Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Thing 1: North = Courage.
Here’s what I want:
I am going through this Thing That Is Not An Identity Crisis but doesn’t have a name yet.
Some sort of ritualized process of passage and crossing. Loss and recovery.
This hugely important (to me!) thing that my life used to focus around is gone and no longer relevant. The gauge for all of my wishes, desires and decisions over the past decade has consistently been something like: “Does this further X? Does this help me support X?”
And now there is no more X.
I need a new gauge. I need my compass back. And I need courage. Courage because courage is north. And courage because I need help remembering that this sensation of the dislodged compass is temporary.
Ways this might work:
Conducting and Compassing. These are two things that I taught at the Crossing the Line retreat, and I made everyone practice them a billion trillion times a day. That was to help them with their crossings.
Now I see that I was also seeding it for mine.
Remembering to orient myself in space and say hello to north. Choosing the north side of the street when there is an option.
Drawing. Writing. Dancing. Sleeping. Crying. Dreaming.
I’m playing with…
Trusting that in six months I’m going to think that losing X was the best thing that ever happened to me. And allowing myself to grieve while it still hurts.
Thing 2: hello, just-right case for sunglasses
Here’s what I want:
A beautiful case for my sunglasses that is soft and sturdy and lightweight all at the same time.
Something that can live in my bag and will keep my sunglasses from getting squooshed and scratched. The case I have right now is too bulky, both in size and weight, and then I end up leaving it out of my already-heavy bag. But not some flimsy crocheted thing, I want it to have some substance.
Ways this might work:
Maybe people reading can leave recommendations. Please do!
Maybe I will find something lovely on Etsy.
Maybe I will discover something while wandering around Portland.
Maybe it will just find me.
I’m playing with…
Asking. Noticing. Being on the lookout.
Staying connected to (and hanging out with) the qualities that seem important here: Simplicity. Beauty. Protection. Comfort. Congruence. Newness.
Thing 3: Announcing the announcements!
Here’s what I want:
I am doing a very unusual thing this year.
And. This [un-named thing!*] is the only thing I will be offering in 2013, other than the Floop.
It will also be the basis (and prerequisite) for everything that comes next.
It is, in my mind, the absolutely most important thing I could be sharing from all of my work. And it is at the very heart of everything else I teach.
And I am introducing it in a very indirect way. For a reason.
So I will be talking about the calendar. And about the class I am teaching about time. Because these are kind of symbolic and real cornerstones of the thing that is coming.
* It has a name, of course. It is just a quiet whispered-in-the-heart name for now. Waiting for the moment of the birth to say it out loud.
Ways this might work:
I will walk in circles and repeat the name.
I will mark out steps with stones.
I’m playing with…
Sweetly and lovingly welcoming the tiny sweet thing with delight, pleasure and quiet adoration.
Thing 4: The calendar!
Here’s what I want:
Our 2013 calendar is ready, and it is amazing. I love it even more than last year’s and honestly, I did not think that would ever be possible.
It has gorgeous photos of the Playground and Stompopolis. And buttmonsters!
It is filled with hidden clues. With sweetness and mystery. And it exists to give you playful, calming, inspiring, wonder-filled moments when you need them.
Twelve beautiful qualities. Twelve unlikely superpowers. Twelve chances to name the moon.
God I love this calendar. It is beautiful and play-filled, and it secretly builds conscious containers for time and for passaging through things.
Right, what I want. Okay! I want the fifty two people who want to have this calendar to pre-order theirs. And I want to tell some of the stories about unlikely, surprising and extraordinary things that happened because of last year’s calendar.
Ways this might work:
Maybe I will tell some stories on the Floop and then bring them here.
Maybe I will post pictures.
I’m not sure yet.
I’m playing with…
Giving you the link to the Gwish Kit, which is the only way to get the calendar and my class about time:
http://TheFluentSelf.com/gwish-kit-3
p.s. The class on time will be a prerequisite for the one program I’m doing in 2013. And! I’ll be sending the first information about this program to the people who get the Gwish Kit, because it is doubling as a secret doorway.
Bonus wishes, please!
Some of these are secret agent code and some of them are things I’m silent retreat-ing on. Some are qualities that will help. And some are almost pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- The superpower of Nothing Is Wrong. Also: remembering.
- Feeling queenly in unlikely moments.
- More notes for the Book of Me. And the whole Year of the Book Of Me. Because that’s happening too.
- Magic and dragons!
- An ease-filled and successful visit, speaking of the above, to the Department of Magical Voyages aka the DMV.
- All the flowers.
- Warmth.
- Focus.
- Laughter.
I’m playing with…
Breathing and conducting.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Last week I asked for peacefulness, and that is hilarious, because pretty much immediately after that I got hit with a wave of premenstrual rage.
So I got to experience very clearly what NOT-peaceful is like. And then the peacefulness landed.
I was able to write the four hard letters. I don’t know if the hard situations have been resolved, but I feel much calmer about them. And I found some good places to hide. Progress. Yay peacefulness. May it stay with me.
Playful playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
Here or on your own or in your head. It’s all fine.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
If you’re looking for suggestions or heart-sighs or anything else related to your wish, you will need to ask for that because our default mode is giving each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We make space for people’s wishes.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Follow
I am in love with the 2012 calendar. Switching the month, looking forward to the chickens, soaking in the qualities… LOVE.
I would like [silent retreat!]. Which is also a proxy. What do I know about silent retreating?
Courage, oh yes. Even amidst the (thing-that-is-not-a-Crumbling-but-a-Shedding). Turning towards courage all day long, like a flower. Coeur: heart. Turning towards my heart. Warm wishes for your courageous week Havi. Namaste.
Thing 1: momentum and agility
Stuff needs to get done, smoothly and without drama and struggle for preference. (Duh!) Clarity and truth have landed. In-the-real-world life needs to shape itself around truth now. I’ve been moving towards it already, even before truth landed (hmmm interesting), but glacially slowly. But there is some energy and force in a glacier (just a little) and I want it to pick up speed and momentum and power and to channel this and contain it and direct it.
I’ll play with: boundaries, noticing and plugging energy leaks and dissipations. The deguiltified chicken board. Bringing all of me with me: feel the [____] and do it anyway but in a non-violent way. (A snappier phrase for that idea would be cool too. Arjuna. Peaceful Warrior. Saying ‘yes’ to all of it. Permission based change.
Thing 2: desire and discernment
I have a long history of having lots of great ideas and theories about how I ‘should’ live and ‘could’ live, and a very short history of thinking about ‘how do I WANT to live? Me. How do IIII want to live?’. I would like to play with ways to tune into my desire. And to trust them. To be just impressed enough by them and also not impressed. Useful information!
I’ll play with: making space. If I make the space and stay connected to my heart, I believe that what I want and need will come to fill it. I make space by saying yes. I say yes by asking questions I want to say yes to.
*fairy dust*
So excited for the calendar! Wheee!
Okay, this week, this week, already, my goodness.
Gwishes/visions:
1. Write a lot and let revisions to last part arrive and it is magical, conjured, effortless, done for now by next Monday, let go of mousy energy/Virgo energy perfectionism and let it go. Let the transitions, the clarifications, arrive effortlessly.
2. New moon eclipse Tuesday tmrw: do the 10 wishes. I got a huge beam of something today, a day early, something weirdly strong and clear, a superpower called Super Scorpionic Focus. It’s the ultimate elevator shaft, amputates any energy that isn’t helpful for the super focus goal. Which right now is #1. Overwhelm disappeared, and I can see how that can continue for the next goals. Nobody else’s worries, even my own, exist under the laser beam of Super Scorpionic Focus
3. Absorb this vibe and also assimilate changes from Super Scorpionic Focus: communicate boundaries with (silent retreat), amputate/disappear from (silent retreat), allow the new real change to happen, see how February could happen, how space and (silent retreat) can happen. Waste no time can happen. Value can happen. Yay Super Scorpionic Focus.
I like my Vera Bradley sunglass case. It’s hard-shelled with a quilted fabric outside. It might be bulkier than what you’re looking for but it doesn’t feel heavy to me and fits in all of my purses (except for my dressier clutches). My case has lasted over a year and I’m not very careful with it.
Mmmm, gwishing warmth and goodness for all the visions here.
My vision this week: for the proxying of lamps and tables to continue being super awesome, and for more more more of the post-epiphany sparkles to land and make the house brighter, me brighter, the day brighter. And for this to fractal flower over all the rest of the stuff I’m silent retreating on. May it be so.
CALENDAR! *pounce*
Lessee. Last week I wanted to find a printer to do paper cutting for me, and to find a way toward compassion for people from the opposite side of the political spectrum from me.
I found the printer almost immediately! Via email, so I didn’t have to phone. And he was really nice, and I got to pet his tiny dog, who was very sweet and did that soft-mouthing-play-bite thing I find so charming. Yay! AND the printer didn’t charge me for cutting my 120 parent sheets OR my 8 text blocks! YAY!
And all week I’ve been running across things about finding common ground with our political opposites, including a really cute video starring Kid Rock and Sean Penn. Very cool.
This week, I want to find a way to get my daily meditation practice restarted.
Ways this might work:
– I might find myself able to get up earlier in the morning.
– I might find it easier to go to bed at night knowing I’m going to start my day off in a way that supports me feeling calm the rest of the day.
– I might change my routine and do my sitting at night?
I’m going to play with all of these! Also maybe some Shiva Nata. When in doubt, Dance of Shiva!
Woo-hoo, Calendaroo!
This week, I’m gwishing for ease and comfort for my cousin’s family dog Gus (my dog-in-law?) who has chronic kidney disease and isn’t very comfortable right now. And for my cousin who started a new (part-time) job but now also has to make arrangements for more vet visits, cleaning up accidents, and unexpected expenses. Even though it is a large household, everyone has schedules that will make her the primary caregiver. I can help but she lives 90 miles away and probably thinks she can’t ask for much. Plus she is used to people-illnesses with finite durations, and is trying to figure out how much support she can give to “just-a-dog.”
Update on last week: all the shades of blue are really helping. My thanks to those of you who made suggestions!
What I want: [silent retreat]
Ways this could work: Fractal flowers. Everywhere.
I’m playing with: Superpowers. And blue, of course.
Bon courage a tout le monde.
Hello Tuesday Visioning. Let’s go!
Thing One:
I want: a more nurturing relationship with pain.
I have a tendency to either a) ignore pain and keep on moving until I can’t possibly move anymore or b) become convinced that the pain is FOREVER and then curl up in a ball feeling helpless. I want to find the balance point between these two extremes.
I’ll play with: taking breaks even when I feel I don’t need them yet; turtle steps; NOT being the hero; giving myself permission to feel ugh if what I feel is ugh.
Thing Two:
I want: protective force fields.
Being in recuperation mode means thats I am extra-sensitive to everything. ie. ambient noise, other people’s tone of voice and attitudes, music and pictures of baby animals (yeah, I know). I want to recalibrate my force fields to create a protective [thing] that will cushion me while I heal WITHOUT actively driving people away. Past themes have included: creepy dark ninja warriors, thorns, whirlwinds, and fog cloaks, but those, while a useful tool when walking alone on dark city streets at 3 am, are a little TOO effective at keeping people away for what i need now.
I’ll play with: bubbles? cushiony layers? with spikes? Suggestions welcome on this.
Thing Three:
I want: a peaceful going-to-bed ritual.
A new pattern has surfaced in the past couple months. No matter how tired/exhausted/drained I am, I NEVER want to go to bed. I walk to the bathroom to brush my teeth, and then on the way back upstairs discover 100 millions-billion (monster number) chores that haven’t been done (wet laundry not put in the dryer, dishes left lying around, food prep materials left out, garbages not emptied, dog’s water bowl needs filling etc etc etc) and suddenly they have to be done because everyone else in my household is asleep. By the time I get to bed, I am furious. And then it takes 45 min lying in bed feeling angry before I can drift off to sleep…
I’ll play with: not sure. Brushing my teeth by candlight to keep the “sleepy” mood? Asking for help. Exploring the pattern behind the pattern (I have a suspicion this is a ptsd thing left over from that time i had to sleep on a couch near the door with a knife under my pillow in case people from breaking into the house…)
Free hugs offered to those who want them! —> (( ))
It’s been so long since I have read your posts & just haven’t been keeping up with my reading at all, but I do know 2 things: I remember something about a duck & I knew I had to touch base with you after reading this one. This post made me so happy that I can’t stop crying! Ok, so it sounds weird, but it really touched something in me that I have been missing. My fun, creative self has been M.I.A. for quite some time for many reasons. I now realize that I can’t make others happy if I am not & that being my fun, creative self can actually work for me with a little effort. I always hear that if you do something you love, then it isn’t work. It’s time for me to do it. For real this time!
Thank you so much for still being here (especially when I need it)
Collette
YES YES for the calander! And now it will be my first live online class with you and I am so excited.
And !! I thought there might be something brewing or 2013, and it would be new, and does it have something to do with shining ? And I cannot wait to find out.
Blowing all the bubbles and sending 10 roses in all the colors.
It’s been a while.
flowers all the time, everywhere, is very helpful. I’vwe been buying myself flowers more often and surprise! my space is clean and beautiful and yes it feel very good
Vision #1. Deeper Flailing.
WIW: I’vbe been Flailing for 2 years now and I LOVE it. I’m pretty close to “mastering” (hahahha) Level 1. I want a deeper practice with this, and learning that Shivanauticon was posponed and the Rallies are far less often…all of this made me feel kinda disenfranchised. I want to get to a deeper place in my practice.
WTCW: Part of Operation Natasha is supporting an identity shift I call “leni who makes yoga a priority”, and strengthening that Leni will surely strengthen my Flailing.
I could Flail about this and ask the question (meta-Flailing!). I could Hum this intention.
I culd include Flailing in my Entering the Day ritual, or I could make time to Flail at lunchtime ( i have space and time for it).
I sugned up on Andrey’s website and on the ShivaNata page on Facebook, so that feels resonant and like a good baby step.
I could talk to the folks at the yoga studio about using the space on Sunday afternoon for Denver area ShivaNauts
and maybe try to get a SHivaNAta meetup happening. Many opf these things seem like nobrainers but are also TERRRIFYING to me.
ICT: Flailing, being playful about it. Journaling when i Flail and working on getting faster and smoother.
Vision 2: Playmates for Fluent Self playtime.
WIW: I want to use the Fluent Self tools and Art of embarking more consistently. I’d like a gang of folks to work these practices with.
WTCW: Well, someone on the blog had this same VPA but I have not been able to find her comment and try to connect with her.
I could Flail about this and Hum it up.
I could mention it here and on Livejournal and to my various friends online.
ICT: Holding this dream and wishing into it. Flailing. Talking about this so I can find the Right People.
From past VPAs:
-iasked for greater abilities to ork toegther and communicate smoothly, and that’s happened. Lots more ease and flow in the house, less frustration and anger.
-also less yelliung at the kids! awesome!
-despite my body’s perversity in gaining so much damn weight lately, more Movement is bring lots of gifts and benefits, not least of which is deeper body-mind-spirit connection and communication and greater strength and endurance
This week I’m invoking the SuperPowers of Knowing the Next Thing to Do, and Finding the Time For What’s Imprtant.