to remember this is not the mountain of mordor.
to not take this too seriously
to be as gentle as i can on myself
sparkle stars all around 🙂 and greetings to the playground
Thing 1: Smooth and Comfortable Travel
Here’s what I want:
I go on vacation on Thursday – yay! The travel arrangements are a little complicated, with multi-city plane tickets, and meeting up with various people at various times. Not to mention the basic fact of dealing with airports and long flights. So – I would really love for this travel experience to be full of smoothness and comfort.
Ways this could work:
It just could. Traffic could flow with ease. Flights could run on time. Everyone could be where they need to be when they need to be there. There could be upgrades. 🙂
My commitment.
To be as patient as I can be, and to forgive myself if that isn’t always as patient as I wish it was.
To remember sovereignty, and not let others’ stress bleed into my headspace.
To keep in mind that all the good of a trip to Hawaii (squee!) and spending time with loved ones trumps the hard of minor bumps along the way.
Thing 2: Harmony
Here’s what I want:
I will be vacationing with my mom and my brother. Which will be awesome, of course. I mean, I adore both of them. And as families go, we’re pretty functional. Still, I’m an adult now, and so is my brother. We’ve both turned into our own people, and while we still have many things in common – both with each other and with our parents – there are more differences than there used to be. We all live very far away from each other, so we are no longer part of each other’s daily lives. Which means we haven’t really had a lot of chances to explore the changed dynamic between us.
Right. So, what I’m asking for on this trip is harmony. I want us all to get along, and enjoy each other’s company. I want to avoid channeling my teenage self. I want to be comfortable with who I am now, and to love who they are now.
Ways this could work:
I can be mindful of the energy that I am bringing into the situation.
I can be mindful of the difference between my stuff and their stuff.
I can remember that now is not then.
I can practice non-violent communication.
I can appreciate sovereignty – mine and theirs.
My commitment.
To be conscious of all the things I love about my brother and mother.
To be as patient as I can.
To notice and appreciate when harmony is happening.
Thing 3: Financial Smoothness
Here’s what I want:
With me gallivanting off to Hawaii, and my husband being stuck at home, there is potential for miscommunication re: the state of our bank accounts. I would really love to have all the bills get paid, and for both of us to have plenty of money when and as needed, with no overdrafts.
Ways this could work:
We could communicate really, really clearly about this both before and during the trip.
I could set up the automatic bill pay for all the relevant bills due until well after I return.
Other ways?
My commitment.
To do Shiva Nata around my patterns on “enough”.
To communicate as clearly and kindly as I am able.
To appreciate what we have.
Thing 4: Faith & Mental Ease
Here’s what I want:
While I am away, my husband will be taking care of our cat, of whom I might be a wee bit overprotective. I would like to not spend my week having panic attacks that something horrible will happen to Echo while I am gone, and that I will never see her again, and then I will never forgive my husband, and our marriage will crumble and, and, and…
Yeah, I would like to not do that. Please.
I would like to be easy in my mind about the whole thing, and have faith that my loved ones (feline and otherwise) are safe and well, even when I’m not there to watch over them.
Ways this could work:
I have no idea.
My commitment.
To do Shiva Nata on this too.
To be open to the experience of faith and mental ease.
Update on Last Time:
Last time I asked for financial smoothness (hey, wait a minute – sensing a pattern here) around some potential checking account drama, and I got it. Everything processed the way I was hoping it would, no drama, no negative balance – yay! I also asked for spaciousness to help make a busy week feel comfortable – and it completely worked – huge yay. My last ask was to reconnect with the essence of what I do. Mmm. I would say there has been progress around the edges of that one.
Have a wonderful week everybody!
Yay! VPA!
Havi – I totally get the “bus pass” decision/issue/trauma. Is there nothing too inconsequential for our stuck/monsters to bother with?
Thing 1:
Take care of myself by finding a medical person (Dr.? Nutritionist? Other?) to talk to about all the stuff going on in my body. Because I think it is all related in some way that I haven’t figured out yet.
Ways this could happen:
– I need to understand why this is so hard for me.
– I could just do it.
– Maybe I could talk to future me who is taking care of herself and is healthy, or on the road to healthy and see if she has any tips.
– Maybe I could be nice to the “stuck” parts of me and then she would cooperate?
– Maybe I am scared and need to talk to scared me.
My committment:
– To open myself up to understanding what is going on around this issue.
– To be compassionate with myself.
Thing 2:
Thing 2 is really THING 1 AND ALL THINGS:
Money is the issue. I would like to be able to just assess where I am. I don’t have to figure it all out yet, but I really need to get a grip on this, it is clouding everything and making me anxious, sad, grouchy, defensive, scared, helpless, hopeless, victim-ish, needy, weak, dumb, depressed, etc. All bad.
Ways this could work:
– Ack! My body doesn’t even want this to be written down…
– Again, I could talk to future me who has done this and find out how she did it — emotionally and practically.
– I could write about it.
– I could ask for help?
– I could call in a negotiator and work some shit out with my monsters/wall-o-doom.
My committment:
– I like the negotiator idea…
– I will write about his even though it is horribly uncomfortable despite the fact that I’m the only one who has to read it.
– I will have compassion for myself, this is a huge, lifelong issue.
– I will build a force field around me and throw out other people’s stuff, while protecting myself.
– To notice what feelings are coming up and to pay attention to my physical state.
Wishing you all a great week 🙂
@Havi, I’m a Social Media Strategist (I prefer Social Content Stylist, but I don’t get to name my own job just yet) and a giant fan of yours. Would you like me to help you come up with some ideas and content to drum up more Frolicsome action? Not for money, of course, just for the warm fuzzies of getting to work with you.
My VPA…
What I want: to take really good care of myself, and not freak out about it.
As in, I want to start some better patterns of just basically being as nice to myself as I would be to… just about anyone else. Because right now I’m pretty horrible to myself. But it scares me to think about actually making that my priority.
How it could work:
I could freak out a little, but keep breathing and take a second to remind myself why this is actually a good idea.
I could enlist some friends as helper mice to remind me of what I’m trying to do.
I could get good enough results early on with the experiment that it gets easier as I go along.
My commitment:
To give myself a chance. Seriously. And not go back to punishing myself at the first sign of imperfection.
I’ve been anxiously awaiting the VPAs this week because I had a big thing to ask for, but I already got it! Maybe just thinking about asking was enough.
I (we, including my business partner) are now not only incorporated in Canada, and have a sparkly new name (Passionately You) but we found a warehouse and a fulfillment center!! woohoo! And it wasn’t hard. None of it. Thanks Rally! And Shiva flailing.
-back to occasional lurking. *grin
Thing 1: Putting Big Project X to rest for a while
Here is what I want:
The ability to let it sit and not feel guilty that I should be working on it.
Ways it could happen:
-I could notify others that I need to put it aside for a bit.
-I could tell myself that I have not taken a month off from academic projects since 2001 so I have already earned this respite.
-A super simple solution that I have not thought of.
My commitment:
-To tiptoe up to my monsters who don’t want me to take a break and chat with them. Or slip them an Ambien. Or slip myself an Ambien.
Thing 2: A new eye doctor
Here is what a want:
-an eye doctor that practices in my town. (My eye doctor practices in North Dakota and I just don’t get back there very often any more)
Ways this could work:
-I could just do it. (maybe it is not as much hassle as I think it is going to be)
-If it is a giant hassle I could give myself a reward after I locate one and secure an appointment.
My commitment:
-To try to pay attention to why I am avoiding this in the first place.
Thing 3: To start getting ready for Prague
Here is what I want:
-To start moving on my to do list because I am headed to Prague on the first and will be gone a month. Giant list of crap to do!!!
Ways this could work:
-just do one thing
-see what I can outsource to my husband
-leave cookies out for the packing gnomes
My commitment:
-to make a little progress on this starting now, so it all doesn’t fall to the last minute
-to be curious as to why I am avoiding packing for a super fun month abroad
Cheers to all.
I asked for Rally to be “amazing, inspiring, insight-sparking, fun, crazy, loving”…
It was. I committed to keeping the attitude that “nothing sucks” and nothing did. There were bumps in the road but they were small ones.
Even losing my laptop at security in Portland turned into an amusing story when they found it after insisting that I must have forgotten it at the hotel. And the six-hour layover in Denver which was stretched to eight hours by a system shutdown was not a problem, because they had a Special Services center where some recliners folded down into flat beds, they provided blankets and pillows, and I was able to sleep through much of the wait.
Some of the good stuff was because of planning but a lot of it was because of attitude and serendipity.
On to this week!
What I want:
Thing 1: To maintain the Rallitude! To continue to explore my patterns, to have conversations with different parts of myself, to wear my crown.
Thing 2: To follow up on the insights and epiphanies and realizations that I had at Rally.
Thing 3: To continue to have insights and epiphanies and realizations.
Ways this could work:
I can spend a lot of time with my notes.
I can talk about it to people who get it.
I can wear my crown.
I can act on the insights and epiphanies and realizations, which will reinforce them and encourage more of them.
I can create safe places for them.
My commitment:
To think and explore.
To try things.
To be gentle and loving.
To take action.
To remember that attitude is important.
To be thankful.
Sending love to all of you and your gwishes.
Yay VPAs! Wishing you a fabulous Pirate Queen vacation! <3
thing #1: Shiva Nata teacher training and September Rally
Even admitting I want this is hard, I’ve been talking myself out of this since Havi announced it. But the sheer awesomeness of the Dance of Shiva we did at Rally this week made me see how great this could be. Even though my money monsters insist that it’s greedy and impossible.
Ways this could work:
+ I could do more things to sell my art.
+ I could come up with more tech consulting projects
+ I could dig up my buried treasure (a.k.a. the IRA from my old job).
My commitment:
+ To talk things over with my money monsters and try to discover what they need to feel safe about this.
+ To flail around on it.
+ To ask slightly future me for her advice.
thing #2: studio space
Rally also showed me how much I’m craving spaciousness. I do love how fabulous I am at living in tiny weird spaces and making them work. But so many things would go more smoothly with space to spread out – art-making, Dance of Shiva, daily life! And I can see how the ritual of going to another place to do them could be useful.
The space needs to be in my town, close enough that it’s no big deal to get there by foot or by Vespa. And it needs to be affordable, although I’m not precisely sure what that means right now.
Ways this could work:
+ I could hear about it from somebody
+ I could see it listed online
+ I could happen to pass by on the street!
+ some other mysterious way
My commitment:
+ More chats with monsters and future me.
+ To visit my friend’s studio space and feel it out, investigating the particulars of this desire
+ To continue mentally sorting my art stuff and furniture into “home” and “studio”
Last Time
I asked for knowledge surrounding my MSc choices.
No info yet, but I did email the admin people to find out.
Here’s What I Want:
Rest. Enough time and space to get through the next few weeks; weeks where i’ve kind of over-booked everything.
Resilience and capacity. I want to notice when I need time off.
Without becoming ill; please. And to know how I should give myself space at that time.
Ways This Can Work:
I could schedule people-free time.
Take my book/music everywhere so I can always escape for a minute.
…
My Commitment:
To be open.
To try and relax about it.
To notice when I can.
Thank you for telling us that you can’t even get a bus pass without running into your stuff. I feel more confident and hopeful and find it easier to accept myself when I realise that you have these problems too. xxx
Next weekend is our annual weekend-long house party. Friends and family come to stay with us, crashing on our couches or pitching their tents in our backyard. We provide food, drink, and entertainment all weekend long. Most years, I dread it and dread it, and then end up enjoying myself. Last year, I had a horrible time.
What I want: To be able to enjoy myself and like myself at this year’s gathering, while still fulfilling my role as a good host.
How this can happen: Make a point of getting enough rest, and not just rest but actual sleep. Process the process — check in with myself, encourage my monsters to speak freely instead of muttering at the subliminal level. In the days leading up to this weekend, bring my concerns into my Shiva Nata practice, and see what arises. Also — and this just popped into my head while I was working on my VPA, and it feels surprising but important — I can make sure that I get enough physical, sensual, mindful pleasure during the course of the weekend. There simply has to be time for that.
My commitment: I will breathe. I will do my morning pages first thing each morning, before plunging into the current of the party. I will talk to my guests, and I will listen to them.
Into the pot!
Last week I asked for rest, and I did get it, to an extent. This weekend, I took at least two naps (maybe three?), and I had barely anything scheduled. Still, I didn’t get as much sleep as I needed, resulting in feeling cranky and sad yesterday evening and this morning.
So here’s what I want: I want to sleep a lot this week — like between eight and ten hours each night. I want to graciously give that to myself, and feel as little guilt as possible about it.
Ways this could work: Hmm. I know there’s something deeper here than simply, “going to bed earlier”. There seem to be some things coming up around allowing myself to rest, and feeling like I’m having enough non-sleep time to myself. I could consciously work with myself to reduce the time I spend on “relaxing” activities I use to postpone sleep. I could incorporate more fun into the actual sleep. I’m not sure how, though. Maybe there’s some funky meditation that helps you to have magical dreams? I dunno. I could remember that my days are able to contain more good stuff when I get a good, long sleep. I could tidy my bedroom and make it even more inviting than it already is.
My commitment: To be as nice and doting as I can to myself, instead of whacking myself over the head with “shoulds” about sleep. To inquire about what I’m actually needing, even if I don’t figure that out just yet. To be as conscious as possible throughout this process. To allow this issue to not be “solved” immediately. To be open to the possibility that this is simply an indication that I’m not getting what I need, instead of a symptom that needs fixing.
Wishing everybody a very happy week!
wanted:
curiosity instead of this grief. peace instead of this confusion. calm instead of this hell. noticing instead of this weeping. grace instead of this dismay. steadiness instead of this reeling. quiet instead of this wailing and whimpering. duct tape to wrap around myself so I don’t just crack open and spill out and break.
ways this could work: i haven’t the faintest idea. someone could remind me what one does here.
my commitment. to wait 5 minutes. or 1 minute. or 30 seconds. and to then wait again.
Ohhh, weekend’s weekend, hello!
gwish: to get to the SN teacher training
gwish: to get to a rally!
VPA: smoothness of this weekend. I have a class, my sweetie needs both cars for business. What I would like: to have the class go well and easily, to have my sweetie have what she needs and me have what I need.
Ways this could work: her uncle could find a car. We could rent a car. A miracle could occur.
My commitment: to stay calm, to stay open to the process, to dance on it, to remember no matter how complicated it will only happen once.
VPA: smoothness of financial transition. It’s an upward financial transition. May it go well.
WTCW: oh I don’t know. lots of work in the soft.
My commitment: to do said work.
happy week to all!
I got my gwish last week! With what felt like suspiciously little effort on my part. Seriously. It was odd. I kind of just showed up and everything went smoothly more or less on its own.
Two weeks ago I gwished for writing. This week I’m gwishing for some clarity on my relationship with writing and why it’s so darn hard sometimes and why I kind of love it and kind of hate it and am also compelled to do it and can’t stop even though most of the time I feel like I don’t want to.
Some detangling of all that would be nice. Not like, complete and total resolution of all my issues. But progress? Yes. Some progress.
Ways this could work:
– I could mull over it really intensely for a few minutes and then forget about it and let my subconcsious go to work.
– I could ask myself questions and interact with resistance instead of just sneaking around it with timeboxing and other tricks.
– Some clues could suddenly occur to me while I’m doing something else
– I could get clearer on exactly what I want to change in my relationship with writing.
My commitment:
– To pause and notice resistance when it arrives.
– To journal about this
I appear to be writing a VPA on a Sunday, something I didn’t even know was possible! Hurrah! Oh. It’s now Tuesday. Oops.
Update on previous VPA – I think the last time I wrote I wanted enough energy to make it through the week. As the week passed, I must have done it, but I’m still running low. I’m trying terribly hard to be gentle with myself, but it appears to be much harder than it first seems.
What I would like this week: To work out why I am so terrified of signing up to a Pilates class. My physio wants me to sign up, I know it will do me good, it may even make me less hurty. I don’t understand why I can’t bring myself to do it.
How this could work: I could perhaps interview myself, Havi style to find out what is actually the matter. I don’t think it’s actually Pilates, I think there is something else at work. I could give myself a stern talking to and just do it. I could stop thinking of it as a piece of homework, and start thinking of it as a treat. I could stop feeling so tired every time I think about it (ah, interesting). I could suddenly want to do it. I could bribe myself to do it by offering a reward when I’ve done something about it. Someone could do it for meIamsotiredoforganisingandIdon’twantotodoitwhatifIfailwhatifitdoesn’tworkIamleftwithnothingarrrrghhhh!!!
Oh!
Hmm.
My Commitment: I think I’m going to try to be nice to myself and acknowledge that this is just another step and it’s never really going to be a binary thing this, so it will help or it won’t, but nothing is going to fix me right now. Which means it and I can’t fail. Perhaps I will drop some people emails, so I don’t have to speak to them on the phone and admit my body is not well *cringe* in person. I have filled in a form just now. Excellent.
*small voice* I made everything look wierd. Sorry about that!
“It might turn out that there’s a really good reason for this. And maybe I don’t even have to know what it is.”
So, so, SO helpful. Yes.
Also, “I loathe the bus” makes me think of “16 Candles.” Hee hee.
hmm… I had this window open all day with a comment in it and wanted to VPA, but there was no VPA that came. Must exam that relationship with wanting things again.