Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Today some of my Very Personal Ads are for the world in addition to being for me.
But really, all Very Personal Ads are for the world.
That’s because they’re about our relationship with desire and our relationship with ourselves.
And as we pay attention to these relationships, we change how we interact with everything. Just throwing that into the pot. This week’s VPAs!
Thing 1: peacefulness in this time of pain, for anyone who needs it.
Here’s what I want:
That is what I want.
Ways this could work:
Reminding myself of my vast internal world and my vast internal resources. The places where peacefulness is as readily available as anything else.
Wishing it for the world. Not forcing it on anyone. Not whooshing it at people.
Just putting it into the world, so that it is there for anyone who wants to partake in it.
My commitment.
To breathe peacefulness.
To do some old Turkish lady yoga on this, and some Shiva Nata for the pattern-untangling parts.
To remember why this is important.
Thing 2: a gumball machine for the Playground.
Here’s what I want:
The Playground needs a coin-operated old-fashioned gumball machine, ideally on a wooden base. An old-timey candy-dispensing contraption!
It just does.
Ways this could work:
Maybe one of my people has seen one, heard of one or knows where one lives.
Maybe it will magically show up on Craigslist or something.
Maybe someone will come up with the perfect, simple solution.
My commitment.
To wish the wish and be receptive to the many ways that things could work out.
Thing 3: making separations easily and graciously
Here’s what I want:
In times of collective grief, pain, despair and challenge, it is very easy for me to get derailed.
I can slip into external grooves or get pulled into another orbit instead of staying in mine.
I have the tendency to let my own pain become amplified and merge with everyone else’s pain.
This is the downside (ha, one of them) to the many and shining gifts that come with being highly sensitive.
I have spent many years working on getting to know my superpowers and figuring out how to function with them. And the thing that is always true is this:
It is vital that I separate out my pain from everyone else’s pain. And that I release everything that isn’t mine.
This week involves making even more separations than usual. I would like this to happen easily and graciously.
Ways this could work:
I can do my rituals.
I can write about it.
I can make safe rooms.
I can play with creating closeness through intentional separations.
My commitment.
To take care of myself.
To remember that the majority of what I feel does not actually belong to me, and I can release it.
Thing 4: restocking the Toy Shop
Here’s what I want:
Between the renovations we did to the Toy Shop and my new shopkeeper’s hat, the shop nearly got cleaned out at last week’s Shiva Nata training.
We definitely need to order some more butt-monsters pronto. And we’re running low on a lot of other things too.
Ways this could work:
Maybe this week at Rally (Rally!), I can order some new things.
Maybe we’ll empty out what we have and bring in new inventory.
Maybe there are lots of surprises.
My commitment.
To spend time in the Toy Shop, talking to it and finding out what it wants to become.
Thing 5: implementation
Here’s what I want:
Ohmylord I have been having the most massive epiphanies and realizations ever due to all the intense-intense Shiva Nata we did at last week’s training.
And now I am on an order-and-reordering rampage. I am high on organic forms of order.
And I am addressing a pile of Gwishes in the form of a stack of messy notes. What is in this pile for me? How does it wish to find order? What are the clues and where is the treasure?
What needs to be set free? WHAT NEEDS TO BE SET FREE? I want to sing this to the sun.
For the first time ever, I am not dreading a pile or forcefully saying YES LET’S DO THIS or talking myself into meeting a pile. I am running towards it like in a slow motion movie sequence. I am galloping off into the woods with it. I am coming to a cafe to sit across from it and hold its hand.
Hello, pile. Hello, forces of order, chaos, coming apart and re-ordering. Hello, universe of molecules. Hello, universe inside of my being.
Anyway, I want all these realizations and re-orderings to get implemented.
See?! This kind of crazy, wonderful, inexplicable, untranslatable nuttiness is why it’s impossible to write “copy” for how great a Shiva Nata training is. IT WILL GIVE YOU THE BRAIN AND HEART YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU WANTED. I am already wondering what kind of messed up stuff I’ll be saying after the next one.
Ways this could work:
During Rally (Rally!). It could be part of my thing-that-is-a-project.
I don’t know.
I just want to watch all the new order to come in like the best tetris game ever.
My commitment.
To continue to be wowed by this process.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted more walking. Which didn’t so much happen this week since I was teaching and it was crazy hot. But this morning I walked for an hour. It’s on my mind, and this is good.
Then I wanted to rewrite the Pickle Page and it’s written. If you apply to Crossing the Line — the link is “haulaway” and this is only the whisper-brunch page— you’ll get to read it. It is the best Pickle Page ever.
I needed a body/systems plan, and it worked out great.
Also I wanted the whisper-brunching to happen quietly and it did! Also I wrote a love letter. Thank you!
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
Things that are welcome! Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
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Ow I love the whispered brunch !! It looks sooo pretty 🙂
I am in the mood for VPA-ing today!
*** Last VPA Update ***
Last week, I wanted writing, work flow, a non-sucky supervisor meeting and some thinking about coming to a rally.
It was an interesting week because none of that happened directly. At all.
Instead, a lot of other things happened that made me feel vulnerable and made me cry. They also made me talk openly to my people and rethink the entire situation.
So what I got instead was THINKING and talking about writing, work flow, a non-sucky supervisor meeting and the possibility of travel.
*** New/Updated VPA’s ***
1. BOUNDARIES
Resetting the boundaries with the supervisor.
The bullying/intimidation approach needs to stop. And I’d like to come up with some ways to communicate effectively that she is only invited to participate if she is being constructive and helpful.
2. DECORATING
Pockets of “decorating”/editing/polishing of all the work I already did. I’d like this to be enjoyable, light-hearted, something I can then be proud of.
3. SHARING
I’d like to share some of my work in blog form. Not sure how this could work yet but i’d love to explore and have a play date about it.
4. TRAVEL CLUES
I’d love to start collecting clues about life after my dissertation. I’d love for this to be an adventure.
5. FUN
I want to laugh. I would love to enjoy this week to the fullest. I’d also like to have fun with the interview about the start of our phd student group.
Secret whispered VPAs this week. But lots of them.
I did not know I wanted this at all, until I went to grab a snack while thinking about what I wanted this week.
What I want: To understand my relationship with dairy. More specifically, to understand what I am getting from it. (Besides its taste. Dear cheese and ice cream and gelato; how I love you.)
How this can work: I could get an insight while writing my morning pages or during meditation. I could practice Shiva Nata. I could notice when I am particularly craving it and what I need then. Something could bubble up. I could read something that would make me say, “Ah-ha!”
My commitment: I will do the things I already do. I will confuse myself with Shiva Nata at least once. I will not try to cut it out or eat less of it. I will not feel guilty that I am curious about this when it seems like there are a million other topics that are more pressing and I am clearly in avoidance. I will remember the beauty of fractal flowers.
I gwish:
…to be able to do Shiva Nata without feeling like I suck at it. Believe me, I KNOW how silly that sounds. I guess I’m having a hard time messing up at it. I’m tweaking with different verbs, nouns and whatnot, but I seem to get into a groove fairly quickly. But I also find myself thinking really hard on what movement I’m supposed to do next. Should I just force myself to go at lightening speed? I don’t know. All I know is that I keep saying, “You should probably get back on that pony, kid”, but I am stuck. Stuckified.
Love to all the Commenter Mice.
Many VPAs floating in my head at the moment.
Thing 1: Some information on what the painful heck is happening with my back when I’m in seated meditation, and why it’s expanding into most other sitting situations.
How this could work: People who know things about meditation could share their knowledge with me (like fellow chickeneers? Seriously, really open to feedback here). I could write on the possible symbolic elements of this pain/tightness/whatever it is. One of the many new people I meet this week could have some knowledge about backs/sitting, and I could discover that and ask them. Epiphanies.
My commitment: To be open to the many explanations. To remember that people contain multitudes, and that I find that out when I ask them questions and then listen. To care about my own comfort.
Thing 2: Things could stay grounded and flow-ey during this extremely unusual week.
How this could work: Rituals. Keeping my own comfort in mind. Continuing to think ahead, and check the details many times.
My commitment: To trust. Or at least to try to remember to trust.
Thing 3: Presence. I’d like to be really present with what’s happening this week.
How this could work: I could designate especially-present times. Ooh; or maybe I could remember presence each time I see a tree!
My commitment: To listen. To try for eye contact. To ask for clarification. To be slightly more open with people than I usually would be, when the people are the right people.
Wishing everybody a smooth and happy week.
Thank you, Havi! Thing 5 made me SO joyous that I ended up out of VPA mode and into the silliest mental “singing to the universe” mode. Will VPA later if I get back to that headspace 🙂
Love and cookies for everybody’s gwishes.
Last week:
I wanted to turn in a best-it-can-be job application; I did! Yay!
I wanted to make time for school and deal with my eating problems; …STUCKIFICATION! Boooooo.
This week:
(1) resolution, progress, peace, acceptance for my mold situation (yes, all those things contradict each other; I want them out of order and when appropriate…dammit!).
How?
I could remind myself that if we have to move (again. oh.), we will end up in an even better home. (Nope! Don’t believe it yet. Ugh.)
Our landlords could magically be extremely responsive about this problem and it could turn out to be easier to fix than I’m afraid it is.
The mold could turn out to be in one place rather than everywhere, and thus fixable, and then our landlords will buy us more dehumidifiers?
Boyfriend and I could work together on this problem instead of having conflicty freakouts like we’ve been doing. He could stop downplaying the situation and I could stop putting my armor on before anything even happens.
Oh, I just thought of one reason moving might be better: my scalp and toes could spontaneously stop freaking out if we get away from this moisture and I wouldn’t have to worry about that.
My commitment:
To breathe deeply.
To acknowledge that anything having to do with moving is going to rile up all of my seemingly-unrelated pain.
To talk to my therapist.
To assume the best about our landlords.
To remember to ask Ashley about her friend who is a mold inspector.
(2) re-ask: ENGAGEMENT WITH SCHOOL! MEETING OF RESPONSIBILITIES!
How?
more time.
more acceptance that this is my life right now.
i could say no to social invitations more often EVEN THOUGH I REALLY DON’T WANT TO because i have faith there will be more. (i can pack more socializing into my weekends.)
My commitment:
To devote Monday and Tuesday nights to schoolwork with only a brief break for errands, for starters.
To make a list of what I have to do for not only this week and next week, but the week after, and put it on my calendar.
To throw it in the pot.
(3) RE-ASK! Food issues. I want to stop my destructive eating habits; I want to stop hating my reflection; I want to be able to fit into my beloved clothes; I want to somehow invest in my health and the nourishment that comes from healthy things.
How?
Jesus christ, my outlook could magically change. I could stop being suspicious of all fruit. I could cease being emotionally addicted to sugar so I only have to cope with the physical addiction.
I could go back to the nutritionist I GUESS but she’s just going to push me about supplements I don’t want to take. And I’m too scared to tell her “I’m not taking those” because she will feel frustrated/failure-y.
I could find a new nutritionist.
I could just cut into that avocado and not be scared of it.
Hmmmm.
Commitment:
Into the pot.
Ask friends for advice? Although I don’t want to frustrate them with this intractable problem.
Ask therapist, although there’s a lot else to discuss and it seems totally off topic.
Keep thinking.
I am so glad this space for clarity is here. Thank you.
MrB and I are in Portland! We are here to Rally! My gwish for the week is to Rally and projectize and finialize (finish + finalize, with an ornament on top) some things I’m working on.
I want MrB and me to enjoy the heck out of our time away and to get some perspective on what we can do to make our home more pleasant, comfortable, inspiring.
I want aches and pains to go away! I want to have fun and a positive attitude even if I am hurting. I want ingenuity and inventiveness to figure out how to do the things I want to do without making the pain worse.
I want my brother to go to my house while we’re gone and take care of the things that need to be taken care of.
I want things to flow and move with grace and beauty and fun.
Into the pot!
Ahhhh so many gwishes right now!
Gwish #1. To remember that things don’t always work out exactly the way I envision them, and this is a good thing.
How this could work: I consciously think of events in my life with totally unexpected results that led exactly to the most perfect outcome for me.
My commitment: to be open and calm, to notice, to be ready for happy surprises.
Gwish #2. To have My People find me. To know that the Thing that I’m going to offer to my Right People is going to emerge organically. My big challenge with this is to have trust that they will find me in due time, that I can show up exactly how I am. That there is no reason for me to be being desperate and anxious. More trust in my Inner Genius. More trust that I don’t need to try to be more like [Havi] or [other amazing people who have taught me so much], to commit to being fully myself. And to think about what the heck that means.
Gwish #3. So I’ve been having this thought like… I should give away x% of my leetle income to [my favorite international health org which is saving the world every day]. I mean, I’ve had this thought for a long time but I’ve always been like “oh well I don’t have enough money to give away YET. i’ll wait until I’m richer.” and then it occurred to me that the list of reasons to NOT give will only get longer and longer as I get older. And, seeing as though I have basically an incredibly comfortable life, I should just start this thing. But the main thing is, I need to feel okay and calm and happy about it. This kind of thing can’t be done in a spirit of scarcity or wanting.
How this could work: I’m not sure. But I’m basically committed to being receptive to feelings of abundance. To remember why giving and doing what’s ‘good for the world’ is one of the best things I can do for MYSELF.
Gwish #4. My blog is my tiny little thing now. To nourish it, to love it, to give it space to grow organically. To treat it like the baby it is.
Oh there are so many more but I will journal as to not clog this beautiful commenting board.
I wish ALL of your gwishes to be fulfilled.
The only thing I want this week: some time alone.
Ways this could happen: Taking melatonin to fall asleep at a decent time each night. Allowing my computer to shut off as programmed at 11pm.
My commitment: I’ve committed to waking up at 6am each morning for a week. Nothing else – just to get up and be up at 6am. No expectations. Just up and alone in the quiet.
VPA amnesty applies
I totally read this as “amnesty apples” and was thinking it was a cool thing!
Woo hoo, I’m in Portland, too!
@Tina,
I love “amnesty apples”! I can see them in a beeaootiful bowl!
What I want:
To take the fullest possible advantage of Rally (Rally!) this week even though I’m nervous about starting. To have fun while I’m working on my “projects.”
How it could happen:
I can bring my glitter pens, colored pencils & sticky notes, etc. I cAn keep wearing the multicolored fingernail polishes.
I can use all the tools! (Into the pot!)
I can NOT worry about Shiva Nata, just do eet!
My commitments:
Watch for and use color and shine everywhere this week.
Daily journal so I don’t forget anything.
Every day, say hello with a smile to someone I have never met before.
One VPA before getting ready for work – maybe more later.
I want courage to ship my project. I want the right words that convey exactly what it is to flow through my fingers, for the right people to read it and then for them to email and say “Yes!” here is my money, let’s work together.
There are pieces of this places. I want it all to come together.
I also want good planning so that I’m in the office by 8;15 every morning (must figure out school bus times so I don’t get stuck behind one) so I can work on these things.
Rushing towards a pile of clues and treasures sounds like brilliant fun.
Actually you mentioned that idea/experience of reframing in the love letter, kind of. About INTERACTING with an experience, including the fact of the scary/other-usually-avoided-feeling being there: ‘It’s not happening to me. I am approaching it.’
When I was giving birth (am I ever going to shut up about babies? No. No I’m not, sorry) it was INTENSE but it was weird how okay the pain felt… Yay for yoga experience that helped get me in the curious, observing-the-feeling-as-well-as-feeling-it mindset. (And also the breath focus!). (And some nitrous oxide now and then).
Somewhere on the internet someone described how she imagined she was one of those stone water features for your garden where the water trickles all over the stone ball, and how she concentrated on being the stone ball and letting the pain be the water running over her. “I’m a yard ornament, I’m a yard ornament” she said. Ha! But also – YES, exactly.
Pain, fear, other ‘stuff’ that comes up can be separated from: I know this, I’ve done it. One of the main reasons I call my (ha!) yoga practice a “practice” is that I get to PRACTICE (ie. rehearse, have a go at, try try again) at doing exactly that “observe-the-feeling-as-well-as-feeling-it-and-interact-with-it” thing. Reason #3478 I need to get back to a regular yoga class….
So I guess I’m crapping on to say “Curiosity and interaction for the win! Reframing depiling into treasure hunting for the win! Wins for the win!”
So empowering!
I also need a routine for keeping track of how my body is doing and what I’m doing with my body. Twice this week, I said ‘x hurts.’ Husband answered, ‘you said x hurt last week too.’ I say, ‘what? Really? no way! I thought that was just a today thing.’ Then monsters tell me, ‘ahh! you have x, y, z, therefore you have big scary disease.’ I want to be able to go to the statistics and tell them no this is not so, OR go to the statistics and say oh yes, I can show this information to the nice doctor-lady and she will take care of us. Also, going to bed at 7pm to then wake up at 10:00 am (after apparently sleeping through an alarm clock) is probably not a result of being healthy.
So, my want for this week/today is to have a good way to keep track of my body issues, but the want came with an idea that is going to need much playing with.
So WTCW – I write an email/letter to myself every night after dinner/before bed – telling me how My Body Fantabulous is feeling, when I went to bed the night before, how I slept the night before, and issues that I am having that day.
I could take notes in my awesome planner I got for keeping track of my word count.
A good thing for this might be also, going back every so often (once a week? once a month) and getting a feel for what issues I had and what might have caused them. Also, since it’s my body fantabulous, something good about my body too might be helpful.
My commitment – write the first email/letter/thing tonight and include the issues I was having last week and yesterday. Also, set up a reminder on my calendar to review these issues at the end of the month. Maybe each email subject can be my body fantabulous- September 2011?
update – I wrote 1500 words of fiction last week. This is my average daily number I wanted from a previous VPA with one day as a rest day. So far, this sounds like a good number to go with. 1500 instead of 1750.