Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I invariably discover useful information about my relationship with the thing I think I want, and with the experience of Wanting itself. Join in if you like….
What do I want?
The situation. And background.
So last week was the week of emptying and emptying. This is next piece. Release and receive. Receive and release.
The two things I find the hardest or most challenging. Why not.
Come on, they’re here. So let’s play.
The first thing I want is to stop retelling (or believing in) the story about how These Are Things I’m Not Good At. Or These Are The Things Currently Kicking My Ass.
I want to meet them (hello, releasing! hello, receiving!) like playmates, or old friends I haven’t seen in a while. To approach with love, curiosity, wonder, awe and delight.
What I want.
To deepen my relationship with release and receiving, receiving and releasing.
And to remember. This time around we’re in INTENTIONAL relationship. This something that is conscious, something I choose.
Now is not then.
I want to pay attention to the relationship between receiving and releasing. To test hypotheses. Do I find it is true — for me, right now — that the more I release, the easier it is to receive? The more I empty, the easier to replenish?
Do I find it is true — for me, right now — that as I get better at receiving, the easier it is to let go and empty out?
Is the inhalation easing the exhalation? Does exhale sweeten inhale?
And I want to practice this in ways that are pleasurable and intriguing, not terrifying and overwhelming.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Hahahaha! I just looked at the qualities I named last week when I was working on Emptying, and guess what. Release and Receive. Right there. I asked for these last week and didn’t realize how important they were going to be, and also forgot about them until now.
Release was the second quality (northeast on the compass) and receive was the fifth (southwest). That is so so so funny and perfect.
You know what? Let’s keep last week’s eight qualities, in the same order.
Trust. Release. Steadiness. Ground. Love. Receive. Miracles. Willingness.
And let’s go with the superpower or sankalpa of My Roots Are Well Nourished.
What might help?
Writing about this.
Ooh funny story, I was sitting in the park this weekend with my notebook, and wrote the following:
“Remember when you had the dream about how quitting grad school made everything better but then you woke up and didn’t know what grad school was supposed to be? And then you figured it out and now you’re quitting grad school. Well, the new thing that is coming is a long-term self-guided self-study in receiving. So start receiving the things that are waiting to be received.”
And then suddenly there was a bicycle next to me, and it was Agent W with a present for me from his sister.
Anyway. Writing. In the park. More of that.
What else might help?
- Practice receiving, practice releasing.
- Receive things like compliments. Receive things in the form of using or availing myself of gifts that have already been given to me.
- Release through moving things out.
- Release through water.
- Receive through pleasure, receive through silence.
- Release through going into the conducting vault and breathing trust.
- Release through trust.
- Talk to slightly future me about why this is important and useful. Find out what she knows.
- Use the Sail of Emptying as practice for both releasing and receiving, and for appreciation for what has come before.
Anything else?
I will receive the gifts of June. Including sun and strawberries.
And release the things that are done.
I’m playing with…
Trusting that anything I do this week is related to this, even if it doesn’t seem to be. Fractal flowers everywhere.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.
Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- More wishes in glass bottles.
- Tetris is fun.
- Skipping all the stones.
- There is time for what I need.
- Connections! Connections!
- Good news from Hope.
- Presence and play.
- Oh man, I’m so glad it turned out like this. THE BEST. <-- I want to be able to say this about all kinds of things.
- Long, slow, sweet yoga. With fellow agents.
- Plenty of what I need, in a way that I can appreciate.
- Even more perfect, simple solutions. Readily available.
- Really great surprises.
Repeat-wishes
- Resting into miracles.
- Information for rendezvous with Agent Wilkinson.
- Choosing quiet.
- Left-handed labyrinth.
- Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
- Sound effects for my internal video game.
- Being at the 9&9, even when it isn’t nine or nine.
- Ahahaha I am an accidental genius! SOLVED.
- Well-rested: the first and best well.
- What do I need? What do I want?
- Sweet blissful steadiness.
- Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
- Things that need to come in now are received with love.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Same as last time. These are working for me. And look, there’s release again.
Curiosity. Shelter. Wonder. Plenty. Appreciation. Release. Sustenance. Play.
And the superpower of this is the most fun game ever.
I ask for this one every week, but not bored of it yet: Seeing the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
It just can.
I’m playing with…
Following the clues. Letting each piece have value and meaning.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Okay, last week..
Last week I asked for help with emptying, and yes. SO MUCH EMPTYING. It was great.
Also asked for a new lease and emptying through talking to Hope. Both of those: thumbs up.
Some other things are still percolating, I might want to revisit them later.
And the main cool thing is that I asked for the superpower of things sliding into place, and that was the best. I was able to experience that happening in bits and pieces this week, and wow.
Thank you, last-week-me. You had good instincts.
Also! The Sail of Emptying is still happening. Five products are disappearing from the shop but you can get them through the 11th. So this week.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Follow
Last week I went back to where the barns were before they burned. And I stayed too long. And now I have to leave them again and it hurts. But I know how to let it hurt. And I know that me now is not me then.
I thought things would be different by June. I wanted things to be different by June. I was working towards things being different by June. And here I am in June. It looks like May. But May was good.
What Do I Want?
Solid ground. A resting place. To stop falling through the air for a while. A hand to hold. A body to lean against.
I want so many things, but:
I have conflicted wantings:
I want a safe place to fall apart, and then to rest.
I want to rest so I won’t fall apart.
I want to be strong so I don’t even think about falling apart.
I want to have fun and nothing sounds like fun.
I want to defrazzle and I don’t even know what that means anymore.
I want so many things, but:
monster voices say I can’t have them.
I want a safe room that contains/is contained by deep woods and is protected by [strong protective] BEARS.
I want to remember to put taking care of myself first on my agenda, even ahead of taking care of MrB, because when I don’t, everything is so much harder.
Superpowers I want this week: Congruence. Finding Answers.
….. Last Week’s Achievement/s of the Week:
* I have now been writing my Pages every day for five weeks. Pshaw to the Goblins that said I couldn’t do anything consistently!
* I also had a Conversation with Body, and I Interviewed a Goblin!
* I discovered that I have my very own real-life cheerleading team! I didn’t even need to get out the Giant Foam Novelty Hand. The stars aligned and they just appeared, at exactly the right time. I let myself be open to their support and become elated at their belief in me. I let the Goblins be banished that night!
…..Background To This Week:
* Agh, I didn’t make The Call last week. It was my Most Important Red Circle, so I’m finding it really difficult to be OK. It turned out that I had to make another Call, with only 12 hours notice, and after making the call to Dr. T’s office as well, I was all called out. It seems I’m only capable of maximum 2 calls a week at the moment. Gahhhh.
…..What I Want For This Week:
* To do Step 1 of the FMSHAP by making The Call. Really, this time. And to do Step 1a as well.
* To listen to Body and and start giving her what she wants, wholeheartedly and consistently. To honour Lady Week.
* To build on my recent written explorations and (*cough*-obsessive-*cough*) reading of Le Archives, and go Even Deeper. (Oooh, scary. But, kind-of …tingly… as well.)
…..Ways I Could Make It Happen:
* Call on the Head Cheerleader to remind me of just how nice the Nice Helping-Man is. [Addendum: I don’t actually like the image of cheerleaders. Think of something else.] Use my Unseen Ninja skills to make the call. [Addendum: also think of a less-scary term for making the phone call. Ninja-Chop the phone??]
* Hm, Lady Week is probably not the best time to start anything New-Fangled with Body. Just hang out with Princess Penelope and my wheat bag, and listen. And Breathe. There, I’m more relaxed already.
* Acknowledge how cool it is that my daily Pages are …. gosh-well-darn … a *Practice* now. Talk to the Goblin who’s against starting a Book of Me … against starting anything else new. Listen to Alternate-Universe-Me-who-already-*has*-a-Book-of-Me; she reads this from it: “I tend to get overexcited and bite off more than I can chew. So it’s best if I pick *one* new thing to start at a time. Pick the thing that makes me most excited, not the thing I think I *should* do. Perhaps wait a few days before starting in case you change your mind.”
I’m imagining a cave, I’m imagining Spelunking. Sometimes dank, smelly, dark Goblin-hideouts, and sometimes caves full of breathtakingly beautiful geodes. I’m excited about going already!
…..Superpower I’ll Use:
The Superpower of being like a rock. A pet rock that someone has lovingly painted a happy, smiley face on. He just sits there. Nothing more complicated than that. He sits there on top of your pile of paper, and smiles and effortlessly does his job of being rock-steady.
Happy VPAs to everyone!
Addendum: “Alternate-Universe-Me-who-already-has-a-Book-of-Me” acronyms down into AUMWAHABOM. Cool!! Aumwahabom is my new imaginary friend. I might call her Aumy for short.
Havi, thank you for that compass. it’s exactly the one I need.
Release and receive. I need that, or am doing that, or that is happening to me, or something.
Releasing the unimaginable, intense, beautiful and heart-breaking love affair.
Because I was never going to notice anyone or anything else while it was here, and it was never mine to hold. Ending in tears is not generally inevitable, but it was for this.
Release to receive the tenderness I need (and don’t feel I deserve right now).
Releasing large skeins of time, which can be woven into new choices and futures.
Releasing leaves my arms open to receive … something else?
In addition (and possibly because of the fractal flowers thing), releasing the house I grew up in, as my parents prepare to sell it. Hadn’t thought about it as I haven’t lived there in over a decade, so what’s to release? At the very least, letting it go makes space for me to make my own definition of home.
Thank you for exactly the words, and noticing the difference between losing and releasing. And releasing to receive. Wishing you warmth for the things you are playing with. Also flowers.
What I want:
Ease and progress on a writing project I need to finish this week.
Energy for putting many things in order: life details, the house, upcoming travel.
Equilibrium to weather the unexpected emotional maelstrom of late.
What will help:
Saying “this is right” (thanks, Havi!).
Holding space for each thing I choose, even if it looks like far less is being done than I thought.
Remembering that I get to choose.
Lots of tea.
Going outside.
The Losing It potion.
Making yoga possible.
Asking: is it useful? is it beautiful?
Superpower:
Incoming Me appreciates the useful and beautiful, and gently releases those things that are neither.
Okay. This is a multi-week Vision I’m working on/playing with.
Situation/background: There is this weekend-long house party that we host every year. It sometimes makes me crazy. And it’s coming up in about two weeks.
What I want: To wear my crown throughout the entire process.
Qualities inside the want: Sovereignty. Serenity. Ease.
What could help? Conscious entry and exit. Allowing time and space for breathers and transitions. Delving into the three techniques from the Y.E.A.R., and finding all the ways they can help.
I’m playing with… My crown, and my vision of me in my crown.
A secret agent really needs good instincts! That’s the superpower I’d like this week.
I’ve seen it already today:
– I took a nap instead of pushing harder
– I postponed an appointment that would have sandwiched me into … into some kind of squishy sandwich filling, I guess
– I avoided cut-rate hotel booking site and paid higher rate directly and was really glad I did after I Googled the site which turned out to be a scammer
So! More of that, please.
Also more naps.