Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Thing 1: my Rally project!
Here’s what I want:
I have this very insistent idea for a project that I want to work on at Rally (Rally!), which starts tomorrow. Yay! Rally!
But of course Rally always has its own magic, and more often than not the project that wants to be rallied is not the one you thought it was.
So I want to be receptive to this taking many possible forms, and I’d also like to plant some seeds about how much I care about this particular piece of project.
Ways this could work:
I am doing it right now.
The rest I’ll give to Shiva Nata and Rally (Rally!) and let it unfold.
My commitment.
To remember the fractal flowers. To find tiny signs. To love this project and let it know that it is loved, whether it wants to meet me now or later.
Thing 2: progress on a thing!
Here’s what I want:
I’m working on this new version? incarnation? re-imagining? of an old thing we used to do.
And it’s fun! And also kind of driving me crazy.
I guess it’s time to figure out what that’s about.
Ways this could work:
Let’s see.
Maybe slightly future me has some insights. I can do some stone skipping too.
And of course I can flail on it.
My commitment.
What if all the rules I’ve made up about why this can’t happen now are wrong? What if they’re monster rules?
I’m going to pay attention, build some safe rooms and do a little gentle poking about at the edges.
Thing 3: RELEASE
Here’s what I want:
This is the quality I’ve been working with over the past few days, and I’m ready to go a bit deeper.
Safety first, of course. As always. And with sovereignty. But that’s what I’m working on.
Ways this could work:
I’m putting it here.
I’m going to ask smart, loving, curious questions and keep messing around with it.
Release from blame. Release from old rules, ideas, ways of being. Releasing internal restrictions and external projections.
And releasing the need to do things in the old, familiar-but-not-working-anymore way.
I’m also going to use the Things I Saw Today ritual that I’ve been doing at the Frolicsome Bar as a way of bringing more attention to different parts of my day.
My commitment.
To notice — without thinking that the thing I currently happen to be noticing defines who I am.
To lovingly notice. If I can. And to give myself time if I can’t.
Thing 4: to write about dread
Here’s what I want:
So. I have all these things to say about dread.
It’s time to write some of them down.
Ways this could work:
At Rally?
At a cafe?
I don’t know.
My commitment.
To do lots of Shiva Nata until all the pieces come together.
To not put a deadline on this. Some things need to percolate, and my job here is not to force it but to discover what’s there.
Small snort from monsters and a request that I be a bit more bitchy because they miss mean-me.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Okay. I wanted systems help, and it showed up in a very different form than what I was expecting. So now I need more systems help, but it’s not what I thought.
This is going to require some flexibility. I’m hoping that this work I’m doing with RELEASE will help.
Then I wanted a holiday before Rally started. And I got it! Three whole days of it! Thank you, VPAs.
I was working on a practice of releasing judgment, and it was absolutely fascinating.
Some parts were very easy for me: “Huh, I just made a judgment and it’s not necessarily true, helpful or relevant, so I’m going to separate from it.”
Some parts were not easy at all. Apparently I really do think that ordering hot chocolate in a bar is an Unforgivable Sin, as it turned out.
Anyway, most of my harshest judgments are aesthetic and/or alcohol-related, and it was fairly entertaining noticing some of the patterns at play there. I’m definitely keeping some of them — no point in releasing all of it… 🙂
I was a bartender for five years and some habits just don’t die. Also I’m pretty sure that even the Dalai Lama makes fun of people who make unacceptable drink orders. Okay, he doesn’t. But he just beamed at me anyway.
And I wanted two weeks of Shiva Nata posts and I’ve written two — most recently this one about how you are never done.
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
Things that are welcome! Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
xox
A few things for the pot:
1. A productive, beautiful rally with its own magic. And if it happens to accomplish all the things I’m dreaming for it too, than fine.
2. Difficult news! I would like to be able to relate it with compassion. And in general I’d like to experience a sense of ease and flow with those two people, instead of all the stuck and blaming I’ve been in.
3. The apartment. Well, I want our applications to go through so we can move. But behind that is wanting safety, sanctuary, beauty, power, love… So I’m open to however that has to happen.
4. Honesty. I want to know more about it. Especially confession. Some untangling of what feels good to share and what I want to keep back and how that all works with other people and my own power.
THiNG oNE : To get my completed logo illustration this week and have it be everything I dreamed about – or better.
Ways this could work – It’s pretty much up to M at this point. So hopefully my illustration fairies are clearing the path for her to her it done.
My commitment – To be clear on what I want and not be intimidated by the fact that she is a biggified artist.
THiNG tWO: To finish the practitioner info package and send it out by Tuesday.
Ways this could work – Tomorrow afternoon is dedicated to this quest
My commitment – To finish at least the first drafts of the 2 hardest pages tomorrow, with polishing to happen on tuesday before sending. And to fill this package with professionalism, support and acceptance so that there’s no growing pains backlash.
THiNG tHREE: A healthy weightloss plan that I love
Ways this could work – I think I’m close to discovering the pieces that will work for me. This weeks SN is dedicated to a clearer solution – what do I need to eat, how do I need to move, what else is in my way.
My commitment: This is important for the me that will be biggified, so I’m taking this on as a second job right now. Morning’s are dedicated to self care, research, meal planning, food prep, exercise etc.
THiNG fOUR: My 100 000 dollar idea
Ways this could work: D could be back from vacation this week and contact me for a chat. Or I could book a session with B and E
My commitment: To remove the anxiety by reminding myself I don’t need an answer right thus minute. To keep going in the direction I’m going and know that it will show up. To SN it.
My comm
Thing 1: Time and space for my tiny sweet thing to bloom.
Ways this could work:
I could sit with it during my SN meditation.
I could add specific pieces to my What I Want to Accomplish Lists
I could Review my notes so far to perhaps plant new idea seedlings.
My commitment:
To pay attention
To be open to both flow and new ideas
To getting a feel for when, whenever that is…
Thing 2: Peopling my west coast trip, I’ll be spending almost 2 weeks on the west coast and want to meet as many of my lovely internet friends as I can.
Ways this could work:
I can mention it here
I can mention it on Twitter
I can reach out and contact specific people
My commitment:
To allow it to happen
To put myself out there and be open, without expectation
To do a little dance every time I make a date.
It’s been so long since I’ve done this, I’m not sure what my last one was. Hugs toyou all. And Havi, I’ll order hot chocolate anyplace I can find it on the menu. I’m also really bad at bars and good with that. 🙂
GWISHES!
*** smooth traveling
including some time to prepare for traveling
permission to buy a new and functioning and fitting traveling bag
*** the beginning of packing up the house
that would make me feel fantastic
*** recovery times & hiding in a cave
i am still so sad about lost time – i’d like to be nice to myself and enjoy the last weeks and also – the fact that they are the last weeks
Last week I just basked in the glory of a VPA that was answered from out of no where and with something completely different than what I had been asking for. And it was beautiful.
This week:
I need the money by the day to pay the thing. And all the other usual things. Ways this could work: I could breakdown how those funds can come in by my work, and then I could do the work. Also, a chunk of semi-unexpected money could come in. My commitment: to put the work on the calender and then do the work. Also, to do the marketing stuff.
I want more yoga classes this week. I have my unlimited summer class pass, which means funds aren’t an issue. My house is clean and shiny, which means “I really need to go home and clean” is not an issue. The class is early tonight which means “I’ll get home too late” doesn’t hold water. And since “I need time to wind down” really means “I want to get lost in the tubes of the internet and not feel anything” that’s not going to work either. My commitment: to bring my yoga clothes with me today and schedule work until I have no choice but to stay at the office until it’s time to go across the street to yoga.
I need to eat more vegetables. I have this thing where I think I don’t like them. And before I eat them, the thought of eating them grosses me out. And the more I think about them, the more they gross me out. But after eating them I generally feel better. I need to trick myself into eating them.
Ways this could work: I could make a list with check boxes for vegetables since I like to check things off of lists. I could ignore the pressure of “recommended servings” and just being 1 carrot stick, 1/2 cucumber and 2 kale leaves and not worry about it. I could blend veggies up with almond milk and drink them.
My commitment: to make the list, to bring 2 vegetables to work. To eat the vegetables instead of just putting them in vases and using them as bouquets.
I also want more: biking, clean house, concentrated working, flat fee clients.
I want less: internet, cluttering, money fog.
I wrote VPAs in my diary and I won’t copy it to here, I’ll just say, “Into the pot!”
I’ve been thinking, what if I tried to Rally on my own, here at home? What if I set aside one week a month to do the things we did at Rally, to do Shiva Nata and old Turkish lady yoga, to meditate, to skip stones, and to play with my ideas? What would be missing would be the other people doing their prrrojects. Oh, and the city of Portland and the wonderful hotel I stayed at.
I’m going to try it this week and see what happens. See you at the Chicken!
@Havi Roger loud and clear on the fascination of releasing judgment thing. (I’ve been playing with 3rd chakra shadows lately.)
@Hannah Thanks for doing Gwishes. I have such a hard time with VPAs because I always try to come up with things that can be accomplished in one week. Which, of course, is not the point anyway but I can’t help but do it that way (which is why I normally don’t VPA).
Gwishes:
– my dormant 501(c)3 will become something productive
– better relationship with aging parents
– fitting yoga teacher training into my schedule (and finding a training that fits for me and my philosophy and goals)
– integrating my professional life, personal life, and yoga life (it feels dumb to write this since duh!!! that is the point of a yoga practice in the first place)
– productive exploration of my relationship with wanting a stable career versus my want of getting out of a job environment that is just mediocre for me
Holy Carp, VickiB! AT HOME RALLY. What an insanely wonderful idea.
Okay. Gwishes, since VPAs feel…oh I don’t know. Cumbersome, maybe?
-More dance practice, por favor. I’ve been lagging behind. Why is it that when you almost get everything packed into the day, something squeaks out? Like shoving bars of soap into a box (that’s a sad, sad, little metaphor).
-Money. I know, I know. I ask for this constantly. But it would be lovely to get back to the yoga studio. At home practice is generally okay, but I miss that class.
-BIGGIE: Comfort and assurance in my writing. I’m feeling insecure right now. I keep hearing that I should take solace in my art, but what do you do when your art makes you quake in your boots? I want to write a bunch of stories and sell them all, but I’m still sitting here chomping on my nails and feeling afraid.
I will do some Shiva Nata and Havi’s Fairy Dust Technique thingy. Really, I just have a horde of “YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!” Monsters coming at me. With pitchforks.
So what this boils down to is needing love and assurance (yes, I did figure that out just as I was typing). I’ma go get some now.
Whoa, VPA time again already! Ok then.
First — I need to really throw myself into my work this week. As in, the horses are coming, so you better run! That kind of feeling. I need inspiration and focus and energy for it.
How this could happen — I could stick to the morning yoga/affirmations routine that seems to be helping me. I could have fun with my projects and remind myself that I really like my work and it’s full of interesting challenges. I could give myself permission to get stuck and remember that being stuck is sometimes an opportunity to figure out a new way of doing it (whatever “it” is).
My commitment — to keep feeling okay with myself for trying regardless of how many actual words get written. To not turn work into a punishment.
What else I want: a new part-time job to replace my incredibly sucky existing part-time job.
How this could happen: I could keep applying to postings online. I could keep talking to everyone I know about it. Something could just magically fall in my lap.
My commitment: to not get discouraged! I know it sometimes takes a long time, and that’s not a reflection on me and how awesomely qualified I am, it’s just the way things are for everyone right now.
I have to say, I’m really loving the Things I Saw Today ritual at the Frolicsome bar! I’m on FB more than I’d like, but when I see Fluent Self updates, it kind of brings me back to where I’d like to be (noticing and being still, rather than trolling around for all the gossip).
Update on my last VPA: I wanted some release from worry. I do believe I got it to some extent. Some pockets here and there. What’s more important to me, I’m realizing, is that I re-energized some of the those practices that help alleviate the seemingly constant worry. Legs up the wall, journaling (I want to do more, though), breathing.
Here’s my next VPA: body awareness.
This can work by committing to regular exercise again, even if it IS hampered by my feet issues. I can stop throughout the day and just pay attention to what I’m experiencing. I can look into tai chi or some other non-impact movement-oriented activity to promote awareness. I can pledge to eat carefully and mindfully this week.
My commitment is to pay close attention to what I *can* do and my body’s capacity. I might spend some time rethinking my relationship to pain, if it lends itself to mindfulness and not worry. I will see the doctor for a follow-up tomorrow and ask lots of questions about what I’m allowed to do now. I will focus on movement and expansiveness rather than limits and restrictions.
Equilibrium. That’s what I’m looking for this week, the very tangible physical variety. That’s doable, right? Right?! 🙂
How? Not really sure. Being good to my body. Endeavor to eat a bit better. Keep working out. Go for more walks. Rest when I need it instead of pushing on.
A significant part of this may be paying attention to my body without paying *too much* attention to it. Hyper-awareness has been driving me a bit crazy of late.
Commitment: Patience with myself. Gentleness if I notice I’m obsessing over things: to notice, hopefully let it go without judgment, making room for my mind to think about something else.
Here’s my ask:
I want a car. One I will love as much as I loved Sassy or Kiapet. It will run well and need minimal maintenance and be easy to park.
WTCW: I could have a huge flood of business and suddenly have car buying funds. I could pull together a product launch and quickly generate car buying funds. I could win the lotto. I could win a contest. I could get a car as a gift. I could have something magic happen.
MC: To stay aware of car obtaining opportunities. To seriously explore biz events that will generate car buying amounts of money. To dance on it and see if I think of something. To make a safe comfortable place for the car fairy so she feels welcome.
Happy gwishing everyone!
Thing 1: Good NYC Trip
Here’s what I want:
I’m off to NYC on Friday for a good friend’s bridal shower and bachelorette party. I would like the travel itself to have ease and comfort and spaciousness. I would like all the arrangements for the parties to have smoothness. I would like there to be love and joy and good will in all the social interactions.
Ways this could work:
I can just trust that it will.
I can be as patient as possible with myself and others.
I can remind myself to relax and enjoy the moment – and forgive myself when that is hard.
My commitment:
To remind myself of my intentions for this trip.
To ask myself what I need and take steps to see that I get it.
Thing 2: Ease and comfort in my body
Here’s what I want:
I have been dealing with various nagging physical discomforts lately. I would very much like for them to go away and be replaced by a sense of ease in my body. I would like to have a better understanding of what I can do to support my body and give it what it needs.
Ways this could work:
Fractal flowers – I can give my body loving attention and trust that this will be beneficial on many levels.
I can make rest a priority.
I can write love letters to my body.
My commitment:
I will try the three ideas I just typed. 🙂
I will do my best to meet myself where I am, and not berate myself because I’m not perfect Right Now.
Thing 3: Restful day today
Here’s what I want:
Today is really my one quiet day this week. I would like to come out of it feeling rested, refreshed. I would like to feel excited about the rest of my week, not exhausted by it.
Ways this could work:
Naps.
Audiobooks.
Remembering that my primary intention for the day is to rest.
My commitment.
If my eyes feel strained, I will stop using them for awhile.
I will move as slowly as is comfortable.
I will tell my comfy new mattress how much I appreciate it.
Thing 4: Financial ease
Here’s what I want:
Money’s looking tight heading into this week and this trip. I would like to find there is enough, not only for what needs to happen, but also for what is wanted. I would like to experience ease and lightness and faith around this topic.
Ways this could work:
I can keep playing habits detective and approach my relationship with money in a playful and curious way – and take notes!
I can have a conversation with the monster that says that I must get instant gratification on everything I want or my life will be joyless and flat.
I could actually look at the numbers.
Shiva Nata!
My commitment.
To remind myself to be playful and curious, and that where I am now does not define me.
To notice and appreciate experiences of “enough” in my life.
Update on Last Time
Last time I asked for smooth and comfortable travel for my Hawaii vacation. Boy, did I ever get it! Upgrades on the Los Angeles – Honolulu flight AND on the Honolulu – Dallas flight. Awesome.
I also asked for harmony between myself and my brother and my mother while on this trip. I would have to say I got it to an admirable degree.
I asked for financial smoothness while my husband and I were apart, with no shortages or banking weirdnesses. I mostly got that. There were a couple of hiccups, but nothing earth shattering.
Finally, I asked for faith and mental ease that my husband would not lose and/or damage my cat while I was gone. And I got it – I really didn’t worry all week.
Hooray for the VPA’s!
Energy. Like Claire above me, the very tangible physical kind of energy. I’ve been feeling very drained lately. Maybe it’s a result of all the changes and maybe fear about being two and a half weeks away from my big race (19 days then I’m going really really far under Melssa Power)
So, ways that this could work – I eat right and stop eating out all the time seriously we ate at restaurants like 4 times this weekend we don’t do that. I drink lots of water. Naps. Physical and mental rest. Meditation? Going outside. I want to lie on the ground and fly a kite. I don’t know if that has a lot to do with energy, but it came to me, so maybe? Maybe I’m just in a state of overwhelm and need emotional rest with the physical? Maybe I can take a day off of work and see HP and rest? Cleaning my room – as in all the clutter and piles in the bedroom is making me restless and if it’s clean and neat maybe I’ll feel better?
My Commitment – To take care of myself and watch out for the things that sap my energy.
Also, that was a really long VPA with a lot of ways this could work, but this is good. Maybe I need to understand the root cause of the lack of energy to fix it.
I keep not posting here as I think my VPAs are too long. So today I’m experimenting with posting a looooooooong comment of VPAness.
VPA #1. Kindness to myself. I want to be kind to myself, to notice when this is hard and what stuff comes up.
How this could happen:
– use the KT
– dance the patterns
– Tarot
– journalling
– meeting myself where I am
My commitment:
– to notice
– to try
– to give myself space + time to be freaked out
– not to beat myself up if I can’t be kind to myself
VPA #2. Dissertation progress: I want to edit the chunk I have, read comments from supervisor on other piece, and make notes as to how the new timeline works. And I want to give myself time to do this to enjoy it. Not to feel I have to been done as quickly as possible to rush on to the next thing.
How this could happen:
– schedule time blocks in my diary
– this is my priority this week
– cafe! change of scene. Good for me as well as my characters.
My commitment:
– do this first
– stick to time schedule
– allow myself to rest and have breaks
VPA #3. Website stuff – install wordpress + theme.
How this could happen:
– schedule it!
– remember I’ve done it before, so I can do it again
– have support stuff on hand, and think what these are before I start
My commitment:
– take breaks
– belief!
I’m also enjoying the noticing stuff at the Frolicsome Bar — it is a great reminder to ground myself every once in a while for God’s sake.
V to the PAs….
Thing One:
I’m starting week #2 without any antidepressants (for the first time since, ummmm, 1997…? yikes.) and I’m feeling pretty good, mostly because I’m trying super hard to take care of myself. I would like to be able to keep this up this week even though I will be busy taking care of Mom and doing lots of family stuff.
WTCW:
– I could write down my intentions with respect to self care in the Book of Me. Writing stuff down always seems to make it more real.
– I could put sticky notes around the house with reminders of the things I need to do to take care of me.
– I could do some journalling re: my “issues” around self care. Why is it so hard to do something so basic and important?
– I could start keeping a food/mood journal. Or think about starting one a little longer…. 🙂
My committment:
I’m going to remain open and curious about how I can best take care of myself. I’m going to play around with it and take lots of notes. I’m going to be really nice to myself and acknowledge myself for doing this hard work.
Thing Two:
Mom’s birthday is this week and we are going to her farmhouse in SE Colorado (also known as “practically Kansas”) and we are having a big party for her this weekend. Lots of people/family/emotion around for several days. I would like to not freak out, not be a bitch and not run away screaming from my family.
WTCW:
– drugs and alcohol 😉
– it could be totally fine and fun
– people could respect my boundaries/limits/HSP-ness without trying to make me feel like an alien/loser/misfit
– i could respect my boundaries/limits/HSP-ness…
My committment:
I’m going to stop dreading this week and resolve to enjoy it. Plus I’m going to honor my needs in terms of alone-time + not sticking around when everyone starts to get wild and crazy and drunk and want to go shoot guns or something equally horrifying. I’m going to remember to be grateful for my family, despite their obsession with guns. (okay – that is really just my uncles, but they get everyone involved and riled up…)
Have a great week everyone!
What has happened since last week:
I did buy the ticket and oredered a credit card. Plus I had some very interesting insights, yay! Orkney I am coming!
What did not happen is: setting a goal for my retreat. But I will borrow this commitment from Havi to make it happen:
To remember the fractal flowers. To find tiny signs. To love this project and let it know that it is loved, whether it wants to meet me now or later.
And I would like to make a gwish:
I really want to spend less time in my day job.
I need to find other more fun ways to earn money. I need to believe in myself and in my talents and in the fact that my voice is unique and needed.
How can this happen?
I could create a safe space to let my tiny ideas grow.
I could do some more overtone singing to encourage inspiration to strike.
My commitment: Remember fractal flowers. (I absolutely love this idea!) To play wherever I want to. And to try things.
Ooooh I LOVE it when the Dalai Lama beams! Even though he has stepped down – maybe even particularly because he has stepped down? That kind of loving humility is so inspiring.
I don’t have a VPA this week but I do have a gwish! I am putting it out there that I want to attend the September Rally and figure out how that might work.
Love and spaciousness and sparkles of joy to all 🙂
Hi all, I’m late as usual 🙂
I’m noticing a lot of resistence to doing my VPA this week which is weird because I LOVE VPAs! That’s something to ponder over but in the meantime I can put that gently aside and do it anyway.
1. Rest
Oh ma gawd, I am so tired. All the time. I’m doing too much, for too many people and neglecting myself. My go to position is to cram my life full of Stuff and then in the “time left over” I take care of myself. This means days where I have all 3 main meals out of the vending machine and I hate it! So yeah, rest.
Commitment- to look at my schedule and to decide what is important. I’ve also heard great things about a book called 168 Hours so I’m going to investigate if there is anything to be learnt from that.
2. Flow
It’s all a bit too much of an effort at the moment. A lot of it is to do with being tired, but I don’t know, I feel out of sync with everything at the moment. This is sad for me.
Commitment- to stop? Looking at meditation classes… I suspect yoga has something to do with this too. But yeah, to stop every now and again.
3. Writing
Writing comes under the heading of Things I Do For Me When The Things I Do For Everyone Else Are Done.
This is unhelpful and means I don’t write. My commitment- to get enough sleep so I can write each morning before work.
All of this could be solved with a good nap!
Love and light to all x
Havi, I’m really glad that you have lots to say about dread. I’ve had a Dread Monster hanging around and looming, off and on, for quite some time.
Perhaps the best thing I can ask for this week is — well, I could express it two ways. I could ask that the situations haunted by dread be (please, please) not as horrible as I fear. (Addendum: Hey, Worry Monsters, I’d like you to know that creating Horrible Worst Case Scenarios of Doom, so that whatever actually happens can’t possibly be as bad as what you describe to me, is not as helpful as you seem to think. Seriously.)
Or — and maybe this is a better approach, certainly it’s a more comforting approach, which is probably a very good sign — I can ask for the strength, clarity, kindness (to myself and everyone around me) and inner peace to survive and thrive, come what may.
Yeah. That. That’s how I prefer to focus this week.
How this can happen: I can maintain my Pink Bubbly Shield (force field) and invoke its power whenever I feel the need for protection. I can flail. I can take one step at a time, and just keep taking one step at a time, until scary situations become more stable. Above all, I can focus on crafting my own actions and reactions, my own way of being in the world, rather than fret about my limited ability to bend the world around me.
My commitment: Keep up the essentials — acts of creativity, acts of love. Remember that they are always available to me. Trust that they can be enough.
I want Big Flaming Progress on the 2 (2!!) books I’m trying to write. I was using my children’s absence and making lots of progress and then…blah
What I want: Progress on my writing
Ways this could work: I could just SIT at the computer and open the file and starts noodling to prime the pump.
I could remember that my writing is not the least imprtant thing in the house.
I can refuse everyone’s demnds while I’m writing–this may actually be the start of some good re-education for THEM
I could Shiva Nata a bunch with this intent
My commitment: To keep going. To flail. To try every day to make progress. To be gentle when it doesn’t happen. To refuse to feel guilty because i’d rather write than run errands and do housework