Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Wish-wish-wish-wish!
It seems as though I have lots of wishes this week. A lot of interrelated wishes.
They all have to do with the same things, though.
Spaciousness, patience, trust and approaching everything with playfulness and a certain willingness to be surprised.
Thing 1: nudging that miracle along…
Here’s what I want:
So last week I got a terrible heart-sinking piece of news, and I have been asking for a miraculous solution to show up.
And, interestingly, something miraculous did happen but not a solution. What happened is that something else came up to make me so deliriously happy that I am not at all worried about the terrible, terrible thing. However, terrible thing is still terrible, even though I am beaming and my face hurts from all the smiling.
Let it be said that I am hugely appreciating this beautiful glowing reprieve from a world of anxious, that part is good!
AND! I want a miraculous solution to the thing itself. Plus I think I can help it along by doing some things, so I want to figure out what they are and do them!
Ways this might work:
I could go somewhere relaxing (like the beach!) and make a list of All The Possible Ways.
And/or I could sit with a friend in a cafe and do this.
Then I can skype-date with Marisa and she can tell me which of the things to start with, because by that point I might not be able to choose.
Also I can do an OOD, that seems like a really good plan.
I’m playing with…
Staying connected to myself.
Doing shiva nata to mix up the patterns. Staying attuned to Play-Trust-Dance-Love.
Spending more time in the Hypothalamus (my glowing new office — it’s where I am right now!)
Thing 2: Adjusting the bat signal…
Here’s what I want:
This is metaphor mouse code for updating the wiki that we use for running Stompopolis. It’s where we keep all the information for the pirate crew.
There is much updating to update and I never feel like it because I have what feels like a billion trillion other things to do and blahhhh.
So I want to get excited about adjusting the bat signal. A form of attunement, everything lining up.
Ways this might work:
Maybe there are people who can partner up with me or sit with me while I do this. The Noodler is out of town but the First Mate? Or someone else?
I am not sure yet.
Danielle? Dana? Hmmm.
I’m playing with…
Wanting the want.
Changing the name.
Investigating!
Thing 3: Necessary steps related to the coronation.
Here’s what I want:
So. I took a giant step on a thing I wanted, and it happened, yay.
Except now there are countless little errand-ey things that need to be done. By me! In order for the next part to happen. This has very much not been happening.
And I have been crazy busy with opening Stompopolis, and also I think that maybe it doesn’t sound like fun?
So I need to find a window of time, and to find a way to make it fun.
Ways this might work:
I can ask Harmony. I can ask Havi Bell. Both of these people are me! Aspects of me…
I can invent some useful secret agent code for the different pieces.
And of course I can use the Floop!
Also I’m thinking this is going to require breaking out the monster manual.
I’m playing with…
RINGING ALL THE BELLS.
Right. Of course.
Thing 4: Plum! Duff!
Here’s what I want:
It’s almost Plum Duff time again.
Hooray for Plum Duff!
Except there is much work to be done for us to be able to tell people about it.
Again, I need some help. And I don’t know who can help me with this.
Ways this might work:
One of my friends could come sit with me while I work on it.
The First Mate and I could go to the Jumping Frog and have a day of outlining what needs to happen, and maybe we could divvy up tasks. Whee!
I’m playing with…
The superpowers of Willingness, Presence, Agility, Graceful Landings and Grounded Enthusiasm.
Also all the superpowers of Plum Duff. Like extremely tingly excitement! Effervescence. The superpower of ohmygod today is the best day ever!
Thing 5: The Crumblet!
Here’s what I want:
Okay, this requires some explaining. What doesn’t?
At the Playground, we have something called the PLUM, which is the Playground User Manual.
We’ve been developing a version of this for the pirate crew who run Stompopolis, and it is called the CRUMb. The Crew User Manual.
The silent ‘b’ can stand for anything. Like blissfulness. Or baked goods. I don’t know.
Some of the crew have been fretting about their responsibilities, and so we decided to make a mini version to give them. We do this for Rally too and it’s called a Plumlet. So of course this one is a Crumblet. This is a good thing!
Now.
I feel frustrated about this because a) I ALREADY HAVE A MILLION THINGS TO DO, and b) the main thing I ask of crew is that they work on their stuff when they are in their stuff, and now I’m coming up with a thing to help them with their stuff and agggggggggghhh this is just reminding me of how incredibly scared I am about how hard it will be to run an entire institution based on the principle of “work on your stuff, people” when the people in charge of it who have already been trained in this and are there to model it can’t necessarily remember to do this.
So part of my ask is about progress on the Crumblet, but really this ask is about working through both my frustration and my monster fears that running Stompopolis will turn out to be a giant pain in the ass instead of the beautiful vision of the humming castle.
Ways this might work:
More shiva nata, of course.
Doing some writing at Stompopolis.
Signing up for watches (that’s what we have instead of shifts) and observing.
I’m playing with…
Just planting this for now.
I don’t have to solve this yet. Just noticing the patterns and letting things begin to untangle through bringing in more awareness.
I am putting this entire situation in a box full of permission and love. And next week I will peek inside the box.
Thing 6: Let’s keep this beautiful slow-burning smile going.
Here’s what I want:
Last night I reached a kind of Buddha state of Everything Is Cosmically Beautifully Funny, and then I laughed.
I laughed for about forty five minutes straight.
Then I slept a delicious sleep for five hours, woke up and went back to laughing.
I giggled my way through the shower, and have had a gigantic smile plastered to my face all day.
I know that this, like everything, is temporary. But I would like to enjoy it for a while longer.
What if this could be a week of smiling broadly? Of being filled up on smile? I would like that!
Ways this might work:
Endorphin-inducing things. Like dance class and whatsit (that’s code for my Most Embarrassing Dance class) and old Turkish lady yoga and going for walks.
Playdate time with my playmate.
Remembering. Because yes, everything is cosmically funny.
I’m playing with…
This glowing smile that I am wearing right now.
Hope.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Interestingly, last week I asked for the same miracle. Except that I had absolutely no idea then how difficult the circumstances were going to turn out to be. So I think that last week’s ask brought me to the miracle of this current state of deep trusting joy, the joy that is here despite the terrible news.
And this week’s ask is taking it to a new place. A continuation.
I asked for ballsiness and I got it! In SPADES. It was awesome. More please!
Also I needed to find the missing piece of paper and I didn’t, but I found a different one and it was the right thing at the right time.
Then I wanted to inhabit the Hypothalamus, which was a big tangled scary ask, and it worked! Marisa and I worked and played here all week, and now it’s just my office and I’m not weird about it.
It still needs more things, but we moved in a table, found a beautiful tablecloth, added some chairs and stuff. It’s good. I’m there right now and it feels like home.
What else? I wanted to observe scripts and de-activate them, and YES! And I wanted to do things like a fairground stripper, and boy was that ever fun. I am re-planting that one because I want more!
Playful playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
Here or on your own or in your head. It’s all fine. Or call silent retreat!
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
If you’re looking for suggestions or heart-sighs or anything else related to your wish, you will need to ask for that because our default mode is giving each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We make space for people’s wishes.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
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😀
Ooh, state of Everything is Cosmically Beautifully Funny – I want one of those!
Visions for this week:
Space. To know there is space. I know there is space and time for everything bouncing in my head… but I’m hoping this week to have that really, really sink into my bones. Things I can do: work on my structures, look for the little holes that magically open my day up. Run through everything the day before, and make sure that nothing takes longer than I think it will. Find the bumps early, and smooth them out.
Logic. I have two forms to work through, and code to figure for each. They’re stepping stones for other projects. Things I can do: work on each for 10 minutes a day. Just 10 minutes. Nothing is scary if its only 10 minutes.
Rest. Sleep has been getting piecemeal. I’d like to get back to sleeping through the night, without sleeping pills. Things I can do: go to bed early, by myself, and listen to the sleep tape. Yoga before bed. Data dumping before yoga. Nice, deep breaths.
And more writing – just more and more – into the pot!
Update on last time: nightmare-free week! Sweet!
Into the pot: wishes for
* cooperative authors
* receptive readers
* the right fabric for sarongs, at the right price
* good weather for driving and riding and swimming and hiking
* quality time with my beloveds
* patience to wait for the answers I don’t have yet
and a Thing: let’s call it Project D, for Dayenu. This list I have for my trip, it is beyond ambitious. I want to be okay with not touching a single line of it if my body and brain just want to turn off and look at pretty quilts for ten minutes and then veg for ten hours. I want to feel it doesn’t have to be things-I’ve-traveled-to-see vs. things-I-brought-with-me-to-get-to. At the same time, I want to give Me Who Writes Things That Scorch and Slice The Paper They’re Printed On heaps of space and time for happy match and knife mayhem.
Plus there’s also some work that’ll have to come with me. Grrr.
WTCW:
* permission to pack my car with bundles of maybes
* permission to skip things
* permission slips in general
* some sort of stay-in-the-moment talisman?
I’ll play with: the monster who’s grumbling that I give myself far too much permission already — who’s as noisy as the monster who dwells on all the things I pass up every day to do what needs doing and save what needs saving. I’m thinking of smothering them with sheep. (I.e., the ones that aren’t doing me any good when the monster chorus howls up at 4 a.m.)
Or maybe sheep puppets? That sounds way more manageable at the moment. Monsters, meet sheep. Go muppet on each other for a while, yeah?
Warm wishes to and for all y’all.
Last time I wished for clarity around my fiction writing as a sustainable “thing.” I got that in unexpected ways — and lots of Shiva Nata. 🙂
This week, I’d like a sense of how the slider puzzle of my life fits together. And a sense/plan of how to “plant” more self-care and replenishment in, and still get things done.
This could work by: Hmmm. Playing with permaculture model? Doing an OOD? More shiva nata! (yay!) And doing some writing and playing with Cairene’s systems lab?
My commitment: To be open and not forcing it. To play consciously.
Sending much love, guys.
Progress report: I wanted ease and found it, most of it in an unexpected place. But it meant I slept deeper than ever, so thank you!
What I want this week.
Effortless conversations, please.
One with A about the application.
One with J about the division of labor.
One, or several, this Saturday.
Ways this could work?
I could be really well aligned with what I want for myself and for them and for the relationships.
They can surprise me with being open and wise and receptive. They have done this in the past!
I’ll play with:
The alignment exercise.
For A & J, taking notes in advance.
For Saturday, grooming my forcefield and selecting happy friendly qualities and also space and self-empathy.
My formerly silvery hair now has a large streak of gold thanks to lily Pollen. It doesn’t wash out. Truly the universe is in a funny funny mood. Giggles to all.
Update:
I wanted energy, patience and compassion which I probably had enough of considering the circumstances.
I asked bring all of me with me and to be okay with All-Of-Me-As-I-Am-Even-The-Unattractive-Bits which I forgot about and then remembered.
And I wanted information about leaky energy and got a dumptruck load of information about that. I will be more specific this week.
Writing, reading, dragon-taming, calendar-compiling, projectising time, yoga class and find a place for everything did not really happen so I will replant those asks.
This week….
Thing 1: sleep
Switching off and getting into bed before 10.30pm every night. What gets in the way? Setting things up. Taking notes on how I feel when I sleep more.
I’ll play with: Conscious Entry capers. OOD? Making our room beautiful and inviting.
Focussing on this as The Project This Week. All things are pointed towards THIS project and fractal flowers other things will also be enlightened.
Which, if nothing else, will be more productive than flogging the dead horse unanswerable questions my brain is currently drawn towards.
*fairy dust*
Into the pot:
* a kind and considerate dentist
It has been over 5 years since I’ve seen a dentist and my monsters say I will have 50 cavities and my gums are diseased and the dentist will yell at me.
I wish for a Portland dentist who will speak to me truthfully and kindly. I wish for a Portland dentist who will allow me to feel scared and will help me take care of my teeth.
I am very open to suggestions/advice around this.
* more spaciousness at work
I am going to silent retreat but I want more autonomy and joy in the workplace.
Sending much love, skipped stones and heart sighs to all the wishers, everywhere, even if the wishes don’t get peeped out loud.
Having been away for a couple of weeks, and about to go away again, I’ve missed this ritual (although mentally I sort of kept up with it while on the road). And in this brief eye of Home in the storm of Away, I feel like everything swirling just outside my force field is going to hit me like Hurricane Irene, whenever IT is ready, and not I.
So here are my asks:
• Swift, easy, joyful completion. There are two big, huge, can’t-be-massaged deadlines this week, before I leave again. They must be crossed off and over with grace and aplomb…or hell, with awkwardness and kicking-and-screaming, but they must be done. And I’d much rather with the grace and ease and flourish! I am invoking the superpower of REMEMBER RALLY to help with this.
• Ballsiness, and nonchalance and even maybe some sense of fun during said ballsiness. I have to step out of my comfort zone, and soon, in order to do take the next step for my business/tiny sweet thing. It’s very, very mundane, and tons of other Pirate Queens and Art-Swashbucklers do it every day, but I have never done it, and it involves things I don’t understand, and about eleventy-billion other things that I try to avoid whenever possible (hello, introvert!), because, well, dammit!! I think the way to make this work is to dress up for Halloween as the Me Who Can Handle This. I feel like a Snydely Whiplash moustache might be in order.
• New fox tunnels out of the videogame. There are two big, possibly ugly, confrontations looming on my horizon. One I initiated, because I finally said the thing that needed to be said. The other has to do with a situation that has nothing to do with me—but involves family and a great deal of anger that I was chosen as a confidant over this, and the aggrieved parties weren’t. So the potential future confrontation is being held over my head like a guillotine, and casting a mighty big shadow over everything else. So I want my freedom back. I want out, and I want it gracefully, even if it requires some slippery foxiness on my part. To help with this, I am playing with the superpower of IT’S NOT ABOUT ME, IT’S ALSO ALL ABOUT ME.
That’s it. Force field!! Love to all.
Here’s what I want: an epic, joyful shift in the pattern. (Silent retreating on the details.)
Ways this could work: Change lots of little things, to blaze a trail for the big things.
I’m playing with: visions of me — Incoming Me, and also Present (Present!) Me.
This week my gwishes are:
1 Movement on the web of conditions that feels big horrible and trapping right now. A shift, an opening, a change in the pattern, more ease and miraculously somehow in the desert more of what I need. More gas in my tank. The universe to throw me a hail mary pass & me to catch it.
2. Metaphysical Denny’s to be resolved, done, easy, happy, off my plate, joyful & hopeful & a relief to all involved.
3. The whole thing entered into scrivener by this point next week, happily & easily.
4. A lovely shift in the monster lollapalooza that is me & bedtime/sleep/ work/ schedule. A way forward that doesn’t feel like deprivation. Happiness, peace, ease.
xoElizabeth
The Time-Space Continuum, Again
The perpetual question: am I going out of town? Or: what are my plans? Or: why do my plans keep falling apart? I want to be able to make commitments and keep them! I want to know what city I’ll be in later this week!
So this is about structure, stability, clarity, flow, right-timing, and surrender.
More of these things.
I’ll play with: Flailing and seeing what comes up.
The Space-Time Continuum
Oh my dear god are we ever going to get unpacked from moving? Are we ever going to stop bleeding excess things into pawn shops and ebay and Goodwill?
I would like this. More releasing. More congruencing. More clarity. Clarity all around! Room to walk through the living room! Beauty and present time!
I’ll play with: Shiva Nata! Working in mini sessions. Noticing.
Finishing August
I have three big projects I wanted to accomplish, business-wise, in August. One of them is partway done.
I would like massive, joyful progress! Filled with ease and anticipation and delight.
I’ll play with: My project. Stompopolis, if I’m in town. Going on walks.
Last Time
I wanted to get back in my swing, and I did. Yay for being in your swing! I also asked for sparks of appreciation *and* for writing, which were hugely interrelated, and there is both a blog post I’m proud of *and* an ebook-in-the-making. I also uncovered several giant FLAMES of appreciation I hadn’t been seeing. Yay! And then I wanted progress with los oidos and they don’t hurt but I still miss Spanish. Reasking.
All of them were secretly about spaciousness, and when I focused on spaciousness, the most. amazing. thing. happened. I’m still all trembly and grateful.
I want to stop acting like a hurricane! I want to be calm and peaceful seas the kind that are safe to sail across in a lounge chair.
I want my house to be clean (yay! I took out the garbage) and I want to drink Coca-cola and eat chicken. (I live at a vegetarian and sugar free monastery which is GOOD FOR ME I KNOW but I want the good feelings of… coke and chicken)
Dear Reiki energies, please support me. Andrew Panda (he’s my guide among others) please direct everyone in flow so that we all have ease.
Please bring the right makeup for wedding party.
Ah, haven’t VPAed in so long. Only gwishes for today though.
I gwish:
– the furniture move goes smoothly
– I have more energy, less depression, less grief
– little-me stops feeling so lost and scared and certain that everything will fall apart, or, present-me learns how to gently diffuse the power of this narrative
– my courses for next year get sorted out
– I’m able to do something to make up for the missed deadline
– I can find that place in me that holds generosity, graciousness, space, love, warmth and strength
– I can find a good source of protein for post-workout replenishment
– I am able to do more activisty stuff, maybe find a regular volunteer placement thing at the women’s shelter
– I am able to handle all my commitments with ease
Sending love and possibility to everyone’s VPAs and gwishes 🙂
I gave myself permission to skip this ritual last week, but now I’m getting back on the bandwagon.
1) Emergency-introvert-recovery time needs to happen this week. I have been allowing other things to put off this trip for a while and it MUST happen this week.
Ways this could work: Talking to future me; drawing a line; delegating, practice the phrase “I’m going now, but I’ll be back.”
2) Painting my room. I have the paint, and the brushes and the tape. Now all I need is the initiative!
Ways this could work: Creating a soundtrack, taking up that offer of help; flow.
3) Permissions. Permission. Permission. I have been so in my stuff the past couple weeks. Lots of things happening outside of my influence, lots of scripts about too-much and no-control and why-me. I’m asking for a big permission slip to just be present with all my stuff this week without judgement. Observation, field notes, just noticing.
Warm wishes for everyone’s gwishes this week!
Okay, so there’s this weird in-law thing going on and I want it to become less weird. I don’t know what to do about it, if anything, in fact I don’t actually know what is going on! So my first ask is for clarity and understanding
There’s a possible family reunion brewing in the indefinite future where I will have to face this weird in-law thing and I want to run away from it but I don’t either really because I think it would be good for me to face the thing I fear, especially since I don’t actually know what it is. If it is real.
Lots of monster talk about this.
I can’t sleep because of it!
My biggest and clearest gwish is that the reunion, if it happens, when it happens, will turn out to be lots better than I expect.
Ah, VPAs…
For me this week:
#1) A hope for the perfectly perfect awesome solution for the terribly tangled *cucumber* challenge that has been around for some time. I don’t want to think of solutions, I just want it to untangle itself somehow in the perfect way.
How it might happen:
Don’t know and don’t want to stress thinking about it.
What I’ll play with:
Being aware. Maybe being curious. Trusting the knots can be untangled without me directing the movement. Patience that it can happen in its own time without me putting a time frame on it. Prayer.
#2) The right words coming! I’ve been struggling with finding the right words for my new site FOREVER now… (well, two weeks or so). I’m frustrated that I’ve blown my own lead times and also irritated that some part of me is doing this on purpose. I’ve been circling around the words and the form, but nothing concrete YET.
How it might happen:
I might sit down and just push something out or rework what already is, just to move forward.
I might get inspired and have a lava flow of words rush out.
What I’ll play with:
Rethinking the self imposed deadlines… why did they exist in the first place and what am I basing them on?
Being curious and asking the wall questions.
Appreciating that my focus hasn’t slipped even though I can’t find the words… (so maybe the perfect words aren’t as necessary as I think?)
Being patient and cutting myself slack…maybe the pressure is the reason the flow feels cut off right now?
Prayer. Movement. Long showers.
#3) Nesting, nesting, nesting… I want to feather my nest but I’m not moving forward and I wonder why?
How it may work:
Just picking a paint color and going with it to see how it feels
Laying in the floor and playing imagine
Scanning craigslist and running across inspiration/ the “eureka” moment.
What I’ll play with:
scanning craigslist
talking to more walls (both my internal ones that keep me from feathering and the walls of the rooms I want to feather)
Prayer