Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
I had a very intense weekend, so I’m only just now sliding into Monday.
Professional Hooky Player. That’s my new gig.
I might have to put it on my business card instead of pirate queen. Anyway….
Very! Personal! Ads!
Here we go.
Thing 1: Clear lines of communication
Here’s what I want:
A number of situations I’m currently in seem to have some pretty messy communication things happening.
I want a clearing of the lines.
Actually, I just noticed that I’ve never liked the phrase “to clear the air”, because it makes me think of giant scary storms.
But what I want is the rainstorm. Not a rough drenching. Just a sweet release, and then for the air to smell all earthy and beautiful again.
Ah, well.
Even if that doesn’t happen, I just want some of the layers of Stuff (mine and theirs) to dissipate.
Ways this could work:
I had my ohmygod-lightbulbs-everywhere epiphany this morning about what was really happening here, thanks to Shiva Nata.
So now I’ll be doing my part to clear out my patterns. With more Shiva Nata. And processing and removing things that are not from now.
And I will keep planting this wish for clear, clean back-and-forth.
I’ll play with…
Wishing good things for everyone involved.
With the qualities of presence, trust and commitment. That last one surprised me, I didn’t see it coming. Hi, commitment. I want to know more about you.
Thing 2: Giant progress on Stompopolis.
Here’s what I want:
Speaking of shivanautical epiphanies, I had an outrageously huge understanding last week about what needs to happen for Stompopolis to be able to open more fully to the public (well, some of the public).
But that involved rethinking a million different things.
So now I want the various pieces to fall into place.
Ways this could work:
Tomorrow Cairene will be helping me. We need lists! We need inspiration! We need fun!
And I can put Thursday aside from rewriting the copy.
I’ll play with…
Yes, it’s a wild, crazy, ridiculous idea and outrageously risky, so I’m just going to go full out and DO IT. With panache.
And when this scares me too much, I’m going to cry and be gentle and take myself to the park.
Thing 3: Readjusting/recalibrating/reconfiguring.
Here’s what I want:
Hmmm. I received a piece of very disturbing news today and am feeling upset about it.
I would like:
- Spaciousness for processing the things that I’m feeling.
- A clear and sovereign response.
I would also like a perfect simple resolution, and I would like this to happen without me having to get directly involved. May it be so.
Ways this could work:
I’m going to have to look at the pain (from a safe distance), because I suspect this is a case of Now reminding me of Then, except that Now Is Not Then.
I’ll play with…
More Shiva Nata, of course.
It solved everything for me last week.
Thing 4: The right words, please.
Here’s what I want:
Due to an unexpected [personal thing], I’ve had to navigate a fairly big change-of-plans that influences people aside from myself.
I want to be able to explain this in a way that is simple, clear, sweet, direct and easy.
Ways this could work:
Connecting with the want behind the want.
Using the four questions.
I’ll play with…
Getting quiet and listening.
Thing 5: [Silent Retreat!]
Here’s what I want:
I’m going to silent retreat on the details, but it involves lusciousness. Again! And possibly wine.
Ways this could work:
Willing to be surprised.
I’ll play with…
Showing up.
Specifically, showing up with willingness, receptivity, curiosity and playfulness.
Thing 6: Mini-chrysalis.
Here’s what I want:
I need to run away (run awaaaaaaaaay) before Rally to prepare myself.
But I have ZERO idea of how this could happen given how busy we are right now with the new space. The monsters are having seven thousand fits about how we just went away and can’t possibly retreat into a shell again.
It needs to happen. I just don’t know how.
Ways this could work:
A miracle.
Possibly several miracles.
I’ll play with…
Wanting the want, and letting that be enough for now.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
We asked the question: “But is it luscious?!”
And that turned out to be exactly the right thing to ask.
Let’s see. I wanted to readjust my concept of HOME. And a really interesting thing related to that happened right away.
Then I wanted new curtains for the kitchen and nothing happened with that, so I’ll re-ask.
I went looking for tablecloths and didn’t find what I wanted but found something else instead.
There was an ask about the hamsa, and I’m putting that one back in the pot to look at it some more.
Basically what I’m noticing is that my highly emotional week did not leave a lot of room for playing with the wanting any further, but that the processing I was able to do changed how I feel in relation to these asks, so that’s interesting.
Maybe most interesting is that last week these seemed impossible, and this week they seem completely natural.
And I wanted to write out the dream/vision for Hoppy House, and I haven’t done that yet but I did get the number of the person who is going to help me do it. So yay for that.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
Havi, may it all be so. 🙂
VPAs!
Last week, I asked for Clarity, especially about our apartment, and I had a perfect simple solution show up there, so yay! But I still feel just a teeny bit wobbly on it, so I would like even more Clarity.
Then I asked for insight into my knee and hips and I collected some rawther interesting clews, and then abruptly they stopped hurting enough to bother me. Awesome! Still looking for clews about the clews, though.
And finally I wanted sweet dreams, and I had one good dream, and then an awful horrible nightmare, and then a series of dreams that are only slightly stressful, but I haven’t been waking up stress. So I’ll keep looking, but I like this progress.
This week, I would like:
Thing One: Rest!
This is the last week before the big week before the dancing festival/wedding. And things need to happen, sure. But I want space for things to happen at their right time, with gentleness. And understanding my capacity. And honoring my needs for sleep and downtime and slow time.
Ways this could work:
I could take tomorrow and possibly Wednesday to rest and noodle. I could follow rabbit holes. My monsters could be mysteriously open to recent data. Gentleness could wrap around and support any doing that does happen.
I’ll Play With…
Shiva Nata. High-level napping. Talking to monsters. Work that feels restful and playful.
Thing Two: The Blanket Fort!
So I’m trying to brunch a thing for when I get back from my honeymoon. It’s a blanket fort, which is both the metaphor mouse name for it, but also represents this completely different, new level of teaching that I want to do where the space does the teaching and I hold the space.
But I need a.)a way to talk about it that is comprehensible, and which expresses what it’s like when I kind of don’t know, and b.)so much support and grounding for me-making-this-transition. Because it’s a completely new way of being and it’s changing *everything*.
Ways this could work:
The blanket fort says it needs lots of alone time without me bothering it, so resting will probably help. Otherwise – I don’t know! I could just figure out what to write and write it! Oh: the monsters say I’ll fuck it up and ruin something important. So they could get some safety and so could I.
I’ll Play With…
Monster negotiations and coloring! Shiva Nata. Releasing things to the essence. Blasting my patience songs. Listening for the -ding- of right timing.
Love and may-it-bes to everyone’s VPAs.
*darts into the garden, ties a slip of paper to the wishing tree*
What it says: I’d like an elastic clock, please
(It’s a proxy. The rest of the details are lurking among the larkspur.)
Havi, wishing miracles for you !!
My last gwishes
Last week, I needed miracles ! I had no clue how to do everything I wanted to do. I wanted secret spaces of time and found them.
Also I found back Ecclestiastes 3:1, which was my favourite bible verse growing up and it says ‘there is a time for everything’ . So much spaciousness.
I silent retreated on a thing and it was a good thing.
Gwish 1 = Transition
I have been getting back into a happy grove, and that was important. Now I need to switch projects, and find flow on just-one-project.
ways in which this could happen – crazy strong entry and exit. all my powers back to me. finding the empty spaces again. floop time. focus. empty hours, too, and napping on it.
i’ll play with – miracles. letting the miracles happen. spaciousness. permission. strength. alignment. what do i want for me ? what do i want for them ?
Gwish 2: Tizmun Understanding
Love the word Tizmun. Also, I haven’t been doing any sort of “planning” recently. I feel it is a destruct the bad, construct the good sorta thing.
Still. I want things. I would like to build a little more understanding of the Tizmun of the upcoming year.
ways in which this could work . Some more processing of what I mean by this. Writing down what I already know. Talking to me who already knows. Yes. that.
I’ll play with – Magic. Mystery. Things can fall into place. I am allowed to want to know a little bit. I believe things work out for the good.
Gwish 3: More silent retreat
There is a thing, which is a good thing but also it needs some Now is Not Then.
i’ll play with – space. superpowers. wise me.
i’ll be open to things moving in their own tizmun / space. me not knowing everything but me knowing what i need to know. seeing this as a process.
As it’s been a long time since I’ve VPA’d and it’s something I would like to do more of, I think I shall just jump into some new ones…
Thing 1: Weekends, please figure yourselves out
I only have two (and a half?) weekends left before I leave for my epic road trip. If I didn’t have my friend’s daughter’s birthday on the 16th, I’d just go home that weekend and be with my family and use this weekend to do stuff around the apartment. I’m worried if I go home this weekend that my family will feel like I didn’t say goodbye to them close enough to when I was leaving. And that statement is jumping up and down screaming that it’s my stuff. Hi Stuff. But I still have to go home on the 16th for doctor’s appointments, so either way this is all icky.
ways this could work
I could make alternate plans with the friend so I can be home all next weekend and not this weekend. Except I almost want to go home twice to make sure I manage to fit in seeing everyone who needs to be seen. Or I could leave that part up to the universe. I could just leave it as-is and make two trips to Long Island in the next two weeks. I don’t really want to be in my apartment anyway as it’s a giant half-packed mess.
I’ll play with…
Talking to people to see what they want. Not taking responsibility for my family’s feelings. Figuring out who I really need to see. Making plans. Asking questions. Letting it unfold.
Thing 2: When is an apartment not an apartment
When it’s a half-packed mess! I want it to be a half-packed not mess. Actually, I want it to be a fully-packed not mess, but there’s the unfortunate problem of actually needing to use some of my stuff for the next three weeks.
Ways this could work…
I could just not be here as much as possible and pretend it doesn’t exist…. orrr…. I could work on packing
I’ll play with…
Getting boxes from Amanda on Thursday. Putting the last two big pieces of furniture on craigslist. Breathing love into my space just as it is. Remembering why.
Ohh… that’s as much VPA as I seem to be able to handle right now. Those seem silly to me, but there is so much heavy around this move despite it being awesome and wonderful and exciting. Hmm…
Progress report:
The house – I’ve been asking the ask for someone to buy our house. Lot’s of interest, still no buyer. I’m curious about this. Not sure how to proceed. Perhaps nothing is needed except patience and more letting go.
My commitment is to be curious and listen to what the house needs to let go of us – maybe?
More Clients – I wanted 2 more by June and they’re here!
This weeks gwishes:
1. I want to be joyful in my efficient use of time.
So I want efficient use of time and joyfulness while planning this and doing this.
How this could work:
Further development of systems for organizing my time that bring play, reflection, ease and productivity (that word gives me the “ews”. Clearly some work needs to be done there.)
My commitment:
Metaphor mousing of the work “productivity.”
Probably critter dialogue’s gonna be needed there too.
2. Confidence – silent retreat on this.
That’s all for now,
Happy VPA’s All
May it be so, Havi.
Thing 1 A Secret Agent Costume
I want a real dress and a hat, not a metaphor, but it will need to be A Secret Agent Costume too. I want it to be comfortable, calf length and either some sort of earthy colour or maybe blue. It has to look OK in a field, possibly with an umbrella! It should make me feel sovereign and at ease in my skin, but it also needs the invisibility, so that I can get through a difficult event.
Ways this could work.
I could see something just right and know. For this to happen I need to put myself in places where I know I might see things.
I could go specifically to look for something. (SCAREY!)
What I’ll play with
Qualities of stillness, being centered, playful looking.
I will do some colouring work with the money monster and then ask slightly wiser future me again. I did try to ask slightly wiser future me once already but she keeps getting drowned out by the monsters of doom.
I could carry a secret object hidden in my clothing, a touchstone maybe? – something physical that represents those qualities I’ll need. (I’ve always carried touchstones around in my pockets since I was tiny!) Oh right, I can do that to help me look! Aha, slightly wiser me was here all the time I just couldn’t hear her! Doh!
Thing 2 Silent retreat
‘It’s a thing we dinna care to speak aboot’ (Imagine my lovely ancient Scottish Granny saying that!)
What I want is for this thing to go well. (Mosters in the background shouting “OK! OK would be good! ‘Well’, is greedy!”)
Ways this could work
I have no idea because I’ve been avoiding thinking about it all week.
It could just work.
It might not happen. (That’s the monsters chortling at me you can hear!)
I could survive it and it might not matter at all.
What I’ll play with
Doing what is possible and then stopping. Tea and buns (proxy but the real thing might work too!)
Talking to monsters.
Update on previous VPAs
Ah, too many of them never made it into the comments but stayed on my laptop! Funnily enough they don’t work so well there!!
Hello to everyone!
Thing #1
I want the plane to be GONE. (proxy) It’s taken off, but for me to move on, which is what I need, I would like resolution. Good bye’s. Communicating this to other people. Letting them have their own response, and me taking care of myself.
Ways this could work:
Set up a time to speak with EC (he’s already reached out, so the process has begun) and communicate clearly what I’m choosing to do.
Speak to scared selves first.
Just DO it.
My Commitment:
To speak to my scared self. To get clarity around what I’m choosing to do, exactly, and how I want to say this. Realize that no one can take this away from me, it’s my kingdom.
Thing #2
Physical space changes! Cleaning out the past, creating something for now (closet, kitchen, for this week — organizing, beautifying — one day the dining room, and somehow resurrect the interior designer in me, who I’ve never met, to help) that is more beautiful, and simpler, and unexpected.
Ways this could work:
Clearing out the old I can do and feel ready for. The now-creating is a little harder… actually made terrific closet progress on Sunday with the clean out, re-ordering, as I’d already removed the close that I want to keep but don’t want to hang out with.
Finding an answer to my big question — so, what do I DO with this stuff? And — how could my spices and all of the silverware and everything be placed so that it WORKS??
What do I throw away, what do I store? Kitchen-wise.
My commitment:
To remove the old, and let this be playful. Try something. Go to the container store for spices ideas. WHy the hell not?? Rely on the ol’ faithful alphabet, and then how bad could the results be?
Thing #3:
Yoga! I still have some weird stucknesses here. Why am I not going? I definitely have time, and I could go anywhere…
Ways this could work:
Find a buddy to go with me. Give myself an enormous reward. Talk to the scared parts of me.
My commitment:
To look at Balanced Yoga’s website again. To think about how it would feel to go. To speak to the part of me that is resisting this (again).
Thing #4:
COCOON. Rest. Serious, deep, peaceful relaxation.
Ways this could work:
Go out of town, to a hotel, to a friend’s house. Take a trip. Turn off your phone, tell a handful of people so they won’t worry.
Stay home and do this even.
My commitment:
Um, to do this? Somehow. I’m thinking this week.
———————————————-
Last week — I wanted to plane to at least START taking off (proxy) and it has! I’m terrified, conflicted and wanting resolution — but it’s taken off.
A place to put my bloggies in progress… even more simple than a folder — just one document. Yay! Free form, no labels, letting it evolve organically.
Wanting more systems that support me… epiphany that this is much more about watching myself and reflecting than building anything at all at the moment. That’s where I am in my relationship with systems that support me… the observation phase!
Here’s what I want: More energy!
Ways this could work: Eat. Drink. Sleep. Move.
I’ll play with… Noticing!
What I want: The finance stuff (including the one thing with the one person) to be solved with a perfect simple solution.
Ways it could work: Trust…not sure the how of it but I need to trust it can and will work.
What I’ll play with: Remembering I only own my own stuff
Wishing sovereignty to the one person.
Making a safe space for my monsters.
Taking extra care of myself and remembering there is safety and comfort.
What I Want:
1) To know when to shut up. But that’s a lie. Because really what I want is for people to listen to me and do what I say. But really really what I want is the capacity to sit with other people’s crap and not need to tell them what I think about it or what they should do about it. To be able to soften to the situation and let it in, in all of it’s uncomfortableness and messiness and not need to try to compute it all like a robot and make it come out in a spreadsheet.
2) That is all. Because that is the root of everything in my life that pains me. And it pains those around me.
3) And even though that is really all, what else I want is the ability to just be quiet tomorrow. To just listen and not talk. And the willingness to sit on my meditation bench for 10 minutes every day.
Silent retreat on everything else except:
I want to take my awesome banana bread recipe and make it vegan.
Lots of love to everyone’s wanting.
Things I want:
1. MrB to be safe tomorrow when he drives. I can’t make it happen but I really want it!
2. Lunch with that one friend, coffee with another, and hanging out for an afternoon/evening with another. I just need to call to set it up.
3. Continued movement and progress now that the tables have been moved; it has opened up space for things to happen and I want things to happen and not let the opportunity slip away again.
4. To be okay about being happy about travel plans. There’s some monster talk against it – against being happy and excited, not against the trip. I need to talk to them.
What I’ll do:
1. Dialog with the part of me that worries about MrB.
2. Conversation with Resistance Me who is keeping me from calling my friends and also from acting on the opportunity to make progress.
3. Talk to the monsters who don’t want me to be happy about the travel. (Oh, they’re already speaking up. They want me to know that I’m allowed to be happy but if I talk about it, it will seem like gloating and no one will like that. But they also say that if I keep quiet about it, I’ll seem sly and that isn’t okay either. Okay, clearly there’s a lot to talk about.)
Good wishes to all for your VPAs.
Dear VickiB’s Monsters,
We like her anyway. It’s all okay. Happy travels!
Warm regards,
Claire P and many others I’m sure.
Updates.
I asked for superpowered Clarity and a sense of Knowing-What-Comes-Next and I don’t know if anything specific changed except I maybe got a bit more okay with Whatever-Comes-Next-Is-What-Comes-Next. Did some more brain-melting with the Byron Katie YouTube channel which probably contributed to this. Aaaaah, freedom from expectations. So lovely and surprisingly non-life-collapsing.
The possum (I think) hasn’t moved out entirely but was definitely around a lot less. I’ll just replant the wish for it to Just Go Away Please…
Car decrappification is happening slowly and once that’s done computer acquisition will probably happen soon after. Yay.
Solar power investigations didn’t happen and is reminding me of all those times I had to make a decision at work about something I found confusing and therefore daunting. And I found my way out of those stucknesses so I’ll look into the patterns at work there.
Greenhousing (aka routine creation) didn’t happen very much in the hard, so again I need to MAKE some time to looking at the patterns underneath the pattern and see what’s going on.
And those re-wishes will do for this week. I’ll throw some dragon-taming (aka money system organisation) in with the greenhousing gwish.
*fairy dust*
Thank you Claire P — the monsters gasped and slunk away.
Sending love to your wishes.