Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Oh boy! Very Personal Ads!
Some weeks this is the hardest thing that I practice, and other weeks I wake up each morning bouncy and full of wishes.
This was one of those. It feels good.
Thing 1: A perfect, simple solution.
Here’s what I want:
This is kind of vague (in fact, I feel the urge to call silent retreat!) but basically this:
I need the thing that is reconfiguring to reconfigure in a simple and ease-filled way.
Ways this could work:
Staying connected to the qualities and essence of the wanting, instead of trying to make it work in a particular way or take a certain shape.
Being receptive to new forms emerging in some sort of organic, sustainable, possibly unexpected way.
Remembering that buoyancy and grounding are not mutually exclusive.
Remembering the shivanautical epiphany about illumination through elimination: release the parts that are done.
I’ll play with…
Writing about it.
Thing 2: Clews for the Room of Mystery.
Here’s what I want:
At the Hidden Playground, we have a new room.
Well, it used to be the Toy Shop but we moved the Toy Shop to Stompopolis, so now there’s this room. And we’ve been calling it the Room of Mystery.
It’s kind of like the Room of Requirement, in that it gives you what you need.
So far people have taken some awesome naps in there, and various magical things have happened, but I would like to fill the room with clews.
That way, when people are clew-searching (or even when they aren’t), they can find signs and reminders all over the room.
Ways this could work:
Maybe people who read the blog can send us clews!
Clews can be tiny little things. Like a key or a ring or a message or a little hmmm-what-are-you sort of thing. A what-not! Yes.
If you have clews, please send them with a little “this is a clew!” note care of:
The Fluent Self, Inc
1526 NE Alberta #218
Portland, OR 97211
United States
Ohmygod. That would be amazing.
I’ll play with…
Looking for clews everywhere. And then collecting them.
Thing 3: Courage, again.
Here’s what I want:
I need to say a thing and I don’t know how to say it.
Words, please. And then the strength to do it.
Ways this could work:
It just could. May it be so.
I’ll play with…
Remembering that three weeks ago I had to do a thing way scarier than this, and I did it beautifully, thanks in part to these VPAs.
So it can happen. I can find the right way. It will be harmonious and it will be good.
Plus, ending something that is disharmonious is always healing, even when it’s hard. But maybe it doesn’t have to be hard. I’m going to learn more about that.
Thing 4: Progress on a seemingly impossible thing.
Here’s what I want:
I want this want so badly, and it seems so far-away and impossible.
I want to believe that it could happen. And I want to see clews and signs and reminders about progress and possibility.
May all the perfect simple solutions show up, and may I remember that sometimes things that seem impossible are actually completely possible, in ways I haven’t thought of yet.
Ways this could work:
Well, Shiva Nata, of course.
That’s the fastest way to undo whatever internal rules I have about How Things Are, so that I can start noticing all the things I didn’t know yet about how things could be.
And I can do an OOD to find out more about the different aspects of the wishing.
I’ll play with…
Legitimacy and permission to feel sad and frustrated about not knowing how this could work.
Planting the wish, and planting the permission to feel okay about wanting it.
Thing 5: Mini-chrysalis before Rally.
Here’s what I want:
Astoundingly, it’s about to be Rally (Rally!) again.
And I need a couple days off to clear my head and prepare for entry.
Ways this could work:
I’m receptive to something magically showing up.
I’ll play with…
Willingness. Talking to Incoming Me about it, and interviewing her.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Okay, this is amazing. The first thing I asked for was clear lines of communication, and specifically this:
“Actually, I just noticed that I’ve never liked the phrase “to clear the air”, because it makes me think of giant scary storms. But what I want is the rainstorm. Not a rough drenching. Just a sweet release, and then for the air to smell all earthy and beautiful again.”
And, astonishingly, that is EXACTLY what happened. I am in awe.
Then I wanted giant progress on Stompopolis, and it happened.
I needed readjusting in response to a difficult piece of news, and that worked too.
Next there was an ask about finding the right words, and I still haven’t, but am getting closer.
The ask about lusciousness is still in flux, but I’m learning a lot about how that works.
And I wanted a mini-chrysalis, and I still want that. Taking steps and wishing!
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
Follow
VPA haiku style due to traveling!
1. sleep, recovery, slow time, swimming time, biking time. time to feel the summer.
2. progress on my strong, sweet thing.
3. more time. more more yummy time with new thing.
4. a perfect simple resolution of conversations that are coming up
5. not to get kicked out of the soccer euro cup already!
Thing 1: Focus
More of it. Or at least useful insights into how I get it, sustain it, lose it, recapture it.
I’ll play with: joining my five year old’s renewed fascination with being ‘Andwey on the mountain!’. Seeing as what I’m asking for insights….
Thing 2: Sleep, Self-care, Support and Systems
The four Ss that increase and sustain my capacity, energy and therefore feeds into What Gets Done.
I’ll play with: post-it note reminders. Or other bright ideas that come up.
Thing 3: Money stuff! To deal with it!!! It’s not really a dragon!!!!
*sigh* sorting papers, making phone calls, setting up appointments YAWNETH!
I’ll play with: dissolving the procrastination and tapping into the RAAAAHHHRRR Crazed Dragon Tamer costume.
*fairy dust* for everyone! xoxo
So many, many wants this week! And I feel oddly …. good about them? Is there a word for being worried because you’re not worried?
Wanted – a good setup for shooting webcam tips
I’ve decided I want to do little webcam/screen capture helpful tips on the redesigned web design site. Even if I’m more than a bit nervous about the whole thing.
Ways this could work:
I could talk with Sean. He does lighting for a living. Well, part of it.
I’ll play with:
Taking lots of silly videos and not worrying what they look like. 15 minutes of futzing with the software.
Wanted – For the event of doom to go smoothly
I guess first I need to quit thinking of it as the event of doom, eh?
Way this could work:
Monday start listing out every missing piece I can think of. Send it around to the board, ask for other missing pieces. Start filling in pieces
I’ll play with:
Legal pad and coffee. Maybe skipping stones, to see if there are other things I can do/ways to look at things.
Wanted – To make more progress on the Orphic site.
There’s been great feedback, and I feel like I’m getting increasing clarity. I want to make one small change a day and see where it goes.
Wanted – To find a pet sitter.
Our house sitter moved. And we’ve got someone who will come and check on the house and critters, but we’re happier with someone who stays here.
Ways this could work: Someone could know someone. We could get less paranoid about how people interact with the dogs.
I’ll play with: Asking 2 people a day. Who knows!
Wanted – to make my play day work out.
In a burst of enthusiasm/possible insanity, I decided it would be fun to have a day where people could come and mess about with craft stuff all day. Like fingerpaints and glitter. And I rented a room on a whim. Now I need to find people and see if anyone wants to come play with me. And maybe even chip in a little for costs?
Ways this could work: I could tell more people about it. Which means another quick site build. And then asking for donations/participation.
I’ll play with: 1 hour. What can I do in one hour, with a nap beginning and after!
Wanted – to be done with C’s site
I just need to do this. One hour a day, even on a crazy week. Then its off my list and out of my mind.
Another one hour project!! With naps!
Wanted – more trust
I’m playing with trust. And with being the me that knows how to relax. And growing into the me who knows how to trust that solutions will work out. (Yes, still have to do the ground work. But possibly I don’t have to have all 28 steps to everything planned out from the beginning.) And I keep feeling like I should be working more on Honey and Toast… but I also feel like I should let that sit and percolate for a little bit.
Ways this could work: More writing. Or less writing, and just watching where things go.
I’ll play with: Napping more. Replenishing more. Which is an odd thing to want, because there’s this huge event this Saturday, hanging over me. But I still want to try to make this week as relaxed as possible. So, right there, that’s trust. That Saturday will work out, and that I still need to rest. hmmmm.
Here’s what I want: To follow through on an assignment that I’ve given myself, and to do so before Friday.
Hmm. Do I really want this? Let me think a minute. Yes, I really do, but I want permission to break it down into small, do-able chunks if I so choose. It’s a three-part thing that I’m doing; I want to be able to come up with three actions that are as tiny as they need to be, and still fill me with that sense of joyful accomplishment. Okay.
Ways this could work: Make appointments for this work, and put them on my calendar. Make them realistic, so that I can keep them.
I’ll play with: Crafting a beautiful vision of the me that I am becoming.
@Corie – WE NEED THAT WORD! I am frequently worried about lack of worry. Maybe there’s a word in another language or something.
So, VPAs.
Last week…was awful. Wait, I’m looking for something more specific, yes? Last week I asked for rest, which I did and didn’t get. I wasn’t involved in crazy amounts of doing, but there was no gentleness or rejuvenation either.
And then I wanted progress on the blanket fort, which didn’t happen *at* *all* in the physical world, but some things may have shifted under the surface, who knows?
This week, I have so much wanting that I don’t even know how to tease it apart.
Mostly, I would like for the week not to suck. Which isn’t in the positive…
Let’s say then that I’d like for some flow, and some ease, and some peace. And for all the things that need doing to get done. I have no idea how that would even be possible because it hurts too much, but I’m still putting it out there. Miracles. I would like a miracle.
VPAs
Thing 1 – a hat.
I got the rest of my secret agent outfit (more below) but I still want a hat. Not a big floppy one, just something neat to hid under that will keep the heat off my head. If there is any sun which there may not be! Black with a white ribbon or white with a black one. (Maybe I could put a white scarf on my straw one? – Seems not. Slightly future me says I need a new one please!) There also needs to be a red flower, either on the hat or the dress. It’s magic and will protect me.
How this could work.
I could just find one
I could look in shops
My commitment.
To be open, to look without looking.
Thing 2 – still here from last week.
Silent retreating on this one. I’ll play with looking for clews and qualities of agility, ease and grace.
Updates
The secret agent outfit was in my wardrobe all along but not where I thought.
Last week’s thing 2 is still ongoing, see above.
Yay, VPA time!
Progress report on last week’s asks:
Pretty much everything I asked for happened. I thought Resistance Me was stopping me from setting up things with my friends, but it turned out that it was Wiser Me, who knows more than I do about my capacity.
Internal investigations about being happy about travel plans led to a whole lot of interesting insights and discoveries.
This week I want:
Thing 1: Medical stuff
This week I expect to be up to my ears in health-related stuff: the Boomerang Boy is having a series of surgical procedures and needs a certain amount of help, which it would be easier to provide if he had not just moved out. MrB has a couple of health-related things scheduled for this week too, and I have several ongoing problems that also need to be addressed.
What I want:
Ease in the doing of what needs to be done; and rest, recovery, and refueling around the doing.
Respect for my own capacity. I make sure that MrB doesn’t overdo but sometimes – often – neglect to do that for myself.
What I will try:
Scheduling rest times.
Staying off the internet (it sucks me in) and also avoiding some of the extremely interesting and engrossing reading matter that I enjoy so much that I don’t want to put it down when it’s time to sleep.
Asking Wiser Me what to do.
Thing 2: Table Magic
The tables were moved, creating space for other things to happen, yay, and I want that to continue. With ease, without exceeding my capacity.
Ways this could happen:
Talking to Slightly Future Me because she knows about this.
The Butler could do it, or help do it.
I could magically see what needs to happen and just be able to do it.
With ease and flow.
What I will try:
Talking to Slightly Future Me and to the Butler.
Thing 3: Silent Retreat
— but I want it to work, with ease and flow and gladness.
I’m going to do VPAs, *then* Chicken. Because I can! Muah ha ha.
Lots of love + cheering on for all the Gwishes.
1. Stop Telling Me That My Relationships Aren’t Valid!
I got a big caught up today reading about stuff on the Internets that is saying that the kind of relationships that I have don’t exist, aren’t real, will only end in tragedy ect. I am trying to remember that this is just people with their stuff. Whatever they say is not The Truth For All People Always.
So, I’d like to build up my force field that reminds me that it’s ok to do what’s right for me, even if there are a bunch of people who tried it & it didn’t work for them. People Vary! I guess “validation” is the word that I’m looking for here.
Things to tinker with:
-I caught myself in this loop, closed all the related tabs, and came here to write my Gwishes.
-Remember to not be so judgmental about *other* peoples’ relationship/situations.
-I silent retreat on the rest.
2. Wake Up In The Mornin’ Feelin’ Like…Well, Maybe Not P. Diddy
Sleep! It is a hard. I have been staying up too late, having troubles getting to sleep, my bed is an air mattress which is not the most comfortable thing I’ve ever slept on (though honestly, it’s a Godsend compared to what I was sleeping on before it), alarms seem to have no effect on me, and I’m finding myself unable to wake up until after noon. No matter what it is I wanted to do that day.
Things to tinker with:
-Getting new CPAP mask & assorted supplies. Maybe A can mail the piece of paper that I have to sign to get things started? Maybe I can go into town on Toozday to get it done?
-Honestly, going to the doctor. I can ask if they will let me bill my copay again, and make double sure it comes to me and not my mother.
-Setting an alarm for “time to get ready for bed”.
3. http://www.gothefucktothelibrary.com/
I’ve lived here for 6 months now, and I haven’t been to the local library yet, even though one of my best friends works there, and even though reading is probably my Very Best Friend in the world. I have a few lists of books that I’d like to pick up, and honestly I’d love to just go + smell the book smell.
I have some books at home, but none that I feel like reading.
Things to Tinker With:
-Next time I go through my paperwork, I will grab a piece of mail and put it in my purse for proof of residence.
-Working on my scheme for this week will help me pick what day, and what library, to go to.
-Not stress about it too much. I can just go to the library and hang out. I don’t *have* to get any particular books.
4. My Relationship With Mystery
Unrelated to Havi’s ask. Though maybe my Gwish glitter will spill over into that too! I would love that.
Religiously/spiritually, it’s hard to define what I believe. I mean, I use the label “Buddhist”, and that’s the “church” I go to when I do such things. And that label is working for me, I don’t want to drop it.
But I believe in magic. And miracles. And Mystery. With a capital M. I know in my heart that I always have.
It’s always been very difficult for me to maintain a consistent spiritual practice. So I’m exploring my relationship with Mystery instead.
Things to Tinker With:
-Practicing being OK with not knowing
-Listening to music that connects me with the Divine. Singing along when I feel like it, and not fretting about how bad I sound. (It’s ok to do things that you enjoy, even if you’re not perfect at them.)
-Being Mysterious! I don’t know what this really entails but it sounds fun.
5. Can We Move On To The Next Lesson Already?
I’ve been going though a huge rut since, oh say September. Honestly, it’s less of a rut and more of a GIGANTIC DITCH. Anyway, I have been learning a lot of lessons about how I work, things I want to work on. A good handful of epiphanies.
But I’m done with all this suffering. I mean, really. I know that I’ve been saying this all over this blog, and all over Twitter, all over my many mini-notebooks, in Word files, computer stickies, e-mails to the Samaritans, text messages, and whispering it to my cat. But I’m saying it again, damnit.
I’m ready to learn the lessons, in the least painful way possible, please. And move on to my next lessons. Preferably, with a much lower level of despair/anxiety/pain.
(I choose to believe that I’m going through all of this for a reason, because Mystery.)
Things to Tinker With:
-Being as present and as kind to myself as I can stand.
-Which involves realizing when I fall into the same ruts/patterns that I am trying to avoid.
-Doing more yoga.
-Connecting with Mystery before bed.
Wishing you courage Havi. In a paper heart painted with watercolours.
I love this so very very much:
“May all the perfect simple solutions show up, and may I remember that sometimes things that seem impossible are actually completely possible, in ways I haven’t thought of yet.”
Into the pot!
Altho I have toughed out a lot of surgery and recovery so far, i have to admit the benign neglect is starting to hurt my feelings, especially in light of the end of pain killers. Thereforem I would really really like some more TLC. I would liek the folks from my my office o send flowers. I would like for A’s trip ot here to happen, please Gawds, let her amke it out here! I’d like help not freaking out about being unable to drive, in pain, and at home with someone i’m now feeling very negatively about. so much stuff here.
so that.
also:
-increased clarity of mind
-being able to FInd the Useful and See what’s Already There
-speaking my needs and truth clearly, but not throwing shoes
-being in gratitude and recognizing the Good
Hi, lovely community–I’m a long-time Beloved Lurker, jumping in to the VPA pool!
The ask:
My sweetie is up for a job in New York that seems to be a great match for her capabilities; she’s been called back for a second in-person interview, which takes place tomorrow. I wish for her to have a terrific interview; for there to be excitement, learning and congruence on all sides; and for her to get the job under terms that will make us both happy, allowing her to commute and still keep our life rooted in the city we love.
Possible paths:
She could imagine herself already there, and speak from that place.
She could proactively ask what their remaining concerns are, listen empathetically, and address those concerns directly.
She could connect with her inner radiance and just SHINE.
The Universe can help the firm’s leaders recognize what an incredible contribution she would make.
My offering:
To give her my attention and support her in whatever way she needs in terms of preparing today and tonight.
To not assume that she needs the same things I would need in a parallel situation.
To trust the present.
To appreciate her, breathe, and send her grounded energy and strength tomorrow.
To love her up when she comes back.
Hello, all! Hello, VPA!
Thing #1
Final, putting to bed on the big situation-change stuff. This means sending a couple of emails, sorting a few things out on my end and clarifying what I need here.
Ways this could work:
Just get the emails going, and let the momentum carry me. Talk to my stuckness, which is valid.
My commitment:
To talk to my stuckness. To send the email. To find out about deadlines.
Thing #2
I have an interview! I’m so nervous! I picked the date that was farthest in the future because of my holy terror. What do I sayyyyyyy? I want to feel prepared, and I want to handle it in a ME-ish way.
Ways this could work
Think about what my actual answers are, and let them marinate, and see if I want to tweak anything for safety/privacy reasons
My commitment:
Play with this later this afternoon. Conversation with Post-Interview Me first, and then play with the questions second.
Thing #3
I’m feeling kind of awful. It’s nebulous, and yucky. What are you about, awful feeling? I would prefer if you made a departure.
Ways this could work:
Speak to what’s bothering me, and get to know what’s going on here. Give it some love and make it cookies.
My commitment:
To have a conversation. To give my feelings legitimacy, and welcome them in.
Thing #4
There’s this one pattern that I’ve been noticing for like EVER and I want it to change, drastically, but how? What am I not doing to move this change along? Because I want some relief, some shifts, some change.
Ways this could work:
I freaking don’t know anymore. More observation? I just am so tired of this.
My commitment:
To let myself desire a change, and try not to beat myself up. Or at least, notice when I’m doing it.
Thing #5
I have about 20 million thank you notes to write. I both love and hate writing thank you notes. I also love whenever this is all over and want to be there, not here, behind all of the work there is to do.
Ways this could work:
SO a time for some metaphor mousing!!! I’m not writing thank you notes, I’m sending secret messages across enemy lines. YES. Because, I’m a spy. Don’t tell them, or I’ll have to take you out. And by “take you out,” I mean giggle.
My Commitment:
Play with the metaphor to better and fun-tize this. Consider some rewards (returning the gifts and then getting the stuff that I want? A trip!?!? What a good idea… I love trips… Maybe I get to visit Henriette) and ways to make it pretty – good music, a candle, cleaning out more stuffs.
Thing #6
I need to reconnect with this board I’m part of, and I’ve avoided it because I’ve been MIA for like 5 months, and I need to change the email address where they send me stuff. Which means answering the question — why is your email changed? Which I don’t want to answer.
Ways this could work:
Ugh, not sure. Blahhhhhhhh.
My commitment:
To acknowledge this is hard for me, and that technically, I don’t HAVE to do this. I do hate being part of this board and joined for the wrong reasons. It may be time to create some boundaries around how I’m going to interact with this board going forward….
……………………………………………………………..
Major WHOA upon reflecting on last weeks’ VPA. So much actually happened!!!
The plane (proxy) took off!!! And I talked to my scared self, and that was really helpful. I still was feeling the BIGNESS of it all but got to a place of sovereignty, which is a huge for me.
More beautiful, simpler, and unexpected interior designer-me has arrived! She worked out some biznatch with the kitchen, and is letting it all be a work in progress. So, go her. Pretty shelf liners and removing cabinets, cleaning stuff out, organizing, putting up a lamp, taking stock of what wants to happen next and making it a PLAYlist of things to think about next.
Closet-stuff found a place to go! I hope it’s not too hot in the attic… I’ll check in a week or two and we can always move the stuff. All is so good.
OMG the yoga stuff!!! How long have I been talking about this?? AND THEN — I went!!! Note to self to record all of my reflections on what that was/is about for me.
Thing(s) I Want
Next Tuesday I fly away for three weeks of vacation. I want everything to go smoothly in preparing for vacation. I want work issues to resolve themselves or allow themselves to be cleared off my desk by Friday for a steady paced day of work on Monday. I want for clothes to be cleaned and packed ahead of time and all other sorts of provisions to be ready to go without a loaded stressful packing session the night before.
WTCW – I steadily work at everything bit by bit (and hopefully no new work problems pop up) and chunk away at things so they don’t stress me out last minute.
My Commitment – Patience, and to work on everything a little bit every day. Tonight, I will put my swim suits in my suitcase.
Other Thing I want – We’re refinancing our house maybe (for a lower payment 🙂 ) and I want to find last months misfiled pay stub and the tax return documents to send to the bank.
WTCW – it just turns up, because I couldn’t find it when I looked yetserday. Maybe it didn’t get filed and is now hiding under the bed?
My Commitment – to clean my side of the room and look in all the places it might be hiding.
@merge – thank you!
This bit was just for me, right?
“She could imagine herself already there, and speak from that place.
She could proactively ask what their remaining concerns are, listen empathetically, and address those concerns directly.
She could connect with her inner radiance and just SHINE”
You see, that was just what I need for my silent retreat ask!
Slightly wiser future me is whooping and shouting “Yeah! That’s what I said!”
A clew idea for the Room of Mystery (forgive me for saving some postage here):
a corner of blank wall. I was inspired and entertained by all the many jam-packed clews/what-nots in the Playground. And a good balance would be a little blank canvas for the mind in one area. Yes, there’s a white board, but that is for filling up — with actual doodles, which never quite live up to what is in my head.
So, I humbly submit my clew of no-clew.
(Hmm, maybe that is my VPA for the week: the quality of space, without pressure to fill it.)
Linda–so glad my words resonated with your silent retreat ask! I hope all is unfolding as you wish.
My sweetie did have a great interview Tuesday, and she’s now been asked for references, so there’s a good chance a job offer is in the works! Hope to be able to share a fuller update next week…
Deep gratitude for this shimmering space!
VIVA: you have touched on… something.
I think I need more space, more empty space, more restful space. I naturally gravitate towards clutter – joyful, joyous, rich, vibrant clutter, but clutter. Whatever about the Playground, I think I need to designate a Blank Space in my home.
Knowing me, I’ll probably paint THIS SPACE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK on it in big multicoloured letters…
What I want now? I want to do the things that make my life better. First I need to work out what they are, perhaps? @leannich helps with that.
Re-placing the same VPA from last week:
But really really what I want is the capacity to sit with other people’s crap and not need to tell them what I think about it or what they should do about it. To be able to soften to the situation and let it in, in all of it’s uncomfortableness and messiness and not need to try to compute it all like a robot and make it come out in a spreadsheet.
And going to sit on my meditation bench.
@merge – happy dance for your sweetie and a big thank you from me. All did all unfold as I wished and your words were a huge help. Got to love the helper mice!