very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (also known as a Vision of Possibility & Anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 350th consecutive week of wishing, come play!

wanted: surprise good news!

surprise good news demands exclamation points
it is bubbly and exciting
and also wonderfully calming at the same time
there is a unique category of things that are
equal parts invigorating and relaxing
they invite you to take a breath

heart expands
shoulders drop
jaw softens
eyes crinkle
surprise good news reminds you about hopefulness
how tingly it is
and how things are not as they seem
and the oh-no-it’s-all-bad-news eyore script in my mind
is not actually relevant
maybe time to let it go

what do I want to exclaim over

what do I want to excite me
what kinds of surprise good do I want to welcome?

exclamation points, here we come

I want surprise good news about fun people to play with!
I want surprise good news about how [secret ops] are easier than I think!
I want surprise good news about monies, funds, support, resources!
I want surprise good news about my plans, or maybe I want new plans,
or new doors, but something that’s like
yeah I want to go in that direction and I now see how it is possible!
I want surprise good news about dance!
I want surprise good news in general!

I want to wake up to surprise good news!
I want to wake up to surprise good ideas!
I want to surprise good ways to think differently about my various situations
to just fall into my lap

SURPRISE GOOD NEWS, welcome!

overflowing

I want so much surprise good news that the
oh-no-it’s-all-bad-news gloom-and-doom eyore-operated monster-powered machinery in me
has to spontaneously combust or at least change sides
I want to be someone who expects surprise good news
(the surprise is in the form or the delivery)
(not the fact that there is unexpected good news)
I want to be someone who totally expect that part

that’s what I want

cup-runneth-over levels of surprise good news
so much in fact
— and so much ability on my part to see it,
recognize it, rejoice in it, receive it —
that I bubble over with extra surprise good news for
everyone else in my world
my surprise good news turns into everyone’s surprise good news
because that is the superpower of the rising tide that lifts all boats

what do I already know about surprise good news

despite what you’d think from the
reminiscences of woe I’ve been re-enacting in my mind
over these past few challenging weeks
if I pause and remember truth
okay actually I’ve had many experiences in my life
of just outrageous levels of surprise good news
(and not only of the flavor that turns out to be good in hindsight)

oh for example

when I was teaching myself german
on my own in tel aviv, my resources being:
[fierce dedication, a dictionary, tape recorder and a library card]
I reached a point after months of hard work
at which I had an excellent grasp of
grammar and an impressive vocabulary
I could read a novel for fun
but I didn’t have the fluency I desired
I didn’t know how to have an actual conversation
and I didn’t know how to solve this dilemma
money was extremely tight
so I couldn’t take classes
my wish seemed impossible

not impossible

one day marius called me up at work
a south african who worked at the hostel
near my bar
and he said “hey there’s a good looking german kid
here looking for a hebrew tutor, but he doesn’t have a lot of money…”
me: oh sure, I’ll teach him hebrew if he’ll talk to me in german
ta da surprise good news

also, somewhat later in the timeline, ta da, surprise making out

what else?

receptivity
yes, receptivity is a good quality to…
develop? invite in? befriend? devote yourself to?
it gives you new eyes
sometimes asking for and welcoming
surprise good news
is enough to shift where you hold/place your attention
so that you can see all the surprise good news that
already is

like how last night I wished for surprise good news
and received two pieces of it within the hour
but maybe if I hadn’t wished the wish
it might easily have escaped my notice just how surprising (and good)
this news was

one piece involved learning I had been wrong
wonderfully wrong
about an assumption
and the other meant a situation I’d assumed would never change
is actually scheduled to change quite soon
ta da, surprise good news!

(thank you)

I can easily imagine that I wouldn’t have
fully appreciated the surprise-good-news nature
of these pieces of news
had I not just primed myself to be
not only receptive but
on the lookout for signs that surprise good news
is headed my way

while of course maintaining awareness that a very
common form of surprise good news
(whoops, typed ‘surprise god news’, yes, okay, that too)
is the kind that seems at first to be just the opposite
so this is also a good reminder to me
to say thank you for everything
and fill up on wonder and appreciation in my
thank you heart

clarification

here’s what I do NOT mean:
I do not mean the thing that is so common
in this sticky online world of “self-improvement” and self-helpery
where so often you see people recommend
applying gratitude as a technique
in a way that isn’t necessary kind towards the you-who-is hurting, and
generally involves things like
forcing yourself to identify the silver linings before you’re ready,
or in some other way
denying the pain of what is actually painful in this moment

as you know from spending weekends with me

in my weekly friday chicken ritual which is now four hundred weeks old
I believe so hard in acknowledging the hard things
in the power of giving legitimacy to the fact that
hard things are hard
and not fun
they just are

and so few people get this
finding the good while mourning the hard and giving it permission to exist
is such a vital life skill
not ignoring the hard and pretending everything is fine
not cursing out the hard and refusing to see any treasure

it is the process of allowing the hard to be hard
and allowing yourself to not like it
while knowing that you don’t have to like it
that is what reveals the useful in the hard
you are totally allowed to keep on not liking it,
and the useful is still there, like it or not

doors

so when I say that what I want is to
turn inward and be a channel for deep thankfulness
I do not in any way mean pretending that things are fine
when things are not fine

acknowledgment, permission, legitimacy, and
having a good cry when you need it
these are the doors to thankfulness
not forcing, not powering through

surprise good news in many forms

I am on the lookout for tiny surprise good news!
with exclamation points!
and adding exclamation points
to make things more exciting

for example
right now all of my belongings
are packed away in a small storage room in my basement
the other day a bag fell from a shelf
and a bottle of nail polish broke INSIDE THE BAG
and amazingly it was cold enough in the basement
that the nail polish froze in a cool statue shape
and somehow did not get on any of my other stuff in the bag
aside from a pair of nail scissors which still work perfectly
but have sparkly purple handles

so sure, I could decide that this is all surprise bad news
my bag falling, my nail polish breaking
but I think it’s actually surprise good news:
see? nothing is wrong
nothing is damaged
things can break and all is still well
what a beautiful miracle
like with the tree

exclamation points help
a lot
!!!!

secret yes

last week julie asked me,
“is there a secret yes twinkling at you from somewhere?”
and there wasn’t but now there is
just need to generate the funds
which on the surface is maybe not the most fun thing
but —
thanks to some [what-I-now-realize-is surprise good news!]
received yesterday —
I don’t need to raise nearly as much as previously estimated
and this too is part of releasing wishes

releasing

letting the wishes go
and letting the wish-seeds be free
so that when secret yeses land
and surprise good news finds its way to me
I can say THANK YOU to past me for wanting all this good for me
and for doing the work of sitting with the hard
and asking the questions
asking for yes
waiting for yes
which in fact was last week’s wish
what a good wish

what else can I do to welcome surprise good news?

sleep on it
dance on it
dance with it
choose joy
flowers help
naps help
flirting helps
having secret missions to look forward to helps
any secret twinkling yes helps, however small
taking exquisite care of myself to the best of my ability
and maybe in a given moment
all I can manage is RGW (Replenishing Glass of Water!)
given with love
and adding a few exclamation points
that counts too

what does Slightly Wiser Me want me to know about this mission?

she says:

this is a wonderful wish
it’s about growing your self-treasuring skills
and it’s about hope
you are learning to interrupt all your programming/experience
of hopelessness
through presence and play
and if that’s not the most beautiful thing in the world
I don’t know what is
surprise good news is yours
because you are training yourself to see-hear-perceive it

may it be so!

what do I know about my wish this week

last week I seeded the the superpowers of I Hear My Yes
and also the powers of I Will Spirit You Away To A Villa
(something my wonderful friend B said)
and these seem equally important for the mission of
being/becoming/remembering-how-to-be someone
who welcomes surprise good news

now

(1) texting/dreaming with the far away boy
about nevada and arizona
wilderness
pretty places
we might visit someday

(2) living in an empty house as I am right now
in between
waiting
this is not my yes
but I am so thankful for the sanctuary
for the transition time

(3) things I love
grapefruit
wood
grains of salt
tulips
exclamation points

superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing

months-March-VPA-2016

february on the 2016 fluent self calendar was the door of SANCTUARY, and march is the door of LUSCIOUSNESS, which comes with the glowingly important superpower of knowing that pleasure is healing

thank you, past me
for naming this month
and reminding me of this superpower
which is exactly what I need most right now

ANNOUNCEMENTS!!!

this is the last chance to acquire a pack of stone skipping cards
because I’m moving out and won’t have anywhere to store them
or the shipping materials
so get them this week,
and while you’re at it, sign up for the not-exactly-a-course
where we embark on establishing a loving playful practice of self-inquiry,
to access previously-hidden gems of internal wisdom
and whatever else we might need
dates coming soon!

if you want bulk packs of cards, we can do that too!
one pack is $22
or buy three and get one free
or buy five and get five free
because this is the time to let these go

now is also a very good time to
express appreciation for this magical space,
you can do that by acquiring anything in the soon-to-be-gone shop
or by giving to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund
(here is an explanation of what that is)
and that is a way to give what you like and glow a thank you
knowing that this stream of appreciation
is what makes this place hum

last week’s wishes

two weeks ago I wished a wish called waiting for yes

it was a hard wish and a hard week
and yet my yes found me anyway
waiting was scary
and it was also the right call
wait for it…
(yes)

thank you, me who wished

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

or if you have APPRECIATION for this space, I would love that

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

The Fluent Self