Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
My weekly practice: writing these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to get clear on what I want, even when saying it is uncomfortable.
I invariably discover useful things about my relationship with both a) what I want, and b) wanting. Join in if you like….
What do I want?
The situation. And background.
Ahhhh. I have so many wants right now. And they seem to be kind of all over the place, but I am going to take the “throw everything into the pot” approach, and assume that all of the various desires are related ingredients in the same stew.
What do I want? I want to get back to Monday Beach Day. Or even Fake Beach Day. Both of these rituals have been dropped due to The Situation At Hand, and the result is that I am back to dreading Mondays, and this is not good for me or for the world.
Actually, it’s more than Mondays that I want. Spending time with two different Agents who are teachers, and realizing: I’M A TEACHER, but I don’t get summers off. Summer! Off! What a crazy-great concept. I can feel in every cell in my body how good that would be for me. I have all the monsters about this (specifically about how it’s a pipe dream and never going to happen), but what if…?!
What else? I want my computer to start. It is not starting, and this is terrifying.
I need big help with systems right now. Agent Mueller and I are working around the clock on Operation Save The Ship, and we need to reinvent systems, and this is so hard. Hey, a thing that I’m bad at and slow at that needs to happen quickly and well! There is no money for hiring someone, and I don’t know how this is going to be solved, but the deadline is approaching fast. Miracle, please.
What else?
What else? This Friday marks FIVE WHOLE YEARS of the Friday Chicken (which has now twice been a Saturday Chicken, but other than that, we’ve been steady with the Fridays). Haven’t missed a week. That seems like a pretty extraordinary thing. How are we going to celebrate? Ideas welcome.
Also I miss having a job where workout clothes were a business expense. Just noting that.
It’s the last days of the Monkey, and I want to be there as much as possible. I want to live at the 9&9, even if it’s a metaphor, I can still live there. I want to see [Situation] as the best damn thing that has ever happened to me and to discover what changes when I do.
I want to believe in myself the way that my playmate in the treehouse believes in me. I want Operation Turn Keys to be a smashing success, and Operation Siegfried the Magic Otter to change everything in my life for the better.
I want to breathe Sustenance and Possibility, and be a bell. A shining, steady, well-compensated bell. Into the pot with love….
Themes and qualities inside of the wants?
Safety. Ease. Sustenance. Steadiness. Plenty. Possibility. Play. Reconfigure.
And the superpower or sankalpa of This Moment Is New.
What might help?
Pause and breathe, pause and breathe.
Use the OODs.
What else might help?
Work/play in partnership.
Agent MD, Monsieur LeBlanc of the other Agency, anyone who can help.
And of course, Floop!
I’m playing with…
Presence. Curiosity. This Is Right, I Just Don’t Know How Yet, And That’s Okay.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.
Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- I am ready for this rendezvous.
- Operation Siegfried the Magic Otter is stable and fun.
- Enough sleep for Havi Bell.
- Hope is back, and she knows what is good.
- There is an easier way of doing this, and I just found it.
- Everyone helps.
Repeat-wishes
- I rest into miracles, and then THERE THEY ARE.
- I actively choose quiet.
- Left-handed labyrinth.
- Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
- Sound effects for my internal video game.
- Going to the 9&9, even when it isn’t nine or nine.
- Ahahaha I am an accidental genius! SOLVED.
- Well-rested: the first and best well.
- What do I need? What do I want?
- Sweet blissful steadiness.
- Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
- Things that need to come in now are received with love.
- Just child’s pose.
- I’m glad it’s happening like this, actually.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Fun. Delight. Trust. Readiness. Pleasure. Appreciation. Gratitude. Quiet.
And the superpower of I Am Changing It Up, Baby.
I ask for this one every week, but not bored of it yet: I see the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
It just could.
I’m playing with…
Dancing it out.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Okay, last week, aka the hallway and the garden.
Oh man, last week I was feeling so helpless when writing these asks. And now I cannot believe how right-on-target last-week-me was. She asked for all the right things, in just the right way!
I want to hug her and thank her and tell her that her instincts were correct.
I wanted the hallway to get easier, and it did. I asked for alignment, and things are lining up. I wanted Operation Big Tent to go smoothly, and while it was The Scariest Thing, it went so much better than anticipated. Then I was worried about my 12 Things, and six of them disappeared so I didn’t have to do them!
Additionally I was able to Avoid the 6, as planned. Oh, and both the Sail of Yard and Puttering Day were significantly less horrible than expected. Basically, everything I asked for was useful, even though at the time it seemed like a waste of energy to even write about it. So, yet again, hooray for Very Personal Ads.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
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Hooray!
I discovred many ways in which White Flower Project and Operation Natasha overlap and are fractal flowers. This week the connection between the Flowers became more evident. So this feels more aligned and like I’m gaining deeper insight.
Operation Eating Well: still landing. but just making that commitment has really helped.
VPA 1: Operation Twirl That Tassel
WIW: Ever since i was little, I have aspired to be X. This is a very vulnerable and sweet baby wish. This weekend I made a HUGE stride in this direction. While the baby wish is incubating, I want to set it up to actually happen. I feel there is a very limited window of opportunity to achive this wish, and I need to Just Do It. In order to make it so, I want to comit to a daily practice of helping it land
WTCW: Again, another fractal flower! What Op TTT needs is daily movement, and many of those stesp are already in White FLower or Natasha best practices. So: Well REsted and Well Fed. Daily movement. LOTS of stretching and yoga, and ESPECIALLY doing the Michelle warm-ups and practicing the routine she taught me regularly.
ICT: EXiting the day, earlier bedtimes, DAILY movement, more dance and stretching.
There’s other stuff that makes me pleased and that’s moving in the right direction. But this is good for right now.
And now I cannot believe how right-on-target last-week-me was. She asked for all the right things, in just the right way!
Yay for this! It feels encouraging to me — more clues about setting things up for slightly-future me.
<3
Oh, how I love all of this. In particular, I just want to glory in your writing and language and the place it takes me to. Going back to read again now. Xox
<3 If I can be helpful in any way when I am there in August, then I am happy to do so. (I'm sure it will be fractal flowers for whatever I'm working on.) <3
Let's see, what am I wishing for this week?
-Agent Ditey needs to find out about the new proxy! She's so excited about this secret project. I could feel all the sparks start to fly when we had the realization earlier about these two things I'm working on being proxies for each other (thanks to the Y.E.A.Rbook, no less!) If I proxy the proxies… I come up with sovereignty and magic. I am finding out about sovereignty and magic this week and how they relate.
-I want processing to be ease-filled and fit again. Because I'm bringing more intentionality to my time, which should allow more time for intentionality. See?
-Emptying! Emptying! Ease-filled emptying.
-Clarity on the weekend. Where am I supposed to be, when? All the things keep shifting. I'll pay attention to what I need and look for clews.
-Cuddles. Seriously. I got really used to daily cuddle-action, and now a week without feels long and arduous. I mean, tolerable, just because it's something I'm used to ignoring, but there are actually cravings. And I feel a bit wilty. How does one bring more cuddles to one's life? By remembering that they're available to me, at least in part. And noticing all the ways I already receive physical affection. Maybe also figuring out a way to make a date with cuddle-buddy E next weekend to look forward to. Mrph.
-More water! Using my friend's pool! Baths! Secret missions to swimming holes in CT. Trying not to daydream about Common Ground too much since I won't be in Portal Land for almost a month. 🙂 we so need one of those here…
Whee, captcha fun!
{{Havi!}}
This week, I want:
To begin the experiment of dissolving procrastination.
Set things up so my artist self can come out to play. Doing the creative, without pressure or expectations, just because it feels right.
Island Time: early strolling, fruity girly drinks, doodling and dawdling.
Puttering Day: can this be a regular thing?
Finding the where the edge of my capacity is, so I don’t exceed it. Finding ways to expand my capacity without exceeding it.
Investigate: stimulation and inspiration vs rest. How can they work together for recovery?
More on Operation Eject and Project Shuffle.
Try on the persona of “Victoria Carrington”.
Qualities inside the asks: love, inspiration, vitality, creativity, time, richness, comfort, joy.
Agent G has plans for Operation Dismal. Yay! May it happen this week!
Agent M has plans for Project Terror and Access 1. Yay! I especially hope to WHAM Boom those this week. It’s about time!
Agent Dick is supposed to Come Clean this week. Not a reference to cleaning the house. That would be Agent W aka the Butler.
All projects that need major input from others.
Qualities inside these wants: trust, progress, courage, relief, contentment.
Havi, I know it’s not that important, or if someone else has already told you, but at the beginning of every VPA something like this happens:
“And to get clarity on what that really is, evehttp://fluentself.com//wp-admin/admin.php?page=wordpress-related-posts&ref=adminbarn when asking feels conflicted.”
Anyway. I’m wishing you all the best.
hug
Sending flowery, warm vibes to Stompopolis and to you, Havi!
This week, I have only one vision: The Project.
Background: This is something I have been moving towards for years, and the moment has finally arrived. I tried to make other projects happen, and kept getting stuck or blocked in a bajillion different ways. Now I realize those blocks were all part of the same stuckness. This Project is the only way through the stuckness. I’m terrified, but I know it’s the next right thing.
What I Want: To move into The Project with gentleness, with ease, with courage and with compassion for myself. I know it won’t be easy, and I realize that I can’t lunge full-throttle into this without other parts of my life shifting in response, and I’m ok with all of that.
Themes: Safety. Clarity. Space. Permission. Strength. Compassion.
What might help: Giving me-from-then all the things she wanted at the time: Cuddles. Warm, healthy food. Safety. Sovereignty.
Giving me-from-now the things that will help support The Project: Sleep, rest, exercise, chocolate, fruits and more cuddling.
I’m playing with: Listening.
….. Last Week’s Achievement of the Week:
* I freakin’ bought a house! I mean, not really, it’s not confirmed yet, but wow!! I may well be a Top-Level Home-Ownership Boss! (…when everything’s confirmed mumble mumble …)
…..What I Want For This Week:
* To not freak out about buying a house and just get on with the (myriad) details. Find a way to ‘chunk it down’ that works for me and doesn’t sound lame. Realise that I still have plenty of time.
* Start building up my health and strength for the move, and what will come afterwards.
* To make the gift for K with love and generosity and fun, not doubt and freaking-out-ness.
…..Ways I Could Make It Happen:
* Make turning a huge task into a bunch of little tasks into a game. There could be colourful spreadsheets and a pretty calendar. Liaise with the other half of the Mutual Admiration Society as much as possible, even if just to remind myself that I’m not alone.
* Remember that it’s all for the Burning Purpose, the Life’s Goal, the FMSHAP. Whatever the Goblins say is _not_ as important as this. All the dreams and gwishes swirl together into a spiral dance; they’re all related to each other / Fractal Flower. Can I see that?
* If I have an idea, roll with it. If I suddenly feel like taking up bellydancing again, then why not?
* Just make the freakin’ gift. Stop being a lame-o and do it. Of course K is going to like a toy monster with genitals on it. No matter what colour it is. Daftie.
….. Helpers I’ll Call On:
* The Husbandy One AKA The Other Half of the Mutual Admiration Society. His superpower of Showing Me Where To Start (SMWTS. Good one! (It’s better said out loud)).
* ApartmentCat is the perfect one to call on when unreserved enthusiasm about creativity is required. “Give him four nipples … heck no, give him seventeen nipples!”
…..Superpower I’ll Use:
* The Superpower of realising that the big things are really just a bunch of small things. And they’re all cross-off-able.
* The permanent superpower of the Pet Rock. Calm, solid, dependable, in close association with complicated documents and cool with it.
Lovliness to everyone! And special love to Havi. xx
@Georgina – thank you! Fixed. I was not aware of that — apparently *reading* what I write could be helpful! 🙂
@everyone – love you guys
Gwishing Gwell – hello!
I gwish for steadiness and wise choices and not-sadness (peacefulness? yes that will do) as I talk over how to direct the gold in the treasure house over the next few months. What do I want? I want me AND the dragon to be well-fed. I want little piles of gold to keep piling up, even if slowly. I want what is needed and what is REALLY needed to be clearly indicated.
Calling on: monster day-care, Integrated Frank, the bells of steadiness and peace and adaptability and clarity to quiet the chatter.
*plink! plink! plink!*
I gwish for energy and patience, or really for All The Things that feed into those two states to be clearly indicated. And for trust in my intuition and embodied wisdom, even as it relates to myself *gasp*. Let me find my way to being Rested As A Base State. Vive la revolution.
*plink!*
I gwish for easeful conversations about childcare options and surprising levels of delight and support. Even from unexpected places? Yes, even from unexpected places.
*plink!*
Also, I gwish that the fact I have to drag a bikini to a suitcase to post this comment is prophetic. 🙂
*plink*
Good wishes for everyone’s wishes and gwishes and visions.
<3 <3 <3
Love. So much love.
Into the pot…
…Three more days before a certain contract ends. I am thankful for the ease there has already been, and I am welcoming more of it, with all my heart.
…Still trying to figure out how to get the rest of the family moved to South Carolina. If ever there was a time to be a fox in the video game, that time is now.
…Plenty of the green stuff!
…Balm for aching hearts, and stardust for sagging spirits.
I’m playing with…True north, and sweet southern breezes.
What do I want?
* enough sleep
* enough income
* present-preparation mojo
What else?
* to develop a better relationship with Rabbit and Triangle
* to be okay with the pace
Themes/qualities?
Presence. Engagement. Generosity. Trusting the stretch. Patience.
What might help?
* Keeping meals and plans simple
* Permission to NOT take notes or keep things on file
* Permission to shelve h and t for several years
What else might help?
* more water, less dairy
Warm wishes to all.
Warmest, glowiest wishes to you, Havi!
Into the pot:
–Welcoming the newest version of [Silent Retreat] Me. In both senses, actually
–Making peace with the long list
–So many skin issues
–I want the post-yoga, post-run feeling…so why the yoga/run avoidance?
–Worry about absconding over the weekend
–Joy about absconding over the weekend!
Invoking the qualities:
Courage. Delight. Rest. Release.
Freedom. Presence. Peace. Vitality.
Well, it has been probably over a year since I have been even a lurker here. This comment may not even fit this particular post, but I have to admit I am a bit lost in the new vocabulary and thus the intention….
I think about you all often and wonder how you are, and daydream about Stompopolis and feel deeply thankful I got gifted a day there when I REALLY needed it. Things I learned from Havi and the support I found here, propped me up to handle some of the biggest years of my life so far. They helped me get married and be a good wife and to feel good about all that. I’ve been kinder to myself and more patient, so thank you.
Today I just wanted to say thanks for the connection to someone that is a Twitter pal that I met through here. She is seriously hilarious and bravely her own quirky, snarky, sincerely kind self online and I love that we have kept a casual acquaintance going. So, HUZZAH to @PDXLilly!
Also, I think I found a book that feels as true to me as “stuckness” felt when I first read the definition when Havi described ‘her people’. Tears streamed down my face as I took it in, just like when I felt like I found a word, a definition, a shape, of the thing that pained me for so long…. So, I feel like I should share it here just in case:
Refuse To Choose! by Barbara Sher
“Sher identifies someone she calls The Scanner, someone who frequently has a multiplicity of interests, but finds it hard to create a successful life he or she loves because their passions and abilities are taking them in so many different directions.”
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000SEKMS8/ref=oh_d__o00_details_o00__i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
It has rocked me to the core just like this community did and you guys are the first ones I wanted to tell about it.
much love to you all!