Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Sunday! Personal ads!
For the 96th week in a row.
Let’s do it.
Thing 1: Figure out what might be the next steps in the soft.
Here’s what I want:
Last week I wanted to be able to make some video of my (highly entertaining!) Shiva Nata classes.
And it happened — astonishingly! — despite my massive stuck related to this particular form of being seen.
And now it’s just a matter of pressing the Pooblish button in a variety of places. But I haven’t. Because apparently I’m not done with this round of destuckifying.
Since everything is all set up and ready to go in the hard, it’s clear that I need to do some more work in the soft.
Ways this could work:
I can nap on it, meditate on it, dance on it and flail on it.
I can write love letters.
And use more Shiva Nata to get whatever the next insights and understandings are that will help me move forward.
Oh, and I can talk to the Interviewer or bring in a negotiator too.
My commitment.
To ask curious, loving questions.
To agree to not push.
To find out what I need, how I feel and what would help make this whole process easier.
Thing 2: Speaking of ease…
Here’s what I want:
I am seeing the dentist tomorrow, and I would like the entire experience to be as ease-filled as possible.
So I’m asking for grace, strength and a sweet, calm, sovereign something-or-other to get me through it peacefully.
Ways this could work:
Trust.
Wearing my sovereignty boots, of course. It helped last time!
I can take time before the appointment to write up a gwish-list.
And I can check in with the Book of Me and the Revue Anthology for reminders about other things that help and about how great my dentist is.
My commitment.
To breathe.
To adapt the Hello, Day questions for this particular appointment. To use the magic of metaphor. To hand out sparklepoints right and left. To myself, yes.
Thing 3: Lip balm!
Here’s what I want:
Specifically, remembering it.
I have little pots of lip goo everywhere, but I can’t seem to remember to use them until my lips are falling off.
And then as soon as they start healing up, I forget again.
So I’d like reminders. Or a routine. Or a ritual. Or some combination of all of the above.
Ways this could work:
I could ask Slightly Future Me who has already resolved this issue. Maybe she has advice.
And I can remove everything but lip stuff from my coat pockets, so that my hands will do the remembering for me.
My commitment.
To find out what needs to happen for me to have a more conscious, loving and harmonious relationship with my body.
To be receptive to doing (and perceiving) things differently as a part of that.
Thing 4: Rally prep.
Here’s what I want:
Ohmygod! Rally (Rally!)
I am crazy excited about the upcoming Rally, which is Rally #9 and which is going to be absolutely marvelous.
And there’s still lots to do to prepare.
Including some downtime for me, please. Or upside-down time, as I call it. Because I’d really like to be extra-rested before we swing into rallying mode.
Ways this could work:
I have not the slightest idea.
My commitment.
To play, play, play and find out what is needed.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Let’s see. I wanted a chalkboard, and lots of people suggested chalkboard paint, which is a super interesting idea. It won’t work for my purposes because the wall in question is a bumpy stucco-ey one — I appreciate all the creative excitement though!
My gentleman friend ended up tracking down just the right size of chalkboard, so that’s all taken care of.
I was working on a painful business-related pattern, and got some good thinking and processing done this week. It’s certainly not resolved but the shivanautical insights are helping lots.
Then I was doing some forgiveness work and I’m still doing it.
And I wanted enough confidence to be able to do a Shiva Nata video. And it totally worked because that class was so much fun, and I didn’t even notice the camera. Also, pink power wig! Yay.
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
Stuff I’d rather not have:
The word “manifest”. To be told how I should be asking for things. To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given unsolicited advice.
Much love for your gwishes! So happy to have you doing this with me.
Follow
-has just put on my lip goo- Thanks for the reminder. I’m so bad at this too!!
Last time: I asked that my dissertation be finished and I be happy with it/the result.
I finished it a day early; so at least had time to proof-read and send it to friends to proof. I don’t know if I could ever be truly happy with something that important (worth a year/33% of my degree). However, it’s done and dusted.
So..
Thing 1: Pattern-resolving.
Here’s what I want:
I’ve had a couple of shoes thrown at me this week, and this brought up a lot of my “taking-things-personally” patterns. This week I want to work on resolving some of this.. understanding why it’s there; what’s true and so on.
Ways this could work:
Talking about how now is not then.
Whats true and whats also true?
I love to look for the clews [been doing this all week]. Must look for them more?
Shivanata!
And possibly a meeting playdate with Slightly Future Me.
My commitment.
To be as kind to myself as possible [struggling with that this week]
To not be too attached to an answer.
Thing 2: Final Assignment/Assessments.
Here’s what I want:
I gave in my dissertation! Huzzah! And now I have two exams and an essay.
Due to a funeral on the deadline; I need to finish this essay by Friday; which means not taking as much rest as I’d have hoped. I’d like to fit in a reasonable amount of revision and essay-editing by Thursday.. To feel comfortable giving it in early and to know I’ve done enough work to take 4 days off to get home, go to the service, help with the wake and get home without rush.
Ways this could work:
I could.. dissolve my procrastination
To find the passages..
I’m not sure..
Shivanata?
My commitment.
To be happy with what I manage
To take rests too.
Have a great week all ?
Updates on last week:
1. I wanted: gentle movement forward on the Bikini Roto.
I got: gentle forward movement. By me, by allies, by others.
2. I wanted: Safety for my Mission. I got: a safe mission. Safety in my body and my mind.
3. I wanted: right arm pain gone. I got: the knowledge that I can live a fulfilling life with the arm pain. And some slight reduction in the pain.
4. I wanted: love. I got: being with people I love.
This week I would like:
1. More gentle movement forward. With good things and gentle people. And lots of kindness.
2. Clarity and boundaries with clients. I can be centered and present before talking to them and say this is where the line is.
3. More good clients. You know that kind that I like to work with.
4. Continued present-ness.
Oh. Wow. What a f***ing week it was. Progress on sh*t that hasn’t moved in forever, extraordinarily good luck (surrounding crappy circumstances, but the difference was $700 we don’t have to spend – hallelujah), and a general level of energy and optimism. It’s like somebody lifted a curse that had been on the house the whole time.
Huh. Note to self: look into curse countermeasures.
So! Thing 1: Energy, tolerance, and bravery going forward!
What I would like: We have a LOT of projects going on. I’d like to see them all get the love and energy they deserve.
Ways this could happen:
Talk to them every day and find out what they need.
Shivanata up a storm about it.
Tarot! Ooh. I haven’t broken out the cards in a while.
My commitment:
To be as patient and loving as I’m able.
Thing 2: Continued movement and gentle reminders
What I would like: For the issues I’ve solved to remain that way. For the projects I’m working on to continue. For the stamina to remain with them even when the going gets tough. To remember the fractal flowers, and the middle, the chickens, the Book of Me, and revues.
Ways this could work:
Make sure this stuff is in the Book of Me.
Make it a habit to do my chickens and revues again.
Read NVC and Priz again.
Read those saved posts again.
My commitment:
To be kind and gentle to myself.
To remember that it’s okay to do it at my pace.
To remember than getting out of the middle is as easy as saying you are.
Last week, I asked for a perfect, simple solution to a problem that’s been worrying me, and also for me to be able to be calm and confident while dealing with the problem. I don’t know yet how things will resolve, but I have to say, calm and confidence was the right thing for me to ask for! Even though things are still ambiguous, I feel so much more grounded, and it’s a huge relief.
This coming week is going to be, um, action-packed. I have to drive to Philadelphia to defend my dissertation proposal mid-week, and then hurry back in time to see my daughter play Miss Hannigan in her school production of Annie. Also, my parents will be visiting for the week.
What I want:
More calm, and more confidence. I feel that I’m on the right track, focusing on these qualities right now, and I believe that they can see me through whatever comes.
How this can happen:
–Excellent self-care.
–Keep building my resources, both external and internal.
–Remember to play, and hang on to my sense of humor.
My commitment:
–To be mindful and in the moment.
–To breathe.
–To be kind, to myself and to the people around me.
Love and luck for everyone’s VPAs!
okay, I’m making myself go back and look because I have this horrible feeling that I didn’t do ANY of the things I said I would do last week. Let’s see:
smoothies: done! Twice! Need a better recipe, but this works. I wish there were a way to get the kale small enough that it doesn’t still need chewing.
The Test of Doom: no! I didn’t study Even Once! I thought about it once. That’s as close as I got. But I did sign up, so maybe that will motivate me to study.
client goodness: got the massage clients for the most part. Might have one of the coaching clients. Which would be exciting. We shall see.
**
this week:
gwish! self care. I’m forgetting everything I learned in Portugal. That has to change. gwish! for planting the garden, gwish! for running and playing gwish! for creating my own spaciousness. gwish! for music gwish! for art gwish! for play. gwish! for not forgetting the Secret Playdate on Saturday with Maryanne.
gwish! for the feeling of balance. And the experience–not of balancing, dear Universe, but balance; not of stasis, but of consistent flow. River with water, river full but not flooding, river carrying me.
and gwish! that people who need my post on mother’s day not being alla that for everyone finds it.
today that is all.
Yay yay for VPAs!
What I want: Some more progress on my website redesign.
How this could work: I could figure out the elements that need help. I could do something to give them help. Answers could appear easily and magically.
My commitment: To ask for the help. To give time and attention. To be open to it being play, not just work.
Second thing: A clearer picture of the year to come.
How this could work: There could be paper and colored pencils involved. I’m seeing lots of scribbling and color and spreading out. I could ask different versions of myself what they think.
My commitment: To go to the bookstore this week. To not run away. To be with it, even if it seems no progress is happening.
Progress from last time: I asked for photography fun to happen when I visit PDX/Seattle, and it’s already happening! I gave my photo page some love, and a couple sessions are now set to happen. Yay!
A happy week to all, and fairy dust for everybody’s VPAs.
Last week I asked for good things around My New Thing, which was a blog about an “virtual trip”. I wanted to not neglect the other important things I had to do as well. Well, the trip is underway, and so far it has taken a lot of time and been a lot of fun. The other things I listed last week, gardening, yardwork, housework, all pretty much got neglected but not because of the blog. It was because my mother was here.
Here’s what I want this week:
* energy, ease, gentle movement, health, learning
* to get done what needs to get done and to not worry about the rest
My commitment:
* self-care
* use what I know to help me with what I want
* work on the Book of Me, including my Happiness Project (list of things that make me happy)
* to ask others for help when appropriate and to say no when I need to
Rose: yay for the dissertation!
Kylie: thanks for the fairy dust! It’s already on some of my things and they’re all sparkly now.
Here’s what I am asking for:
– The lower back pain that I have had since yesterday to vanish as quickly as it came.
– The cough that stubbornly refuses to go away to go away.
– The positive energy and love that I sent to someone to help this person through tomorrow’s challenge.
How this can work:
– Careful, careful about my back, not forcing movements, listening to which movements my body wants to do.
– Carrying on taking the disgusting cough drops.
– Sending more good thoughts.
My committment:
– Patience
– Trust
Love, love, love VPA’s.
Recently, I asked for help with anxiety and panic.
How this is working: I am slowly unmasking the monster behind the panic and fear. Three days without a panic attack! Yay!
What I am asking for: Success in banishing the monster from my energy field.
How this can work: Continued meditation and visualization, lots of positive internal energy. Following my intuition. Self compassion. Self trust.
Also, improved self care. Because I deserve it!
How this can work: More water. More fruits and veggies. Remember my vitamins. Pacing myself–not too much at once. Better sleep routine.
Progress on life stuff I need to get done and am behind with.
How this can work: Try for one task accomplished each day. Kindness to self and to others.
My commitment: When I am lost, I find my way back, mindfully and with kindness.
Last week I wanted ease and flow, which mainly happened. And when it didn’t, I was able to see which pattern it was throwing a spanner in the works. And I got my research report all done, even though it took way longer than I originally thought it would.
This week:
What I want: I really want the horrible hormonal weirdness to stop again please. As soon as possible.
How this could happen:
– magic
– bits of advices I’ve found might work
– could find an easy way around it
My commitment:
– Allow myself to be super frustrated, as right now this is really screwing up my entire plan for this week
– Talk to my body
– Be open to the idea that this could just poof! and stop and not turn into a long running episode of doom
What I want: I have so much stuff I want to explore this week. I want a way to do this without becoming overwhelmed. And preferably see some connections and ideas that weren’t there before.
How this could happen:
– I could do brain download journal of all the ideas I have right now
– I could use the KT
– I could make some lists. Yay lists!
My commitment:
– take some time out to rest
– talk to the monsters who will no doubt show up, giving me a beady eye or two
– remember that teeny tiny steps count to
– remember it’s ok to freak out now and then
update:
I wanted never-ending fatiguing cough to go away. I finally went to doctor and took the antibiotics and they really did help. No coughing.or headache.or exhaustion. Not even stomach issues. – yay.
This week.
I’d to get insights into impatience and general level of angry at Adman.
How this could work:
Usually this has something to do with my not being gentle with me. I’ll start there.
Commitment:
To being honest with me about what’s happening
To practice kindness and then expect same from others and then practice speaking from an integrity place, if needing to speak up for myself.
I love VPAs. Except so much of the time admitting I want stuff is hard for me. Working on it and getting better.
Thing I want – Sovereignity and being able to handle my grandparents shoes. Every time I see my grandparents, I feel as if they are judging me and criticizing my house and me. It leaves me emotionally drained, angry, and often leads to tears after they leave.
How this could work:
I could try to change which Mel is flying at the front of the V.
I could tell them that if they don’t have anything nice to say they shouldn’t say anything at all. Or at least try to set some ground rules. I think they still see me as a child is part of the problem.
I could try talking to my monsters with this.
I don’t know. If I could somehow just let them stop getting to me.
My Commitment: To be mindful of my emotions while my grandparents are there.
To be aware that their perfectionism is their shoe that they are throwing and I don’t deserve to be hit with it.
To put a Melissa at the front of the V who can catch their shoes without being hit by them and who won’t throw them back either.
Second Thing I Want: A way to share what I want for my b-day without coming across as selfish.
Ways this could work: People could actually ask me what I want for my birthday.
I could add a wishlist to my blog.
Put a wish list somewhere visible in my house… maybe put a little $$ thermometer for these wishlist items so it’s me saving for them or i could add them to my smartypig savings accounts and have my savings towards them pop up on my FB page, so that way people would know i want this stuff and give me money towards it or give me the items themselves.
My commitment: try at least one of these things more than just waiting.
This will be my first VPA in quite some time. This is primarily due to the fact that I started to feel silly and tired asking for what appeared to be the same stuff every week, seemingly to no avail. Worried that people would start noticing the repetition and wonder, “Why can’t this girl get off her ass?” Intellectually, I know this isn’t that kind of place. Apparently my Ego is master ventriloquist, able to project each of my psychotic neurosis upon even the most gentle of people. In the spirit of compassion, here I go:
Dear Universe,
I’m starting over. Again. While I’m not quite as pissed off as I have been in the past, I am still a wee bit resentful. Don’t worry. The anger will dissipate eventually. It’s worth noting that only a human being could be egotistical enough to assume that You would somehow be thrown off by a mere temper tantrum, however legendary mine may be.
I want to know, “Why?”. But most importantly, I want not feel lost. I want to function, to find my place in the world. Not like this perpetual limbering toddler who is still doesn’t trust what could be lurking under the bed.
I keep thinking that I’ve found my Thing. The Thing that will give me satisfaction (okay, and success, too). And now I’m looking back, shaking my head, and wondering how the hell did this one not pan out? Universe, do you not understand that thirty is bearing down on me like a flaming freight train from Hell? THIRTY!! Look, I’m not trying to be a brat. I know you’re busy and all, but is there any way that I can have some sense of accomplishment by the time the Big 3-0 happens? Rather than simply a collection of, albeit interesting, yet not professionally viable (for me) skills? “Ooh, look at me! I’m the crazy hobbiest!”
Come on. Really? Couldn’t this whole destiny thing be a bit grander? I don’t need, nor particularly want, to save the world from space invaders or giant spiders (a big “No” on that last one, I beg of you), but if I can just get a sign that I’m on the right track, I sure would appreciate it. A lovely job that filled both spirit and stomach. Give me the ability to take care of myself and those I love. And yes, I would like it to be something that kicks ass.
Thanks for hearing me out, Universe. You may hear me, You may not. But at least I’m not quite as pissed off as I was before. Good talk.
-Kaleena
What I am asking for:
Finally getting my first credit card without feeling like a traitor ( can you imagine I refused to take the first cahscard when they came up with it back in the eighties? I had to stare back at the bank clerk who looked at me like I was a crazy worm or something) -Money and banking is still not connected to much positive in my mind, even though I can see that money will take me magical places like the Orkneys or Hawaii and my -soon to come- credit card will let me open an etsy shop…
What I can do?
Exlore my feelings around the money issues
talk to my monsters
be patient and kind to myself
My commitment:
take some time to have a rendezvous with my body-self, like taking a bath
Sit with this money issues and maybe write something about that.