Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Thing 1. Learning more about my relationship with Thing X.
What I want.
Well, I really wanted Thing X.
Thing X seemed like a great thing to want, because it was not at all dependent on other people or technology or anything else. It was a thing I could do — and wanted to do — for myself. With ease. All that was needed was for me to agree to set aside an hour for it.
And then I didn’t. And then I did.
But due to tired-induced zombie-state, I messed up one tiny thing while preparing for Thing X that resulted in NO THING X AT ALL FOR ME.
This was the moment at which I discovered just how attached I am to Thing X, and to the happening of Thing X. And to specifics. Nothing could be substituted. Only Thing X would do.
I also learned that I had been deeply intensely craving Thing X, not just slightly-wanting it. In fact, I didn’t even realize until it was not longer an option that I had been counting on Thing X to make up for [all the other things].
What I want here is to reveal truth. Gently, steadily and lovingly. In the safest ways possible. To investigate — with sweetness — my relationship to Thing X, and find out what needs some rewriting.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Curiosity. Play. Presence. Shelter. Steadiness. Plenty. Release. Trust
And the superpower of remembering that there is always a way of getting the essence of what I want, if not the form. Sometimes even in a better form…
More about what I know.
Thing X is related to:
Comfort. Solace. Getting quiet. Getting insight. Reconnecting to myself. Warmth. Being deeply present. It is also like a mikveh (pictures) in that you emerge from it in a different state than when you enter.
It is immersion in something important and vital.
I also know that I do not take my need and desire for Thing X as seriously as one would think, given how much I love it and crave it.
I know that Thing X has been a part of my life in some form forever.
Ways this could work.
Renaming Thing X. Possibly with metaphor mouse.
Or inventing a proxy.
Or using an acronym. Making it secret agent code. Turning it into a secret spy op.
But mainly: playing. Not letting it be this gigantic tangle of Havi Stuff that my monster crew want me to think it is. Because it isn’t.
Remembering that fear, pain, grief, whatever comes up is legitimate and understandable. Recognizing that part of learning to give myself what I need is coming to terms with the fact that yes, I am super conflicted about this. Even just with the phrase. What I need.
This is going to require some safe rooms for me-from-then.
I’m playing with…
Water. Looking at water, thinking about water, finding out what I know about water.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.
Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- Two hats want to come into the world.
- Bond Girl says: Love The Edges.
- Operation Playing With Timing.
- Continuing to protect strong radiant glowing boundaries by continuing to gracefully decline everything that isn’t wildly appealing in that moment.
- Operation S.A.Y. Y.E.S.
- Playfulness.
- The kind of healing that happens with laughter.
- I want what I want, and I am okay with wanting what I want. Releasing attachment to form, getting closer to essence.
- A sovereign answer to an unsovereign question.
- Miracles at Beach Day.
- Miracles at Stompopolis!
- What if everything else I am working on could be like FLOWERS?
- Operation F.L.O.W.E.R.S.!
- Conduct. Breathe. Conduct. Breathe.
- Bond Girl takes lead, and we delight in the thrill of anticipation, readiness, adventure, steadiness and glowing the glow of what is coming.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Courage. Wonder. Tingling presence. Radiating. Alertness. Glow. Capability.
And the superpower of remembering that everything is my ally if I want it to be.
And seeing the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
Taking a break from [thing that is uncomfortable] for however long feels right.
Operation B.A.T.H.T.I.M.E.
Asking Bond Girl.
I’m playing with…
Trust and play. Trust in play. Trust the play. Trust is play.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Things that have already come to life: Sexy strappy sandals happened! Though not flip flops. Marisa and I took care of a big thing from the list. I went to Actual Beach Day for the first time since September.
What else? I maintained boundaries. The misunderstanding did resolve in laughter.
Agent S. returned safely from the New Orleans mission except in the meantime I discovered new things about myself and about the agency that changed the mission and my relationship to it. Agency! The mission Agent S. is currently undertaking (if that is in fact the mission) is not something I can play with. So that is new, and it is one of those things that is sad-and-good at the same time. Mostly good.
Everything else can percolate for now. And a wish from a long time ago about flowers came true this morning in the most marvelous and unexpected way!
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
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Love and warm wishes for your relationship with Thing X dear Havi. I believe in you. xxxxx <–these are meant to be kisses of course, not tiny pin-pricking reminders of aarggh Thing X. Hmmm… er… *mwah*? Or just glowing warmly in your general direction. Take your pick! <3
Gwishes
* school holidays that don't entirely suck. Calling on Agent C. <–geddit?? I am SO PROUD of that one.
* untangling my resistance-filled relationship to taking magic potions, needing magic potions, etc.
* extreme sovereignty in the context of (oh god!) another person. (WOW. I KNOW.)
* all the provisions. For it to be easy.
* for courage. And maybe a Barrington-style assistant except one who knows about camping. And ease.
* for energy in my body and rest and sleep and conducting and yoga nidra and health and replenishing and thriving and support and all the fractal flowers about these things.
*fairy dust*
Holy CROW! Those pictures are amazing. This is the http://salempearce.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/image.jpg that I would like to build in my house. That I do not currently live in….
And, wow! I got a good clew here about unconcsciously wanting Thing X to make up for Things R, S, T and U. Oh yes. Thanks for that clew!
Hey, y’all. Hello, week. Hello, tulips-about-to-open…
Progress report: April 1 was not icky. Ending [a] included a hug. I got enough sleep. I successfully bid on a new project and have a lead on another possible job.
Into the pot:
* the refund Inept Store processed almost a week ago — which has not shown up in my account yet. I would like for it to come through without me having to revisit the store.
* Software woe. My efforts at troubleshooting haven’t yet yielded the right fix. I would like the fix to show up and solve the crashing without demanding more time or $$ from me.
* Fresh fish
* Fresh produce, sans hidden ick (*glares at residue of last week’s half-rotted sweet potato*)
What’s inside the basket? Nourishment. Trust. Reliability.
And the superpower of Not Getting Derailed by Bugs.
Ways this could work: Giving things more time to show up. Giving myself permission not to be the macher. Asking different questions about the incidents. Re-categorizing the missing/wasted money as contributions to [x] making a living rather than me being insufficiently on guard.
Playing with: Housecat Mind. I do not have to be the mighty hunter this week. I do not have to stalk the latest fluttering thing. My job is to tease the dog, purr when petted, and get enough sleep. 🙂
A Thing: Silent retreat on the specifics, but the qualities inside of it include respect, compensation, and confidence.
More about what I know: Now is not then. Now is darn nice, in spite of the monsters hollering down bears about how Future Me won’t be happy about how I’m (mis)spending my time.
A clew: One of the horses running this Wednesday is named Pure Sovereignty. Its parents were Pure Prize and Princess Butterfly.
Ways this might work: Candles on cloudy days. Channeling racetrack energy.
Playing with: More Housecat Mind. Pouncing sans angst.
Wishing everyone a fabulous week!
In which the universe keeps saying “psych!” and people keep saying “no thanks” and I keep saying “ok, next!” or sometimes “fine, {sniff}, next?”
It’s chutes and ladders and I can’t find the ladders.
It’s “hello, is this thing on?”
What I Want:
The courage to want something.
For April not to be like this every year.
To find the place where I belong.
Monday was sunny, today is gray and rainy. Why do I find it easier to write VPAs in the sun? Interesting.
Thing 1: The course
I really want to take this course that the local yoga centre is offering. It is within my budget. It is happening on the exact afternoons that I can book off from work. Every time I’m in that building, my pain levels drop by about 30%. It covers stuff I’ve been reading about for months. This course is one big clew containing a gajillion other clews.
Ways this could work:
I’m meeting with D tomorrow at 11 to register. I’ve already made my availability changes at work. Get a water bottle.
I’ll play with:
Breathing and remembering that it’s no good having money in the bank if I’m in too much pain to do the things I want with it. Course, compass, path, clew!
Thing 2: Levelling up.
I lost two articles of clothing last week. The first was my sweatshirt in the Toronto airport. The second was my only pair of running shoes. This is really unusual for me – misplace things, sure. But lose something entirely? Completely out of character.
Hello this pattern. We’ve met before. I have worn the same fall/winter/spring jacket for seven continuous years because apparently I believe that I don’t deserve new clothes when barely fitting hand-me-downs and thrift stores exist.
I want to shift my story from that script from necessity –> abundance.
Ways this could work:
To continue levelling up to wearing clothes I actually want on my body (hello gorgeous, functional jacket and comfortable, goofy t-shirts!). To continue weeding out things I don’t love and giving them away.
I’ll play with:
Taking pictures. Giving it to the mountains. I do not have to carry everything.
Warm wishes for everyone’s visions!
I have two lovely friendly visions that are presently trying to snuggle up to me.
Vision 1: Beach Day
I so very much want beach day. I want waves and salt and sea lions. I want wandering aimlessly. I want quiet time and books and board games and people who matter.
WTMW: I could stage a revue of my options for lodging. I could throw darts at the calendar and schedule beach day whereever they land. I could ask for planning help from people who matter.
Vision 2: Salon
I’m calling this Salon, which is what it is, but shhhh, I’m secretly picturing a busy hair salon, which is a total proxy for the real salon.
WTMW: I could recruit my (ahem) hairdresser (Agent S) to help with arrangements. Hair arrangements, of course. Fancy braids and stuff. I could dig into some topics and find a question worth discussing. I could just revel in the excitement of how much I want this and introduce myself to the fear of it actually happening. Just to see what they have to tell me.
Additional Bonus Vision: Comfort
I want a place. A comfortable place. Just for an hour or so a day during the week, where I can go to relax and take a break. Watch a video or read a book. Because spending my lunch break sitting upright in uncomfortable chairs does not support replenishing my energy for the rest of the day.
WTMW: I could talk to the lovely people at the spa down the road about using their darling patio. I could arrange to go home for lunch more often and use my own comfy chair. I could come up with some creative idea for using space in the office to do this.
I am whispering my wish into a tiny seashell, and tucking into my pocket, with a sprinkling of sand — or is it stardust?
I am also sending love for everyone’s wishes, including my own. Love and fair winds. May it be so.
Here are some clear firm gwishes:
For MrB and his medical people to find Answers. This is a gwish for ME because anything that affects him affects me and because [silent retreat}.
For Those Things to Go Away, including their ridiculous prices and payments. Preferably without me having to do anything.
For the things that I have been discovering to NOT be the whole picture, for there to be more things that put my discoveries in a more positive light, and also for me to have whatever superpowers are needed in and for this.
I want the super power of Knowing What To Do and Doing It.
Other things I want:
a new printer
a motorcycle
an exercise class that I really like and actually want to attend
a clean car
energy and EASE
comfort
distraction at just the right time in just the right way
hugs and cuddles
good sleep
pain meds that work
comfortable shoes
to get the errands done
Project Duarte
Project NTN
Love to everyone’s asks.